About the Wet Snow

I stood before her crushed, crestfallen, revoltingly confused, and I believe I smiled as I did my utmost to wrap myself in the skirts of my ragged wadded dressing-gown—exactly as I had imagined the scene not long before in a fit of depression. After standing over us for a couple of minutes Apollon went away, but that did not make me more at ease. What made it worse was that she, too, was overwhelmed with confusion, more so, in fact, than I should have expected. At the sight of me, of course.

I stood before her, crushed, dejected, and disgustingly confused. I think I smiled as I tried my best to wrap myself in my ragged, padded dressing gown. The scene was exactly as I had imagined it not long before, in a fit of depression. After standing over us for a couple of minutes, Apollon went away, but I still felt no more at ease. What made things worse was that she, too, was overwhelmed with confusion. In fact, she was more confused than I would have expected. At the sight of me, of course.

“Sit down,” I said mechanically, moving a chair up to the table, and I sat down on the sofa. She obediently sat down at once and gazed at me open-eyed, evidently expecting something from me at once. This naïveté of expectation drove me to fury, but I restrained myself.

“Sit down,” I said automatically, pulling a chair up to the table. Then I sat down on the sofa. She obeyed at once and stared at me with wide eyes, clearly expecting me to do something immediately. Her innocent expectation enraged me, but I held back.

She ought to have tried not to notice, as though everything had been as usual, while instead of that, she ... and I dimly felt that I should make her pay dearly for all this.

She should have tried not to notice, as if everything were normal. But instead, she ... and I vaguely felt that I would make her pay dearly for all this.

“You have found me in a strange position, Liza,” I began, stammering and knowing that this was the wrong way to begin. “No, no, don’t imagine anything,” I cried, seeing that she had suddenly flushed. “I am not ashamed of my poverty.... On the contrary, I look with pride on my poverty. I am poor but honourable.... One can be poor and honourable,” I muttered. “However ... would you like tea?....”

“You’ve found me in a strange situation, Liza,” I began, stammering and knowing this was the wrong way to start. “No, no, don’t get the wrong idea,” I cried, seeing her suddenly blush. “I’m not ashamed of being poor.... On the contrary, I’m proud of my poverty. I’m poor but honorable.... A person can be poor and honorable,” I muttered. “Anyway ... would you like some tea?....”

“No,” she was beginning.

“No,” she began.

“Wait a minute.”

“Wait a minute.”

I leapt up and ran to Apollon. I had to get out of the room somehow.

I jumped up and ran to Apollon. I had to get out of the room somehow.

“Apollon,” I whispered in feverish haste, flinging down before him the seven roubles which had remained all the time in my clenched fist, “here are your wages, you see I give them to you; but for that you must come to my rescue: bring me tea and a dozen rusks from the restaurant. If you won’t go, you’ll make me a miserable man! You don’t know what this woman is.... This is—everything! You may be imagining something.... But you don’t know what that woman is! ...”

“Apollon,” I whispered in feverish haste, throwing down the seven roubles I had kept clenched in my fist. “Here are your wages. You see, I’m paying you. But in return, you must help me. Bring me tea and a dozen rusks from the restaurant. If you won’t go, you’ll make me miserable! You don’t know what this woman is.... This is everything! You may be imagining something.... But you don’t know what that woman is! ...”

Apollon, who had already sat down to his work and put on his spectacles again, at first glanced askance at the money without speaking or putting down his needle; then, without paying the slightest attention to me or making any answer, he went on busying himself with his needle, which he had not yet threaded. I waited before him for three minutes with my arms crossed à la Napoléon. My temples were moist with sweat. I was pale, I felt it. But, thank God, he must have been moved to pity, looking at me. Having threaded his needle he deliberately got up from his seat, deliberately moved back his chair, deliberately took off his spectacles, deliberately counted the money, and finally asking me over his shoulder: “Shall I get a whole portion?” deliberately walked out of the room. As I was going back to Liza, the thought occurred to me on the way: shouldn’t I run away just as I was in my dressing-gown, no matter where, and then let happen what would?

Apollon had already sat down to work and put his glasses back on. At first, he glanced sideways at the money without speaking or putting down his needle. Then, without paying me the slightest attention or answering, he went back to working with his needle. He had not yet threaded it. I stood waiting in front of him for three minutes, my arms crossed like Napoleon. My temples were damp with sweat. I could feel that I was pale. But, thank God, he must have taken pity on me when he looked at me. After threading his needle, he deliberately stood up, deliberately pushed back his chair, deliberately took off his glasses, and deliberately counted the money. Finally, he asked me over his shoulder, “Shall I get a whole portion?” Then he deliberately walked out of the room. As I went back to Liza, a thought occurred to me: should I run away just as I was, in my dressing gown, anywhere at all, and let whatever happened happen?

