I Want to Be a Pilot in Training

MONTHS afterward the hope within me struggled to a reluctant death, and I found myself without an ambition. But I was ashamed to go home. I was in Cincinnati, and I set to work to map out a new career. I had been reading about the recent exploration of the river Amazon by an expedition sent out by our government. It was said that the expedition, owing to difficulties, had not thoroughly explored a part of the country lying about the head-waters, some four thousand miles from the mouth of the river. It was only about fifteen hundred miles from Cincinnati to New Orleans, where I could doubtless get a ship. I had thirty dollars left; I would go and complete the exploration of the Amazon. This was all the thought I gave to the subject. I never was great in matters of detail. I packed my valise, and took passage on an ancient tub called the 'Paul Jones,' for New Orleans. For the sum of sixteen dollars I had the scarred and tarnished splendors of 'her' main saloon principally to myself, for she was not a creature to attract the eye of wiser travelers.

Months later, the hope inside me finally died a reluctant death, and I found myself without an ambition. But I was ashamed to go home. I was in Cincinnati, and I set about planning a new career. I had been reading about a recent expedition our government had sent to explore the Amazon River. According to the reports, the expedition had run into difficulties. It had not thoroughly explored part of the country around the river’s headwaters, some four thousand miles from its mouth. It was only about fifteen hundred miles from Cincinnati to New Orleans, where I could surely get a ship. I had thirty dollars left. I would go and complete the exploration of the Amazon. That was all the thought I gave the subject. I was never great at details. I packed my suitcase and booked passage to New Orleans on an ancient tub called the 'Paul Jones.' For sixteen dollars, I had the worn and tarnished splendors of 'her' main saloon mostly to myself. She was not the sort of vessel to catch the eye of wiser travelers.

When we presently got under way and went poking down the broad Ohio, I became a new being, and the subject of my own admiration. I was a traveler! A word never had tasted so good in my mouth before. I had an exultant sense of being bound for mysterious lands and distant climes which I never have felt in so uplifting a degree since. I was in such a glorified condition that all ignoble feelings departed out of me, and I was able to look down and pity the untraveled with a compassion that had hardly a trace of contempt in it. Still, when we stopped at villages and wood-yards, I could not help lolling carelessly upon the railings of the boiler deck to enjoy the envy of the country boys on the bank. If they did not seem to discover me, I presently sneezed to attract their attention, or moved to a position where they could not help seeing me. And as soon as I knew they saw me I gaped and stretched, and gave other signs of being mightily bored with traveling.

When we finally set off and made our slow way down the broad Ohio, I became a new person. I admired myself. I was a traveler! No word had ever tasted so good in my mouth. I felt thrilled to be heading for mysterious lands and distant climates. I have never felt that same uplifting thrill so strongly since. I felt so glorious that all my unworthy feelings left me. I could look down on people who had never traveled and pity them with hardly a trace of contempt. Still, when we stopped at villages and wood yards, I could not help lounging casually against the boiler deck railings. I wanted to enjoy the envy of the country boys on the bank. If they did not seem to notice me, I would soon sneeze to get their attention. Or I would move somewhere they could not help seeing me. As soon as I knew they saw me, I would yawn and stretch. I gave other signs of being terribly bored with traveling.

I kept my hat off all the time, and stayed where the wind and the sun could strike me, because I wanted to get the bronzed and weather-beaten look of an old traveler. Before the second day was half gone I experienced a joy which filled me with the purest gratitude; for I saw that the skin had begun to blister and peel off my face and neck. I wished that the boys and girls at home could see me now.

I kept my hat off all the time and stayed where the wind and sun could reach me. I wanted the bronzed, weather-beaten look of an experienced traveler. Before the second day was half over, I felt a joy that filled me with pure gratitude. I saw that the skin on my face and neck had begun to blister and peel. I wished the boys and girls back home could see me now.

We reached Louisville in time—at least the neighborhood of it. We stuck hard and fast on the rocks in the middle of the river, and lay there four days. I was now beginning to feel a strong sense of being a part of the boat's family, a sort of infant son to the captain and younger brother to the officers. There is no estimating the pride I took in this grandeur, or the affection that began to swell and grow in me for those people. I could not know how the lordly steamboatman scorns that sort of presumption in a mere landsman. I particularly longed to acquire the least trifle of notice from the big stormy mate, and I was on the alert for an opportunity to do him a service to that end. It came at last. The riotous powwow of setting a spar was going on down on the forecastle, and I went down there and stood around in the way—or mostly skipping out of it—till the mate suddenly roared a general order for somebody to bring him a capstan bar. I sprang to his side and said: 'Tell me where it is—I'll fetch it!'

