Playing the Husband

About the time of my marriage, little pamphlets costing a pice, or a pie (I now forget how much), used to be issued, in which conjugal love, thrift, child marriages, and other such subjects were discussed. Whenever I came across any of these, I used to go through them from cover to cover, and it was a habit with me to forget what I did not like, and to carry out in practice whatever I liked. Lifelong faithfulness to the wife, inculcated in these booklets as the duty of the husband, remained permanently imprinted on my heart. Furthermore, the passion for truth was innate in me, and to be false to her was therefore out of the question. And then there was very little chance of my being faithless at that tender age.

Around the time of my marriage, small pamphlets were published for a pice or a pie. I now forget which. They discussed married love, thrift, child marriage, and similar subjects. Whenever I came across one, I read it from cover to cover. I made a habit of forgetting what I disliked and putting into practice whatever I liked. The pamphlets taught that a husband should remain faithful to his wife for life. This duty stayed with me always. I also had an inborn passion for truth, so being unfaithful to her was out of the question. And at such a young age, there was very little chance of my being unfaithful.

But the lesson of faithfulness had also an untoward effect. ‘If I should be pledged to be faithful to my wife, she also should be pledged to be faithful to me,’ I said to myself. The thought made me a jealous husband. Her duty was easily converted into my right to exact faithfulness from her, and if it had to be exacted, I should be watchfully tenacious of the right. I had absolutely no reason to suspect my wife’s fidelity, but jealousy does not wait for reasons. I must needs be for ever on the look-out regarding her movements, and therefore she could not go anywhere without my permission. This sowed the seeds of a bitter quarrel between us. The restraint was virtually a sort of imprisonment. And Kasturbai was not the girl to brook any such thing. She made it a point to go out whenever and wherever she liked. More restraint on my part resulted in more liberty being taken by her, and in my getting more and more cross. Refusal to speak to one another thus became the order of the day with us, married children. I think it was quite innocent of Kasturbai to have taken those liberties with my restrictions. How could a guileless girl brook any restraint on going to the temple or on going on visits to friends? If I had the right to impose restrictions on her, had not she also a similar right? All this is clear to me today. But at that time I had to make good my authority as a husband!

But the lesson of faithfulness also had an unfortunate effect. ‘If I must pledge to be faithful to my wife, she must also pledge to be faithful to me,’ I told myself. This thought made me a jealous husband. Her duty easily became my right to demand faithfulness from her. And if I had to demand it, I would have to guard that right closely. I had absolutely no reason to suspect my wife’s faithfulness, but jealousy does not wait for reasons. I felt I had to watch her movements constantly, so she could not go anywhere without my permission. This planted the seeds of a bitter quarrel between us. My restrictions were practically a form of imprisonment. And Kasturbai was not the kind of girl to put up with that. She made a point of going out whenever and wherever she pleased. The more I restricted her, the more freedom she took, and the angrier I became. So we married children often refused to speak to each other. I think Kasturbai was quite innocent in defying my restrictions. How could a trusting girl accept restrictions on going to the temple or visiting friends? If I had the right to restrict her, did she not have the same right? All this is clear to me today. But at the time, I had to establish my authority as a husband!

Let not the reader think, however, that ours was a life of unrelieved bitterness. For my severities were all based on love. I wanted to make my wife an ideal wife. My ambition was to make her live a pure life, learn what I learnt, and identify her life and thought with mine.

But readers should not think that our life was nothing but bitterness. All my harshness was based on love. I wanted to make my wife an ideal wife. My ambition was to make her live a pure life, learn what I learned, and make her life and thoughts match mine.

I do not know whether Kasturbai had any such ambition. She was illiterate. By nature she was simple, independent, persevering and with me at least, reticent. She was not impatient of her ignorance and I do not recollect my studies having ever spurred her to go in for a similar adventure. I fancy, therefore, that my ambition was all one-sided. My passion was entirely centred on one woman, and I wanted it to be reciprocated. But even if there were no reciprocity, it could not be all unrelieved misery because there was active love on one side at least.

I do not know whether Kasturbai had any such ambition. She could not read or write. By nature, she was simple, independent and persistent. She was also reserved, at least with me. She was not impatient about her lack of education. I do not remember my studies ever inspiring her to take up a similar pursuit. So I think my ambition was entirely one-sided. All my passion was focused on one woman, and I wanted her to feel the same way. But even if she did not, it could not be all misery, because at least one of us actively loved the other.

