Record Twenty-Five

At the beginning all arose, and the hymn, like a solemn mantle, slowly waved above our heads. Hundreds of tubes of the Musical Tower and millions of human voices. For a second I forgot everything; I forgot that alarming something at which I-330 hinted in connection with today’s celebration; I think I even forgot about her. At that moment I was the very same little boy who once wept because of a tiny ink-stain on his unif, which no one else could see. Even if it be so, if nobody sees that I am covered with black, ineffaceable stains, I know it, do I not? I know that there should be no place for a criminal like me among these frank open faces. What if I should rush forward and shout out all at once everything about myself! The end might follow. Let it! At least for a second I would feel myself clear and clean and senseless like that innocent blue sky....

At the beginning, everyone stood up. The hymn slowly rose and fell above our heads like a solemn cloak. Hundreds of tubes in the Musical Tower and millions of human voices sang together. For a second, I forgot everything. I forgot the alarming thing I-330 had hinted at in connection with today's celebration. I think I even forgot about her. At that moment, I was the same little boy who once cried over a tiny ink stain on his unif. No one else could see the stain. Even if no one sees that I am covered in black stains that cannot be erased, I know it, don't I? I know there should be no place for a criminal like me among these frank, open faces. What if I rushed forward and shouted out everything about myself at once? It might be the end of me. Let it be! At least for a second, I would feel clear, clean, and senseless, like that innocent blue sky....

All eyes were directed upward; in the pure morning blue, still moist with the tears of night, a small dark spot appeared. Now it was dark, now bathed in the rays of the sun. It was He, descending to us from the sky, He—the new Jehovah—in an aero, He, as wise and as lovingly cruel as the Jehovah of the ancients. Nearer and nearer, and higher toward him were drawn millions of hearts. Already he saw us. And in my mind with Him I looked over everything from the heights: concentric circles of stands marked with dotted blue lines of unifs,—like circles of a spider-web strewn with microscopic suns (the shining of the badges). And in the centre there soon the wise white spider would occupy his place—the Well-Doer clad in white, the Well-Doer who wisely tangled our hands and feet in the salutary net of happiness.

All eyes turned upward. A small dark spot appeared in the clear blue morning sky, still damp with the tears of night. At times it was dark, at times bathed in sunlight. It was he, descending to us from the sky in an aero. He was the new Jehovah, as wise and as lovingly cruel as the Jehovah of the ancients. He came closer and closer, and millions of hearts reached higher toward him. He could see us now. In my mind, I looked down with him from above. I saw concentric circles of stands, dotted with the blue lines of unifs. They looked like circles of a spiderweb scattered with tiny suns, the shining badges. Soon the wise white spider would take his place at the center. He was the Well-Doer, dressed in white. He had wisely tangled our hands and feet in the beneficial net of happiness.

His magnificent descent from the sky was accomplished. The brassy Hymn came to silence; all sat down. At once I perceived that everything was really a very thin spider-web, the threads of which were stretched tense and trembling, and it seemed that in a moment those threads might break and something improbable....

His magnificent descent from the sky was complete. The brassy Hymn fell silent, and everyone sat down. At once, I realized that everything was really a very thin spiderweb. Its threads were stretched tight and trembling. It seemed that at any moment they might break and something improbable....

I half rose and looked around, and I met many lovingly-worried eyes which passed from one face to another. I saw someone lifting his hand and almost imperceptibly waving his fingers—he was making signs to another. The latter replied with a similar finger-sign. And a third.... I understood; they were the Guardians. I understood; they were alarmed by something—the spider-web was stretched and trembling. And within me as if tuned to the same wave-length of a radio, within me there was a corresponding quiver.

I half rose and looked around. I met many eyes full of loving concern, moving from one face to another. I saw someone raise his hand and wave his fingers almost imperceptibly. He was signaling to someone else. The other person replied with a similar finger signal. Then a third.... I understood. They were the Guardians. I understood that something had alarmed them. The spiderweb was stretched taut and trembling. Inside me, there was a matching tremor, as if I were tuned to the same radio wavelength.

