A Tragedy

Amongst my few friends at the High School I had, at different times, two who might be called intimate. One of these friendships did not last long, though I never forsook my friend. He forsook me, because I made friends with the other. This latter friendship I regard as a tragedy in my life. It lasted long. I formed it in the spirit of a reformer.

Among my few friends in high school, there were two, at different times, whom I could call close. One of these friendships did not last long, though I never abandoned my friend. He abandoned me because I became friends with the other. I regard this second friendship as a tragedy in my life. It lasted a long time. I entered into it with the spirit of a reformer.

This companion was originally my elder brother’s friend. They were classmates together. I knew his weaknesses, but I regarded him as a faithful friend. My mother, my eldest brother, and my wife warned me that I was in bad company. I was too proud a husband to heed my wife’s warning. But I dared not go against the opinion of my mother and my eldest brother. Nevertheless I pleaded with them saying, ‘I know he has the weaknesses you attribute to him, but you do not know his virtues. He cannot lead me astray, as my association with him is meant to reform him. For I am sure that if he reforms his ways, he will be a splendid man. I beg you not to be anxious on my account.’

This companion had originally been my elder brother’s friend. They had been classmates. I knew his weaknesses, but I considered him a loyal friend. My mother, my eldest brother, and my wife warned me that I was in bad company. I was too proud as a husband to listen to my wife’s warning. But I did not dare go against my mother’s and eldest brother’s opinion. Even so, I pleaded with them, saying, ‘I know he has the weaknesses you say he has, but you do not know his virtues. He cannot lead me astray, because I am spending time with him to help him change. I am sure that if he changes his ways, he will be a splendid man. Please do not worry about me.’

I do not think this satisfied them, but they accepted my explanation and let me go my way.

I don't think they were satisfied, but they accepted my explanation and let me go.

I have seen since that I had calculated wrongly. A reformer cannot afford to have close intimacy with him whom he seeks to reform. True friendship is an identity of souls rarely to be found in this world. Only between like natures can friendship be altogether worthy and enduring. Friends react on one another. Hence, in friendship, there is very little scope for reform. I am of opinion that all exclusive intimacies are to be avoided; for man far more readily takes in vice than virtue. And he who would be friends with God must remain alone, or make the whole world his friend. I may be wrong, but my effort to cultivate an intimate friendship proved a failure.

I have since seen that I was mistaken. A reformer cannot afford to be close friends with someone he seeks to reform. True friendship is a union of souls that is rare in this world. Only people with similar natures can have a friendship that is entirely worthy and lasting. Friends influence each other. So there is very little room for reform within a friendship. I believe that all exclusive close friendships should be avoided, because people pick up vice far more readily than virtue. Anyone who wants to be friends with God must remain alone or make the whole world his friend. I may be wrong, but my effort to form a close friendship failed.

A wave of ‘reform’ was sweeping over Rajkot at the time when I first came across this friend. He informed me that many of our teachers were secretly taking meat and wine. He also named many well-known people of Rajkot as belonging to the same company. There were also, I was told, some high-school boys among them.

A wave of ‘reform’ was sweeping through Rajkot when I first met this friend. He told me that many of our teachers secretly ate meat and drank wine. He also named many well-known people in Rajkot who did the same. I was told that some high-school boys were among them too.

I was surprised and pained. I asked my friend the reason and he explained it thus: ‘We are a weak people because we do not eat meat. The English are able to rule over us, because they are meat-eaters. You know how hardy I am, and a great runner too. It is because I am a meat-eater. Meat-eaters do not have boils or tumours, and even if they sometimes happen to have any, they heal quickly. Our teachers and other distinguished people who eat meat are no fools. They know its virtues. You should do likewise. There is nothing like trying. Try, and see what strength it gives.’

I was surprised and hurt. I asked my friend why, and he explained: ‘We are a weak people because we do not eat meat. The English can rule over us because they eat meat. You know how strong I am and what a good runner I am. That is because I eat meat. Meat-eaters do not get boils or tumors. Even if they sometimes get them, they heal quickly. Our teachers and other respected people who eat meat are no fools. They know its benefits. You should do the same. There is nothing like trying it. Try it and see how much strength it gives you.’

All these pleas on behalf of meat-eating were not advanced at a single sitting. They represent the substance of a long and elaborate argument which my friend was trying to impress upon me from time to time. My elder brother had already fallen. He therefore supported my friend’s argument. I certainly looked feeble-bodied by the side of my brother and this friend. They were both hardier, physically stronger, and more daring. This friend’s exploits cast a spell over me. He could run long distances and extraordinarily fast. He was an adept in high and long jumping. He could put up with any amount of corporal punishment. He would often display his exploits to me and as one is always dazzled when he sees in others the qualities that he lacks himself, I was also dazzled by this friend’s exploits. This was followed by a strong desire to be like him. I could hardly jump or run. Why should not I also be as strong as he?

