Soul-Searching

The Zulu ‘rebellion’ was full of new experiences and gave me much food for thought. The Boer War had not brought home to me the horrors of war with anything like the vividness that the ‘rebellion’ did. This was no war but a man hunt, not only in my opinion, but also in that of many Englishmen with whom I had occasion to talk. To hear every morning reports of the soldiers’ rifles exploding like crackers in innocent hamlets, and to live in the midst of them was a trial. But I swallowed the bitter draught, especially as the work of my Corps consisted only in nursing the wounded Zulus. I could see that but for us the Zulus would have been uncared for. This work, therefore, eased my conscience.

The Zulu ‘rebellion’ brought many new experiences and gave me much to think about. It showed me the horrors of war far more vividly than the Boer War had. In my opinion, this was not a war but a manhunt. Many Englishmen I spoke with felt the same. Every morning, I heard reports of soldiers’ rifles going off like firecrackers in innocent hamlets. Living among such events was a trial. But I endured it, especially because my Corps worked only to nurse the wounded Zulus. I could see that without us, the Zulus would have been left without care. This work therefore eased my conscience.

But there was much else to set one thinking. It was a sparsely populated part of the country. Few and far between in hills and dales were the scattered Kraals of the simple and so-called ‘uncivilised’ Zulus. Marching, with or without the wounded, through these solemn solitudes, I often fell into deep thought.

But there was much else to think about. The area was sparsely populated. The scattered Kraals of the simple and so-called ‘uncivilised’ Zulus were few and far between among the hills and valleys. As I marched through these solemn, lonely places, with or without the wounded, I often fell into deep thought.

I pondered over brahmacharya and its implications, and my convictions took deeper root. I discussed it with my co-workers. I had not realised then how indispensable it was for self-realisation, but I clearly saw that one aspiring to serve humanity with his whole soul could not do without it. It was borne in upon me that I should have more and more occasions for service of the kind I was rendering, and that I should find myself unequal to my task if I were engaged in the pleasures of family life and in the propagation and rearing of children.

I thought about brahmacharya and what it meant, and my convictions grew stronger. I discussed it with my co-workers. I did not yet realize how essential brahmacharya was for self-realization. But I could clearly see that anyone who hoped to serve humanity wholeheartedly could not do without it. I came to believe that I would have more and more opportunities to serve as I had been doing. I also believed I would be unable to meet the demands of that work if I enjoyed family life and had and raised children.

In a word, I could not live both after the flesh and the spirit. On the present occasion, for instance, I should not have been able to throw myself into the fray, had my wife been expecting a baby. Without the observance of brahmacharya service of the family would be inconsistent with service of the community. With brahmacharya they would be perfectly consistent.

In short, I could not live for both the flesh and the spirit. On this occasion, for example, I could not have joined the struggle if my wife had been expecting a baby. Without practicing brahmacharya, serving my family would conflict with serving the community. With brahmacharya, serving my family and serving the community would be perfectly consistent.

So thinking, I became somewhat impatient to take a final vow. The prospect of the vow brought a certain kind of exultation. Imagination also found free play and opened out limitless vistas of service.

Thinking this way, I became somewhat impatient to take a final vow. The prospect of taking the vow brought a kind of joy. My imagination also ran free, opening up limitless possibilities for service.

Whilst I was thus in the midst of strenuous physical and mental work, a report came to the effect that the work of suppressing the ‘rebellion’ was nearly over, and that we should soon be discharged. A day or two after this our discharge came and in a few days we got back to our homes.

While I was in the midst of this demanding physical and mental work, a report arrived. It said that the work of suppressing the ‘rebellion’ was nearly over and that we would soon be discharged. A day or two later, we were discharged, and within a few days we returned home.

After a short while I got a letter from the Governor specially thanking the Ambulance Corps for its services.

Shortly afterward, I received a letter from the Governor, who offered special thanks to the Ambulance Corps for its services.

On my arrival at Phœnix I eagerly broached the subject of brahmacharya with Chhaganlal, Maganlal, West and others. They liked the idea and accepted the necessity of taking the vow, but they also represented the difficulties of the task. Some of them set themselves bravely to observe it, and some, I know, succeeded also.

