Record Twenty-Seven

9 min

No Headings. It Is Impossible!

No Headings. It's Impossible!

I was alone in the endless corridors. In those same corridors.... A mute, concrete sky. Water was dripping somewhere upon a stone. The familiar heavy opaque door,—and the subdued noise from behind it.

I was alone in the endless corridors. Those same corridors.... A silent concrete sky. Somewhere, water dripped onto stone. The familiar heavy, opaque door. Muffled noise came from behind it.

She said she would come out at sixteen sharp. It was already five minutes, then ten, then fifteen past sixteen. No one appeared. For a second I was my former self, horrified at the thought that the door might open.

She said she would come out at exactly sixteen. It was five minutes past sixteen, then ten, then fifteen. No one appeared. For a moment, I was my old self again, horrified at the thought that the door might open.

“Five minutes more, and if she does not come out....”

“Five more minutes, and if she doesn’t come out....”

Water was dripping somewhere upon a stone. No one about. With melancholy pleasure I felt: “saved,” and slowly I turned and walked back along the corridor. The trembling dots of the small lamps on the ceiling became dimmer and dimmer. Suddenly a quick rattle of a door behind me. Quick steps, softly echoing from the ceiling and the walls. It was she, light as a bird, panting somewhat from running.

Water was dripping onto a stone somewhere. No one was around. With a sad sense of relief, I thought, “saved.” I slowly turned and walked back down the corridor. The small lamps on the ceiling trembled and grew dimmer and dimmer. Suddenly, a door rattled behind me. Quick footsteps echoed softly from the ceiling and walls. It was she, light as a bird, breathing a little hard from running.

“I knew you would be here, you would come! I knew you,—you....”

“I knew you would be here, that you would come! I knew you, you....”

The spears of her eyelashes moved apart to let me in and ... how can I describe what effect that ancient, absurd and wonderful rite has upon me when her lips touch mine? Can I find a formula to express that whirlwind which sweeps out of my soul everything, everything save her? Yes, yes from my soul. You may laugh at me if you will.

The spears of her eyelashes parted to let me in and ... how can I describe what happens when her lips touch mine? It is an ancient, absurd, and wonderful ritual. Can I find a formula for the whirlwind that sweeps everything, everything but her, out of my soul? Yes, yes, out of my soul. You may laugh at me if you like.

She made an effort to raise her eyelids and her slow words too came with an effort:

She struggled to open her eyes. Her words came slowly and with effort too:

“No. Now we must go.”

“No. We have to go now.”

The door opened. Old, worn steps. An unbearably multicolored noise, whistling and light....

The door opened. Old, worn steps. An unbearable burst of multicolored noise, whistling, and light....

Twenty-four hours have passed since then and everything seems to have settled in me, yet it is most difficult for me to find words for even an approximate description.... It is as though a bomb had exploded in my head.... Open mouths, wings, shouts, leaves, words, stones, all these one after another in a heap....

Twenty-four hours have passed since then, and everything seems to have settled inside me. Yet I can hardly find the words to describe it, even roughly.... It feels as if a bomb had exploded in my head.... Open mouths, wings, shouts, leaves, words, stones, all tumbling one after another into a heap....

I remember my first thought was: “Fast—back!” For it was clear to me that while I was waiting there in the corridors, they somehow had blasted and destroyed the Green Wall, and from behind it everything rushed in and splashed over our city which until then had been kept clean of that lower world. I must have said something of this sort to I-330. She laughed.

I remember my first thought was: “Quick, back!” I was sure that while I waited in the corridors, they had somehow blown up the Green Wall. Everything from behind the wall had rushed in and flooded our city, which until then had been kept clean of that lower world. I must have said something like this to I-330. She laughed.

“No, we have simply come out beyond the Green Wall.”

Then I opened my eyes, and close to me, actually, I saw those very things which until then not a single living Number had ever seen otherwise than depreciated a thousand times, dimmed and hazy through the cloudy glass of the Wall.

Then I opened my eyes and saw those very things right beside me. Until then, no living Number had ever seen them except through the cloudy glass of the Wall, dimmed and blurred, their worth reduced a thousand times.

The Sun,—it was no longer our light, evenly diffused over the mirror surface of the pavements; it seemed an accumulation of living fragments, of incessantly oscillating, dizzy spots which blinded the eyes. And the trees! Like candles rising into the very sky, or like spiders which squatted upon the earth, supported by their clumsy paws, or like mute green fountains. And all this was moving, jumping, rustling. Under my feet some strange little ball was crawling.... I stood as though rooted to the ground. I was unable to take a step because under my foot there was not an even plane, but (imagine!), something disgustingly soft, yielding, living, springy, green!...

