The Furniture That Went Mad

Now it happened that in the early hours of Whit Monday, before Millie was hunted out for the day, Mr. Hall and Mrs. Hall both rose and went noiselessly down into the cellar. Their business there was of a private nature, and had something to do with the specific gravity of their beer. They had hardly entered the cellar when Mrs. Hall found she had forgotten to bring down a bottle of sarsaparilla from their joint-room. As she was the expert and principal operator in this affair, Hall very properly went upstairs for it.

Early on Whit Monday, before Millie was sent out for the day, Mr. Hall and Mrs. Hall got up. They went quietly down to the cellar. Their business was private and had something to do with the specific gravity of their beer. They had barely entered the cellar when Mrs. Hall realized she had forgotten a bottle of sarsaparilla in their sitting room. She was the expert and the main person in charge of the affair, so Hall quite properly went upstairs to fetch it.

On the landing he was surprised to see that the stranger’s door was ajar. He went on into his own room and found the bottle as he had been directed.

On the landing, he was surprised to see that the stranger’s door was partly open. He went into his own room and found the bottle where he had been told to look.

But returning with the bottle, he noticed that the bolts of the front door had been shot back, that the door was in fact simply on the latch. And with a flash of inspiration he connected this with the stranger’s room upstairs and the suggestions of Mr. Teddy Henfrey. He distinctly remembered holding the candle while Mrs. Hall shot these bolts overnight. At the sight he stopped, gaping, then with the bottle still in his hand went upstairs again. He rapped at the stranger’s door. There was no answer. He rapped again; then pushed the door wide open and entered.

But as he returned with the bottle, he noticed that the front door bolts had been drawn back. The door was held shut only by the latch. A sudden thought connected the unbolted door with the stranger’s room upstairs and Mr. Teddy Henfrey’s suggestions. He clearly remembered holding the candle while Mrs. Hall fastened the bolts the night before. He stopped and stared, his mouth open. Then, still holding the bottle, he went upstairs again. He knocked on the stranger’s door. There was no answer. He knocked again, then pushed the door wide open and went in.

It was as he expected. The bed, the room also, was empty. And what was stranger, even to his heavy intelligence, on the bedroom chair and along the rail of the bed were scattered the garments, the only garments so far as he knew, and the bandages of their guest. His big slouch hat even was cocked jauntily over the bed-post.

It was as he expected. The bed was empty, and so was the room. Even his slow mind noticed something stranger. Their guest's clothes and bandages were scattered over the bedroom chair and the bed rail. As far as he knew, those were the only clothes the guest had. Even his big slouch hat sat jauntily on the bedpost.

As Hall stood there he heard his wife’s voice coming out of the depth of the cellar, with that rapid telescoping of the syllables and interrogative cocking up of the final words to a high note, by which the West Sussex villager is wont to indicate a brisk impatience. “George! You gart whad a wand?”

As Hall stood there, he heard his wife’s voice coming from deep in the cellar. She ran her syllables together and raised her voice at the end of her question. West Sussex villagers often spoke this way to show brisk impatience. “George! You got what I want?”

At that he turned and hurried down to her. “Janny,” he said, over the rail of the cellar steps, “’tas the truth what Henfrey sez. ’E’s not in uz room, ’e en’t. And the front door’s onbolted.”

At that, he turned and hurried down to her. “Janny,” he said over the railing of the cellar steps, “It is the truth what Henfrey says. He’s not in his room, he ain’t. And the front door’s unbolted.”

At first Mrs. Hall did not understand, and as soon as she did she resolved to see the empty room for herself. Hall, still holding the bottle, went first. “If ’e en’t there,” he said, “’is close are. And what’s ’e doin’ ’ithout ’is close, then? ’Tas a most curious business.”

At first Mrs. Hall did not understand. As soon as she did, she decided to see the empty room for herself. Hall went first, still holding the bottle. “If he ain’t there,” he said, “his clothes are. And what’s he doing without his clothes, then? It’s a most curious business.”

As they came up the cellar steps they both, it was afterwards ascertained, fancied they heard the front door open and shut, but seeing it closed and nothing there, neither said a word to the other about it at the time. Mrs. Hall passed her husband in the passage and ran on first upstairs. Someone sneezed on the staircase. Hall, following six steps behind, thought that he heard her sneeze. She, going on first, was under the impression that Hall was sneezing. She flung open the door and stood regarding the room. “Of all the curious!” she said.