On the platform a poet was reciting his pre-electoral ode. I could not hear a single word; I only felt the rhythmic swing of the hexametric pendulum, and with its every motion I felt how nearer and nearer there was approaching some hour set for.... I continued to turn over face after face like pages but I could not find the one, the only one, I was seeking, the one I needed to find at once, as soon as possible, for one more swing of the pendulum and....

On the platform, a poet was reciting his pre-election ode. I couldn't hear a single word. I only felt the rhythmic swing of its six-beat meter, like a pendulum. With each swing, I felt some appointed hour drawing closer and closer.... I kept scanning faces as if turning pages. But I couldn't find the one face I was looking for, the one I needed to find immediately, as soon as possible. One more swing of the pendulum and....

It was he, certainly it was he! Below, past the main platform, gliding over the sparkling glass, the ear-wings flapped by, the running body gave a reflection of a double-curved S-, like a noose which was rolling toward some of the intricate passages among the stands. S-, I-330,—there is some thread between them. I have always felt some thread between them. I don’t know yet what that thread is but some day I shall untangle it. I planted my gaze on him; he was rushing farther away, behind him that invisible thread.... There he stopped ... there.... I was pierced, twisted together into a knot as if by a lightning-like, many-volted electric discharge; in my row, not more than 40° from me, S- stopped and bowed. I saw I-330 and beside her the smiling, repellent, negro-lipped R-13.

It was him, certainly it was him! Below, past the main platform, his ear-wings flapped as he glided over the sparkling glass. His running body cast a reflection of the double-curved S-, like a noose rolling toward an intricate passage among the stands. S-, I-330, there is some thread between them. I have always felt some thread between them. I don’t yet know what that thread is, but someday I’ll untangle it. I fixed my gaze on him. He rushed farther away, the invisible thread trailing behind him.... There he stopped ... there.... I felt pierced and twisted into a knot, as if by a lightning-like electric discharge of many volts. S- stopped and bowed in my row, no more than 40° from me. I saw I-330, and beside her was the smiling, repellent R-13, with his Negro lips.

My first thought was to rush to her and cry, “Why with him? Why did you not want...?” But the salutary invisible spider-web bound fast my hands and feet; so, gritting my teeth together I sat stiff as iron, my gaze fixed upon them. A sharp physical pain at my heart. I remember my thought: “if non-physical causes effect physical pain, then it is clear that....”

My first thought was to rush to her and cry, “Why with him? Why didn't you want...?” But the invisible spiderweb held my hands and feet fast, which was a good thing. So I gritted my teeth and sat stiff as iron, staring at them. A sharp physical pain struck my heart. I remember thinking: “if non-physical causes produce physical pain, then clearly....”

I regret that I did not come to any conclusion. I remember only that something about “soul” flashed through my mind, a purely nonsensical ancient expression, “His soul fell into his boots” passed through my head. My heart sank. The hexameter came to an end. It was about to start. What “It”?

I regret that I reached no conclusion. I remember only that something about “soul” flashed through my mind. A purely nonsensical ancient expression came to me: “His soul fell into his boots”. My heart sank. The hexameter ended. It was about to start. What “It”?

The five minute pre-election recess established by custom. The custom-established pre-electional silence. But now it was not that pious, really prayer-like silence that it usually was. Now it was as in the ancient days when there were no Accumulating Towers, when the sky, still untamed in those days, would roar from time to time with its “storms.” It was like the “lull before the storm” of the ancient days. The air seemed to be made of transparent, vaporized cast-iron. One wanted to breathe with one’s mouth wide open. My hearing, intense to painfulness, registered from behind a mouse-like, gnawing, worried whisper. Without lifting my eyes I saw those two, I-330 and R-13, side by side, shoulder to shoulder,—and on my knees my trembling, foreign, hateful, hairy hands....

The customary five-minute break before the election. The customary silence before the election. But now the silence was not reverent, almost prayerful, as it usually was. It was like the ancient days before the Accumulating Towers, when the untamed sky would sometimes roar with “storms.” It was like the “lull before the storm” in those ancient days. The air seemed to be made of transparent, vaporized cast iron. I wanted to breathe with my mouth wide open. My hearing was painfully sharp. From behind me, I heard an anxious whisper, gnawing like a mouse. Without looking up, I saw those two, I-330 and R-13, side by side, shoulder to shoulder. And on my knees I saw my trembling, alien, hateful, hairy hands....

