Shyness as My Shield

I was elected to the Executive Committee of the Vegetarian Society, and made it a point to attend every one of its meetings, but I always felt tongue-tied. Dr. Oldfield once said to me, ‘You talk to me quite all right, but why is it that you never open your lips at a Committee meeting? You are a drone.’ I appreciated the banter. The bees are ever busy, the drone is a thorough idler. And it was not a little curious that whilst others expressed their opinions at these meetings, I sat quite silent. Not that I never felt tempted to speak. But I was at a loss to know how to express myself. All the rest of the members appeared to me to be better informed than I. Then it often happened that just when I had mustered up courage to speak, a fresh subject would be started. This went on for a long time.

I was elected to the Executive Committee of the Vegetarian Society and made a point of attending every meeting. But I always felt unable to speak. Dr. Oldfield once said to me, ‘You talk to me quite easily, but why do you never say anything at a Committee meeting? You are a drone.’ I appreciated the joke. Bees are always busy, while a drone does no work at all. It was indeed curious that I sat completely silent while the others expressed their opinions at these meetings. It was not that I never felt tempted to speak. But I did not know how to express myself. All the other members seemed better informed than I was. Often, just as I had found the courage to speak, a new subject would come up. This continued for a long time.

Meantime a serious question came up for discussion. I thought it wrong to be absent, and felt it cowardice to register a silent vote. The discussion arose some¬ what in this wise. The President of the Society was Mr. Hills, proprietor of the Thames Iron Works. He was a puritan. It may be said that the existence of the Society depended practically on his financial assistance. Many members of the Committee were more or less his proteges. Dr. Allinson of vegetarian fame was also a member of the Committee. He was an advocate of the then new birth control movement, and preached its methods among the working classes. Mr. Hills regarded these methods as cutting at the root of morals. He thought that the Vegetarian Society had for its object not only dietetic, but also moral reform, and that a man of Dr. Allinson’s anti-puritanic views should not be allowed to remain in the Society. A motion was therefore brought for his removal. The question deeply interested me. I considered Dr. Allinson’s views regarding artificial methods of birth control as dangerous, and I believed that Mr. Hills was entitled, as a puritan, to oppose him. I had also a high regard for Mr. Hills and his generosity. But I thought it was quite improper to exclude a man from a vegetarian society, simply because he refused to regard puritan morals as one of the objects of the society. Mr. Hills’ view regarding the exclusion of anti-puritans from the Society was personal to himself and it had nothing to do with the declared object of the Society, which was simply the promotion of vegetarianism, and not of any system of morality. I therefore held that any vegetarian could be a member of the Society irrespective of his views on other morals.

Meanwhile, a serious question came up for discussion. I thought it would be wrong to be absent, and cowardly to cast a silent vote. The discussion arose in roughly the following way. The President of the Society was Mr. Hills, the owner of the Thames Iron Works. He was a puritan. The Society depended on his financial support for its very existence, one might say. Many Committee members were more or less his protégés. Dr. Allinson, who was well known for his vegetarianism, was also a Committee member. He supported the then new birth control movement and promoted its methods among the working classes. Mr. Hills believed these methods struck at the root of morality. He thought the Vegetarian Society aimed at moral reform as well as dietary reform. He believed that a man with Dr. Allinson’s anti-puritan views should not be allowed to remain in the Society. A motion was therefore brought to remove him. The question deeply interested me. I considered Dr. Allinson’s views on artificial birth control methods dangerous. I also believed that Mr. Hills, as a puritan, was entitled to oppose him. I had great respect for Mr. Hills and his generosity. But I thought it quite wrong to exclude a man from a vegetarian society simply because he refused to regard puritan morals as one of its goals. Mr. Hills’ view that anti-puritans should be excluded was his own. It had nothing to do with the Society’s stated goal. That goal was simply to promote vegetarianism, not any system of morality. I therefore believed that any vegetarian could be a member of the Society, whatever his views on other moral questions.

