Grace for the Greatest Sinner, or a Brief Account of God's Great Mercy in Christ to His Poor Servant, John Bunyan

In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it will not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give you a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified before the sons of men.

As I tell how God worked mercifully in my soul, I should first briefly describe my family background and upbringing. In this way, God’s goodness and generosity toward me may be more fully praised and celebrated before others.

2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and inconsiderable generation; my father’s house being of that rank that is meanest, and most despised of all the families in the land. Wherefore, I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of any high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door He brought me into the world, to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.

2. As many people know, I came from a lowly and insignificant family. My father’s family belonged to the lowest and most despised rank of all the families in the land. So, unlike others, I cannot boast of noble blood or high birth. Yet, all things considered, I praise the heavenly Majesty for bringing me into the world through such a family. In this way, he brought me into the world to share in the grace and life found in Christ through the gospel.

3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me to school, to learn both to read and write; the which I also attained, according to the rate of other poor men’s children: though, to my shame, I confess, I did soon lose that I had learned, even almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work His gracious work of conversion upon my soul.

3. But despite my parents’ humble and insignificant standing, God was pleased to move them to send me to school. There I learned to read and write, as well as other poor men’s children did. Yet, to my shame, I confess that I soon lost almost everything I had learned. This happened long before the Lord did his gracious work of conversion in my soul.

4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in the world, it was, indeed, according to the course of this world and the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience. Eph. ii. 2, 3. It was my delight to be ‘taken captive by the devil at his will,’ 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled with all unrighteousness; the which did also so strongly work, and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had but few equals (especially considering my years, which were tender, being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God.

4. As for my own life, during the time I was without God in the world, I lived according to the ways of this world and the spirit now at work in those who disobey. Eph. ii. 2, 3. I delighted in being ‘taken captive by the devil whenever he wanted,’ 2 Tim. ii. 26. I was filled with all unrighteousness. From childhood, unrighteousness worked so strongly in my heart and showed itself so strongly in my life that few could equal me. This was especially true considering how young I was. Few could equal me in cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God.

5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with soberness considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with fearful visions. For often, after I have spent this and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid.

5. Indeed, these things were so deeply rooted in me that they became second nature. Since then, I have reflected soberly on how much they offended the Lord. Even in my childhood, he frightened me with terrible dreams and visions. Often, after I had spent one day or another in sin, I was deeply troubled in my sleep by fears of devils and wicked spirits. I thought they were always trying to draw me away with them, and I could never be rid of them.

6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; still fearing, that it would be my lot to be found at last among those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness, unto the judgment of the great day.

6. At this age, I was also deeply troubled by thoughts of the terrible torments of hellfire. I constantly feared that I would finally be among the devils and hellish fiends there. They are bound in chains of darkness until the judgment of the great day.

7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten years old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my sins: yea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I should often wish, either that there had been no hell, or that I had been a devil; supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needs be, that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented myself.

7. These things distressed my soul when I was only nine or ten years old. Even while I played my many games and enjoyed childish pleasures with my frivolous companions, I was often deeply troubled and cast down. Yet I could not give up my sins. I was also so overcome with despair of attaining life and heaven that I often wished there were no hell, or that I were a devil. I believed devils only tormented others. So, if I had to go to hell, I would rather torment others than be tormented myself.

8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, as if they had never been: wherefore with more greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still let loose the reins of my lust, and delighted in all transgressions against the law of God: so that until I came to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth that kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.

8. After a while, those terrible dreams left me, and I soon forgot them. My pleasures quickly erased all memory of them, as if they had never happened. So I gave even freer rein to my desires, with all the strength of my nature. I delighted in all offenses against the law of God. Until I married, I was the very ringleader of all the young people I kept company with in every kind of vice and ungodliness.

9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those laws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the world.

9. The desires and works of the flesh had such power over my poor soul that only a miracle of precious grace saved me. Without it, I would not only have perished under the blow of eternal justice. I would also have exposed myself to the blow of laws that bring some people to disgrace and public shame before the world.

10. In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that when I have seen some read in those books that concerned Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then I said unto God, Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge of Thy ways. Job xxi. 14, 15. I was now void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts. O Lord, Thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from Thee!

10. In those days, thoughts of religion were very distressing to me. I could not bear religion myself, nor could I bear to see anyone else practice it. So when I saw some people reading books about Christian piety, I felt as if I were in prison. Then I said to God, Leave me, for I do not desire to know your ways. Job xxi. 14, 15. I had no good thoughts at all. Heaven and hell were both out of sight and out of mind. Being saved or condemned was the last thing on my mind. O Lord, you know my life, and my ways were not hidden from you!

11. But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, when I was in the height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear, that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.

11. But I remember this well. Though I could sin with great pleasure and ease, and enjoy the wickedness of my companions, I still trembled whenever I saw people who claimed to be good doing wicked things. One occasion stands out above all others. Even when I was at the height of my frivolity, I heard a man who was considered religious swear. It struck me so deeply that my heart ached.

12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but, mercy yet preserved me alive: besides, another time, being in a field, with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers; by which act had not God been merciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, have brought myself to my end.

12. But God did not abandon me completely. He continued to follow me, not with convictions of sin now, but with judgments mixed with mercy. Once I fell into a sea creek and barely escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into the Bedford river, but mercy still kept me alive. On another occasion, I was in a field with a companion when an adder crossed the road. I had a stick in my hand, so I struck her across the back. After stunning her, I forced her mouth open with the stick and pulled out her sting with my fingers. If God had not been merciful to me, I might have brought about my own death through my recklessness.

13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When I was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in my room: to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot in the head with a musket-bullet and died.

13. I also remember this with thanksgiving. When I was a soldier, I and others were ordered to go and besiege a place. But just as I was ready to go, another soldier asked to go in my place. I agreed, and he took my place. At the siege, he was standing guard when a musket ball struck him in the head and killed him.

14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own salvation.

14. Here, as I said, there were judgments and mercy. But neither awakened my soul to live righteously. So I kept sinning and grew more and more rebellious against God and careless about my own salvation.

15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly: This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt us both), yet this she had for her part: The Plain Man’s Pathway to Heaven and The Practice of Piety; which her father had left her when he died. In these two books I would sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). She also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his days, both in word and deed.

15. Soon after this, I married. I was blessed to find a wife whose father was considered a godly man. When we married, we were as poor as could be. Between us, we did not even have a dish or a spoon. But my wife brought two books: The Plain Man’s Pathway to Heaven and The Practice of Piety. Her father had left them to her when he died. I sometimes read these books with her and found some things in them that pleased me. But all this time, I felt no conviction of sin. She also often told me what a godly man her father was. She told me how he rebuked and corrected vice, both in his home and among his neighbors. She told me what a strict and holy life he had led, in both word and deed.

16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did not reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget within me some desires to religion: so that because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as others did, yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all things (both the high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to the church; counting all things holy that were therein contained, and especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.

16. These books and this account did not touch my heart or awaken me to my sad and sinful condition. Even so, they gave me some desire for religion. Because I knew no better, I eagerly embraced the religion of the day. I went to church twice a day, and I was among the first to arrive. There I prayed and sang very devoutly, as others did, while still living a wicked life. But I was also so overcome by superstition that I adored everything connected with the church. I was greatly devoted to the altar, the priest, the clerk, the vestments, the service, and everything else. I considered everything in the church holy. I thought the priest and clerk especially fortunate and, without doubt, greatly blessed. For I then believed they were God’s servants and held leading positions in the holy temple, doing his work there.

17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched in his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me.

17. Before long, this idea took such a strong hold on me that I would feel humbled whenever I saw a priest. I would revere him and feel drawn to him, however sordid and immoral his life might be. Indeed, I thought I loved priests so much, believing them to be God's ministers, that I could have lain at their feet and let them trample on me. Their name, their clothing, and their work so intoxicated and bewitched me.

18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the Israelites or no? For finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how I should: at last I asked my father of it; who told me, No, we were not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of that, and so remained.

18. After I had been like this for quite some time, another thought came to me. Were we Israelites? I had found in scripture that the Israelites had once been God’s own people. I thought that if I belonged to their race, my soul would surely be happy. Once again, I greatly longed for an answer, but I did not know how to find one. At last I asked my father, and he told me, No, we were not. So my hope of being an Israelite fell, and it stayed that way.

19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I never thought of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. Thus man, while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way to the city of God. Eccles. x. 15.

19. But all this time, I did not realize the danger and evil of sin. I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, whatever religion I followed, unless I was found in Christ. In fact, I never thought of him, or even whether there was such a person. So a person, while blind, wanders, but tires himself out with what is worthless, because he does not know the way to the city of God. Eccles. x. 15.

20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking that, either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, I was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith): wherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing. And at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit.

20. But one day, our parson preached about the Sabbath and the evil of breaking it through work, sports, or other activities. (Despite my religion, I took great pleasure in all kinds of vice, especially on the Sabbath, when I indulged myself.) So his sermon struck my conscience. I thought and believed that he had preached it specifically to show me my wrongdoing. At that moment, I felt guilt for the first time I could remember. I was greatly weighed down by guilt, and when the sermon ended, I went home with a heavy burden on my spirit.

21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! how glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming, I returned with great delight.

21. For a moment, this took the joy out of my favorite delights and made my former pleasures bitter to me. But wait, the feeling did not last. Before I had finished dinner, the trouble began to leave my mind, and my heart returned to its old ways. Oh, how glad I was that the trouble was gone and the fire put out, so that I could sin again without restraint! So, when I had eaten my fill, I shook the sermon from my mind. I returned to my old habit of sports and games with great delight.

22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly practices.

22. But that same day, I was in the middle of a game of Cat. I had struck the cat once from the hole and was just about to strike it a second time. Suddenly, a voice darted from heaven into my soul and said, Will you leave your sins and go to heaven, or keep your sins and go to hell? This left me utterly bewildered. So I left the cat on the ground and looked up to heaven. It was as if I saw, with the eyes of my understanding, the Lord Jesus looking down at me. He seemed very angry with me, as if he were sternly threatening me with some terrible punishment for these and other ungodly practices.

23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set my sins again before my face), That I had been a great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, and fearing lest it should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few.

23. No sooner had I had this thought than a conclusion suddenly took hold of my spirit. The earlier suggestion had brought my sins before me again. I had been a great and grievous sinner, and it was now too late for me to seek heaven. Christ would not forgive me or pardon my sins. Then I began to dwell on this conclusion, fearing it might be true. As I thought about it, I felt my heart sink into despair. I concluded that it was too late, so I resolved to go on sinning. For I thought, if that is how things stand, my condition is surely miserable. I am miserable if I give up my sins, and no more than miserable if I continue in them. The worst that can happen is that I will be damned. If I must be damned, I might as well be damned for many sins as for a few.

24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must not think; wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I feared greatly. In these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither do I feign this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my desires: The good Lord, Whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions!

24. So I stood there in the middle of my game, in front of everyone present, but I told them nothing. Having reached this conclusion, I returned desperately to my game. I remember well how quickly despair took hold of my soul. I became convinced that I could never find any comfort except in sin. Heaven was already lost to me, so I must not think about it. Therefore, I felt a great desire to have my fill of sin. I kept thinking about what sins I had not yet committed, so that I might taste their sweetness. I hurried as much as I could to fill my belly with their delicacies. I greatly feared that I might die before satisfying my desire. I declare before God that I am not lying about these things. Nor am I exaggerating when I speak this way. These were truly and strongly the desires of my whole heart. May the good Lord, whose mercy is beyond understanding, forgive my sins!

25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair, that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them; for they have loved sins, therefore after them they will go. Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12.

25. I am very confident that this temptation of the devil is more common among poor souls than many realize. It overwhelms their spirits with a wretched and hardened state of heart and a numb conscience. The devil quietly and slyly fills that state with despair. So, although they feel little guilt, they continually reach a secret conclusion that there is no hope for them. For they have loved sins, therefore they will pursue them. Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12.

26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I would. This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour’s shop window, and there cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sate within, the woman of the house, and heard me; who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing, that she ever heard in all her life; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth in the whole town, if they come but in my company.

26. So I continued to sin with great eagerness, still resenting that I could not enjoy it as much as I wanted. This went on for about a month or more. But one day I was standing at a neighbor’s shop window, cursing, swearing, and acting like a madman, as I usually did. The woman of the house was sitting inside and heard me. Though she was a very immoral and ungodly wretch herself, she declared that my cursing and swearing were so terrible that they made her tremble. She went on to tell me that I was the most ungodly swearer she had ever heard in her life and that, by acting this way, I could corrupt all the young people in the whole town if they so much as spent time with me.

27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; and that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a reformation; for I thought it could never be.

27. This rebuke left me speechless and secretly ashamed, as I thought, before the God of heaven. So I stood there with my head bowed. I wished with all my heart that I could be a little child again. Then my father could teach me to speak without this wicked habit of swearing. For I thought I was so accustomed to swearing that it was useless to think of changing. I thought I could never change.

28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have authority; now I could, without it, speak better, and with more pleasantness than ever I could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays.

28. But I do not know how it happened. From that time on, I stopped swearing, and I was greatly amazed to see this change in myself. Before, I did not know how to speak without putting an oath before and another after my words to give them authority. Now I could speak better without swearing, and more pleasantly than ever before. All this time, I did not know Jesus Christ, nor did I give up my sports and games.

29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man that made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore falling into some love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical part thereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and such like scriptures, I could not away with them, being as yet ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me.

29. But soon afterward, I met a poor man who professed to be religious. At the time, I thought he spoke pleasantly about the scriptures and matters of religion. I came to like what he said, so I turned to my Bible and began to take great pleasure in reading it. I especially enjoyed the historical parts. But I could not bear Paul’s Epistles and similar scriptures. I was still unaware of the corruption of my nature, or of my need for Jesus Christ and his worth in saving me.

30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then I should repent, and say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again; for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England.

30. So I began to reform my outward behavior, both in my speech and in my life. I set the commandments before me as my path to heaven and tried to keep them. Sometimes I thought I kept them quite well, and then I felt comforted. Yet now and then I would break one, and my conscience would trouble me. But then I would repent, say I was sorry, and promise God to do better next time. In this way I found comfort again, for I then thought I pleased God as well as any man in England.

31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen since, had I then died, my state had been most fearful.

31. I continued like this for about a year. All that time, our neighbors considered me a very godly man, a changed and religious man. They were amazed to see such a great and remarkable change in my life and behavior. And there really was such a change, though I still knew nothing of Christ, grace, faith, or hope. For, as I have since come to see clearly, if I had died then, my condition would have been most fearful.

32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a sober man. Now therefore they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind my back. Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I was become a right honest man. But oh! when I understood these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me mighty well. For, though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and thus I continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.

32. But, as I say, my neighbors were amazed at my great conversion from outrageous profanity to something like a moral life. And they had good reason to be amazed. My conversion was as great as if Tom of Bethlehem had become a sober man. So they began to praise me and speak well of me, both to my face and behind my back. They said I had become godly and a truly honest man. But oh, when I learned what they were saying and thinking about me, I was very pleased. Though I was still nothing but a poor hypocrite putting on a show, I loved being spoken of as truly godly. I was proud of my godliness. Indeed, I did everything either to be seen by others or to make them speak well of me. And I went on like this for about a year or more.

33. Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight in ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it; yet my mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-house, and look on, though I durst not ring: but I thought this did not become religion neither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, but quickly after, I began to think, how if one of the bells should fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking here I might stand sure; but then I should think again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then, rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me stand in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.

33. You must know that, before this, I had taken great delight in ringing bells. But as my conscience became more sensitive, I thought the practice was pointless, so I forced myself to give it up. Yet I still longed to ring. So I would go to the church and watch, though I dared not ring. But I thought that watching did not suit a religious life either. Still, I forced myself to keep watching. Soon afterward, though, I began to wonder, what if one of the bells fell? So I chose to stand under a main beam that stretched across the steeple from side to side. I thought I would be safe there. But then I thought that if the bell fell while swinging, it might hit the wall first. It might then bounce off the wall and kill me, despite the beam. So I stood in the steeple doorway. Now, I thought, I am safe enough. If the bell falls, I can slip out behind these thick walls and be spared.

34. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my head, how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought (it may for aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door any longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.

34. After this, I still went to watch them ring the bells, but I went no farther than the steeple door. Then I wondered what would happen if the steeple itself fell. As far as I know, that thought may have continually shaken me as I stood watching. I no longer dared stand at the steeple door. I was forced to flee, for fear that the steeple would fall on my head.

35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I could quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in England could please God better than I.

35. Another thing was my dancing. It took me a full year to give it up completely. But all this time, whenever I thought I was keeping a commandment, I felt great peace in my conscience. I felt the same whenever I said or did anything I thought was good. I would think to myself, God cannot help but be pleased with me now. Indeed, to put it in my own way, I thought no one in England could please God better than I could.

36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my state by nature.

36. But what a poor wretch I was! All this time I knew nothing of Jesus Christ and was trying to establish my own righteousness. I would have perished in doing so if God had not mercifully shown me more of my natural condition.

37. But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to Bedford, to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a door, in the sun, talking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk talker also myself, in the matters of religion; but I may say, I heard but understood not; for they were far above, out of my reach. Their talk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they talked how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported, against the temptations of the devil: moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they were borne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to do them any good.

37. One day, God in his good providence called me to Bedford to work at my trade. On one street, I came upon three or four poor women sitting in the sun by a door. They were talking about the things of God. I was now willing to listen, so I drew near to hear what they said. I was a lively talker on religious matters myself by then. But I can say, I heard but did not understand. What they said was far beyond my grasp. They talked about the new birth and God’s work in their hearts. They spoke of how they had been made aware of their miserable condition by nature. They talked of how God had touched their souls with his love in the Lord Jesus. They spoke of the words and promises that had refreshed, comforted, and sustained them against the devil’s temptations. They also discussed specific suggestions and temptations of Satan. They told one another which ones had troubled them and how they had been sustained under his attacks. They spoke of the wickedness of their own hearts and of their unbelief. They despised, dismissed, and hated their own righteousness as filthy and unable to do them any good.

38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they had found a new world; as if they were people that dwelt alone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours. Numb. xxiii. 9.

38. And it seemed to me that joy made them speak. They used the language of scripture so pleasantly, and everything they said seemed so full of grace, that it was as if they had found a new world. They seemed like people who lived apart and were not counted among their neighbors. Numb. xxiii. 9.

39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of them; neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.

39. At this, I felt my heart begin to tremble, and I feared that my spiritual condition was worthless. For I saw that, in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the new birth had never entered my mind. Nor did I know the comfort of God’s word and promise, or the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. I paid no attention to my secret thoughts. Nor did I understand what Satan’s temptations were or how to stand against and resist them, and so on.

40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I left them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was such a one.

40. After hearing and considering what they said, I left them and returned to my work. But their conversation stayed with me, and my heart lingered with them. Their words deeply affected me because they convinced me that I lacked the true signs of a godly man. They also convinced me how happy and blessed such a man was.

41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and again into the company of these poor people; for I could not stay away; and the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition; and as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel (especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was). The one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and on all other good things, which at any time I heard or read of.

41. So I often made a point of seeking out the company of these poor people, because I could not stay away. The more I spent time with them, the more I questioned my spiritual condition. As I still remember, I soon found two things within me that sometimes amazed me. This was especially so when I considered what a blind, ignorant, sordid, and ungodly wretch I had been just before. The first was a great softness and tenderness of heart, which led me to accept the truth of what they said from Scripture. The second was a strong tendency to keep thinking about what they said, and about all other good things I heard or read at any time.

42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like an horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, Give, Prov. xxx. 15; yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it often since, to get again from earth to heaven.

42. Because of these things, my mind was now like a leech at a vein, still crying, Give, Give (Prov. 30:15). It was fixed on eternity and the things of the kingdom of heaven, as far as I knew them. God knows, though, that I still knew very little. Neither pleasures, profits, persuasions, nor threats could turn my mind from them or make it let go. I may say it with shame, but it is indeed certainly true: it would then have been as difficult to turn my mind from heaven to earth as I have often found it since to turn it again from earth to heaven.

43. One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he being a most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I now shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did: he, after his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well. But, Harry, said I, why do you curse and swear thus? What will become of you, if you die in this condition? He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devil do for company, if it were not for such as I am?

43. There is one thing I must not leave out. There was a young man in our town to whom I had been closer than anyone else. But he was a very wicked man, given to cursing, swearing, and visiting prostitutes. So I now broke off our friendship and stopped spending time with him. About three months later, I met him in a lane and asked how he was. In his usual wild manner, he swore and said he was well. But I said, Harry, why do you curse and swear like this? What will become of you if you die in this condition? He answered angrily, Who would keep the devil company if it were not for people like me?

44. About this time I met with some Ranters’ books, that were put forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by several old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to make any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner. O Lord, I am a fool, and not able to know the truth from error: Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to approve of or condemn this doctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if it be of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul in this matter only at Thy foot, let me not be deceived, I humbly beseech Thee. I had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before; but about this time, he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and could never light on the right till now. He told me also, that in a little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a familiar.

44. Around this time, I came across some books by Ranters from our own country. Several longtime believers also held these books in high regard. I read some of the books, but I could not judge them. So, as I read and thought about them, I turned to earnest prayer: O Lord, I am a fool, and I cannot tell truth from error. Lord, do not leave me to my own blindness, either to approve or condemn this teaching. If it is from God, do not let me despise it. If it is from the devil, do not let me embrace it. Lord, in this matter I lay my soul at your feet alone. Do not let me be deceived, I humbly beg you. All this time, I had one close religious companion, the poor man I spoke of before. But around this time, he too became a most devilish Ranter. He gave himself over to every kind of filthiness, especially sexual impurity. He also denied that there was a God, angel, or spirit. He laughed at every appeal to live soberly. When I tried to rebuke his wickedness, he laughed all the more. He claimed that he had tried every religion and had never found the right one until now. He also told me that before long I would see all believers turn to the ways of the Ranters. Since I hated those cursed principles, I left his company at once. I became as much a stranger to him as I had once been a close friend.

45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling lying in the country, I happened to light into several people’s company, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they only had attained to perfection, that could do what they would and not sin. Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I hoped, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of His name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles. And blessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom; for I have since seen even the effects of that prayer, in His preserving me, not only from Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since. The Bible was precious to me in those days.

45. This man was not the only temptation I faced. My work took me into the countryside, where I met several people who had once been strict in their religion. Yet the Ranters had swept them away too. They talked to me about their ways and condemned me as legalistic and ignorant. They claimed that they alone had attained perfection and could do whatever they wanted without sinning. Oh, these temptations appealed to my flesh, for I was a young man in the prime of life. But God, who I hoped had intended me for better things, kept me in fear of his name. He did not allow me to accept such cursed principles. Blessed be God, who put it in my heart to cry out to him for protection and guidance. I continued to distrust my own wisdom. Since then, I have seen the effects of that prayer. God has protected me not only from the errors of the Ranters, but also from those that have arisen since. The Bible was precious to me in those days.

46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; still crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.

