Record Thirty-Nine

8 min

The End

All this was like the last crystal of salt thrown into a saturated solution; quickly, needle-like crystals began to appear, to grow more substantial and solid. It was clear to me; the decision was made and tomorrow morning I shall do it! It amounts to suicide but perhaps then I shall be re-born. For only what is killed can be re-born.

All this was like the last crystal of salt dropped into a saturated solution. Needle-like crystals quickly began to appear, growing larger and more solid. Everything was clear to me. The decision was made, and tomorrow morning I will do it! It amounts to suicide, but perhaps then I will be reborn. For only what is killed can be reborn.

Every second the sky twitched in convulsion there in the west. My head was burning and pulsating inside; I was up all night and I fell asleep only at about seven o’clock in the morning when the darkness of the night was already dispelled and becoming gray and when the roofs crowded with birds became visible....

Every second, the sky in the west twitched in convulsions. My head burned and throbbed inside. I was up all night and fell asleep only around seven in the morning. By then, the darkness was fading to gray, and the roofs crowded with birds had come into view....

I woke up; ten o’clock. Evidently the bell did not ring today. On the table—left from yesterday—there stood the glass of water. I gulped the water down with avidity and I ran; I had to do it quickly, as quickly as possible.

I woke up. It was ten o’clock. Apparently, the bell hadn’t rung today. The glass of water was still on the table from yesterday. I gulped it down eagerly and ran. I had to do it quickly, as quickly as possible.

The sky was deserted, blue, all eaten up by the storm. Sharp corners of shadows.... Everything seemed to be cut out of blue autumnal air—thin, dangerous to touch; it seemed so brittle, ready to disperse into glass dust. Within me something similar; I ought not to think; it was dangerous to think, for....

The sky was empty and blue, the storm having eaten it all up. Sharp corners of shadows.... Everything seemed cut from the blue autumn air. It all seemed thin and dangerous to touch, so brittle it could scatter into glass dust. Something similar was inside me. I must not think. It was dangerous to think, because....

And I did not think, perhaps I did not even see properly; I only registered impressions. There on the pavement, thrown from somewhere, branches were strewn; their leaves were green, amber and cherry-red. Above, crossing each other, birds and aeros were tossing about. Here below heads, open mouths, hands waving branches.... All this must have been shouting, buzzing, chirping....

And I didn't think. Perhaps I didn't even see properly. I only registered impressions. Branches, thrown from somewhere, lay scattered on the pavement. Their leaves were green, amber, and cherry-red. Above, birds and aeros darted about, crossing paths. Below were heads, open mouths, and hands waving branches.... All of it must have been shouting, buzzing, chirping....

Then—streets empty as if swept by a plague. I remember I stumbled over something disgustingly soft, yielding yet motionless. I bent down—a corpse. It was lying flat, the legs apart. The face.... I recognized the thick negro lips which even now seemed to sprinkle with laughter. His eyes, firmly screwed in, laughed into my face. One second.... I stepped over him and ran. I could no longer.... I had to have everything done as soon as possible, or else I felt I would break, I would break in two like an overloaded sail....

Then the streets were empty, as if swept by a plague. I remember stumbling over something disgustingly soft, yielding but motionless. I bent down. It was a corpse, lying flat with its legs apart. The face.... I recognized the thick Black lips, which even now seemed to sparkle with laughter. His tightly shut eyes laughed into my face. One second.... I stepped over him and ran. I couldn't go on.... I had to get everything done as soon as possible, or I felt I would break. I would break in two like an overloaded sail....

Luckily it was not more than twenty steps away; I already saw the sign with the golden letters: “The Bureau of Guardians.” At the door I stopped for a moment to gulp down as much air as I could and stepped in.

Luckily, it was no more than twenty steps away. I could already see the sign in gold letters: “The Bureau of Guardians.” At the door, I stopped for a moment to take as deep a breath as I could, then stepped inside.

Inside, in the corridor stood an endless chain of numbers, holding small sheets of paper and heavy note-books. They moved slowly, advancing a step or two and stopping again. I began to be tossed about along the chain, my head was breaking to pieces; I pulled them by the sleeves, I implored them as a sick man implores to be given something that would even at the price of sharpest pain end everything, forever.

Inside, an endless line of numbers stood in the corridor, holding small sheets of paper and heavy notebooks. They moved slowly, taking a step or two before stopping again. I was tossed about along the line, my head splitting apart. I pulled at their sleeves and begged them, like a sick man begging for something to end everything forever, even at the cost of the sharpest pain.

A woman with a belt tightly clasped around her waist over the unif and with two distinctly protruding squatty hemispheres tossing about as if she had eyes on them, chuckled at me:

A woman wore a belt tightly fastened around her waist over her unif. Two prominent, squat hemispheres bounced as if she had eyes on them. She chuckled at me:

“He has a belly-ache! Show him to the room second door to the right!”

“He has a stomachache! Show him to the second room on the right!”

Everybody laughed, and because of that laughter something rose in my throat; I felt I should either scream or ... or....

