Book 7

Deceased was now that my evil and abominable youth, and I was passing into early manhood; the more defiled by vain things as I grew in years, who could not imagine any substance, but such as is wont to be seen with these eyes. I thought not of Thee, O God, under the figure of a human body; since I began to hear aught of wisdom, I always avoided this; and rejoiced to have found the same in the faith of our spiritual mother, Thy Catholic Church. But what else to conceive of Thee I knew not. And I, a man, and such a man, sought to conceive of Thee the sovereign, only, true God; and I did in my inmost soul believe that Thou wert incorruptible, and uninjurable, and unchangeable; because though not knowing whence or how, yet I saw plainly, and was sure, that that which may be corrupted must be inferior to that which cannot; what could not be injured I preferred unhesitatingly to what could receive injury; the unchangeable to things subject to change. My heart passionately cried out against all my phantoms, and with this one blow I sought to beat away from the eye of my mind all that unclean troop which buzzed around it. And lo, being scarce put off, in the twinkling of an eye they gathered again thick about me, flew against my face, and beclouded it; so that though not under the form of the human body, yet was I constrained to conceive of Thee (that incorruptible, uninjurable, and unchangeable, which I preferred before the corruptible, and injurable, and changeable) as being in space, whether infused into the world, or diffused infinitely without it. Because whatsoever I conceived, deprived of this space, seemed to me nothing, yea altogether nothing, not even a void, as if a body were taken out of its place, and the place should remain empty of any body at all, of earth and water, air and heaven, yet would it remain a void place, as it were a spacious nothing.

My evil and shameful youth was now dead, and I was passing into early manhood. The older I grew, the more I was defiled by empty things. I could not imagine any substance except the kind these eyes usually see. I did not think of you, O God, in the shape of a human body. Ever since I began to hear anything of wisdom, I had always avoided that. And I was glad to find the same view in the faith of our spiritual mother, your Catholic Church. But I did not know how else to think of you. And I, a man, and such a man, tried to conceive of you, the supreme, only, true God. In my inmost soul I believed that you were incorruptible, could not be harmed, and could not change. I did not know where this came from or how. Yet I saw plainly, and was sure, that what can be corrupted must be lower than what cannot. Without hesitation I ranked what could not be harmed above what could be harmed, and the unchangeable above things subject to change. My heart cried out passionately against all my phantoms, the false images in my mind. With this one blow I tried to drive from my mind's eye that whole unclean swarm buzzing around it. But look, they were barely driven off when, in the blink of an eye, they gathered thickly around me again. They flew against my face and clouded it. So, though I did not picture you in the form of a human body, I was still forced to think of you as being in space. I mean you, the incorruptible, unharmable, and unchangeable, which I ranked above the corruptible, harmable, and changeable. I pictured you either poured into the world or spread out infinitely beyond it. For whatever I conceived without this space seemed to me nothing, yes, altogether nothing, not even a void. A void is what remains if a body is taken out of its place, and the place is left empty of any body at all, of earth and water, air and heaven. That would still be an empty place, a kind of spacious nothing.

I then being thus gross-hearted, nor clear even to myself, whatsoever was not extended over certain spaces, nor diffused, nor condensed, nor swelled out, or did not or could not receive some of these dimensions, I thought to be altogether nothing. For over such forms as my eyes are wont to range, did my heart then range: nor yet did I see that this same notion of the mind, whereby I formed those very images, was not of this sort, and yet it could not have formed them, had not itself been some great thing. So also did I endeavour to conceive of Thee, Life of my life, as vast, through infinite spaces on every side penetrating the whole mass of the universe, and beyond it, every way, through unmeasurable boundless spaces; so that the earth should have Thee, the heaven have Thee, all things have Thee, and they be bounded in Thee, and Thou bounded nowhere. For that as the body of this air which is above the earth, hindereth not the light of the sun from passing through it, penetrating it, not by bursting or by cutting, but by filling it wholly: so I thought the body not of heaven, air, and sea only, but of the earth too, pervious to Thee, so that in all its parts, the greatest as the smallest, it should admit Thy presence, by a secret inspiration, within and without, directing all things which Thou hast created. So I guessed, only as unable to conceive aught else, for it was false. For thus should a greater part of the earth contain a greater portion of Thee, and a less, a lesser: and all things should in such sort be full of Thee, that the body of an elephant should contain more of Thee, than that of a sparrow, by how much larger it is, and takes up more room; and thus shouldest Thou make the several portions of Thyself present unto the several portions of the world, in fragments, large to the large, petty to the petty. But such art not Thou. But not as yet hadst Thou enlightened my darkness.

I was so dull of heart then, and not clear even to myself, that I thought anything was altogether nothing if it was not stretched over some space. That included whatever was not spread out, packed together, or swelled out, and whatever did not or could not take on some of these dimensions. For my heart then roamed over the same kinds of forms that my eyes usually roam over. Nor did I yet see that the very act of mind by which I formed those images was not of this kind. And yet it could not have formed them unless it was itself something great. So I also tried to conceive of you, Life of my life, as vast. I pictured you penetrating the whole mass of the universe through infinite spaces on every side, and beyond it in every direction, through immeasurable, boundless spaces. So the earth would have you, heaven would have you, all things would have you. They would be bounded in you, and you would be bounded nowhere. The body of air above the earth does not block the sun's light from passing through it. The light penetrates it, not by bursting or cutting it, but by filling it wholly. In the same way I thought that the body not only of heaven, air, and sea, but of the earth too, was open for you to pass through. So in all its parts, the greatest as well as the smallest, it would admit your presence. By a hidden inspiration, within and without, you would direct all the things you have created. So I guessed, only because I could not conceive of anything else. For it was false. If it were so, a greater part of the earth would hold a greater portion of you, and a smaller part a smaller portion. All things would be full of you in such a way that an elephant's body would hold more of you than a sparrow's, by as much as it is larger and takes up more room. And so you would make the separate portions of yourself present to the separate portions of the world, in fragments, large to the large and small to the small. But you are not like that. But you had not yet lit up my darkness.