46. Now I felt I was beginning to look at the Bible with new eyes. I read it as I never had before. The letters of the apostle St Paul were especially sweet and pleasant to me. Indeed, I was never away from the Bible, whether reading it or meditating on it. I kept crying out to God to show me the truth and the way to heaven and glory.

47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, To one is given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the word knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith, etc. 1 Cor. xii. And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture the Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. On this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this word ‘Faith’ put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath to conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall count myself a very cast-away indeed.

47. As I continued reading, I came upon this passage: To one is given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith, and so on. 1 Cor. 12. Since then, I have come to see that the Holy Ghost meant these words to refer especially to extraordinary gifts. Yet at the time, they impressed on me that I lacked ordinary gifts, even the understanding and wisdom other Christians had. I thought deeply about this passage and did not know what to do. The word ‘Faith’ troubled me especially. I could not help sometimes questioning whether I had any faith at all. But I was reluctant to conclude that I had no faith. For if I did, I thought, then I would consider myself truly cast away.

48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other people have; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is; for it was shewn me, and that too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.

48. No, I said to myself, I am convinced that I am an ignorant fool. I lack the blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other people have. Yet, though I do not know what faith is, I will venture to conclude that I am not entirely without faith. For I had been shown that those who believe they are without faith have no rest or peace in their souls. As I have since realized, it was Satan who showed me this. And I was unwilling to fall completely into despair.

49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid to see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my sad and blind conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, insomuch that I could not rest content, until I did now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no, this always running in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But how can you tell you have faith? And besides, I saw for certain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for ever.

49. So, for a while, this suggestion made me afraid to discover that I lacked faith. But God would not let me undo and destroy my soul in this way. Instead, he kept raising questions within me against my sad and blind conclusion. I could not rest until I knew for certain whether I had faith. These questions kept running through my mind: But what if you really lack faith? How can you tell you have faith? Besides, I knew for certain that if I had no faith, I would surely perish forever.

50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no. But alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not to this day no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or considered.

50. At first I tried to overlook the question of faith. But soon, after thinking more carefully about it, I was willing to test whether I had faith. But alas, poor wretch that I was! I was so ignorant and foolish that, even now, I know no more about how to test my faith than I know how to begin and complete a rare and intricate work of art I have never seen or studied.

51. Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my plunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the tempter came in with this delusion, That there was no way for me to know I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging those scriptures that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation. Nay, one day, as I was between Elstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at this time was this, I must say to the puddles that were in the horsepads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be you puddles: and truly one time I was going to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind; But go under yonder hedge and pray first, that God would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, this came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had no faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if it be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.

51. So I was thinking about this and was at a loss. You must understand that I had not yet spoken to anyone about it. I had only listened and thought about it. Then the tempter came to me with this deception: That the only way I could know I had faith was to try to work a miracle. He used scriptures that seemed to support this idea to press and strengthen the temptation. Indeed, one day, as I was between Elstow and Bedford, the temptation pressed hard on me. I felt urged to test my faith by working a miracle. The miracle I was to attempt was this: I must say to the puddles in the horse tracks, Be dry, and to the dry places, Become puddles. Once I really was about to say these words. But just as I was about to speak, this thought came to me: But first go under that hedge and pray that God would make you able. When I had decided to pray, another thought pressed hard on me. If I prayed, then came back and tried to work the miracle and still did nothing, I would be sure I had no faith. I would know I was a castaway and lost. No, I thought, if that is so, I will not try yet. I will wait a little longer.

52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.

52. So I remained deeply confused. I thought that only they had faith that could do such wonderful things. If that was true, I concluded that I had no faith now and was unlikely ever to have it. So I was tossed between the devil and my own ignorance. At times I was so troubled that I did not know what to do.

53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision, presented to me, I saw as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds: methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.

53. About this time, the condition and happiness of these poor people at Bedford were presented to me in a kind of vision. I saw them as if they were on the sunny side of a high mountain. There they refreshed themselves in the pleasant rays of the sun. Meanwhile, I was shivering and shrinking in the cold, suffering from frost, snow, and dark clouds. I also thought I saw a wall between us, surrounding the mountain. My soul greatly desired to pass through this wall. I concluded that if I could, I would go right among them and comfort myself in the warmth of their sun.

54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might enter therein: but none could I find for some time: at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-way in the wall, through which I attempted to pass: Now the passage being very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.

54. I decided to go around the wall again and again, searching as I went. I hoped to find a way or passage through it, but for some time I found none. At last, I saw what seemed to be a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall. I tried to pass through it, but the passage was very narrow. I made many attempts to get in, but all were in vain. I struggled until I was almost completely exhausted. At last, after great effort, I thought I managed to get my head in. Then, by struggling sideways, I got my shoulders and my whole body through. I was overjoyed. I went and sat down among them, comforted by the light and warmth of their sun.

55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: The mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separation between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father. John xiv. 6; Matt. vii. 14. But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin.

55. This is what the mountain and the wall meant to me. The mountain represented the church of the living God. The sun shining on it represented the comforting light of his merciful face upon those in the church. I thought the wall was the word of God, which separated Christians from the world. I thought the gap in the wall was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father. John xiv. 6; Matt. vii. 14. But the passage was remarkably narrow, so narrow that I could enter only with great difficulty. This showed me that only those who were truly earnest could enter into life. They also had to leave that wicked world behind them. For there was room only for body and soul, not for body, soul, and sin.

56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I was: whether at home or abroad; in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I knew not where I was.

56. This image stayed with me for many days. All that time, I saw myself as lonely and miserable. Yet I felt a fierce hunger and desire to be among those sitting in the sunshine. I also began to pray wherever I was, at home or away, in the house or in the fields. Often, lifting up my heart, I would sing these words from the fifty-first Psalm: O Lord, consider my distress. For I still did not know where I stood.

57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness; especially with such as these, whether I was elected? But how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?

57. I still could not feel confident that I had faith in Christ. Instead of finding peace about this, I began to have fresh doubts about my future happiness. In particular, I wondered: Was I among the elect? And what if the day of grace had already passed?

58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my desires; It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy. Rom. ix. 16.

58. These two temptations caused me great distress and unrest, sometimes one and sometimes the other. First, I will speak of my doubts about my election. At this time, I was burning with desire to find the way to heaven and glory. Nothing could turn me away from seeking it. Yet the question of my election troubled and discouraged me so much that, at times, I felt as if its power had drained the strength from my body. This scripture also seemed to trample on all my desires: It does not depend on the one who wills, or the one who runs, but on God who shows mercy. Rom. ix. 16.

59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I evidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire, and long, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it. Therefore this would stick with me, How can you tell that you are elected? And what if you should not? How then?

59. I did not know what to make of this scripture. I saw clearly that God, in his infinite grace and generosity, had to have chosen me freely as a vessel of mercy. Otherwise, no good could come of my desires, longing, and efforts, even if I kept at them until my heart broke. So these questions stayed with me: How can you tell that you are chosen? What if you are not? What then?

60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may be you are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I. Why then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther; for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your being saved; For it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy.

60. O Lord, I thought, what if I am not? The Tempter said, Perhaps you are not. Perhaps that is true, I thought. Then Satan said, You might as well give up and stop striving. For if you have not been elected and chosen by God, there is no possibility of your being saved. For salvation does not depend on the one who wills, or the one who runs, but on God, who shows mercy.

61. By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, not knowing what to say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect only attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily close withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question.

61. These things drove me to my wits’ end. I did not know what to say or how to answer these temptations. (Indeed, I hardly thought Satan was attacking me. Instead, I thought it was my own good judgment that raised the question.) For I wholeheartedly accepted, without hesitation, that only the elect attain eternal life. But the question was whether I was one of them.

62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, Look at the generations of old, and see; did ever any trust in God, and were confounded?

62. For several days, I was deeply troubled and confused. Often, while walking, I felt so faint in spirit that I was ready to collapse where I stood. After many weeks of this oppression and despair, I was about to give up all hope of ever attaining life. But one day, these words struck my heart with great force: Look at the generations of old, and see. Did anyone ever trust in God and come to shame?

63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul; for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, and see if you can find, that there were ever any that trusted in the Lord, and were confounded. So coming home, I presently went to my Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me.

63. This greatly relieved and encouraged my soul. At that very moment, the saying was explained to me in this way: Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, and see if you can find, that anyone who trusted in the Lord, was ever put to shame. So when I came home, I immediately turned to my Bible to look for the saying. I had no doubt that I would find it at once. For the saying was so fresh in my mind, and brought such strength and comfort to my spirit, that it was as if it spoke to me.

64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me: Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could find it (for I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture).

64. Well, I looked, but I could not find it. Still, the words stayed with me. I asked this good man, and then another, if they knew where the words were. But neither of them knew of any such passage. I wondered how the words could come so suddenly to my heart with such comfort and strength, and remain there. Yet no one could find them, though I had no doubt they were in holy scripture.

65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at last, casting my eye upon the Apocrypha books, I found it in Ecclesiasticus, Eccles. ii. 10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still at times shine before my face.

65. For more than a year, I continued searching but could not find the passage. At last, I looked through the Apocrypha books and found it in Ecclesiasticus, Eccles. ii. 10. At first, this discovery troubled me somewhat. But by then I had experienced more of God's love and kindness, so it troubled me less. I also considered that, although the passage was not in the texts we call holy and canonical, it summed up the substance of many promises. So it was my duty to take comfort from it. I bless God for that word, for it was from God to me. Even now, that word still shines before me at times.

66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if you have overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, as I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, But how if the day of grace is past? And to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.

66. After this, another doubt came over me strongly: But what if the day of grace has passed? What if you have missed the time of mercy? I remember walking in the country one day, thinking a great deal about this: But what if the day of grace has passed? To make my trouble worse, the Tempter brought the good people of Bedford to mind. He suggested that, since they were already converted, they were all whom God would save in that area. He suggested that I had come too late, for they had received the blessing before I came.

67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out, Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven were lost.

67. I was deeply distressed, thinking that this might indeed be true. So I wandered about, mourning my miserable condition. I thought myself far worse than a thousand fools for holding back so long and spending so many years in sin. I kept crying out, Oh, if only I had turned sooner! Oh, if only I had turned seven years ago! I was also angry with myself for having so little sense as to waste my time until my soul and heaven were lost.

68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled; and yet there is room. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words, but especially those, And yet there is room, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation. This I then verily believed.

68. But after this fear had troubled me for a long time, I could hardly take another step. Then these words came into my mind, near the very place where I had received my earlier encouragement: Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled; and yet there is room. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These were sweet words to me, especially And yet there is room. For I truly thought they showed me there was enough room in heaven for me. I also thought that the Lord Jesus had been thinking of me when he spoke them. He knew that the time would come when I would fear there was no place left for me in his bosom. So he had spoken these words beforehand and left them on record to help me against this vile temptation. I truly believed this at the time.

69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.

69. For quite a while, I lived in the light and encouragement of these words. I was even more comforted when I thought that the Lord Jesus had thought of me so long ago. He had spoken those words especially for my sake. For I truly believed that he had spoken them on purpose to encourage me.

70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would often also think on Nebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth. Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me.

70. But I still faced temptations to go back. These temptations came from Satan, my own heart, and worldly acquaintances. But I thank God that my strong sense of death and the day of judgment outweighed them. Death and judgment seemed to be constantly before me. I also often thought about Nebuchadnezzar. It is said of him that he had given him all the kingdoms of the earth. Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet I thought that if this great man had received all his share in this world, one hour in hellfire would make him forget it all. That thought was a great help to me.

71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; the clean, types of them that were the people of God; but the unclean, types of such as were the children of the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word of God: they also parted the hoof. I thought that signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them, I found, that though we did chew the cud, as the hare; yet if we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the swine, yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean: for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, I found by reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world must be called by Him here; called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in heaven above.

71. Around this time, I also came to see something about the animals that Moses considered clean and unclean. I thought those animals were symbols of people. The clean animals represented God’s people, while the unclean animals represented the children of the wicked one. I read that the clean animals chewed the cud. I thought this showed that we must feed on the word of God. They also had divided hoofs. I thought this meant that, to be saved, we must part with the ways of ungodly people. As I read further, I found that we might chew the cud, like the hare, yet walk with claws, like a dog. Or we might have divided hoofs, like the swine, yet not chew the cud, like the sheep. In either case, we were still unclean. I thought the hare represented those who talk about the word yet walk in the ways of sin. The swine was like someone who gives up outward sins but still lacks the word of faith. Without that word, there could be no way of salvation, however devout a person might be. Deut. xiv. After this, by reading the word, I discovered that those who will be glorified with Christ in the next world must be called by him here. They must be called to share in his word and righteousness, and in the comforts and first fruits of his Spirit. They must also be called to a special share in all those heavenly things that prepare the soul for rest and the house of glory in heaven above.

72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a Christian’s calling! as when the Lord said to one, Follow Me; and to another, Come after Me: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run after Him!

72. Once again, I was at a loss, not knowing what to do. I feared I was not called. For I thought, if I am not called, what can do me any good? Only those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh, how I now loved the words that spoke of a Christian’s calling! The Lord said to one person, Follow me, and to another, Come after me. Oh, I thought, if only he would say the same to me! How gladly I would run after him!

73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.

73. I cannot now express how deeply my soul longed as I cried out to Christ to call me. For a time, I continued like this, burning with desire to be converted to Jesus Christ. At that time, I also saw such glory in being converted that I could not be content without sharing in it. Gold! If conversion could have been bought with gold, what would I have given for it? If I had owned a whole world, I would have given it all ten thousand times over for my soul to be converted.

74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage. Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, He goeth up into a mountain, and calleth unto Him whom He would, and they came unto Him. Mark iii. 13.

74. How lovely everyone seemed to me now if I thought they were converted men and women. They shone. They walked like people who carried the great seal of heaven with them. Oh! I saw that their share had fallen in pleasant places, and that they had a wonderful inheritance. Psalm xvi. But what made me sick was what St Mark said about Christ: He went up a mountain, and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. Mark iii. 13.

75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no liking to me, for He called whom He would. But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, Would I had been in their clothes, would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or, would I had been by and had heard Him when He called them, how would I have cried, O Lord, call me also! But, oh! I feared He would not call me.

75. This scripture made me faint with fear, yet it kindled a fire in my soul. I feared that Christ might not want me, for he called whomever he chose. But oh! The glory I saw in being called still captivated my heart. I could hardly read of anyone Christ called without immediately wishing, I wish I had been in their place, I wish I had been born Peter, I wish I had been born John, or, I wish I had been there and heard him call them. How I would have cried, O Lord, call me too! But, oh! I feared he would not call me.

76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: I will cleanse their blood, that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion. Joel iii. 21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.

76. In truth, the Lord let me continue like this for many months. He showed me nothing to suggest that I had already been called, or would be called later. But at last, after much time had passed, I had often groaned to God to share in the holy and heavenly calling. Then these words came to me: I will cleanse their blood, that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion. Joel 3:21. I thought these words were sent to encourage me to keep waiting on God. They meant to me that, even if I was not already truly converted to Christ, the time might come when I would be.

77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.

77. About this time I began to open my heart to those poor people in Bedford and tell them about my condition. After hearing me, they told Mr Gifford about me. He also found an opportunity to talk with me and was willing to think well of me. Yet I think he had little reason to do so. He invited me to his house, where I would hear him discuss God’s dealings with other people’s souls. All of this made me still more aware of my sin. From that time I began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart. Until then, I had known little about them. But now they began to be revealed to me, and my heart began to act as it never had before. I now clearly saw lusts and corruptions stirring within me, in wicked thoughts and desires I had not noticed before. My desire for heaven and eternal life also began to fail. Before, my soul had been full of longing for God. Now I found that it began to crave every foolish pleasure. Indeed, my heart would not be moved to pay attention to what was good. It began to be careless about both my soul and heaven. It would now continually hold me back from every duty, and while I was doing it. My heart was like a weight on a bird’s leg, keeping me from flying.

78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.

78. No, I thought, I am growing worse and worse. I am now farther from conversion than ever before. So my soul began to sink, and I grew so discouraged that I felt as low as hell. Even if I had been burned at the stake, I could not have believed that Christ loved me. Alas! I could not hear him, see him, feel him, or find pleasure in any of his things. I was driven as if by a storm. My heart would remain unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.

79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would condemn.

79. Sometimes I would tell God’s people about my condition. When they heard it, they would pity me and tell me about the promises. But they might as well have told me to reach the sun with my finger as to accept or rely on those promises. I could have done one as soon as the other. Everything I sensed and felt was against me. I saw that I had a heart that would sin, and that I was under a law that would condemn me.

80. These things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming to Him, was thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him, that he lay down and wallowed, foaming. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.

80. These things have often made me think of the child whose father brought him to Christ. While the child was still coming to him, the devil threw him down and so violently tore at him that he lay on the ground and rolled about, foaming. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.

81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron asunder. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girded thee, though thou hast not known Me. Isaiah xlv. 5.

81. Also, in those days, I found my heart shutting itself against the Lord and his holy word. My unbelief seemed to brace its shoulder against the door to keep him out. This happened even when I cried out with many a bitter sigh, Good Lord, break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron apart. Psalm 107:16. Yet those words would sometimes bring a peaceful pause to my heart, I gave you strength, though you have not known me. Isaiah 45:5.

82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.

82. But all this time, I had never been more sensitive to sin. My sore places were inside me. I did not dare take even a pin or a stick as small as a straw. My conscience was sore and stung at every touch. I no longer knew how to speak, for fear I would put my words in the wrong order. Oh, how carefully I went about everything I did or said! I felt as if I were standing on a muddy bog that shook whenever I moved. There I felt abandoned by God and Christ and the Spirit and all good things.

83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of Jesus Christ.

83. But I noticed that, although I had been a great sinner before my conversion, God did not burden me much with guilt for the sins I had committed in ignorance. He only showed me that I was lost without Christ because I had been a sinner. I saw that I needed perfect righteousness to stand blameless before God. This righteousness could be found nowhere but in the person of Jesus Christ.

84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was so in God’s eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair; for I concluded, that this condition that I was in, could not stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long while, even for some years together.

84. But my inborn, inward corruption was my plague and torment. I saw it constantly revealing itself within me in a dreadful way, and I was overwhelmed by my guilt for it. Because of it, I was more disgusting in my own eyes than a toad, and I thought God saw me that way too. Sin and corruption, I said, would bubble out of my heart as naturally as water from a fountain. I now thought that everyone had a better heart than mine. I would have exchanged hearts with anyone. I thought no one but the devil himself could equal me in inward wickedness and corruption of mind. The sight of my own vileness therefore drove me into deep despair. I concluded that my condition could not be reconciled with being in a state of grace. Surely, I thought, God has abandoned me. Surely, I have been given over to the devil and to a depraved mind. I continued in this state for a long time, for several years.

85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live here always: the other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what a-do is here about such little things as these! What seeking after carnal things, by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burthens. A wounded spirit who can bear!

85. While I was suffering from fears of my own damnation, two things amazed me. One was seeing old people pursue the things of this life as if they would live here forever. The other was seeing professing Christians deeply distressed and discouraged by outward losses, such as a husband, wife, or child. Lord, I thought, what a fuss over such little things! Some pursue worldly things so eagerly, while others grieve so much over losing them! If they work so hard and shed so many tears for the things of this present life, how much I deserve their sorrow, pity, and prayers! My soul is dying. My soul is being damned. If only my soul were in good condition, and I were sure of it, ah, how rich I would consider myself, even if I had only bread and water! I would consider those afflictions small and bear them as light burdens. Who can bear a wounded spirit!

86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off: and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart, but the right way, by the blood of Christ, and the application of Thy mercy, through Him, to my soul, for that scripture lay much upon me, without shedding of blood is no remission. Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more, that it might not be so with me.

86. Although I was deeply troubled, shaken, and distressed by the sight, sense, and terror of my own wickedness, I was afraid to let them leave my mind entirely. Unless a person’s guilty conscience was relieved in the right way, by the blood of Christ, losing that distress made the person worse rather than better. So, if my guilt weighed heavily on me, I would cry out for the blood of Christ to take it away. But sometimes my sense of sin seemed ready to fade and disappear altogether. If it was fading without the blood of Christ, I would try to bring it back into my heart. I did this by impressing on my spirit the punishment of sin in hellfire. I would cry, Lord, do not let it leave my heart, except in the right way, by the blood of Christ, and by your mercy, through him, being applied to my soul. For this Scripture weighed heavily on me: without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. Heb. ix. 22. I was even more afraid because of what I had seen in some people. Though they cried out and prayed when their consciences were wounded, they sought immediate relief from their distress rather than pardon for their sin. They did not care how they lost their guilt, as long as they got it out of their minds. But because they had lost it in the wrong way, their distress did not make them holier. Instead, they became harder, blinder, and more wicked afterward. This frightened me and made me cry out to God all the more that the same thing would not happen to me.

87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.

87. Now I was sorry that God had made me a man, because I feared I was rejected by God. I considered an unconverted person the most miserable of all creatures. Tormented and troubled by my sad condition, I felt alone and more unfortunate than most people.

88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.

88. Yes, I thought I could never become good enough in heart to thank God for making me a man. By creation, human beings are indeed the noblest of all creatures in the visible world. But through sin, they have made themselves the least noble. I envied the condition of beasts, birds, fish, and other creatures. They had no sinful nature. They were not subject to God’s wrath, and they would not go to hellfire after death. So I could have rejoiced if my condition had been like any of theirs.

89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song, Song iv. 1, Behold, thou art fair, my love, behold, thou art fair. But at that time he made these two words, my love, his chief and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the church, and so every saved soul, is Christ’s love, when loveless. 2. Christ’s love without a cause. 3. Christ’s love, when hated of the world. 4. Christ’s love, when under temptation and under destruction. 5. Christ’s love, from first to last.

89. I remained in this condition for a long time. But when the time came for comfort, I heard someone preach on these words from the Song of Solomon, Song iv. 1: Look, you are beautiful, my love, look, you are beautiful. He made the two words my love the main subject of his sermon. After briefly explaining the passage, he drew these conclusions: 1. The church, and every saved soul, is Christ’s love, even when unlovable. 2. Christ loves without a cause. 3. Christ loves when the world hates. 4. Christ loves in temptation and destruction. 5. Christ loves from first to last.

90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; If it be so, that the saved soul is Christ’s love, when under temptation and desertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou art assaulted, and afflicted with temptations, and the hidings of God’s face, yet think on these two words, ‘My love,’ still.

90. But I gained nothing from what he said at the time. When he came to apply his fourth point, he said this: If it is true, that the saved soul is Christ’s love, even when tempted and abandoned, then, poor tempted soul, when you are attacked, and troubled by temptations, and God hides his face from you, still remember these two words, ‘My love,’ always.

91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, What shall I get by thinking on these two words? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit, Thou art My Love, thou art My Dove, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is it true, but is it true? At which that sentence fell upon me, He wist not that it was true, which was done by the Angel. Acts xii. 9.

