Chapter 2

"Try Your Luck with Professor Challenger"

10 min

I always liked McArdle, the crabbed, old, round-backed, red-headed news editor, and I rather hoped that he liked me. Of course, Beaumont was the real boss; but he lived in the rarefied atmosphere of some Olympian height from which he could distinguish nothing smaller than an international crisis or a split in the Cabinet. Sometimes we saw him passing in lonely majesty to his inner sanctum, with his eyes staring vaguely and his mind hovering over the Balkans or the Persian Gulf. He was above and beyond us. But McArdle was his first lieutenant, and it was he that we knew. The old man nodded as I entered the room, and he pushed his spectacles far up on his bald forehead.

I always liked McArdle, the grouchy old news editor with his rounded back and red hair. I rather hoped he liked me too. Of course, Beaumont was the real boss. But he lived on a lofty Olympian height, where he noticed nothing smaller than an international crisis or a split in the Cabinet. Sometimes we saw him pass alone in majestic silence on his way to his private office. His eyes stared vaguely ahead, and his mind was somewhere over the Balkans or the Persian Gulf. He was above and beyond us. But McArdle was his second in command, and he was the one we knew. The old man nodded as I entered the room and pushed his glasses high up on his bald forehead.

"Well, Mr. Malone, from all I hear, you seem to be doing very well," said he in his kindly Scotch accent.

"Well, Mr. Malone, from all I hear, you seem to be doing very well," he said in his kind Scottish accent.

I thanked him.

"The colliery explosion was excellent. So was the Southwark fire. You have the true descreeptive touch. What did you want to see me about?"

"The coal mine explosion was excellent. So was the Southwark fire. You have a real gift for description. What did you want to see me about?"

"To ask a favor."

He looked alarmed, and his eyes shunned mine. "Tut, tut! What is it?"

He looked alarmed and avoided my eyes. "Oh, dear! What is it?"

"Do you think, Sir, that you could possibly send me on some mission for the paper? I would do my best to put it through and get you some good copy."

"Do you think you could send me on an assignment for the paper, sir? I'd do my best to complete it and get you a good story."

"What sort of meesion had you in your mind, Mr. Malone?"

"What sort of mission did you have in mind, Mr. Malone?"

"Well, Sir, anything that had adventure and danger in it. I really would do my very best. The more difficult it was, the better it would suit me."

“Well, sir, anything involving adventure and danger. I really would do my best. The more difficult it was, the better it would suit me.”

"You seem very anxious to lose your life."

"You seem very eager to die."

"To justify my life, Sir."

"To justify my life, sir."

"Dear me, Mr. Malone, this is very—very exalted. I'm afraid the day for this sort of thing is rather past. The expense of the 'special meesion' business hardly justifies the result, and, of course, in any case it would only be an experienced man with a name that would command public confidence who would get such an order. The big blank spaces in the map are all being filled in, and there's no room for romance anywhere. Wait a bit, though!" he added, with a sudden smile upon his face. "Talking of the blank spaces of the map gives me an idea. What about exposing a fraud—a modern Munchausen—and making him rideeculous? You could show him up as the liar that he is! Eh, man, it would be fine. How does it appeal to you?"

"Goodness, Mr. Malone, this is very, very grand. I'm afraid the days for that sort of thing are pretty much over. The expense of the 'special mission' business hardly justifies the result. And of course, in any case, only an experienced man with a name that commanded public confidence would get such an assignment. The big blank spaces on the map are all being filled in, and there's no room for romance anywhere. But wait a bit!" he added, suddenly smiling. "Talking about the blank spaces on the map gives me an idea. What about exposing a fraud, a modern Munchausen, and making him look ridiculous? You could show him up as the liar he is! Eh, man, it would be fine. What do you think of it?"

"Anything—anywhere—I care nothing."

"Anything, anywhere. I don't care."

McArdle was plunged in thought for some minutes.

McArdle was lost in thought for several minutes.

"I wonder whether you could get on friendly—or at least on talking terms with the fellow," he said, at last. "You seem to have a sort of genius for establishing relations with people—seempathy, I suppose, or animal magnetism, or youthful vitality, or something. I am conscious of it myself."

"I wonder if you could become friendly with the fellow, or at least get him talking," he said at last. "You seem to have a knack for connecting with people. Sympathy, I suppose, or animal magnetism, or youthful energy, or something. I feel it myself."

"You are very good, sir."

"That's very kind of you, sir."

