The year during which I was not permitted to study passed quickly and uneventfully, except that complications deepened on account of Lolix. My affection for Menax became almost reciprocally as great as his love for me, which was limitless. But I did not tell him that which, heavier and yet heavier, weighed upon me as time lapsed, the secret affair with Lolix. To have done so would have been best, yet I dared not, for it would have lost me all that I most prized. At least I so feared then.
The year I was barred from studying flew by without incident, save for the growing complexities with Lolix. My fondness for Menax grew to nearly match his boundless love for me. Yet I kept silent about the burden that weighed on me more with each passing day: my secret relationship with Lolix. Though confessing would have been wise, I couldn't bring myself to do it, fearing I'd lose everything I cherished most. At least, that's what I believed at the time.
As time went on I began to query my position. Did I love this beautiful girl? Not as I loved Anzimee. "O, Incal, my God, my God!" I moaned in anguish of soul. Conscience slept yet, but stirred restlessly. The fact that Anzimee was my adopted sister did not prevent her becoming my wife, for the law of consanguinity was not violated. But my own acts barred the way.
As time passed, I began to question my situation. Did I truly love this beautiful girl? Not in the same way I loved Anzimee. "Oh, Incal, my God, my God!" I cried out in anguish. My conscience, though dormant, stirred uneasily. The fact that Anzimee was my adopted sister didn't prevent her from becoming my wife, as it didn't violate any laws of blood relation. However, my own actions had created an insurmountable barrier.
My scheme to domicile Lolix in a palace on the far side of Caiphul from Menaxithlon was successfully carried out without exciting the suspicion of any one, not even arousing the jealousy of Lolix. Duplicity, duplicity!
My plan to house Lolix in a mansion across Caiphul, far from Menaxithlon, was executed flawlessly. It didn't raise anyone's suspicions, not even Lolix's jealousy. Oh, the deception!
Then I wooed Anzimee unrestrained by the presence of her who would have been a dangerous factor had she even suspected that the daughter of Menax was not my sister by the ties of consanguinity. But my days began to be filled with fear, for I had sown dragon's teeth; the denouement of such affairs as have evil for a guide is invariably sorrow and bitterness. Suppose Lolix did not tire of me, and I had neither the heart nor the will to do anything to cause her to do so, nature-laws were ever liable to cause a revealment of the facts which would be fatal to my hopes; and though I often cried in agony of soul that I was an unhappy wretch, conscience still slept.
I pursued Anzimee openly, no longer hindered by the presence of Lolix, who would have been a dangerous rival had she known Anzimee wasn't my biological sister. But fear began to creep into my days, for I had sown the seeds of trouble. Affairs guided by deceit inevitably end in sorrow and bitterness. What if Lolix didn't tire of me? I had neither the heart nor the will to drive her away, yet nature's laws could easily reveal the truth, destroying my hopes. Though I often cried out in anguish that I was a miserable wretch, my conscience remained dormant.
But mine was not a character to be deterred from my resolves by danger. If I was engaged in a game of skill with the Evil One for opponent, I would play to the best of my ability. So I determined to be rid of Lolix, a determination that was late, for the fruit of our sin was come and a home secretly provided, for I would do no murder. These plans were carried out, all fortunately, as I thought, without any man being the wiser. But how to be rid of the really lovable woman, Lolix. Only a year remained ere I would enter examination for my diploma at the Xioquithlon. If successful, I meant to ask Anzimee, whom I knew loved me in return, to be to me all that the honored name of wife conveyed.
Despite the risks, I was determined to see my plans through. If I was playing a game of wits against the devil himself, I would give it my all. I resolved to end things with Lolix, though this decision came too late—she was already pregnant. I secretly arranged a home for her, as I refused to commit murder. These arrangements were made discreetly, and I believed no one was the wiser. But how could I part ways with Lolix, who was truly lovable? I had only a year left before my diploma exams at the Xioquithlon. If successful, I intended to propose to Anzimee, who I knew returned my affections, and ask her to be my wife in every sense of the word.
