“Defend Yourself, Lord”

I paid three pennies for my breakfast, and a most extravagant price it was, too, seeing that one could have breakfasted a dozen persons for that money; but I was feeling good by this time, and I had always been a kind of spendthrift anyway; and then these people had wanted to give me the food for nothing, scant as their provision was, and so it was a grateful pleasure to emphasize my appreciation and sincere thankfulness with a good big financial lift where the money would do so much more good than it would in my helmet, where, these pennies being made of iron and not stinted in weight, my half-dollar’s worth was a good deal of a burden to me. I spent money rather too freely in those days, it is true; but one reason for it was that I hadn’t got the proportions of things entirely adjusted, even yet, after so long a sojourn in Britain—hadn’t got along to where I was able to absolutely realize that a penny in Arthur’s land and a couple of dollars in Connecticut were about one and the same thing: just twins, as you may say, in purchasing power. If my start from Camelot could have been delayed a very few days I could have paid these people in beautiful new coins from our own mint, and that would have pleased me; and them, too, not less. I had adopted the American values exclusively. In a week or two now, cents, nickels, dimes, quarters, and half-dollars, and also a trifle of gold, would be trickling in thin but steady streams all through the commercial veins of the kingdom, and I looked to see this new blood freshen up its life.

I paid three pennies for my breakfast, which was an outrageous price. You could have fed a dozen people breakfast for that much. But I was feeling good by then, and I had always been something of a spendthrift. Besides, these people had wanted to give me the food for nothing, though they had so little themselves. So I was glad to show my appreciation and sincere thanks by giving them a generous sum. The money would do them much more good than it did in my helmet. The pennies were made of iron and were not light, so my half dollar’s worth was quite a burden. It is true that I spent money a little too freely in those days. But one reason was that I still hadn’t adjusted my sense of value, even after so long in Britain. I still couldn’t quite grasp that a penny in Arthur’s land was worth about two dollars in Connecticut. In purchasing power, they were practically twins, you might say. If I could have delayed my departure from Camelot by just a few days, I could have paid these people with beautiful new coins from our own mint. That would have pleased me, and them no less. I had adopted American denominations exclusively. In a week or two, cents, nickels, dimes, quarters, half dollars, and a little gold would be flowing in thin but steady streams through all the kingdom’s commercial veins. I expected this new blood to give the kingdom fresh life.

The farmers were bound to throw in something, to sort of offset my liberality, whether I would or no; so I let them give me a flint and steel; and as soon as they had comfortably bestowed Sandy and me on our horse, I lit my pipe. When the first blast of smoke shot out through the bars of my helmet, all those people broke for the woods, and Sandy went over backwards and struck the ground with a dull thud. They thought I was one of those fire-belching dragons they had heard so much about from knights and other professional liars. I had infinite trouble to persuade those people to venture back within explaining distance. Then I told them that this was only a bit of enchantment which would work harm to none but my enemies. And I promised, with my hand on my heart, that if all who felt no enmity toward me would come forward and pass before me they should see that only those who remained behind would be struck dead. The procession moved with a good deal of promptness. There were no casualties to report, for nobody had curiosity enough to remain behind to see what would happen.

The farmers insisted on giving me something in return for my generosity, whether I wanted it or not. So I let them give me a flint and steel. Once they had settled Sandy and me comfortably on our horse, I lit my pipe. The first blast of smoke shot out through the bars of my helmet. At once, all the people ran for the woods, and Sandy fell backward and hit the ground with a dull thud. They thought I was one of those fire-breathing dragons they had heard so much about from knights and other professional liars. I had a terrible time persuading them to come back close enough for me to explain. Then I told them the smoke was just a bit of magic that would harm no one but my enemies. I put my hand on my heart and made them a promise. If everyone who bore me no ill will came forward and passed before me, they would see that only those who stayed behind would be struck dead. The procession got moving quickly. There were no casualties to report, because nobody was curious enough to stay behind and see what would happen.

