Chapter 1

I have often felt a Motion of Love to leave some Hints in Writing of my Experience of the Goodness of God; and now, in the thirty-sixth Year of my Age, I begin this Work.

I have often felt moved by love to write down some thoughts about my experience of God's goodness. Now, in my thirty-sixth year, I begin this work.

I was born in Northampton, in Burlington County, West-Jersey, in the Year 1720; and before I was seven Years old I began to be acquainted with the Operations of divine Love. Through the Care of my Parents, I was taught to read nearly as soon as I was capable of it; and, as I went from School one seventh Day, I remember, while my Companions went to play by the Way, I went forward out of Sight, and, sitting down, I read the 22d Chapter of the Revelations: "He shewed me a pure River of Water of Life, clear as Chrystal, proceeding out of the Throne of God and of the Lamb, etc." and, in reading it, my Mind was drawn to seek after that pure Habitation, which, I then believed, God had prepared for his Servants. The Place where I sat, and the Sweetness that attended my Mind, remain fresh in my Memory.

I was born in Northampton, in Burlington County, West-Jersey, in 1720. Before I was seven, I began to experience the workings of divine love. Thanks to my parents’ care, I learned to read almost as soon as I was able. I remember one seventh day, as I was coming home from school, my companions stopped to play along the way. I went on ahead until I was out of sight. Then I sat down and read the 22nd chapter of Revelations: "He showed me a pure river of the water of life, clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb, etc." As I read, I felt drawn to seek that pure home, which I then believed God had prepared for his servants. The place where I sat and the sweetness I felt remain fresh in my memory.

This, and the like gracious Visitations, had that Effect upon me, that when Boys used ill Language it troubled me; and, through the continued Mercies of God, I was preserved from it.

This and other such gracious visits affected me deeply. When boys used bad language, it troubled me. Through God's continued mercy, I was kept from using such language myself.

The pious Instructions of my Parents were often fresh in my Mind when I happened to be among wicked Children, and were of Use to me. My Parents, having a large Family of Children, used frequently, on first Days after Meeting, to put us to read in the holy Scriptures, or some religious Books, one after another, the rest sitting by without much Conversation; which, I have since often thought, was a good Practice. From what I had read and heard, I believed there had been, in past Ages, People who walked in Uprightness before God, in a Degree exceeding any that I knew, or heard of, now living: And the Apprehension of there being less Steadiness and Firmness, amongst People in this Age than in past Ages, often troubled me while I was a Child.

My parents’ religious teachings often came to mind when I was among wicked children, and they helped me. My parents had a large family. On Sundays after meeting for worship, they often had us take turns reading the Bible or religious books. The rest of us sat by without much conversation. I have often thought since then that this was a good practice. From what I had read and heard, I believed that people in past ages had lived uprightly before God. I believed they had done so to a greater degree than anyone I knew or heard of in my own time. As a child, I was often troubled by the thought that people in my time were less steady and firm than people in past ages.

A Thing remarkable in my Childhood was, that once, going to a Neighbour's House, I saw, on the Way, a Robin sitting on her Nest, and as I came near she went off, but, having young ones, flew about, and with many Cries expressed her Concern for them; I stood and threw Stones at her, till, one striking her, she fell down dead: At first I was pleased with the Exploit, but after a few Minutes was seized with Horror, as having, in a sportive Way, killed an innocent Creature while she was careful for her Young: I beheld her lying dead, and thought these young ones, for which she was so careful, must now perish for want of their Dam to nourish them; and, after some painful Considerations on the Subject, I climbed up the Tree, took all the young Birds, and killed them; supposing that better than to leave them to pine away and die miserably: And believed, in this Case, that Scripture-proverb was fulfilled, "The tender Mercies of the Wicked are cruel." I then went on my Errand, but, for some Hours, could think of little else but the Cruelties I had committed, and was much troubled. Thus he, whose tender Mercies are over all his Works, hath placed a Principle in the human Mind, which incites to exercise Goodness towards every living Creature; and this being singly attended to, People become tender hearted and sympathising; but being frequently and totally rejected, the Mind becomes shut up in a contrary Disposition.

