Lunar Languages, Dining, Paying the Bill, and the Author's Journey to Court

Thus, all the comfort I had during the misery of my hard Usage, were the visits of this officious¹ Spirit; for you may judge what conversation I could have with these that came to see me, since besides that they only took me for an Animal, in the highest class of the Category of Bruits, I neither understood their Language, nor they mine. For you must know, that there are but two Idioms in use in that Country, one for the Grandees, and another for the People in general.

The only comfort I had during my miserable treatment was the visits of this helpful¹ Spirit. You can imagine how little conversation I could have with the others who came to see me. They took me for an animal, though one in the highest category of beasts. Besides, I did not understand their language, and they did not understand mine. You see, only two languages are used in that country: one for the nobles and another for the people in general.

That of the great ones is no more but various inarticulate Tones, much like to our Musick when the Words are not added to the Air:² and in reality it is an Invention both very useful and pleasant; for when they are weary of talking, or disdain to prostitute their Throats to that Office, they take either a Lute or some other Instrument, whereby they communicate their Thoughts as well as by their Tongue: So that sometimes Fifteen or Twenty in a Company will handle a point of Divinity, or discuss the difficulties of a Law-suit, in the most harmonious Consort that ever tickled the Ear.

The language of the great ones consists only of varied, wordless tones, much like our music without lyrics.² It is a very useful and pleasant invention. When they grow tired of talking, or disdain to put their throats to that use, they take up a lute or another instrument. With it, they can communicate their thoughts as well as they can with their tongues. So sometimes fifteen or twenty people in a group will debate a point of theology or discuss the difficulties of a lawsuit. They do so in the most harmonious concert that ever tickled the ear.

The second, which is used by the Vulgar, is performed by a shivering of the Members, but not, perhaps, as you may imagine; for some parts of the Body signifie an entire Discourse; for example, the agitation of a Finger, a Hand, an Ear, a Lip, an Arm, an Eye, a Cheek, every one severally will make up an Oration, or a Period with all the parts of it: Others serve only instead of Words, as the knitting of the Brows, the several quiverings of the Muscles, the turning of the Hands, the stamping of the Feet, the contorsion of the Arm; so that when they speak, as their Custom is, stark naked, their Members being used to gesticulate their Conceptions, move so quick that one would not think it to be a Man that spoke, but a Body that trembled.

The second, used by ordinary people, is performed by shaking the limbs, though perhaps not as you might imagine. Some body parts can express a whole speech. For example, a movement of a finger, hand, ear, lip, arm, eye, or cheek can each express a speech or a complete sentence. Other movements serve only as words. These include knitting the brows, twitching the muscles in various ways, turning the hands, stamping the feet, and twisting the arm. When they speak, they are completely naked, as is their custom. Their bodies are used to expressing their thoughts through gestures, and they move so quickly that one would think it was not a person speaking, but a body trembling.

Every day almost the Spirit came to see me, and his rare Conversation made me patiently bear with the rigour of my Captivity. At length one morning I saw a Man enter my Cabbin, whom I knew not, who having a long while licked me gently, took me in his Teeth by the Shoulder, and with one of his Paws, wherewith he held me up for fear I might hurt my self, threw me upon his Back; where I found my self so softly seated, and so much at my ease, that, [though] being afflicted to be used like a Beast, I had not the least desire of making my escape; and besides, these Men that go upon all four are much swifter than we, seeing the heaviest of them make nothing of running down a Stagg.

Almost every day the Spirit came to see me. His extraordinary conversation helped me bear the harshness of my captivity with patience. At last, one morning, a man I did not know entered my cabin. He gently licked me for a long time. Then he took me by the shoulder with his teeth and threw me onto his back. He held me up with one paw so I would not hurt myself. I found myself sitting so softly and comfortably that I had no desire to escape, though I was distressed at being treated like an animal. Besides, these men who walk on all fours are much faster than we are. Even the slowest of them can easily run down a stag.