I lost some time, now, for these big children, their fears gone, became so ravished with wonder over my awe-compelling fireworks that I had to stay there and smoke a couple of pipes out before they would let me go. Still the delay was not wholly unproductive, for it took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly wonted to the new thing, she being so close to it, you know. It plugged up her conversation mill, too, for a considerable while, and that was a gain. But above all other benefits accruing, I had learned something. I was ready for any giant or any ogre that might come along, now.

I lost some time now. Once their fears had passed, these big children were so delighted by my awe-inspiring fireworks that they wouldn't let me go. I had to stay and smoke a couple of pipes first. Still, the delay wasn't entirely wasted. It took all that time for Sandy to get used to the new thing, since she was so close to it, you know. It also stopped her conversation mill for quite a while, which was a gain. But the biggest benefit was that I had learned something. Now I was ready for any giant or ogre that might come along.

We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and my opportunity came about the middle of the next afternoon. We were crossing a vast meadow by way of short-cut, and I was musing absently, hearing nothing, seeing nothing, when Sandy suddenly interrupted a remark which she had begun that morning, with the cry:

We stayed with a holy hermit that night, and my opportunity came in the middle of the next afternoon. We were taking a shortcut across a vast meadow. I was lost in thought, hearing and seeing nothing, when Sandy suddenly interrupted a remark she had begun that morning. She cried:

“Defend thee, lord!—peril of life is toward!”

“Defend yourself, lord! Your life is in danger!”

And she slipped down from the horse and ran a little way and stood. I looked up and saw, far off in the shade of a tree, half a dozen armed knights and their squires; and straightway there was bustle among them and tightening of saddle-girths for the mount. My pipe was ready and would have been lit, if I had not been lost in thinking about how to banish oppression from this land and restore to all its people their stolen rights and manhood without disobliging anybody. I lit up at once, and by the time I had got a good head of reserved steam on, here they came. All together, too; none of those chivalrous magnanimities which one reads so much about—one courtly rascal at a time, and the rest standing by to see fair play. No, they came in a body, they came with a whirr and a rush, they came like a volley from a battery; came with heads low down, plumes streaming out behind, lances advanced at a level. It was a handsome sight, a beautiful sight—for a man up a tree. I laid my lance in rest and waited, with my heart beating, till the iron wave was just ready to break over me, then spouted a column of white smoke through the bars of my helmet. You should have seen the wave go to pieces and scatter! This was a finer sight than the other one.

She slipped down from the horse, ran a short distance, and stopped. I looked up and saw half a dozen armed knights and their squires far off in the shade of a tree. They immediately began bustling about and tightening their saddle straps to mount. My pipe was ready. I would have lit it if I had not been lost in thought. I was thinking about how to banish oppression from the land and restore all its people's stolen rights and manhood without inconveniencing anybody. I lit my pipe at once. By the time I had built up a good head of reserve steam, the knights came. They all came together, too. There was none of that noble chivalry you read so much about, with one courtly rascal attacking at a time while the rest stood by to ensure fair play. No, they came as a group, with a whir and a rush, like a volley from a battery of guns. Their heads were low, their plumes streamed behind them, and their lances pointed straight ahead. It was a handsome sight, a beautiful sight, for a man up a tree. I set my lance in position and waited, my heart pounding. Just as the iron wave was about to break over me, I blew a column of white smoke through my helmet's bars. You should have seen that wave break apart and scatter! That was an even finer sight.