The sun was no longer our light, spread evenly over the mirror-like pavement. It seemed like a mass of living fragments, of dizzying spots that constantly flickered and blinded me. And the trees! They were like candles reaching into the sky, or spiders crouching on the earth, supported by their clumsy legs. Or they were like silent green fountains. And all of it was moving, jumping, rustling. Some strange little ball was crawling under my feet.... I stood rooted to the spot. I couldn't take a step because under my foot there was no flat surface. Instead, imagine it! There was something disgustingly soft, yielding, alive, springy, green!...

I was dazed; I was strangled,—yes, strangled; it is the best word to express my state. I stood holding fast with both hands to a swinging branch.

I was dazed. I was strangled, yes, strangled. That was the best word for how I felt. I stood there, gripping a swinging branch with both hands.

“It is nothing. It is all right. It is natural,—for the first time. It will pass. Courage!”

“It’s nothing. It’s all right. It’s natural the first time. It will pass. Be brave!”

At I-330’s side bouncing dizzily on a green net,—someone’s thinnest profile, cut out of paper. No, not “someone’s.” I recognized him. I remembered. It was the doctor. I understood everything very clearly. I realized that they both caught me beneath the arms and laughingly dragged me forward. My legs twisted and glided.... Terrible noise, cawing, stumps, yelling, branches, tree-trunks, wings, leaves, whistling....

Beside I-330, bouncing dizzily against a green net, was a thin profile, as if cut from paper. No, not “someone’s.” I recognized him. I remembered. It was the doctor. I understood everything very clearly. I realized that he and I-330 had caught me under the arms and were laughing as they dragged me forward. My legs twisted and slid.... Terrible noise, cawing, stumps, yelling, branches, tree trunks, wings, leaves, whistling....

The trees ran apart. A bright clearing. In the clearing, people, or perhaps to be more exact, beings. Now comes the most difficult part to describe for this was beyond any bounds of probability. It is clear to me now why I-330 was stubbornly silent about it before; I should not have believed it, should not have believed even her. It is even possible that tomorrow I shall not believe myself, shall not believe my own description in these pages.

The trees parted. A bright clearing. In the clearing were people, or perhaps more precisely, beings. Now comes the hardest part to describe, because this was beyond anything I could have imagined. I now understand why I-330 refused to tell me about it before. I would not have believed it, not even from her. It is even possible that tomorrow I will not believe myself. I may not believe what I have written on these pages.

In the clearing, around a naked, skull-like rock,—a noisy crowd of three or four hundred ... people. Well, let’s call them people. I find it difficult to coin new words. Just as on the stands you recognize in the general accumulation of faces only those which are familiar to you, so at first I recognized only our grayish-blue unifs. But one second later and I saw distinctly and clearly among the unifs dark, red, golden, black, brown and white humans—apparently they were humans. None of them had any clothes on, and their bodies were covered with short, glistening hair, like that which may be seen on the stuffed horse in the Prehistoric Museum. But their females had faces exactly, yes exactly, like the faces of our women: tender, rosy and not overgrown with hair. Also their breasts were free of hair, firm breasts of wonderful geometrical form. As to the males, only a part of their faces were free from hair, like our ancestors’, and the organs of reproduction, similar to ours.

In the clearing, around a bare, skull-like rock, was a noisy crowd of three or four hundred ... people. Well, let’s call them people. I find it hard to come up with new words. In the stands, you recognize only familiar faces in the crowd. Just as in the stands, at first I recognized only our grayish-blue unifs. But a second later, I could see clearly among the unifs dark, red, golden, black, brown and white humans. Apparently, they were humans. None of them wore clothes. Their bodies were covered with short, glistening hair, like the hair on the stuffed horse in the Prehistoric Museum. But the females had faces exactly like the faces of our women. Yes, exactly: tender, rosy, and not covered in hair. Their breasts were also hairless, firm, and wonderfully geometric in shape. As for the males, only part of their faces were hairless, like our ancestors’ faces. Their reproductive organs were also hairless and similar to ours.

All this was so unbelievable, so unexpected, that I stood there quietly (I assert positively that I stood quietly), and looked around. Like a scale: overload one side sufficiently and then you may gently put on the other as much as you will; the arrow will not move.

All this was so unbelievable, so unexpected, that I stood quietly and looked around. (I insist that I stood quietly.) It was like a scale: if you overload one side enough, you can gently add as much as you like to the other side. The needle will not move.

Suddenly I felt alone. I-330 was no longer with me. I don’t know how nor where she disappeared. Around me were only those, with their hair glistening like silk in the sunlight. I caught someone’s warm, strong, dark shoulder.