I sat down again. She looked at me uneasily. For some minutes we were silent.

I sat down again. She looked at me nervously. We were silent for a few minutes.

“I will kill him,” I shouted suddenly, striking the table with my fist so that the ink spurted out of the inkstand.

“I’ll kill him,” I suddenly shouted, slamming my fist on the table so hard that ink splashed out of the inkwell.

“What are you saying!” she cried, starting.

“What are you saying!” she cried, startled.

“I will kill him! kill him!” I shrieked, suddenly striking the table in absolute frenzy, and at the same time fully understanding how stupid it was to be in such a frenzy. “You don’t know, Liza, what that torturer is to me. He is my torturer.... He has gone now to fetch some rusks; he ...”

“I’ll kill him! Kill him!” I shrieked, suddenly striking the table in a frenzy. At the same time, I knew perfectly well how stupid it was to be so worked up. “You don’t know, Liza, what that man means to me. He is my tormentor.... He has gone to fetch some rusks; he ...”

And suddenly I burst into tears. It was an hysterical attack. How ashamed I felt in the midst of my sobs; but still I could not restrain them.

And suddenly I burst into tears. It was a hysterical fit. I felt so ashamed as I sobbed, but I still couldn't stop.

She was frightened.

She was scared.

“What is the matter? What is wrong?” she cried, fussing about me.

“What’s the matter? What’s wrong?” she cried, fussing over me.

“Water, give me water, over there!” I muttered in a faint voice, though I was inwardly conscious that I could have got on very well without water and without muttering in a faint voice. But I was, what is called, putting it on, to save appearances, though the attack was a genuine one.

“Water, give me water, over there!” I muttered faintly. Yet I knew perfectly well that I could have managed without water or a faint voice. But I was, as they say, putting it on to keep up appearances, though the attack was real.

She gave me water, looking at me in bewilderment. At that moment Apollon brought in the tea. It suddenly seemed to me that this commonplace, prosaic tea was horribly undignified and paltry after all that had happened, and I blushed crimson. Liza looked at Apollon with positive alarm. He went out without a glance at either of us.

She gave me water, looking at me in confusion. Just then, Apollon brought in the tea. Suddenly, that ordinary tea seemed horribly undignified and petty after all that had happened. I blushed bright red. Liza looked at Apollon with real alarm. He went out without looking at either of us.

“Liza, do you despise me?” I asked, looking at her fixedly, trembling with impatience to know what she was thinking.

“Liza, do you despise me?” I asked, staring at her. I trembled with impatience to know what she was thinking.

She was confused, and did not know what to answer.

She was confused and didn't know what to say.

“Drink your tea,” I said to her angrily. I was angry with myself, but, of course, it was she who would have to pay for it. A horrible spite against her suddenly surged up in my heart; I believe I could have killed her. To revenge myself on her I swore inwardly not to say a word to her all the time. “She is the cause of it all,” I thought.

“Drink your tea,” I said to her angrily. I was angry with myself, but, of course, she was the one who would pay for my anger. Suddenly, I felt a terrible hatred for her. I think I could have killed her. To get revenge on her, I silently vowed not to say a word to her the whole time. “She’s the cause of it all,” I thought.

Our silence lasted for five minutes. The tea stood on the table; we did not touch it. I had got to the point of purposely refraining from beginning in order to embarrass her further; it was awkward for her to begin alone. Several times she glanced at me with mournful perplexity. I was obstinately silent. I was, of course, myself the chief sufferer, because I was fully conscious of the disgusting meanness of my spiteful stupidity, and yet at the same time I could not restrain myself.

We sat in silence for five minutes. The tea sat on the table, untouched. By then, I was deliberately refusing to speak first to make her even more uncomfortable. It was awkward for her to start the conversation herself. Several times she glanced at me, sad and bewildered. I stubbornly stayed silent. Of course, I was suffering most. I knew full well how disgustingly mean and spitefully stupid I was being, yet I still couldn't stop myself.

“I want to... get away ... from there altogether,” she began, to break the silence in some way, but, poor girl, that was just what she ought not to have spoken about at such a stupid moment to a man so stupid as I was. My heart positively ached with pity for her tactless and unnecessary straightforwardness. But something hideous at once stifled all compassion in me; it even provoked me to greater venom. I did not care what happened. Another five minutes passed.

