Chapter 11

“It is with considerable difficulty that I remember the original era of my being; all the events of that period appear confused and indistinct. A strange multiplicity of sensations seized me, and I saw, felt, heard, and smelt at the same time; and it was, indeed, a long time before I learned to distinguish between the operations of my various senses. By degrees, I remember, a stronger light pressed upon my nerves, so that I was obliged to shut my eyes. Darkness then came over me and troubled me, but hardly had I felt this when, by opening my eyes, as I now suppose, the light poured in upon me again. I walked and, I believe, descended, but I presently found a great alteration in my sensations. Before, dark and opaque bodies had surrounded me, impervious to my touch or sight; but I now found that I could wander on at liberty, with no obstacles which I could not either surmount or avoid. The light became more and more oppressive to me, and the heat wearying me as I walked, I sought a place where I could receive shade. This was the forest near Ingolstadt; and here I lay by the side of a brook resting from my fatigue, until I felt tormented by hunger and thirst. This roused me from my nearly dormant state, and I ate some berries which I found hanging on the trees or lying on the ground. I slaked my thirst at the brook, and then lying down, was overcome by sleep.

“I find it very difficult to remember the beginning of my life. All the events of that time seem confused and unclear. A strange flood of sensations came over me. I saw, felt, heard, and smelled all at once. It was a long time before I learned to tell my senses apart. I remember that gradually a stronger light pressed on my nerves, forcing me to close my eyes. Darkness came over me and troubled me. But I had hardly felt the darkness when light flooded in again, because I had opened my eyes, as I now suppose. I walked and, I believe, went downwards, but soon my sensations changed greatly. Before, dark, solid objects had surrounded me, blocking my touch and sight. But now I found that I could wander freely. I met no obstacles that I could not either climb over or avoid. The light became more and more unbearable, and the heat tired me as I walked. So I looked for a shady place. This was the forest near Ingolstadt. There I lay beside a brook, resting from my weariness, until hunger and thirst began to torment me. They roused me from my nearly dormant state. I ate some berries that I found hanging on the trees or lying on the ground. I drank from the brook to quench my thirst, then lay down and fell asleep.

“It was dark when I awoke; I felt cold also, and half frightened, as it were, instinctively, finding myself so desolate. Before I had quitted your apartment, on a sensation of cold, I had covered myself with some clothes, but these were insufficient to secure me from the dews of night. I was a poor, helpless, miserable wretch; I knew, and could distinguish, nothing; but feeling pain invade me on all sides, I sat down and wept.

“It was dark when I woke up. I felt cold and, finding myself so alone, I was also a little frightened, almost instinctively. Before I left your apartment, I had felt cold and covered myself with some clothes. But they were not enough to protect me from the night dew. I was a poor, helpless, miserable wretch. I knew nothing and could tell nothing apart. But I felt pain all around me, so I sat down and wept.

“Soon a gentle light stole over the heavens and gave me a sensation of pleasure. I started up and beheld a radiant form rise from among the trees. [The moon] I gazed with a kind of wonder. It moved slowly, but it enlightened my path, and I again went out in search of berries. I was still cold when under one of the trees I found a huge cloak, with which I covered myself, and sat down upon the ground. No distinct ideas occupied my mind; all was confused. I felt light, and hunger, and thirst, and darkness; innumerable sounds rang in my ears, and on all sides various scents saluted me; the only object that I could distinguish was the bright moon, and I fixed my eyes on that with pleasure.

“Soon a gentle light spread across the sky and gave me pleasure. I jumped up and saw a radiant shape rise among the trees. [The moon] I gazed at it in wonder. It moved slowly, but it lit my path, and I went out again to look for berries. I was still cold when I found a huge cloak under a tree. I wrapped it around myself and sat down on the ground. I had no clear thoughts. Everything was confused. I felt light, hunger, thirst, and darkness. Countless sounds rang in my ears, and different scents reached me from every direction. The only thing I could make out was the bright moon, and I fixed my eyes on it with pleasure.