Everybody laughed, and the laughter made something rise in my throat. I felt I had to scream or ... or....

Suddenly from behind some one touched my elbow. I turned around. Transparent wing-ears! But they were not pink as usual; they were purplish red; his Adam’s apple was tossing about as though ready to tear the covering....

Suddenly, someone touched my elbow from behind. I turned around. Transparent wing-ears! But they were not pink as usual. They were purplish red. His Adam’s apple was bobbing as if it were about to tear through his skin....

Quickly boring into me: “What are you here for?”

Quickly staring into me: “What are you here for?”

I seized him.

I grabbed him.

“Quickly! Please! Quickly! ... into your office.... I must tell everything ... right away.... I am glad that you.... It may be terrible that it should be you to whom.... But it is well, it is well....”

“Hurry! Please! Hurry! ... into your office.... I have to tell you everything ... right away.... I’m glad you.... It may be terrible that you’re the one I have to tell.... But it’s all right, it’s all right....”

He too, knew her; this made it even more tormenting for me. But perhaps he too, would tremble when he should hear.... And we would both be killing.... And I would not be alone at that, my supreme second....

He knew her too, and that made it even more tormenting for me. But perhaps he too would tremble when he heard.... And we would both be killing.... And I would not be alone in that supreme moment of mine....

The door closed with a slam. I remember a piece of paper was caught beneath the door and it rustled on the floor when the door closed. And then a strange airless silence covered us as if a glass bell were put over us. If only he had uttered a single, most insignificant word, no matter what, I should have told him everything at once. But he was silent. So keyed up that I heard a noise in my ears, I said without looking at him:

The door slammed shut. I remember a piece of paper caught beneath it, rustling on the floor as it closed. Then a strange, airless silence settled over us, as if a glass bell had been placed over us. If he had said even one word, no matter how insignificant, I would have told him everything at once. But he was silent. I was so tense that I heard a noise in my ears. Without looking at him, I said:

“I think I always hated her from the very beginning.... I struggled.... Or, no, no, don’t believe me; I could have but I did not want to save myself; I wanted to perish; this was dearer to me than anything else ... and even now, even this minute, when I know already everything.... Do you know that I was summoned to the Well-Doer?”

“I think I hated her from the very beginning.... I struggled.... No, no, don’t believe me. I could have saved myself, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to perish. That mattered more to me than anything else ... and even now, even this minute, when I already know everything.... Do you know that I was summoned to the Well-Doer?”

“Yes, I do.”

“But what he told me! Please realize that it was equivalent to ... it was as if some one should remove the floor from under you this minute, and you and all here on the desk, the papers, the ink ... the ink would splash out and cover everything with blots....”

“But what he told me! Please understand what it was like ... It was as if someone pulled the floor out from under you right now. You and everything here on the desk, the papers, the ink ... the ink would splash out and cover everything with blots....”

“What else? What further? Hurry up, others are waiting!”

“What else? What next? Hurry up, others are waiting!”

Then stumbling, muttering, I told him everything that is recorded in these pages.... About my real self, and about my hairy self, and about my hands ... yes ... exactly that was the beginning. And how I would not do my duty then, and how I lied to myself, and how she obtained false certificates for me, and how I grew worse and worse, every day, and about the long corridors underground, and there beyond the Wall....

Then, stumbling over my words and muttering, I told him everything recorded in these pages.... I told him about my real self, my hairy self, and my hands ... yes ... that was exactly how it began. I told him how I refused to do my duty then, and how I lied to myself. I told him how she got false certificates for me, and how I grew worse and worse every day. And I told him about the long underground corridors, and what was there beyond the Wall....

All this I threw out in formless pieces and lumps. I would stutter and fail to find words. The lips double-curved in a smile would prompt me with the word I needed and I would nod gratefully: “Yes, yes!”.... Suddenly, what was it? He was talking for me and I only listened and nodded: “Yes, yes,” and then, “Yes, exactly so, ... yes, yes....”

I blurted all this out in shapeless bits and chunks. I stuttered and struggled to find words. His lips, curved into a double smile, supplied the words I needed. I nodded gratefully: “Yes, yes!”.... Suddenly, what was happening? He was speaking for me, and I just listened and nodded: “Yes, yes,” and then, “Yes, exactly, ... yes, yes....”

I felt cold around my mouth as though it were wet with ether, and I asked with difficulty:

The area around my mouth felt cold, as if it were wet with ether. I struggled to ask:

“But how is it.... You could not learn anywhere....”

“But how is that possible... You couldn't have learned it anywhere...”

He smiled a smile growing more and more curved; then:

His smile grew more and more curved. Then:

“But I see that you do want to conceal from me something. For example, you enumerated everything you saw beyond the Wall but you failed to mention one thing. You deny it? But don’t you remember that once, just in passing, just for a second you saw me there? Yes, yes me!”

“But I can see that you do want to hide something from me. For example, you listed everything you saw beyond the Wall, but you left out one thing. Do you deny it? But don’t you remember? Once, just in passing, you saw me there for a second. Yes, yes, me!”

Silence.