“I want to... get away... from there altogether,” she began, trying to break the silence. But the poor girl could not have chosen a worse subject at such a stupid moment, with a man as stupid as I was. My heart ached with pity for her tactless, unnecessary honesty. But something ugly immediately smothered all my compassion. It even made me more spiteful. I didn’t care what happened. Another five minutes passed.

“Perhaps I am in your way,” she began timidly, hardly audibly, and was getting up.

“Perhaps I’m in your way,” she began timidly, barely audibly, and started to get up.

But as soon as I saw this first impulse of wounded dignity I positively trembled with spite, and at once burst out.

But as soon as I saw this first reaction of wounded pride, I trembled with spite and immediately burst out.

“Why have you come to me, tell me that, please?” I began, gasping for breath and regardless of logical connection in my words. I longed to have it all out at once, at one burst; I did not even trouble how to begin. “Why have you come? Answer, answer,” I cried, hardly knowing what I was doing. “I’ll tell you, my good girl, why you have come. You’ve come because I talked sentimental stuff to you then. So now you are soft as butter and longing for fine sentiments again. So you may as well know that I was laughing at you then. And I am laughing at you now. Why are you shuddering? Yes, I was laughing at you! I had been insulted just before, at dinner, by the fellows who came that evening before me. I came to you, meaning to thrash one of them, an officer; but I didn’t succeed, I didn’t find him; I had to avenge the insult on someone to get back my own again; you turned up, I vented my spleen on you and laughed at you. I had been humiliated, so I wanted to humiliate; I had been treated like a rag, so I wanted to show my power.... That’s what it was, and you imagined I had come there on purpose to save you. Yes? You imagined that? You imagined that?”

“Why did you come to me? Please, tell me that,” I began, gasping for breath and paying no attention to whether my words made sense together. I wanted to get it all out at once, in one burst. I didn’t even bother to think how to begin. “Why did you come? Answer me, answer me,” I cried, hardly knowing what I was doing. “I’ll tell you why you came, my dear girl. You came because I talked sentimentally to you then. So now you’re soft as butter and longing for more fine sentiments. Well, you might as well know that I was laughing at you then. And I’m laughing at you now. Why are you shuddering? Yes, I was laughing at you! “Just before that, at dinner, I’d been insulted by the men who came that evening before me. I came to you intending to beat up one of them, an officer. But I didn’t succeed, because I couldn’t find him. I had to take revenge on someone for the insult and get my own back. You turned up, so I took my anger out on you and laughed at you. I’d been humiliated, so I wanted to humiliate someone. I’d been treated like a rag, so I wanted to show my power.... That’s what it was. And you imagined I’d come there on purpose to save you. Yes? You imagined that? You imagined that?”

I knew that she would perhaps be muddled and not take it all in exactly, but I knew, too, that she would grasp the gist of it, very well indeed. And so, indeed, she did. She turned white as a handkerchief, tried to say something, and her lips worked painfully; but she sank on a chair as though she had been felled by an axe. And all the time afterwards she listened to me with her lips parted and her eyes wide open, shuddering with awful terror. The cynicism, the cynicism of my words overwhelmed her....

I knew she might be confused and not take it all in exactly. But I also knew she would grasp the gist of it very well. And she did. She turned white as a handkerchief and tried to say something. Her lips moved painfully, but she sank into a chair as if she had been struck by an axe. From then on, she listened to me with parted lips and wide eyes, shuddering with terror. The cynicism, the cynicism of my words overwhelmed her....

