Close European Contacts

This chapter has brought me to a stage, where it becomes necessary for me to explain to the reader how this story is written from week to week.

This chapter has brought me to a point where I need to explain how I write this story week by week.

When I began writing it, I had no definite plan before me. I have no diary or documents on which to base the story of my experiments. I write just as the Spirit moves me at the time of writing. I do not claim to know definitely, that all conscious thought and action on my part is directed by the Spirit. But on an examination of the greatest steps that I have taken in my life, as also of those that may be regarded as the least, I think it will not be improper to say that all of them were directed by the Spirit.

When I began writing, I had no clear plan. I have no diary or documents to base the story of my experiments on. I write as the Spirit moves me at the time. I do not claim to know for certain that the Spirit directs all my conscious thoughts and actions. But when I examine the greatest steps I have taken in my life, and those that may be considered the least, I think it is fair to say that the Spirit directed them all.

I have not seen Him, neither have I known Him. I have made the world’s faith in God my own, and as my faith is ineffaceable, I regard that faith as amounting to experience. However, as it may be said that to describe faith as experience is to tamper with truth, it may perhaps be more correct to say that I have no word for characterising my belief in God.

I have not seen him, nor have I known him. I have made the world’s faith in God my own. Because my faith cannot be erased, I regard it as equivalent to experience. However, one might say that calling faith experience distorts the truth. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have no words to describe my belief in God.

It is perhaps now somewhat easy to understand why I believe that I am writing this story as the Spirit prompts me. When I began the last chapter I gave it the heading I have given to this, but as I was writing it, I realised that before I narrated my experiences with Europeans, I must write something by way of a preface, which I did and altered the heading.

Perhaps it is now a little easier to understand why I believe I am writing this story as the Spirit prompts me. When I began the last chapter, I gave it the same heading as this one. But as I wrote, I realized I needed to write a preface before describing my experiences with Europeans. So I wrote the preface and changed the heading.

Now again, as I start on this chapter, I find myself confronted with a fresh problem. What things to mention and what to omit regarding the English friends of whom I am about to write is a serious problem. If things that are relevant are omitted, truth will be dimmed. And it is difficult to decide straightway what is relevant, when I am not even sure about the relevancy of writing this story.

Once again, as I begin this chapter, I face a new problem. I must decide what to include and what to leave out about the English friends I am about to describe. This is a serious problem. If I leave out anything relevant, the truth will be less clear. And it is hard to decide right away what is relevant when I am not even sure whether writing this story is relevant.

I understand more clear today what I read long ago about the inadequacy of all autobiography as history. I know that I do not set down in this story all that I remember. Who can say how much I must give and how much omit in the interests of truth? And what would be the value in a court of law of the inadequate ex parte evidence being tendered by me of certain events in my life? If some busybody were to cross-examine me on the chapters already written, he could probably shed much more light on them, and if it were a hostile critic’s cross-examination, he might even flatter himself for having shown up ‘the hollowness of many of my pretensions.’

Today I understand more clearly what I read long ago about the limits of all autobiographies as history. I know that I do not include everything I remember in this story. Who can say how much I should include and how much I should leave out in the interests of truth? And what value would my inadequate, ex parte evidence about certain events in my life have in a court of law? It presents only my side. If some busybody cross-examined me about the chapters already written, he could probably shed much more light on them. And if a hostile critic cross-examined me, he might even congratulate himself for exposing ‘the hollowness of many of my claims.’

I, therefore, wonder for a moment whether it might not be proper to stop writing these chapters. But so long as there is no prohibition from the voice within, I must continue the writing. I must follow the sage maxim, that nothing once begun should be abandoned unless it is proved to be morally wrong.

So, for a moment, I wonder whether I should stop writing these chapters. But as long as the voice within does not forbid me, I must continue. I must follow the wise rule that nothing once begun should be abandoned unless it is shown to be morally wrong.

I am not writing the autobiography to please critics. Writing it is itself one of the experiments with truth. One of its objects is certainly to provide some comfort and food for reflection for my co-workers. Indeed I started writing it in compliance with their wishes. It might not have been written, if Jeramdas and Swami Anand had not persisted in their suggestion. If, therefore, I am wrong in writing the autobiography, they must also share the blame.

I am not writing this autobiography to please critics. Writing it is itself one of my experiments with truth. One of its aims is certainly to give my co-workers some comfort and food for thought. In fact, I began writing it because they wanted me to. I might not have written it if Jeramdas and Swami Anand had not kept suggesting it. So, if I am wrong to write the autobiography, they must share the blame.

But to take up the subject indicated in the heading. Just as I had Indians living with me as members of my family, so had I English friends living with me in Durban. Not that all who lived with me liked it. But I persisted in having them. Nor was I wise in every case, I had some bitter experiences, but these included both Indians and Europeans. And I do not regret the experiences. In spite of them, and in spite of the inconvenience and worry that I have often caused to friends, I have not altered my conduct and friends have kindly borne with me. Whenever my contacts with strangers have been painful to friends, I have not hesitated to blame them. I hold that believers who have to see the same God in others that they see in themselves, must be able to live amongst all with sufficient detachment. And the ability to live thus can be cultivated not by fighting shy of unsought opportunities for such contacts, but by hailing them in a spirit of service and withal keeping oneself unaffected by them.

But let me return to the subject of this chapter. Just as I had Indians living with me as members of my family, I also had English friends living with me in Durban. Not everyone who lived with me liked this arrangement. But I persisted in having them live with me. I was not wise in every case. I had some bitter experiences with both Indians and Europeans. But I do not regret those experiences. Despite these experiences, I have not changed my conduct. Nor have I changed it despite the inconvenience and worry I have often caused friends. They have kindly put up with me. Whenever my dealings with strangers have caused friends pain, I have not hesitated to blame those friends. I believe that believers must see the same God in others that they see in themselves. They must be able to live among everyone with enough detachment. We can develop this ability not by avoiding unexpected opportunities to meet people, but by welcoming them in a spirit of service while remaining unaffected by them.

Though, therefore, my house was full when the Boer War broke out, I received two Englishmen who had come from Johannesburg. Both were Theosophists, one of them being Mr. Kitchin of whom we shall have occasion to know more later. These friends often cost my wife bitter tears. Unfortunately she has had many such trials on my account. This was the first time that I had English friends to live with me as intimately as members of my family. I had stayed in English houses during my days in England, but there I conformed to their ways of living and it was more or less like living in a boarding house. Here it was quite the contrary. The English friends became members of the family. They adopted the Indian style in many matters. Though the appointments in the house were in the Western fashion, the internal life was mostly Indian. I do remember having had some difficulty in keeping them as members of the family, but I can certainly say, that they had no difficulty in making themselves perfectly at home under my roof. In Johannesburg these contacts developed further than in Durban.

So, although my house was full when the Boer War broke out, I took in two Englishmen who had come from Johannesburg. Both were Theosophists. One was Mr. Kitchin, whom we will hear more about later. These friends often brought my wife to bitter tears. Unfortunately, she has faced many such trials because of me. This was the first time I had English friends living with me as closely as members of my family. I had stayed in English homes during my time in England, but there I followed their way of life. It was more or less like living in a boarding house. Here, the situation was quite the opposite. My English friends became members of the family. They adopted Indian ways in many matters. Although the house was furnished in the Western style, life inside was mostly Indian. I remember having some difficulty keeping them as members of the family. But I can certainly say that they had no difficulty making themselves perfectly at home under my roof. In Johannesburg, these relationships developed further than they had in Durban.