Record Thirty-One

Saved! At the very last moment, when it seemed that there was nothing to hold to, that it was the end!...

Saved! At the very last moment, when it seemed there was nothing to hold on to, that it was the end!...

It was as if you already ascended the steps towards the threatening machine of the Well-Doer, or as if the great glass Bell with a heavy thud already covered you, and for the last time in life you looked at the blue sky to swallow it with your eyes ... when suddenly, it was only a dream! The sun is pink and cheerful and the wall ... what happiness to be able to touch the cold wall! And the pillow! To delight endlessly in the little cavity formed by your own head in the white pillow!... This is approximately what I felt, when I read the State Journal this morning. It has been all a terrible dream and this dream is over. And I was so feeble, so unfaithful, that I thought of selfish, voluntary death! I am ashamed now to reread the last lines of yesterday. But let them remain as a memory of that incredible might-have-happened, which will not happen! On the front page of the State Journal the following gleamed:

It was as if you had already climbed the steps toward the Well-Doer’s threatening machine. Or as if the great glass Bell had already dropped over you with a heavy thud. For the last time in your life, you looked at the blue sky, drinking it in with your eyes ... And then, suddenly, it was only a dream! The sun is pink and cheerful, and the wall ... what happiness to be able to touch the cold wall! And the pillow! To take endless delight in the little hollow your own head has made in the white pillow! ... That is more or less what I felt when I read the State Journal this morning. It has all been a terrible dream, and the dream is over. And I was so weak, so unfaithful, that I thought of selfish, voluntary death! I am ashamed now to reread the last lines I wrote yesterday. But let them stay as a reminder of what almost happened, though it seemed impossible, and will not happen! On the front page of the State Journal, the following words gleamed:

You, had you read all this not in my records which look like an ancient strange novel, had you like me held in your trembling hands the newspaper, smelling of typographic ink ... if you knew as I do, that all this is most certain reality, if not the reality of today, then that of tomorrow,—would you not feel the very things I feel? Would not your head whirl as mine does? Would there not run over your back and arms those strange, sweet, icy needles? Would you not feel that you were a giant, an Atlas?—that if only you stood up and straightened out you would reach the ceiling with your head?

Suppose you had read all this in the newspaper, as I did, holding it in trembling hands and smelling the printing ink. Suppose you had not read it in my records, which look like a strange old novel. And suppose you knew, as I do, that all this is certainly real, if not today, then tomorrow. Would you not feel exactly what I feel? Would your head not spin as mine does? Would you not feel those strange, sweet, icy needles running over your back and arms? Would you not feel like a giant, an Atlas? Would you not feel that if you stood up and straightened out, your head would reach the ceiling?

I snatched the telephone receiver.

I grabbed the phone receiver.

“I-330. Yes.... Yes. Yes ... 330!” And then, swallowing my own words I shouted, “Are you at home? Yes? Have you read? You are reading now? Is it not, is it not stupendous?”

“I-330. Yes.... Yes. Yes ... 330!” Then, stumbling over my words, I shouted, “Are you home? Yes? Have you read it? Are you reading it now? Isn’t it, isn’t it amazing?”

“Yes....” A long, dark silence. The wires buzzed almost imperceptibly. She was thinking.

“Yes....” A long, dark silence followed. The wires buzzed almost too faintly to hear. She was thinking.

“I must see you today without fail. Yes, in my room, after sixteen, without fail!”

“I have to see you today, no matter what. Yes, in my room, after four, no matter what!”

Dear ... she is such a dear!... “Without fail!” I was smiling and I could not stop, I felt I should carry that smile with me into the street like a light above my head.

Dear ... she is so dear!... “Without fail!” I was smiling and couldn't stop. I felt I should carry that smile into the street like a light above my head.

Outside the wind ran over me, whirling, whistling, whipping, but I felt even more cheerful. “All right, go on, go on moaning and groaning! The Walls cannot be torn down.” Flying leaden clouds broke over my head ... well let them! They could not eclipse the sun! We chained it to the zenith like so many Joshuas, sons of Nuns!

Outside, the wind swirled around me, whistling and whipping, but I felt even more cheerful. “All right, go on, keep moaning and groaning! The Walls cannot be torn down.” Dark, heavy clouds rushed over my head ... well, let them! They could not block out the sun! We chained it at its highest point, like so many Joshuas, sons of Nuns!