At evening, or of an afternoon, nothing pleased Anzimee better than to walk alone, or with Menax or myself through the palace gardens, under the spreading palms and festoons of flowering vines which canopied all the walks, forming long, cool tunnels of green, gemmed with Flora's most radiant hues. From the breaks in these verdant walls we could see the mimic lakes, hills, cliffs and streams, and beyond these could look out over palace-capped, vine-draped Caiphul and its half thousand hills, large and small. Walking amidst such scenes by the side of her who was so dear, is it strange that my soul was at such times eased of something of its burden of sin and woe?
In the evenings or afternoons, Anzimee loved nothing more than strolling alone or with Menax or me through the palace gardens. We walked under spreading palms and festoons of flowering vines that canopied the paths, creating long, cool tunnels of green adorned with nature's most vibrant colors. Through gaps in these verdant walls, we could see the artificial lakes, hills, cliffs, and streams. Beyond these, we gazed out over Caiphul with its palace-topped, vine-covered hills—all five hundred of them, big and small. As I walked amid such scenery beside my dear companion, is it any wonder that my soul found some respite from its burden of sin and sorrow?
So long did I defer action in the case of Lolix that I came to fear to take any course except to let events order their own settlement. Yea, I lost confidence in my ability to solve the dangerous problem, fearful lest I should make a bad matter worse. Thus the days slipped by and the examination ordeal was close at hand. Neglect Lolix I did not, could not, nor had I desire to do so. Very often I was with her; indeed, with a strange blindness to the wrong involved, I divided my leisure between Lolix and Anzimee. I sometimes feared that Mainin, Gwauxln, or perhaps both, knew of my secret. They did, too, for their occult vision was too keen to allow them not to know the facts. But neither made any sign, not Mainin, for he cared not how much secret evil went on, as we shall see ere long. Nor Gwauxln, not because he, like Mainin, did not care, but because he was merciful and knew that karma had more dreadful punishment in store than any man could possibly inflict, and his mercy forebore to add to my penalty. So the cancer remained hidden from public gaze, and I knew not that the noble ruler was a sad spectator of my misdeeds. I do not wonder at his sad demeanor when with me as manifested in the last year of my studies.
I delayed action regarding Lolix for so long that I began to fear taking any course of action, preferring to let events unfold naturally. I lost confidence in my ability to solve this dangerous problem, worried that I might make things worse. As the days passed, the examination drew near. I couldn't neglect Lolix, nor did I want to. I spent time with her often, and with a strange disregard for the wrongness of it all, I divided my free time between Lolix and Anzimee. I sometimes worried that Mainin, Gwauxln, or both, knew my secret. They did, as their keen intuition allowed them to perceive the truth. Neither showed any sign of this knowledge—Mainin because he didn't care about secret wrongdoings, as we'll soon see, and Gwauxln because he was merciful. Gwauxln knew that karma had worse punishments in store than any person could inflict, and in his mercy, he chose not to add to my eventual penalty. So the issue remained hidden from public view, and I was unaware that our noble leader was a sad witness to my misdeeds. Looking back, I understand why he seemed so melancholy when he was with me during the last year of my studies.
Anzimee had postponed the time of her examination in Xio until the year in which I was to graduate, and hence the festivities which always followed the examination as a mark of rejoicing over the success of those who received diplomas, included her in the honorable list, for she had passed with high credits.
Anzimee had delayed her Xio examination until the year of my graduation. As a result, the celebrations that traditionally followed the exam—honoring those who received diplomas—included her among the distinguished graduates, as she had passed with impressive scores.
A dinner was given by the Rai to the successful contestants, and this feast inaugurated an extended season of high social dinners, balls, parties, concerts and theatrical performances, all in the same honor., Anzimee, arrayed in a robe of grayish silk, with her heavy coils of dark hair fastened apparently by a lovely rose, and upon her shoulder a pin of sapphires and rubies, was presented by Gwauxln at the state dinner to the new Xioqi as the "Ystranavu," or "Star of the Evening." This was a social distinction akin to the modem "Queen of the Ball."