But these people stopped, two or three hundred yards away, and this troubled me. My satisfaction collapsed, and fear came; I judged I was a lost man. But Sandy was radiant; and was going to be eloquent—but I stopped her, and told her my magic had miscarried, somehow or other, and she must mount, with all despatch, and we must ride for life. No, she wouldn’t. She said that my enchantment had disabled those knights; they were not riding on, because they couldn’t; wait, they would drop out of their saddles presently, and we would get their horses and harness. I could not deceive such trusting simplicity, so I said it was a mistake; that when my fireworks killed at all, they killed instantly; no, the men would not die, there was something wrong about my apparatus, I couldn’t tell what; but we must hurry and get away, for those people would attack us again, in a minute. Sandy laughed, and said:

But these people stopped two or three hundred yards away, and that worried me. My satisfaction vanished, and I grew afraid. I thought I was a lost man. But Sandy was radiant and about to make a grand speech. I stopped her and said my magic had somehow gone wrong. She had to get on her horse right away, and we had to ride for our lives. No, she wouldn’t. She said my enchantment had disabled those knights. They weren’t riding on because they couldn’t. We only had to wait. They would soon fall out of their saddles, and we would get their horses and equipment. I couldn’t deceive someone so trusting and innocent, so I said she was mistaken. When my fireworks killed at all, they killed instantly. No, the men would not die. Something was wrong with my apparatus, though I couldn’t tell what. But we had to hurry and get away, because those people would attack us again in a minute. Sandy laughed and said:

“Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed! Sir Launcelot will give battle to dragons, and will abide by them, and will assail them again, and yet again, and still again, until he do conquer and destroy them; and so likewise will Sir Pellinore and Sir Aglovale and Sir Carados, and mayhap others, but there be none else that will venture it, let the idle say what the idle will. And, la, as to yonder base rufflers, think ye they have not their fill, but yet desire more?”

“Oh dear, sir, they are not that kind! Sir Launcelot will fight dragons and stand his ground. He will attack them again and again until he conquers and destroys them. Sir Pellinore, Sir Aglovale, and Sir Carados will do the same, and perhaps others. But no one else will dare try it, no matter what idle people say. And, oh, do you think those low ruffians over there haven't had enough and still want more?”

“Well, then, what are they waiting for? Why don’t they leave? Nobody’s hindering. Good land, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones, I’m sure.”

“Well, then, what are they waiting for? Why don’t they leave? Nobody’s stopping them. Good grief, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones, I’m sure.”

“Leave, is it? Oh, give thyself easement as to that. They dream not of it, no, not they. They wait to yield them.”

“Leave, is it? Oh, don’t worry about that. They don’t dream of it, no, not them. They are waiting to surrender them.”

“Come—really, is that ‘sooth’—as you people say? If they want to, why don’t they?”

“Come on, is that really ‘true,’ as you people say? If they want to, why don’t they?”

“It would like them much; but an ye wot how dragons are esteemed, ye would not hold them blamable. They fear to come.”

“They would like it very much. But if you knew how dragons are regarded, you would not blame them. They are afraid to come.”

“Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and—”

“Well, then, what if I go to them instead, and...”

“Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your coming. I will go.”

“Ah, you can be sure they would not wait for you to arrive. I will go.”

And she did. She was a handy person to have along on a raid. I would have considered this a doubtful errand, myself. I presently saw the knights riding away, and Sandy coming back. That was a relief. I judged she had somehow failed to get the first innings—I mean in the conversation; otherwise the interview wouldn’t have been so short. But it turned out that she had managed the business well; in fact, admirably. She said that when she told those people I was The Boss, it hit them where they lived: “smote them sore with fear and dread” was her word; and then they were ready to put up with anything she might require. So she swore them to appear at Arthur’s court within two days and yield them, with horse and harness, and be my knights henceforth, and subject to my command. How much better she managed that thing than I should have done it myself! She was a daisy.

And she did. She was handy to have along on a raid. I would have thought the errand was a risky one. Soon I saw the knights riding away and Sandy coming back. That was a relief. I figured she somehow hadn’t gotten the first turn in the conversation. Otherwise, the interview wouldn’t have been so short. But it turned out she had handled the business well, admirably, in fact. She said that telling those people I was The Boss really got to them. Her words were “struck them hard with fear and dread.” After that, they were ready to accept anything she might demand. So she made them swear to appear at Arthur’s court within two days and surrender with their horses and armor. They also swore to be my knights from then on and obey my commands. How much better she handled that than I would have! She was a marvel.