At the corner a group of Joshuas, sons of Nuns, were standing with their foreheads pasted to the glass of the wall. Inside, on a dazzling white table already a Number lay. One could see two naked soles diverging from under the sheet in a yellow angle.... White medics bent over his head,—a white hand, a stretched-out hand holding a syringe filled with something....

At the corner, a group of Joshuas, sons of Nuns, stood with their foreheads pressed against the glass wall. Inside, a Number was already lying on a dazzling white table. Two bare soles stuck out from under the sheet, forming a yellow angle.... Medics dressed in white bent over his head. A white hand stretched out, holding a syringe filled with something....

“And you, what are you waiting for?” I asked nobody in particular, or rather all of them.

“What are you waiting for?” I asked no one in particular, or rather, I asked all of them.

“And you?” Someone’s round head turned to me.

“And you?” Someone’s round head turned toward me.

“I? Oh, afterward! I must first....” Somewhat confused, I left the place. I really had to see I-330 first. But why first? I could not explain to myself....

“Me? Oh, afterward! First I have to....” A little confused, I left. I really did have to see I-330 first. But why first? I couldn’t explain it to myself....

The docks. The Integral, bluish like ice, was glistening and sparkling. The engine was caressingly grumbling, repeating some one word, as if it were my word, a familiar one. I bent down and stroked the long, cold tube of the motor. “Dear! What a dear tube! Tomorrow it will come to life, tomorrow for the first time it will tremble with burning, flaming streams in its bowels.”

The docks. The Integral, blue as ice, glittered and sparkled. The engine rumbled gently, repeating a single word, as if it were my own word, a familiar one. I bent down and stroked the motor’s long, cold tube. “Dear! What a dear tube! Tomorrow it will come to life. Tomorrow, for the first time, it will tremble with burning, flaming streams inside it.”

With what eyes would I have looked at the glass monster had everything remained as it was yesterday? If I knew that tomorrow at twelve I should betray it, yes, betray.... Someone behind cautiously touched my elbow. I turned around. The plate-like, flat face of the Second Builder.

How would I have looked at the glass monster if everything had stayed as it was yesterday? If I knew that tomorrow at twelve I would betray it, yes, betray it.... Someone behind me cautiously touched my elbow. I turned around. It was the Second Builder, with his flat, plate-like face.

“Do you know already?” he asked.

“Do you already know?” he asked.

“What? About the Operation? Yes. How everything, everything ... suddenly....”

“What? About the Operation? Yes. How everything, everything... suddenly...”

“No, not that. The trial flight is put off until day-after-tomorrow,—on account of that Operation. They rushed us for nothing; we hurried....”

“No, not that. The trial flight has been postponed until the day after tomorrow because of that Operation. They rushed us for nothing. We hurried....”

“On account of that Operation!” Funny, limited man. He could see no farther than his own platter! If only he knew that but for the Operation tomorrow at twelve he would be locked-up in a glass cage, would be tossing about, trying to climb the walls!

“Because of that Operation!” What a funny, narrow-minded man. He could see no farther than his own plate! If only he knew what would happen without the Operation tomorrow at twelve. He would be locked in a glass cage, thrashing about and trying to climb the walls!

At twelve-thirty when I came into my room I saw U-. She was sitting at my table, firm, straight, bone-like, resting her right cheek on her hand. She must have waited for a long while because when she brusquely rose to meet me there remained on her cheek five white imprints of her fingers.

At twelve-thirty, I came into my room and saw U-. She sat at my table, rigid and straight as a bone, her right cheek resting on her hand. She must have been waiting a long time. When she rose abruptly to meet me, five white finger marks remained on her cheek.

For a second that terrible morning came back to me; she beside I-330, indignant. But for a second only. All was at once washed off by the sun of today, as it happens sometimes when you enter your room on a bright day and absent-mindedly turn on the light, the bulb shines but it is out of place, droll, unnecessary.

For a second, that terrible morning came back to me: she was beside I-330, indignant. But only for a second. Today's sun washed it all away at once. It was like entering your room on a bright day and absentmindedly turning on the light. The bulb shines, but it looks out of place, silly, and unnecessary.