As they came up the cellar steps, they both thought they heard the front door open and shut, as was discovered later. But they saw the door was closed and no one was there, so neither mentioned it to the other at the time. Mrs. Hall passed her husband in the hallway and ran upstairs ahead of him. Someone sneezed on the stairs. Hall, following six steps behind, thought he heard her sneeze. Mrs. Hall, ahead of him, thought Hall was sneezing. She flung open the door and stood looking at the room. “Of all the curious things!” she said.

She heard a sniff close behind her head as it seemed, and turning, was surprised to see Hall a dozen feet off on the topmost stair. But in another moment he was beside her. She bent forward and put her hand on the pillow and then under the clothes.

She heard a sniff that seemed to come from right behind her head. She turned and was surprised to see Hall twelve feet away on the top stair. But a moment later he was beside her. She leaned forward and put her hand on the pillow, then under the bedclothes.

“Cold,” she said. “He’s been up this hour or more.”

“Cold,” she said. “He’s been up for an hour or more.”

As she did so, a most extraordinary thing happened. The bed-clothes gathered themselves together, leapt up suddenly into a sort of peak, and then jumped headlong over the bottom rail. It was exactly as if a hand had clutched them in the centre and flung them aside. Immediately after, the stranger’s hat hopped off the bed-post, described a whirling flight in the air through the better part of a circle, and then dashed straight at Mrs. Hall’s face. Then as swiftly came the sponge from the washstand; and then the chair, flinging the stranger’s coat and trousers carelessly aside, and laughing drily in a voice singularly like the stranger’s, turned itself up with its four legs at Mrs. Hall, seemed to take aim at her for a moment, and charged at her. She screamed and turned, and then the chair legs came gently but firmly against her back and impelled her and Hall out of the room. The door slammed violently and was locked. The chair and bed seemed to be executing a dance of triumph for a moment, and then abruptly everything was still.

As she did so, something very strange happened. The bedclothes gathered together, suddenly leaped into a sort of peak, and then jumped headfirst over the footboard. It was exactly as if a hand had grabbed them in the middle and flung them aside. Immediately afterward, the stranger’s hat hopped off the bedpost. It whirled through most of a circle in the air, then flew straight at Mrs. Hall’s face. The sponge from the washstand came just as quickly. Then the chair flung the stranger’s coat and trousers carelessly aside and laughed dryly, in a voice remarkably like the stranger’s. It turned over with its four legs pointing at Mrs. Hall. For a moment, it seemed to aim at her, then charged. She screamed and turned. The chair legs pressed gently but firmly against her back, pushing her and Hall out of the room. The door slammed violently and locked. For a moment, the chair and bed seemed to dance in triumph. Then suddenly everything was still.

Mrs. Hall was left almost in a fainting condition in Mr. Hall’s arms on the landing. It was with the greatest difficulty that Mr. Hall and Millie, who had been roused by her scream of alarm, succeeded in getting her downstairs, and applying the restoratives customary in such cases.

Mrs. Hall was left nearly fainting in Mr. Hall’s arms on the landing. Her scream of alarm had woken Millie. With great difficulty, Mr. Hall and Millie got Mrs. Hall downstairs and gave her the usual remedies for fainting.

“’Tas sperits,” said Mrs. Hall. “I know ’tas sperits. I’ve read in papers of en. Tables and chairs leaping and dancing...”

“It's spirits,” said Mrs. Hall. “I know it's spirits. I've read in the papers about them. Tables and chairs leaping and dancing...”

“Take a drop more, Janny,” said Hall. “’Twill steady ye.”

“Take another drop, Janny,” said Hall. “It will steady you.”

“Lock him out,” said Mrs. Hall. “Don’t let him come in again. I half guessed—I might ha’ known. With them goggling eyes and bandaged head, and never going to church of a Sunday. And all they bottles—more’n it’s right for any one to have. He’s put the sperits into the furniture.... My good old furniture! ’Twas in that very chair my poor dear mother used to sit when I was a little girl. To think it should rise up against me now!”

“Lock him out,” said Mrs. Hall. “Don’t let him come in again. I half guessed. I might have known. With those goggling eyes and bandaged head, and never going to church on a Sunday. And all those bottles, more than it’s right for anyone to have. He’s put the spirits into the furniture.... My good old furniture! My poor dear mother used to sit in that very chair when I was a little girl. To think it should rise up against me now!”