Everybody was holding a badge with a clock in his hands. One.... Two.... Three.... Five minutes. From the main platform a cast-iron, slow voice:

Everyone was holding a badge with a clock in their hands. One.... Two.... Three.... Five minutes. From the main platform came a slow, cast-iron voice:

“Those in favor shall lift their hands.”

“Those in favor, raise your hands.”

If only I dared to look straight into his eyes as formerly! Straight and devotedly, and think: “Here I am, my whole self! Take me!” But now I did not dare. I had to make an effort to raise my hand, as if my joints were rusty.

If only I dared to look straight into his eyes as I used to! To look straight at him with devotion and think: “Here I am, my whole self! Take me!” But now I didn’t dare. I had to struggle to raise my hand, as if my joints were rusty.

A whisper of millions of hands. Someone’s subdued “Ah!” and I felt something was coming, falling heavily, but I could not understand what it was, and I did not have the strength or courage to take a look....

A whisper of millions of hands. Someone said “Ah!” softly. I felt something coming, falling heavily, but I couldn’t tell what it was. I didn’t have the strength or courage to look....

“Those opposed?”...

“Anyone opposed?”...

This was always the most magnificent moment of our celebration: all would remain sitting motionless, joyfully bowing their heads under the salutary yoke of that Number of Numbers. But now, to my horror again I heard a rustle; light as a sigh, yet it was more distinct even than the brass tube of the Hymn. Thus the last sigh in a man’s life, around him people with their faces pale and with drops of cold sweat upon their foreheads.... I lifted my eyes and....

This was always the most magnificent moment of our celebration. Everyone would remain seated and motionless, joyfully bowing their heads under the beneficial yoke of that Number of Numbers. But now, to my horror, I heard a rustle again. It was as light as a sigh, yet clearer than even the brass tube of the Hymn. Like a man’s last sigh, with people around him, their faces pale and cold sweat on their foreheads.... I raised my eyes and....

It took one hundredth of a second only; I saw thousands of hands arise “opposed” and fall back. I saw the pale cross-marked face of I-330 and her lifted hand. Darkness came upon my eyes.

It took only one hundredth of a second. I saw thousands of hands rise “opposed” and fall back. I saw I-330’s pale, cross-marked face and her raised hand. Darkness came over my eyes.

Another hundredth of a second, silence. Quiet. The pulse. Then, as if at the sign of some mad conductor, from all the stands rattling, shouting, a whirlwind of unifs lifted by the rush, the perplexed figures of the Guardians running to and fro. Someone’s heels in the air near my eyes and close to those heels someone’s wide-open mouth tearing itself by an inaudible scream. For some reason this picture remains particularly distinct in my memory: thousands of mouths noiselessly yelling as if on the screen of a monstrous cinema. Also as if on a screen, somewhere below at a distance, for a second—O-90, pressed against the wall in a passage, her lips white, defending her abdomen with her crossed arms. She disappeared as if washed away by a wave, or else I simply forgot her because....

Another hundredth of a second, silence. Quiet. The pulse. Then, as if at a mad conductor’s signal, rattling and shouting came from all the stands. A whirlwind of unifs rose in the rush, and the bewildered Guardians ran back and forth. Someone’s heels flew through the air near my eyes. Close to those heels, someone’s wide-open mouth strained in a scream I could not hear. For some reason, this picture remains especially clear in my memory: thousands of mouths screaming silently, as if on the screen of a monstrous cinema. Then, also as if on a screen, I saw O-90 for a second, somewhere below and in the distance. She was pressed against the wall in a passage, her lips white, protecting her abdomen with her arms crossed over it. She disappeared as if a wave had washed her away, or perhaps I simply forgot her because....

This not on the screen any more but within me, within my compressed heart, within the rapidly pulsating temples; over my head, somewhat to the left, R-13 suddenly jumped upon a bench, all sprinkling, red, rabid. In his arms was I-330, pale, her unif torn from shoulder to breast, red blood on white. She firmly held him round the neck, and he with huge leaps from bench to bench, repellent and agile, like a gorilla, was carrying her away upward.