It was enough for me, Lord, to oppose to those deceived deceivers, and dumb praters, since Thy word sounded not out of them;—that was enough which long ago, while we were yet at Carthage, Nebridius used to propound, at which all we that heard it were staggered: "That said nation of darkness, which the Manichees are wont to set as an opposing mass over against Thee, what could it have done unto Thee, hadst Thou refused to fight with it? For, if they answered, 'it would have done Thee some hurt,' then shouldest Thou be subject to injury and corruption: but it could do Thee no hurt,' then was no reason brought for Thy fighting with it; and fighting in such wise, as that a certain portion or member of Thee, or offspring of Thy very Substance, should be mingled with opposed powers, and natures not created by Thee, and be by them so far corrupted and changed to the worse, as to be turned from happiness into misery, and need assistance, whereby it might be extricated and purified; and that this offspring of Thy Substance was the soul, which being enthralled, defiled, corrupted, Thy Word, free, pure, and whole, might relieve; that Word itself being still corruptible because it was of one and the same Substance. So then, should they affirm Thee, whatsoever Thou art, that is, Thy Substance whereby Thou art, to be incorruptible, then were all these sayings false and execrable; but if corruptible, the very statement showed it to be false and revolting." This argument then of Nebridius sufficed against those who deserved wholly to be vomited out of the overcharged stomach; for they had no escape, without horrible blasphemy of heart and tongue, thus thinking and speaking of Thee.

Lord, those deceived deceivers were mute chatterers, since your word did not sound from them. Against them it was enough for me to set what Nebridius used to put forward long ago, while we were still at Carthage. All of us who heard it were shaken by it: "What could that so-called nation of darkness have done to you, if you had refused to fight it? The Manichees usually set it up as a hostile mass against you. If they answered, 'It would have done you some harm,' then you would be subject to injury and corruption. But if they answered, 'It could do you no harm,' then they gave no reason for your fighting it. And they say you fought in such a way that some portion or member of you, some offspring of your very Substance, was mixed with hostile powers and with natures you did not create. They say it was corrupted by them and changed for the worse, so far as to be turned from happiness into misery. So it needed help to be freed and purified. They say this offspring of your Substance was the soul. Enslaved, defiled, and corrupted, it was to be relieved by your Word, free, pure, and whole. Yet then that Word itself would still be corruptible, because it was of one and the same Substance. So if they affirmed that you, whatever you are, that is, your Substance by which you are, are incorruptible, then all these sayings were false and detestable. But if they said you were corruptible, that very statement showed it to be false and revolting." This argument of Nebridius, then, was enough against those people, who deserved to be wholly vomited out of the overloaded stomach. For they had no way of escape, without horrible blasphemy of heart and tongue, from thinking and speaking of you in this way.

But I also as yet, although I held and was firmly persuaded that Thou our Lord the true God, who madest not only our souls, but our bodies, and not only our souls and bodies, but all beings, and all things, wert undefilable and unalterable, and in no degree mutable; yet understood I not, clearly and without difficulty, the cause of evil. And yet whatever it were, I perceived it was in such wise to be sought out, as should not constrain me to believe the immutable God to be mutable, lest I should become that evil I was seeking out. I sought it out then, thus far free from anxiety, certain of the untruth of what these held, from whom I shrunk with my whole heart: for I saw, that through enquiring the origin of evil, they were filled with evil, in that they preferred to think that Thy substance did suffer ill than their own did commit it.

Though I firmly believed that You, our Lord and true God, created not just our souls and bodies, but all beings and things, and that You were pure and unchangeable, I still struggled to understand the origin of evil. Yet I knew that in seeking this answer, I must not allow myself to doubt God's immutable nature, for then I would become part of the evil I was investigating. I pursued this question with some peace of mind, knowing with certainty that those I rejected were wrong. I saw that in their search for evil's origins, they became corrupted, choosing to believe that Your divine essence could suffer evil rather than admit their own wrongdoing.

And I strained to perceive what I now heard, that free-will was the cause of our doing ill, and Thy just judgment of our suffering ill. But I was not able clearly to discern it. So then endeavouring to draw my soul's vision out of that deep pit, I was again plunged therein, and endeavouring often, I was plunged back as often. But this raised me a little into Thy light, that I knew as well that I had a will, as that I lived: when then I did will or nill any thing, I was most sure that no other than myself did will and nill: and I all but saw that there was the cause of my sin. But what I did against my will, I saw that I suffered rather than did, and I judged not to be my fault, but my punishment; whereby, however, holding Thee to be just, I speedily confessed myself to be not unjustly punished. But again I said, Who made me? Did not my God, Who is not only good, but goodness itself? Whence then came I to will evil and nill good, so that I am thus justly punished? who set this in me, and ingrafted into me this plant of bitterness, seeing I was wholly formed by my most sweet God? If the devil were the author, whence is that same devil? And if he also by his own perverse will, of a good angel became a devil, whence, again, came in him that evil will whereby he became a devil, seeing the whole nature of angels was made by that most good Creator? By these thoughts I was again sunk down and choked; yet not brought down to that hell of error (where no man confesseth unto Thee), to think rather that Thou dost suffer ill, than that man doth it.