In the mean time I was extreamly troubled that I had no news of my courteous Spirit; and the first night we came to our Inn, as I was walking in the Court, expecting till Supper should be ready, a pretty handsome young Man came smiling in my Face and cast his Two Fore-Legs about my Neck. After I had a little considered him: "How!" said he in French, "do you [not] know your Friend then?" I leave you to judge in what case I was at that time; really, my surprise was so great, that I began to imagine, that all the Globe of the Moon, all that had befallen me, and all that I had seen, had only been Enchantment: And that Beast-man, who was the same that had carried me all day, continued to speak to me in this manner; "You promised me, that the good Offices I did you should never be forgotten, and yet it seems you have never seen me before;" but perceiving me still in amaze: "In fine," said he, "I am that same Demon of Socrates, who diverted you during your Imprisonment, and who, that I may still oblige you, took to my self a Body, on which I carried you to day:" "But," said I interrupting him, "how can that be, seeing that all Day you were of a very long Stature, and now you are very short; that all day long you had a weak and broken Voice, and now you have a clear and vigorous one; that, in short, all day long you were a Grey-headed old Man, and are now a brisk young Blade: Is it then that whereas in my Country, the Progress is from Life to Death; Animals here go Retrograde from Death to Life, and by growing old become young again."

Meanwhile, I was deeply troubled that I had heard nothing from my courteous Spirit. On the first night, we came to an inn. I was walking in the courtyard, waiting for supper, when a rather handsome young man came up smiling. He threw his two forelegs around my neck. After I had looked at him for a moment, he said in French, "What! Don't you know your friend?" I leave you to imagine how I felt. I was so surprised that I began to think the whole Moon, everything that had happened to me, and everything I had seen were only an enchantment. The beast-man, who was the same one who had carried me all day, went on: "You promised never to forget the kindnesses I did you. Yet you seem never to have seen me before." But when he saw that I was still amazed, he said, "In short, I am that same Demon of Socrates who entertained you during your imprisonment. And so that I could help you again, I took on a body and carried you today." "But," I interrupted, "how can that be? All day you were very tall, and now you are very short. All day you had a weak, broken voice, and now your voice is clear and strong. In short, all day you were a gray-haired old man, and now you are a lively young fellow. In my country, life progresses toward death. Do animals here go backward from death to life, becoming young again as they grow old?"

"So soon as I had spoken to the Prince," said he, "and received orders to bring you to Court, I went and found you out where you were, and have brought you hither; but the Body I acted in was so tired out with the Journey, that all its Organs refused me their ordinary Functions, so that I enquired the way to the Hospital; where being come in I found the Body of a young Man, just then expired by a very odd Accident, but yet very common in this Country. I drew near him, pretending to find motion in him still, and protesting to those who were present, that he was not dead, and that what they thought to be the cause of his Death, was no more but a bare Lethargy; so that without being perceived, I put my Mouth to his, by which I entered as with a breath: Then down dropt my old Carcass, and as if I had been that young Man, I rose and came to look for you, leaving the Spectators crying a Miracle."

“As soon as I had spoken to the Prince,” he said, “I was ordered to bring you to Court. I went and found you where you were, and brought you here. But the body I was using was so exhausted by the journey that all its organs stopped functioning normally. So I asked the way to the hospital. When I arrived, I found the body of a young man who had just died in a very strange accident. Yet such accidents are very common in this country. I approached him, pretending to detect movement. I insisted to the people there that he was not dead. I told them that what they thought had caused his death was merely a deep sleep. Then, without anyone noticing, I put my mouth to his and entered him like a breath. My old carcass fell to the ground. As if I were the young man, I rose and came looking for you, leaving the onlookers crying that it was a miracle.”