"So why should you not try your luck with Professor Challenger, of Enmore Park?"

"So why not try your luck with Professor Challenger of Enmore Park?"

I dare say I looked a little startled.

I suppose I looked a little startled.

"Challenger!" I cried. "Professor Challenger, the famous zoologist! Wasn't he the man who broke the skull of Blundell, of the Telegraph?"

"Challenger!" I cried. "Professor Challenger, the famous zoologist! Wasn't he the man who fractured the skull of Blundell from the Telegraph?"

The news editor smiled grimly.

"Do you mind? Didn't you say it was adventures you were after?"

"Do you mind? Didn't you say you were looking for adventures?"

"It is all in the way of business, sir," I answered.

"It's all part of the job, sir," I answered.

"Exactly. I don't suppose he can always be so violent as that. I'm thinking that Blundell got him at the wrong moment, maybe, or in the wrong fashion. You may have better luck, or more tact in handling him. There's something in your line there, I am sure, and the Gazette should work it."

"Exactly. I don't suppose he's always that violent. Maybe Blundell caught him at the wrong time or approached him the wrong way. You may have better luck or be more tactful in handling him. I'm sure there's a story there for you, and the Gazette should pursue it."

"I really know nothing about him," said I. "I only remember his name in connection with the police-court proceedings, for striking Blundell."

"I really know nothing about him," I said. "I only remember his name from the court case about his striking Blundell."

"I have a few notes for your guidance, Mr. Malone. I've had my eye on the Professor for some little time." He took a paper from a drawer. "Here is a summary of his record. I give it you briefly:—

"I have a few notes to guide you, Mr. Malone. I've been keeping an eye on the Professor for some time." He took a paper from a drawer. "Here is a brief summary of his record:

"'Challenger, George Edward. Born: Largs, N. B., 1863. Educ.: Largs Academy; Edinburgh University. British Museum Assistant, 1892. Assistant-Keeper of Comparative Anthropology Department, 1893. Resigned after acrimonious correspondence same year. Winner of Crayston Medal for Zoological Research. Foreign Member of'—well, quite a lot of things, about two inches of small type—'Societe Belge, American Academy of Sciences, La Plata, etc., etc. Ex-President Palaeontological Society. Section H, British Association'—so on, so on!—'Publications: "Some Observations Upon a Series of Kalmuck Skulls"; "Outlines of Vertebrate Evolution"; and numerous papers, including "The underlying fallacy of Weissmannism," which caused heated discussion at the Zoological Congress of Vienna. Recreations: Walking, Alpine climbing. Address: Enmore Park, Kensington, W.'

"'Challenger, George Edward. Born in Largs, N. B., in 1863. Educated at Largs Academy and Edinburgh University. Assistant at the British Museum in 1892. Assistant-Keeper of the Comparative Anthropology Department in 1893. Resigned that same year after an exchange of bitter letters. Winner of the Crayston Medal for Zoological Research. Foreign Member of'. Well, quite a lot of things, about two inches of small print. 'Societe Belge, American Academy of Sciences, La Plata, etc., etc. Former President of the Palaeontological Society. Section H, British Association'. And so on, and so on! 'Publications: "Some Observations Upon a Series of Kalmuck Skulls". "Outlines of Vertebrate Evolution". Numerous papers, including "The underlying fallacy of Weissmannism". That paper caused heated discussion at the Zoological Congress of Vienna. Hobbies: Walking, Alpine climbing. Address: Enmore Park, Kensington, W.'

"There, take it with you. I've nothing more for you to-night."

"There, take it with you. I have nothing more for you tonight."

I pocketed the slip of paper.

I put the slip of paper in my pocket.

"One moment, sir," I said, as I realized that it was a pink bald head, and not a red face, which was fronting me. "I am not very clear yet why I am to interview this gentleman. What has he done?"

"One moment, sir," I said, realizing that I was facing a pink bald head, not a red face. "I'm still not quite sure why I have to interview this gentleman. What has he done?"

The face flashed back again.

"Went to South America on a solitary expedeetion two years ago. Came back last year. Had undoubtedly been to South America, but refused to say exactly where. Began to tell his adventures in a vague way, but somebody started to pick holes, and he just shut up like an oyster. Something wonderful happened—or the man's a champion liar, which is the more probable supposeetion. Had some damaged photographs, said to be fakes. Got so touchy that he assaults anyone who asks questions, and heaves reporters down the stairs. In my opinion he's just a homicidal megalomaniac with a turn for science. That's your man, Mr. Malone. Now, off you run, and see what you can make of him. You're big enough to look after yourself. Anyway, you are all safe. Employers' Liability Act, you know."