91. As I was going home, these words came into my thoughts again. I remember well that I said in my heart, What will I gain by thinking about these two words? No sooner had I thought this than these words began to stir within me: You are my love, you are my dove. They came to me twenty times in a row. As they ran through my mind, they grew stronger and warmer, and they began to make me look up. But I was still caught between hope and fear, and I kept asking in my heart, But is it true, but is it true? Then these words came to me: He did not know that what the Angel had done was real. Acts xii. 9.

92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, ‘Thou art my Love, thou art My Love, and nothing shall separate thee from My Love. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, I would write this down before I go any farther; for surely I will not forget this forty years hence. But, alas! within less than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to question all still.

92. Then I began to accept the words that powerfully echoed this joyful message in my soul again and again: ‘You are my love, you are my love, and nothing will separate you from my love.’ My heart was filled with comfort and hope. Now I could believe that my sins would be forgiven. I was so overwhelmed by God’s love and mercy that I could hardly contain myself until I got home. I thought I could have spoken of his love and told of his mercy to me, even to the crows sitting on the plowed fields before me, if they could have understood me. So I said to myself with great joy, I wish I had a pen and ink here. I would write this down before I go any farther. Surely I will not forget this even forty years from now. But, alas, in less than forty days I began to question it all again. This made me keep questioning it all.

93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture, Simon, Simon; behold, Satan hath desired to have you, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it not.

93. Yet at times I was still helped to believe that it was a true revelation of grace to my soul. This was so, though I had lost much of its life and sweetness. About a week or two later, this scripture kept coming to me: Simon, Simon, look, Satan has asked to have you, Luke 22:31. Sometimes it sounded so loud within me, as if it were calling after me so strongly, that once I turned my head and looked over my shoulder. I truly thought someone behind me had called me. The voice seemed to be calling loudly from a great distance. I have since thought that the scripture came to stir me to prayer and watchfulness. It came to warn me that a cloud and a storm were coming upon me, but I did not understand it.

94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me.

94. Also, as I remember, that loud call was the last time it sounded in my ears. But I still seem to hear how loudly the words Simon, Simon sounded in my ears. As I have told you, I truly thought someone half a mile behind me had called out to me. Although that was not my name, I suddenly looked behind me. I believed that whoever had called so loudly meant me.

95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.

95. But I was so foolish and ignorant that I did not know the reason for this sound. Soon afterward, I both saw and felt that it had been sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to prepare for what was coming. At the time, I could only wonder why this scripture kept sounding and rattling in my ears so often and so loudly. But, as I said before, I soon understood God’s purpose in it.

96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and of His only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ? And whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word of God?

96. About a month later, a terrible storm came upon me. It tormented me twenty times worse than anything I had faced before. It crept up on me, coming bit by bit. First, all my comfort was taken away. Then darkness seized me. After that, floods of blasphemous thoughts against God, Christ, and the scriptures poured over my spirit. I was deeply confused and astonished. These thoughts led me to question the very existence of God and his only beloved Son. Was there really a God or a Christ? Were the holy scriptures a fable, a cleverly made-up story, rather than the holy and pure word of God?

97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can you tell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove their Mahomet the Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, could I think, that so many ten thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven, (if there were indeed a heaven); and that we only, who live in a corner of the earth, should alone be blessed therewith? Every one doth think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors, and Pagans; and how if all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures, should be but a think so too?

97. The tempter also often attacked me with this thought: How can you know that the Turks do not have scriptures that prove their Mahomet is the Saviour as well as ours prove that Jesus is? And could I believe that so many tens of thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, did not know the right way to heaven (if there really was a heaven)? Could I believe that we alone, living in one corner of the earth, were blessed with that knowledge? Everyone thinks their own religion is the right one. This is true of Jews and Moors, and Pagans. What if all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures are only what we think is right too?

98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paul against them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again upon me, Though we made so great a matter of Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, but that in very deed, he being a subtle and cunning man, might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions: and also take the pains and travel, to undo and destroy his fellows.

98. Sometimes I tried to argue against these suggestions by using some of the words of blessed Paul. But alas! When I did, thoughts like these quickly came back to trouble me: Though we thought so highly of Paul and his words, how could I be sure that in truth, being a subtle and cunning man, he had not given himself over to deceiving others with powerful delusions, and gone to the trouble of ruining and destroying his fellow human beings?

99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.

99. These thoughts took hold of my spirit and weighed heavily on my heart. (There were many others that I cannot and dare not speak or write about now.) They were so numerous, so relentless, and so fierce that I felt as if nothing else filled my mind from morning to night. It seemed as if there could be no room for anything else. I also concluded that God, in his wrath against my soul, had given me over to these thoughts, to be carried away by them as if by a mighty whirlwind.

100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them. But this consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son, and of the scriptures.

100. Only because they were distasteful to my spirit did I feel that something in me refused to embrace them. But I could think of this only when God gave me a moment to swallow my spit. Otherwise, the noise and force of these temptations would overwhelm and, as it were, bury all such thoughts or any memory of them. While I was under this temptation, I often found myself suddenly driven to curse and swear. I also felt driven to say something terrible against God, or Christ his Son, and about the scriptures.

101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil: at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think that God was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.

101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed by the devil. At other times, I thought I would lose my mind. Instead of praising and honoring God the Lord with others, I was troubled whenever I heard him mentioned. Some horrible blasphemous thought against him would immediately burst from my heart. So whether I thought God existed or thought there was no such being, I could feel no love, peace, or gracious disposition within me.

102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.

102. These things plunged me into deep despair. I concluded that such things could not possibly be found among those who loved God. When these temptations came upon me with force, I often compared myself to a child carried off by a gypsy. She had seized the child in her arms and was carrying the child away from friends and country. Sometimes I kicked, shrieked, and cried. But I was bound in the wings of temptation, and the wind carried me away. I also thought of Saul and the evil spirit that possessed him. I was terribly afraid that my condition was the same as his. 1 Sam. x.

103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.

103. In those days, when I heard others talk about the sin against the Holy Spirit, the tempter would stir up in me a desire to commit that very sin. I felt as if I could not, must not, and would not be at peace until I had committed it. No other sin would do. If the sin could be committed by speaking a certain word, I felt as if my mouth would speak it whether I wanted to or not. The temptation was so strong that I was often ready to press my hand under my chin to keep my mouth shut. At other times, to keep myself from speaking, I even thought of jumping headfirst into a hole in a manure heap.

104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was, I could not find, that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions, The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked. Isa. lvii. 20, 21.

104. Once again, I looked at the condition of the dog and the toad. I thought that everything God had made was far better off than I and my companions were in our dreadful state. I would gladly have been a dog or a horse. I knew they had no souls that could perish under the everlasting weight of hell or sin, as mine seemed likely to do. Yet though I saw and felt this, and it broke me to pieces, something added to my sorrow. I could not find that I wanted deliverance with all my soul. In the midst of this turmoil, the scripture also tore my soul apart: The wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mud and dirt. There is no peace, says my God, for the wicked. Isa. lvii. 20, 21.

105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to think that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.

105. At times, my heart was now extremely hard. I could not shed a tear, even if I had offered a thousand pounds for one. Sometimes I could hardly even wish to shed one. I was deeply depressed at the thought that this would be my lot. I saw that some could mourn and grieve over their sins. Others could rejoice and thank God for Christ. Still others could calmly talk about the word of God and remember it with gladness. But I alone was caught in a storm. This deeply discouraged me. I thought no one else was in my condition. So I grieved greatly over my hard fate, but I could not escape or rid myself of these troubles.

106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. If I had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.

106. This temptation lasted about a year. During that time, I could not take part in any of God’s ordinances without great distress. Indeed, it was then that blasphemous thoughts troubled me most. If I was listening to the word, unclean thoughts, blasphemies, and despair would hold me captive there. If I was reading, I sometimes had sudden thoughts that made me question everything I read. At other times, my mind would be so strangely carried away and filled with other things that I would not understand, notice, or even remember the sentence I had just read.

107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that, Fall down; or, if thou wilt fall down and worship me. Matt. iii. 9.

107. At this time I was also greatly troubled during prayer. Sometimes I thought I felt him behind me, pulling my clothes. He was constantly urging me during prayer to finish, stop, and hurry. He told me I had prayed enough and should not stay any longer. He kept drawing my mind away. Sometimes he also put wicked thoughts into my mind, telling me that I must pray to him or for him. Sometimes I thought of the words, Fall down, or, if you will fall down and worship me. Matt. iii. 9.

108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as they.

108. Also, when my thoughts wandered during prayer, I tried to quiet my mind and fix it on God. Then the tempter tried with great force to distract and confuse me and turn my mind away. He filled my heart and imagination with the image of a bush, a bull, a broom, or something similar, as if I should pray to them. At times especially, he held my mind so fixed on these things that I seemed unable to think of anything else, or pray to anything but these or things like them.

109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me, as if I had nothing to do with My mercy, but to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor soul! how art thou deceived! It is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest.

109. Yet at times I had a powerful sense of God and of the truth of his gospel. Oh, how my heart reached out then with groans beyond words! My whole soul was in every word. I cried out in anguish for God to be merciful to me. But then I would be discouraged again by thoughts like these. I imagined God mocking my prayers in the hearing of the holy angels: This poor, simple wretch longs for me, as if I had nothing else to do with my mercy, but give it to someone like him. Alas, poor soul! How deceived you are! Someone like you cannot find favor with the Highest.

110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as these: You are very hot for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame shall not last always: many have been as hot as you for a spurt, but I have quenched their zeal (and with this, such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take what care I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling your heart, if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, I can pull you from this fire; I shall have you cold before it be long.

110. Then the tempter came to me with discouragements like these: You are eager for mercy now, but I will cool you down. This feeling will not last forever. Many have been as eager as you for a short time, but I have put out their zeal (and as he said this, I would picture people who had fallen away). Then I would be afraid that I would fall away too. But I thought, I am glad this has come to mind. Well, I will watch out and take as much care as I can. Though you do, Satan said, I will be too strong for you. I will cool you down so gradually that you will not notice. I do not care if it takes me seven years to chill your heart, as long as I can do it in the end. Keep rocking a crying child, and the child will fall asleep. I will keep at it, and I will achieve my purpose. Though you are burning hot now, I can pull you away from this fire. Before long, you will be cold.

111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it (like her who met with adulterer, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered these things a while:—I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, etc., shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. viii. 38, 39. And now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.

111. These things put me in great distress. I felt unprepared to die then, but I thought that living longer would make me even less prepared. Time would make me forget everything. It would erase from my mind all memory of the evil of sin, the value of heaven, and my need for the blood of Christ to wash me clean. But I thank Christ Jesus that these fears did not make me cry out any less. Instead, they made me cry out even more (like the woman who met an adulterer, Deut. xxii. 26). During those days, after I had suffered these things for a while, these words brought me comfort: I am convinced that neither death, nor life, etc., will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. viii. 38, 39. And now I hoped that a long life would not destroy me or keep me from heaven.

112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned by me; that in Jer. iii. at the first was something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, My Father, Thou art the Guide of my youth, and shall return unto Him.

112. Yet I found some support during this temptation, though I questioned all of it at the time. At first, the passage in Jer. iii. gave me some help. So did the thought of verse 5 of that chapter. It says that, though we have spoken and done as much evil as we could, we should still cry to God, My Father, you are the Guide of my youth, and return to him.

113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21: For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Who knew no sin, that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him. I remember that one day, as I was sitting in a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my mind, What ground have I to say that, who have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? That word came suddenly upon me, What shall we say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? Rom. viii. 31. That also was an help unto me, Because I live, ye shall live also. John xiv. 19. But these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, like to Peter’s sheet, of a sudden were caught up from me, to heaven again. Acts x. 16.

113. Once, I also caught a sweet glimpse of comfort from 2 Corinthians 5:21: For he made him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in him. I remember sitting in a neighbor’s house one day, deeply saddened as I thought of my many blasphemies. I was asking myself, What reason do I have to say that I, who have been so vile and abominable, will ever inherit eternal life? Then these words came to me suddenly: What shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31. These words also helped me: Because I live, you will live also. John 14:19. But these words were only hints, brief touches and short visits, though they were very sweet while they lasted. They did not stay, but, like Peter’s sheet, they were suddenly taken up from me, back into heaven. Acts 10:16.

114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians were.

114. But afterward, the Lord revealed himself to me more fully and graciously. He completely freed me not only from the guilt these things had laid on my conscience, but also from their very filth. For the temptation was removed, and I was in my right mind again, like other Christians.

115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind, Having made peace through the blood of His cross. Col. i. 20. By which I was made to see, both again and again, that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other, through His blood. This was a good day to me; I hope I shall never forget it.

115. I remember one day when I was traveling into the country. I was thinking about the wickedness and blasphemy in my heart, and the hostility I felt toward God. Then this scripture came to mind: Having made peace through the blood of his cross. Col. i. 20. Through this scripture, I saw again and again that God and my soul were friends because of his blood. Indeed, I saw that God's justice and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other through his blood. It was a good day for me. I hope I will never forget it.

116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me, Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same, that through death He might destroy him that had the power of death, that is the devil; and deliver those who through fear of death, were all their lifetime subject to bondage. Heb. ii. 14, 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.

116. Another time, I sat by the fire in my house, thinking about my wretchedness. The Lord made these words precious to me too: Since the children share flesh and blood, he himself also shared in the same, so that through death he might destroy the one who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and free those who, through fear of death, were slaves all their lives. Heb. ii. 14, 15. The glory of these words seemed to weigh so heavily on me that I nearly fainted twice as I sat there. Yet this was not from grief or trouble, but from deep joy and peace.

117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr Gifford, whose doctrine, by God’s grace, was much for my stability. This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those false and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to. He would bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily to God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; For, said he, if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if strongly, you not having received them with evidence from heaven, will find you want that help and strength now to resist, that once you thought you had.

117. At this time I also sat under the teaching of the godly Mr Gifford. By God’s grace, his teaching helped me greatly to remain steadfast. He made it much of his work to free God’s people from all the false and unsound tests we naturally tend to use. He urged us to take special care not to accept any truth simply on the word of any person or group. Instead, we should cry earnestly to God to convince us that it was true. We should ask him to establish us in that truth through his own Spirit and the holy word. For, he said, if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if they come strongly, you will not have received those truths with evidence from heaven. Then you will find that you lack the help and strength to resist that you once thought you had.

118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latter rains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of these his words: for I had felt no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord, but by the Holy Ghost). Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, that in nothing that pertained to God’s glory, and my own eternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the revelations of God in heaven: also a great difference betwixt that faith that is feigned, and according to man’s wisdom, and that which comes by a man’s being born thereto of God. Matt. xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.

118. This came to my soul just when I needed it, like the early and late rains in their season. For I had learned the truth of his words through painful experience. I had felt that no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord, but by the Holy Ghost. So, through grace, I found my soul ready to drink in this teaching. I was moved to pray that God would give me confirmation from heaven in everything concerning his glory and my eternal happiness. For now I saw clearly the vast difference between human ideas and revelations from God in heaven. I also saw a great difference between a false faith based on human wisdom and the faith that comes from being born of God. Matt. xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.

119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession, and second coming from heaven to judge the world!

119. But oh, how God now led my soul from one truth to another! He led me from the birth and cradle of the Son of God to his ascension and second coming from heaven to judge the world!

120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing that I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He was pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it: methought I saw with great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even to His second coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world, from the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter. 1 Peter i. 12, 20.

120. Truly, I found then that the great God was very good to me in this way. As I recall, he revealed everything I cried out to him to make known to me. I mean that he led me step by step into every part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus. In the accounts of the four evangelists, I thought I saw clear evidence of God’s wonderful work in giving Jesus Christ to save us. I saw it from his conception and birth all the way to his second coming to judgment. It was as if I had seen him born and seen him grow up. It was as if I had seen him pass through this world, from the cradle to the cross. When he came to the cross, I saw how gently he gave himself to be hanged and nailed there for my sins and wicked deeds. As I thought about his journey, these words came to my heart: He was ordained for the slaughter. 1 Peter i. 12, 20.

121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have remembered that word, Touch Me not, Mary, etc., I have seen as if He had leaped out of the grave’s mouth, for joy that He was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes. John xx. 17. I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the right hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.

121. I have also considered the truth of his resurrection and remembered his words, Touch Me not, Mary, and so on. I have seen him as if he had leaped out of the grave’s mouth. He seemed joyful that he had risen again and conquered our dreadful enemies. John 20:17. I have also seen him in the spirit as a man at the right hand of God the Father, there for me. And I have seen how he will come from heaven in glory to judge the world. These scriptures have confirmed these things for me: Acts 1:9, 10, 7:56, and 10:42. Hebrews 7:24 and 9:28. Revelation 1:18. 1 Thessalonians 4:17, 18.

112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: And I beheld, and, to, in the midst of the throne, and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb, as it had been slain. In the midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methought this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me much in this, For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace, etc. Isa. ix. 6.

112. Once I was troubled by the question of whether the Lord Jesus was both man and God. In those days, whatever people said meant nothing to me unless I had evidence from heaven. Without that evidence, I did not consider myself firmly grounded in any truth of God. I was deeply troubled about this question and did not know how to settle it. At last, Revelation v. 6 came to mind: And I looked, and, there, in the middle of the throne, and of the four living creatures, and in the middle of the elders, stood a Lamb, as if it had been slain. “In the middle of the throne,” I thought, “there is his divinity. In the middle of the elders, there is his humanity.” Oh, how that thought shone! It was a lovely insight and gave me sweet satisfaction. Another passage of Scripture also helped me greatly with this question: For a Child is born to us, a Son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulder. He will be called Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace, etc. Isa. ix. 6.

123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully maintain it.

123. Besides these teachings of God in his word, the Lord used two things to strengthen my belief in this truth. One was the errors of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin. As the Quakers opposed this truth, God strengthened my belief in it even more. He did this by leading me to passages of Scripture that wonderfully supported it.

124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:—

124. The errors these people believed at the time were:

‘1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.

‘1. That the Holy Scriptures were not the word of God.

‘2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, etc.

‘2. That everyone in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, and so on.

‘3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.

‘3. That Christ Jesus did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people when he was crucified and died sixteen hundred years ago.

‘4. That Christ’s flesh and blood were within the saints.

‘4. That Christ’s flesh and blood were within the saints.

‘5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the church-yard, shall not arise again.

‘5. That the bodies of good and bad people buried in the churchyard will not rise again.

‘6. That the resurrection is past with good men already.

‘6. That the resurrection has already happened for good people.

‘7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem, was not ascended above the starry heavens.

‘7. That the man Jesus was not taken up above the starry heavens. He was crucified between two thieves on Mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, near Jerusalem.

‘8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all nations,’ etc.

‘8. That Jesus, the same Jesus who died at the hands of the Jews, would not return on the last day and judge all nations as a man, etc.’

125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to the scripture. O friends! cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like Him.

125. In those days, they promoted many more vile and abominable things. These drove me to search the scriptures more closely. Through their light and testimony, I was not only enlightened, but also greatly strengthened and comforted in the truth. And, as I said, the guilt of sin helped me greatly. Whenever guilt came upon me, the blood of Christ took it away again, and again, and again. It did so sweetly, in keeping with scripture. O friends! Cry out to God to reveal Jesus Christ to you. No one teaches like him.

126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.

126. It would take too long to explain in detail how God established me in all the things of Christ. To do this, he led me into his words. He opened them to me and made them shine before me. He caused them to stay with me, speak to me, and comfort me again and again. They assured me that God himself exists, as do his Son, his Spirit, his word, and his gospel.

127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and love of God, through Christ.

127. As I said before, I will say again that, in general, he chose to deal with me this way. First, he allowed me to be troubled by temptations concerning them. Then he revealed them to me. At times, I would feel great guilt for my sin, crushed to the ground by it. Then the Lord would show me the death of Christ. He would sprinkle my conscience so thoroughly with his blood that, before I knew it, God’s peace and love through Christ would rest and remain there. They came to rest in the very conscience where the law had just ruled and raged.

128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight. Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it! And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.

128. Now I believed I had proof of my salvation from heaven, with many golden seals on it, all hanging before my eyes. I could now remember this revelation and the other discovery of grace with comfort. I often longed for the last day to come. Then I could be forever filled with passion at the sight, joy, and fellowship of him whose head was crowned with thorns. His face was spat upon, his body broken, and his soul made an offering for my sins. Before, I had lain trembling continually at the mouth of hell. Now I felt so far from it that, when I looked back, I could hardly make it out! Oh, I thought, if only I were eighty years old now! Then I could die soon, and my soul could go to rest.

129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man’s experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of Martin Luther’s; it was his Comment on the Galatians; it also was so old, that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, This man could not know any thing of the state of Christians now, but must needs write and speak the experience of former days.

129. But before I had come this far out of my temptations, I longed to read about some godly man’s experience from hundreds of years before I was born. As for those who had written in my own day, I thought they had only written about what others had felt. Or I thought they had used their intelligence and ability to devise answers to objections that troubled others, without going into the depths themselves. I now ask them to forgive me for thinking this. After I had longed for such an account many times, God, in whose hands are all our days and ways, one day put a book by Martin Luther into my hands. It was his Commentary on Galatians. The book was so old that it was ready to fall apart whenever I turned it over. I was very pleased to have found such an old book. After reading only a little, I found that Luther had described my condition in his own experience, so fully and deeply that the book seemed to have been written from my heart. This amazed me. I thought, This man could not know anything about the state of Christians now, but must have been writing and speaking about the experience of earlier days.

130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of Moses, as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall before all men—I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the Galatians (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.

130. Besides, in that book he also discusses very seriously the causes of these temptations, such as blasphemy and despair. He shows that the law of Moses, as well as the devil, death, and hell, plays a very great part in them. At first, this seemed very strange to me. But as I reflected and observed, I found that it was indeed true. I do not intend to go into details here. But I feel I must say this before all men: apart from the Holy Bible, I prefer this book by Martin Luther on Galatians to all the books I have ever seen. It is the most suitable for a wounded conscience.

131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find, that my great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle,—God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.

131. Now I believed that I loved Christ dearly. Oh, I felt that my soul and my affections clung to him. My love for him felt as hot as fire. And now, as Job said, I thought I would die in my nest. But I soon found that my great love was small after all. I had thought my love for Jesus Christ burned so fiercely, yet I could let him go for a mere trifle. God knows how to humble us and keep us from pride. Soon after this, my love was severely tested.

132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.

132. The Lord had graciously delivered me from this great and painful temptation in this way. He had settled me so sweetly in faith in his holy gospel. He had also given me strong comfort and blessed evidence from heaven that I shared in his love through Christ. After all this, the tempter came upon me again with an even more painful and dreadful temptation than before.

133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange Him for the things of this life, for any thing. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.

133. The temptation was to sell and give up this most blessed Christ, to exchange him for the things of this life, for anything. This temptation troubled me for a year. It followed me so constantly that I was not free of it for even one day in a month. Sometimes, for many days at a time, I was not free of it for even an hour, except when I slept.

134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; The land shall not be sold for ever, for the land is mine, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous ones.