When I arrived at Phœnix, I eagerly raised the subject of brahmacharya with Chhaganlal, Maganlal, West and others. They liked the idea and agreed that taking the vow was necessary. But they also pointed out how difficult it would be to keep the vow. Some bravely set out to observe the vow, and some, I know, succeeded.

I too took the plunge—the vow to observe brahmacharya for life. I must confess that I had not then fully realised the magnitude and immensity of the task I had undertaken. The difficulties are even today staring me in the face. The importance of the vow is being more and more borne in upon me. Life without brahmacharya appears to me to be insipid and animal-like. The brute by nature knows no self-restraint. Man is man because he is capable of, and only in so far as he exercises, self-restraint. What formerly appeared to me to be extravagant praise of brahmacharya in our religious books seems now, with increasing clearness every day, to be absolutely proper and founded on experience.

I too took the plunge and vowed to observe brahmacharya for life. I must confess that I did not then fully understand the enormous task I had undertaken. Even today, the difficulties still stare me in the face. I am becoming more and more aware of the importance of the vow. Life without brahmacharya seems dull and animal-like to me. An animal by nature knows no self-restraint. A person is human because they are capable of self-restraint, and only to the extent that they exercise it. The praise of brahmacharya in our religious books once seemed excessive to me. Now, with increasing clarity each day, it seems entirely appropriate and based on experience.

I saw that brahmacharya, which is so full of wonderful potency, can by no means be an easy affair, and certainly not a mere matter of the body. It begins with bodily restraint, but it does not end there. The perfection of it precludes even an impure thought. A true brahmachari will not even dream of satisfying fleshly appetite, and until he is in that condition, he has a great deal of ground to cover.

I saw that brahmacharya has wonderful power, but it can never be easy. It certainly involves more than the body. It begins with bodily restraint, but it does not end there. Perfect brahmacharya leaves no room even for an impure thought. A true brahmachari will not even dream of satisfying physical desires. Until he reaches that state, he still has a long way to go.

For me the observance of even bodily brahmacharya has been full of difficulties. Today I may say that I feel myself fairly safe, but I have yet to achieve complete mastery over thought which is so essential. Not that the will or effort is lacking, but it is yet a problem to me wherefrom undesirable thoughts spring their insidious invasions. I have no doubt that man possesses the key to lock out undesirable thoughts, but every one has to find it out for himself. Saints and seers have left their experiences for us, but they have given us no infallible and universal prescriptions. For perfection or freedom from error comes only from grace and so seekers after God have left us mantras, such as Ramanama, hallowed by their own austerities and charged with their purity. Without an unreserved surrender to His grace, complete mastery over thought is impossible. This is the teaching of every great book of religion, and I am realising the truth of it every moment of my striving after that perfect brahmacharya.

For me, even practicing physical brahmacharya has been very difficult. Today, I can say that I feel fairly safe, but I have yet to gain complete control over my thoughts. That control is essential. It is not that I lack the will or effort, but I still do not understand where unwanted thoughts come from or how they slip in. I have no doubt that people possess the key to keeping unwanted thoughts out, but everyone must find it for themselves. Saints and seers have shared their experiences with us, but they have given us no foolproof guidance that works for everyone. Perfection, or freedom from error, comes only through grace. So seekers after God have left us mantras, such as Ramanama. Their self-discipline made these mantras sacred, and their purity gave them power. Without surrendering completely to his grace, it is impossible to gain complete control over thought. Every great religious book teaches this. As I strive for perfect brahmacharya, I am coming to realize its truth at every moment.

But part of the history of that striving and struggle will be told in chapters to follow. I shall conclude this chapter with an indication of how I set about the task. In the first flush of enthusiasm, I found the observance quite easy. The very first change I made in my mode of life was to stop sharing the same bed with my wife or seeking privacy with her.

But I will tell part of the story of that effort and struggle in the following chapters. I will end this chapter by briefly describing how I began the task. In my first burst of enthusiasm, I found it quite easy to keep the vow. The first change I made in my life was to stop sharing a bed with my wife or seeking privacy with her.

Thus brahmacharya, which I had been observing willy-nilly since 1900, was sealed with a vow in the middle of 1906.

So in mid-1906, I took a vow of brahmacharya, which I had been practicing, whether willingly or not, since 1900.