I strained to understand what I now heard: that free will was the cause of our doing wrong, and your just judgment the cause of our suffering wrong. But I could not see it clearly. So I tried to draw my soul's sight out of that deep pit, but I was plunged back into it. I tried often, and I was plunged back as often. But one thing raised me a little into your light. I knew that I had a will as surely as I knew that I lived. So when I willed or refused anything, I was completely sure that it was I and no one else who willed or refused. And I almost saw that the cause of my sin lay there. But what I did against my will, I saw that I suffered rather than did. I judged it to be not my fault but my punishment. Yet since I held you to be just, I quickly admitted that I was not unjustly punished. But again I said: Who made me? Was it not my God, who is not only good, but goodness itself? How then did I come to will evil and refuse good, so that I am justly punished? Who put this in me and grafted into me this bitter plant, since I was wholly formed by my most sweet God? If the devil was the author, where did the devil come from? And if he too became a devil from a good angel by his own perverse will, where did that evil will in him come from, by which he became a devil? For the whole nature of angels was made by that most good Creator. These thoughts sank me down again and choked me. Yet I was not brought down to that hell of error, where no one confesses to you, of thinking that you suffer evil rather than that man does it.

For I was in such wise striving to find out the rest, as one who had already found that the incorruptible must needs be better than the corruptible: and Thee therefore, whatsoever Thou wert, I confessed to be incorruptible. For never soul was, nor shall be, able to conceive any thing which may be better than Thou, who art the sovereign and the best good. But since most truly and certainly, the incorruptible is preferable to the corruptible (as I did now prefer it), then, wert Thou not incorruptible, I could in thought have arrived at something better than my God. Where then I saw the incorruptible to be preferable to the corruptible, there ought I to seek for Thee, and there observe "wherein evil itself was"; that is, whence corruption comes, by which Thy substance can by no means be impaired. For corruption does no ways impair our God; by no will, by no necessity, by no unlooked-for chance: because He is God, and what He wills is good, and Himself is that good; but to be corrupted is not good. Nor art Thou against Thy will constrained to any thing, since Thy will is not greater than Thy power. But greater should it be, were Thyself greater than Thyself. For the will and power of God is God Himself. And what can be unlooked-for by Thee, Who knowest all things? Nor is there any nature in things, but Thou knowest it. And what should we more say, "why that substance which God is should not be corruptible," seeing if it were so, it should not be God?

For I was trying to find out the rest as one who had already found that the incorruptible must be better than the corruptible. So I confessed that you, whatever you were, were incorruptible. For no soul ever was or ever will be able to conceive of anything better than you, who are the supreme and best good. Now most truly and certainly the incorruptible is to be preferred to the corruptible, as I already preferred it. So if you were not incorruptible, I could have reached in thought something better than my God. Where I saw that the incorruptible is to be preferred to the corruptible, there I ought to seek you. And there I ought to observe "where evil itself was," that is, where corruption comes from, by which your substance can in no way be harmed. For corruption in no way harms our God, not by any will, by any necessity, or by any unforeseen chance. For he is God, and what he wills is good, and he himself is that good. But to be corrupted is not good. Nor are you forced into anything against your will, since your will is not greater than your power. It would be greater only if you were greater than yourself. For the will and power of God are God himself. And what can be unforeseen by you, who know all things? There is no nature in anything that you do not know. And why should we say more about "why that substance which God is should not be corruptible," since if it were, it would not be God?

And I sought "whence is evil," and sought in an evil way; and saw not the evil in my very search. I set now before the sight of my spirit the whole creation, whatsoever we can see therein (as sea, earth, air, stars, trees, mortal creatures); yea, and whatever in it we do not see, as the firmament of heaven, all angels moreover, and all the spiritual inhabitants thereof. But these very beings, as though they were bodies, did my fancy dispose in place, and I made one great mass of Thy creation, distinguished as to the kinds of bodies; some, real bodies, some, what myself had feigned for spirits. And this mass I made huge, not as it was (which I could not know), but as I thought convenient, yet every way finite. But Thee, O Lord, I imagined on every part environing and penetrating it, though every way infinite: as if there were a sea, every where, and on every side, through unmeasured space, one only boundless sea, and it contained within it some sponge, huge, but bounded; that sponge must needs, in all its parts, be filled from that unmeasurable sea: so conceived I Thy creation, itself finite, full of Thee, the Infinite; and I said, Behold God, and behold what God hath created; and God is good, yea, most mightily and incomparably better than all these: but yet He, the Good, created them good; and see how He environeth and fulfils them. Where is evil then, and whence, and how crept it in hither? What is its root, and what its seed? Or hath it no being? Why then fear we and avoid what is not? Or if we fear it idly, then is that very fear evil, whereby the soul is thus idly goaded and racked. Yea, and so much a greater evil, as we have nothing to fear, and yet do fear. Therefore either is that evil which we fear, or else evil is, that we fear. Whence is it then? seeing God, the Good, hath created all these things good. He indeed, the greater and chiefest Good, hath created these lesser goods; still both Creator and created, all are good. Whence is evil? Or, was there some evil matter of which He made, and formed, and ordered it, yet left something in it which He did not convert into good? Why so then? Had He no might to turn and change the whole, so that no evil should remain in it, seeing He is All-mighty? Lastly, why would He make any thing at all of it, and not rather by the same All-mightiness cause it not to be at all? Or, could it then be against His will? Or if it were from eternity, why suffered He it so to be for infinite spaces of times past, and was pleased so long after to make something out of it? Or if He were suddenly pleased now to effect somewhat, this rather should the All-mighty have effected, that this evil matter should not be, and He alone be, the whole, true, sovereign, and infinite Good. Or if it was not good that He who was good should not also frame and create something that were good, then, that evil matter being taken away and brought to nothing, He might form good matter, whereof to create all things. For He should not be All-mighty, if He might not create something good without the aid of that matter which Himself had not created. These thoughts I revolved in my miserable heart, overcharged with most gnawing cares, lest I should die ere I had found the truth; yet was the faith of Thy Christ, our Lord and Saviour, professed in the Church Catholic, firmly fixed in my heart, in many points, indeed, as yet unformed, and fluctuating from the rule of doctrine; yet did not my mind utterly leave it, but rather daily took in more and more of it.