One memorable thing happened in my childhood. Once, on my way to a neighbor's house, I saw a robin sitting on her nest. As I came near, she left the nest. But she had young, so she flew around, crying out repeatedly in concern for them. I stood and threw stones at her until one struck her, and she fell down dead. At first I was pleased with what I had done. But after a few minutes, I was horrified. I had killed an innocent creature in play while she was caring for her young. I looked at her lying dead and thought that her young must now die without their mother to feed them. After thinking painfully about this, I climbed the tree, took all the young birds, and killed them. I thought that was better than leaving them to waste away and die miserably. I believed that, in this case, the biblical proverb had come true: "The tender mercies of the wicked are cruel." I then continued on my errand. But for some hours, I could think of little else but the cruelties I had committed, and I was deeply troubled. Thus he, whose tender mercies are over all his works, has placed a principle in the human mind that urges us to be good to every living creature. When people give their full attention to this principle, they become tenderhearted and sympathetic. But when they repeatedly and completely reject it, their minds become closed to it and take on the opposite disposition.

About the twelfth Year of my Age, my Father being abroad, my Mother reproved me for some Misconduct, to which I made an undutiful Reply; and, the next first Day, as I was with my Father returning from Meeting, he told me he understood I had behaved amiss to my Mother, and advised me to be more careful in future. I knew myself blameable, and in Shame and Confusion remained silent. Being thus awakened to a Sense of my Wickedness, I felt Remorse in my Mind, and, getting home, I retired and prayed to the Lord to forgive me; and do not remember that I ever, after that, spoke unhandsomely to either of my Parents, however foolish in some other Things.

When I was about twelve, my father was away, and my mother scolded me for misbehaving. I answered her disrespectfully. The next Sunday, as my father and I were returning from meeting, he spoke to me. He said he understood that I had behaved badly toward my mother and advised me to be more careful in the future. I knew I was at fault and remained silent, ashamed and confused. Now aware of my wrongdoing, I felt remorse. When I got home, I went off by myself and prayed to the Lord to forgive me. I do not remember ever speaking disrespectfully to either of my parents after that, though I was foolish in some other ways.

Having attained the Age of sixteen Years, I began to love wanton Company; and though I was preserved from prophane Language, or scandalous Conduct, still I perceived a Plant in me which produced much wild Grapes; yet my merciful Father forsook me not utterly, but, at Times, through his Grace, I was brought seriously to consider my Ways; and the Sight of my Backslidings affected me with Sorrow; but, for want of rightly attending to the Reproofs of Instruction, Vanity was added to Vanity, and Repentance to Repentance: Upon the whole, my Mind was more and more alienated from the Truth, and I hastened toward Destruction. While I meditate on the Gulph towards which I travelled, and reflect on my youthful Disobedience, for these Things I weep, mine Eyes run down with Water.

When I reached the age of sixteen, I began to enjoy the company of reckless people. Though I was kept from profane language and shameful conduct, I still sensed a plant within me that produced many wild grapes. Yet my merciful Father did not entirely abandon me. At times, through his grace, I was brought to think seriously about my ways. Seeing how I had fallen back into sin filled me with sorrow. But because I failed to heed the corrections offered to me, vanity followed vanity, and repentance followed repentance. Overall, my mind grew further and further from the truth, and I hurried toward destruction. When I think about the gulf toward which I was heading and reflect on my youthful disobedience, I weep. My eyes stream with tears.

Advancing in Age, the Number of my Acquaintances increased, and thereby my Way grew more difficult; though I had found Comfort in reading the holy Scriptures, and thinking on heavenly Things, I was now estranged therefrom: I knew I was going from the Flock of Christ, and had no Resolution to return; hence serious Reflections were uneasy to me, and youthful Vanities and Diversions my greatest Pleasure. Running in this Road I found many like myself; and we associated in that which is the reverse of true Friendship.

As I grew older, I met more people, and my path became more difficult. Although I had found comfort in reading the holy Scriptures and thinking about heavenly things, I had now turned away from them. I knew I was leaving the flock of Christ, but I had no resolve to return. So serious thoughts made me uneasy, and youthful vanities and amusements were my greatest pleasure. As I went down this path, I found many others like me. We joined together in the opposite of true friendship.

