Comparison is good mental exercise. It is due to the reader and to myself, as well as to Anzimee and Lolix, to indulge a present mood prompting me to make an analytical comparison of these two women.
Comparing people can be a valuable mental exercise. For the benefit of both the reader and myself, as well as for Anzimee and Lolix, I feel compelled to provide an analytical comparison of these two women.
What was it that fixed so unalterably my desire to wed Anzimee and not Lolix? Both were gentlewomen, the first by nature, the second by--yes, by nature also. I was, however, about to ascribe the sweet charity of Lolix to the perception on her part of the misery she would feel, placed in like situation with those who suffered in very fact. But the ability to so perceive could arise only from its existence in her nature. No, it was her nature finally developed. Both women were refined, intelligent, and both were beautiful, though of types m widely variant as a blush rose and a white lily. Anzimee was a born daughter of Atl; Lolix was one by adoption. A small difference, surely, since both were in full accord and equally sensitive to, the good, the beautiful and the true, in the polished refinement of erudite Poseid. Truly, the relations between Lolix and myself were wrong, but she was not on that account less dear to me, nor was my regard for her less tender and loving. Her companionship had become a part of my life. If I had a sorrow or was despondent, she interposed her sympathy and cheered me. My anxieties were also hers; my joys her joys. In everything but name she was my wife. Then why did not I acknowledge the fact before mankind? Because karma ordered otherwise. I loved Anzimee also. Through this love, karma operated to annul its own tendencies to espouse Lolix. And the mode of this operation was exhibited in my recognition of Lolix as possessed of every requisite to make me happy except in her one lack, that of perception of the relation of the finite to the infinite. Absurd? No. That my soul craved such an ability on her part, and found it not, but did find it in Anzimee, was evidence of the growth of the frail seedling of interest in. the occult life of the Sons of the Solitude, which had been somewhat matured by the words of Rai Ernon of Suern, years before. Sayest thou that if a little such interest worked such error in life that deep interest would make for the losing of the soul, wherefore thou wilt have none of it? Not so. It was the not being true to the ideal at that time gained, true with all my soul, that did the mischief, just as in the myth of Lot's wife, she had never been turned to salt had she obeyed, not curiosity, but the higher injunction.
What made me so determined to marry Anzimee instead of Lolix? Both were gentlewomen by nature, refined, intelligent, and beautiful, though in very different ways. Anzimee was a native of Atl, while Lolix was adopted. This small difference hardly mattered, as both were equally attuned to the good, beautiful, and true in Poseid's cultured society. My relationship with Lolix was improper, but that didn't diminish my affection for her. She was an integral part of my life, offering comfort in times of sorrow and sharing in my joys and anxieties. In all but name, she was my wife. So why didn't I officially acknowledge her as such? Because fate had other plans. I loved Anzimee too. This love counteracted my inclination to marry Lolix. The key factor was that while Lolix possessed every quality to make me happy, she lacked one crucial element: an understanding of how the finite relates to the infinite. This may seem trivial, but my soul's yearning for this quality, which I found in Anzimee, revealed the growth of my interest in the occult life of the Sons of the Solitude, sparked years ago by Rai Ernon of Suern's words. You might argue that if a little interest in such matters caused such problems, then deep interest would surely lead to losing one's soul, so it's best avoided entirely. But that's not the case. The real issue was my failure to fully commit to the ideal I had glimpsed. Like in the myth of Lot's wife, the danger lay not in curiosity, but in disobeying a higher calling.
Lolix had no dimmest perception of this psychic link between the things of earth and the things of infinity. I had; I knew Anzimee had; wherefore I ordered my life so as to include her and exclude Lolix, whereby I did both them, myself and my conception of God (which is but a redundant expression, for no one finite can injure Infinity) a fearful injustice. But karma lay in wait for the evil of my life, demanded payment--and got it, every jot; no words can paint the suffering of the expiation. I scarcely propose to try and shall rest content if a realization of some part of it shall deter others from sin through the certitude that there is no vicarious expiation for evil done, and no escape from its penalty.
Lolix was completely unaware of the spiritual connection between earthly matters and the infinite. I understood it, as did Anzimee. Because of this, I structured my life to include Anzimee and exclude Lolix. In doing so, I committed a terrible injustice against them, myself, and my understanding of God (though this is redundant, as no finite being can harm the Infinite). However, karma awaited the wrongs in my life, demanded payment—and received it in full. Words cannot describe the suffering of my atonement. I won't attempt to do so here, but I hope that by realizing even a fraction of it, others may be deterred from sin. They should understand that there is no vicarious atonement for evil deeds, and no escape from their consequences.