We reached Louisville on time, or at least the area around it. We got stuck fast on rocks in the middle of the river and stayed there for four days. I was beginning to feel like part of the boat's family, a sort of infant son to the captain and younger brother to the officers. There is no measuring how proud I was of this grand position. There is no measuring the affection I began to feel for those people, either. I had no way of knowing how much a grand steamboatman scorns such presumption in a mere landsman. I especially longed for the slightest bit of attention from the big, stormy mate. So I watched for a chance to do him a favor. At last, the chance came. A noisy, chaotic effort to set a spar was going on down on the forecastle. I went down and stood around in the way, or mostly skipped out of it. Then the mate suddenly roared for somebody to bring him a capstan bar. I sprang to his side and said: 'Tell me where it is. I'll get it!'

If a rag-picker had offered to do a diplomatic service for the Emperor of Russia, the monarch could not have been more astounded than the mate was. He even stopped swearing. He stood and stared down at me. It took him ten seconds to scrape his disjointed remains together again. Then he said impressively: 'Well, if this don't beat hell!' and turned to his work with the air of a man who had been confronted with a problem too abstruse for solution.

If a rag-picker had offered to serve as a diplomat for the Emperor of Russia, the emperor could not have been more astonished than the mate was. He even stopped swearing. He stood and stared down at me. It took him ten seconds to pull his scattered pieces back together. Then he said solemnly, 'Well, if this doesn't beat hell!' He turned back to his work like a man faced with a problem too complicated to solve.

I crept away, and courted solitude for the rest of the day. I did not go to dinner; I stayed away from supper until everybody else had finished. I did not feel so much like a member of the boat's family now as before. However, my spirits returned, in installments, as we pursued our way down the river. I was sorry I hated the mate so, because it was not in (young) human nature not to admire him. He was huge and muscular, his face was bearded and whiskered all over; he had a red woman and a blue woman tattooed on his right arm,—one on each side of a blue anchor with a red rope to it; and in the matter of profanity he was sublime. When he was getting out cargo at a landing, I was always where I could see and hear. He felt all the majesty of his great position, and made the world feel it, too. When he gave even the simplest order, he discharged it like a blast of lightning, and sent a long, reverberating peal of profanity thundering after it. I could not help contrasting the way in which the average landsman would give an order, with the mate's way of doing it. If the landsman should wish the gang-plank moved a foot farther forward, he would probably say: 'James, or William, one of you push that plank forward, please;' but put the mate in his place and he would roar out: 'Here, now, start that gang-plank for'ard! Lively, now! what're you about! Snatch it! SNATCH it! There! there! Aft again! aft again! don't you hear me. Dash it to dash! are you going to sleep over it! 'Vast heaving. 'Vast heaving, I tell you! Going to heave it clear astern? Where're you going with that barrel! For'ard with it 'fore I make you swallow it, you dash-dash-dash-dashed split between a tired mud-turtle and a crippled hearse-horse!'

I crept away and spent the rest of the day alone. I skipped dinner and stayed away from supper until everyone else had finished. I no longer felt as much like a member of the boat's family as I had before. However, my spirits gradually returned as we continued down the river. I was sorry I hated the mate so much, because it was not in (young) human nature to resist admiring him. He was huge and muscular, with a face covered in beard and whiskers. On his right arm, he had tattoos of a red woman and a blue woman. They stood on either side of a blue anchor with a red rope. And when it came to swearing, he was sublime. Whenever he unloaded cargo at a landing, I made sure I could see and hear him. He felt all the majesty of his great position, and made the world feel it too. Even the simplest order came out like a blast of lightning. He followed it with a long, rumbling peal of thunderous swearing. I could not help comparing the mate's way of giving orders with the average landsman's. If a landsman wanted the gangplank moved a foot farther forward, he would probably say: 'James, or William, one of you push that plank forward, please;' but put the mate in his place and he would roar: 'Here, now, move that gangplank forward! Lively, now! what're you doing! Grab it! GRAB it! There! there! Back again! back again! don't you hear me. Dash it to dash! are you going to sleep over it! Stop pulling. Stop pulling, I tell you! Going to haul it clear off the back? Where're you going with that barrel! Forward with it before I make you swallow it, you dash-dash-dash-dashed cross between a tired mud-turtle and a crippled hearse-horse!'