“Just a drop more, Janny,” said Hall. “Your nerves is all upset.”

“Just a drop more, Janny,” said Hall. “Your nerves is all upset.”

They sent Millie across the street through the golden five o’clock sunshine to rouse up Mr. Sandy Wadgers, the blacksmith. Mr. Hall’s compliments and the furniture upstairs was behaving most extraordinary. Would Mr. Wadgers come round? He was a knowing man, was Mr. Wadgers, and very resourceful. He took quite a grave view of the case. “Arm darmed if thet ent witchcraft,” was the view of Mr. Sandy Wadgers. “You warnt horseshoes for such gentry as he.”

They sent Millie across the street in the golden five o’clock sunshine to wake Mr. Sandy Wadgers, the blacksmith. She brought Mr. Hall’s compliments and said the furniture upstairs was behaving very strangely. Would Mr. Wadgers come over? Mr. Wadgers was a knowledgeable man and very resourceful. He thought the case was quite serious. “I’m damned if that ain’t witchcraft,” said Mr. Sandy Wadgers. “You want horseshoes for such gentry as he.”

He came round greatly concerned. They wanted him to lead the way upstairs to the room, but he didn’t seem to be in any hurry. He preferred to talk in the passage. Over the way Huxter’s apprentice came out and began taking down the shutters of the tobacco window. He was called over to join the discussion. Mr. Huxter naturally followed over in the course of a few minutes. The Anglo-Saxon genius for parliamentary government asserted itself; there was a great deal of talk and no decisive action. “Let’s have the facts first,” insisted Mr. Sandy Wadgers. “Let’s be sure we’d be acting perfectly right in bustin’ that there door open. A door onbust is always open to bustin’, but ye can’t onbust a door once you’ve busted en.”

He came over, looking very concerned. They wanted him to lead the way upstairs to the room, but he seemed in no hurry. He preferred to talk in the passage. Across the street, Huxter’s apprentice came out and began taking down the shutters from the tobacco shop window. They called him over to join the discussion. Naturally, Mr. Huxter followed a few minutes later. The Anglo-Saxon genius for parliamentary government asserted itself. There was a great deal of talk and no decisive action. “Let’s have the facts first,” insisted Mr. Sandy Wadgers. “Let’s be sure we’d be acting perfectly right in busting that there door open. An unbusted door is always open to busting, but you can’t unbust a door once you’ve busted it.”

And suddenly and most wonderfully the door of the room upstairs opened of its own accord, and as they looked up in amazement, they saw descending the stairs the muffled figure of the stranger staring more blackly and blankly than ever with those unreasonably large blue glass eyes of his. He came down stiffly and slowly, staring all the time; he walked across the passage staring, then stopped.

And suddenly, most amazingly, the door of the upstairs room opened by itself. They looked up in amazement and saw the stranger's bundled-up figure coming down the stairs. He stared more darkly and blankly than ever through his absurdly large blue glass eyes. He came down stiffly and slowly, staring all the time. He walked across the passage, still staring, then stopped.

“Look there!” he said, and their eyes followed the direction of his gloved finger and saw a bottle of sarsaparilla hard by the cellar door. Then he entered the parlour, and suddenly, swiftly, viciously, slammed the door in their faces.

“Look there!” he said. They followed his gloved finger and saw a bottle of sarsaparilla near the cellar door. Then he entered the sitting room and suddenly slammed the door in their faces, swiftly and viciously.

Not a word was spoken until the last echoes of the slam had died away. They stared at one another. “Well, if that don’t lick everything!” said Mr. Wadgers, and left the alternative unsaid.

No one spoke until the last echoes of the slam had faded. They stared at one another. “Well, if that don’t lick everything!” said Mr. Wadgers. He left the alternative unsaid.

“I’d go in and ask’n ’bout it,” said Wadgers, to Mr. Hall. “I’d d’mand an explanation.”

“I’d go in and ask him about it,” Wadgers said to Mr. Hall. “I’d demand an explanation.”

It took some time to bring the landlady’s husband up to that pitch. At last he rapped, opened the door, and got as far as, “Excuse me—”

It took some time to get the landlady’s husband to that point. At last, he knocked and opened the door. He got as far as, “Excuse me...”

“Go to the devil!” said the stranger in a tremendous voice, and “Shut that door after you.” So that brief interview terminated.

“Go to the devil!” the stranger shouted. “Shut that door after you.” And so the brief interview ended.