Suddenly, like a flash of lightning, it became shamelessly clear to me: he—he too—. And all myself, my torment, all that I brought here, crushed by the burden, plucking up my last strength as if performing a great feat, all appeared to me only funny,—like the ancient anecdote about Abraham and Isaac; Abraham all in a cold sweat, with the knife already raised over his son, over himself—and suddenly a voice from above: “Never mind.... I was only joking.”

Suddenly, like a flash of lightning, it became shamelessly clear to me: he, he too.... And all of me, my torment, everything I had brought here, suddenly seemed merely funny. I had been crushed by the burden, gathering my last strength as if performing a great feat. It was like the old story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham was in a cold sweat, his knife already raised over his son, over himself. Then suddenly a voice came from above: “Never mind.... I was only joking.”

Without taking my eyes from the smile which grew more and more curved, I put my hands on the edge of the desk and slowly, very slowly pushed myself with my chair away from him. Then instantly gathering myself into my own hands, I dashed madly out, past loud voices, past steps and mouths....

I kept my eyes on the smile as it grew more and more curved. I put my hands on the edge of the desk and slowly, very slowly, pushed my chair away from him. Then I instantly pulled myself together and dashed wildly out, past loud voices, past footsteps and mouths....

I do not remember how I got into one of the public rest-rooms at a station of the Underground Railway. Above, everything was perishing; the greatest civilization, the most rational in human history was crumbling,—but here, by some irony everything remained as before, beautiful. The walls shone; water murmured cosily and like the water,—the unseen, transparent music.... Only think of it! All this is doomed; all this will be covered with grass, some day; only myths will remain....

I don’t remember how I got into a public restroom at an Underground Railway station. Above, everything was perishing. The greatest, most rational civilization in human history was crumbling. But here, by some irony, everything remained as beautiful as before. The walls shone. Water murmured softly, and the unseen, transparent music murmured like the water.... Just think! All of this is doomed. Someday, all of it will be covered with grass. Only myths will remain....

I moaned aloud. At the same instant I felt someone gently patting my knee. It was from the left; it was my neighbor who occupied a seat on my left,—an enormous forehead, a bald parabola, yellow unintelligible lines of wrinkles on his forehead, those lines about me.

I moaned aloud. At the same moment, I felt someone gently patting my knee from the left. It was my neighbor in the seat to my left. He had an enormous forehead, a bald parabola, and yellow, incomprehensible lines of wrinkles on his forehead, those lines about me.

“I understand you. I understand completely,” he said. “Yet you must calm yourself. You must. It will return. It will inevitably return. It is only important that everybody should learn of my discovery. You are the first to whom I talk about it. I have calculated that there is no infinity! No!”

“I understand you. I understand completely,” he said. “But you must calm down. You must. It will return. It will definitely return. The important thing is that everyone learns about my discovery. You are the first person I’ve told. I’ve calculated that there is no infinity! No!”

I looked at him wildly.

“Yes, yes, I tell you so. There is no infinity. If the universe is infinite, then the average density of matter must equal zero, but as it is not zero, we know, consequently the universe is finite; it is spherical in form and the square of its radius—R2—is equal to the average density multiplied by.... The only thing left is to calculate the numerical coefficient and then.... Do you realize what it means? It means that everything is final, everything is simple.... But you, my honored sir, you disturb me, you prevent my finishing my calculations by your yelling!”

“Yes, yes, I’m telling you. There is no infinity. If the universe were infinite, the average density of matter would have to be zero. But we know it isn’t zero, so the universe is finite. It’s a sphere, and the square of its radius, R2, equals the average density multiplied by.... All that’s left is to calculate the numerical coefficient, and then.... Do you realize what this means? It means everything is final, everything is simple.... But you, my good sir, are disturbing me. Your yelling is keeping me from finishing my calculations!”

I do not know which shattered me more, his discovery, or his positiveness at that apocalyptic hour. I only then noticed that he had a notebook in his hands and a logarithmic dial. I understood then that even if everything was perishing it was my duty (before you, my unknown and beloved) to leave these records in a finished form.

I don't know what shook me more: his discovery or his certainty at that apocalyptic moment. Only then did I notice the notebook and logarithmic dial in his hands. I understood then that even if everything was perishing, I had a duty to finish these records. It was my duty to you, my unknown and beloved.

I asked him to give me some paper, and here in the rest-room to the accompaniment of the quiet music, transparent like water, I wrote down these last lines.

I asked him for some paper. Here in the rest room, I wrote these last lines while quiet music played, clear as water.

I was about to put down a period as the ancients would put a cross over the caves into which they used to throw their dead, when all of a sudden my pencil trembled and fell from between my fingers....

I was about to put down a period, like the crosses the ancients placed over caves where they threw their dead. Suddenly, my pencil trembled and fell from my fingers....

“Listen!” (I pulled my neighbor). “Yes, listen, I say. There where your finite universe ends, what is there? What?”

“Listen!” (I pulled my neighbor.) “Yes, listen to me. What is there beyond the end of your finite universe? What?”

He had no time to answer. From above, down the steps, stamping....