Fasting as Penance

Day by day it became increasingly clear to me, how very difficult it was to bring up and educate boys and girls in the right way. If I was to be their real teacher and guardian, I must touch their hearts, I must share their joys and sorrows, I must help them to solve the problems that faced them and I must take along the right channel the surging aspirations of their youth.

Day by day, I saw more clearly how difficult it was to raise and educate boys and girls properly. To be their true teacher and guardian, I had to reach their hearts and share their joys and sorrows. I had to help them solve the problems they faced. I also had to guide their surging youthful aspirations in the right direction.

On the release of some of the Satyagrahis from jail, Tolstoy Farm was almost denuded of its inmates. The few that remained mostly belonged to Phœnix. So I removed them there. Here I had to pass through a fiery ordeal.

When some of the Satyagrahis were released from jail, Tolstoy Farm was left almost empty. Most of the few who remained belonged to Phœnix, so I moved them there. At Phœnix, I had to go through a fiery ordeal.

In those days I had to move between Johannesburg and Phœnix. Once when I was in Johannesburg I received tidings of the moral fall of two of the inmates of the Ashram. News of an apparent failure or reverse in the Satyagraha struggle would not have shocked me, but this news came upon me like a thunderbolt. The same day I took the train for Phœnix. Mr. Kallenbach insisted on accompanying me. He had noticed the state I was in. He would not brook the thought of my going alone, for he happened to be the bearer of the tidings which had so upset me.

In those days I had to travel between Johannesburg and Phœnix. Once, while I was in Johannesburg, I heard that two residents of the Ashram had suffered a moral fall. News of an apparent failure or setback in the Satyagraha struggle would not have shocked me. But this news struck me like a thunderbolt. That same day I took the train to Phœnix. Mr. Kallenbach insisted on coming with me. He had seen how upset I was. He would not hear of my going alone, since he was the one who had brought me the upsetting news.

During the journey my duty seemed to become clear to me. I felt that the guardian or teacher was responsible, to some extent at least, for the lapse of his ward or pupil. So my responsibility regarding the incident in question became clear to me as daylight. My wife had already warned me in the matter, but being of a trusting nature I had ignored her cautioning. I felt that the only way the guilty parties could be made to realise my distress, and the depth of their own fall, would be for me to do some penance. So I imposed upon myself a fast for seven days and a vow to have only one meal a day for a period of four months and a half. Mr. Kallenbach tried to dissuade me, but in vain. He finally conceded the propriety of the penance, and insisted on joining me. I could not resist his transparent affection.

During the journey, my duty seemed to become clear to me. I felt that a guardian or teacher was responsible, at least in part, when someone in their care did wrong. So my own responsibility for the incident became as clear as daylight. My wife had already warned me about the matter, but I was trusting by nature and had ignored her warning. I felt that the only way to make the guilty parties understand my distress and the depth of their own wrongdoing was to do penance. So I chose to fast for seven days and vowed to eat only one meal a day for four and a half months. Mr. Kallenbach tried to persuade me not to, but failed. He finally agreed that the penance was appropriate and insisted on joining me. I could not resist his evident affection.

I felt greatly relieved, for the decision meant a heavy load off my mind. The anger against the guilty parties subsided, and gave place to the purest pity for them. Thus considerably eased, I reached Phœnix. I made further investigation and acquainted myself with some more details I needed to know.

I felt greatly relieved, for the decision took a heavy load off my mind. My anger toward those who were guilty faded and was replaced by pure pity for them. Feeling much more at ease, I reached Phœnix. I investigated further and learned some more details I needed to know.

My penance pained everybody, but it cleared the atmosphere. Every one came to realise what a terrible thing it was to be sinful, and the bond that bound me to the boys and girls became stronger and truer.

My penance hurt everyone, but it cleared the air. Everyone came to understand how terrible it was to sin. And my bond with the boys and girls grew stronger and truer.

A circumstance arising out of this incident compelled me, a little while after, to go into a fast for fourteen days, the results of which exceeded even my expectations.

A circumstance arising from this incident compelled me to fast for fourteen days a little later. The results exceeded even my expectations.

It is not my purpose to make out from these incidents that it is the duty of a teacher to resort to fasting whenever there is a delinquency on the part of his pupils. I hold, however, that some occasions do call for this drastic remedy. But it presupposes clearness of vision and spiritual fitness. Where there is no true love between the teacher and the pupil, where the pupil’s delinquency has not touched the very being of the teacher and where the pupil has no respect for the teacher, fasting is out of place and may even be harmful. Though there is thus room for doubting the propriety of fasts in such cases, there is no question about the teacher’s responsibility for the errors of his pupil.

I do not mean to suggest that a teacher should fast whenever a pupil does something wrong. However, I believe some occasions do call for this drastic remedy. But fasting requires clear judgment and spiritual readiness. A teacher and pupil must share genuine love. The pupil’s wrongdoing must touch the teacher deeply, and the pupil must respect the teacher. Without these conditions, fasting is inappropriate and may even be harmful. So, although there may be doubts about whether fasting is appropriate in such cases, the teacher’s responsibility for a pupil’s mistakes is beyond question.

The first penance did not prove difficult for any of us. I had to suspend or stop none of my normal activities. And it may be recalled that during the whole of this period of penance I was a strict fruitarian. The latter part of the second fast went fairly hard with me. I had not then completely understood the wonderful efficacy of Ramanama, and my capacity for suffering was to that extent less. Besides, I did not know the technique of fasting, especially the necessity of drinking plenty of water, however nauseating or distasteful it might be. And then the fact that the first fast had been an easy affair had made me rather careless as to the second. Thus during the first I took Kuhne baths every day, but during the second, I gave them up after two or three days, and also drank very little water, as it was distasteful and produced nausea. The throat became parched and weak and during the last days I could speak only in a very low voice. In spite of this, however, my work was carried on through dictation where writing was necessary. I regularly listened to readings from the Ramayan and other sacred books. I had also sufficient strength to discuss and advise in all urgent matters.

The first penance was not difficult for any of us. I did not have to suspend or stop any of my normal activities. You may recall that throughout this period of penance, I ate only fruit. The later part of the second fast was fairly hard on me. I had not yet fully understood the wonderful power of Ramanama, so my capacity for suffering was less. Besides, I did not know how to fast properly. In particular, I did not know that I needed to drink plenty of water, however unpleasant or nauseating it might be. The first fast had also been easy, which made me rather careless about the second. During the first fast, I took Kuhne baths every day. But during the second, I gave them up after two or three days. I also drank very little water because I disliked it and it made me nauseous. My throat became dry and weak, and in the last days I could speak only in a very low voice. Even so, I continued my work, dictating whenever writing was necessary. I regularly listened to readings from the Ramayan and other sacred books. I also had enough strength to discuss and advise on all urgent matters.