“Several changes of day and night passed, and the orb of night had greatly lessened, when I began to distinguish my sensations from each other. I gradually saw plainly the clear stream that supplied me with drink and the trees that shaded me with their foliage. I was delighted when I first discovered that a pleasant sound, which often saluted my ears, proceeded from the throats of the little winged animals who had often intercepted the light from my eyes. I began also to observe, with greater accuracy, the forms that surrounded me and to perceive the boundaries of the radiant roof of light which canopied me. Sometimes I tried to imitate the pleasant songs of the birds but was unable. Sometimes I wished to express my sensations in my own mode, but the uncouth and inarticulate sounds which broke from me frightened me into silence again.

“Several days and nights passed, and the moon had grown much smaller, before I began to distinguish my sensations from one another. Gradually, I saw clearly the stream that gave me water and the trees whose leaves shaded me. I often heard a pleasant sound. I was delighted when I discovered that it came from the throats of the little winged animals that had often blocked the light from my eyes. I also began to observe the shapes around me more closely. I could see the edges of the bright roof of light above me. Sometimes I tried to imitate the birds’ lovely songs, but I could not. Sometimes I wanted to express my feelings in my own way. But the harsh, unintelligible sounds that came from me frightened me into silence again.

“The moon had disappeared from the night, and again, with a lessened form, showed itself, while I still remained in the forest. My sensations had by this time become distinct, and my mind received every day additional ideas. My eyes became accustomed to the light and to perceive objects in their right forms; I distinguished the insect from the herb, and by degrees, one herb from another. I found that the sparrow uttered none but harsh notes, whilst those of the blackbird and thrush were sweet and enticing.

“The moon had disappeared from the night sky and returned smaller, while I still remained in the forest. By then, my senses had become clearer, and I gained new ideas every day. My eyes grew accustomed to the light, and I learned to see objects in their true shapes. I could tell an insect from a plant, and gradually, one plant from another. I found that the sparrow made only harsh sounds, while the blackbird and thrush sang sweet, enticing songs.

“One day, when I was oppressed by cold, I found a fire which had been left by some wandering beggars, and was overcome with delight at the warmth I experienced from it. In my joy I thrust my hand into the live embers, but quickly drew it out again with a cry of pain. How strange, I thought, that the same cause should produce such opposite effects! I examined the materials of the fire, and to my joy found it to be composed of wood. I quickly collected some branches, but they were wet and would not burn. I was pained at this and sat still watching the operation of the fire. The wet wood which I had placed near the heat dried and itself became inflamed. I reflected on this, and by touching the various branches, I discovered the cause and busied myself in collecting a great quantity of wood, that I might dry it and have a plentiful supply of fire. When night came on and brought sleep with it, I was in the greatest fear lest my fire should be extinguished. I covered it carefully with dry wood and leaves and placed wet branches upon it; and then, spreading my cloak, I lay on the ground and sank into sleep.

“One day, when I was suffering from the cold, I found a fire left by some wandering beggars. I was overjoyed by its warmth. In my joy, I thrust my hand into the glowing embers, but quickly pulled it out with a cry of pain. How strange, I thought, that the same thing could produce such opposite effects! I examined the fire and was delighted to find that it was made of wood. I quickly gathered some branches, but they were wet and would not burn. This upset me, and I sat still, watching the fire. The wet wood I had placed near the heat dried and caught fire. I thought about this and touched the different branches. In this way, I discovered why they had caught fire. I set to work gathering a large amount of wood so I could dry it and keep the fire well supplied. When night came and I grew sleepy, I was terribly afraid that my fire would go out. I carefully covered it with dry wood and leaves and placed wet branches on top. Then I spread out my cloak, lay down on the ground, and fell asleep.

“It was morning when I awoke, and my first care was to visit the fire. I uncovered it, and a gentle breeze quickly fanned it into a flame. I observed this also and contrived a fan of branches, which roused the embers when they were nearly extinguished. When night came again I found, with pleasure, that the fire gave light as well as heat and that the discovery of this element was useful to me in my food, for I found some of the offals that the travellers had left had been roasted, and tasted much more savoury than the berries I gathered from the trees. I tried, therefore, to dress my food in the same manner, placing it on the live embers. I found that the berries were spoiled by this operation, and the nuts and roots much improved.