134. I was convinced that those truly united with Christ could never lose him forever. Through his grace, I hoped I had seen myself among them. As God says, The land shall not be sold forever, for the land is mine. Lev. 25:23. Yet it constantly troubled me to think that I could have even one such thought against Christ, Jesus, who had done so much for me. And at that time I had almost no thoughts except such blasphemous ones.

135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him, sell Him.

135. But neither my dislike of the thought nor my desire and efforts to resist it weakened it at all. The thought continued with undiminished force and strength. It kept intruding into almost everything I thought. I could not eat, bend down to pick up a pin, chop a stick, or look at anything without the temptation returning: Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that, sell him, sell him.

136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him: against which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.

136. Sometimes the thought would run through my mind as many as a hundred times in a row: Sell him, sell him, sell him. For whole hours, I was forced to resist it, straining constantly against it with all my spirit. I feared that, before I realized it, some wicked thought might arise in my heart and consent. Sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented. Then I would feel as if I were being tortured on a rack for whole days at a time.

137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.

137. This temptation frightened me so much that I feared I might sometimes give in to it and be overcome. I strained so hard to deny and resist this wickedness that my body would move. I would push or thrust with my hands or elbows. Whenever the destroyer said, Sell him, I answered at once, I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds. I counted them this way because I feared that, amid these assaults, I might place too low a value on him. This went on until I hardly knew where I was or how to regain my composure.

138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, Now I am at meat; let me make an end. No, said he, you must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.

138. At such times, he would not let me eat in peace. When I sat down to eat, I supposedly had to leave and pray. I had to leave my food right then, that very moment. This devil could make such a show of holiness. When I was tempted this way, I would say to myself, I am eating now. Let me finish. No, he said, you must pray now, or you will displease God and despise Christ. These things greatly troubled me. Because of my sinful nature, I imagined that these urges came from God. So when I refused to pray, it was as if I had refused God. Then I would feel as guilty for not obeying a temptation from the devil as if I had actually broken God’s law.

139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, To sell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, as fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let Him go, if He will; and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man’s heart!

139. But to be brief: one morning, as I lay in bed, I was fiercely attacked by a temptation, as I had been before. The temptation was to sell and part with Christ. The wicked suggestion kept running through my mind: Sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, as fast as a man could speak. As before, I answered it in my mind: No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands. I answered at least twenty times in a row. But at last, after struggling until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart: Let him go, if he will. I also thought I felt my heart freely agree to it. Oh, how relentless Satan is! Oh, how desperate the human heart is!

140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.

140. Now the battle was won, and I fell into deep guilt and fearful despair. I was like a bird shot from the top of a tree. So I got out of bed and went sorrowfully into the field. But God knows how heavy my heart was. I think it was as heavy as any mortal man could bear. For two hours in the field, I was like a man without life. I was now beyond all recovery and bound for eternal punishment.

141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: Or profane persons as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright: for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

141. At the same time, this scripture seized my soul: Or godless persons like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected. For he found no opportunity to repent, though he sought it earnestly with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.

142. Now I was like a prisoner, shut up to await the judgment to come. For two whole years, nothing stayed with me but damnation and the expectation of damnation. I say, nothing else stayed with me, except for a few moments of relief, as you will see later.

143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o’clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, The blood of Jesus Christ His Son, cleanseth us from all sin. 1 John i. 7.

143. These words were to my soul like brass chains on my legs. I went about hearing their sound for several months. But at about ten or eleven o’clock that day, I was walking beside a hedge. God knows I was full of sorrow and guilt. I was lamenting my hard luck that such a thought should arise within me. Suddenly, this sentence rushed into my mind: The blood of Christ removes all guilt. At this, I stopped in my spirit. Then these words took hold of me: The blood of Jesus Christ his Son, cleanses us from all sin. 1 John 1:7.

144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.

144. Now I began to feel peace in my soul. It seemed to me that the tempter looked at me and slipped away, ashamed of what he had done. At the same time, my sin and the blood of Christ appeared to me in this way: Compared with the blood of Christ, my sin was no more than this little clod of earth or stone before me is to the vast, wide field I see here. This encouraged me greatly for two or three hours. During that time, I also thought I saw, by faith, the Son of God suffering for my sins. But because the vision did not last, my spirit sank again under overwhelming guilt.

145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau’s selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me; For ye know, how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.

145. But the scripture mentioned above, about Esau selling his birthright, troubled me most. It stayed in my mind all day, all week, and all year. It held me down so that I could not lift myself up. Whenever I tried to turn to another scripture for relief, these words kept sounding in my mind: For you know, how afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he found no place for repentance, though he sought it earnestly with tears.

146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii. 31, I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.

146. Sometimes, the words in Luke 22:31 gave me a moment of comfort: I have prayed for you that your faith will not fail. But the comfort did not last. When I considered my condition and the way I had sinned, I could find no reason to believe that faith had taken root in me at all. I was torn and deeply troubled for many days.

147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28: All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.

147. Then, with a sad and troubled heart, I began to consider the nature and extent of my sin. I searched the word of God for some promise or encouraging sentence that might give me relief. So I began to consider Mark iii. 28: All sins shall be forgiven to the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they may speak. At first glance, the passage seemed to contain a generous and glorious promise of pardon for great offenses. But when I considered it more fully, I thought it applied chiefly to those who had committed such sins while still in their natural, unconverted state. I thought it did not apply to me. For I had received light and mercy, yet afterward I had treated Christ with contempt, contrary to that light and mercy.

148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: For you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. And this stuck always with me.

148. I feared, therefore, that my wicked sin might be the unforgivable sin he speaks of there. But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven but is in danger of eternal damnation. Mark iii. 29. I was all the more inclined to believe this because of the passage in Hebrews: For you know that afterward when he wanted to inherit the blessing he was rejected, for he found no opportunity for repentance, though he sought it earnestly with tears. This passage always stayed with me.

149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.

149. Now I was both a burden and a terror to myself. Never before had I felt so weary of my life, yet so afraid to die. Oh, how gladly I would have been anyone but myself! I would have been anything but a human being, in any situation but my own! For nothing crossed my mind more often than the thought that I could not be forgiven for my sin. Nor could I be saved from the wrath to come.

150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, that it were with me as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me! Job xxix. 2.

150. Now I began to wish I could bring back the time that had passed. Two thousand times I wished that the day when I would be tempted to commit such a sin was still ahead of me. I felt great anger against both my heart and all temptations. I decided that I would rather have been torn to pieces than have been found consenting to such a sin. But alas! These thoughts, wishes, and resolutions came too late to help me. This thought had passed through my heart: God has let me go, and I have fallen. Oh, I thought, if only I were as I was in months past, as in the days when God preserved me! Job 29:2.

151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered David’s adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses, from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.

151. Then, because I was reluctant and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others. I wanted to see if anyone who had been saved had done what I had done. So I considered David’s adultery and murder. I found them to be most terrible crimes, committed even after he had received light and grace. But I realized that his sins were only against the law of Moses. The Lord Christ could deliver him from those sins in keeping with his word. My sin, however, was against the gospel, indeed, against its Mediator. I had sold my Saviour.

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the great transgression? Ps. xix. 13. Must that wicked one touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?

152. Again, I felt as if I were being tortured on the wheel. I thought of how, besides the guilt that filled me, I could be so lacking in grace, so bewitched. I thought, could it be no sin but this one? Must it be the great transgression? Ps. xix. 13. Must that wicked one touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh, how each of these passages stung me!

153. What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? but one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God’s mercy; and must I be guilty of that? must it needs be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy sin! Oh! unhappy man! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, You know, how, that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected. Oh! no one knows the terrors of those days but myself.

153. What, I thought, is there only one unforgivable sin? Is there only one sin that puts the soul beyond the reach of God’s mercy? And must I be guilty of that? Must it be that sin? Among so many millions of sins, is there only one sin for which there is no forgiveness? And must I commit this one? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy man! These thoughts so broke and confused my spirit that I did not know what to do. At times, I thought they would drive me mad. And to make my misery worse, these words kept running through my mind: You know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected. Oh! No one knows the terrors of those days but me.

154. After this I began to consider of Peter’s sin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but a denial of his Master, but mine was, a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter.

154. After this I began to think about Peter’s sin when he denied his Master. Of all the sins I could find, his came closest to mine. Like me, he had denied his Saviour after receiving light and mercy, and even after being warned. I also thought about how he denied him not just once but twice, with time to reflect between denials. I put all these circumstances together, hoping, if possible, to find some help. But then I considered that his sin was only a denial of his Master, while mine was a selling of my Saviour. So I thought I was closer to Judas than to either David or Peter.

155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men’s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.

155. Once again, my torment flared up and afflicted me. The thought that God had protected others while I fell into the trap seemed to grind me to powder. For as I considered other men’s sins and compared them with my own, I could clearly see that God had protected them despite their wickedness. He had not let them become sons of perdition, as he had let me.

156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak of God’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.

156. But oh, how deeply I valued the protection God gave his people at this time! How safely I saw those whom God had surrounded with his protection walk! They were within his care, protection, and special providence. Though they were by nature every bit as bad as I was, he loved them. So he would not let them fall beyond the reach of mercy. But as for me, I was lost. I had done it. He would not protect me or keep me safe. Because I was a reprobate, he had let me fall as I had. Now those blessed passages about God keeping his people shone before me like the sun. They did not comfort me. But they showed me the blessed state and inheritance of those whom the Lord had blessed.

157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.

157. Now I saw that God had a hand in everything that happened to his chosen people. In the same way, he had a hand in all the temptations they faced to sin against him. He did not encourage them to do evil. Rather, he chose their temptations and troubles for them. He also left them for a time to fall only into sins that would humble them, not destroy them. These sins would not put them beyond his mercy, but would lead them to receive it anew. But oh, what love, care, kindness, and mercy I now saw mixed into even God’s harshest and most dreadful dealings with his people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others fall. But he would not let them fall into unforgivable sin or into hell because of their sin. Oh, I thought, these are the people God has loved. Though he disciplines them, he keeps them safe beside him. He makes them live under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts brought me more sorrow, grief, and horror. Whatever I thought about now was killing me. If I thought about how God kept his own people safe, that was killing me. If I thought about how I myself had fallen, that was killing me. All things worked together for the best and for the good of those called according to his purpose. In the same way, I thought all things worked to harm me and bring about my eternal ruin.

158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And by considering, I found that Judas did this intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau’s fall in mine ears, and the dreadful consequences thereof.

158. Then I began again to compare my sin with the sin of Judas. I hoped, if possible, to find out whether mine differed from his, which is truly unforgivable. Oh, I thought, if my sin differed from his by even a hair’s breadth, how happy my soul would be! As I considered this, I found that Judas sinned intentionally, but mine was against my prayers and efforts. Besides, he committed his sin after much deliberation, but mine happened suddenly, in a fearful rush. All this time I was tossed back and forth like the locusts, driven from trouble to sorrow. I could always hear the story of Esau’s fall in my ears, along with its dreadful consequences.

159. Yet this consideration about Judas’s sin was, for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.

159. Yet thinking about Judas’s sin gave me a little relief for a while. I saw that, in the circumstances, I had not sinned as fully as he had. But the relief soon faded. I thought there might be more than one way to commit this unforgivable sin. I also thought there might be degrees of it, as there are of other sins. So, for all I could tell, my sin might still be one that could never be forgiven.

160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.

160. I was often ashamed that I should be like such a hateful man as Judas. I also thought how loathsome I would be to all the saints on the day of judgment. So now, whenever I saw a good man whom I believed had a clear conscience, my heart would tremble in his presence. Oh, now I saw the glory of walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a clear conscience before him.

161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving some false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: For if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters use to help themselves withal.

161. Around that time, I was strongly tempted to find comfort in accepting some false belief. For example, I was tempted to believe that there would be no day of judgment, that we would not rise again, and that sin was not so serious. The tempter suggested: Even if these things are true, believing otherwise would give you relief for now. If you must perish, do not torment yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of damnation out of your mind by filling your mind with the kinds of conclusions that Atheists and Ranters use to comfort themselves.

162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

162. But oh! When such thoughts passed through my heart, death and judgment seemed only a step away! It seemed to me that the judge stood at the door, as if judgment had already come. So I could not entertain such thoughts. But I think this shows me that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ. He does not love an awakened spirit. Complacency, blindness, darkness, and error are the very kingdom and dwelling place of the wicked one.

163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, ’Tis too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to my correction, but condemnation: my sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright, he would have received the blessing, but was rejected. About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knows the beginning of sin? but who bounds the issues thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; For you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.

163. I now found it hard to pray to God because despair was swallowing me up. I felt as though a storm were driving me away from God. Whenever I cried to God for mercy, these thoughts came to me: It is too late, I am lost, God has let me fall. He has done it not to correct me, but to condemn me. My sin cannot be forgiven. And I know what happened to Esau. After he had sold his birthright, he wanted to receive the blessing, but was rejected. About this time I came across the dreadful story of that miserable man Francis Spira. The book was like salt rubbed into a fresh wound for my troubled spirit. Every sentence in it and every groan of the man felt like knives and daggers in my soul. So did all his other actions in his agony: his tears, his prayers, his grinding of teeth and wringing of hands. So did his writhing and twisting, his wasting away and pining under the mighty hand of God upon him. One sentence of his especially frightened me: Man knows where sin begins, but who can limit its consequences? Then the earlier passage would again strike my conscience like a hot thunderbolt, as the conclusion to it all: For you know how afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected. He found no opportunity for repentance, though he sought it earnestly with tears.

164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by falling headlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushed out. Acts i. 18.

164. Then I would begin to tremble violently. Sometimes, for whole days at a time, I could feel both my body and my mind shaking and staggering. I was overwhelmed by the thought of God’s dreadful judgment on those who had committed that most fearful and unforgivable sin. My terror also caused a tight, burning feeling in my stomach. At times, it felt as if my breastbone would split apart. Then I thought of Judas, who fell headlong, burst open in the middle, and all his insides spilled out. Acts 1:18.

165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.

165. I also feared that this was the mark the Lord put on Cain: constant fear and trembling. Cain lived under the heavy burden of guilt the Lord placed on him for shedding his brother Abel’s blood. So I twisted, turned, and shrank under the burden on me. It weighed on me so heavily that I could neither stand, walk, nor lie down in rest or peace.

166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, He hath received gifts for the rebellious. Psalm lxviii. 18. The rebellious, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, Let Him go, if He will; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?

166. Yet those words sometimes came to mind: He has received gifts for the rebellious. Psalm 68:18. The rebellious, I thought! Surely these are people who were once subject to their Prince. They are people who have sworn obedience to his government and then taken up arms against him. I thought, that is exactly my condition. I once loved him, feared him, and served him. But now I am a rebel. I have sold him. I have said, Let him go, if he will. But he still has gifts for rebels. So why not for me?

167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.

167. Sometimes I thought about this and tried to grasp it, hoping it might bring me some small comfort. But even in this I failed to find what I wanted. I was forced past it. I was like a man being led to execution, passing the very place where he longed to hide, but could not.

168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think with myself, Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.

168. Again, after considering the sins of each of the saints, I found that mine were greater. Then I began to wonder: What if I put all theirs together and compared mine alone with them? Might I then find some encouragement? For even if mine were greater than any one of theirs, there was hope if they only equaled all theirs combined. The blood powerful enough to wash away all their sins was powerful enough to wash away mine. This was true even if my sin was just as great as all theirs, or greater. Again, I considered the sins of David, Solomon, Manasseh, Peter, and the other great offenders. I also tried, as fairly as I could, to make their sins seem worse by considering their circumstances.

169. I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?

169. I would think to myself that David shed blood to cover up his adultery, using the sword of the children of Ammon. He could not have done this without sustained, deliberate planning, which made his sin even worse. But then this thought would turn against me: Ah! But these were only sins against the law, and Jesus was sent to save them from those sins. Your sin is against the Saviour, and who will save you from that?

170. Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my Saviour, and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.

170. Then I thought of Solomon and how he sinned by loving foreign women. He turned away to their idols and built temples for them. He did this after receiving knowledge of the truth, in his old age, and after receiving great mercy. But the same conclusion that ruled out my earlier example also ruled out Solomon's. All those were only sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy. But I had sold my Saviour, and no sacrifice for sin remained.

171. I would then add to these men’s sins, the sins of Manasseh; how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, They are none of them of the nature of yours; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.

171. I would then add the sins of Manasseh to the sins of these men. He built altars for idols in the house of the Lord. He also watched for omens, used magic, consulted wizards, was a wizard himself, and had familiar spirits. He burned his children as sacrifices to devils and filled the streets of Jerusalem with innocent blood. I thought, These are great sins, sins stained with blood. But the thought would return to me: None of them are like yours. You have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.

172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, my sin was point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, Let Him go, if He will. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable; nor all of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.

172. This one thought always broke my heart: my sin was directly against my Saviour. It was so great that I had said of him in my heart, Let him go, if he will. Oh! It seemed to me that this sin was greater than the sins of a country, a kingdom, or the whole world. No single pardonable sin, nor all of them together, could equal mine. My sin surpassed them all.

173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: (It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions; and as a cloud, thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, Return unto Me; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, Return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, For you know, how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, Return, return, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, For you know that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, etc.

173. I found my mind fleeing from God as if from a dreadful judge. Yet my torment was that I could not escape his hand. (It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Hebrews 10.) But blessed be his grace. In these moments of flight, a passage of Scripture would call out, as if running after me: I have blotted out, like a thick cloud, your transgressions; and like a cloud, your sins: return to me, for I have redeemed you. Isaiah 44:22. This passage would come into my mind when I was fleeing from God’s presence. For I did flee from his presence. My mind and spirit fled before him because I could not bear his greatness. Then the passage would cry, Return to me. It would cry out in a very loud voice, Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Indeed, this would make me pause briefly and, as it were, look back over my shoulder. I looked to see whether I could make out the God of grace following me with a pardon in his hand. But as soon as I did, everything would be clouded and darkened again by this sentence: For you know, how afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he found no opportunity to repent, though he sought it earnestly with tears. So I could not stop myself from fleeing, though at times the passage cried, Return, return, as if calling after me. But I was afraid to embrace its promise, in case it did not come from God. For that other passage, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience: For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, etc.

174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man’s shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ? and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, No. Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years’ time been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what here I should be loth to speak. But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to despair again.

174. Once, I was pacing in a good man’s shop, grieving over my sad and miserable state. I tormented myself with self-loathing for this wicked and ungodly thought. I also mourned my hard fate in having committed so great a sin, fearing greatly that I would not be pardoned. In my heart, I prayed that, if my sin differed from the sin against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show me. I was ready to sink with fear when suddenly I heard a noise like wind rushing in upon me through the window. It was very pleasant, and it was as if I heard a voice say, Have you ever refused to be justified by the blood of Christ? At the same moment, my whole past life as a professing Christian opened before me. I was made to see that I had never deliberately refused. So my heart answered with a groan, No. Then these words of God came upon me with power: See that you do not refuse him who speaks. Hebrews 12:25. The words took strange hold of my spirit. They brought light and commanded silence in my heart. Until then, my turbulent thoughts had roared and bellowed like masterless hell-hounds, making a hideous noise within me. The words also showed me that Jesus Christ still had a word of grace and mercy for me. He had not, as I feared, completely forsaken and cast off my soul. Indeed, the words were a kind of rebuke for my tendency to despair. They were a kind of warning, too, if I did not entrust my salvation to the Son of God, despite my sins and their heinousness. But I do not know what to make of this strange experience, or where it came from. Even after twenty years, I have not been able to judge it. I thought then what I would be reluctant to say here. But truly, the sudden rush of wind was as if an angel had come upon me. Still, I will leave both the wind and the greeting until the day of judgment. I will say only that the experience brought a great calm to my soul. It persuaded me that there might be hope. It showed me, or so I thought, what the unpardonable sin was. It also showed me that my soul still had the blessed privilege of fleeing to Jesus Christ for mercy. But, as I say, I still do not know what to say about this experience. In truth, that was why I did not speak of it in the book at first. Even now, I leave it for people of sound judgment to consider. I do not rest my salvation on the experience, but on the Lord Jesus, as offered in the promise. Yet, since I am revealing my secret experiences here, I thought it might not be altogether unhelpful to include this one. Even so, I cannot now describe it as I experienced it then. Its comforting effect lasted about three or four days. Then I began to distrust and despair again.

175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! ’twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.

175. So my life still hung in the balance, and I did not know which way it would go. I found only that my soul longed to cast itself at the feet of grace in prayer and supplication. But oh, how hard it was to dare to pray for mercy to this Christ, against whom I had sinned so wickedly! It was hard, I say, even to look him in the face after sinning so wickedly against him. Indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God in prayer after turning away from him as to do anything else. Oh, the shame I felt then! Especially when I thought, I am now going to pray for mercy to the one I had so lightly valued only a little while ago! I was ashamed, even utterly bewildered, because I had committed this wickedness. But I saw that there was only one way for me. I had to go to him, humble myself before him, and beg him, in his wonderful mercy, to take pity on me and have mercy on my wretched, sinful soul.

176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, That I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any in my case; neither could it do me good, because I had rejected the Mediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father; and without Whom, no prayer could come into His presence: wherefore now to pray, is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offend Him more than you ever did before.

176. When the tempter saw this, he strongly suggested to me that I should not pray to God. Prayer was not for anyone in my condition. It could not do me any good, because I had rejected the Mediator, through whom all prayers were accepted by God the Father. Without him, no prayer could come into God’s presence. So to pray now would only add sin to sin. Indeed, since God has cast you off, to pray now is the surest way to anger and offend him more than you ever have before.

177. For God (saith he) hath been weary of you for these several years already, because you are none of His; your bawlings in His ears, hath been no pleasant voice to Him; and therefore He let you sin this sin, that you might be quite cut off; and will you pray still? This the devil urged, and set forth that in Numbers, when Moses said to the children of Israel, That because they would not go up to possess the land, when God would have them, therefore for ever after He did bar them out from thence, though they prayed they might with tears. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

177. God (he says) has already been weary of you for several years, because you are not his. Your cries in his ears have not been a pleasant sound to him. So he let you commit this sin, so that you might be completely cut off. And will you still pray? The devil pressed this argument and brought up the passage in Numbers. There, Moses told the children of Israel that they had refused to enter and possess the land when God wanted them to. Therefore he barred them from the land forever afterward, though they prayed with tears to be allowed in. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken from God’s altar, that he may die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, That such an one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!

178. As another passage says, Exodus xxi. 14, The man who sins deliberately shall be taken from God’s altar, so that he may die. This happened to Joab under King Solomon, when he thought he could find safety at the altar. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These passages troubled me deeply. Yet my case was desperate, and I thought, I can only die. If I must die, it shall one day be said, That such a man died at Christ’s feet in prayer. I prayed, but with great difficulty, God knows. Even as I prayed, the saying about Esau still pressed on my heart. It was like a flaming sword guarding the way to the tree of life, lest I take its fruit and live. Oh! Who knows how hard I found it to come to God in prayer!

179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, Pray not for this people, for I have rejected them. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, Pray not for him, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: Man knows the beginning of sin (said Spira), but who bounds the issues thereof?

