Close to Death

I very nearly ruined my constitution during the recruiting campaign. In those days my food principally consisted of groundnut butter and lemons. I knew that the butter could be easily overeaten to the detriment of one’s health, and yet I allowed myself to overeat it. This gave me a slight attack of dysentery. I did not take serious notice of this, and went that evening to the Ashram, as was my wont every now and then. I scarcely took any medicine in those days. I thought I should get well if I skipped a meal, and indeed I felt fairly free from trouble as I omitted the morning meal next day. I knew however, that to be entirely free, I must prolong my fast, and if I ate anything at all, I should have nothing but fruit juices.

I very nearly ruined my health during the recruiting campaign. In those days, I lived mainly on groundnut butter and lemons. I knew it was easy to eat too much groundnut butter and harm one’s health. Yet I let myself eat too much of it. This gave me a mild attack of dysentery. I did not take the attack seriously, and that evening I went to the Ashram, as I did from time to time. In those days, I rarely took medicine. I thought I would get better if I skipped a meal. In fact, I felt fairly free from trouble after skipping the next morning’s meal. However, I knew that to recover completely, I had to fast longer. And if I had anything at all, it should be only fruit juices.

There was some festival that day, and although I had told Kasturbai that I should have nothing for my midday meal, she tempted me and I succumbed. As I was under a vow of taking no milk or milk products, she had specially prepared for me a sweet wheaten porridge with oil added to it instead of ghi. She had reserved too a bowlful of mung for me. I was fond of these things, and I readily took them, hoping, that without coming to grief, I should eat just enough to please Kasturbai and to satisfy my palate. But the Devil had been only waiting for an opportunity. Instead of eating very little I had my fill of the meal. This was sufficient invitation for the angel of death. Within an hour the dysentery appeared in acute form.

There was a festival that day. I had told Kasturbai that I would eat nothing for my midday meal, but she tempted me, and I gave in. I had taken a vow not to consume milk or milk products. So she had made me a sweet wheat porridge with oil instead of ghi. She had also set aside a bowl of mung for me. I was fond of both and readily ate them. I hoped to eat just enough to please Kasturbai and satisfy my taste without suffering for it. But the Devil had only been waiting for an opportunity. Instead of eating very little, I ate my fill. That was enough to invite the angel of death. Within an hour, I had a severe attack of dysentery.

The same evening I had to go back to Nadiad. I walked with very great difficulty to the Sabarmati station, a distance of only ten furlongs. Sjt. Vallabhbhai, who joined me at Ahmedabad, saw that I was unwell, but I did not allow him to guess how unbearable the pain was.

That same evening, I had to return to Nadiad. I walked to Sabarmati station with great difficulty, though it was only ten furlongs away. Sjt. Vallabhbhai joined me at Ahmedabad and saw that I was unwell. But I did not let him guess how unbearable the pain was.

We reached Nadiad at about ten o’clock. The Hindu Anathashram where we had our headquarters was only half a mile from the station; but it was as good as ten for me. I somehow managed to reach the quarters, but the griping pain was steadily increasing. Instead of using the usual latrine which was a long way off, I asked for a commode to be placed in the adjoining room. I was ashamed to have to ask for this, but there was no escape. Sjt. Phulchand immediately procured a commode. All the friends surrounded me deeply concerned. They were all love and attention, but they could not relieve my pain. And my obstinacy added to their helplessness. I refused all medical aid. I would take no medicine, but preferred to suffer the penalty for my folly. So they looked on in helpless dismay. I must have had thirty to forty motions in twenty four hours. I fasted, not taking even fruit juices in the beginning. The appetite had all gone. I had thought all along that I had an iron frame, but I found that my body had now become a lump of clay. It had lost all power of resistance. Dr. Kanuga came and pleaded with me to take medicine. I declined. He offered to give me an injection. I declined that too. My ignorance about injections was in those days quite ridiculous. I believed that an injection must be some kind of serum. Later I discovered that the injection that the doctor suggested was a vegetable substance, but the discovery was too late to be of use. The motions still continued, leaving me completely exhausted. The exhaustion brought on a delirious fever. The friends got more nervous, and called in more doctors. But what could they do with a patient who would not listen to them?