My friend did not make all these arguments for eating meat in one sitting. They sum up a long and detailed argument he tried to impress on me from time to time. My elder brother had already given in, so he supported my friend’s argument. I certainly looked weak beside my brother and this friend. Both were hardier, physically stronger, and more daring than I was. I was captivated by my friend’s feats. He could run long distances and run extraordinarily fast. He was skilled at the high jump and the long jump. He could endure any amount of physical punishment. He often showed me what he could do. People are always dazzled when they see qualities in others that they lack themselves. I, too, was dazzled by my friend’s feats. I then developed a strong desire to be like him. I could hardly jump or run. Why shouldn’t I be as strong as he was?

Again I was a coward. I used to be haunted by the fear of thieves, ghosts, and serpents. I did not dare to stir out of doors at night. Darkness was a terror to me. It was almost impossible for me to sleep in the dark, as I would imagine ghosts coming from one direction, thieves from another, and serpents from a third. I could not therefore bear to sleep without a light in the room. How could I disclose my fears to the wife sleeping by my side, now at the threshold of youth? I knew that she had more courage than I, and I felt ashamed of myself. She knew no fear of serpents and ghosts. She could go out anywhere in the dark. My friend knew all these weaknesses of mine. He would tell me that he could hold in his hand live serpents, could defy thieves and did not believe in ghosts. And all this was, of course, the result of eating meat.

Once again, I was a coward. I was haunted by fears of thieves, ghosts, and snakes. I did not dare go outside at night. The dark terrified me. It was almost impossible for me to sleep in the dark. I imagined ghosts coming from one direction, thieves from another, and snakes from a third. So I could not bear to sleep without a light in the room. How could I tell my wife about my fears? She slept beside me and was just entering her youth. I knew she was braver than I was, and I felt ashamed of myself. She had no fear of snakes or ghosts. She could go anywhere in the dark. My friend knew all these weaknesses of mine. He would tell me that he could hold live snakes in his hand and stand up to thieves. He also said he did not believe in ghosts. And all this, of course, was because he ate meat.

A doggerel of Narmad’s was in vogue amongst us schoolboys, as follows:

A verse by Narmad was popular among us schoolboys. It went like this:

All this had its due effect on me. I was beaten. It began to grow on me that meat-eating was good, that it would make me strong and daring, and that if the whole country took to meat-eating the English could be overcome.

All this had its intended effect on me. I was convinced. I began to believe that eating meat was good and would make me strong and bold. I also believed that if the whole country ate meat, we could defeat the English.

A day was thereupon fixed for beginning the experiment. It had to be conducted in secret. The Gandhis were Vaishnavas. My parents were particularly staunch Vaishnavas. They would regularly visit the Haveli. The family had even its own temples. Jainism was strong in Gujarat, and its influence was felt everywhere and on all occasions. The opposition to and abhorrence of meat-eating that existed in Gujarat among the Jains and Vaishnavas was to be seen nowhere else in India or outside in such strength. These were the traditions in which I was born and bred. And I was extremely devoted to my parents. I knew that the moment they came to know of my having eaten meat, they would be shocked to death. Moreover, my love of truth made me extra cautious. I cannot say, that I did not know then that I should have to deceive my parents if I began eating meat. But my mind was bent on the ‘reform.’ It was not a question of pleasing the palate. I did not know that it had a particularly good relish. I wished to be strong and daring and wanted my countrymen also to be such, so that we might defeat the English and make India free. The word ‘Swaraj’ I had not yet heard. But I knew what freedom meant. The frenzy of the ‘reform’ blinded me. And having ensured secrecy, I persuaded myself that mere hiding the deed from parents was no departure from truth.

A day was then set to begin the experiment. It had to be done in secret. The Gandhis were Vaishnavas. My parents were especially devout Vaishnavas. They regularly visited the Haveli. The family even had its own temples. Jainism was strong in Gujarat, and its influence was felt everywhere and on every occasion. Nowhere else in India or abroad was opposition to and disgust at meat-eating as strong as among Gujarat’s Jains and Vaishnavas. These were the traditions in which I was born and raised. And I was deeply devoted to my parents. I knew that if they found out I had eaten meat, they would be shocked to death. My love of truth also made me especially cautious. I cannot say I did not know that eating meat would mean deceiving my parents. But I was determined to make the ‘reform.’ It was not a matter of pleasing my palate. I did not know that meat tasted particularly good. I wanted to be strong and daring, and I wanted my countrymen to be the same. Then we could defeat the English and make India free. I had not yet heard the word ‘Swaraj.’ But I knew what freedom meant. My frenzy for ‘reform’ blinded me. Once I had made sure of secrecy, I convinced myself that merely hiding the act from my parents was not a departure from truth.