But in this swift Race it pleased God to visit me with Sickness, so that I doubted of recovering; and then did Darkness, Horror, and Amazement, with full Force, seize me, even when my Pain and Distress of Body was very great. I thought it would have been better for me never to have had a Being, than to see the Day which I now saw. I was filled with Confusion; and in great Affliction, both of Mind and Body, I lay and bewailed myself. I had not Confidence to lift up my Cries to God, whom I had thus offended; but, in a deep Sense of my great Folly, I was humbled before him; and, at length, that Word which is as a Fire and a Hammer, broke and dissolved my rebellious Heart, and then my Cries were put up in Contrition; and in the multitude of his Mercies I found inward Relief, and felt a close Engagement, that, if he was pleased to restore my Health, I might walk humbly before him.

But during this swift race, it pleased God to send me an illness so severe that I doubted I would recover. Then darkness, horror, and shock seized me with full force, even as my bodily pain and distress were very great. I thought it would have been better never to have existed than to see the day I now faced. I was filled with confusion. In great suffering of both mind and body, I lay there lamenting my condition. I did not dare cry out to God, whom I had offended so deeply. But the awareness of my great foolishness humbled me before him. At last, his word, which is like a fire and a hammer, broke and softened my rebellious heart. Then I cried out in repentance. In his great mercy, I found relief within myself. I also felt a strong commitment to walk humbly before him, if he was pleased to restore my health.

After my Recovery, this Exercise remained with me a considerable Time; but, by Degrees, giving Way to youthful Vanities, they gained Strength, and, getting with wanton young People, I lost Ground. The Lord had been very gracious, and spoke Peace to me in the Time of my Distress; and I now most ungratefully turned again to Folly; on which Account, at Times, I felt sharp Reproof. I was not so hardy as to commit Things scandalous; but to exceed in Vanity, and promote Mirth, was my chief Study. Still I retained a Love for pious People, and their Company brought an Awe upon me. My dear Parents, several Times, admonished me in the Fear of the Lord, and their Admonition entered into my Heart, and had a good Effect for a Season; but, not getting deep enough to pray rightly, the Tempter, when he came, found Entrance. I remember once, having spent a Part of the Day in Wantonness, as I went to Bed at Night, there lay in a Window, near my Bed, a Bible, which I opened, and first cast my Eye on this Text, "We lie down in our Shame, and our Confusion covers us:" This I knew to be my Case; and, meeting with so unexpected a Reproof, I was somewhat affected with it, and went to Bed under Remorse of Conscience; which I soon cast off again.

After I recovered, this spiritual struggle stayed with me for quite some time. But I gradually gave way to youthful vanities, and they grew stronger. I fell in with reckless young people and lost ground. The Lord had been very gracious and spoke peace to me in my distress. Yet I now turned back to folly with great ingratitude. Because of this, I sometimes felt sharp rebuke. I was not bold enough to do anything scandalous. But my chief aim was to indulge in vanity and stir up merriment. Still, I loved devout people, and their company filled me with awe. My dear parents warned me several times in the fear of the Lord. Their warnings entered my heart and had a good effect for a while. But I did not reach deeply enough to pray rightly, so the Tempter found a way in when he came. I remember spending part of one day in reckless pleasure. That night, as I went to bed, a Bible lay on a windowsill near my bed. I opened it, and the first words I saw were: "We lie down in our shame, and our confusion covers us." I knew this described my condition. The unexpected rebuke moved me somewhat, and I went to bed feeling remorse. But I soon cast that feeling off again.