179. I also asked God’s people to pray for me, but I feared God would give them no desire to do so. Indeed, I trembled at the thought that one of them would soon tell me God had spoken to them. I feared he would say what he once said to the prophet about the children of Israel: Do not pray for this people, for I have rejected them. Jeremiah xi. 14. So he might say, Do not pray for him, for I have rejected him. Indeed, I thought he had already whispered this to some of them, but they did not dare tell me. Nor did I dare ask them about it. I feared that if it were true, it would drive me out of my mind. A person knows how sin begins (said Spira), but who can set limits on its consequences?

180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, He thought so too. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.

180. Around this time, I had an opportunity to confide in an elderly Christian, and I told him all about my situation. I also told him I was afraid I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost. He told me he thought so too. This gave me little comfort. But after talking with him a little longer, I found that, though he was a good man, he had little experience fighting the devil. So I went back to God, as best I could, still seeking mercy.

181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked Him to displeasure, Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way; and that was, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him, that His blessed saints enjoyed.

181. Now the tempter also began to mock me in my misery. He said, Since I had parted with the Lord Jesus and angered him, there was now only one way. Jesus would have stood between my soul and the flames of a devouring fire. That one way was to pray that God the Father would be a mediator between his Son and me. Then we might be reconciled again, and I might enjoy the blessed benefit in him that his blessed saints enjoyed.

182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind, and who can turn Him! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; Neither is there salvation in any other; for there is none other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved. Acts iv. 12.

182. Then this scripture seized my soul: He is of one mind, and who can turn him! Oh! I saw that praying for such a thing was as good as asking him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible alongside the one we already have. It was asking him to admit that what he had already done was sheer folly. It was asking him to change, even to cancel, the whole way of salvation. Then these words would tear my soul apart: There is no salvation in anyone else; for there is no other name under heaven given among people by which we must be saved. Acts iv. 12.

183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: Aye, this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of God, Whom you have parted with, Whom you have slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only One that could so love sinners, as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood; but you have no part nor lot in this Jesus: you have put Him from you; you have said in your heart, Let Him go, if He will. Now, therefore, you are severed from Him; you have severed yourself from Him: behold then His goodness, but yourself to be no partaker of it. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh! ’tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. I also trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my soul. The dread of them was upon me, and I trembled at God’s Samuels. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.

183. Now the freest, fullest, and most gracious words of the gospel tormented me most. Nothing distressed me so much as thoughts of Jesus Christ and the remembrance of a Savior. Because I had cast him off, those thoughts reminded me of my wicked sin and what I had lost. Nothing pierced my conscience like this. Whenever I thought of the Lord Jesus, it went through my soul like a sword. I thought of his grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations. For whenever I thought of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would force their way into my heart: Yes, this is Jesus, the loving Savior, the Son of God, whom you have given up, whom you have slighted, despised, and abused. This is the only Savior, the only Redeemer, the only one who could love sinners enough to wash away their sins in his own most precious blood. But you have no share or place in this Jesus. You have pushed him away. You have said in your heart, Let him go, if he will. Now, therefore, you are separated from him. You have separated yourself from him. So look at his goodness, but see that you have no share in it. Oh, I thought, what have I lost, what have I given up! What has deprived my poor soul of its inheritance! Oh, it is sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God. It is sad to have the Lamb, the Savior, become a lion and destroyer. Rev. vi. As I have said, I also trembled at the sight of God’s saints. I trembled especially at those who loved him deeply and made it their purpose to walk continually with him in this world. By their words and behavior, they condemned me. Their every expression of tenderness and fear of sinning against their precious Savior made me feel guilty. All this also brought continual distress and shame upon my soul. I was afraid of them, and I trembled at God’s Samuels. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.

184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared: for my sin was not of the nature of theirs, for Whom He bled and died; neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge, when He hanged on a tree: therefore, unless He should come down from heaven, and die anew for this sin, though indeed He did greatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of Him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.

184. Now the tempter began again to mock my soul in another way, saying, Christ did indeed pity my case, and was sorry for my loss. But because I had sinned and transgressed as I had, he could not help me in any way, or save me from what I feared. For my sin was not like the sins of those for whom he bled and died. Nor was it counted among the sins laid to his charge, when he hung on a tree. Therefore, unless he came down from heaven, and died again for this sin, I could gain no benefit from him, though he did indeed greatly pity me. These thoughts may seem ridiculous to others, just as they were ridiculous in themselves. But to me they were most tormenting. Every one of them increased my misery. For Jesus Christ had enough love to pity me, yet he could not help me. I did not think he was unable to help because his merits were weak. Nor did I think his grace and salvation had already been spent on others. Rather, I thought his faithfulness to his threat would not allow him to extend his mercy to me. Besides, as I have already hinted, I thought my sin lay outside the pardon offered in a promise. And if it did, I knew for certain that heaven and earth could pass away more easily than I could have eternal life. So all these fears arose from my firm belief that God's holy word could not be changed. They also arose from my misunderstanding of the nature of my sin.

185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again! Oh! that the work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! But this scripture would strike me down as dead; Christ being raised from the dead, dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over Him. Rom. vi. 9.

185. But oh, how much worse my suffering became when I thought I might be guilty of a sin for which he did not die! These thoughts so confused and imprisoned me, and kept me from faith, that I did not know what to do. But oh, I thought, if only he would come down again! If only Christ had not yet completed the work of redeeming humanity! How I would pray and beg him to count this sin among the others for which he died! But this scripture would strike me down as if dead: Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death has no more power over him. Rom. vi. 9.

186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way, and changed, But in all these, I was as those that jostle against the rocks; more broken, scattered and rent. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt yielding to desperation! This is the man that hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead; that is always crying out, and cutting himself with stones. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would shut him out.

186. The tempter attacked me in strange and unusual ways. My soul was like a broken vessel, driven by the winds. At times I was tossed headlong into despair. At other times I turned to the covenant of works. At still other times I wished the new covenant and its conditions could be changed where they concerned me. But in all these things, I was like someone thrown against the rocks, more broken, scattered, and torn. Oh, the unimaginable thoughts, frights, fears, and terrors that come when guilt takes full hold and gives way to despair! This is the man who lives among the tombs with the dead, always crying out, and cutting himself with stones. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But all of this was in vain. Despair will not comfort him, and the old covenant will not save him. Indeed, heaven and earth will pass away before the smallest part of the word and law of grace fails or is removed. I saw this, I felt it, and I groaned under it. Yet I gained one advantage from it. I became still more certain of the way of salvation and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh, I cannot now express what I then saw and felt of the steadfastness of Jesus Christ, the rock of humanity’s salvation. What was done could not be undone, added to, or changed. I did see that sin could drive a soul beyond Christ, even the sin that cannot be forgiven. But woe to anyone driven so far, for the word would shut him out.

187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me. Methought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creature over I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.

187. So I was always sinking, whatever I thought or did. One day I walked to a nearby town and sat down on a bench in the street. I fell into deep thought about the terrifying state my sin had brought me to. After thinking for a long time, I lifted my head. It seemed to me that the sun in heaven begrudged me its light. It was as if the very stones in the street and the tiles on the houses were turning against me. I felt that they had all joined together to banish me from the world. They hated me, and I was unfit to live among them or share in their benefits, because I had sinned against the Savior. Oh, how much happier every creature was than I! For they stood firm and kept their place, but I was gone and lost.

188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch! I had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a voice: This sin is not unto death. At which I was, as if I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, Lord, how couldst Thou find out such a word as this! For I was filled with admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before; my fears before were, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this sin is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easement to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know what my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of they.

188. Then, in the bitterness of my soul, I spoke to myself with a deep sigh: How can God comfort such a wretch! No sooner had I said this than an answer came to me, like an echo answering a voice: This sin does not lead to death. I felt as if I had been raised from the grave. I cried out again, Lord, how could you find such a word as this! I was amazed at how fitting and unexpected the words were. I marveled at their perfect timing and at the power, sweetness, light, and glory that came with them. For the time being, I no longer doubted what had troubled me so deeply before. I had feared that my sin could not be forgiven, and that I therefore had no right to pray, repent, and so on. I had also feared that, even if I did those things, they would do me no good. But now I thought, if this sin does not lead to death, then it can be forgiven. This encouraged me to come to God through Christ for mercy. It encouraged me to see the promise of forgiveness as standing with open arms to receive me as well as others. It greatly eased my mind to know that my sin could be forgiven and was not the sin that leads to death (1 John v. 16, 17). Only those who have experienced trouble like mine can know what relief this thought brought to my soul. It released me from my former bonds and sheltered me from the storm I had endured. I now seemed to stand on the same ground as other sinners. I seemed to have as much right as any of them to the word and to prayer.

189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again! But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my faith now long retain this word.

189. Now I hoped that my sin was not unforgivable and that there might be hope of forgiveness for me. But oh, how Satan attacked me, trying to bring me down again! He could not do it that day or for most of the next. This good sentence stood behind me like a mill post, supporting me. Yet toward evening on the next day, I felt these words begin to leave me and withdraw their support. So I returned to my old fears, but with much resentment and irritation, because I feared the sorrow of despair. Nor could my faith hold on to these words for long now.

190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: O Lord, I beseech Thee, show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or sounding again, I have loved thee with an everlasting love. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.

190. But the next evening, I was full of fears, so I went to seek the Lord. As I prayed, I cried out to him with all my soul: O Lord, I beg you, show me that you have loved me with an everlasting love. Jer. 31:3. As soon as I said this, a sweet answer came back to me, like an echo: I have loved you with an everlasting love. Then I went to bed at peace. When I awoke the next morning, those words were still fresh in my soul, and I believed them.

191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of Esau would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love thee for ever.

191. But the tempter did not leave me alone. That day he tried to break my peace no fewer than a hundred times. Oh, the struggles and conflicts I faced! As I tried to hold on to this word, the passage about Esau would flash before me like lightning. Sometimes my spirits rose and fell twenty times in an hour. Yet God sustained me and kept my heart fixed on this word. For several days, this word also brought me great sweetness and comforting hopes of pardon. For its meaning became clear to me: I loved you while you were committing this sin, I loved you before, I still love you, and I will love you forever.

192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.

192. Yet I saw that my sin was utterly barbaric and filthy. With great shame and astonishment, I could only conclude that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God. So I felt a great love and pity for him, and my heart yearned for him. For I saw that he was still my friend and repaid my evil with good. The love and affection burning within me for my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ stirred a fierce desire to punish myself for abusing him. To express what I felt then, if I had had a thousand gallons of blood in my veins, I would gladly have spilled it all at the command and feet of my Lord and Saviour.

193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, If Thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord, who should stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thou mayest be feared. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, That the great God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures, that rather than He would go without their love, He would pardon their transgressions.

193. As I was thinking and studying how to love the Lord and express my love to him, these words came to me: If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with you, so that you may be feared. Psalm 130:3, 4. These words were good to me, especially the last part. There is forgiveness with the Lord, so that he may be feared. At the time, I understood this to mean that he might be loved and held in reverence. For it became clear to me that the great God valued the love of his poor creatures so highly that, rather than go without their love, he would forgive their sins.

194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; That thou mayest remember and be confounded, and never open thy mouth any more, because of thy shame, when I am pacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the Lord God. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.

194. And now those words were fulfilled in me, and they refreshed me: So that you may remember and be ashamed, and never open your mouth again, because of your shame, when I am at peace with you for all that you have done, says the Lord God. Ezek. xvi. 63. So my soul was freed from the distress of my former guilt and bewilderment. At the time, I thought I was free of them forever.

195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise of life, yet unless there could be found in my refreshment, a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures, let me think what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no such thing at the end; And the scripture cannot be broken. John x. 35.

195. But within a few weeks, I began to despair again. Despite all I had enjoyed, I feared that I might be deceived and destroyed in the end. This thought came strongly into my mind: Whatever comfort and peace I thought I might find in the word of the promise of life, unless my spiritual refreshment was consistent with Scripture, whatever I thought of it, and however tightly I held on to it, I would find no such comfort and peace in the end. And Scripture cannot be broken. John x. 35.

196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. Heb. vi. 4–6. For, if we sin wilfully, after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certain fearful looking for of judgment, and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries. Heb. x. 26, 27. As Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

196. Now my heart began to ache again, and I feared that I might be disappointed in the end. So I began to examine my former comfort with all seriousness. I considered whether someone who had sinned as I had could confidently trust God's faithfulness. His faithfulness was expressed in the words that had comforted me and on which I had relied. But now these passages came to mind: For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, if they fall away, to bring them back to repentance. Heb. vi. 4, 5, 6. For, if we deliberately sin, after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin, but only a fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery anger, which will devour God's enemies. Heb. x. 26, 27. Like Esau, who sold his birthright for one meal. For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected. For he found no chance to change what he had done, though he sought the blessing earnestly with tears. Heb. xii. 16, 17.

197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy, as other people. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.

197. Now the word of the gospel was forced out of my soul. I could find no promise or encouragement in the Bible for me. And now these words troubled my spirit: Do not rejoice, O Israel, with joy, like other people. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw that those who held to Jesus had cause to rejoice. But I had cut myself off by my sins. Among all the supports and helps in the precious word of life, I had left myself no foothold or handhold.

198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This for many days. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.

198. Truly, I now felt myself sinking into an abyss, like a house whose foundation had been destroyed. I compared my condition to that of a child who had fallen into a mill pit. Though the child could manage to scramble and flounder in the water, it could find no handhold or foothold. So in the end, the child would have to die there. As soon as this fresh attack took hold of my soul, these words of scripture came into my heart: This for many days. Dan. x. 14. And indeed, I found it was so. I could not be delivered or brought to peace again until almost two and a half years had passed. These words might in themselves have discouraged me. Yet I feared that this condition would last forever, so at times they helped and comforted me.

199. For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but many days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.

199. For I thought, many days are not forever. Many days will come to an end. So, although I was to suffer not a few but many days, I was glad it was only for many days. In this way, I would sometimes collect my thoughts and find some help. For as soon as the words first came to mind, I knew my trouble would last a long time. Yet I could only find help this way sometimes. I could not always remember this, and even when I did, it did not always help me.

200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin; therefore it was but in vain to pray. Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, I will pray. ’Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: Lord, Satan tells me, that neither Thy mercy, nor Christ’s blood, is sufficient to save my soul: Lord, shall I honour Thee most, by believing Thou wilt, and canst? or him, by believing Thou neither wilt not nor canst? Lord, I would fain honour Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst.

200. Now, as the Scriptures lay before me and brought my sin home to me again, the saying in Luke 18:1, along with others, encouraged me to pray. Then the tempter attacked me fiercely again. He suggested that neither God’s mercy nor Christ’s blood had anything to do with me, nor could they help me with my sin. Therefore, it was useless to pray. Yet I thought, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin cannot be forgiven. Well, I said, I will pray. It is no use, he said. Yet I said, I will pray. So I prayed to God, and while I was praying, I said something like this: Lord, Satan tells me that neither your mercy nor Christ’s blood is enough to save my soul. Lord, will I honor you more by believing that you will and can save me? Or will I honor him by believing that you neither will nor can? Lord, I want to honor you by believing that you will and can.

201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.

201. And as I knelt before the Lord, the scripture (O man, great is your faith), Matt. 15:28, struck my heart. It was as if someone had clapped me on the back while I was on my knees before God. Yet for almost six months afterward, I could not believe that my prayer was a prayer of faith. I could not believe that I had faith, or that there was a word on which I could act in faith. So I remained caught, as it were, in the jaws of despair. I went about mourning, in a sad condition.

202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will He be favourable no more? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? Doth His promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Ps. lxxvii. 7–9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, ’Tis a question whether He hath or no: it may be He hath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.

202. There was nothing I longed for more than certainty about this question. As I desperately wanted to know whether there was indeed hope for me, these words rolled into my mind: Will the Lord cast me off forever? Will he never again show favor? Has his mercy completely gone forever? Has his promise failed forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he shut up his tender mercies in anger? Ps. 77:7-9. All the while these words ran through my mind, I seemed to hear this answer: It is a question whether he has done so or not. Perhaps he has not. Indeed, the questions seemed to assure me that he had not cast me off and would not do so, but would show favor. His promise had not failed. He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would he shut up his tender mercy in anger. Something else was on my heart at the same time, though I cannot now recall it. Together with this passage, it brought sweetness to my heart and led me to conclude that his mercy might not be completely gone, or gone forever.

203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: He is able. But methought, this word able, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a great word, it seemed to be writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.

203. I remembered another time when I was again deeply troubled by this question: Was the blood of Christ enough to save my soul? I remained in doubt from morning until about seven or eight at night. At last, I was almost worn out with fear that his blood might not reach me. Then these words suddenly sounded in my heart: He is able. It seemed to me that the word able was spoken loudly to me. It stood out as a great word, as if written in large letters. It shook my fear and doubt as nothing else ever had in my life, either before or afterward. I mean that it did so while the words stayed with me, for about a day. Heb. vii. 25.

204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, That no word of God could help me, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, My grace is sufficient. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.

204. But one morning I was praying again, trembling with fear that no word of God could help me. Then part of a sentence suddenly came to me: My grace is sufficient. At this, I felt somewhat steadied, as if there might be hope. But, oh, how good it is for God to send his word! About two weeks earlier, I had been reading this very passage. Then I thought it could bring no comfort to my soul, so I threw down my book in a fit of anger. I thought the passage was not large enough for me, no, not large enough. But now it was as if the passage had arms of grace wide enough to embrace me and many more like me.

205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau’s parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

205. These words sustained me for seven or eight weeks, though I still struggled greatly. My peace came and went, sometimes twenty times a day. I would feel comfort one moment and distress the next. I would feel peace, but before I had walked a furlong, my heart would be as full of fear and guilt as ever. And this happened not just now and then, but throughout those seven weeks. The thought of the sufficiency of grace and that of Esau’s giving up his birthright were like a pair of scales in my mind. Sometimes one side was higher, and sometimes the other. Depending on which was higher, I felt either peace or distress.

206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; My grace is sufficient: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because for thee was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

206. So I continued to pray that God would impress this scripture more fully on my heart. I prayed that he would help me apply the whole sentence to myself, for I could not yet do so. I took in what he gave me, but I could go no further. So far, My grace is sufficient only helped me hope that there might be mercy for me. Though it did no more, it answered my earlier question: there was hope. Yet I was not satisfied, because for thee was left out. So I prayed to God for those words too. One day, I was at a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror. My fears had once again taken a strong hold of me. I was thinking that my soul was no better off and that my condition was most sad and fearful. Then these words suddenly broke in upon me with great power: My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee. They came three times in a row. And oh, I thought every word was a mighty word for me: My, grace, sufficient, and for thee. They seemed far bigger than other words then, and sometimes they still do.

207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about Esau, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.

207. At that time, my understanding was so enlightened that it was as if I had seen the Lord Jesus look down at me from heaven through the roof tiles and direct these words to me. I went home mourning. The words broke my heart, filled me with joy, and humbled me to the dust. But that glory and refreshing comfort did not stay with me long. Still, the words remained with me for several weeks and encouraged me to hope. But as soon as their powerful effect on my heart faded, the other matter about Esau returned to me as before. So my soul hung again as if in a pair of scales, sometimes up and sometimes down, now at peace and soon again in terror.

208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: Why, how many scriptures are there against me? There are but three or four; And cannot God miss them, and save me for all them? Sometimes again I would think, Oh! if it were not for these three or four words, now how might I be comforted! And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.

208. So I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted and sometimes tormented. At times my torment was especially severe. All the passages from Hebrews mentioned earlier would come before me as the only words that would keep me out of heaven. Then I would again begin to regret that the thought had ever crossed my mind. I would also think: Why, how many passages of scripture are against me? There are only three or four. And can God not pass over them and save me despite them? At other times I would think, Oh! if it were not for these three or four words, how comforted I might be! Sometimes I could hardly keep myself from wishing they were not in the book.

209. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul, and John, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, All our words are truth, one of as much force as another: it is not we that have cut you of, but you have cast away yourself. There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon, but these and such as these; it is impossible, Heb. vi.; there remains no more sacrifice for sin, Heb. x. And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God, than after they had known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21. For the Scriptures cannot be broken. John x. 35.

209. Then I imagined that Peter, Paul, John, and all the writers looked at me with scorn and mocked me. It was as if they said to me, All our words are true, and each has as much force as the others. We have not cut you off, but you have cast yourself away. You must not hold on to any of our sayings, except these and others like them: it is impossible, Heb. vi. There is no longer any sacrifice for sin, Heb. x. It would have been better for them not to have known the will of God, than to turn away from the holy commandment given to them after they had known it, 2 Peter ii. 21. For the Scriptures cannot be broken. John x. 35.

210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the avenger of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.

210. I saw that these, like the elders of the city of refuge, were to judge both my case and me. I stood trembling at their gate, seeking deliverance, with the avenger of blood at my heels. I was also filled with a thousand fears and doubts, and feared they would shut me out forever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.

211. So I was confused, not knowing what to do or how to settle this question: Could the scriptures agree that my soul could be saved? I trembled at the apostles' words. I knew they were true and would stand forever.

212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of Esau, then tormented. Lord, thought I, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of them would get the better of me. So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.

212. I remember one day when I was in various states of mind. I noticed that these states reflected the different scriptures that came to mind. If a scripture about grace came to mind, I was calm. But if the scripture about Esau came to mind, I was tormented. Lord, I thought, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once, I wonder which one would overcome me. So I felt a longing for both scriptures to come to me at the same time. Indeed, I asked God to make it happen.

213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about Esau’s birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoiceth against judgment. James ii. 13.

213. Well, about two or three days later, they did indeed come. They both rushed upon me at once and struggled strangely within me for a while. At last, the thought about Esau’s birthright began to grow weak, withdraw, and vanish. The thought about the sufficiency of grace prevailed, bringing peace and joy. As I was pondering this, the words of scripture came to me: Mercy rejoices over judgment. James ii. 13.

214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8–11. Mark ix. 5–7. John vi. 37. Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.

214. This amazed me, yet I truly think it was from God. For the word of law and wrath must give way to the word of life and grace. Though the word of condemnation is glorious, the word of life and salvation is far more glorious. 2 Cor. iii. 8-11. Mark ix. 5-7. John vi. 37. Also, Moses and Elias must both vanish, leaving Christ and his saints alone.

215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; And him that cometh to Me, I will in no wise cast out. Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, in no wise! As who should say, By no means, for nothing whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, That Christ did not mean me and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not done as I had done. But I would answer him again, Satan, here is in these words no such exception; but him that comes, him, any him: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out. And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, But do you come aright? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.