“It was morning when I woke, and my first concern was to check the fire. I uncovered it, and a gentle breeze quickly fanned it into a flame. I noticed this and made a fan of branches to revive the embers when they were nearly out. When night came again, I was pleased to find that the fire gave light as well as heat. I also discovered that fire was useful for preparing my food. Some scraps the travelers had left had been roasted, and they tasted much better than the berries I gathered from the trees. So I tried to prepare my food in the same way, placing it on the hot embers. I found that this spoiled the berries, but greatly improved the nuts and roots.

“Food, however, became scarce, and I often spent the whole day searching in vain for a few acorns to assuage the pangs of hunger. When I found this, I resolved to quit the place that I had hitherto inhabited, to seek for one where the few wants I experienced would be more easily satisfied. In this emigration I exceedingly lamented the loss of the fire which I had obtained through accident and knew not how to reproduce it. I gave several hours to the serious consideration of this difficulty, but I was obliged to relinquish all attempt to supply it, and wrapping myself up in my cloak, I struck across the wood towards the setting sun. I passed three days in these rambles and at length discovered the open country. A great fall of snow had taken place the night before, and the fields were of one uniform white; the appearance was disconsolate, and I found my feet chilled by the cold damp substance that covered the ground.

“Food, however, became scarce. I often spent the whole day searching in vain for a few acorns to ease my hunger. When I found this to be the case, I decided to leave the place where I had been living. I would look for somewhere my few needs could be met more easily. As I set out, I deeply regretted losing the fire. I had found it by chance and did not know how to make another. I spent several hours thinking seriously about this problem, but I had to give up trying to make another fire. I wrapped myself in my cloak and headed through the woods toward the setting sun. I wandered for three days and finally came to open country. A great deal of snow had fallen the night before, and the fields were uniformly white. The sight was dreary, and my feet grew chilled by the cold, damp snow covering the ground.

“It was about seven in the morning, and I longed to obtain food and shelter; at length I perceived a small hut, on a rising ground, which had doubtless been built for the convenience of some shepherd. This was a new sight to me, and I examined the structure with great curiosity. Finding the door open, I entered. An old man sat in it, near a fire, over which he was preparing his breakfast. He turned on hearing a noise, and perceiving me, shrieked loudly, and quitting the hut, ran across the fields with a speed of which his debilitated form hardly appeared capable. His appearance, different from any I had ever before seen, and his flight somewhat surprised me. But I was enchanted by the appearance of the hut; here the snow and rain could not penetrate; the ground was dry; and it presented to me then as exquisite and divine a retreat as Pandæmonium appeared to the dæmons of hell after their sufferings in the lake of fire. I greedily devoured the remnants of the shepherd’s breakfast, which consisted of bread, cheese, milk, and wine; the latter, however, I did not like. Then, overcome by fatigue, I lay down among some straw and fell asleep.

“It was about seven in the morning, and I longed for food and shelter. At last, I saw a small hut on a rise. It had no doubt been built for a shepherd’s use. I had never seen anything like it, and I examined it with great curiosity. Finding the door open, I went inside. An old man sat near a fire, preparing his breakfast over it. He turned when he heard a noise, and when he saw me, he shrieked loudly. He fled the hut and ran across the fields. He moved with a speed his weakened body hardly seemed capable of. His appearance was unlike anything I had ever seen, and his flight surprised me a little. But I was delighted by the hut. The snow and rain could not get in, and the ground was dry. To me, it seemed as exquisite and divine a refuge as Pandæmonium had seemed to the demons of hell after their suffering in the lake of fire. I greedily ate what remained of the shepherd’s breakfast: bread, cheese, milk, and wine. I did not like the wine, however. Then, overcome by exhaustion, I lay down among some straw and fell asleep.