Without hesitation I held out my hand to her; I forgave her everything. She firmly grasped both my hands and pressed them till they hurt. Her cheeks quivering and hanging down like ancient precious ornaments, she said with emotion:

Without hesitation, I held out my hand to her. I forgave her everything. She gripped both my hands tightly and squeezed them until they hurt. Her cheeks trembled and hung down like ancient precious ornaments. She spoke with emotion:

“I was waiting.... I want only one moment.... I only wanted to say ... how happy, how joyous I am for you! You realize of course, that tomorrow or day-after-tomorrow you will be healthy again, as if born anew.”

“I was waiting.... I just need a moment.... I only wanted to say ... how happy, how joyful I am for you! You know, of course, that tomorrow or the day after, you’ll be healthy again, as if you’d been born again.”

I noticed my papers on the table; the last two pages of my record of yesterday; they were in the place where I left them the night before. If only she knew what I wrote there! Although I did not care after all. Now it was only history; it was the ridiculously far off distance like an image through a reversed opera-glass.

I noticed my papers on the table, the last two pages of yesterday’s record. They were where I had left them the night before. If only she knew what I had written there! Although, after all, I didn’t care. Now it was only history. It seemed ridiculously far away, like an image seen through the wrong end of opera glasses.

“Yes,” I said, “a while ago, while passing through the avenue, I saw a man walking ahead of me. His shadow stretched along the pavement and think of it! his shadow was luminous! I think, more than that, I am absolutely certain that tomorrow all shadows will disappear. Not a shadow from any person or any thing! The sun will be shining through everything.”

“Yes,” I said, “a while ago, I was walking along the avenue when I saw a man ahead of me. His shadow stretched along the pavement. And imagine this! His shadow was glowing! I think, no, I’m absolutely certain that tomorrow all shadows will disappear. No person or thing will cast a shadow! The sun will shine through everything.”

She, gently and earnestly:

She spoke gently and earnestly:

“You are a dreamer! I should not allow my children in school to talk that way.”

“You are a dreamer! I wouldn't allow my children to talk that way at school.”

She told me something about the children; that they were all led in one herd to the Operation; that it was necessary to bind them afterward with ropes; and that one must love pitilessly, “yes, pitilessly,” and that she thought she might finally decide to....

She told me something about the children. They had all been led as one herd to the Operation. Afterward, they had to be tied up with ropes. She said one must love without pity, “yes, without pity.” She thought she might finally decide to....

She smoothed out the grayish-blue fold of the unif that fell between her knees, swiftly pasted her smiles all over me and went out.

She smoothed the grayish-blue fold of her unif between her knees. Then she quickly pasted her smiles all over me and left.

Fortunately the sun did not stop today. The sun was running. It was already sixteen o’clock.... I was knocking at the door, my heart was knocking....

Fortunately, the sun did not stop today. It was racing across the sky. It was already four o’clock.... I was knocking at the door, and my heart was pounding....

“Come in!”

“Come in!”

I threw myself upon the floor near her chair, to embrace her limbs, to lift my head upward and look into her eyes, first into one then into the other, and in each of them to see the reflection of myself in wonderful captivity....

I threw myself on the floor beside her chair and wrapped my arms around her legs. I lifted my head and looked into her eyes, first one, then the other. In each eye, I saw my own reflection, held in wonderful captivity....

There beyond the wall it looked stormy, there the clouds were leaden,—let them be! My head was overcrowded with impetuous words, and I was speaking aloud, and flying with the sun I knew not where.... No, now we know where we are flying; planets were following me, planets sparkling with flame and populated with fiery, singing flowers and mute planets, blue ones where rational stones were unified into one organized society, and planets which like our own earth had reached already the apex of one hundred per-cent happiness.

Beyond the wall, it looked stormy, and the clouds were leaden. Let them be! My head was overflowing with rushing words, and I was speaking aloud. I was flying with the sun, but I didn't know where.... No, now we know where we are flying. Planets followed me. Some sparkled with flame and were populated by fiery, singing flowers. Others were silent. On blue planets, rational stones were united in a single organized society. And some planets, like our own earth, had already reached the peak of one hundred percent happiness.

Suddenly from above:

Suddenly, from above:

“And don’t you think that at the apex are, precisely, stones unified into an organized society?” The triangle grew sharper and sharper, darker and darker.

“And don’t you think that at the very top are stones united into an organized society?” The triangle grew sharper and sharper, darker and darker.

“Happiness ... well?... Desires are tortures, are they not? It is clear therefore, that happiness is where there are no longer any desires, not a single desire any more. What an error, what an absurd prejudice it was, that formerly we would mark happiness with the sign ‘plus’! No, absolute happiness must be marked ‘minus,’—divine minus!”