I asked "where evil comes from," and I asked in an evil way, and I did not see the evil in my very search. I set the whole creation before the sight of my spirit. I set there whatever we can see in it, such as sea, earth, air, stars, trees, and mortal creatures. I set there also whatever in it we do not see, such as the firmament of heaven, all the angels, and all its spiritual inhabitants. But my imagination arranged even these beings in places, as though they were bodies. I made your creation into one great mass, sorted by kinds of bodies. Some were real bodies, and some were what I myself had invented for spirits. I made this mass huge, not as large as it really was (which I could not know), but as large as I thought fit. Yet I made it finite on every side. But you, O Lord, I imagined surrounding it and penetrating it on every side, while you were infinite in every direction. It was as if there were a sea everywhere, stretching on every side through unmeasured space, one single boundless sea. And it held within it a sponge, huge but bounded. That sponge would have to be filled in all its parts from that immeasurable sea. That is how I conceived your creation: finite in itself, and full of you, the Infinite. And I said, Look at God, and look at what God has created. God is good, yes, mightily and incomparably better than all these. But he, the Good, created them good. And see how he surrounds and fills them. Where then is evil, and where did it come from, and how did it creep in here? What is its root, and what is its seed? Or does it not exist at all? Then why do we fear and avoid what does not exist? Or if we fear it for no reason, then that very fear is evil, by which the soul is needlessly goaded and tortured. And it is all the greater an evil, since we have nothing to fear and yet we fear. So either the evil we fear exists, or else the evil is that we fear. Where then does it come from, since God, the Good, has created all these things good? He, the greater and supreme Good, has created these lesser goods. Still, Creator and created alike, all are good. Where does evil come from? Or was there some evil matter out of which he made and formed and ordered this world, yet left something in it that he did not turn into good? Why so? Did he lack the power to turn and change the whole, so that no evil remained in it, though he is Almighty? Finally, why would he make anything at all out of it? Why not rather use that same almighty power to make it not exist at all? Or could it exist against his will? Or if it existed from eternity, why did he let it be so through infinite stretches of past time, and then choose so long afterward to make something out of it? Or if he suddenly chose now to do something, the Almighty should rather have done this: made that evil matter cease to be, so that he alone would exist, the whole, true, supreme, and infinite Good. Or if it was not good that he who was good should not also shape and create something good, then he could have taken that evil matter away and brought it to nothing. Then he could have formed good matter from which to create all things. For he would not be Almighty if he could not create something good without the help of matter he had not himself created. I turned these thoughts over in my miserable heart. It was weighed down with the most gnawing cares, for fear I would die before I had found the truth. Yet the faith of your Christ, our Lord and Saviour, as the Catholic Church professes it, was firmly fixed in my heart. In many points it was still unformed, and it wavered from the rule of doctrine. Yet my mind did not abandon it completely. Rather, it took in more and more of it every day.

By this time also had I rejected the lying divinations and impious dotages of the astrologers. Let Thine own mercies, out of my very inmost soul, confess unto Thee for this also, O my God. For Thou, Thou altogether (for who else calls us back from the death of all errors, save the Life which cannot die, and the Wisdom which needing no light enlightens the minds that need it, whereby the universe is directed, down to the whirling leaves of trees?)—Thou madest provision for my obstinacy wherewith I struggled against Vindicianus, an acute old man, and Nebridius, a young man of admirable talents; the first vehemently affirming, and the latter often (though with some doubtfulness) saying, "That there was no such art whereby to foresee things to come, but that men's conjectures were a sort of lottery, and that out of many things which they said should come to pass, some actually did, unawares to them who spake it, who stumbled upon it, through their oft speaking." Thou providedst then a friend for me, no negligent consulter of the astrologers; nor yet well skilled in those arts, but (as I said) a curious consulter with them, and yet knowing something, which he said he had heard of his father, which how far it went to overthrow the estimation of that art, he knew not. This man then, Firminus by name, having had a liberal education, and well taught in Rhetoric, consulted me, as one very dear to him, what, according to his so-called constellations, I thought on certain affairs of his, wherein his worldly hopes had risen, and I, who had herein now begun to incline towards Nebridius' opinion, did not altogether refuse to conjecture, and tell him what came into my unresolved mind; but added, that I was now almost persuaded that these were but empty and ridiculous follies. Thereupon he told me that his father had been very curious in such books, and had a friend as earnest in them as himself, who with joint study and conference fanned the flame of their affections to these toys, so that they would observe the moments whereat the very dumb animals, which bred about their houses, gave birth, and then observed the relative position of the heavens, thereby to make fresh experiments in this so-called art. He said then that he had heard of his father, that what time his mother was about to give birth to him, Firminus, a woman-servant of that friend of his father's was also with child, which could not escape her master, who took care with most exact diligence to know the births of his very puppies. And so it was that (the one for his wife, and the other for his servant, with the most careful observation, reckoning days, hours, nay, the lesser divisions of the hours) both were delivered at the same instant; so that both were constrained to allow the same constellations, even to the minutest points, the one for his son, the other for his new-born slave. For so soon as the women began to be in labour, they each gave notice to the other what was fallen out in their houses, and had messengers ready to send to one another so soon as they had notice of the actual birth, of which they had easily provided, each in his own province, to give instant intelligence. Thus then the messengers of the respective parties met, he averred, at such an equal distance from either house that neither of them could make out any difference in the position of the stars, or any other minutest points; and yet Firminus, born in a high estate in his parents' house, ran his course through the gilded paths of life, was increased in riches, raised to honours; whereas that slave continued to serve his masters, without any relaxation of his yoke, as Firminus, who knew him, told me.

