How I Began Life

My elder brother had built high hopes on me. The desire for wealth and name and fame was great in him. He had a big heart, generous to a fault. This, combined with his simple nature, had attracted to him many friends, and through them he expected to get me briefs. He had also assumed that I should have a swinging practice and had, in that expectation, allowed the household expenses to become top-heavy. He had also left no stone unturned in preparing the field for my practice.

My older brother had high hopes for me. He greatly desired wealth, a good name, and fame. He had a big heart and was generous to a fault. His generosity and trusting nature had attracted many friends, and he expected them to bring me legal cases. He also assumed that I would have a thriving practice. Expecting this, he had let household expenses grow too high. He had also done everything he could to prepare the way for my practice.

The storm in my caste over my foreign voyage was still brewing. It had divided the caste into two camps, one of which immediately readmitted me to the caste, while the other was bent on keeping me out. To please the former my brother took me to Nasik before going to Rajkot, gave me a bath in the sacred river, and on reaching Rajkot, gave a caste-dinner. I did not like all this. But my brother’s love for me was boundless and my devotion to him was in proportion to it, and so I mechanically acted as he wished, taking his will to be law. The trouble about readmission to the caste was thus practically over.

The controversy in my caste over my voyage abroad was still brewing. It had divided the caste into two camps. One immediately readmitted me, while the other was determined to keep me out. To please the first group, my brother took me to Nasik before we went to Rajkot. He had me bathe in the sacred river and, when we reached Rajkot, held a caste dinner. I did not like any of this. But my brother’s love for me was boundless, and my devotion to him was just as great. So I did as he wished without thinking, treating his wishes as law. The trouble over my readmission to the caste was thus practically over.

I never tried to seek admission to the section that had refused it to me. Nor did I feel even mental resentment against any of the headmen of that section. Some of these regarded me with dislike but I scrupulously avoided hurting their feelings. I fully respected the caste regulations about excommunication. According to these, none of my relations, including my father-in-law and mother-in-law, and even my sister and brother-in-law, could entertain me; and I would not so much as drink water at their houses. They were prepared secretly to evade the prohibition, but it went against the grain with me to do a thing in secret that I would not do in public.

I never tried to join the section that had refused to admit me. Nor did I feel any resentment toward its leaders, even in my thoughts. Some of them disliked me, but I took great care not to hurt their feelings. I fully respected the caste rules about excommunication. Under those rules, none of my relatives could have me as a guest. This included my father-in-law and mother-in-law, and even my sister and brother-in-law. I would not so much as drink water in their homes. They were willing to break the rule secretly, but I could not bring myself to do in secret what I would not do in public.

The result of my scrupulous conduct was that I never had occasion to be troubled by the caste; nay, I have experienced nothing but affection and generosity from the general body of the section that still regards me as excommunicated. They have even helped me in my work, without ever expecting me to do anything for the caste. It is my conviction that all these good things are due to my non-resistance. Had I agitated for being admitted to the caste, had I attempted to divide it into more camps, had I provoked the castemen, they would surely have retaliated, and instead of steering clear of the storm, I should, on my arrival from England, have found myself in a whirlpool of agitation, and perhaps party to dissimulation.

Because I acted with such care, I never had trouble with the caste. In fact, most members of the section that still considers me excommunicated have shown me nothing but affection and generosity. They have even helped me in my work, without ever expecting me to do anything for the caste. I believe that all these good things are due to my nonresistance. Had I campaigned to be readmitted to the caste, tried to divide it into more groups, or provoked its members, they would surely have retaliated. Instead of avoiding the storm, I would have found myself caught in a whirlpool of conflict on my return from England. I might even have taken part in deceit.

My relations with my wife were still not as I desired. Even my stay in England had not cured me of my jealousy. I continued my squeamishness and suspiciousness in respect of every little thing, and hence all my cherished desires remained unfulfilled. I had decided that my wife should learn reading and writing and that I should help her in her studies, but my lust came in the way and she had to suffer for my own shortcoming. Once I went the length of sending her away to her father’s house, and consented to receive her back only after I had made her thoroughly miserable. I saw later that all this was pure folly on my part.

My relationship with my wife was still not what I wanted. Even my stay in England had not cured me of my jealousy. I remained touchy and suspicious about every little thing, so none of my cherished wishes came true. I had decided that my wife should learn to read and write, and that I should help her study. But my lust got in the way, and she suffered because of my own failing. Once, I even sent her to her father’s house. I agreed to take her back only after I had made her thoroughly miserable. Later, I saw that all of this had been sheer folly on my part.

I had planned reform in the education of children. My brother had children, and my own child which I had left at home when I went to England was now a boy of nearly four. It was my desire to teach these little ones physical exercise and make them hardy, and also to give them the benefit of my personal guidance. In this I had my brother’s support and I succeeded in my efforts more or less. I very much liked the company of children, and the habit of playing and joking with them has stayed with me till today. I have ever since thought that I should make a good teacher of children.