“Save you!” I went on, jumping up from my chair and running up and down the room before her. “Save you from what? But perhaps I am worse than you myself. Why didn’t you throw it in my teeth when I was giving you that sermon: ‘But what did you come here yourself for? was it to read us a sermon?’ Power, power was what I wanted then, sport was what I wanted, I wanted to wring out your tears, your humiliation, your hysteria—that was what I wanted then! Of course, I couldn’t keep it up then, because I am a wretched creature, I was frightened, and, the devil knows why, gave you my address in my folly. Afterwards, before I got home, I was cursing and swearing at you because of that address, I hated you already because of the lies I had told you. Because I only like playing with words, only dreaming, but, do you know, what I really want is that you should all go to hell. That is what I want. I want peace; yes, I’d sell the whole world for a farthing, straight off, so long as I was left in peace. Is the world to go to pot, or am I to go without my tea? I say that the world may go to pot for me so long as I always get my tea. Did you know that, or not? Well, anyway, I know that I am a blackguard, a scoundrel, an egoist, a sluggard. Here I have been shuddering for the last three days at the thought of your coming. And do you know what has worried me particularly for these three days? That I posed as such a hero to you, and now you would see me in a wretched torn dressing-gown, beggarly, loathsome. I told you just now that I was not ashamed of my poverty; so you may as well know that I am ashamed of it; I am more ashamed of it than of anything, more afraid of it than of being found out if I were a thief, because I am as vain as though I had been skinned and the very air blowing on me hurt. Surely by now you must realise that I shall never forgive you for having found me in this wretched dressing-gown, just as I was flying at Apollon like a spiteful cur. The saviour, the former hero, was flying like a mangy, unkempt sheep-dog at his lackey, and the lackey was jeering at him! And I shall never forgive you for the tears I could not help shedding before you just now, like some silly woman put to shame! And for what I am confessing to you now, I shall never forgive you either! Yes—you must answer for it all because you turned up like this, because I am a blackguard, because I am the nastiest, stupidest, absurdest and most envious of all the worms on earth, who are not a bit better than I am, but, the devil knows why, are never put to confusion; while I shall always be insulted by every louse, that is my doom! And what is it to me that you don’t understand a word of this! And what do I care, what do I care about you, and whether you go to ruin there or not? Do you understand? How I shall hate you now after saying this, for having been here and listening. Why, it’s not once in a lifetime a man speaks out like this, and then it is in hysterics! ... What more do you want? Why do you still stand confronting me, after all this? Why are you worrying me? Why don’t you go?”

“Save you!” I went on, jumping up from my chair and pacing the room in front of her. “Save you from what? Maybe I’m worse than you. Why didn’t you throw it in my face when I was preaching to you? ‘But why did you come here yourself? Was it to preach to us?’ Power, power was what I wanted then. I wanted amusement. I wanted to make you cry, to humiliate you, to drive you into hysterics. That was what I wanted! Of course, I couldn’t keep it up, because I’m a wretched creature. I got scared and, for the devil knows what reason, was foolish enough to give you my address. Afterward, before I even got home, I was cursing you because I’d given you my address. I already hated you because of the lies I’d told you. I only like playing with words and dreaming. But do you know what I really want? I want you all to go to hell. That’s what I want. I want peace. Yes, I’d sell the whole world for a penny, right now, as long as I was left in peace. Should the world go to ruin, or should I go without my tea? I say let the world go to ruin, as long as I always get my tea. “Did you know that, or not? Well, anyway, I know I’m a scoundrel, a villain, a selfish man, a lazy good-for-nothing. For the last three days, I’ve been trembling at the thought of your coming. And do you know what’s worried me most during those three days? I acted like such a hero in front of you, and now you’d see me in this miserable, torn dressing-gown, poor and disgusting. I just told you I wasn’t ashamed of my poverty. Well, you might as well know that I am ashamed of it. I’m more ashamed of being poor than of anything else. I’m more afraid of it than I’d be of being caught if I were a thief. I’m so vain that it’s as if my skin had been stripped off and even the air hurt me. “Surely by now you realize I’ll never forgive you for finding me in this miserable dressing-gown. You found me just as I was attacking Apollon like a vicious little dog. The savior, the former hero, was attacking his servant like a mangy, scruffy sheepdog, and the servant was mocking him! And I’ll never forgive you for the tears I couldn’t help shedding in front of you just now, like some silly woman who’d been shamed! And I’ll never forgive you for what I’m confessing to you now, either! “Yes, you must answer for all of it because you turned up like this. Because I’m a scoundrel. Because I’m the nastiest, stupidest, most ridiculous and most envious of all the worms on earth. They’re not a bit better than I am, but, the devil knows why, they’re never put to shame. While I’ll always be insulted by every louse. That’s my fate! And what does it matter to me that you don’t understand a word of this? And what do I care, what do I care about you, or whether you come to ruin there or not? Do you understand? How I’ll hate you now, after saying all this, because you were here listening. A man doesn’t speak out like this even once in a lifetime, and when he does, he’s hysterical! ... What more do you want? Why are you still standing there in front of me after all this? Why are you bothering me? Why don’t you go?”

But at this point a strange thing happened. I was so accustomed to think and imagine everything from books, and to picture everything in the world to myself just as I had made it up in my dreams beforehand, that I could not all at once take in this strange circumstance. What happened was this: Liza, insulted and crushed by me, understood a great deal more than I imagined. She understood from all this what a woman understands first of all, if she feels genuine love, that is, that I was myself unhappy.

But then something strange happened. I was so used to thinking and imagining everything through books. I pictured everything in the world just as I had imagined it in my dreams beforehand. So I could not immediately take in this strange turn of events. Here is what happened: Liza, whom I had insulted and crushed, understood far more than I imagined. From all that had happened, she understood what a woman understands first if she truly loves someone: I was unhappy myself.