By this time I had also rejected the lying predictions and impious ravings of the astrologers. Let your own mercies confess to you for this too, O my God, from my inmost soul. For it was you, you entirely. For who else calls us back from the death of all errors except the Life that cannot die, and the Wisdom that needs no light yet lights the minds that need it? By that Wisdom the universe is directed, down to the whirling leaves of trees. You made provision for my stubbornness, with which I argued against Vindicianus, a sharp old man, and Nebridius, a young man of admirable gifts. The first insisted strongly, and the second often said (though with some doubt), "That there was no such art for foreseeing things to come. Rather, people's guesses were a kind of lottery. Out of the many things they said would happen, some actually did happen, without the speakers knowing it. They stumbled on it through speaking so often." Then you provided a friend for me who was no careless consulter of astrologers. He was not well skilled in those arts, but (as I said) he consulted them out of curiosity. Yet he knew something he said he had heard from his father, though he did not know how far it went to overthrow the reputation of that art. This man, named Firminus, had a liberal education and was well trained in rhetoric. He consulted me as someone very dear to him about certain affairs of his, in which his worldly hopes had risen. He asked what I thought of them according to his so-called constellations. I had by now begun to lean toward Nebridius' opinion. Yet I did not altogether refuse to make a guess and tell him what came into my undecided mind. But I added that I was now almost persuaded that these things were only empty and ridiculous follies. Then he told me that his father had been very curious about such books. His father had a friend as eager about them as he was. By studying and conferring together, they fanned the flame of their passion for these toys. They would even note the moments when the dumb animals bred around their houses gave birth, and then note the position of the heavens, to make fresh experiments in this so-called art. He said he had heard from his father that when his mother was about to give birth to him, Firminus, a slave woman of his father's friend was also pregnant. This could not escape her master, who took the most exact care to know the births even of his puppies. So it happened that the two men counted with the most careful observation, the one for his wife and the other for his servant. They counted days, hours, and even the smaller divisions of hours. And both women gave birth at the same instant. So both men were forced to assign the same constellations, down to the finest points, the one to his son, the other to his newborn slave. For as soon as the women went into labor, each man told the other what was happening in his house. They had messengers ready to send to each other the moment they heard of the actual birth. Each had easily arranged this in his own domain, to give instant news. And so the messengers of the two men met, he insisted, at exactly the same distance from either house. So neither man could find any difference in the position of the stars, or in any other smallest detail. And yet Firminus, born to high rank in his parents' house, ran his course along the gilded paths of life. He grew in riches and was raised to honors. But that slave went on serving his masters, with no easing of his yoke, as Firminus, who knew him, told me.

Upon hearing and believing these things, told by one of such credibility, all that my resistance gave way; and first I endeavoured to reclaim Firminus himself from that curiosity, by telling him that upon inspecting his constellations, I ought if I were to predict truly, to have seen in them parents eminent among their neighbours, a noble family in its own city, high birth, good education, liberal learning. But if that servant had consulted me upon the same constellations, since they were his also, I ought again (to tell him too truly) to see in them a lineage the most abject, a slavish condition, and every thing else utterly at variance with the former. Whence then, if I spake the truth, I should, from the same constellations, speak diversely, or if I spake the same, speak falsely: thence it followed most certainly that whatever, upon consideration of the constellations, was spoken truly, was spoken not out of art, but chance; and whatever spoken falsely, was not out of ignorance in the art, but the failure of the chance.

After hearing these credible claims, my resistance crumbled. First, I tried to guide Firminus away from his fascination with astrology. I explained that if I were to make accurate predictions based on his star chart, I should have seen signs of distinguished parents, respected in their community, a noble family heritage, excellent education, and classical learning. However, if that servant had asked me to read the same star configuration—since they shared the same stars—I would have had to truthfully predict a completely different fate: the lowest social status, enslavement, and circumstances entirely opposite to Firminus's. So if I spoke truthfully, I would have to give contradictory readings from identical stars. And if I gave identical readings, one would necessarily be false. This clearly proves that any accurate astrological prediction comes from luck rather than skill, while inaccurate predictions stem not from poor technique but from simple misfortune.

An opening thus made, ruminating with myself on the like things, that no one of those dotards (who lived by such a trade, and whom I longed to attack, and with derision to confute) might urge against me that Firminus had informed me falsely, or his father him; I bent my thoughts on those that are born twins, who for the most part come out of the womb so near one to other, that the small interval (how much force soever in the nature of things folk may pretend it to have) cannot be noted by human observation, or be at all expressed in those figures which the astrologer is to inspect, that he may pronounce truly. Yet they cannot be true: for looking into the same figures, he must have predicted the same of Esau and Jacob, whereas the same happened not to them. Therefore he must speak falsely; or if truly, then, looking into the same figures, he must not give the same answer. Not by art, then, but by chance, would he speak truly. For Thou, O Lord, most righteous Ruler of the Universe, while consulters and consulted know it not, dost by Thy hidden inspiration effect that the consulter should hear what, according to the hidden deservings of souls, he ought to hear, out of the unsearchable depth of Thy just judgment, to Whom let no man say, What is this? Why that? Let him not so say, for he is man.

Once this opening was made, I thought over similar cases by myself. I wanted none of those doting fools to be able to argue against me that Firminus had told me falsely, or his father had told him falsely. They made their living by such a trade, and I longed to attack them and refute them with ridicule. So I turned my thoughts to those born twins. For the most part they come out of the womb so close to each other that the small interval (however much force people may claim it has in the nature of things) cannot be noted by human observation. Nor can it be expressed at all in the charts the astrologer must examine in order to predict truly. Yet his predictions cannot be true. For looking at the same charts, he would have had to predict the same things for Esau and Jacob. But the same things did not happen to them. So he would have to speak falsely. Or if he spoke truly, he would have to give different answers from the same charts. So he would speak truly not by skill, but by chance. For you, O Lord, most righteous Ruler of the universe, act by your hidden inspiration, while neither those who consult nor those consulted know it. You bring it about that the one who consults hears what he ought to hear, according to the hidden deserts of souls, out of the unsearchable depth of your just judgment. To you let no man say, What is this? Why that? Let him not say so, for he is a man.