This was no longer on the screen but inside me, inside my tight heart and rapidly throbbing temples. Above me, slightly to the left, R-13 suddenly jumped onto a bench, dripping, red, and frantic. He held I-330 in his arms. She was pale, her unif torn from shoulder to breast, red blood on white. She held him firmly around the neck. He carried her upward in huge leaps from bench to bench, repulsive and agile, like a gorilla.

As if it were in a fire of ancient days, everything became red around me. Only one thing in my head: to jump after them, to catch them. At this moment I cannot explain to myself the source of that strength within me, but like a battering-ram I broke through the crowd, over somebody’s shoulders, over a bench and I was there in a moment and caught R-13 by the collar:

Everything around me turned red, as if in a fire from ancient times. I had only one thought: to jump after them and catch them. Even now, I cannot explain where I found the strength. But I broke through the crowd like a battering ram, over someone’s shoulders and over a bench. In a moment, I was there and grabbed R-13 by the collar:

“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare, I say! Immediately—”

“Don’t you dare! I said, don’t you dare! Right now...”

Fortunately no one could hear my voice, as everyone was shouting and running.

Luckily, no one could hear my voice because everyone was shouting and running.

“Who is it? What is the matter? What—” R-13 turned around; his sprinkling lips were trembling. He apparently thought it was one of the Guardians.

“Who is it? What’s the matter? What...” R-13 turned around. His lips trembled, spraying saliva. He apparently thought it was one of the Guardians.

“What? I do not want—I won’t allow—Put her down at once!”

“What? I don’t want to. I won’t allow it. Put her down right now!”

But he only sprinkled angrily with his lips, shook his head and ran on. Then I ... I am terribly ashamed to write all this down but I believe I must, so that you, my unknown readers, may make a complete study of my disease.... Then I hit him over the head with all my might. You understand? I hit him. This I remember distinctly. I remember also a feeling of liberation that followed my action, a feeling of lightness in my whole body.

But he only sputtered angrily, shook his head, and ran on. Then I ... I am terribly ashamed to write all this down. But I believe I must, so that you, my unknown readers, may study my disease fully.... Then I hit him over the head with all my strength. Do you understand? I hit him. I remember that clearly. I also remember feeling free afterward, and feeling light all over.

I-330 slid quickly out of his arms.

I-330 quickly slipped out of his arms.

“Go away!” she shouted to R-, “Don’t you see that he—? Go!”

“Go away!” she shouted to R-. “Don’t you see that he... ? Go!”

R-13 showed his white negro teeth, sprinkled into my face some word, dived down and disappeared. And I picked up I-330, pressed her firmly to myself and carried her away.

R-13 showed his white teeth in a Black grin, tossed a word in my face, then dived down and disappeared. And I picked up I-330, held her tightly against me, and carried her away.

My heart was beating forcibly. It seemed enormous. And with every beat it would splash out such a thundering, such a hot, such a joyful wave! A flash: “Let them, below there, let them toss and rush and yell and fall; what matter if something has fallen, if something has been shattered to dust?— Little matter! Only to remain this way and carry her, carry and carry....”

My heart was pounding. It seemed enormous. With every beat, it sent out a thundering, hot, joyful wave! A sudden thought: “Let them down below thrash about, rush, yell, and fall. What does it matter if something has fallen, if something has been shattered to dust? It hardly matters! I only want to stay like this and carry her, carry her on and on....”

The Same Evening, Twenty-two o’Clock.

The same evening, 10 o’clock.

I hold my pen with great difficulty. Such an extraordinary fatigue after all the dizzying events of this morning. Is it possible that the strong, salutary, centuries-old walls of the United State have fallen? Is it possible that we are again without a roof over our heads, back in the wild state of freedom like our remote ancestors? Is it possible that we have lost our Well-Doer? “Opposed!” On the Day of Unanimity—opposed! I am ashamed of them, painfully, fearfully ashamed.... But who are “they”? And who am I? “They,” “We”...? Do I know?