With this they came to call us to Supper, and I followed my Guide into a Parlour richly furnished; but where I found nothing fit to be eaten. No Victuals appearing, when I was ready to die of Hunger, made me ask him where the Cloath was laid: But I could not hear what he answered, for at that instant Three or Four young Boys, Children of the House, drew near, and with much Civility stript me to the Shirt. This new Ceremony so astonished me, that I durst not so much as ask my Pretty Valets de Chamber the cause of it; and I cannot tell how my Guide, who asked me what I would begin with, could draw from me these two Words, A Potage; but hardly had I pronounced them, when I smelt the odour of the most agreeable Soop that ever steamed in the rich Gluttons Nose: I was about to rise from my place, that I might trace that delicious Scent to its source, but my Carrier hindered me: "Whither are you going," said he, "we shall fetch a walk by and by; but now it is time to Eat, make an end of your Potage, and then we'll have something else:" "And where the Devil is the Potage?" answered I half angry: "Have you laid a wager you'll jeer me all this Day?" "I thought," replied he, "that at the Town we came from, you had seen your Master or some Bo[dy] else at meal, and that's the reason I told you not, how People feed in this Country. Seeing then you are still ignorant, you must know, that here they live on Steams. The art of Cookery is to shut up in great Vessels, made on purpose, the Exhalations that proceed from the Meat whilst it is a dressing; and when they have provided enough of several sorts and several tastes, according to the Appetite of those they treat; they open one Vessel where that Steam is kept, and after that another; and so on till the Company be satisfied.

Just then, we were called to supper, and I followed my guide into a richly furnished parlor. But I found nothing there to eat. Since no food appeared and I was nearly dying of hunger, I asked him where the table was set. But I could not hear his answer. At that moment, three or four young boys from the household came over and politely stripped me down to my shirt. This strange ceremony so astonished me that I dared not ask my pretty valets de chambre why they had done it. My guide asked what I would like to begin with. I cannot say how he managed to get two words out of me: A potage. I had hardly spoken when I smelled the most delicious soup ever to rise into a rich glutton's nose. I was about to get up and follow the scent to its source, but my carrier stopped me. "Where are you going?" he said. "We'll take a walk soon, but now it's time to eat. Finish your potage, and then we'll have something else." "And where the devil is the potage?" I replied, half angry. "Have you made a wager to mock me all day?" "I thought you had seen your master or someone else eating in the town we came from," he replied. "That is why I didn't tell you how people eat in this country. Since you still don't know, you must understand that people here live on vapors. The art of cooking is to capture the vapors that rise from meat while it cooks in large vessels made for that purpose. They prepare enough kinds and flavors to suit the appetites of their guests. Then they open one vessel containing a vapor, followed by another, and so on until the company is satisfied.

"Unless you have already lived after this manner, you would never think, that the Nose without Teeth and Gullet can perform the office of the Mouth in feeding a Man; but I'll make you experience it your self." He had no sooner said so, but I found so many agreeable and nourishing Vapours enter the Parlour, one after another, that in less than half a quarter of an Hour I was fully satisfied. When we were got up; "This is not a matter," said he, "much to be admired at, seeing you cannot have lived so long, and not have observed, that all sorts of Cooks, who eat less than People of another Calling, are nevertheless much Fatter. Whence proceeds that Plumpness, d'ye think, unless it be from the Steams that continually environ them, which penetrate into their Bodies and fatten them? Hence it is, that the People of this World enjoy a more steady and vigorous Health, by reason that their Food hardly engenders any Excrements, which are in a manner the original³ of all Diseases. You were, perhaps, surprised, that before supper you were stript, since it is a Custom not practised in your Country; but it is the fashion of this, and for this end used, that the Animal may be the more transpirable to the Fumes." "Sir," answered I, "there is a great deal of probability in what you say, and I have found somewhat of it my self by experience; but I must frankly tell you, That not being able to Unbrute my self so soon, I should be glad to feel something that my Teeth might fix upon:" He promised I should, but not before next Day; "because," said he, "to Eat so soon after your meal would breed Crudities."