Now then, O my Helper, hadst Thou loosed me from those fetters: and I sought "whence is evil," and found no way. But Thou sufferedst me not by any fluctuations of thought to be carried away from the Faith whereby I believed Thee both to be, and Thy substance to be unchangeable, and that Thou hast a care of, and wouldest judge men, and that in Christ, Thy Son, Our Lord, and the holy Scriptures, which the authority of Thy Catholic Church pressed upon me, Thou hadst set the way of man's salvation, to that life which is to be after this death. These things being safe and immovably settled in my mind, I sought anxiously "whence was evil?" What were the pangs of my teeming heart, what groans, O my God! yet even there were Thine ears open, and I knew it not; and when in silence I vehemently sought, those silent contritions of my soul were strong cries unto Thy mercy. Thou knewest what I suffered, and no man. For, what was that which was thence through my tongue distilled into the ears of my most familiar friends? Did the whole tumult of my soul, for which neither time nor utterance sufficed, reach them? Yet went up the whole to Thy hearing, all which I roared out from the groanings of my heart; and my desire was before Thee, and the light of mine eyes was not with me: for that was within, I without: nor was that confined to place, but I was intent on things contained in place, but there found I no resting-place, nor did they so receive me, that I could say, "It is enough," "it is well": nor did they yet suffer me to turn back, where it might be well enough with me. For to these things was I superior, but inferior to Thee; and Thou art my true joy when subjected to Thee, and Thou hadst subjected to me what Thou createdst below me. And this was the true temperament, and middle region of my safety, to remain in Thy Image, and by serving Thee, rule the body. But when I rose proudly against Thee, and ran against the Lord with my neck, with the thick bosses of my buckler, even these inferior things were set above me, and pressed me down, and no where was there respite or space of breathing. They met my sight on all sides by heaps and troops, and in thought the images thereof presented themselves unsought, as I would return to Thee, as if they would say unto me, "Whither goest thou, unworthy and defiled?" And these things had grown out of my wound; for Thou "humbledst the proud like one that is wounded," and through my own swelling was I separated from Thee; yea, my pride-swollen face closed up mine eyes.

Now, O my Helper, you had freed me from those chains. And I sought "where evil comes from," and found no way. But you did not let any swaying of my thoughts carry me away from the Faith. By that Faith I believed that you exist, and that your substance is unchangeable. I believed that you care for men and will judge them. And I believed that in Christ, your Son, our Lord, and in the holy Scriptures, which the authority of your Catholic Church urged on me, you had laid out the way of man's salvation to the life that is to come after this death. With these things safe and immovably settled in my mind, I anxiously asked, "Where did evil come from?" What pangs my heart suffered as it labored to give birth, what groans, O my God! Yet even there your ears were open, and I did not know it. And when I searched hard in silence, those silent sorrows of my soul were loud cries to your mercy. You knew what I suffered, and no man knew. For how much of it passed through my tongue into the ears of my closest friends? Did the whole uproar of my soul reach them, when neither time nor speech was enough for it? Yet all of it went up to your hearing, all that I roared out from the groaning of my heart. My desire was before you, and the light of my eyes was not with me. For that light was within, and I was outside. Nor was that light confined to a place. But I was fixed on things contained in places, and among them I found no resting place. Nor did they receive me so that I could say, "It is enough," and "it is well." Nor did they let me turn back to where it might be well enough with me. For I was above these things, but below you. You are my true joy when I am subject to you, and you had made subject to me the things you created below me. This was the right balance, the middle region of my safety: to remain in your image, and by serving you, to rule the body. But when I rose proudly against you, and ran against the Lord with my neck, with the thick bosses of my shield, even these lower things were set above me. They pressed me down, and nowhere was there relief or room to breathe. They met my sight on every side in heaps and crowds. And in my thoughts their images came to me unbidden whenever I tried to return to you. It was as if they said to me, "Where are you going, unworthy and defiled?" These things had grown out of my wound. For you "humbled the proud like one that is wounded," and I was separated from you by my own swelling. Yes, my face, swollen with pride, closed up my eyes.

But Thou, Lord, abidest for ever, yet not for ever art Thou angry with us; because Thou pitiest our dust and ashes, and it was pleasing in Thy sight to reform my deformities; and by inward goads didst Thou rouse me, that I should be ill at ease, until Thou wert manifested to my inward sight. Thus, by the secret hand of Thy medicining was my swelling abated, and the troubled and bedimmed eyesight of my mind, by the smarting anointings of healthful sorrows, was from day to day healed.

Lord, you remain eternal, yet your anger toward us is not endless. You show mercy to us—mere dust and ashes—and it pleased you to reshape my flaws. Through inner promptings, you stirred within me a divine restlessness that could only be calmed when you revealed yourself to my soul. Like a skilled physician working in secret, you reduced my pride, while my clouded mental vision was gradually restored through the healing balm of beneficial suffering.

And Thou, willing first to show me how Thou resistest the proud, but givest grace unto the humble, and by how great an act of Thy mercy Thou hadst traced out to men the way of humility, in that Thy Word was made flesh, and dwelt among men:—Thou procuredst for me, by means of one puffed up with most unnatural pride, certain books of the Platonists, translated from Greek into Latin. And therein I read, not indeed in the very words, but to the very same purpose, enforced by many and divers reasons, that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God: the Same was in the beginning with God: all things were made by Him, and without Him was nothing made: that which was made by Him is life, and the life was the light of men, and the light shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not. And that the soul of man, though it bears witness to the light, yet itself is not that light; but the Word of God, being God, is that true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world. And that He was in the world, and the world was made by Him, and the world knew Him not. But, that He came unto His own, and His own received Him not; but as many as received Him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God, as many as believed in His name; this I read not there.

