Record Fourteen

I shall continue to relate my adventures of yesterday. I was busy during the personal hour before retiring to bed, and thus I was unable to record everything last night. But everything is graven in me; especially, for some reason, and apparently forever, I shall remember that unbearably cold floor....

I’ll continue telling the story of yesterday’s adventures. I was busy during the personal hour before bed, so I couldn’t write everything down last night. But everything is etched in my memory. For some reason, I’ll remember that unbearably cold floor in particular, apparently forever....

I was expecting O-90 last evening as it was her regular day. I went downstairs to the controller on duty to get a permit for the lowering of my curtains.

I was expecting O-90 last evening because it was her regular day. I went downstairs to the controller on duty to get permission to lower my curtains.

“What is the matter with you?” asked the controller. “You seem so peculiar tonight.”

“What’s wrong with you?” asked the controller. “You seem so strange tonight.”

“I ... I am sick.”

“I ... I am sick.”

Strictly speaking, I told her the truth. I certainly am sick. All this is an illness. Presently I remembered; of course, my certificate! I touched it in my pocket. Yes, there it was, rustling. Then all this did happen! It did actually happen!

Strictly speaking, I told her the truth. I really am sick. All this is an illness. Then I remembered. Of course, my certificate! I felt for it in my pocket. Yes, there it was, rustling. So all this did happen! It really happened!

I held out the paper to the controller. As I did so, I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. Without looking directly at her, I noticed with what an expression of surprise she gazed at me.

I held out the paper to the controller. As I did, I felt my cheeks flush. Without looking directly at her, I noticed that she was staring at me in surprise.

Then at twenty-one-thirty o’clock.... In the room to the left the curtains were lowered, and in the room to the right my neighbor was sitting over a book. His head is bald and covered with bulging lumps. His forehead is enormous—a yellow parabola. I was walking up and down the room—suffering. How could I meet her, after all that happened! O-90, I mean. I felt plainly to my right, how the eyes of my neighbor were staring at me. I clearly saw the wrinkles on his forehead like a row of yellow, illegible lines; and for some reason I was certain that those lines dealt with me.

Then at 9:30 p.m.... In the room to my left, the curtains were drawn. In the room to my right, my neighbor sat reading a book. His head is bald and covered with bulging lumps. His forehead is enormous, a yellow parabola. I paced the room, suffering. How could I meet her after all that had happened! I mean O-90. I could plainly feel my neighbor staring at me from the room to my right. I could clearly see the wrinkles on his forehead, like a row of yellow, unreadable lines. For some reason, I was certain those lines were about me.

A quarter of an hour before twenty-two, the cheerful, rosy whirlwind was in my room; the firm ring of her rosy arms closed about my neck. Then I felt how that ring grew weaker and weaker, and then it broke and her arms dropped....

At 9:45, the cheerful, rosy whirlwind was in my room. Her rosy arms closed firmly around my neck. Then I felt her grip grow weaker and weaker, until it broke and her arms dropped....

“You are not the same, not the same man! You are no longer mine!”

“You’re not the same, not the same man! You’re not mine anymore!”

“What curious terminology: ‘mine.’ I never belonged—” I faltered. It suddenly occurred to me: true, I belonged to no one before, but now—Is it not clear that now I do not live any more in our rational world but in the ancient delirious world, in a world of square-root of minus one?

“What a strange word: ‘mine.’ I never belonged to anyone.” I faltered. It suddenly occurred to me: true, I had belonged to no one before, but now... Isn’t it clear? I no longer live in our rational world. Now I live in the ancient, delirious world, a world of the square root of minus one.

The curtains fell. There to my right my neighbor let his book drop at that moment from the table to the floor. And through the last narrow space between the curtain and the floor I saw a yellow hand pick up the book. Within I felt: “Only to seize that hand with all my power.”

The curtains fell. At that moment, my neighbor to the right let his book fall from the table to the floor. Through the last narrow gap between the curtain and the floor, I saw a yellow hand pick it up. I felt a desire inside me: “If only I could seize that hand with all my strength.”

“I thought ... I wanted to meet you during the hour for the walk. I wanted ... I must talk to you about so many things, so many....”