“Happiness ... well? Desires are torture, aren’t they? So clearly, happiness is where there are no desires left, not a single one. What a mistake, what an absurd prejudice, to mark happiness with a ‘plus’ sign in the past! No, absolute happiness must be marked ‘minus,’ the divine minus!”

I remember I stammered unintelligibly:

I remember stammering words no one could understand:

“Absolute zero!—minus 273° C.”

“Absolute zero! Minus 273° C.”

“Minus 273°—exactly! A somewhat cool temperature. But does it not prove that we are at the summit?”

“Exactly minus 273°! A little chilly. But doesn't that prove we're at the top?”

As before she seemed somehow to speak for me and through me, developing to the end my own thoughts. But there was something so morbid in her tone that I could not refrain ... with an effort I drew out a “No.”

As before, she seemed somehow to speak for me and through me, carrying my own thoughts to their conclusion. But there was something so morbid in her tone that I couldn't hold back ... with an effort, I managed to say “No.”

“No,” I said, “You, you are mocking....”

“No,” I said, “you, you’re making fun of me....”

She burst out laughing loudly, too loudly. Swiftly, in a second, she laughed herself to some unseen edge, stumbled and fell over.... Silence.

She burst out laughing loudly, too loudly. In a second, her laughter carried her to some unseen edge. She stumbled and fell over.... Silence.

She stood up, put her hands upon my shoulders and looked into me for a long while. Then she pulled me toward her and everything seemed to have disappeared save her sharp, hot lips....

She stood up, put her hands on my shoulders, and looked deep into me for a long time. Then she pulled me toward her. Everything seemed to disappear except her sharp, hot lips....

“Good-bye.”

“Goodbye.”

The words came from afar, from above, and reached me not at once, only after a minute, perhaps two minutes later.

The words came from far away, from above. They took a minute, perhaps two, to reach me.

“Why ... why ‘good-bye’?”

“Why ... why ‘goodbye’?”

“You have been ill, have you not? Because of me you have committed crimes. Has not all this tormented you? And now you have the Operation to look forward to. You will be cured of me. And that means—good-bye.”

“You’ve been ill, haven’t you? You’ve committed crimes because of me. Hasn’t all of this tormented you? And now you have the Operation to look forward to. You’ll be cured of me. And that means goodbye.”

“No!” I cried.

“No!” I cried.

A pitilessly sharp black triangle on a white background.

A mercilessly sharp black triangle against a white background.

“What? Do you mean that you don’t want happiness?”

“What? You mean you don’t want happiness?”

My head was breaking into pieces; two logical trains collided and crawled upon each other, rattling and smothering....

My head was breaking into pieces. Two trains of thought collided and crawled over each other, rattling and smothering....

“Well, I am waiting. You must choose; the Operation and hundred per-cent happiness, or....”

“Well, I’m waiting. You have to choose: the Operation and one hundred percent happiness, or....”

“I cannot ... without you.... I must not ... without you....” I said, or perhaps I only thought, I am not sure which, but I-330 heard.

“I cannot ... without you.... I must not ... without you....” I said this, or perhaps I only thought it. I’m not sure which. But I-330 heard.

“Yes, I know,” she said. Then, her hands still on my shoulders and her eyes not letting my eyes go, “Then ... until tomorrow. Tomorrow at twelve. You remember?”

“Yes, I know,” she said. She kept her hands on my shoulders and held my gaze. “Then ... until tomorrow. Tomorrow at twelve. You remember?”

“No, it was postponed for a day. Day-after-tomorrow!”

“No, it was postponed by one day. The day after tomorrow!”

“So much the better for us. At twelve, day-after-tomorrow!”

“All the better for us. At twelve, the day after tomorrow!”

I walked alone in the dusky street. The wind was whirling, carrying, driving me like a piece of paper; fragments of the leaden sky were soaring, soaring—they had to soar through the infinite for another day or two....

I walked alone down the dim street. The wind swirled around me, carrying and driving me like a piece of paper. Fragments of the leaden sky were soaring, soaring. They had to soar through infinity for another day or two....

Unifs of Numbers were brushing my sides,—yet I was walking alone. It was clear to me that all were saved but that there was no salvation for me. For I do not want salvation....

The Unifs of Numbers brushed against my sides, but I walked alone. I could see that all were saved, but there was no salvation for me. Because I do not want salvation....