"Went to South America alone on an expedition two years ago. Came back last year. He had definitely been to South America, but he refused to say exactly where. He began to tell his adventures vaguely, but somebody started to question his story. He just clammed up. Something wonderful happened, or the man's a champion liar. The second is more likely. He had some damaged photographs that people said were fakes. He got so touchy that he assaults anyone who asks questions and throws reporters down the stairs. In my opinion, he's just a homicidal megalomaniac with a talent for science. That's your man, Mr. Malone. Now, off you go and see what you can make of him. You're big enough to look after yourself. Anyway, you're completely safe. The Employers' Liability Act, you know."

A grinning red face turned once more into a pink oval, fringed with gingery fluff; the interview was at an end.

The grinning red face became a pink oval again, framed by ginger fluff. The interview was over.

I walked across to the Savage Club, but instead of turning into it I leaned upon the railings of Adelphi Terrace and gazed thoughtfully for a long time at the brown, oily river. I can always think most sanely and clearly in the open air. I took out the list of Professor Challenger's exploits, and I read it over under the electric lamp. Then I had what I can only regard as an inspiration. As a Pressman, I felt sure from what I had been told that I could never hope to get into touch with this cantankerous Professor. But these recriminations, twice mentioned in his skeleton biography, could only mean that he was a fanatic in science. Was there not an exposed margin there upon which he might be accessible? I would try.

I walked over to the Savage Club, but instead of going in, I leaned on the railings of Adelphi Terrace. I gazed thoughtfully for a long time at the brown, oily river. I can always think most clearly and sensibly in the open air. I took out the list of Professor Challenger's exploits and read it under the electric lamp. Then I had what I can only call an inspiration. From what I had been told, I felt sure that, as a journalist, I could never hope to reach this bad-tempered professor. But the accusations mentioned twice in his brief biography could only mean that he was a fanatic about science. Might that not be a weak spot through which I could reach him? I would try.

I entered the club. It was just after eleven, and the big room was fairly full, though the rush had not yet set in. I noticed a tall, thin, angular man seated in an arm-chair by the fire. He turned as I drew my chair up to him. It was the man of all others whom I should have chosen—Tarp Henry, of the staff of Nature, a thin, dry, leathery creature, who was full, to those who knew him, of kindly humanity. I plunged instantly into my subject.

I entered the club just after eleven. The large room was fairly full, though the rush had not yet begun. I noticed a tall, thin, angular man sitting in an armchair by the fire. He turned as I pulled my chair up to him. He was the one man I would have chosen above all others. It was Tarp Henry, a staff member at Nature. He was thin, dry, and leathery, but those who knew him knew how kind and humane he was. I plunged straight into my subject.

"What do you know of Professor Challenger?"

"What do you know about Professor Challenger?"

"Challenger?" He gathered his brows in scientific disapproval. "Challenger was the man who came with some cock-and-bull story from South America."

"Challenger?" He frowned with scientific disapproval. "Challenger was the man who came back from South America with some ridiculous story."

"What story?"

"Oh, it was rank nonsense about some queer animals he had discovered. I believe he has retracted since. Anyhow, he has suppressed it all. He gave an interview to Reuter's, and there was such a howl that he saw it wouldn't do. It was a discreditable business. There were one or two folk who were inclined to take him seriously, but he soon choked them off."

"Oh, it was complete nonsense about some strange animals he had discovered. I believe he has since taken it back. In any case, he has suppressed it all. He gave an interview to Reuter's, and the outcry was so great that he saw it wouldn't do. It was a disgraceful business. One or two people were inclined to take him seriously, but he soon silenced them."

"How?"

"Well, by his insufferable rudeness and impossible behavior. There was poor old Wadley, of the Zoological Institute. Wadley sent a message: 'The President of the Zoological Institute presents his compliments to Professor Challenger, and would take it as a personal favor if he would do them the honor to come to their next meeting.' The answer was unprintable."

"Well, because of his unbearable rudeness and impossible behavior. Take poor old Wadley of the Zoological Institute. Wadley sent a message: 'The President of the Zoological Institute sends his regards to Professor Challenger. He would consider it a personal favor if the professor would honor them by attending their next meeting.' Challenger's answer was unprintable."