Thus Time passed on: My Heart was replenished with Mirth and Wantonness, and pleasing Scenes of Vanity were presented to my Imagination, till I attained the Age of eighteen Years; near which Time I felt the Judgments of God, in my Soul, like a consuming Fire; and, looking over my past Life, the Prospect was moving.—I was often sad, and longed to be delivered from those Vanities; then again, my Heart was strongly inclined to them, and there was in me a sore Conflict: At Times I turned to Folly, and then again, Sorrow and Confusion took hold of me. In a while, I resolved totally to leave off some of my Vanities; but there was a secret Reserve, in my Heart, of the more refined Part of them, and I was not low enough to find true Peace. Thus, for some Months, I had great Troubles; there remaining in me an unsubjected Will, which rendered my Labours fruitless, till at length, through the merciful Continuance of heavenly Visitations, I was made to bow down in Spirit before the Lord. I remember one Evening I had spent some Time in reading a pious Author; and walking out alone, I humbly prayed to the Lord for his Help, that I might be delivered from all those Vanities which so ensnared me. Thus, being brought low, he helped me; and, as I learned to bear the Cross, I felt Refreshment to come from his Presence; but, not keeping in that Strength which gave Victory, I lost Ground again; the Sense of which greatly affected me; and I sought Desarts and lonely Places, and there, with Tears, did confess my Sins to God, and humbly craved Help of him. And I may say with Reverence, he was near to me in my Troubles, and in those Times of Humiliation opened my Ear to Discipline. I was now led to look seriously at the Means by which I was drawn from the pure Truth, and learned this, that, if I would live in the Life which the faithful Servants of God lived in, I must not go into Company as heretofore in my own Will; but all the Cravings of Sense must be governed by a divine Principle. In Times of Sorrow and Abasement these Instructions were sealed upon me, and I felt the Power of Christ prevail over selfish Desires, so that I was preserved in a good degree of Steadiness; and, being young, and believing at that Time that a single Life was best for me, I was strengthened to keep from such Company as had often been a Snare to me.

Time passed. My heart was full of amusement and playful pleasures, and I imagined pleasant scenes of worldly pleasure. This continued until I was about eighteen. Around that time, I felt God’s judgments in my soul like a consuming fire. When I looked back over my life, the sight deeply moved me. I was often sad and longed to be free of those vanities. Yet my heart was still strongly drawn to them, and I struggled painfully. At times I returned to foolish pleasures. Then sorrow and confusion took hold of me again. After a while, I resolved to give up some of my vanities completely. But in my heart I secretly held on to the more refined pleasures, and I had not humbled myself enough to find true peace. For some months I was deeply troubled. My will still refused to submit, and this made my efforts fruitless. At last, through the merciful continuance of heavenly visitations, I was brought to bow in spirit before the Lord. I remember spending some time one evening reading a religious author. Then I went walking alone and humbly prayed for the Lord’s help, so that I might be freed from all the vanities that had ensnared me. When I had humbled myself, he helped me. As I learned to bear the cross, I felt refreshed by his presence. But I did not hold on to the strength that had given me victory, and I lost ground again. This affected me deeply. I sought out deserted and lonely places, where I confessed my sins to God with tears and humbly begged for his help. I may say with reverence that he was near me in my troubles. In those times of humility, he opened my ears to discipline. I was now led to look seriously at what had drawn me away from the pure truth. I learned that, if I wished to live as God’s faithful servants lived, I must not seek company according to my own wishes, as I had before. Instead, all the cravings of my senses must be governed by a divine principle. In times of sorrow and humility, these lessons were impressed upon me. I felt the power of Christ prevail over my selfish desires, so that I was kept fairly steady. I was young and believed at that time that a single life was best for me. I was strengthened to keep away from the company that had often been a snare to me.

I kept steadily to Meetings; spent First-day Afternoons chiefly in reading the Scriptures and other good Books; and was early convinced in Mind, that true Religion consisted in an inward Life, wherein the Heart doth love and reverence God the Creator, and learns to exercise true Justice and Goodness, not only toward all Men, but also toward the brute Creatures.—That as the Mind was moved, by an inward Principle, to love God as an invisible incomprehensible Being, by the same Principle it was moved to love him in all his Manifestations in the visible World.—That, as by his Breath the Flame of Life was kindled in all animal sensible Creatures, to say we love God, and, at the same Time exercise Cruelty toward the least Creature, is a Contradiction in itself.

I attended Meetings regularly. On Sunday afternoons, I spent most of my time reading the Scriptures and other good books. Early on, I became convinced that true religion consisted in an inner life. In that life, the heart loves and reveres God the Creator. It also learns to show true justice and goodness, not only toward all people, but also toward animals. An inner principle moves the mind to love God as an invisible being beyond our understanding. That same principle also moves the mind to love him in all the ways he appears in the visible world. His breath kindled the flame of life in all creatures that live and feel. So, to say we love God while treating even the smallest creature cruelly is a contradiction.