The Law of the ONE reads: "Except a man overcometh, he shall not inherit of My life; I will not be his God, neither shall he be My son." There can be but one way to such overcoming, the ever-recurrent plungings into material incarnation, until the errors of the personal will are at-oned to the Divine Will. There can be no vicarious undoing, [*1] and soon will I show why. Another can not do thy breathing for thee. Reincarnation, the ever-recurrent prisoning of the soul in fleshly bodies, is but expiatory, is but penalty. If in His Name ye are become free, if in that Way ye have overcome, and in place of being slaves to are masters over desire, ye have undone sin. Then is there no more incarnation for you in the prison of this death, miscalled life. There is no other Way; the Great Master pointed none.
The Law of the ONE states: "Only those who overcome shall inherit My life; I will not be their God, nor will they be My children." There is only one path to such overcoming: repeated incarnations in physical form until personal will aligns with Divine Will. No one else can undo your errors for you, as I will soon explain. Just as another cannot breathe for you, your journey is your own. Reincarnation, the cyclical imprisonment of the soul in flesh, serves as both penance and punishment. If you have found freedom in His Name, if you have overcome through that Way, and have mastered desire rather than being enslaved by it, you have undone sin. Then, you will no longer be bound to incarnate in this prison of death, mistakenly called life. There is no alternative path; even the Great Master indicated none.
In expiation of my dark past I must needs return into the world, thy world of sin, sorrow, sickness and pain, and disappointed longings for the peace that passeth understanding. Is not my twelve thousand and more years of further wanderings in the far land of this world, far from my Father's house, and feeding on the husks called joy, suffering the fevers, pains and disappointment of hopes, enough of expiation? Yet for a little while longer I must and, impelled by love, willingly do serve Him. Some souls shall have even more than I, if they turn not. Which will ye? Will is the sole Way to esoteric, or occult Christian knowledge. Whosoever will, shall have Eternal Life. But the will to overcome must replace our will of desire, as the fresh air replaces the exhalations of our lung. As the atmosphere is around about us, and, inhaled, becomes our breath, so the Will of the Spirit is around us and, entering into the heart that hath determined to strangle into submission the serpent, suffers us not to know defeat. But I, and Lolix, refused this Breath, and unwilling, turned away. Oh! the horror, the pain, of those lost ages, lost with her! But refound by us both, in--overcoming. I am sorry to admit that such moral obliquity could ever have warped my character, even twelve thousand years ago! Will is the only Way to Christ.
In atoning for my dark past, I must return to the world of sin, sorrow, sickness, pain, and unfulfilled longing for true peace. Haven't my 12,000 years of wandering far from my spiritual home, chasing fleeting joys and enduring suffering, been enough penance? Yet, driven by love, I willingly serve Him a while longer. Some souls will face even greater trials if they don't turn back. What will you choose? Will is the only path to esoteric Christian knowledge. Whoever desires it shall have Eternal Life. But we must replace our will of desire with the will to overcome, as fresh air replaces our exhaled breath. Just as the atmosphere surrounds us and becomes our breath when inhaled, the Will of the Spirit envelops us. When it enters a heart determined to subdue temptation, it prevents us from knowing defeat. But Lolix and I rejected this Breath, turning away unwillingly. Oh, the horror and pain of those lost ages, lost with her! Yet we both found redemption through overcoming. I regret that such moral weakness could have ever distorted my character, even 12,000 years ago! Will is the only Way to Christ.
Is it not an appalling contemplation, to think that, having determined to put Lolix away and to install Anzimee in her place by honorably wedding her before mankind, I was able to calculate upon my knowledge of Lolix and to depend upon her acquiescence in keeping my secret because of her unselfish love for me? Monstrous! I knew that Lolix did nothing by halves. Having given herself to me, she would not expose my iniquity, even though I rejected her for another; society had no reproach for a woman betrayed.
It's a horrifying thought to realize that, after deciding to discard Lolix and replace her with Anzimee through a proper marriage, I could coldly rely on my understanding of Lolix's character. I knew her selfless love for me would ensure she'd keep my secret. How despicable! I was well aware that Lolix was all-or-nothing in her devotion. Having given herself to me, she wouldn't expose my wickedness, even as I cast her aside for another woman. After all, society held no sympathy for a woman who had been betrayed.