Suddenly I felt alone. I-330 was no longer with me. I didn’t know how or where she had disappeared. Only those were around me, their hair shining like silk in the sunlight. I grabbed someone’s warm, strong, dark shoulder.

“Listen, please, in the name of the Well-Doer, could you tell me where she went? A while, a minute ago she....”

“Please, in the name of the Well-Doer, can you tell me where she went? Just a minute ago she....”

Long-haired, austere eyebrows turned to me.

Long, stern eyebrows turned toward me.

“Sh ... sh ... silence!” He made a sign with his head towards the centre where there stood the yellow, skull-like stone.

“Sh ... sh ... silence!” He nodded toward the center, where the yellow, skull-like stone stood.

There above the heads of all I saw her. The sun beat straight into my eyes, and because of that she seemed coal-black, standing out on the blue cloth of the sky,—a coal-black silhouette on a blue background. A little higher the clouds were floating. And it seemed that not the clouds but the rock itself, and she herself upon that rock, and the crowd and the clearing,—all were silently floating like a ship, and the earth was light and glided away from under the feet....

There, above everyone’s heads, I saw her. The sun shone straight into my eyes, so she looked coal-black against the blue fabric of the sky. She was a coal-black silhouette against a blue background. A little higher up, clouds were floating. But it seemed that the clouds were not moving. Instead, the rock, the woman standing on it, the crowd, and the clearing were all floating silently like a ship. The earth seemed light and glided away from under our feet....

“Brothers!” (It was she.) “Brothers, you all know that there inside the Wall, in the City, they are building the Integral. And you know also that the day has come for us to destroy that Wall and all other walls, so that the green wind may blow all over the earth, from end to end. But the Integral is going to take these walls up into the heights to the thousands of other worlds which every evening whisper to us with their lights through the black leaves of night....”

“Brothers!” (It was she.) “Brothers, you all know they are building the Integral inside the Wall, in the City. And you know the day has come for us to destroy that Wall and all other walls. Then the green wind may blow across the earth, from end to end. But the Integral will carry these walls up to the thousands of other worlds. Every evening, those worlds whisper to us with their lights through the black leaves of night....”

Waves and foam and wind were beating the rock:

Waves, foam, and wind battered the rock:

“Down with the Integral! Down!”

“No, brothers, not ‘down’. The Integral must be ours. And it shall be ours. On the day when it first sets sail into the sky, we shall be on board. For the Builder of the Integral is with us. He left the walls, he came with me here in order to be with us. Long live the Builder!”

“No, brothers, not ‘down’. The Integral must be ours. And it will be ours. On the day it first takes off into the sky, we will be on board. Because the Builder of the Integral is with us. He left the walls and came here with me to be with us. Long live the Builder!”

A second—and I was somewhere above everything. Under me: heads, heads, heads, wide open yelling mouths, arms rising and falling.... There was something strange and intoxicating in it all. I felt myself above everybody; I was,—I,—a separate world; I ceased to be the usual item; I became unity....

In a second, I was somewhere above everything. Below me were heads, heads, heads, wide-open yelling mouths, arms rising and falling.... There was something strange and intoxicating about it all. I felt above everybody. I was, I, a separate world. I stopped being an ordinary item. I became unity....

Again I was below, near the rock, my body happy, shaken and rumpled, as after an embrace of love. Sunlight, voices, and from above—the smile of I-330. A golden-haired woman, her whole body silky-golden and diffusing an odor of different herbs, was near by. She held a cup, apparently made of wood. She drank a little from it with her red lips and then offered the cup to me. I closed my eyes and with avidity I drank the sweet cold prickly sparks, pouring them down on the fire which burned within me.

Once again I was below, near the rock. My body felt happy, shaken and rumpled, as if after a lover’s embrace. There was sunlight, voices, and above me, I-330’s smile. A golden-haired woman stood nearby. Her whole body was silky and golden, and she smelled of different herbs. She held a cup that seemed to be made of wood. She drank a little from it with her red lips, then offered it to me. I closed my eyes and drank eagerly, pouring the sweet, cold, prickling sparks onto the fire burning inside me.

Soon afterward my blood and the whole world began to circulate a thousand times faster; the earth seemed to be flying, light as down. And within me everything was simple, light and clear. Only then I noticed on the rock the familiar, enormous letters: M E P H I, and for some reason the inscription seemed to me necessary. It seemed to be a simple thread binding everything together. A rather rough picture hewn in the rock; this too, seemed comprehensible; it represented a youth with wings and with a transparent body, and in the place ordinarily occupied by the heart,—a blinding, red, blazing coal. Again, I understood that coal, or no, I felt it as I felt without hearing every word of I-330 (she continued to speak from above, from the rock), and I felt that all of them breathed one breath and that they were all ready to fly somewhere like the birds over the Wall.