215. This scripture also came to my soul with great sweetness: And whoever comes to me, I will never cast out. Oh, what comfort I found in the words never cast out! It was as if Christ said, By no means, no matter what he has done. But Satan worked hard to take this promise from me. He told me that Christ did not mean me or people like me, but sinners of a lesser kind, who had not done what I had done. But I answered him, Satan, these words make no such exception. They say whoever comes, whoever, anyone at all: whoever comes to me I will never cast out. I still remember that Satan tried every trick to take this scripture from me. Yet he never even asked, But are you coming in the right way? I have thought that he did not ask because he thought I knew very well what coming rightly meant. For I saw that coming rightly meant coming as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner. It meant throwing myself at the feet of mercy and condemning myself for my sin. If Satan and I ever struggled over any word of God in my whole life, it was over this good word of Christ. He pulled at one end, and I at the other. Oh, what a struggle we had! It was over this word in John, I say, that we pulled and struggled so hard. He pulled, and I pulled. But God be praised, I got the better of him. I found some sweetness in that word.

216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace, yet that of Esau’s selling of his birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go, if He will. Then that scripture gave me hope, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Heb. xiii. 5. ‘O Lord,’ said I, but I have left Thee. Then it answered again, But I will not leave thee. For this I thanked God also.

216. But despite all this help and these blessed words of grace, Esau’s selling of his birthright still troubled my conscience at times. Even when I had just been deeply comforted, the thought of Esau would make me afraid again. I could not get rid of it completely. It was with me every day. So I tried another approach. I considered the nature of my blasphemous thought. I considered what it would mean if I gave every word its fullest, natural force and scope. When I had done this, I found that, taken fairly, the words meant this: I had freely left it to the Lord Jesus Christ to choose whether he would be my Savior or not. For the wicked words were: Let him go, if he will. Then this scripture gave me hope: I will never leave you, nor forsake you. Heb. xiii. 5. ‘O Lord,’ I said, but I have left you. Then the scripture answered again: But I will not leave you. For this I thanked God also.

217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with Joseph’s brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.

217. Yet I was terribly afraid he would, and I found it extremely hard to trust him because I had offended him so deeply. I wished this thought had never occurred to me. Then, I thought, I could have relied on his grace much more easily and freely. I saw that I was like Joseph’s brothers. Their guilt over their own wickedness often made them fear that their brother would despise them in the end. Gen. 50. 15, 16, etc.

218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in Joshua xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then saith Moses, they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands, because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime. Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood: It was not the wilful murderer, but he who unwittingly did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not hate his neighbour before. Wherefore,

218. Yet of all the scriptures I had found, the one in Joshua 20 gave me the greatest comfort. It speaks of the slayer who was to flee for refuge. If the avenger of blood pursues the slayer, then, says Moses, the elders of the city of refuge shall not hand him over to the avenger. This is because he struck his neighbor unknowingly and had not hated him before. Oh, blessed be God for this word! I was convinced that I was the slayer. And I felt with great terror that the avenger of blood was pursuing me. Now I only had to ask whether I had the right to enter the city of refuge. So I found that a person who lay in wait to shed blood could not enter. It was not the deliberate murderer who could enter, but the one who killed unknowingly, without realizing it. He did not kill out of spite, resentment, or malice. He shed blood unknowingly. He was the one who had not hated his neighbor before. Therefore,

219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime. I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.

219. I truly believed I was the man who must enter, because I had struck my neighbor unknowingly, and had not hated him before. I had not hated him before. No, I prayed to him and was careful not to sin against him. Indeed, I had struggled against this wicked temptation for a whole year before. And when it did pass through my heart, it was against my will. So I thought I had a right to enter this city. I thought the elders, who are the apostles, were not to hand me over. This gave me great comfort and much reason to hope.

220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive, though but the least, true spiritual comfort from God though Christ? The which after I had much considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—

220. Yet I was very cautious, because my suffering had made me unsure what ground was firm enough to support me. My soul longed for an answer to one question: Could anyone who had committed the unpardonable sin still receive even the smallest amount of true spiritual comfort from God through Christ? After thinking about it carefully, I found that the answer was no. They could not, for these reasons:

221. First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort; For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin. Heb. x. 26, 27. Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: It shall never be forgiven him neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matt. xii. 32. Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark viii.

221. First, those who have committed that sin are barred from sharing in the blood of Christ. Because they are shut out from it, they have no ground for hope, and therefore no spiritual comfort. For no sacrifice for sin remains for such people. Heb. x. 26, 27. Secondly, they are denied a share in the promise of life: He will never be forgiven, either in this world or in the world to come. Matt. xii. 32. Thirdly, the Son of God also excludes them from his blessed intercession. He is forever ashamed to acknowledge them before his holy Father and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark viii.

222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.

222. After carefully considering this matter, I could only conclude that the Lord had comforted me, even after my wicked sin. So I thought I dared approach those most frightening and terrible passages of Scripture, which had terrified me all this time. Before, I had hardly dared even look at them. A hundred times, I had struggled not to wish them out of the Bible, because I thought they would destroy me. But now I began to feel somewhat encouraged to approach those passages, read them, and consider their meaning and purpose.

223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended, was a falling quite away; that is as I conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4. Secondly, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as to put Christ to an open shame. Thirdly, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance. By all these particulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.

223. When I began to do this, I found that their appearance had changed. They did not look as grim as I had thought before. First I came to the sixth chapter of Hebrews, still trembling for fear that it would strike me. But when I considered it, I found that the falling described there was a falling completely away. As I understood it, this meant turning away from and completely denying the gospel of forgiveness of sins through Jesus Christ. For the apostle begins his argument with these things in verses 1, 2, 3, and 4. Second, I found that this falling away must be public, in full view of the world. It must be done in such a way as to put Christ to open shame. Third, I found that those the apostle meant were forever confined by God in blindness, hardness of heart, and unwillingness to repent: It is impossible for them to be brought again to repentance. From all these details, I found, to God’s everlasting praise, that my sin was not the sin described in this passage.

First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.

First, I admitted that I had fallen, but not fallen away. I had not abandoned my profession of faith in Jesus for eternal life.

Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my sin, but not to open shame; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.

Second, I admitted that my sin had brought shame on Jesus Christ, but not open shame. I did not deny him before others or tell the world that he was worthless.

Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!

Thirdly, I did not find that God had shut me out or refused to let me come to him through sorrow and repentance. Though I found it very hard to come to him, God be praised for his unfathomable grace!

224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the Hebrews, and found that the wilful sin there mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too. Secondly, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, verse 28. Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.

224. Then I considered the 10th chapter of Hebrews. I found that the deliberate sin mentioned there does not mean every deliberate sin. It means rejecting Christ and then his commandments too. Secondly, this rejection must also be done openly, before two or three witnesses, to match the law in verse 28. Thirdly, this sin cannot be committed without great contempt for the Spirit of Grace. It means despising both the warnings against that sin and the appeals to do otherwise. But the Lord knows that, though my sin was devilish, it did not amount to this.

225. And as touching that in the 12th of the Hebrews, about Esau’s selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, First, that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. Secondly, It was a public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly, He continued to slight his birthright: He did eat and drink, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright, yea, twenty years after he was found to despise it still. And Esau said, I have enough, my brother, keep that thou hast unto thyself. Gen. xxxiii. 9.

225. As for the passage in Hebrews 12 about Esau’s selling his birthright, it had killed me and stood against me like a spear. Yet now I considered the following. First, Esau’s thought was not a hasty thought that went against the constant struggle in his mind. He agreed to it and acted on it, after giving it some thought, Gen. xxv. Secondly, his action was public and open, at least before his brother, if not before many others. This made his sin far more serious than it would otherwise have been. Thirdly, he continued to treat his birthright lightly: He ate and drank, and went his way. In this way Esau despised his birthright. Even twenty years later, he was found still despising it. And Esau said, I have enough, my brother, keep what you have for yourself. Gen. xxxiii. 9.

226. Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance; thus I thought: First, This was not for the birthright, but the blessing: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself; He took away my birthright (that is, formerly); and behold now he hath taken away my blessing. Gen. xxvii. 36. Secondly, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning Esau’s sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing, the eternal inheritance; for so the apostle seems to hint. Lest there be any profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; as if he should say, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they become as Esau, even be rejected afterwards, when they would inherit the blessing.

226. Now, concerning the claim that Esau sought a place of repentance, I thought this: First, he sought repentance not for the birthright, but for the blessing. This is clear from the apostle, and Esau himself makes the distinction. He took away my birthright (that is, earlier), and look, now he has taken away my blessing. Gen. xxvii. 36. Secondly, with this in mind, I returned to the apostle. I wanted to understand God’s meaning concerning Esau’s sin, in the language and sense of the New Testament. As far as I could understand, God’s meaning was this: the birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing signified the eternal inheritance. For the apostle seems to suggest this: Lest there be any profane person, like Esau, who sold his birthright for one morsel of food. It is as if the apostle were warning against anyone who would cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, which are now upon him to bring about a new birth. He warns them not to become like Esau, who was rejected afterward when he wanted to inherit the blessing.

227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as Esau, Lord, Lord, open to us; but then, as Isaac would not repent, no more will God the Father, but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and they shall be blessed; but as for you, Depart, you are the workers of iniquity. Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25–27.

227. Many people despise the things that are truly the birthright to heaven during the time of grace and mercy. Yet when the day of decision comes, they will cry as loudly as Esau, Lord, Lord, open to us. But just as Isaac would not change his mind, neither will God the Father. He will say, I have blessed these, yes, and they will be blessed. But to you he will say, Depart, you are workers of evil. Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25–27.

228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus to understand them, was not against, but according to other scriptures; this still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit, That the scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my soul. And now remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some drops did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire. I thought every voice was, Fire! fire! Every little touch would hurt my tender conscience.

228. When I had considered these scriptures, I found that my understanding agreed with other scriptures rather than conflicting with them. This encouraged and comforted me even more. It also dealt a great blow to the objection, that the scriptures could not agree on the salvation of my soul. Now only the tail end of the storm remained. The thunder had passed beyond me, and only a few drops still fell on me now and then. But my earlier fears and anguish had been so severe and deep that I was often still like someone frightened by fire. I thought every voice was crying, Fire! fire! Every little touch hurt my tender conscience.

229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is in heaven; and methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God’s right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; so that wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, He wants My righteousness; for that was just before Him. I also saw moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, The same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Heb. xiii. 8.

229. But one day, as I was walking through a field, my conscience troubled me. I feared that all might still not be right. Suddenly, these words came to my soul: Your righteousness is in heaven. At the same time, I felt that I saw Jesus Christ at God’s right hand with the eyes of my soul. There, I say, was my righteousness. So wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, He lacks my righteousness. For my righteousness was right before him. I also saw that a good state of heart did not make my righteousness better. Nor did a bad state of heart make my righteousness worse. For my righteousness was Jesus Christ himself, the same yesterday, today, and forever. Heb. xiii. 8.

230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that from that time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me: now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; so when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence; Thy righteousness is in heaven, but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30, Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption; by this word I saw the other sentence true.

230. Now my chains truly fell from my legs. I was freed from my afflictions and irons, and my temptations fled. From that time on, those dreadful passages of Scripture no longer troubled me. I went home rejoicing in the grace and love of God. When I got home, I looked for the sentence, Your righteousness is in heaven, but I could not find it. So my heart began to sink again. Then I remembered 1 Cor. i. 30: Christ Jesus, who was made by God to be our wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption. Through these words, I saw that the other sentence was true.

231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He is distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our righteousness and sanctification before God. Here therefore I lived, for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes: I was not now (only) for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a whole Christ! as He in whom all these, and all His other virtues, relations, offices and operations met together, and that He sat on the right hand of God in heaven.

231. Through this scripture, I saw that the man Christ Jesus is physically separate from us. Yet he is our righteousness and sanctification before God. For some time, I lived in sweet peace with God through Christ. Oh, I thought, Christ! Christ! I saw nothing but Christ before me. I was no longer looking only at the separate benefits of Christ, such as his blood, burial, or resurrection. Instead, I considered him as a whole Christ! In him all these and all his other virtues, relationships, offices, and actions came together. And he sat at the right hand of God in heaven.

232. ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look from myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God that now were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when their gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk at home! In Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all; all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption.

232. It was glorious to me to see how highly Christ was exalted, and how valuable and effective all his benefits were. This was because I could now look away from myself and toward him. I came to see that all God’s graces newly growing in me were like the small, worn coins rich men carry in their purses. Their gold is in their trunks at home. Oh! I saw that my gold was in my trunk at home, in Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all: all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption.

233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me in Eph. v. 30. By this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, His victory also mine. Now could I see myself in heaven and earth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person.

233. The Lord also led me into the mystery of union with the Son of God. I was joined to him, flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. The words in Eph. v. 30 were now sweet to me. This union also strengthened my faith in him as my righteousness. For if he and I were one, then his righteousness, his merits, and his victory were mine. Now I could see myself in heaven and on earth at once. I was in heaven through my Christ, my head, my righteousness and life, though my body and person were on earth.

234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should also be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so of His resurrection. Thy dead men shall live, together with My dead body shall they arise, saith He. Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, after two days He will revive us, and the third day He will raise us up, and we shall live in His sight. Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the heavens; according to that to the Ephesians, And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus. Eph. ii. 6.

234. Now I saw that God looked upon Christ Jesus as the one who represents all his elect. We should also look upon him in this way. God always considers and regards the whole body of his elect as united in Christ. Through him we fulfilled the law, died, and rose from the dead. Through him we gained victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell. When he died, we died, and when he rose, we rose. As he says, Your dead shall live, together with my dead body they shall rise. Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, after two days he will revive us, and on the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live in his sight. Hosea vi. 2. This has now been fulfilled by the Son of Man sitting down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven. As it says in Ephesians, And he has raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus. Eph. ii. 6.

235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; so that I have cause to say, Praise ye the Lord. Praise God in His sanctuary, praise Him in the firmament of His power; praise Him for His mighty acts: praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Psalm cl. 1, 2.

235. Ah! In those days, these blessed thoughts and scriptures, along with many others like them, shone brightly before my eyes. So I have reason to say, Praise the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary, praise him in his mighty heavens; praise him for his mighty acts: praise him for his surpassing greatness. Psalm 150:1, 2.

236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.

236. I have now briefly described the sorrow and suffering my soul endured because of the guilt and terror caused by my wicked thought. I have also touched on how I was delivered from it, and on the sweet and blessed comfort I found afterward. To my unspeakable wonder, that comfort remained in my heart for about a year. Now, God willing, before I go any further, I will briefly explain what I believe caused this temptation. Then I will describe how it ultimately benefited my soul.

237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keep me from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come.

237. I believed there were two main causes. Throughout this trouble, I was deeply convinced of both. The first was that, after God delivered me from the previous temptation, I did not continue to pray for protection from future temptations. In truth, I prayed a great deal before this trial came upon me. Yet I prayed only, or at least mainly, for relief from my present troubles and for fresh revelations of his love in Christ. I later saw that this was not enough. I should also have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil to come.

238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy David, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; Then, saith he, shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation.

238. The prayer of holy David made me deeply aware of this. Though he was enjoying God's mercy, he prayed that God would keep him from future sin and temptation. Then, he said, I shall be upright, and I shall be innocent of the great transgression. Psalm 19:13. These very words troubled and condemned me throughout this long temptation.

239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. This I had not done, and therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, Pray that ye enter not into temptation. And truly this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.

239. Another passage also deeply convicted me of my folly in neglecting this duty. Hebrews 4:16 says: Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy, and find grace to help us in our time of need. I had not done this, and so I was allowed to sin and fall. As the scripture says, Pray that you do not enter into temptation. Even today, this weighs so heavily on me and fills me with such awe that, when I come before the Lord, I dare not rise from my knees until I ask him for help and mercy against the temptations to come. And I beg you, reader, to learn from the afflictions my neglect brought upon me. For days, months, and years, I endured them with sorrow.

240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if Thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife, and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night (and now were her pangs just upon her), then I shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart.

240. Another cause of this temptation was that I had tested God. This is how I did it. Once, my wife was heavily pregnant. Before her due date, she had fierce, strong pains like those of a woman in labor. It seemed as if she would go into labor immediately and give birth prematurely. At this very time, I had been strongly tempted to question whether God existed. So, as my wife lay crying beside me, I spoke as secretly as possible, thinking in my heart, Lord, if you will now take this sad suffering away from my wife, and keep her from being troubled by it again tonight (her pains were upon her just then), then I shall know that you can see the most secret thoughts of the heart.

241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.

241. No sooner had I said it in my heart than her pains left her. She fell into a deep sleep and slept until morning. I was amazed and did not know what to think. But after I had been awake for a good while and heard no more cries from her, I fell asleep too. When I woke in the morning, I remembered what I had said in my heart the night before. I also remembered how the Lord had shown me that he knew my secret thoughts. This astonished me for several weeks afterward.

242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart, even this thought, Let Christ go, if He will: so when I was fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart.

242. Well, about a year and a half later, the wicked, sinful thought I spoke of earlier passed through my wicked heart: Let Christ go, if he will. When I felt guilty about this, I also remembered my other thought and its effect. That memory came with a rebuke: Now you can see that God knows the most secret thoughts of the heart.

243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord, and His servant Gideon, fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God.

243. Along with this, I was reminded of what passed between the Lord and his servant Gideon. Gideon tested God with his fleece, first wet and then dry. He should instead have believed God’s word and acted on it. Because of this, the Lord later tested him by sending him against countless enemies. To all outward appearances, Gideon had no strength or help. Judges vi. 7. God dealt with me in the same way, and justly. I should have believed his word instead of putting an if upon God’s ability to see all things.

244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God, did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as the continual breaking of my bones.

244. Now I will show you some of the benefits I gained from this temptation. First, it gave me a constant and wonderful sense of the blessing and glory of God and his beloved Son. During the earlier temptation, my soul had been troubled by unbelief, blasphemy, and hardness of heart. I had also questioned whether God and Christ existed, whether the word was true, and whether the world to come was certain. I was then greatly attacked and tormented by atheism, but now things were different. God and Christ were constantly before me, not as a comfort, but as a source of extreme dread and terror. The glory of God’s holiness broke me to pieces. Christ’s tender compassion broke me as if I were being tortured on the wheel. For I could only think of him as a Christ I had lost and rejected. Remembering that was like having my bones broken again and again.

245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; those that the scriptures favour, they must inherit bliss; but those that they oppose and condemn, must perish for evermore: Oh! this word, For the scriptures cannot be broken, would rend the caul of my heart: and so would that other, Whose sins ye remit, they are remitted; but whose sins ye retain, they are retained. Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger of blood.

245. The scriptures also filled me with wonder. I saw that their truth and certainty were the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Those whom the scriptures favor must inherit bliss. But those whom the scriptures oppose and condemn must perish forever. Oh! The words For the scriptures cannot be broken would tear at the covering of my heart. So would these other words: Whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven; but whose sins you retain, they are retained. Now I saw the apostles as the elders of the city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those whom the apostles were to receive were received into life. But those whom they shut out were to be killed by the avenger of blood.

246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!

246. Oh! A single sentence of Scripture that seemed to stand against me troubled and terrified me more than an army of forty thousand men coming against me. Sometimes I thought every sentence stood against me. Woe to the person against whom the Scriptures turn!

247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force and latitude.

247. This temptation helped me understand the nature of the promises more deeply than ever before. I lay trembling under God’s mighty hand, continually torn apart by the thunder of his justice. Because of this, I turned every page with a careful heart, a watchful eye, and great fear. With diligence and trembling, I considered every sentence, along with its full meaning and scope.

248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its comfort, but now ’twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.

248. This temptation also kept me from my former foolish habit of pushing aside the word of promise when it came to mind. Now I could not draw the same comfort and sweetness from the promise as I had at other times. Yet, like a sinking man, I would grasp at everything I saw. Before, I thought I must not lay hold of the promise unless I felt its comfort. But now was no time for that. The avenger of blood was pursuing me too closely.

249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: And him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out. John vi. 37. Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.

249. So now I was glad to grasp that word, though I still feared I had no grounds or right to claim it. I was even glad to leap into the embrace of that promise, though I still feared it had shut its heart against me. Now I also tried to take the word as God had given it, without limiting the natural force of a single syllable. Oh, what I now saw in that blessed sixth chapter of John: And whoever comes to me, I will never cast out. John vi. 37. Now I began to consider that God has a bigger mouth to speak with than I have a heart to understand with. I also thought that he did not speak his words hastily or in the heat of the moment. Rather, he spoke with infinite wisdom and judgment, and with complete truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.

250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at other times, look principally for comfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!). But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not sink for ever! ’twas that I hunted for.

250. In those days, when my agony was greatest, I would often struggle toward the promise. I was like a horse stuck in the mud, struggling toward firm ground. Though I was nearly out of my mind with fear, I resolved to rest and depend on this promise. I would leave its fulfillment to the God of heaven who made it. Oh, how many struggles my heart had with Satan over that blessed sixth chapter of John! This time, unlike other times, I was not mainly looking for comfort, though, oh, how welcome it would have been! I was looking for a word, a word for my weary soul to lean on, so that it might not sink forever.

251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 16. I thought also of Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5–8, etc., were great encouragements unto me.

251. Yes, often, as I approached the promise, it seemed that the Lord would reject my soul forever. I often felt as if I had run onto a row of spears. It seemed as if the Lord were thrusting at me with a flaming sword to keep me from him. Then I would think of Esther, who went to appeal to the king against the law. Esther iv. 16. I also thought of Benhadad’s servants, who went to their enemies with ropes on their heads to beg for mercy. 1 Kings xx. 31, etc. I was greatly encouraged, too, by the woman of Canaan. She would not be discouraged, though Christ called her a dog. Matt. xv. 22, etc. I was also greatly encouraged by the man who went to borrow bread at midnight. Luke xi. 5-8, etc.

252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had twice as much as he had before. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.

252. I never saw such heights and depths of grace, love, and mercy as I did after this temptation. Great sins draw out great grace. Where guilt is most terrible and fierce, God’s mercy in Christ appears highest and mightiest when it is shown to the soul. When Job had come through his captivity, he had twice as much as he had before. Job 42:10. Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. I could make many other observations here, but I want to be brief, so I will leave them out for now. I pray that my suffering may make others afraid to sin, lest they too have to bear the iron yoke as I did.

I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.

Two or three times, around the time I was freed from this temptation, I had such extraordinary glimpses of God's grace that I could hardly bear them. The thought that his grace could reach me was so overwhelmingly amazing. I think that if that feeling had lasted long, I would have been unable to go about my business.

253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord’s dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His death, that scripture, Do this in remembrance of Me, Luke xxii. 19, was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was, because I did not with that reverence that became me at first, approach to partake thereof.

253. Now I will go on to tell you how the Lord dealt with me at other times, and what temptations I faced. I will begin with what happened when I first joined the fellowship of God’s people in Bedford. I told the church that I wanted to follow Christ’s order and ordinances with them, and they accepted me. I thought about that blessed ordinance of Christ, his last supper with his disciples before his death. The words of scripture, Do this in remembrance of Me, Luke xxii. 19, became very precious to me. Through them, the Lord came down upon my conscience and revealed that he had died for my sins. I felt as if he had plunged me into the power of his death. But I had not taken part in the ordinance for long before fierce and distressing temptations came upon me whenever I took part. I was tempted to blaspheme the ordinance and to wish something deadly on those who were eating. I feared that I might consent to these wicked and dreadful thoughts. So I had to give myself to prayer throughout the ordinance, asking God to keep me from such blasphemies. I also cried out to God to bless the bread and cup for the people, as they passed from mouth to mouth. Since then, I have thought that this temptation came because I did not approach the ordinance with proper reverence at first.