I can barely hold my pen. I am so exhausted after all the dizzying events of this morning. Could the strong, protective, centuries-old walls of the United State have fallen? Could we be without a roof over our heads again? Are we back in the wild state of freedom, like our distant ancestors? Could we have lost our Well-Doer? “Opposed!” On the Day of Unanimity, opposed! I am ashamed of them, painfully, terribly ashamed.... But who are “they”? And who am I? “They,” “We”...? Do I know?

I shall continue.

I will continue.

She was sitting where I had brought her on the uppermost glass bench which was hot from the sun. Her right shoulder and the beginning of the wonderful and incalculable curve were uncovered,—an exceedingly thin serpent of blood. She seemed not to be aware of the blood, or that her breast was uncovered. No, I will say rather: she seemed to see all that and seemed to feel that it was essential to her, that if her unif were buttoned she would have torn it, she would have....

She sat where I had brought her, on the highest glass bench, hot from the sun. Her right shoulder and the beginning of that wonderful, incalculable curve were bare, with a thin serpent of blood. She seemed unaware of the blood or her uncovered breast. No, rather, she seemed to see it all and feel that it was essential to her. If her unif had been buttoned, she would have torn it open, she would have....

“And tomorrow!” She breathed the words through sparkling white clenched teeth, “Tomorrow, nobody knows what ... do you understand? Neither I nor anyone else knows; it is unknown! Do you realize what a joy it is? Do you realize that all that was certain has come to an end? Now ... things will be new, improbable, unforeseen!”

“And tomorrow!” she breathed through her clenched, sparkling white teeth. “Tomorrow, nobody knows what ... do you understand? Neither I nor anyone else knows. It’s unknown! Do you realize what a joy that is? Do you realize that everything certain has come to an end? Now ... things will be new, improbable, unforeseen!”

Below the human waves were still foaming, tossing, roaring, but they seemed to be very far away, and to be growing more and more distant. For she was looking at me. She slowly drew me into herself through the narrow, golden windows of her pupils. We thus remained silent for a long while. And for some reason I recalled how once I watched some queer yellow pupils through the Green Wall, while above the Wall birds were soaring (or was this another time?).

Below, the waves of people still foamed, surged, and roared. But they seemed far away and were growing more distant. For she was looking at me. Slowly, she drew me into herself through the narrow, golden windows of her pupils. We stayed like that in silence for a long time. For some reason, I remembered watching some strange yellow pupils through the Green Wall. Birds were soaring above the Wall (or was that another time?).

“Listen, if nothing particular happens tomorrow, I shall take you there; do you understand?”

“Listen, if nothing special happens tomorrow, I’ll take you there. Do you understand?”

No, I did not understand but I nodded in silence. I was dissolved, I became infinitesimal, a geometrical point....

No, I didn’t understand, but I nodded silently. I dissolved. I became infinitely small, a geometric point....

After all, there is some logic,—a peculiar logic of today, in this state of being a point. A point has more unknowns than any other entity. If a point should start to move, it might become thousands of curves, or hundreds of solids.

After all, there is some logic to being a point, a peculiar logic of today. A point has more unknowns than anything else. If a point started to move, it could become thousands of curves or hundreds of solids.

I was afraid to budge. What might I have become if I had moved? It seemed to me that everybody like myself was afraid now of even the most minute of motions.

I was afraid to move. What might I have become if I had moved? It seemed to me that everyone, like me, was now afraid to make even the slightest movement.

At this moment, for instance, as I sit and write, everyone is sitting hidden in his glass cell, expecting something. I do not hear the buzzing of the elevators, usual at this hour, or laughter or steps, from time to time Numbers pass in couples through the hall, whispering, on tip-toe....

Right now, for example, as I sit and write, everyone is sitting hidden in a glass cell, waiting for something. I don't hear the elevators buzzing as they usually do at this hour. I hear no laughter or footsteps. From time to time, Numbers pass through the hall in pairs, whispering and walking on tiptoe....

What will happen tomorrow? What will become of me tomorrow?

What will happen tomorrow? What will happen to me tomorrow?