“I thought ... I wanted to meet you during the walk. I wanted ... I have to talk to you about so many things, so many....”

Poor, dear, O-90. Her rosy mouth was a crescent with its horns downward. But I could not tell her everything, could I, if for no other reason than that it would make her an accomplice of my crimes? I knew that she would not have the courage to report me to the Bureau of Guardians, consequently....

Poor, dear O-90. Her rosy mouth was shaped like a crescent with its points turned down. But I couldn't tell her everything, could I? If nothing else, telling her would make her an accomplice to my crimes. I knew she wouldn't have the courage to report me to the Bureau of Guardians, so....

“My dear O-, I am sick, I am exhausted. I went again today to the Medical Bureau; but it is nothing, it will pass. But let us not talk about it;—let us forget it.”

“My dear O-, I’m sick and exhausted. I went to the Medical Bureau again today, but it’s nothing. It will pass. But let’s not talk about it. Let’s forget it.”

O-90 was lying down. I kissed her gently. I kissed that childish, fluffy fold at her wrist. Her blue eyes were closed. The pink crescent of her lips was slowly blooming, more and more like a flower. I kissed her....

O-90 was lying down. I kissed her gently. I kissed the soft, childlike fold at her wrist. Her blue eyes were closed. The pink crescent of her lips was slowly opening, more and more like a flower. I kissed her....

Suddenly I clearly realized how empty I was, how I had given away.... No, I could not—impossible! I knew I must ... but no—impossible! I ought ... but no—impossible! My lips cooled at once. The rosy crescent trembled, darkened, drew together. O-90 covered herself with the bedspread, her face hidden in the pillow.

Suddenly, I understood how empty I was, how I had given away.... No, I couldn't. Impossible! I knew I had to ... but no, impossible! I should ... but no, impossible! My lips went cold at once. The rosy crescent trembled, darkened, and drew together. O-90 covered herself with the bedspread and hid her face in the pillow.

I was sitting near the bed, on the floor. What a desperately cold floor! I sat there in silence. The terrible cold from the floor rose higher and higher. There in the blue, silent space among the planets, there probably it is as cold.

I was sitting on the floor beside the bed. The floor was desperately cold! I sat there in silence. The terrible cold from the floor crept higher and higher. It was probably just as cold out in the blue, silent space between the planets.

“Please understand, dear; I did not mean...” I muttered, “With all my heart, I ...”

“Please understand, dear. I didn’t mean to...” I muttered. “With all my heart, I...”

It was the truth. I, my real self did not mean.— ... Yet how could I express it in words? How could I explain to her that the piece of iron did not want to.... But that the law is precise, inevitable!

It was true. I, my real self, didn’t mean to. ... But how could I put it into words? How could I explain to her that the piece of iron didn’t want to.... But the law is exact and unavoidable!

O-90 lifted her face from the pillow and without opening her eyes she said, “Go away.” But because she was crying she pronounced it “Oo aaa-ay.” For some reason this absurd detail will not leave my memory.

O-90 lifted her face from the pillow and said, “Go away,” without opening her eyes. But because she was crying, she pronounced it “Oo aaa-ay.” For some reason, I cannot forget this absurd detail.

Penetrated by the cold and torpid, I went out into the hall. I pressed my forehead against the cold glass. Outside a thin, almost imperceptible film of haze was spread. “Towards night,” I thought, “it will descend again and drown the world. How sad a night it will be!”

Feeling cold and numb, I went out into the hall. I pressed my forehead against the cold glass. Outside, a thin, almost invisible layer of haze hung in the air. “As night falls,” I thought, “the haze will descend again and drown the world. How sad the night will be!”

O-90 passed swiftly by, going toward the elevator. The door slammed.

O-90 hurried past, heading toward the elevator. The door slammed.

“Wait a minute!” I screamed. I was frightened.

“Wait a minute!” I screamed. I was scared.

But the elevator was already groaning, going down—down—down....

But the elevator was already groaning as it went down, down, down....

“She robbed me of R-, she robbed me of O-90, yet, yet ... nevertheless....”

“She took R- away from me, she took O-90 away from me, and yet, yet ... still....”