You wished first to show me how you resist the proud but give grace to the humble. You wished to show me how great an act of your mercy it was to trace out for men the way of humility, in that your Word was made flesh and lived among men. So you got for me, through a man puffed up with most unnatural pride, certain books of the Platonists, translated from Greek into Latin. And in them I read, not in the very words but to the very same effect, and supported by many different reasons, that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him, and without him nothing was made. What was made by him is life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. I read there that the soul of man, though it bears witness to the light, is not itself that light. Rather, the Word of God, being God, is that true light that lights every man who comes into the world. And I read that he was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world did not know him. But I did not read there that he came to his own, and his own did not receive him. Nor did I read there that to as many as received him, as many as believed in his name, he gave power to become the sons of God.

Again I read there, that God the Word was born not of flesh nor of blood, nor of the will of man, nor of the will of the flesh, but of God. But that the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, I read not there. For I traced in those books that it was many and divers ways said, that the Son was in the form of the Father, and thought it not robbery to be equal with God, for that naturally He was the Same Substance. But that He emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men, and found in fashion as a man, humbled Himself, and became obedient unto death, and that the death of the cross: wherefore God exalted Him from the dead, and gave Him a name above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should how, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; and that every tongue should confess that the Lord Jesus Christ is in the glory of God the Father; those books have not. For that before all times and above all times Thy Only-Begotten Son remaineth unchangeable, co-eternal with Thee, and that of His fulness souls receive, that they may be blessed; and that by participation of wisdom abiding in them, they are renewed, so as to be wise, is there. But that in due time He died for the ungodly; and that Thou sparedst not Thine Only Son, but deliveredst Him for us all, is not there. For Thou hiddest these things from the wise, and revealedst them to babes; that they that labour and are heavy laden might come unto Him, and He refresh them, because He is meek and lowly in heart; and the meek He directeth in judgment, and the gentle He teacheth His ways, beholding our lowliness and trouble, and forgiving all our sins. But such as are lifted up in the lofty walk of some would-be sublimer learning, hear not Him, saying, Learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest to your souls. Although they knew God, yet they glorify Him not as God, nor are thankful, but wax vain in their thoughts; and their foolish heart is darkened; professing that they were wise, they became fools.

I read there that God's Word was born not from flesh, blood, or human will, but from God Himself. However, I did not find mention that the Word became flesh and lived among us. While these books spoke in various ways of the Son being equal to the Father in form and substance, they omitted His humbling transformation. They didn't speak of how He took the form of a servant, became human, and submitted Himself to death on the cross. Nor did they tell of how God then raised Him, giving Him a name above all others, so that at Jesus's name every knee should bow—in heaven, on earth, and below—and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ exists in God the Father's glory. These texts acknowledge that Your Son exists eternally with You, unchanged before and above all time. They speak of how souls receive His abundance and find blessing, and how they gain wisdom through participating in His wisdom. But they don't mention His death for sinners, or how You sacrificed Your only Son for everyone's sake. You concealed these truths from the supposedly wise and revealed them to the innocent. You showed how the weary could find rest in Him because of His humble heart. He guides the modest with good judgment and teaches the gentle His ways, seeing our struggles and forgiving our sins. But those who pride themselves on their superior knowledge refuse to hear His invitation: "Learn from Me, for I am humble and gentle in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Though they recognize God, they neither glorify nor thank Him. Instead, their thoughts become meaningless and their foolish hearts darken. While claiming wisdom, they become fools.

And therefore did I read there also, that they had changed the glory of Thy incorruptible nature into idols and divers shapes, into the likeness of the image of corruptible man, and birds, and beasts, and creeping things; namely, into that Egyptian food for which Esau lost his birthright, for that Thy first-born people worshipped the head of a four-footed beast instead of Thee; turning in heart back towards Egypt; and bowing Thy image, their own soul, before the image of a calf that eateth hay. These things found I here, but I fed not on them. For it pleased Thee, O Lord, to take away the reproach of diminution from Jacob, that the elder should serve the younger: and Thou calledst the Gentiles into Thine inheritance. And I had come to Thee from among the Gentiles; and I set my mind upon the gold which Thou willedst Thy people to take from Egypt, seeing Thine it was, wheresoever it were. And to the Athenians Thou saidst by Thy Apostle, that in Thee we live, move, and have our being, as one of their own poets had said. And verily these books came from thence. But I set not my mind on the idols of Egypt, whom they served with Thy gold, who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator.

I also read how they had degraded Your eternal nature into idols of various forms—images of mortal humans, birds, animals, and reptiles. This was like the Egyptian food that caused Esau to lose his birthright, as Your chosen people worshipped a four-legged beast instead of You. They turned their hearts back to Egypt, degrading their souls—Your image within them—by bowing before a hay-eating calf. I found these accounts, but they did not sway me. Instead, You chose to remove Jacob's shame of being the younger son, declaring that the elder would serve the younger, and You welcomed the Gentiles into Your inheritance. I came to You as one of those Gentiles, and I focused on the gold You allowed Your people to take from Egypt, knowing it was Yours wherever it existed. Through Your Apostle, You told the Athenians that in You we live, move, and exist, as even their own poets acknowledged. These teachings indeed came from there. But I did not focus on Egypt's idols, which they served using Your gold, as they twisted God's truth into lies and worshipped creation instead of the Creator.