The Rai hosted a dinner for the winning contestants, kicking off a long season of lavish social events including dinners, balls, parties, concerts, and theatrical performances, all in celebration of their success. Anzimee, dressed in a grayish silk gown with her dark hair coiled and seemingly held in place by a beautiful rose, wore a pin of sapphires and rubies on her shoulder. At the state dinner, Gwauxln introduced her to the new Xioqi as the "Ystranavu" or "Star of the Evening"—a social honor similar to today's "Queen of the Ball."
Knowing that Rai Gwauxln would lead his niece to the table and be her escort, I took Lolix, as I had a right to do, for I was a graduate and the possessor of a diploma, and all such might choose a companion, who might or might not be a graduate. Lolix, for my sake, had studied hard during the last three years, and was now in her second year at the Xioquithlon, to which she went from the lower schools. I was growing proud of the girl, and felt most tenderly towards her; indeed, I would have been a most despicable person had I not, after her sacrifice for me. Several times I found Gwauxln looking intently at me--I sat not far from him--and once, as he passed me after the feast, he murmured sadly:
Aware that Rai Gwauxln would escort his niece to the table, I chose Lolix as my companion—a right I had earned as a graduate with a diploma. Lolix had worked diligently for the past three years for my sake and was now in her second year at Xioquithlon, having advanced from the lower schools. I felt increasingly proud of her and developed tender feelings towards her, especially considering her sacrifice for me. It would have been despicable of me not to. I noticed Gwauxln looking at me intently several times—I was seated near him—and once, as he passed by after the feast, he murmured sadly:
"Oh, Zailm, Zailm."
"Oh, Zailm, Zailm."
As may be imagined, this address did not increase my peace of mind. But that night passed without any further disquiet, as so many others had done.
As you might expect, this statement did little to calm my nerves. However, that night passed uneventfully, just like many others before it.
As I walked with Lolix in the great hall of Agacoe, I remarked the many glances of admiration bestowed upon her beauty by the many gentlemen we met, nobles of high degree. She had indeed grown to have a loveliness of face and figure, and best of all, of character, which was no longer heartless, but very gentle since her sad experience of secret motherhood and consequent disbarment from its innocent joys, since the child might not be known as hers. She had had offers of honorable marriage find refused them, knowing even as she did so that the fact of their proffer was a proof of my having spoken falsely when I told her that the laws of Poseid forbade our marriage. But her love for me, if it suffered, was faithful and knew no lessening. And she kept the secret well and the more closely for my sake, wretch that I was! As I looked upon her, I felt that she was very dear to me. But Anzimee was more so, and therefore the hideous tragedy went on. I knew that from love of me Lolix had first repressed heartless remarks, then taken an interest in relieving suffering for its own sake, and so had become transformed from a beautiful thorn tree to a glorious rose of womanly loveliness, with few thorns indeed. Had I really any conscience deserving the name, that I did not come out before the world and take Lolix as my wife after all this boundless love for me? No, not in Poseid. Conscience had not slept; it had never been existent; it was yet to be born, and grow in a later time. Thus did the nemesis of judgment still withhold her stroke.
As Lolix and I strolled through Agacoe's grand hall, I noticed numerous admiring glances from the noblemen we encountered. She had blossomed into a true beauty, both in appearance and character. Her once heartless nature had softened, tempered by the secret burden of motherhood and the pain of being unable to openly claim her child. Despite receiving honorable marriage proposals, Lolix declined them all. She knew these offers proved I had lied about Poseid's laws forbidding our union. Yet her love for me remained steadfast, never wavering. For my sake, she guarded our secret closely, though I hardly deserved such devotion. Looking at her, I felt a deep affection. But Anzimee held my heart more firmly, and so the cruel charade continued. I recognized how Lolix had transformed herself out of love for me, first suppressing her callous remarks, then genuinely embracing compassion. She had become a radiant example of womanhood, shedding most of her thorns. Given her boundless love, shouldn't my conscience have compelled me to publicly claim Lolix as my wife? But in Poseid, I had no such conscience. It wasn't merely dormant; it was nonexistent, waiting to be born in a future life. And so, judgment's reckoning still loomed, its blow yet to fall.