"You don't say?"

"Really?"

"Well, a bowdlerized version of it would run: 'Professor Challenger presents his compliments to the President of the Zoological Institute, and would take it as a personal favor if he would go to the devil.'"

"Well, a toned-down version would go: 'Professor Challenger sends his regards to the President of the Zoological Institute. He would consider it a personal favor if the President would go to the devil.'"

"Good Lord!"

"Yes, I expect that's what old Wadley said. I remember his wail at the meeting, which began: 'In fifty years experience of scientific intercourse——' It quite broke the old man up."

"Yes, I expect that's what old Wadley said. I remember his wail at the meeting. He began: 'In fifty years of experience in the scientific community...' It really broke the old man up."

"Anything more about Challenger?"

"Well, I'm a bacteriologist, you know. I live in a nine-hundred-diameter microscope. I can hardly claim to take serious notice of anything that I can see with my naked eye. I'm a frontiersman from the extreme edge of the Knowable, and I feel quite out of place when I leave my study and come into touch with all you great, rough, hulking creatures. I'm too detached to talk scandal, and yet at scientific conversaziones I HAVE heard something of Challenger, for he is one of those men whom nobody can ignore. He's as clever as they make 'em—a full-charged battery of force and vitality, but a quarrelsome, ill-conditioned faddist, and unscrupulous at that. He had gone the length of faking some photographs over the South American business."

"Well, I'm a bacteriologist, you know. I live in a microscope that magnifies things nine hundred times. I can hardly claim to pay serious attention to anything I can see with my naked eye. I'm a frontiersman from the outermost edge of what can be known. I feel quite out of place when I leave my study and meet all you great, rough, hulking creatures. I'm too detached to gossip. But at scientific gatherings I HAVE heard something about Challenger, because he's one of those men nobody can ignore. He's as clever as they come, a fully charged battery of energy and vitality. But he's a quarrelsome, bad-tempered crank, and unscrupulous too. He even faked some photographs in connection with the South American affair."

"You say he is a faddist. What is his particular fad?"

"You say he's obsessed with something. What is it?"

"He has a thousand, but the latest is something about Weissmann and Evolution. He had a fearful row about it in Vienna, I believe."

"He has a thousand, but the latest is about Weissmann and Evolution. I believe he had a terrible argument about it in Vienna."

"Can't you tell me the point?"

"Not at the moment, but a translation of the proceedings exists. We have it filed at the office. Would you care to come?"

"Not right now, but there is a translation of the proceedings. We have it on file at the office. Would you like to come?"

"It's just what I want. I have to interview the fellow, and I need some lead up to him. It's really awfully good of you to give me a lift. I'll go with you now, if it is not too late."

"That's just what I need. I have to interview the man, and I need a way to approach him. It's really kind of you to help me out. I'll go with you now, if it's not too late."

Half an hour later I was seated in the newspaper office with a huge tome in front of me, which had been opened at the article "Weissmann versus Darwin," with the sub heading, "Spirited Protest at Vienna. Lively Proceedings." My scientific education having been somewhat neglected, I was unable to follow the whole argument, but it was evident that the English Professor had handled his subject in a very aggressive fashion, and had thoroughly annoyed his Continental colleagues. "Protests," "Uproar," and "General appeal to the Chairman" were three of the first brackets which caught my eye. Most of the matter might have been written in Chinese for any definite meaning that it conveyed to my brain.

Half an hour later, I was sitting in the newspaper office with a huge volume open in front of me. It was open to the article "Weissmann versus Darwin," under the heading "Spirited Protest at Vienna. Lively Proceedings." My scientific education had been somewhat neglected, so I couldn't follow the whole argument. But it was clear that the English Professor had tackled his subject very aggressively and thoroughly annoyed his Continental colleagues. "Protests," "Uproar," and "General appeal to the Chairman" were three of the first bracketed notes that caught my eye. Most of the article might as well have been written in Chinese, for all the sense I could make of it.

"I wish you could translate it into English for me," I said, pathetically, to my help-mate.

"I wish you could translate it into English for me," I said pitifully to my companion.

"Well, it is a translation."

"Then I'd better try my luck with the original."

"It is certainly rather deep for a layman."

“It is certainly rather difficult for a nonexpert.”

"If I could only get a single good, meaty sentence which seemed to convey some sort of definite human idea, it would serve my turn. Ah, yes, this one will do. I seem in a vague way almost to understand it. I'll copy it out. This shall be my link with the terrible Professor."