"Unless you have lived this way, you would never think the nose could feed a man without teeth or a throat. But I'll let you experience it for yourself." No sooner had he said this than pleasant, nourishing vapors began entering the room, one after another. In less than seven and a half minutes, I was completely satisfied. When we got up, he said, "This is not so surprising. You cannot have lived so long without noticing that cooks of all kinds eat less than people in other trades. Yet they are much fatter. What do you think makes them plump? Surely it is the steam that constantly surrounds them, entering their bodies and fattening them. That is why the people of this world enjoy more steady and vigorous health. Their food produces hardly any excrement, which is in a way the source³ of all diseases. You may have been surprised that you were undressed before supper, since that custom is not practiced in your country. But it is the custom here, so that the vapors can pass more easily through the body." "Sir," I answered, "what you say seems very likely, and I have found some evidence of it myself. But I must tell you frankly that I cannot stop being a brute so quickly. I would be glad to have something I can sink my teeth into." He promised I would, but not until the next day. "Eating so soon after your meal," he said, "would cause indigestion."

After we had discoursed a little longer, we went up to a Chamber to take our rest; a Man met us on the top of the Stairs, who having attentively Eyed us, led me into a Closet where the floor was strowed with Orang-Flowers Three Foot thick, and my Spirit into another filled with Gilly-Flowers and Jessamines: Perceiving me amazed at that Magnificence, he told me they were the Beds of the Country. In fine, we laid our selves down to rest in our several Cells, and so soon as I had stretched my self out upon my Flowers, by the light of Thirty large Glow-worms shut up in a Crystal, (being the only Candles Charon uses,⁴) I perceived the Three or Four Boys who had stript me before Supper, One tickling my Feet, another my Thighs, the Third my Flanks, and the Fourth my Arms, and all so delicately and daintily, that in less than in a Minute I was fast asleep.

After we had talked a little longer, we went upstairs to a room to rest. A man met us at the top of the stairs and looked us over carefully. He led me into a small room whose floor was covered with orange blossoms three feet deep. He led my Spirit into another room filled with gillyflowers and jasmine. Seeing my amazement at this splendor, he told me these were the beds used in that country. At last, we lay down to rest in our separate rooms. As soon as I stretched out on my flowers, I saw the three or four boys who had undressed me before supper. I saw them by the light of thirty large glowworms enclosed in a crystal. (These are the only candles Charon uses.⁴) One boy tickled my feet, another my thighs, the third my sides, and the fourth my arms. They all did it so gently and delicately that I was fast asleep in less than a minute.

Next Morning by Sun-rising my Spirit came into my Room and said to me, "Now I'll be as good as my Word, you shall breakfast this Morning more solidly that you Supped last Night." With that I got up, and he led me by the Hand to a place at the back of the Garden, where one of the Children of the House stayed for us, with a Piece in his Hand much like to one of our Fire-Locks. He asked my Guide if I would have a dozen of Larks, because Baboons (one of which he took me to be,) loved to feed on them? I had hardly answered, Yes, when the Fowler discharged a Shot, and Twenty or Thirty Larks fell at our Feet ready Roasted. This, thought I presently with my self, verifies the Proverb in our World, of a Country where Larks fall ready Roasted; without doubt it has been made by some Body that came from hence. "Fall too, fall too," said my Spirit, "don't spare; for they have a knack of mingling a certain Composition with their Powder and Shot, which Kills, Plucks, Roasts, and Seasons the Fowl all at once." I took up some of them, and eat them upon his word; and to say the Truth, In all my Life time I never eat any thing so delicious.

The next morning at sunrise, my spirit came into my room and said, "Now I'll keep my word. You'll have a more substantial breakfast this morning than the supper you had last night." I got up, and he led me by the hand to a place behind the garden. One of the children of the house was waiting there for us, holding something much like one of our muskets. He asked my guide if I would like a dozen larks. He thought I was a Baboon, and Baboons loved to eat them. I had hardly said yes when the bird catcher fired a shot. Twenty or thirty larks fell at our feet, already roasted. I immediately thought that this proved the saying in our world about a country where larks fall ready roasted. Without doubt, someone who had been here must have invented it. "Eat up, eat up," said my spirit. "Don't hold back. They know how to mix a special compound with their powder and shot. It kills, plucks, roasts, and seasons the birds all at once." I took his word for it, picked up some of the larks, and ate them. To tell the truth, I had never eaten anything so delicious in all my life.