I found no Narrowness respecting Sects and Opinions; but believed, that sincere upright-hearted People, in every Society, who truly love God, were accepted of him.

I was not narrow-minded about religious groups or beliefs. But I believed that sincere, honest people in every group who truly love God were accepted by him.

As I lived under the Cross, and simply followed the Openings of Truth, my Mind, from Day to Day, was more enlightened; my former Acquaintance were left to judge of me as they would, for I found it safest for me to live in private, and keep these Things sealed up in my own Breast. While I silently ponder on that Change wrought in me, I find no Language equal to it, nor any Means to convey to another a clear Idea of it. I looked on the Works of God in this visible Creation, and an Awfulness covered me; my Heart was tender and often contrite, and universal Love to my Fellow-creatures increased in me: This will be understood by such as have trodden the same Path. Some Glances of real Beauty may be seen in their Faces, who dwell in true Meekness. There is a Harmony in the Sound of that Voice to which divine Love gives Utterance, and some Appearance of right Order in their Temper and Conduct, whose Passions are regulated; yet all these do not fully shew forth that inward Life to such as have not felt it: But this white Stone and new Name is known rightly to such only as have it.

As I lived under the Cross and simply followed the openings of Truth, my mind grew more enlightened each day. I left my former acquaintances to judge me as they would. I found it safest to live privately and keep these things sealed in my own heart. As I silently ponder the change brought about in me, I find no words equal to it. Nor can I give another person a clear idea of it. I looked at God’s works in the visible creation, and a sense of awe came over me. My heart was tender and often repentant, and my love for all my fellow creatures grew. Those who have walked the same path will understand this. Some glimpses of real beauty can be seen in the faces of those who live in true humility. There is harmony in the sound of a voice guided by divine love. There are also signs of right order in the character and conduct of those whose passions are under control. Yet none of these fully reveals that inner life to those who have not felt it. Only those who possess this white stone and new name truly know it.

Though I had been thus strengthened to bear the Cross, I still found myself in great Danger, having many Weaknesses attending me, and strong Temptations to wrestle with; in the feeling whereof I frequently withdrew into private Places, and often with Tears besought the Lord to help me, whose gracious Ear was open to my Cry.

Though I had been strengthened to bear the Cross, I still found myself in great danger. I had many weaknesses and struggled with strong temptations. Feeling these dangers, I often withdrew to private places. There, often in tears, I begged the Lord to help me, and he graciously heard my cry.

All this Time I lived with my Parents, and wrought on the Plantation; and, having had Schooling pretty well for a Planter, I used to improve it in Winter Evenings, and other leisure Times; and, being now in the twenty-first Year of my Age, a Man, in much Business at shop-keeping and baking, asked me, if I would hire with him to tend Shop and keep Books. I acquainted my Father with the Proposal; and, after some Deliberation, it was agreed for me to go.

All this time, I lived with my parents and worked on the plantation. I had received a fairly good education for a planter, and I continued studying on winter evenings and at other times when I was free. In my twenty-first year, a man with a busy shop and bakery asked me to work for him, tending the shop and keeping the books. I told my father about the offer, and after some thought, we agreed that I would go.

At Home I had lived retired; and now, having a Prospect of being much in the Way of Company, I felt frequent and fervent Cries in my Heart to God, the Father of Mercies, that he would preserve me from all Corruption; that in this more publick Employment, I might serve him, my gracious Redeemer, in that Humility and Self-denial, with which I had been, in a small Degree, exercised in a more private Life. The Man, who employed me, furnished a Shop in Mount-Holly, about five Miles from my Father's House, and six from his own; and there I lived alone, and tended his Shop. Shortly after my Settlement here I was visited by several young People, my former Acquaintance, who knew not but Vanities would be as agreeable to me now as ever; and, at these Times, I cried to the Lord in secret, for Wisdom and Strength; for I felt myself encompassed with Difficulties, and had fresh Occasion to bewail the Follies of Time past, in contracting a Familiarity with libertine People; and, as I had now left my Father's House outwardly, I found my heavenly Father to be merciful to me beyond what I can express.