Soon afterward, my blood and the whole world began to circulate a thousand times faster. The earth seemed to fly, light as down. Inside me, everything was simple, light, and clear. Only then did I notice the familiar, enormous letters on the rock: M E P H I. For some reason, the inscription seemed necessary to me. It seemed like a simple thread binding everything together. There was also a rather rough picture carved into the rock, and this too seemed clear to me. It showed a winged youth with a transparent body. Where his heart would normally be was a blinding, red, blazing coal. Again, I understood that coal, or no, I felt it. In the same way, I felt every word I-330 spoke without hearing it. She continued to speak from above, from the rock. And I felt that all of them breathed as one and were ready to fly somewhere like the birds over the Wall.

From behind, from the confusion of breathing bodies,—a loud voice:

A loud voice came from behind, from the tangle of breathing bodies:

“But this is folly!”

“But this is foolish!”

It seems to me it was I, yes, I am certain it was I, who then jumped on the rock; from there I saw the sun, heads, a green sea on a blue background, and I cried:

I think I was the one who jumped onto the rock then. Yes, I'm sure it was me. From there, I saw the sun, heads, a green sea against a blue background, and I cried out:

“Yes, yes, precisely. All must become insane; we must become insane as soon as possible! We must; I know it.”

“Yes, yes, exactly. Everyone must go mad. We must go mad as soon as possible! We must. I know it.”

I-330 was at my side. Her smile—two dark lines from the angles of her mouth directed upward.... And within me a blazing coal. It was momentary, light, a little painful, beautiful.... And later,—only stray fragments that remained sticking in me....

I-330 was beside me. Her smile: two dark lines curving upward from the corners of her mouth.... Inside me, a burning coal. It was fleeting, light, a little painful, beautiful.... And afterward, only scattered fragments remained stuck inside me....

... Very low and slowly a bird was moving. I saw it was living, like me. It was turning its head now to the right and then to the left like a human being, and its round black eyes screwed themselves into me....

... A bird was moving slowly, very low down. I could see it was alive, like me. It turned its head from right to left like a person, and its round black eyes seemed to bore into me....

... Then: a human back glistening with fur the color of ancient ivory;—a mosquito crawling on that back, a mosquito with tiny transparent wings. The back twitched to chase the mosquito away; it twitched again....

... Then: a human back, glistening with fur the color of old ivory. A mosquito with tiny, transparent wings crawled on the back. The back twitched to chase the mosquito away. It twitched again....

... And yet another thing: a shadow from the leaves, a woven, net-like shadow. Some lay in that shadow, chewing something, something similar to the legendary food of the ancients, a long yellow fruit and a piece of something dark. They put some of it in my hand, and it seemed droll to me for I did not know whether I might eat it or not....

... And another thing: the leaves cast a woven, net-like shadow. Some lay in the shadow, chewing something like the legendary food of the ancients. It was a long yellow fruit and a piece of something dark. They put some in my hand, and I found it odd because I didn't know whether I could eat it or not....

... And again: a crowd, heads, legs, arms, mouths, faces appearing for a second and disappearing like bursting bubbles. For a second appeared (or perhaps it was only an hallucination?) the transparent, flying wing-ears....

... And again: a crowd, heads, legs, arms, mouths, faces appearing for a second and disappearing like bursting bubbles. For a second, the transparent, flying wing-ears appeared. Or perhaps that was only a hallucination?....

With all my might I pressed the hand of I-330. She turned to me.

I squeezed I-330's hand with all my strength. She turned to me.

“What is the matter?”

“What’s wrong?”

“He is here! I thought, I—”

“He is here! I thought, I...”

“Who?”

“S-, a second ago, in the crowd.”

The ends of the thin coal-black, brows moved to the temples—a smile like a sharp triangle. I could not see clearly why she smiled. How could she smile?

The ends of her thin, coal-black eyebrows moved toward her temples. Her smile was like a sharp triangle. I could not quite see why she smiled. How could she smile?

“But you understand, I-330, don’t you, you understand what it means if he, or one of them is here?”

“But you understand, I-330, don’t you? You understand what it means if he or one of them is here?”

“You are funny! How could it ever enter the heads of those within the Wall that we are here? Remember; take yourself. Did you ever think it was possible? They are busy hunting us there,—let them! You are delirious!”

“You’re funny! How could anyone inside the Wall imagine that we’re here? Think about yourself. Did you ever think it was possible? They’re busy hunting us there. Let them! You’re delirious!”

Her smile was light and cheerful and I too, was smiling; the earth was drunken, cheerful, light, floating....

Her smile was light and cheerful, and I was smiling too. The earth was drunk, cheerful, light, floating....