There were in the Committee others also who shared my view, but I felt myself personally called upon to express my own. How to do it was the question. I had not the courage to speak and I therefore decided to set down my thoughts in writing. I went to the meeting with the document in my pocket. So far as I recollect, I did not find myself equal even to reading it, and the President had it read by some one else. Dr. Allinson lost the day. Thus in the very first battle of the kind I found myself siding with the losing party. But I had comfort in the thought that the cause was right. I have a faint recollection, that after this incident, I resigned from the Committee.

Others on the Committee shared my view, but I felt personally called to express it myself. The question was how. I did not have the courage to speak, so I decided to write down my thoughts. I went to the meeting with the document in my pocket. As far as I remember, I could not even bring myself to read it aloud. So the President had someone else read it. Dr. Allinson lost. In my very first battle of this kind, I found myself on the losing side. But I took comfort in the thought that the cause was right. I vaguely remember resigning from the Committee after this incident.

This shyness I retained throughout my stay in England. Even when I paid a social call the presence of half a dozen or more people would strike me dumb.

I remained shy throughout my stay in England. Even when I visited people socially, the presence of six or more people would leave me speechless.

I once went to Yentnor with Sjt. Mazmudar. We stayed there with a vegetarian family. Mr. Howard, the author of The Ethics of Diet, was also staying at the same watering-place. We met him and he invited us to speak at a meeting for the promotion of vegetarianism.. I had ascertained that it was not considered incorrect to read one’s speech. I knew that many did so to express themselves coherently and briefly. To speak ex tempore would have been out of the question for me. I had therefore written down my speech. I stood up to read it, but could not. My vision became blurred and I trembled, though the speech hardly covered a sheet of foolscap. Sjt. Mazmudar had to read it for me. His own speech was of course excellent and was received with applause. I was ashamed of myself and sad at heart for my incapacity.

I once went to Yentnor with Sjt. Mazmudar. We stayed with a vegetarian family. Mr. Howard, the author of The Ethics of Diet, was also staying at the resort. We met him, and he invited us to speak at a meeting promoting vegetarianism. I had learned that reading a speech was considered acceptable. I knew that many people did so to express themselves clearly and briefly. Speaking without preparation would have been out of the question for me. So I had written down my speech. I stood up to read it, but I could not. My vision blurred and I trembled, though the speech hardly filled one sheet of paper. Sjt. Mazmudar had to read it for me. His own speech was, of course, excellent and was met with applause. I was ashamed of myself and saddened by my inability to speak.

My last effort to make a public speech in England was on the eve of my departure for home. But this time too I only succeeded in making myself ridiculous. I invited my vegetarian friends to dinner in the Holborn Restaurant referred to in these chapters. ‘A vegetarian dinner could be had,’ I said to myself, ‘in vegetarian restaurants as a matter of course. But why should it not be possible in a non-vegetarian restaurant too?’ And I arranged with the manager of the Holborn Restaurant to provide a strictly vegetarian meal. The vegetarians hailed the new experiment with delight. All dinners are meant for enjoyment, but the West has developed the thing into an art. They are celebrated with great eclat, music and speeches. And the little dinner party that I gave was also not unaccompanied by some such display. Speeches therefore there had to be. When my turn for speaking came, I stood up to make a speech. I had with great care thought out one which would consist of a very few sentences. But I could not proceed beyond the first sentence. I had read of Addison that he began his maiden speech in the House of Commons, repeating ‘I conceive’ three times, and when he could proceed no further, a wag stood up and said, ‘The gentleman conceived thrice but brought forth nothing.’ I had thought of making a humorous speech taking this anecdote as the text. I therefore began with it and stuck there. My memory entirely failed me and in attempting a humorous speech I made myself ridiculous. ‘I thank you, gentlemen, for having kindly responded to my invitation,’ I said abruptly, and sat down.