At home, I had lived a quiet, secluded life. Now I expected to be around people much more. I often prayed fervently in my heart to God, the Father of Mercies, to protect me from all corruption. I prayed that in this more public work I might serve him, my gracious Redeemer, with humility and self-denial. I had practiced these qualities to a small degree in my more private life. The man who employed me set up a shop in Mount-Holly. It was about five miles from my father's house and six from his own. I lived there alone and tended his shop. Shortly after I settled there, several young people I had known before visited me. They had no reason to think that frivolous pleasures would appeal to me any less than before. During their visits, I prayed secretly to the Lord for wisdom and strength. I felt surrounded by difficulties and had fresh reason to grieve over my past folly in becoming close to people of loose morals. Now that I had physically left my father's house, I found my heavenly Father merciful to me beyond words.

By Day I was much amongst People, and had many Trials to go through; but, in the Evenings, I was mostly alone, and may with Thankfulness acknowledge, that, in those Times, the Spirit of Supplication was often poured upon me; under which I was frequently exercised, and felt my Strength renewed.

During the day, I spent much time among people and went through many trials. But in the evenings, I was mostly alone. I can thankfully say that the spirit of prayer was often poured upon me during those times. I was often moved to pray and felt my strength renewed.

In a few Months after I came here, my Master bought several Scotchmen, Servants, from on-board a Vessel, and brought them to Mount-Holly to sell; one of which was taken sick, and died.

A few months after I came here, my master bought several Scotchmen as servants from a ship. He brought them to Mount-Holly to sell. One of them became sick and died.

In the latter Part of his Sickness, he, being delirious, used to curse and swear most sorrowfully; and, the next Night after his Burial, I was left to sleep alone in the same Chamber where he died; I perceived in me a Timorousness; I knew, however, I had not injured the Man, but assisted in taking Care of him according to my Capacity; and was not free to ask any one, on that Occasion, to sleep with me: Nature was feeble; but every Trial was a fresh Incitement to give myself up wholly to the Service of God, for I found no Helper like him in Times of Trouble.

In the later part of his illness, he became delirious and cursed and swore most distressingly. The night after his burial, I was left to sleep alone in the same room where he had died. I felt afraid. Yet I knew I had not harmed him. I had helped care for him as best I could. I did not feel free to ask anyone to sleep with me on that occasion. My nature was weak, but every trial gave me fresh reason to give myself wholly to God's service. I found no helper like him in times of trouble.

After a While, my former Acquaintance gave over expecting me as one of their Company; and I began to be known to some whose Conversation was helpful to me: And now, as I had experienced the Love of God, through Jesus Christ, to redeem me from many Pollutions, and to be a Succour to me through a Sea of Conflicts, with which no Person was fully acquainted; and as my Heart was often enlarged in this heavenly Principle, I felt a tender Compassion for the Youth, who remained entangled in Snares, like those which had entangled me from one Time to another: This Love and Tenderness increased; and my Mind was more strongly engaged for the Good of my Fellow-creatures. I went to Meetings in an awful Frame of Mind, and endeavoured to be inwardly acquainted with the Language of the true Shepherd; and, one Day, being under a strong Exercise of Spirit, I stood up, and said some Words in a Meeting; but, not keeping close to the divine Opening, I said more than was required of me; and being soon sensible of my Error, I was afflicted in Mind some Weeks, without any Light or Comfort, even to that Degree that I could not take Satisfaction in any Thing: I remembered God, and was troubled, and, in the Depth of my Distress, he had Pity upon me, and sent the Comforter: I then felt Forgiveness for my Offence, and my Mind became calm and quiet, being truly thankful to my gracious Redeemer for his Mercies; and, after this, feeling the Spring of divine Love opened, and a Concern to speak, I said a few Words in a Meeting, in which I found Peace; this, I believe, was about six Weeks from the first Time: And, as I was thus humbled and disciplined under the Cross, my Understanding became more strengthened to distinguish the pure Spirit which inwardly moves upon the Heart, and taught me to wait in Silence sometimes many Weeks together, until I felt that rise which prepares the Creature.