In pursuance of my plan, I proposed to obtain the spoken affirmation of the love that had long been confessed by the demeanor of Anzimee. Then I would tell Lolix all, reserving nothing, and throw myself on her mercy. Even after these many, many centuries, when--Laus Deo!--reparation is at last complete, I look at the record of this part of my life when I was Zailm, and wonder that the very confession does not scorch holes in the paper upon which it is written. Moral turpitude is a fearful thing, for, though conscious of its being sinful, I was but dimly aware of the hideous blackness of my action.
Following my plan, I intended to secure a verbal confirmation of the love that Anzimee had long expressed through her behavior. Afterward, I would confess everything to Lolix, holding nothing back, and throw myself at her mercy. Even now, after countless centuries—thank God!—when amends have finally been made, I look back on this period of my life as Zailm and marvel that the very act of confessing doesn't burn holes in the paper it's written on. Moral corruption is a terrible thing; though I was aware of my actions being wrong, I only vaguely grasped the true depth of my wickedness.
Canst thou dissociate, reader, thy horror at the one action sufficiently to take interest in the recital of my profession of love made to Anzimee, after I had hidden from my own sight the evil of my life? It may be almost futile to try; yet it is possible to forget anything out of sight, at least to such a degree.
Can you set aside your horror at my previous action, reader, to take interest in how I professed my love to Anzimee after hiding the evil of my life from myself? It may be almost pointless to try, yet it's possible to forget anything not directly in front of us, at least to some extent.
"That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain."
"You can smile all you want, but still be evil at heart."
More especially is it easy to smile when the evil is in such a fax, far past tense, is atoned, and the villain is one no longer. Thou wilt pardon me if I hint the Way of at-onement. Of all my thousands of years of my many lives, to which in this history I can but briefly allude, I draw for thee one lesson that the weary pilgrimage hath taught me, and in my soul I pray thee heed it. For I am longing for my release, when I may go out into the blessed realms that mine eyes have seen, mine ears heard, and myself been amidst, with Him who openeth and no man shutteth, and shutteth and no man openeth. So this know, and these things; so long as any that read my words turn aside, and will not to know and do His Way, so long do ye keep me out of my part in the Great Peace, until His spirit shall cease to strive with thee, or hinder thee. I am working and sacrificing that ye may know that Way; and tread it. Yet some of you will, even at the finality, be of them that, denying Him, are by Him denied. Out of all the glorious systems of worlds, only Earth denieth, for acknowledging Him by words and crying, "Lord, Lord," they yet hate one another in their serpent-dominated hearts. Think not that I use any figure of speech when I say "serpent"; microscopists know better. "He that soweth to the flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit have Life everlasting." They that are alive have crucified the flesh with its affections. Some will close the eye and the ear to my message I have of Him. By that shall the seed of Eternal Life be closed out of their souls, and they shall die. [*1] But so many as in all things turn unto the Way shall in no wise be cast out. He said it who is true. Keep thy lamps trimmed and be wise, not foolish virgins.
It's easier to smile when the evil is long past, atoned for, and the villain is no longer a threat. Let me suggest a path to reconciliation. From my countless years and many lives, which I can only briefly mention here, I offer one lesson learned from this weary journey. I sincerely hope you'll heed it. I long for my release, to enter the blessed realms I've seen, heard, and experienced, guided by Him who opens doors no one can shut and closes those no one can open. Know this: as long as readers turn away from His Way, you keep me from joining the Great Peace, until His spirit stops reaching out to you. I work and sacrifice so you may know and follow His Way. Yet some will deny Him even at the end, and be denied in turn. Of all the glorious worlds, only Earth denies Him. Many cry "Lord, Lord," but hate each other in their hearts, still ruled by the serpent. This isn't metaphorical; microscopists understand. "Sowing to the flesh reaps corruption; sowing to the Spirit yields eternal life." The truly alive have overcome earthly desires. Some will ignore my message, closing themselves off from Eternal Life. But those who fully embrace the Way will never be rejected. He who is true said so. Keep your lamps ready and be wise, not like the foolish virgins.
Footnotes
Notes
^188:1 NOTE. See foot note on page <page 236>
^188:1 NOTE: See footnote on page 236.
^190:1 NOTE--in this connection read the last age of this book, which closes the history given of a Life redeemed upon His Cross.--Ed.
For more on this topic, refer to the final page of this book, which concludes the account of a life saved through Christ's crucifixion.