“It was noon when I awoke, and allured by the warmth of the sun, which shone brightly on the white ground, I determined to recommence my travels; and, depositing the remains of the peasant’s breakfast in a wallet I found, I proceeded across the fields for several hours, until at sunset I arrived at a village. How miraculous did this appear! The huts, the neater cottages, and stately houses engaged my admiration by turns. The vegetables in the gardens, the milk and cheese that I saw placed at the windows of some of the cottages, allured my appetite. One of the best of these I entered, but I had hardly placed my foot within the door before the children shrieked, and one of the women fainted. The whole village was roused; some fled, some attacked me, until, grievously bruised by stones and many other kinds of missile weapons, I escaped to the open country and fearfully took refuge in a low hovel, quite bare, and making a wretched appearance after the palaces I had beheld in the village. This hovel however, joined a cottage of a neat and pleasant appearance, but after my late dearly bought experience, I dared not enter it. My place of refuge was constructed of wood, but so low that I could with difficulty sit upright in it. No wood, however, was placed on the earth, which formed the floor, but it was dry; and although the wind entered it by innumerable chinks, I found it an agreeable asylum from the snow and rain.

“It was noon when I awoke. The sun shone brightly on the white ground, and its warmth drew me to continue my journey. I put the remains of the peasant’s breakfast into a bag I found and walked across the fields. After several hours, I reached a village at sunset. How miraculous it seemed! The huts, the neater cottages, and the stately houses each filled me with admiration. The vegetables in the gardens made me hungry, as did the milk and cheese at the windows of some cottages. I entered one of the best cottages, but I had hardly stepped inside when the children screamed and a woman fainted. The whole village was roused. Some people fled, while others attacked me. Badly bruised by stones and many other objects they threw at me, I escaped into the open country. In fear, I took refuge in a low hovel. It was completely bare and looked miserable compared with the palaces I had seen in the village. The hovel stood next to a neat and pleasant cottage, but my recent experience had taught me a painful lesson. I dared not enter the cottage. My shelter was made of wood, but it was so low that I could hardly sit upright. There was no wooden floor, only bare earth, but it was dry. Although the wind came through countless cracks, I found the hovel a welcome shelter from the snow and rain.

“Here, then, I retreated and lay down happy to have found a shelter, however miserable, from the inclemency of the season, and still more from the barbarity of man. As soon as morning dawned I crept from my kennel, that I might view the adjacent cottage and discover if I could remain in the habitation I had found. It was situated against the back of the cottage and surrounded on the sides which were exposed by a pig sty and a clear pool of water. One part was open, and by that I had crept in; but now I covered every crevice by which I might be perceived with stones and wood, yet in such a manner that I might move them on occasion to pass out; all the light I enjoyed came through the sty, and that was sufficient for me.

“Here I withdrew and lay down, happy to have found shelter, however miserable. It protected me from the harsh weather, and even more from the cruelty of people. As soon as dawn broke, I crept out of my shelter to look at the nearby cottage. I wanted to see whether I could stay where I was. My shelter stood against the back of the cottage. A pigsty and a clear pool of water surrounded its exposed sides. One part was open, and I had crept in through it. Now I covered every opening through which I might be seen with stones and wood. I arranged them so I could move them when I needed to get out. All the light I had came through the pigsty, and it was enough for me.

“Having thus arranged my dwelling and carpeted it with clean straw, I retired, for I saw the figure of a man at a distance, and I remembered too well my treatment the night before to trust myself in his power. I had first, however, provided for my sustenance for that day by a loaf of coarse bread, which I purloined, and a cup with which I could drink more conveniently than from my hand of the pure water which flowed by my retreat. The floor was a little raised, so that it was kept perfectly dry, and by its vicinity to the chimney of the cottage it was tolerably warm.

“After arranging my dwelling and covering the floor with clean straw, I withdrew into it. I had seen a man in the distance. I remembered too well how I had been treated the night before to put myself in his power. First, however, I had provided food for the day by stealing a loaf of coarse bread. I had also taken a cup so I could drink more easily from the pure water flowing by my shelter. Until then, I had drunk from my hand. The floor was slightly raised, which kept it perfectly dry. It was also reasonably warm because it was close to the cottage chimney.