After a while, my former companions stopped expecting me to join them. I also began to know some people whose conversation helped me. I had experienced the love of God through Jesus Christ. His love had freed me from many pollutions and supported me through a sea of conflicts that no one fully knew. My heart was often filled with this heavenly love. I felt tender compassion for young people who remained caught in traps like those that had caught me at different times. This love and tenderness grew, and I became more deeply concerned for the good of my fellow creatures. I went to meetings in a reverent state of mind. I tried to become inwardly familiar with the voice of the true Shepherd. One day, when my spirit was deeply troubled, I stood up and spoke a few words in a meeting. But I did not stay close to what God had revealed, and I said more than was required of me. I soon realized my error. For some weeks, I was troubled in mind, without any light or comfort. I was so distressed that I could find satisfaction in nothing. I remembered God and was troubled. In the depths of my distress, he took pity on me and sent the Comforter. I then felt forgiven for my offense, and my mind became calm and quiet. I was truly thankful to my gracious Redeemer for his mercies. After this, I felt the spring of divine love open within me and a concern to speak. I said a few words in a meeting and found peace in doing so. I believe this was about six weeks after I first spoke. As I was thus humbled and disciplined under the Cross, I became better able to recognize the pure Spirit moving inwardly upon the heart. The Spirit taught me to wait in silence, sometimes for many weeks, until I felt that rising within me which prepares the creature.

From an inward purifying, and stedfast abiding under it, springs a lively operative Desire for the Good of others: All the Faithful are not called to the public Ministry; but whoever are, are called to minister of that which they have tasted and handled spiritually. The outward Modes of Worship are various; but, wherever any are true Ministers of Jesus Christ, it is from the Operation of his Spirit upon their Hearts, first purifying them, and thus giving them a just Sense of the Conditions of others.

Inner purification, and remaining steadfast in it, gives rise to a lively, active desire for the good of others. Not all faithful people are called to public ministry. But those who are called must minister from what they have spiritually tasted and handled. Outward forms of worship vary. But wherever there are true ministers of Jesus Christ, they are made so by his Spirit working in their hearts. His Spirit first purifies them, giving them a true understanding of the conditions of others.

This Truth was clearly fixed in my Mind; and I was taught to watch the pure Opening, and to take Heed, lest, while I was standing to speak, my own Will should get uppermost, and cause me to utter Words from worldly Wisdom, and depart from the Channel of the true Gospel-Ministry.

This truth was firmly fixed in my mind. I was taught to watch for the pure opening and to be careful when I stood to speak. I had to guard against letting my own will take over. Otherwise, I might speak from worldly wisdom and stray from the path of true gospel ministry.

In the Management of my outward Affairs, I may say, with Thankfulness, I found Truth to be my Support; and I was respected in my Master's Family, who came to live in Mount-Holly within two Years after my going there.

In managing my affairs, I can say with gratitude that I found truth to be my support. I was respected in my master's family, who came to live in Mount-Holly within two years after I went there.

About the twenty-third Year of my Age, I had many fresh and heavenly Openings, in respect to the Care and Providence of the Almighty over his Creatures in general, and over Man as the most noble amongst those which are visible. And being clearly convinced in my Judgment, that to place my whole Trust in God was best for me, I felt renewed Engagements, that in all Things I might act on an inward Principle of Virtue, and pursue worldly Business no farther, than as Truth opened my Way therein.

Around the age of twenty-three, I received many fresh and heavenly insights into the Almighty’s care and providence over all his creatures. These insights concerned his care for humans in particular, as the noblest of his visible creatures. I became fully convinced that it was best for me to place my whole trust in God. I felt a renewed commitment to act from an inward principle of virtue in all things. I also resolved to pursue worldly business only as far as Truth opened the way for me.

About the Time called Christmas, I observed many People from the Country, and Dwellers in Town, who, resorting to Public-Houses, spent their Time in drinking and vain Sports, tending to corrupt one another; on which Account I was much troubled. At one House, in particular, there was much Disorder; and I believed it was a Duty incumbent on me to go and speak to the Master of that House. I considered I was young, and that several elderly Friends in town had Opportunity to see these Things; but though I would gladly have been excused, yet I could not feel my Mind clear.