My last attempt to give a public speech in England was on the eve of my departure for home. But once again, I only succeeded in making myself ridiculous. I invited my vegetarian friends to dinner at the Holborn Restaurant, which I have mentioned in these chapters. ‘Of course, you can get a vegetarian dinner at a vegetarian restaurant,’ I said to myself. ‘But why shouldn’t it be possible at a non-vegetarian restaurant too?’ So I arranged with the manager of the Holborn Restaurant to provide a strictly vegetarian meal. The vegetarians welcomed the new experiment with delight. All dinners are meant to be enjoyed, but the West has turned dining into an art. Dinners are celebrated with great flair, music and speeches. My little dinner party also included some such display. So there had to be speeches. When my turn came, I stood up to speak. I had carefully prepared a speech of only a few sentences. But I could not get past the first sentence. I had read about Addison’s first speech in the House of Commons. He began by saying ‘I conceive’ three times. When he could go no further, a joker stood up and said, ‘The gentleman conceived thrice but brought forth nothing.’ I had planned to use this story as the starting point for a humorous speech. So I began with the story and got stuck there. My memory failed me completely, and in trying to give a humorous speech, I made myself ridiculous. ‘I thank you, gentlemen, for kindly accepting my invitation,’ I said abruptly, and sat down.

It was only in South Africa that I got over this shyness, though I never completely overcame it. It was impossible for me to speak impromptu. I hesitated whenever I had to face strange audiences and avoided making a speech whenever I could. Even today I do not think I could or would even be inclined to keep a meeting of friends engaged in idle talk.

It was only in South Africa that I began to overcome my shyness, though I never completely overcame it. I could not speak without preparation. I hesitated whenever I had to face unfamiliar audiences and avoided giving speeches whenever I could. Even today, I do not think I could or would even want to keep a group of friends entertained with idle talk.

I must say that beyond occasionally exposing me to laughter, my constitutional shyness has been no disadvantage whatever. In fact I can see that on the contrary it has been all to my advantage. My hesitancy in speech which was once an annoyance is now a pleasure. Its greatest benefit has been that it has taught me the economy of words. I have naturally formed the habit of restraining my thoughts. And I can now give myself certificate that a thoughtless word hardly ever escapes my tongue or pen. I do not recollect ever having had to regret anything in my speech or writing. I have thus been spared many a mishap and waste of time. Experience has taught me that silence is part of the spiritual discipline of a votary of truth. Proneness to exaggerate, to suppress or modify the truth, wittingly or unwittingly, is a natural weakness of man, and silence is necessary in order to surmount it. A man of few words will rarely be thoughtless in his speech; he will measure every word. We find so many people impatient to talk. There is no chairman of a meeting who is not pestered with notes for permission to speak. And whenever the permission is given the speaker generally exceeds the time-limit, asks for more time, and keeps on talking without permission. All this talking can hardly be said to be of any benefit to the world. It is so much waste of time. My shyness has been in reality my shield and buckler. It has allowed me to grow. It has helped me in my discernment of truth.

I must say that my natural shyness has never been a disadvantage, except that it occasionally made people laugh at me. In fact, I can see that it has been entirely to my advantage. My hesitation in speaking, once an annoyance, is now a pleasure. Its greatest benefit has been teaching me to use words sparingly. I have naturally developed the habit of holding back my thoughts. I can now say with confidence that a thoughtless word hardly ever escapes my tongue or pen. I do not remember ever having to regret anything I said or wrote. I have thus been spared many mishaps and much wasted time. Experience has taught me that silence is part of the spiritual discipline of a person devoted to truth. People naturally tend to exaggerate, hide, or alter the truth, knowingly or unknowingly. Silence is necessary to overcome this weakness. A person who speaks little will rarely speak thoughtlessly. Such a person will weigh every word. We see so many people eager to talk. Every meeting chair is pestered with notes asking for permission to speak. When permission is given, the speaker generally exceeds the time limit and asks for more time. The speaker then keeps talking without permission. All this talking can hardly be said to benefit the world. It is a waste of time. My shyness has truly been my shield and protection. It has allowed me to grow. It has helped me recognize the truth.