We reached Nadiad at about ten o’clock. Our headquarters were at the Hindu Anathashram, only half a mile from the station. But to me, the distance might as well have been ten miles. I somehow managed to reach our quarters, but the cramping pain kept getting worse. The usual latrine was a long way off, so I asked for a commode in the adjoining room. I was ashamed to ask, but there was no way around it. Sjt. Phulchand immediately got a commode. All the friends gathered around me, deeply concerned. They were loving and attentive, but they could not relieve my pain. And my stubbornness made them even more helpless. I refused all medical help. I would take no medicine, preferring to suffer the consequences of my foolishness. So they watched in helpless dismay. I must have had thirty to forty bowel movements in twenty-four hours. I fasted, not taking even fruit juice at first. My appetite had completely gone. I had always thought I had an iron frame, but now my body had become a lump of clay. It had lost all power to resist. Dr. Kanuga came and pleaded with me to take medicine. I refused. He offered to give me an injection. I refused that too. In those days, my ignorance about injections was quite ridiculous. I believed that an injection must be some kind of serum. Later, I discovered that the injection the doctor had suggested was a vegetable substance. But I discovered this too late for it to help me. The bowel movements continued, leaving me completely exhausted. The exhaustion brought on a fever that made me delirious. The friends grew more nervous and called in more doctors. But what could the doctors do with a patient who would not listen to them?

Sheth Ambalal with his good wife came down to Nadiad, conferred with my co-workers and removed me with the greatest care to his Mirzapur bungalow in Ahmedabad. It was impossible for any one to receive more loving and selfless service than I had the privilege of having during this illness. But a sort of low fever persisted, wearing away my body from day to day. I felt that the illness was bound to be prolonged and possibly fatal. Surrounded as I was with all the love and attention that could be showered on me under Sheth Ambalal’s roof, I began to get restless and urged him to remove me to the Ashram. He had to yield to my importunity.

Sheth Ambalal and his kind wife came to Nadiad and spoke with my co-workers. They took me with the greatest care to his bungalow in Mirzapur, Ahmedabad. No one could have received more loving and selfless care than I was privileged to receive during this illness. But a low fever persisted, wearing my body down day by day. I felt that the illness was bound to last a long time and might be fatal. Although I was surrounded by all the love and attention anyone could give me in Sheth Ambalal’s home, I grew restless. I urged him to take me to the Ashram. He finally gave in to my repeated requests.

Whilst I was thus tossing on the bed of pain in the Ashram, Sjt. Vallabhbhai brought the news, that Germany had been completely defeated, and that the Commissioner had sent word that recruiting was no longer necessary. The news that I had no longer to worry myself about recruiting came as a very great relief.

While I lay in pain in the Ashram, Sjt. Vallabhbhai brought news that Germany had been completely defeated. The Commissioner had also sent word that recruiting was no longer necessary. It was a great relief to know that I no longer had to worry about recruiting.

I had now been trying hydropathy which gave some relief, but it was a hard job to build up the body. The many medical advisers overwhelmed me with advice, but I could not persuade myself to take anything. Two or three suggested meat broth as a way out of the milk vow, and cited authorities from Ayurveda in support of their advice. One of them strongly recommended eggs. But for all of them I had but one answer—no.

I had been trying water therapy, which gave me some relief, but it was hard to regain my strength. Many medical advisers overwhelmed me with advice, but I could not bring myself to take anything they suggested. Two or three suggested meat broth as a way around my vow not to drink milk. They cited Ayurvedic authorities to support their advice. One of them strongly recommended eggs. But I had only one answer for all of them: no.

For me the question of diet was not one to be determined on the authority of the Shastras. It was one interwoven with my course of life which is guided by principles no longer depending upon outside authority. I had no desire to live at the cost of them. How could I relinquish a principle in respect of myself, when I had enforced it relentlessly in respect of my wife, children and friends?

For me, the question of diet could not be settled by the authority of the Shastras. It was bound up with my way of life, which was guided by principles that no longer depended on outside authority. I had no desire to live at the expense of those principles. How could I abandon a principle for myself when I had enforced it relentlessly with my wife, children, and friends?

This protracted and first long illness in my life thus afforded me a unique opportunity to examine my principles and to test them. One night I gave myself up to despair. I felt that I was at death’s door. I sent word to Anasuyabehn. She ran down to the Ashram. Vallabhbhai came up with Dr. Kanuga who felt my pulse and said, ‘Your pulse is quite good. I see absolutely no danger. This is a nervous breakdown due to extreme weakness.’ But I was far from being reassured. I passed the night without sleep.