254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before: and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body, as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.

254. I continued like this for nine months and could find no rest or relief. But at last, the Lord came to my soul through the same scripture that had reached me before. Since then, I have usually felt well and comforted when taking part in that blessed ordinance. And I trust that, in it, I have recognized the Lord’s body as broken for my sins and his precious blood as shed for my transgressions.

255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.

255. At one time, I was showing signs of consumption. Around spring, the illness suddenly struck me with great force and left my body very weak. I thought I could not live. So I began again to examine my spiritual condition and my prospects for the future. I also examined the evidence that I would enter that blessed world to come. I bless the name of God that I have always made it my practice to keep my claim to life after death clearly before my eyes, especially in times of affliction.

256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at the end of all, Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these tokens of a blessed man?

256. But as soon as I began to remember how good God had been to my soul, countless sins and transgressions crowded into my mind. Some of them troubled me most at that time. I felt lifeless, dull, and cold in my religious duties. My heart wandered, and I grew weary of all good things. I lacked love for God, his ways, and his people. And after all these thoughts came the questions: Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are these signs of a blessed man?

257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, Live I must not, die I dare not. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, Ye are justified freely by His grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!

257. When I realized these things, my sickness grew twice as severe. For now I was sick inwardly, and my soul was burdened with guilt. My past experience of God’s goodness to me was completely gone from my mind. It was hidden as if it had never happened or been seen. My soul was now painfully caught between two thoughts: I must not live, I dare not die. My spirit sank, and I was giving up all as lost. But as I walked up and down the house in utter misery, a word of God took hold of my heart: You are justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! What a change those words brought about in me!

258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest, that because thy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold My Son is by me, and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with Him. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.

258. I was like someone waking from a troubled sleep and dream. As I listened to this heavenly statement, it was as if I heard it explained to me: Sinner, you think that because of your sins and weaknesses, I cannot save your soul. But look, my Son is beside me, and I look at him, not at you, and I will deal with you according to how pleased I am with him. At this, my mind felt greatly relieved. I came to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time. He had only to look at Christ and credit his benefits to us, and the work was done at once.

259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, Not by works of righteousness that we have done, but according to His mercy He hath saved us, etc. 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, Let me die: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw We shall never live indeed, till we be gone to the other world. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, Heirs of God, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: Heirs of God! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

259. As I was thinking about this, another scripture came to me with great power: Not because of righteous works we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, etc. 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now I felt lifted up. I saw myself held in the arms of grace and mercy. Before this, I had been afraid to think of the hour of my death. But now I cried, Let me die. Now death seemed lovely and beautiful to me. For I saw that we will never truly live until we have gone to the other world. Oh, I thought, this life is only a sleep compared with life above. At this time, I also saw more in the words heirs of God, Rom. viii. 17, than I can ever express while I live in this world. Heirs of God! God himself is what the saints inherit. I saw this and marveled, but I cannot tell you what I saw.

260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of God’s goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel’s carrying Lazarus into Abraham’s bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? 1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.

260. Another time, when I was very ill and weak, the tempter again attacked me fiercely throughout my illness. I find that he is especially eager to attack the soul as it approaches the grave. That is his opportunity. He tried to hide from me my past experience of God’s goodness. He also set before me the terrors of death and God’s judgment. I feared that, if I died then, I would be lost forever. Because of this fear, I was like someone already dead. I felt as if I were already descending into the pit. I seemed to say, There is no other way. I must go to hell. But just as I was in the midst of those fears, the words about the angel carrying Lazarus into Abraham’s bosom flashed into my mind. They seemed to say, So it will be with you when you leave this world. This thought sweetly revived my spirit and helped me to hope in God. After I had reflected on it with comfort for a while, these words came powerfully to my mind: O death, where is your sting? O grave, where is your victory? 1 Cor. xv. 55. At once, I became well in both body and mind. My sickness immediately vanished, and I went about my work for God again with comfort.

261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by Christ; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.

261. At another time, although my spirit had just been feeling quite well and full of spiritual warmth, a great cloud of darkness suddenly fell upon me. It hid the things of God and Christ from me so completely that I felt as if I had never seen or known them. My soul was also overcome by such a numb and lifeless spirit that I could not feel it move or stir in pursuit of grace and life through Christ. I felt as if my back were broken, or as if my hands and feet were bound with chains. At this time, I also felt some physical weakness come over me, which made my spiritual suffering even heavier and more distressing.

262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, I must go to Jesus. At this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus? She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, And to an innumerable company of angels; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount Sion, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22–24.

262. After I had been in this condition for about three or four days, I was sitting by the fire. Suddenly, I felt these words sound in my heart: I must go to Jesus. At once, my former darkness and atheism vanished, and the blessed things of heaven came into view. Caught by surprise, I said, “Wife, is there such a verse in Scripture as I must go to Jesus?” She said she did not know. So I sat thinking, trying to remember such a passage. I had sat there no more than two or three minutes when these words suddenly came to me: And to an innumerable company of angels. At the same time, the passage in Hebrews twelve about Mount Sion came before my eyes. Heb. xii. 22 to 24.

263. Then with joy I told my wife, O! now I know, I know! But that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of God’s people, that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.

263. Then I joyfully told my wife, Oh! now I know, I know! That night was a good night for me. I have had few better. I longed to be with some of God’s people so I could share what God had shown me. Christ was precious to my soul that night. I could hardly stay in bed for joy, peace, and triumph through Christ. This great glory did not last until morning. Yet Hebrews 12:22–23 was a blessed passage for me for many days afterward.

264. The words are these: Ye are come to mount Sion, and unto the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, to the general assembly and church of the first-born, which are written in heaven; and to God the Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel. Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.

264. These are the words: You have come to Mount Sion, and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to a countless company of angels, to the great gathering and church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven, and to God, the Judge of all, and to the spirits of righteous people made perfect, and to Jesus, the Mediator of the New Covenant, and to the sprinkled blood, which speaks of better things than the blood of Abel. The Lord led me through this blessed passage again and again, first to one word, then to another. He showed me wonderful glory in every word. Since then, these words have often refreshed my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.

265. And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God’s dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints with us, I say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worth to understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word, and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw to others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto them.

265. Now that I am speaking of my experience, I will say a little about my preaching and how God dealt with me in that work. About five or six years had passed since I was awakened. I had been helped to see both my need for Jesus Christ our Lord and his worth. I had also been enabled to entrust my soul to him. Some of the most able believers among us thought that God had found me worthy to understand something of his will in his holy and blessed word. I mean those most able in judgment and holiness of life. They also thought he had given me some ability to express what I understood, so that others might be built up. So they urged me earnestly to speak a word of encouragement to them at some of their meetings.

266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented to their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private), though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.

266. At first, their request greatly distressed and embarrassed me. But they kept asking and urging me, so I agreed. At two separate meetings, both in private, I showed them my gift, though I did so with much weakness and frailty. They not only seemed moved and comforted, but solemnly declared before the great God that they were. They also thanked the Father of mercies for the grace he had given me.

267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the country to teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.

267. After this, some of them sometimes went into the countryside to teach and asked me to go with them. Although I still did not dare to use my gift openly, I sometimes spoke words of warning privately. I did this among the good people in those places. Like the others, they received my words with joy at God’s mercy toward me. They said their souls had been strengthened by what I said.

268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.

268. So, to be brief, the church continued to ask me to preach. At last, after solemn prayer to the Lord and fasting, I was formally called and appointed to preach the word more regularly and publicly. I was to preach not only to those who believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet accepted its faith. About that time, I felt a quiet urging in my mind to do this. Yet I thank God that it was not a desire for empty praise. For at that time, I was suffering terribly from the devil's fiery darts concerning my eternal state.

269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians: I beseech you, brethren (ye know the household of Stephanas, that it is the first fruits of Achaia, and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints) that ye submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpeth with us, and laboureth. 1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.

269. But I could not be content unless I was using my gift. I was greatly encouraged to use it by the constant desires of the godly. I was also encouraged by what Paul said to the Corinthians: I urge you, brothers (you know the household of Stephanas, that they were the first converts in Achaia, and that they have devoted themselves to serving the saints) to submit yourselves to such people and to everyone who helps and works with us. 1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.

270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do. They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints. This scripture, in these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; I have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the word, and other ancient histories: Acts viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1 Pet. iv. 10; Rom. xii. 6; Fox’s Acts and Mon.

270. This passage showed me that the Holy Ghost never intended people to bury their gifts and abilities in the ground. Instead, he commanded and urged them to use their gifts. He also praised those who were willing and ready to do so. They have devoted themselves to serving the saints. In those days, this passage kept running through my mind. It encouraged and strengthened me in my work for God. I have also been encouraged by several other passages and by the examples of godly people, both in the Bible and in other ancient histories: Acts viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc., 1 Pet. iv. 10, Rom. xii. 6, Fox’s Acts and Mon.

271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the holy word of truth: which when the country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts.

271. Therefore, although I was the most unworthy of all the saints, I undertook the work. But I did so with great fear and trembling, because I saw my own weakness. I preached the blessed gospel God had shown me in the holy word of truth, according to my gift and the measure of my faith. When people in the countryside learned of this, they came from all parts to hear the word. They came by the hundreds, though for many different reasons.

272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched, and be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.

272. And I thank God that he gave me some compassion and pity for their souls. This led me to work diligently and earnestly to find a message that, if God blessed it, might stir and awaken their consciences. The good Lord also honored his servant’s desire. For I had not preached long before some began to be moved. They became deeply troubled as they realized the greatness of their sin and their need for Jesus Christ.

273. But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus were touched, would love me and have a particular respect for me; and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints of God: they would also bless God for me (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count me God’s instrument that showed to them the way of salvation.

273. At first, I could not believe that God would speak through me to anyone’s heart. I still considered myself unworthy. Yet those whose hearts were touched loved me and held me in special regard. Though I rejected the idea that I had awakened them, they kept saying that I had. They affirmed it before God’s people. They also thanked God for me (unworthy wretch that I am!) and considered me God’s instrument in showing them the way of salvation.

274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned in His work such a foolish one as I; and then came that word of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, The blessing of him that was ready to perish, is come upon me; and I caused the widow’s heart to sing for joy. Job xxix. 13.

274. I saw that they were constant in both their words and deeds. They also earnestly sought in their hearts to know Jesus Christ, and rejoiced that God had sent me to them. So I began to think that God might indeed have accepted such a foolish person as I was in his work. Then these words of God came to my heart and brought me sweet comfort: The blessing of the one who was ready to perish, has come upon me, and I made the widow’s heart sing for joy. Job 29:13.

275. At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and encouragement to me: for I thought on those sayings, Who is He then that maketh me glad, but the same which is made sorry by Me? 2 Cor. ii. 2. And again, If I be not an Apostle to others, yet doubtless, I am unto you: for the seal of mine apostleship are ye in the Lord. 1 Cor. ix. 2. These things, therefore, were as another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood by me in this work.

275. So I rejoiced at this. Indeed, the tears of those whom God awakened through my preaching comforted and encouraged me. For I thought of these words: Who then makes me glad, but the one whom I have made sorry? 2 Cor. ii. 2. And again, If I am not an apostle to others, yet surely, I am one to you: for you are the seal of my apostleship in the Lord. 1 Cor. ix. 2. These things gave me further reason to believe that God had called me to this work and stood by me in it.

276. In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege, that the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because of sin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy on my conscience: I preached what I felt, what I smartingly did feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to astonishment.

276. In my preaching of the word, I paid special attention to one thing. The Lord led me to begin where his word begins with sinners, by condemning all flesh. I explained and declared that, because of sin, God’s curse under the law falls upon all people as they enter the world. I carried out this part of my work with deep feeling. The terrors of the law and guilt for my sins weighed heavily on my conscience. I preached what I felt, what I felt so painfully. My poor soul groaned and trembled in overwhelming fear under that burden.

277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. I can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work; and then immediately, even before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work.

277. Indeed, I have been like someone sent to them from the dead. I myself went in chains to preach to people in chains. I carried in my own conscience the fire I urged them to beware of. I can say truthfully, without pretending, that I have gone to preach full of guilt and terror, right up to the pulpit door. There, the guilt and terror have been lifted from me, and my mind has been free until I finished my work. Then, immediately, even before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as before. Yet God carried me on, surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could keep me from my work.

278. Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against men’s sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which, the Lord came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and comfort through Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace through Him; wherefore now I altered in my preaching (for still I preached what I saw and felt); now therefore I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. On these things also I staid as long as on the other.

278. For two years, I continued to preach against people’s sins and the terrible condition those sins placed them in. Afterward, the Lord brought some lasting peace and comfort to my soul through Christ. He gave me many joyful glimpses of his blessed grace through Christ. So my preaching changed, because I always preached what I saw and felt. I now worked hard to present Jesus Christ to the world in all his roles, relationships, and benefits. I also tried to expose, condemn, and remove the false supports on which the world relies. By relying on them, the world falls and perishes. I continued preaching about these things for as long as I had preached about the others.

279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also. And, when I had travelled through these three chief points of the word of God, about the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present practice, and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.

279. After this, God led me to understand something of the mystery of union with Christ. So I shared what I had discovered with them as well. I spent about five years or more teaching these three chief points of the word of God. Then I was arrested while preaching and thrown into prison. I have remained there more than twice as long as I spent preaching. Through my suffering, I have confirmed the truth, just as I previously testified to it by preaching according to the Scriptures.

280. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to God that He would make the word effectual to the salvation of the soul; still being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the conscience, and so it should become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour to speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty might be particularized by it.

280. When I preached, I often prayed in my heart throughout this and the other exercise, and I thank God for it. I prayed with great earnestness that he would make the word effective in saving souls. I was always troubled by the thought that the enemy might take the word away from the conscience, making it unfruitful. So I tried to speak the word in a way that, if possible, would identify the sin and the person guilty of it.

281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wishing from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him. And indeed, I did often say in my heart before the Lord, That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes, would be a means to awaken them, and confirm them in the truth, I gladly should be contented.

281. When I finished preaching, it pained me to think that the word might fall like rain on stony ground. I always wished with all my heart that those who had heard me that day could see what I saw. I wished they could see what sin, death, hell, and God's curse are. I also wished they could see God's grace, love, and mercy through Christ toward people like them, who were still estranged from him. Indeed, I often said in my heart before the Lord, That if being hanged at once before their eyes would awaken them and confirm them in the truth I would gladly accept it.

282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the conscience of others; that I could not be contented with saying, I believe, and am sure; methought I was more than sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those things which then I asserted, were true.

282. When I have preached, especially about life through Christ without works, I have felt encouraged. It was as if an angel of God stood behind me to encourage me. Oh, as I worked to explain and demonstrate this truth and impress it on the consciences of others, it had such power and heavenly evidence in my own soul. I could not be content to say, I believe, and am sure. It seemed to me that I was more than sure, if I may say so, that the things I was declaring were true.

283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and priests of the country did open wide against me. But I was persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to see how many of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ: for, thought I, This shall answer for me in time to come, when they shall be for my hire before their face. Gen. xxx. 33.

283. When I first went out to preach the word, the country’s learned men and priests spoke out fiercely against me. But I was determined not to return insults for insults. Instead, I would see how many of their worldly professing Christians I could convince of their miserable condition through the law. I would also show them their need for Christ and his worth. For I thought, This will speak for me in the future, when they stand before their leaders as my reward. Gen. 30:33.

284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they engendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God to be His: besides, I saw my work before me did run into another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.

284. I never cared to get involved in matters disputed among believers, especially matters of the least importance. Yet I took great pleasure in arguing earnestly for the word of faith and forgiveness of sins through Jesus' death and sufferings. But I left other matters alone because I saw that they caused strife. I also saw that doing or not doing these things did not make us acceptable to God as his own. Besides, I saw that the work before me was of a different kind: to bring a message that would awaken people. So I stuck to that work.

285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men’s lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and best established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of scripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.

285. I never tried or dared to use other men’s work, Rom. xv. 18. Though I do not condemn everyone who does. For I truly believed, and found through experience, that I could speak, defend, and stand by what Christ’s word and Spirit taught me with the soundest and most settled conscience. And though I will not now say all I know about this matter, my experience has more to do with the scripture in Gal. i. 11, 12, than many people realize.

286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their loss hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten of my own body, had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may speak it without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of God by this, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! He which converteth the sinner from the error of his way, shall save a soul from death. James v. 20. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise. Prov. xi. 30. They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they that turn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever and ever. Dan. xii. 3. For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming? For ye are our glory and joy. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, I say, with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.

286. If any who were awakened by my ministry later fell back, as sometimes too many did, I can truly say that their loss grieved me deeply. It grieved me more than if one of my own children were going to the grave. I believe I can say, without offending the Lord, that nothing has hurt me so deeply, except perhaps the fear of losing the salvation of my own soul. In the places where my spiritual children were born, I felt as though I owned fine buildings and estates. My heart was so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work that I considered myself more blessed and honored by God through it than if he had made me emperor of the Christian world, or lord of all the glory of the earth without it! Oh, these words! Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death. James v. 20. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and whoever wins souls is wise. Prov. xi. 30. Those who are wise will shine like the brightness of the sky, and those who turn many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever and ever. Dan. xii. 3. For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? Is it not you, in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at his coming? For you are our glory and joy. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These words, and many others like them, have been a great comfort to me.

287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to desire I might preach there: I have also observed, that such and such souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.

287. I have noticed that, wherever I had work to do for God, he first seemed to move my spirit to desire to preach there. I have also noticed that certain people were laid strongly on my heart, and I was moved to wish for their salvation. Afterward, these very people were given to me as the fruit of my ministry. I have noticed that a word spoken in passing has sometimes had more effect than everything else in a sermon. Sometimes, too, when I thought I was doing no good, I did the most good of all. At other times, when I thought I would catch them, I fished for nothing.

288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word: I could instance particulars, but I forbear.

288. I have also observed that wherever there has been work to do among sinners, the devil has begun to roar. He roars in the hearts of his servants and through their mouths. Indeed, when the wicked world has raged most fiercely, souls have often been awakened by the word. I could give specific examples, but I will not.

289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also; Yea, so have I strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was named, lest I should build upon another man’s foundation. Rom. xv. 20.

289. In my ministry, my great desire was to go to the darkest places in the country. I especially wanted to reach people farthest from professing faith. Yet this was not because I could not bear the light. I was not afraid to share my gospel with anyone. Rather, I found that my heart was drawn most to awakening and converting people. The message I brought was also best suited to that work. Yes, I have strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ was already named, so that I would not build on another man's foundation. Rom. xv. 20.

290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that: Lo! children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is His reward.—As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate. Psalm cxxvii. 3–5.

290. When I preached, I truly felt pain, as if I were in labor, bringing forth children for God. I could not be satisfied unless my work showed some fruit. If I was fruitless, it did not matter who praised me. But if I was fruitful, I did not care who condemned me. I have thought of this: Look! Children are an inheritance from the Lord. The fruit of the womb is his reward. Like arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are children born in one's youth. Happy is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be ashamed, but will speak with their enemies at the gate. Psalm 127:3-5.

291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I counted blessed.

291. It gave me no pleasure to see people eagerly accept opinions if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ and the value of their own salvation. What delighted me was a deep conviction of sin, especially unbelief, and a burning desire to be saved by Christ. I delighted, too, in a strong longing for a truly sanctified soul. Those who had these things were the souls I counted blessed.

292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.

292. But in this work, as in all others, I faced temptations of various kinds. Sometimes I was deeply discouraged, fearing that I would not be able to say a single word that would help others. I feared I would not even be able to speak sensibly to the people. At such times, a strange faintness and weakness would seize my body. My legs could scarcely carry me to the place where I was to speak.

293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my exercise.

293. Sometimes, while preaching, I have been violently attacked by blasphemous thoughts. I have been strongly tempted to speak those words aloud before the congregation. At other times, I have begun to preach the word with great clarity, conviction, and freedom of speech. Yet before I finished, I became so confused and disconnected from what I was saying that I struggled to speak before the people. It was as if I did not know or remember what I was doing. It was as if my head had been in a bag the whole time I was preaching.

294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter suggest, What! will you preach this! This condemns yourself; of this your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all; or if you do, yet so mince it, as to make way for your own escape; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guilt upon your own soul, that you will never get from under.

294. Again, sometimes I have been about to preach on a sharp and searching passage of Scripture. Then I have found the tempter suggesting: What! Will you preach on this passage! It condemns you yourself. Your own soul is guilty of this sin. So do not preach on it at all. Or if you do, soften it enough to leave yourself a way out. Otherwise, instead of awakening others, you will burden your own soul with guilt that you will never escape.

295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: Let me die (thought I), with the Philistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God. Thou that teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be God for His help also in this.

295. But I thank the Lord that I have been kept from giving in to these horrible suggestions. Instead, like Sampson, I have exerted all my strength to condemn sin and wrongdoing wherever I found it. I did this even though it also brought guilt upon my own conscience. Let me die (I thought), with the Philistines, Judges 16:29, 30, rather than corrupt the blessed word of God. You who teach others, do you not teach yourself? It is far better to judge yourself by preaching plainly to others than to suppress the truth in unrighteousness to save yourself. Blessed be God for his help in this also.

296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare not say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been my every day’s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of God to me.

296. While engaged in this blessed work of Christ, I have often been tempted to pride and an exalted heart. I dare not say that I have been free from this temptation. Yet truly, in his precious mercy, the Lord has dealt with me so that I have mostly found little joy in giving way to it. For every day I have been shown the evil of my own heart. I have continually seen so much corruption and weakness there that I have hung my head despite all my gifts and attainments. I have felt that this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, was the very mercy of God to me.

297. I have also had, together with this, some notable place or other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath been of great use to me: Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, and a tinkling cymbal. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.

297. Along with this, some striking passage of Scripture has also come to mind. It has contained a sharp and piercing warning that a soul can perish despite its gifts and abilities. For example, this passage has been very useful to me: Though I speak in the tongues of men and angels, and do not have love, I have become like sounding brass, and a clanging cymbal. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.

298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon it.

298. A tinkling cymbal is a musical instrument. A skilled player can use it to make such beautiful and stirring music that all who hear it can hardly keep from dancing. Yet the cymbal has no life, and the music comes not from the cymbal itself but from the skill of the player. So the instrument may eventually come to nothing and perish, though such music was once made with it.

299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of David: and as David could with the cymbal make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding cymbals.

299. I saw that this is just how it is, and will be, with those who have gifts but lack saving grace. They are in Christ’s hand like the cymbal in David’s hand. David could use the cymbal to make joyful music in God’s service and lift the hearts of the worshippers. In the same way, Christ can use these gifted men to move the souls of his people in his church. Yet when he has done all this, he can hang them aside as lifeless cymbals, though they still make a sound.

300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain-glory. What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass? Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of God in it than these? Besides, I knew ’twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of God, is better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.