I wished I could talk like that.

I wished I could talk like that.

When the soreness of my adventure with the mate had somewhat worn off, I began timidly to make up to the humblest official connected with the boat—the night watchman. He snubbed my advances at first, but I presently ventured to offer him a new chalk pipe; and that softened him. So he allowed me to sit with him by the big bell on the hurricane deck, and in time he melted into conversation. He could not well have helped it, I hung with such homage on his words and so plainly showed that I felt honored by his notice. He told me the names of dim capes and shadowy islands as we glided by them in the solemnity of the night, under the winking stars, and by and by got to talking about himself. He seemed over-sentimental for a man whose salary was six dollars a week—or rather he might have seemed so to an older person than I. But I drank in his words hungrily, and with a faith that might have moved mountains if it had been applied judiciously. What was it to me that he was soiled and seedy and fragrant with gin? What was it to me that his grammar was bad, his construction worse, and his profanity so void of art that it was an element of weakness rather than strength in his conversation? He was a wronged man, a man who had seen trouble, and that was enough for me. As he mellowed into his plaintive history his tears dripped upon the lantern in his lap, and I cried, too, from sympathy.

When the hurt from my encounter with the mate had eased somewhat, I timidly tried to befriend the boat’s lowest-ranking official, the night watchman. At first he brushed me off. But soon I dared to offer him a new chalk pipe, and that softened him. He let me sit with him by the big bell on the hurricane deck, and eventually he began to talk. He could hardly have helped it. I hung on his every word and plainly showed how honored I felt by his attention. As we glided through the solemn night beneath the twinkling stars, he named the dim capes and shadowy islands we passed. After a while, he began talking about himself. He seemed overly sentimental for a man earning six dollars a week. Or rather, he might have seemed so to someone older than I was. But I eagerly drank in his words. My faith might have moved mountains if I had applied it wisely. What did I care that he was dirty, shabby, and smelled of gin? What did I care that his grammar was bad and his sentence construction even worse? His swearing was so artless that it weakened his conversation rather than strengthened it. He was a man who had been wronged and had seen trouble. That was enough for me. As he warmed to his sad story, his tears dripped onto the lantern in his lap. I cried, too, out of sympathy.

He said he was the son of an English nobleman—either an earl or an alderman, he could not remember which, but believed was both; his father, the nobleman, loved him, but his mother hated him from the cradle; and so while he was still a little boy he was sent to 'one of them old, ancient colleges'—he couldn't remember which; and by and by his father died and his mother seized the property and 'shook' him as he phrased it. After his mother shook him, members of the nobility with whom he was acquainted used their influence to get him the position of 'loblolly-boy in a ship;' and from that point my watchman threw off all trammels of date and locality and branched out into a narrative that bristled all along with incredible adventures; a narrative that was so reeking with bloodshed and so crammed with hair-breadth escapes and the most engaging and unconscious personal villainies, that I sat speechless, enjoying, shuddering, wondering, worshipping.

He said he was the son of an English nobleman, either an earl or an alderman. He couldn't remember which, but he believed his father was both. His father loved him, but his mother had hated him from the cradle. So, while he was still a little boy, he was sent to 'one of them old, ancient colleges.' He couldn't remember which college. Eventually his father died, and his mother seized the property and 'shook' him, as he put it. After his mother shook him, noblemen he knew used their influence to get him a position as 'loblolly-boy in a ship.' From that point, my watchman cast aside all limits of time and place. He launched into a story full of incredible adventures, soaked in bloodshed and packed with narrow escapes. It was also full of the most engaging acts of villainy, which he described without any apparent awareness of his own wickedness. I sat speechless, enjoying, shuddering, wondering, worshipping.

It was a sore blight to find out afterwards that he was a low, vulgar, ignorant, sentimental, half-witted humbug, an untraveled native of the wilds of Illinois, who had absorbed wildcat literature and appropriated its marvels, until in time he had woven odds and ends of the mess into this yarn, and then gone on telling it to fledglings like me, until he had come to believe it himself.

It was a bitter disappointment to learn later that he was a crude, vulgar, ignorant, sentimental, half-witted fraud. He was a native of the Illinois wilderness who had never traveled. He had soaked up wildcat literature and passed off its wonders as his own. In time, he had pieced together this story from scraps of that mess. Then he kept telling it to newcomers like me until he came to believe it himself.