Around Christmas, I noticed many people from the country and the town gathering at public houses. They spent their time drinking and playing frivolous games, corrupting one another. This troubled me greatly. There was much disorder at one house in particular. I believed it was my duty to go and speak to the owner. I thought about how young I was and how several older Friends in town had opportunities to see these things. I would gladly have been excused from going, but my mind was not at ease.

The Exercise was heavy; and as I was reading what the Almighty said to Ezekiel, respecting his Duty as a Watchman, the Matter was set home more clearly; and then, with Prayers and Tears, I besought the Lord for his Assistance, who, in Loving-kindness, gave me a resigned Heart: Then, at a suitable Opportunity, I went to the Public-house, and, seeing the Man amongst much Company, I went to him, and told him, I wanted to speak with him; so we went aside, and there, in the Fear of the Almighty, I expressed to him what rested on my Mind; which he took kindly, and afterward shewed more Regard to me than before. In a few Years afterwards he died, middle-aged; and I often thought that, had I neglected my Duty in that Case, it would have given me great Trouble; and I was humbly thankful to my gracious Father, who had supported me herein.

I felt a heavy burden. As I read what the Almighty said to Ezekiel about his duty as a watchman, the matter became clearer to me. With prayers and tears, I begged the Lord to help me. In his loving-kindness, he gave me a willing heart. Then, when the opportunity arose, I went to the public house. I saw the man among a large group of people and told him I wanted to speak with him. We went aside, and there, in fear of the Almighty, I told him what was on my mind. He took it kindly and afterward showed me more regard than before. He died a few years later, in middle age. I often thought that if I had neglected my duty in that case, it would have troubled me greatly. I was humbly thankful to my gracious Father, who had supported me in this.

My Employer having a Negro Woman, sold her, and desired me to write a Bill of Sale, the Man being waiting who bought her: The Thing was sudden; and, though the Thoughts of writing an Instrument of Slavery for one of my Fellow-creatures felt uneasy, yet I remembered I was hired by the Year, that it was my Master who directed me to do it, and that it was an elderly Man, a Member of our Society, who bought her; so, through Weakness, I gave way, and wrote; but, at the executing it, I was so afflicted in my Mind, that I said, before my Master and the Friend, that I believed Slave-keeping to be a Practice inconsistent with the Christian Religion: This in some Degree abated my Uneasiness; yet, as often as I reflected seriously upon it, I thought I should have been clearer, if I had desired to have been excused from it, as a Thing against my Conscience; for such it was. And, some Time after this, a young Man, of our Society, spoke to me to write a Conveyance of a Slave to him, he having lately taken a Negro into his House: I told him I was not easy to write it; for, though many of our Meeting and in other Places kept Slaves, I still believed the Practice was not right, and desired to be excused from the writing. I spoke to him in Good-will; and he told me that keeping Slaves was not altogether agreeable to his Mind; but that the Slave being a Gift to his Wife, he had accepted of her.

My employer sold a Negro woman and asked me to write a bill of sale. The man who bought her was waiting. The request came suddenly, and I felt uneasy about writing a document that would make a fellow creature a slave. Yet I remembered that I was hired by the year and that my master had directed me to do it. I also remembered that the buyer was an elderly man and a member of our Society. So, through weakness, I gave way and wrote it. But when the bill was being signed, I was deeply troubled. I said before my master and the Friend that I believed slave-keeping was inconsistent with the Christian religion. Speaking up eased my uneasiness somewhat. Yet whenever I thought seriously about it, I believed I would have had a clearer conscience if I had asked to be excused from writing the bill. I should have said it was against my conscience, for it was. Some time later, a young man of our Society asked me to write a document transferring a slave to him. He had recently taken a Negro into his house. I told him I was not comfortable writing it. Though many in our Meeting and elsewhere kept slaves, I still believed the practice was wrong. So I asked to be excused from writing it. I spoke to him with goodwill, and he told me that keeping slaves did not entirely sit well with him. But the slave had been given to his wife, and he had accepted her.