The frightened and wounded expression on her face was followed first by a look of sorrowful perplexity. When I began calling myself a scoundrel and a blackguard and my tears flowed (the tirade was accompanied throughout by tears) her whole face worked convulsively. She was on the point of getting up and stopping me; when I finished she took no notice of my shouting: “Why are you here, why don’t you go away?” but realised only that it must have been very bitter to me to say all this. Besides, she was so crushed, poor girl; she considered herself infinitely beneath me; how could she feel anger or resentment? She suddenly leapt up from her chair with an irresistible impulse and held out her hands, yearning towards me, though still timid and not daring to stir.... At this point there was a revulsion in my heart too. Then she suddenly rushed to me, threw her arms round me and burst into tears. I, too, could not restrain myself, and sobbed as I never had before.

The frightened, wounded look on her face gave way to sorrowful confusion. I began calling myself a scoundrel and a villain, and my tears flowed. I wept throughout the whole outburst. Her face twisted in anguish. She was about to get up and stop me. When I finished, she paid no attention to my shouting: “Why are you here, why don’t you go away?” She understood only how painful it must have been for me to say all that. Besides, the poor girl was so crushed. She thought herself so far beneath me. How could she feel anger or resentment? Suddenly, overcome by an irresistible impulse, she leapt from her chair and held out her hands to me. She yearned to come closer, but was still too timid to move.... At that point, my heart changed too. Then she suddenly rushed over, threw her arms around me, and burst into tears. I could not hold back either. I sobbed as I never had before.

“They won’t let me ... I can’t be good!” I managed to articulate; then I went to the sofa, fell on it face downwards, and sobbed on it for a quarter of an hour in genuine hysterics. She came close to me, put her arms round me and stayed motionless in that position. But the trouble was that the hysterics could not go on for ever, and (I am writing the loathsome truth) lying face downwards on the sofa with my face thrust into my nasty leather pillow, I began by degrees to be aware of a far-away, involuntary but irresistible feeling that it would be awkward now for me to raise my head and look Liza straight in the face. Why was I ashamed? I don’t know, but I was ashamed. The thought, too, came into my overwrought brain that our parts now were completely changed, that she was now the heroine, while I was just a crushed and humiliated creature as she had been before me that night—four days before.... And all this came into my mind during the minutes I was lying on my face on the sofa.

“They won’t let me ... I can’t be good!” I managed to say. Then I went to the sofa, fell face down on it, and sobbed uncontrollably for fifteen minutes. She came close, put her arms around me, and stayed still like that. But the trouble was that my sobbing couldn’t go on forever. I’m writing the loathsome truth. As I lay face down on the sofa, my face buried in the nasty leather pillow, a distant feeling gradually came over me. I couldn’t help it or resist it. I felt that it would be awkward now to raise my head and look Liza straight in the face. Why was I ashamed? I don’t know, but I was ashamed. Another thought came into my overwrought mind. Our roles had completely changed. She was now the heroine, while I was just a crushed and humiliated creature. She had been like that before me that night, four days earlier.... All this came into my mind during the minutes I lay face down on the sofa.

My God! surely I was not envious of her then.

My God! Surely I wasn't jealous of her then.

I don’t know, to this day I cannot decide, and at the time, of course, I was still less able to understand what I was feeling than now. I cannot get on without domineering and tyrannising over someone, but ... there is no explaining anything by reasoning and so it is useless to reason.

I don’t know. Even now, I can’t decide. At the time, of course, I understood what I was feeling even less than I do now. I can’t get by without dominating and tyrannizing someone, but ... reasoning can’t explain anything, so there’s no point in trying.

I conquered myself, however, and raised my head; I had to do so sooner or later ... and I am convinced to this day that it was just because I was ashamed to look at her that another feeling was suddenly kindled and flamed up in my heart ... a feeling of mastery and possession. My eyes gleamed with passion, and I gripped her hands tightly. How I hated her and how I was drawn to her at that minute! The one feeling intensified the other. It was almost like an act of vengeance. At first there was a look of amazement, even of terror on her face, but only for one instant. She warmly and rapturously embraced me.

But I mastered myself and raised my head. I had to do it sooner or later. To this day, I am convinced that another feeling suddenly flared up in my heart because I was ashamed to look at her. It was a feeling of mastery and possession. My eyes gleamed with passion, and I gripped her hands tightly. How I hated her and how drawn I was to her at that moment! Each feeling made the other stronger. It was almost like an act of revenge. At first, she looked amazed, even terrified, but only for an instant. Then she embraced me warmly and rapturously.