Having thus Breakfasted we prepared to be gone, and with a Thousand odd Faces, which they use when they would shew their Love, our Landlord received a Paper from my Spirit. I asked him, if it was a Note for the Reckoning? He replied, No, that all was paid, and that it was a Copy of Verses. "How! Verses," said I, "are your Inn-Keepers here curious of Rhime then?" "It's," said he, "the Money of the Country, and the charge we have been at here, hath been computed to amount to Three Couplets, or Six Verses, which I have given him. I did not fear we should outrun the Constable; for though we should Pamper our selves for a whole Week, we could not spend a Sonnet, and I have Four about me, besides Two Epigrams, Two Odes, and an Eclogue."

After breakfast, we prepared to leave. Our landlord received a paper from my Spirit, making a thousand odd faces to show his affection. I asked my Spirit if it was a bill. He replied that it was not. Everything had been paid for, and the paper was a poem. "What! Verses," I said, "are your innkeepers here fond of rhyme, then?" "It is the country's currency," he said. "Our bill here came to three couplets, or six verses, which I gave him. I wasn't afraid we would run out of money. Even if we pampered ourselves for a whole week, we couldn't spend a sonnet. And I have four with me, besides two epigrams, two odes, and an eclogue."

"Would to God," said I, "it were so in our World; for I know a good many honest Poets there who are ready to Starve, and who might live plentifully if that Money would pass in Payment." I farther asked him, If these Verses would always serve, if one Transcribed them? He made answer, No, and so went on: "When an Author has Composed any, he carries them to the Mint, where the sworn Poets of the Kingdom sit in Court. There these versifying Officers essay the pieces; and if they be judged Sterling, they are rated not according to their Coyn; that's to say, That a Sonnet is not always as good as a Sonnet; but according to the intrinsick value of the piece; so that if any one Starve, he must be a Blockhead: For Men of Wit make always good Chear." With Extasie I was admiring the judicious Policy of that Country, when he proceeded in this manner:

"I wish to God," I said, "that it were so in our world. I know many honest poets there who are close to starving. They could live well if that money were accepted as payment." I then asked him whether copied verses could always be used as money. He said no and went on: "When an author has composed verses, he takes them to the mint. There the kingdom's sworn poets sit as a court. These verse-writing officers test the pieces. If they judge them genuine, they value them not by their denomination, but by their intrinsic worth. That is to say, a sonnet is not always worth as much as another sonnet. So if anyone starves, he must be a fool. For men of wit always eat well." I was ecstatically admiring the wise policy of that country when he continued:

"There are others who keep Publick-house after a far different manner: When one is about to be gone, they demand, proportionably to the Charges, an Acquittance for the other World; and when that is given them, they write down in a great Register, which they call Doomsday's Book, much after this manner: Item, The value of so many Verses, delivered such a Day, to such a Person, which he is to pay upon the receipt of this Acquittance, out of his readiest Cash: And when they find themselves in danger of Death, they cause these Registers to be Chopt in pieces, and swallow them down; because they believe, that if they were not thus digested, they would be good for nothing."

“There are others who run public houses quite differently. When a guest is about to leave, they ask for a receipt for the other world, equal to the bill. Once they receive it, they make an entry in a large register they call Doomsday's Book. It goes something like this: Item, The value of so many verses, delivered on such a day to such a person. He is to pay it from his most readily available cash upon receiving this receipt. When the keepers believe they are in danger of dying, they have these registers chopped into pieces and swallow them. They believe the registers would be worthless if they were not digested in this way.”

This Conversation was no hinderance to our Journey; for my Four-legged Porter jogged on under me, and I rid stradling on his Back. I shall not be particular in relating to you all the Adventures that happened to us on our way, till we arrived at length at the Town where the King holds his Residence.

Our conversation did not slow our journey. My four-legged porter jogged along beneath me as I rode astride his back. I will not recount every adventure we had on the way. At last, we reached the town where the King lives.