“Being thus provided, I resolved to reside in this hovel until something should occur which might alter my determination. It was indeed a paradise compared to the bleak forest, my former residence, the rain-dropping branches, and dank earth. I ate my breakfast with pleasure and was about to remove a plank to procure myself a little water when I heard a step, and looking through a small chink, I beheld a young creature, with a pail on her head, passing before my hovel. The girl was young and of gentle demeanour, unlike what I have since found cottagers and farmhouse servants to be. Yet she was meanly dressed, a coarse blue petticoat and a linen jacket being her only garb; her fair hair was plaited but not adorned: she looked patient yet sad. I lost sight of her, and in about a quarter of an hour she returned bearing the pail, which was now partly filled with milk. As she walked along, seemingly incommoded by the burden, a young man met her, whose countenance expressed a deeper despondence. Uttering a few sounds with an air of melancholy, he took the pail from her head and bore it to the cottage himself. She followed, and they disappeared. Presently I saw the young man again, with some tools in his hand, cross the field behind the cottage; and the girl was also busied, sometimes in the house and sometimes in the yard.

“Now that I had these provisions, I decided to stay in the hovel until something happened to change my mind. It was a paradise compared with my former home in the bleak forest, with its rain-soaked branches and damp ground. I enjoyed my breakfast and was about to move a plank to get some water when I heard footsteps. Looking through a small crack, I saw a young person pass in front of my hovel, carrying a pail on her head. The girl was young and gentle in manner. She was unlike the cottagers and farmhouse servants I have encountered since. Yet she was poorly dressed, wearing only a coarse blue petticoat and a linen jacket. Her fair hair was braided but had no ornaments. She looked patient but sad. She passed out of sight. About fifteen minutes later, she returned with the pail, now partly filled with milk. As she walked, apparently troubled by its weight, a young man met her. His face showed even deeper sadness. He said a few words in a melancholy way, then took the pail from her head and carried it to the cottage himself. She followed him, and they disappeared. Soon I saw the young man again, carrying some tools across the field behind the cottage. The girl was busy too, sometimes in the house and sometimes in the yard.

“On examining my dwelling, I found that one of the windows of the cottage had formerly occupied a part of it, but the panes had been filled up with wood. In one of these was a small and almost imperceptible chink through which the eye could just penetrate. Through this crevice a small room was visible, whitewashed and clean but very bare of furniture. In one corner, near a small fire, sat an old man, leaning his head on his hands in a disconsolate attitude. The young girl was occupied in arranging the cottage; but presently she took something out of a drawer, which employed her hands, and she sat down beside the old man, who, taking up an instrument, began to play and to produce sounds sweeter than the voice of the thrush or the nightingale. It was a lovely sight, even to me, poor wretch who had never beheld aught beautiful before. The silver hair and benevolent countenance of the aged cottager won my reverence, while the gentle manners of the girl enticed my love. He played a sweet mournful air which I perceived drew tears from the eyes of his amiable companion, of which the old man took no notice, until she sobbed audibly; he then pronounced a few sounds, and the fair creature, leaving her work, knelt at his feet. He raised her and smiled with such kindness and affection that I felt sensations of a peculiar and overpowering nature; they were a mixture of pain and pleasure, such as I had never before experienced, either from hunger or cold, warmth or food; and I withdrew from the window, unable to bear these emotions.

“As I examined my shelter, I found that part of it had once been a window of the cottage. The windowpanes had been replaced with wood. One piece had a tiny, almost invisible crack that I could just see through. Through the crack, I could see a small room. It was whitewashed and clean, but had very little furniture. In one corner, near a small fire, sat an old man. He leaned his head on his hands and looked deeply sad. The young girl was tidying the cottage. Soon she took something from a drawer to work on with her hands and sat beside the old man. He picked up an instrument and began to play. Its sounds were sweeter than the song of a thrush or a nightingale. It was a lovely sight, even to me, a poor wretch who had never seen anything beautiful before. The old cottager’s silver hair and kind face inspired my reverence, while the girl’s gentle manner drew my love. He played a sweet, mournful tune that brought tears to his lovely companion’s eyes. The old man did not notice until she sobbed aloud. Then he spoke a few words, and the beautiful girl left her work and knelt at his feet. He lifted her up and smiled with such kindness and affection that I felt strange and overpowering emotions. They were a mixture of pain and pleasure. I had never felt anything like them from hunger or cold, warmth or food. Unable to bear these emotions, I withdrew from the window.