I must say I was passionately fond of her. Even at school I used to think of her, and the thought of nightfall and our subsequent meeting was ever haunting me. Separation was unbearable. I used to keep her awake till late in the night with my idle talk. If with this devouring passion, there had not been in me a burning attachment to duty, I should either have fallen a prey to disease and premature death, or have sunk into a burdensome existence. But the appointed tasks had to be gone through every morning and lying to anyone was out of the question. It was this last thing that saved me from many a pitfall.

I must say I was passionately fond of her. Even at school, I thought of her. I was constantly thinking about nightfall and seeing her again. Being apart from her was unbearable. I used to keep her awake late into the night with my idle talk. Along with this consuming passion, I had a burning sense of duty. Without it, I would have fallen victim to disease and died young, or sunk into a burdensome existence. But I had to do my assigned tasks every morning, and lying to anyone was out of the question. My refusal to lie saved me from many pitfalls.

I have already said that Kasturbai was illiterate. I was very anxious to teach her, but lustful love left me no time. For one thing the teaching had to be done against her will, and that too at night. I dared not meet her in the presence of the elders, much less talk to her. Kathiawad had then, and to a certain extent has even today, its own peculiar, useless and barbarous Purdah. Circumstances were thus unfavourable. I must therefore confess that most of my efforts to instruct Kasturbai in our youth were unsuccessful. And when I was awakened, having thrown off the sleep of lust, I had already launched forth into public life which did not leave me much spare time. I failed likewise to instruct her through private tutors. As a result Kasturbai can now with difficulty write simple letters and understand simple Gujarati. I am sure, that had my love for her been absolutely untainted with lust, she would have been a learned lady today; for I could then have conquered her dislike for studies. I know that nothing is impossible for pure love.

I have already said that Kasturbai could not read or write. I was very eager to teach her, but lustful love left me no time. For one thing, I had to teach her against her will, and at night. I did not dare meet her in the presence of our elders, much less talk to her. At that time, Kathiawad had its own peculiar, useless, and barbaric form of Purdah. To some extent, it still does today. So circumstances were unfavorable. I must confess that most of my efforts to teach Kasturbai in our youth failed. By the time I woke from the sleep of lust, I had already entered public life. Public life left me little spare time. I also failed to have her taught by private tutors. As a result, Kasturbai can now write simple letters and understand simple Gujarati, but only with difficulty. I am sure that if my love for her had been completely free of lust, she would be a learned woman today. For then I could have overcome her dislike of studying. I know that nothing is impossible for pure love.

I have mentioned one circumstance that more or less saved me from the disasters of lustful love. There is another worth noting. Numerous examples have convinced me that God ultimately saves him whose motive is pure. Along with the cruel custom of child marriages, Hindu society has another custom which to a certain extent diminishes the evils of the former. Parents do not allow young couples to stay together long. The child-wife spends more than half her time at her father’s place. Such was the case with us. That is to say, during the first five years of our married life (from the age of 13 to 18), we cannot have lived together longer than an aggregate period of three years. We would hardly have spent six months together, when there would be a call to my wife from her parents. Such calls were very unpleasant in those days, but they saved us both. At the age of eighteen I went to England, and this meant a long and healthy spell of separation. Even after my return from England we hardly stayed together longer than six months. For I had to run up and down from Rajkot to Bombay. Then came the call from South Africa and that found me already fairly free from carnal appetite.

I have mentioned one circumstance that helped save me from the disasters of lustful love. Another is worth noting. Many examples have convinced me that God ultimately saves a person whose motive is pure. Alongside the cruel custom of child marriage, Hindu society has another custom that reduces its evils to some extent. Parents do not allow young couples to stay together for long. The child-wife spends more than half her time at her father’s home. That was true of us. During the first five years of our marriage, from the age of 13 to 18, we cannot have lived together for more than three years in total. We would hardly have spent six months together before my wife’s parents called her home. Such calls were very unpleasant at the time, but they saved us both. At eighteen I went to England, and this meant a long and healthy period of separation. Even after I returned from England, we hardly stayed together for more than six months. I had to travel back and forth between Rajkot and Bombay. Then came the call from South Africa, by which time I was already fairly free from sexual desire.