This long illness was the first of my life. It gave me a unique opportunity to examine and test my principles. One night, I gave in to despair. I felt that I was close to death. I sent word to Anasuyabehn, and she rushed to the Ashram. Vallabhbhai came with Dr. Kanuga, who checked my pulse. He said, ‘Your pulse is quite good. I see absolutely no danger. This is a nervous breakdown caused by extreme weakness.’ But I was far from reassured. I spent the night without sleep.

The morning broke without death coming. But I could not get rid of the feeling that the end was near, and so I began to devote all my waking hours to listening to the Gita being read to me by the inmates of the Ashram. I was incapable of reading. I was hardly inclined to talk. The slightest talk meant a strain on the brain. All interest in living had ceased, as I have never liked to live for the sake of living. It was such an agony to live on in that helpless state, doing nothing, receiving the service of friends and co-workers, and watching the body slowly wearing away.

Morning came, and I was still alive. But I could not shake the feeling that the end was near. So I spent all my waking hours listening to the residents of the Ashram read the Gita to me. I was unable to read, and I hardly felt like talking. Even the slightest conversation strained my brain. I had lost all interest in living, because I had never wanted to live just for the sake of living. It was agony to go on living in that helpless state, doing nothing and receiving help from friends and co-workers. It was agony, too, to watch my body slowly wear away.

Whilst I lay thus ever expectant of death, Dr. Talvalkar came one day with a strange creature. He hailed from Maharashtra. He was not known to fame, but the moment I saw him I found that he was a crank like myself. He had come to try his treatment on me. He had almost finished his course of studies in the Grant Medical College without taking the degree. Later I came to know that he was a member of the Brahmo Samaj. Sjt. Kelkar, for that is his name, is a man of an independent and obstinate temperament. He swears by the ice treatment which he wanted to try on me. We gave him the name of ‘Ice Doctor.’ He is quite confident, that he has discovered certain things which have escaped qualified doctors. It is a pity both for him and me, that he has not been able to infect me with his faith in his system. I believe in his system up to a certain point, but I am afraid he has been hasty in arriving at certain conclusions.

While I lay there, always expecting to die, Dr. Talvalkar came one day with a strange creature from Maharashtra. He was not famous, but the moment I saw him, I found that he was a crank like myself. He had come to try his treatment on me. He had nearly finished his studies at Grant Medical College without taking the degree. Later I learned that he was a member of the Brahmo Samaj. Sjt. Kelkar, as he was called, was independent and stubborn by nature. He swore by ice treatment and wanted to try it on me. We gave him the name ‘Ice Doctor.’ He was quite confident that he had discovered certain things that qualified doctors had missed. It is a pity for both of us that he has not been able to infect me with his faith in his system. I believe in his system up to a point, but I am afraid he has been hasty in reaching certain conclusions.

But, whatever may be the merits of his discoveries, I allowed him to experiment on my body. I did not mind external treatment. The treatment consisted in the application of ice all over the body. Whilst I am unable to endorse the effect he claims his treatment had on me, it certainly infused in me a new hope and a new energy, and the mind naturally reacted on the body. I began to have an appetite, and to have a gentle walk for five to ten minutes. He now suggested a reform in my diet. Said he: ‘I assure you that you will have more energy and regain your strength quicker if you take raw eggs. Eggs are as harmless as milk. They certainly cannot come under the category of meat. And do you know that all eggs are not fertilised? There are sterilised eggs on the market.’ I was not however prepared to take even the sterilised eggs. But the improvement was enough to give me interest in public activities.

But whatever the merits of his discoveries, I allowed him to experiment on my body. I did not mind external treatment. The treatment consisted of applying ice all over my body. I cannot agree with his claims about its effects on me. But it certainly gave me new hope and energy, and my mind naturally affected my body. I began to have an appetite and to take gentle walks for five to ten minutes. He then suggested a change in my diet. He said: ‘I assure you that you will have more energy and regain your strength faster if you eat raw eggs. Eggs are as harmless as milk. They certainly cannot be considered meat. And do you know that not all eggs are fertilized? Sterilized eggs are available on the market.’ However, I was not prepared to eat even the sterilized eggs. But I had improved enough to take an interest in public activities.