I had planned to improve the children’s education. My brother had children, and my own child was now a boy of nearly four. I had left him at home when I went to England. I wanted to teach these little ones physical exercise and make them strong. I also wanted to give them the benefit of my personal guidance. My brother supported me, and I was more or less successful in my efforts. I enjoyed the company of children very much. To this day, I still play and joke with them. Ever since then, I have thought I would make a good teacher of children.

The necessity for food ‘reform’ was obvious. Tea and coffee had already found their place in the house. My brother had thought it fit to keep some sort of English atmosphere ready for me on my return, and to that end, crockery and such other things, which used to be kept in the house only for special occasions, were now in general use. My reforms put the finishing touch. I introduced oatmeal porridge, and cocoa was to replace tea and coffee. But in truth it became an addition to tea and coffee. Boots and shoes were already there. I completed the Europeanisation by adding the European dress. Expenses thus went up. New things were added every day. We had succeeded in tying a white elephant at our door. But how was the wherewithal to be found? To start practice in Rajkot would have meant sure ridicule. I had hardly the knowledge of a qualified vakil and yet I expected to be paid ten times his fee! No client would be fool enough to engage me. And even if such a one was to be found, should I add arrogance and fraud to my ignorance, and increase the burden of debt I owed to the world?

The need to ‘reform’ our food was obvious. Tea and coffee had already found a place in the house. My brother had wanted to create an English atmosphere for my return. So crockery and other things once kept only for special occasions were now used every day. My reforms added the finishing touch. I introduced oatmeal porridge, and cocoa was supposed to replace tea and coffee. But in fact, cocoa became an addition to them. Boots and shoes were already there. I completed the Europeanisation by adding European dress. Our expenses went up as a result. New things were added every day. We had succeeded in tying a white elephant at our door. But where would the money come from? If I started a legal practice in Rajkot, I would surely be ridiculed. I had hardly the knowledge of a qualified vakil, yet I expected to be paid ten times his fee! No client would be foolish enough to hire me. And even if I found such a client, should I add arrogance and fraud to my ignorance? Should I increase the debt I owed to the world?

Friends advised me to go to Bombay for some time in order to gain experience of the High Court, to study Indian law and to try and get what briefs I could. I took up the suggestion and went.

Friends advised me to spend some time in Bombay to gain experience in the High Court, study Indian law, and take whatever legal cases I could get. I took their advice and went.

In Bombay I started a household with a cook as incompetent as myself. He was a Brahman. I did not treat him as a servant but as a member of the household. He would pour water over himself but never wash. His dhoti was dirty, as also his sacred thread, and he was completely innocent of the scriptures. But how was I to get a better cook?

In Bombay, I set up a household with a cook who was as incompetent as I was. He was a Brahman. I treated him as a member of the household, not as a servant. He would pour water over himself but never wash. His dhoti and sacred thread were dirty, and he knew nothing at all about the scriptures. But how could I find a better cook?

‘Well, Ravishankar,’ (for that was his name), I would ask him, ‘you may not know cooking, but surely you must know your sandhya (daily worship), etc.’

His name was Ravishankar. I would ask him, ‘Well, Ravishankar, you may not know how to cook, but surely you know your sandhya (daily worship), and so on.’

‘Sandhya, sir! The plough is our sandhya and the spade our daily ritual. That is the type of Brahman I am. I must live on your mercy. Otherwise agriculture is of course there for me.’

‘Sandhya, sir! The plough is our sandhya, and the spade is our daily ritual. That is the kind of Brahman I am. I must depend on your mercy. Otherwise, of course, I can always farm.’

So I had to be Ravishankar’s teacher. Time I had enough. I began to do half the cooking myself and introduced the English experiments in vegetarian cookery. I invested in a stove, and with Ravishankar began to run the kitchen. I had no scruples about interdining, Ravishankar too came to have none, and so we went on merrily together. There was only one obstacle. Ravishankar had sworn to remain dirty and to keep the food unclean!

So I had to be Ravishankar’s teacher. I had plenty of time. I began doing half the cooking myself and tried the vegetarian recipes I had experimented with in England. I bought a stove, and Ravishankar and I began running the kitchen together. I had no objections to eating together, and Ravishankar came to feel the same way. So we got along happily. There was only one obstacle. Ravishankar had sworn to stay dirty and keep the food unclean!

But it was impossible for me to get along in Bombay for more than four or five months, there being no income to square with the ever-increasing expenditure.

But I could not manage in Bombay for more than four or five months. I had no income to cover my ever-increasing expenses.

This was how I began life. I found the barrister’s profession a bad job—much show and little knowledge. I felt a crushing sense of my responsibility.

This was how I began my life. I found that being a barrister was a poor job, with much show and little knowledge. I felt crushed by the weight of my responsibility.