“Soon after this the young man returned, bearing on his shoulders a load of wood. The girl met him at the door, helped to relieve him of his burden, and taking some of the fuel into the cottage, placed it on the fire; then she and the youth went apart into a nook of the cottage, and he showed her a large loaf and a piece of cheese. She seemed pleased and went into the garden for some roots and plants, which she placed in water, and then upon the fire. She afterwards continued her work, whilst the young man went into the garden and appeared busily employed in digging and pulling up roots. After he had been employed thus about an hour, the young woman joined him and they entered the cottage together.

“Soon after this, the young man returned, carrying a load of wood on his shoulders. The girl met him at the door and helped him with the load. She took some of the wood into the cottage and put it on the fire. Then she and the young man went to a corner of the cottage. He showed her a large loaf of bread and a piece of cheese. She seemed pleased and went into the garden to gather some roots and plants. She put them in water and placed them on the fire. Then she continued her work, while the young man went into the garden. He seemed busy digging and pulling up roots. After about an hour, the young woman joined him, and they entered the cottage together.

“The old man had, in the meantime, been pensive, but on the appearance of his companions he assumed a more cheerful air, and they sat down to eat. The meal was quickly dispatched. The young woman was again occupied in arranging the cottage, the old man walked before the cottage in the sun for a few minutes, leaning on the arm of the youth. Nothing could exceed in beauty the contrast between these two excellent creatures. One was old, with silver hairs and a countenance beaming with benevolence and love; the younger was slight and graceful in his figure, and his features were moulded with the finest symmetry, yet his eyes and attitude expressed the utmost sadness and despondency. The old man returned to the cottage, and the youth, with tools different from those he had used in the morning, directed his steps across the fields.

“The old man had been thoughtful in the meantime, but he brightened when his companions appeared. They sat down to eat and quickly finished their meal. The young woman returned to tidying the cottage. The old man walked in the sun outside for a few minutes, leaning on the young man’s arm. Nothing could have been more beautiful than the contrast between these two fine people. One was old, with silver hair and a face glowing with kindness and love. The younger man was slender and graceful, with perfectly balanced features. Yet his eyes and posture showed the deepest sadness and despair. The old man returned to the cottage. The young man set off across the fields, carrying different tools from those he had used that morning.”

“Night quickly shut in, but to my extreme wonder, I found that the cottagers had a means of prolonging light by the use of tapers, and was delighted to find that the setting of the sun did not put an end to the pleasure I experienced in watching my human neighbours. In the evening the young girl and her companion were employed in various occupations which I did not understand; and the old man again took up the instrument which produced the divine sounds that had enchanted me in the morning. So soon as he had finished, the youth began, not to play, but to utter sounds that were monotonous, and neither resembling the harmony of the old man’s instrument nor the songs of the birds; I since found that he read aloud, but at that time I knew nothing of the science of words or letters.

“Night fell quickly, but I was amazed to find that the cottagers could prolong the light by using candles. I was delighted that sunset did not end the pleasure I felt watching my human neighbors. That evening, the young girl and her companion were busy with various activities I did not understand. The old man again picked up the instrument that had produced the heavenly sounds that enchanted me that morning. As soon as he finished, the young man began to make sounds, though he was not playing. The sounds were monotonous, unlike the harmony of the old man’s instrument or the songs of birds. I later learned that he was reading aloud, but at the time I knew nothing about words or letters.

“The family, after having been thus occupied for a short time, extinguished their lights and retired, as I conjectured, to rest.”

“After spending a short time at this, the family put out their lights and went to bed, I guessed.”