"If I could find one good, substantial sentence that seemed to express some definite human idea, it would do. Ah, yes, this one will do. I almost seem to understand it, in a vague way. I'll copy it out. This sentence will be my link to the terrible Professor."

"Nothing else I can do?"

"Is there anything else I can do?"

"Well, yes; I propose to write to him. If I could frame the letter here, and use your address it would give atmosphere."

"Well, yes, I plan to write to him. If I could write the letter here and use your address, it would add atmosphere."

"We'll have the fellow round here making a row and breaking the furniture."

"We'll have the guy coming around here, making a fuss and breaking the furniture."

"No, no; you'll see the letter—nothing contentious, I assure you."

"No, no, you'll see the letter. I promise there's nothing controversial in it."

"Well, that's my chair and desk. You'll find paper there. I'd like to censor it before it goes."

"Well, that's my chair and desk. You'll find paper there. I'd like to review it before it goes."

It took some doing, but I flatter myself that it wasn't such a bad job when it was finished. I read it aloud to the critical bacteriologist with some pride in my handiwork.

It took some effort, but I think it turned out pretty well. I read it aloud to the critical bacteriologist, feeling proud of my work.

"DEAR PROFESSOR CHALLENGER," it said, "As a humble student of Nature, I have always taken the most profound interest in your speculations as to the differences between Darwin and Weissmann. I have recently had occasion to refresh my memory by re-reading——"

"DEAR PROFESSOR CHALLENGER," it said, "As a humble student of nature, I have always been deeply interested in your ideas about the differences between Darwin and Weissmann. Recently, I had reason to refresh my memory by rereading..."

"You infernal liar!" murmured Tarp Henry.

"You damn liar!" murmured Tarp Henry.

—"by re-reading your masterly address at Vienna. That lucid and admirable statement seems to be the last word in the matter. There is one sentence in it, however—namely: 'I protest strongly against the insufferable and entirely dogmatic assertion that each separate id is a microcosm possessed of an historical architecture elaborated slowly through the series of generations.' Have you no desire, in view of later research, to modify this statement? Do you not think that it is over-accentuated? With your permission, I would ask the favor of an interview, as I feel strongly upon the subject, and have certain suggestions which I could only elaborate in a personal conversation. With your consent, I trust to have the honor of calling at eleven o'clock the day after to-morrow (Wednesday) morning.

"by rereading your brilliant address in Vienna. That clear and admirable statement seems to be the final word on the subject. There is one sentence in it, however: 'I strongly object to the intolerable and utterly dogmatic claim that each separate id is a microcosm. This microcosm supposedly has a historical structure built up slowly over generations.' Given later research, do you wish to revise this statement? Don't you think it is too emphatic? With your permission, I would like to ask for an interview. I feel strongly about the subject and have some suggestions I can only explain fully in person. With your consent, I hope to have the honor of calling at eleven o'clock on Wednesday morning, the day after tomorrow.

"I remain, Sir, with assurances of profound respect, yours very truly, EDWARD D. MALONE."

"With deep respect, Sir, yours sincerely, EDWARD D. MALONE."

"How's that?" I asked, triumphantly.

"How's that?" I asked triumphantly.

"Well if your conscience can stand it——"

"Well, if your conscience can handle it..."

"It has never failed me yet."

"But what do you mean to do?"

"But what do you plan to do?"

"To get there. Once I am in his room I may see some opening. I may even go the length of open confession. If he is a sportsman he will be tickled."

"To get there. Once I'm in his room, I may find an opening. I may even confess everything. If he's a good sport, he'll be amused."

"Tickled, indeed! He's much more likely to do the tickling. Chain mail, or an American football suit—that's what you'll want. Well, good-bye. I'll have the answer for you here on Wednesday morning—if he ever deigns to answer you. He is a violent, dangerous, cantankerous character, hated by everyone who comes across him, and the butt of the students, so far as they dare take a liberty with him. Perhaps it would be best for you if you never heard from the fellow at all."

"Tickled, indeed! He's much more likely to do the tickling. You'll want chain mail or an American football suit. Well, goodbye. I'll have his answer for you here on Wednesday morning, if he ever bothers to answer you. He's violent, dangerous, and bad-tempered. Everyone who meets him hates him, and the students make fun of him whenever they dare. Perhaps you'd be better off if you never heard from the fellow at all."