300. This thought, along with some others, was for the most part like a hammer blow to my pride and desire for empty praise. I thought, should I be proud because I am like a sounding brass instrument? Is it such a great thing to be a fiddle? Doesn’t the smallest living creature have more of God in it than these instruments? Besides, I knew that love would never die, but these gifts must cease and vanish. So I concluded that a little grace, a little love, and a little true fear of God are better than all the gifts. Indeed, I am fully convinced that some people may have a thousand times more grace than others who can speak like angels because of their gift of knowledge. Those people may have more grace even though they can hardly give someone an answer without great confusion in how they order their thoughts. And so they may also enjoy more of the Lord’s love and favor.

301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in themselves were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the edification of others; yet empty, and without power to save the soul of him that hath them, if they be alone: neither are they, as so, any sign of a man’s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.

301. So I came to understand that gifts are good for their intended purpose, which is to build up others. But if they stand alone, they are empty and have no power to save the soul of the person who has them. Nor are gifts in themselves a sign that a person is in a blessed state. They are only something God grants to some people. When a little more love has passed, those people must give an account of how they used or failed to use their gifts. They must give that account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead.

302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil.

302. This also showed me that gifts alone were dangerous. They were not dangerous in themselves, but because of the evils that accompany those who have them. These include pride, the desire for empty praise, self-importance, and so on. All these evils were easily stirred up by the applause and praise of any thoughtless Christian. This put the poor creature in danger of falling under the devil’s condemnation.

303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall short of the grace of God.

303. I saw, therefore, that anyone who has gifts needs to understand their nature. These gifts cannot make a person truly saved. Otherwise, that person may rely on the gifts and so fall short of the grace of God.

304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.

304. He also has reason to walk humbly with God and think little of himself. He should remember that his gifts are not his own, but the church’s. Through those gifts, he is made a servant to the church. He must also give the Lord Jesus an account of his stewardship at the end. It will be a blessed thing to give a good account.

305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace; for that is a certain forerunner of glory.

305. Therefore, let everyone value having little along with the fear of the Lord. Gifts are indeed desirable, but great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It does not say that the Lord gives gifts and glory, but that the Lord gives grace and glory. Blessed is the person to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace, for true grace is a sure sign that glory will follow.

306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow the ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches: now therefore I may say, that what the devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make my ministry to be abandoned.

306. But Satan saw that tempting and attacking me in this way would not achieve his purpose. He wanted to overthrow my ministry and prevent it from accomplishing its purpose. So he tried another way. He stirred up ignorant and malicious people to heap slander and insults on me. Now I may say that whatever the devil could devise and his agents could invent was spread throughout the country against me. As I said, they thought that by doing so they could make people abandon my ministry.

307. It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.

307. So rumors began to spread among the people that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highway robber, and the like.

308. To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent. But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for all these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless God shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all my heart.

308. To all this, I will only say that God knows I am innocent. But let my accusers prepare to meet me before the judgment seat of the Son of God. There they must answer for all these things, along with all their other sins, unless God grants them repentance. I pray with all my heart that he will.

309. But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that I had my misses, my whores, my bastards; yea, two wives at once, and the like. Now these slanders (with the others) I glory in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God. Blessed are ye (said the Lord Jesus) when men shall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for My sake; rejoice and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. Matt. iv. 11.

309. But the accusations made with the greatest confidence were that I had my mistresses, my whores, my children born outside marriage. They even claimed I had two wives at once, and said other things like that. Now I glory in these slanders (and the others), because they are only slanders. They are foolish or malicious lies and falsehoods spread about me by the devil and his offspring. And if the world did not treat me so wickedly, I would lack one sign of a saint and a child of God. Blessed are you (said the Lord Jesus) when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you for my sake. Rejoice and be very glad, for your reward is great in heaven. For in the same way they persecuted the prophets who came before you. Matt. iv. 11.

310. These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not; no, though they were twenty times more than they are. I have a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.

310. Therefore, these things do not trouble me personally, even if there were twenty times as many of them. I have a clear conscience. Though they speak evil of me as a wrongdoer, they will be ashamed. For they falsely accuse me, though I live rightly in Christ.

311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered me? Shall I threaten them? Shall I chide them? Shall I flatter them? Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues? No, not I. Were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, Report it, because ’twill increase my glory.

311. So what should I say to those who have smeared me like this? Should I threaten them? Should I scold them? Should I flatter them? Should I beg them to keep quiet? No, not me. These things make those who spread and support them ripe for damnation. If that were not so, I would say to them, Spread the report, because it will increase my glory.

312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ’s sake.

312. Therefore, I wear these lies and slanders as an ornament. Being vilified, slandered, insulted, and abused is part of professing the Christian faith. My God and my conscience bear witness that these accusations are nothing but lies and slanders. So I rejoice in being insulted for Christ’s sake.

313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like. When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; and speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I: I will in this beg belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-case to me.

313. I also call all those fools or rogues who have made it their business to repeat these accusations about me, namely, that I have had sexual relations with other women, or anything of that kind. Even after making every effort and every possible inquiry, can they truly prove that any woman in heaven, earth, or hell can say I ever tried to have sexual relations with her, at any time or place, by day or night? Do I say this to beg my enemies to think well of me? No, I do not. I will not beg anyone to believe me about this. Believe me or not, it is all the same to me.

314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am not the man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all the fornicators and adulterers in England were hanged up by the neck till they be dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would be still alive and well. I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife.

314. My enemies have missed their mark in their attack on me. I am not the man they accuse. I hope they themselves are innocent. If all the fornicators and adulterers in England were hanged by the neck until dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would still be alive and well. Apart from my wife, I know of no woman alive under heaven except by her clothing, her children, or common report.

315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of women know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman: the common salutation of women I abhor; ’tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom so much as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these things are not so becoming me. When I have seen good men salute those women that they have visited, or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection against it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have urged the holy kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, how laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have been unseemly in my sight.

315. In this I admire God’s wisdom: he made me shy around women from my first conversion until now. Those who know me most intimately can testify that they rarely see me behave pleasantly toward a woman. I hate the usual greetings given to women. They are repulsive to me, whoever I see giving them. I cannot bear to be alone in a woman’s company, and I seldom even touch a woman’s hand. I do not think such things are fitting for me. When I have seen good men greet women they have visited or who have visited them, I have sometimes objected. When they answered that it was only polite, I told them it was not a proper sight. Some have appealed to the holy kiss. But I have asked why they were selective. Why did they greet the most beautiful women and pass over the unattractive ones? However praiseworthy others may have found such things, they have seemed improper to me.

316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent. Not that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more than any other; but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom. Amen.

316. Now, to bring this matter to a close, I call on both men and angels to prove me guilty of sexual relations with any woman other than my wife. I am not afraid to do so a second time. I know that in such a case it cannot offend the Lord to call God as a witness against my soul that I am innocent of these things. I have not been kept from them because I am any better than anyone else. God has been merciful to me and has kept me. I pray that he will continue to keep me, not only from this sin but from every evil way and deed, and preserve me for his heavenly kingdom. Amen.

317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be made of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service for Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in the next place give you a brief account.

317. Satan used insults and slander to make my countrymen despise me, so that, if possible, my preaching would have no effect. Along with this, I endured a long and weary imprisonment. The aim was to frighten me away from serving Christ and to terrify the world into fearing to hear me preach. I will now give you a brief account of this imprisonment.

318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long time, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (among whom, had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but they took me away from amongst them), and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people.

318. I had professed the glorious gospel of Christ for a long time and had preached it for about five years. Then I was arrested at a meeting of good people in the countryside. If the authorities had left me alone, I would have preached to those people that day. But they took me away and brought me before a justice. I offered to provide security for my appearance at the next court sessions. Yet the justice sent me to prison because my guarantors would not agree to pledge that I would stop preaching to the people.

319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not conforming to the national worship of the church of England; and after some conference there with the justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for a confession, as they termed it, of the indictment, did sentence me to a perpetual banishment, because I refused to conform. So being again delivered up to the jailer’s hands, I was had home to prison, and there have lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer these men to do with me.

319. At the next court session, I was indicted for supporting and maintaining unlawful assemblies and religious gatherings. I was also charged with not conforming to the national worship of the Church of England. After some discussion with the justices, they took my plain speaking as a confession, as they called it, of the charges. They sentenced me to banishment for life, because I refused to conform. So I was handed over to the jailer again and taken back to prison. I have now spent a full twelve years there, waiting to see what God would allow these men to do with me.

320. In which condition I have continued with much content, through grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also received among many things, much conviction, instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not here discourse; only give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly to bless God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, should the case be their own—not to fear what man can do unto them.

320. By grace, I have remained in this condition with much contentment. But my heart has undergone many changes, caused by the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions. Through all these, I have received much conviction, instruction, and understanding, among many other things. Glory be to Jesus Christ! I will not speak of these at length here. I will only give you a hint or two to stir up the godly to bless God and pray for me. I also hope to encourage them, should they find themselves in the same condition, not to fear what people can do to them.

322. These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshments in this condition to me: John xiv. 1–4; John xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb. xii. 22–24. So that sometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh at destruction, and to fear neither the horse nor his rider. I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and of my being with Jesus in another world: Oh! the mount Sion, the heavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels, and God the Judge of all, and the spirits of just men made perfect, and Jesus, have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that here, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to express: I have seen a truth in this scripture, Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now you see Him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable, and full of glory. 1 Pet. i. 8.

322. These three or four passages of Scripture have also brought me great comfort in this condition: John 14:1-4, John 16:33, Col. 3:3-4, Heb. 12:22-24. Sometimes, while delighting in them, I have been able to laugh at destruction, and to fear neither the horse nor his rider. In this place I have had sweet glimpses of the forgiveness of my sins and of being with Jesus in another world. Oh! Mount Sion, the heavenly Jerusalem, the countless company of angels, God the Judge of all, the spirits of righteous people made perfect, and Jesus have been sweet to me in this place. Here I have seen things that I am convinced I will never be able to express while in this world. I have seen the truth of this Scripture: Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not see him now, you believe in him and rejoice with inexpressible joy, full of glory. 1 Pet. 1:8.

323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found Him since I came in hither: for look how fears have presented themselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea, when I have started, even as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture or another, strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, were it lawful, I could pray for greater trouble, for the greater comfort’s sake. Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.

323. I never knew how God could stand by me at every turn, whenever Satan tried to afflict me, until I came here. Since then, whenever fears have arisen, support and encouragement have come too. Even when I have been startled by nothing more than my own shadow, God has been very tender toward me. He has not allowed me to be troubled, but has strengthened me against everything with one passage of Scripture or another. So I have often said, if it were permitted, I could pray for greater trouble, for the sake of greater comfort. Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.

324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my portion. For the first of these, that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great information to me, namely, to pray to God to be strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness. I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, this sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself into my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure it joyfully.

324. Before I went to prison, I saw what was coming. Two concerns in particular weighed on my heart. The first was how I could face death, if that should be my fate there. On this first concern, the scripture Col. i. 11 taught me much. It taught me to pray to God to be strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness. Before I was imprisoned, I could seldom pray without this sentence, this sweet petition, pressing itself into my mind. It did so for no less than a year. It convinced me that, if I were ever to endure long suffering, I would need all patience. I would need it especially if I were to endure suffering joyfully.

325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. i. 9) was of great use to me, But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God, which raiseth the dead. By this scripture I was made to see, That if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them.

325. As for the second consideration, these words (2 Cor. 1:9) were a great help to me: But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God, who raises the dead. This scripture showed me what I must do if I am ever to suffer rightly. I must first pass a sentence of death on everything that can properly be called a part of this life. I must consider myself, my wife, my children, my health, my pleasures, and everything else as dead to me. And I must consider myself dead to them.

326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul said in another place; the way not to faint is, To look not on the things that are seen, but at the things that are not seen; for the things that are seen are temporal, but the things that are not seen are eternal. And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit for banishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am surprised: so that I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, as touching the world to come; and as touching this world, to count the grave my house, to make my bed in darkness; to say to corruption, Thou art my father, and to the worm, Thou art my mother and sister: that is, to familiarize these things to me.

326. The second was to live by faith in the invisible God. As Paul said elsewhere, the way not to lose heart is to look not at what is seen, but at what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. So I reasoned with myself: if I prepare only for prison, then whipping and the pillory will catch me unprepared. Again, if I prepare only for these, then I am not ready for banishment. Further, if I decide that banishment is the worst I can face, then death will catch me by surprise if it comes. So I see that the best way to endure suffering is to trust in God through Christ for the world to come. And, as for this world, the best way is to count the grave as my home, to make my bed in darkness, to say to decay, You are my father, and to the worm, You are my mother and sister. In other words, I must make these things familiar to myself.

327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my poor blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.

327. But despite these helps, I found that I was only human and surrounded by weaknesses. Parting from my wife and poor children has often felt like having the flesh pulled from my bones. This was not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great blessings. It was also because I often thought of the hardships, suffering, and needs my poor family would likely face if I were taken from them. I thought especially of my poor blind child, who was closer to my heart than all the others. Oh! The thought of the hardship my poor blind child might suffer would break my heart to pieces.

328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth to the quick to leave you: Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it: and now I thought on those two milch kine that were to carry the ark of God into another country, and to leave their calves behind them. 1 Sam. vi. 10–12.

328. Poor child! I thought. What sorrow you are likely to face in this world! You must be beaten and must beg. You must suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities. Yet now I cannot bear to have the wind blow on you. But then I pulled myself together and thought, I must entrust you all to God, though leaving you cuts me to the heart. Oh! I saw that I was like a man pulling down his house on the heads of his wife and children. Yet I thought, I must do it, I must do it. Then I thought of those two milk cows that had to carry the ark of God into another country and leave their calves behind them. 1 Sam. vi. 10–12.

329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the first was the consideration of these two scriptures, Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve them alive, and let thy widows trust in me: and again, The Lord said, Verily it shall be well with thy remnant, verily, I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil, and in time of affliction. Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.

329. But several thoughts helped me through this temptation. I will mention three in particular. The first was my reflection on these two passages of Scripture: Leave your fatherless children, I will keep them alive, and let your widows trust in me. And again: The Lord said, Surely it will be well with your remnant, surely, I will cause the enemy to treat you well in times of trouble, and in times of affliction. Jer. 49:11, 15:11.

330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, if left at God’s feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of the way of God. This was a smarting consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God would disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6–8, etc.

330. I also considered that if I did not risk all for God, I bound God to take care of my concerns. But suppose I abandoned him and his ways for fear of trouble coming to me or my family. Then I would not only be false to the faith I professed. I would also be judging my concerns less secure in God’s hands, while I stood firm for his name, than in my own care, even if I denied God’s way. This thought stung me and spurred me on. A passage of Scripture also helped impress this thought more deeply on me. In that passage, Christ prays against Judas, asking God to frustrate the selfish thoughts that led him to sell his Master. Please read it seriously: Psalm 109:6 to 8 and following.

331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also of the glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, and patience, stood to His ways before them. These things, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.

331. I also thought about the dreadful torments of hell. I was sure that those who fear the cross and shrink from openly professing Christ, his words, and his laws must suffer them. I also thought about the glory he had prepared for those who stood by his ways before others in faith, love, and patience. These thoughts helped me when I was troubled by the misery that my family and I might suffer because of my profession of faith.

332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession, then I have thought of that scripture: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword, they wandered about in sheep-skins, and goat-skins, being destitute, afflicted, tormented, of whom the world was not worthy; for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them. I have also thought of that saying, the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every city, that bonds and afflictions abide me. I have verily thought that my soul and it have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.

332. When I have thought that I might be banished for professing my faith, I have remembered this scripture: They were stoned, they were sawn in two, were tempted, were killed with the sword, they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins, poor, afflicted, tormented, people of whom the world was not worthy. Yet the people of the world thought these sufferers too wicked to live among them. I have also remembered this saying: the Holy Spirit testifies in every city that chains and suffering await me. I truly think that my soul and it have sometimes reasoned about the painful and sorrowful condition of exile. They have considered how exiles are exposed to hunger, cold, danger, nakedness, enemies, and a thousand calamities. At last, perhaps, they might die in a ditch, like a poor, abandoned sheep. But I thank God that so far I have not been swayed by these most delicate arguments. Instead, through them, I have given my heart more fully to God.

333. I will tell you a pretty business:—I was once above all the rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, that my imprisonment might end at the gallows for ought that I could tell. Now therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: But how if, when you come indeed to die, you should be in this condition; that is, as not to savour the things of God, nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a better state hereafter? (for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul).

333. Let me tell you a curious story. Once, for many weeks, I was more deeply distressed and discouraged than ever before. I was new to prison and did not know the laws. So I was troubled by the thought that, for all I knew, my imprisonment might end at the gallows. Satan pressed hard on me then, trying to break my spirit. He suggested this: But what if, when you actually come to die, you are still in this condition? What if you have no taste for the things of God, and no evidence in your soul of a better life after death? (For at that time all the things of God were hidden from my soul.)

334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.

334. So when I first began to think about this, it troubled me greatly. I thought that, in my present condition, I was not fit to die. Indeed, I did not think I could die if called to do so. Besides, I thought that even if I managed to scramble up the ladder, I might tremble or show other signs of fainting. This would give the enemy reason to mock the way of God and his people for their fearfulness. This weighed heavily on me, because I thought I would be ashamed to die for such a cause with a pale face and shaking knees.

335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.

335. So I prayed to God to comfort me and give me strength to do and suffer whatever he called me to. Yet no comfort came, and all remained hidden. At this time, I was so filled with thoughts of death that I often felt as if I were standing on a ladder with a rope around my neck. But one thought gave me some encouragement. I thought I might have a chance to speak my last words to a crowd gathered to see me die. And I thought, if it must happen, and if God will convert just one soul through my last words, I will not consider my life wasted or lost.

336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter followed me with, But whither must you go when you die? what will become of you? where will you be found in another world? what evidence have you for heaven and glory, and an inheritance among them that are sanctified? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me, that it was for the word and way of God that I was in this condition, Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch an hair’s breadth from it.

336. But all the things of God were still hidden from my sight. And the tempter kept pursuing me: But where must you go when you die? What will become of you? Where will you be found in the next world? What evidence do you have that you will reach heaven and glory, and receive an inheritance among those who are sanctified? I was tossed about like this for many weeks and did not know what to do. At last, a thought struck me with great force: I was in this condition because of God’s word and his way. Therefore I was determined not to turn away from them by a hair’s breadth.

337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free; yea, ’twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if God doth not come in, thought I, I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell, Lord Jesus, if Thou wilt catch me, do; if not, I will venture for Thy name.

337. I also thought that God could choose whether to comfort me now or at the hour of death. But I could not therefore choose whether to hold to my profession of faith. I was bound, but he was free. Indeed, it was my duty to stand by his word, whether he would ever look upon me or save me in the end. So I thought, since this is how things stand, I will go on and risk my eternal fate with Christ, whether I have comfort here or not. If God does not come to my aid, I thought, I will leap off the ladder blindfolded into eternity, sink or swim, whether heaven comes, or hell, Lord Jesus, if you will catch me, do so, if not, I will take the risk for your name.

338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word dropped upon me, Doth Job serve God for nought? As if the accuser had said, Lord, Job is no upright man, he serves Thee for bye-respects: hast Thou not made an hedge about him, etc. But put forth now Thine hand, and touch all that he hath, and, he will curse Thee to Thy face. How now! thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him? Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than give out! Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12, etc.

338. No sooner had I settled on this decision than the words came to me: Does Job serve God for nothing? It was as if the accuser had said, Lord, Job is not an upright man, he serves you for what he can gain: have you not put a hedge around him, etc. But now reach out your hand, and strike everything he has, and, he will curse you to your face. What is this? I thought. Is it the sign of an upright soul to want to serve God when everything has been taken away? Is a person godly if he will serve God for nothing rather than give up? Blessed be God! Then I hope my heart is upright. For I am resolved, if God gives me strength, never to deny the faith I profess, though I receive nothing at all for my efforts. And as I was thinking about this, that scripture came before me: Psalm 44:12, etc.

339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: I would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted every time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, for the teaching I have had by it. Many more of the dealings towards me I might relate, But these out of the spoils won in battle I have dedicated to maintain the house of God. 1 Chron. xxvi. 27.

339. Now my heart was full of comfort, because I hoped it was sincere. I would not have missed this trial for anything. I am comforted every time I think of it. I hope I will bless God forever for what he taught me through it. I could tell of many more ways God has dealt with me. But I have dedicated these spoils won in battle to maintain the house of God. 1 Chron. xxvi. 27.

1. Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have often thought of that word, Have your loins girt about with truth; and of that, When the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?

1. Of all the temptations I have faced in my life, the worst is to doubt that God exists and that his gospel is true. This temptation is the hardest to bear. When it comes, it takes away my belt and removes the foundation beneath me. Oh! I have often thought of the words, Have your waist wrapped with truth, and these words: When the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?

2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble. And then again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to give such way to comfort; with such strength and weight have both these been upon me.

2. Sometimes, after I had sinned, I expected God to punish me severely. But the very next thing he did was reveal his grace to me. Sometimes, when I was comforted, I called myself a fool for sinking so deeply into distress. Then again, when I was cast down, I thought I had been foolish to give way to comfort. Both distress and comfort weighed on me with such force.

3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have been refreshed.

3. I have often wondered about one thing. No matter how blessed a revelation of himself God gives my soul, I have found that dark hours follow. My spirit becomes so full of darkness that I cannot even imagine the God and the comfort that refreshed me.

4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could well tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the refreshment, though I have looked it all over.

4. Sometimes I have seen more in one line of the Bible than I knew how to bear. Yet at other times, the whole Bible has seemed as dry as a stick to me. Or rather, my heart has been so dead and dry toward it that I could find no refreshment, though I read it all.

5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ: Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God: I hope I know something of these things.

5. Of all fears, the best are those brought about by the blood of Christ. And of all joy, the sweetest is mixed with mourning over Christ. Oh, it is a wonderful thing to be on our knees before God, with Christ in our arms. I hope I know something of these things.

6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclining to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have; 7. I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves. When I would do good, evil is present with me.

6. To this day, I find seven abominations in my heart: 1. A tendency toward unbelief. 2. Quickly forgetting the love and mercy Christ shows. 3. A tendency to rely on keeping the law. 4. A wandering mind and coldness in prayer. 5. Forgetting to watch for what I pray for. 6. A tendency to complain because I do not have more, yet being ready to misuse what I have. 7. I cannot do anything God commands without my corruptions intruding. When I want to do good, evil is present with me.

7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good; 1. They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my heart; 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness; 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. They press me to pray unto God; 6. They show me the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. And provoke me to pray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me through this world.

7. I continually see and feel these things, and they afflict and oppress me. Yet God, in his wisdom, uses them for my good: 1. They make me hate myself. 2. They keep me from trusting my heart. 3. They convince me that all the righteousness within me is insufficient. 4. They show me that I need to flee to Jesus. 5. They urge me to pray to God. 6. They show me that I need to be watchful and sober. 7. They urge me to pray to God through Christ for help and to carry me through this world.