And being thence admonished to return to myself, I entered even into my inward self, Thou being my Guide: and able I was, for Thou wert become my Helper. And I entered and beheld with the eye of my soul (such as it was), above the same eye of my soul, above my mind, the Light Unchangeable. Not this ordinary light, which all flesh may look upon, nor as it were a greater of the same kind, as though the brightness of this should be manifold brighter, and with its greatness take up all space. Not such was this light, but other, yea, far other from these. Nor was it above my soul, as oil is above water, nor yet as heaven above earth: but above to my soul, because It made me; and I below It, because I was made by It. He that knows the Truth, knows what that Light is; and he that knows It, knows eternity. Love knoweth it. O Truth Who art Eternity! and Love Who art Truth! and Eternity Who art Love! Thou art my God, to Thee do I sigh night and day. Thee when I first knew, Thou liftedst me up, that I might see there was what I might see, and that I was not yet such as to see. And Thou didst beat back the weakness of my sight, streaming forth Thy beams of light upon me most strongly, and I trembled with love and awe: and I perceived myself to be far off from Thee, in the region of unlikeness, as if I heard this Thy voice from on high: "I am the food of grown men, grow, and thou shalt feed upon Me; nor shalt thou convert Me, like the food of thy flesh into thee, but thou shalt be converted into Me." And I learned, that Thou for iniquity chastenest man, and Thou madest my soul to consume away like a spider. And I said, "Is Truth therefore nothing because it is not diffused through space finite or infinite?" And Thou criedst to me from afar: "Yet verily, I AM that I AM." And I heard, as the heart heareth, nor had I room to doubt, and I should sooner doubt that I live than that Truth is not, which is clearly seen, being understood by those things which are made.

Warned by those books to return to myself, I entered into my inmost self, with you as my guide. And I was able to, because you had become my helper. I entered, and with the eye of my soul (such as it was) I saw the Unchangeable Light. It was above that same eye of my soul, above my mind. It was not this ordinary light, which all flesh can look at. Nor was it a greater light of the same kind, as if this light shone many times brighter and filled all space with its greatness. That light was not like this, but other, yes, far other than all these. Nor was it above my soul the way oil floats above water, or the way heaven is above earth. It was above my soul because it made me, and I was below it because I was made by it. Whoever knows the Truth knows what that Light is, and whoever knows it knows eternity. Love knows it. O Truth who are Eternity! And Love who are Truth! And Eternity who are Love! You are my God, and I sigh for you night and day. When I first knew you, you lifted me up, so that I might see that there was something to see, and that I was not yet able to see it. And you beat back the weakness of my sight, pouring your rays on me most powerfully, and I trembled with love and awe. And I found myself far from you, in the region of unlikeness. It was as if I heard your voice from on high: "I am the food of grown men. Grow, and you will feed on me. Nor will you change me into yourself, like the food of your flesh, but you will be changed into me." And I learned that you correct man for sin, and you made my soul waste away like a spider. And I said, "Is Truth then nothing, because it is not spread through space, finite or infinite?" And you cried to me from far away: "Yes, truly, I AM that I AM." And I heard it, as the heart hears, and there was no room left for me to doubt. I would sooner doubt that I live than that Truth exists, which is clearly seen, being understood through the things that are made.

And I beheld the other things below Thee, and I perceived that they neither altogether are, nor altogether are not, for they are, since they are from Thee, but are not, because they are not what Thou art. For that truly is which remains unchangeably. It is good then for me to hold fast unto God; for if I remain not in Him, I cannot in myself; but He remaining in Himself, reneweth all things. And Thou art the Lord my God, since Thou standest not in need of my goodness.

I looked at the other things below you, and I saw that they neither fully are, nor fully are not. They are, since they are from you. But they are not, because they are not what you are. For that truly is which remains unchangeably. So it is good for me to hold fast to God. For if I do not remain in him, I cannot remain in myself. But he, remaining in himself, makes all things new. And you are the Lord my God, since you have no need of my goodness.

And it was manifested unto me, that those things be good which yet are corrupted; which neither were they sovereignly good, nor unless they were good could be corrupted: for if sovereignly good, they were incorruptible, if not good at all, there were nothing in them to be corrupted. For corruption injures, but unless it diminished goodness, it could not injure. Either then corruption injures not, which cannot be; or which is most certain, all which is corrupted is deprived of good. But if they be deprived of all good, they shall cease to be. For if they shall be, and can now no longer be corrupted, they shall be better than before, because they shall abide incorruptibly. And what more monstrous than to affirm things to become better by losing all their good? Therefore, if they shall be deprived of all good, they shall no longer be. So long therefore as they are, they are good: therefore whatsoever is, is good. That evil then which I sought, whence it is, is not any substance: for were it a substance, it should be good. For either it should be an incorruptible substance, and so a chief good: or a corruptible substance; which unless it were good, could not be corrupted. I perceived therefore, and it was manifested to me that Thou madest all things good, nor is there any substance at all, which Thou madest not; and for that Thou madest not all things equal, therefore are all things; because each is good, and altogether very good, because our God made all things very good.

And it was made plain to me that things which are corrupted are still good. They could not be corrupted if they were supremely good, nor could they be corrupted unless they were good. For if they were supremely good, they would be incorruptible. If they were not good at all, there would be nothing in them to corrupt. For corruption harms, but it could not harm unless it reduced goodness. So either corruption does no harm, which cannot be, or, which is most certain, everything that is corrupted is deprived of good. But if they are deprived of all good, they will cease to be. For if they still exist and can no longer be corrupted, they will be better than before, because they will remain incorruptible. And what is more monstrous than to claim that things become better by losing all their good? So if they are deprived of all good, they will no longer exist. Therefore as long as they exist, they are good. Therefore whatever exists is good. So that evil whose source I was seeking is not any substance. For if it were a substance, it would be good. Either it would be an incorruptible substance, and so a supreme good. Or it would be a corruptible substance, which could not be corrupted unless it were good. So I saw, and it was made plain to me, that you made all things good, and that there is no substance at all that you did not make. And since you did not make all things equal, therefore all things exist. For each is good, and all together are very good, because our God made all things very good.

And to Thee is nothing whatsoever evil: yea, not only to Thee, but also to Thy creation as a whole, because there is nothing without, which may break in, and corrupt that order which Thou hast appointed it. But in the parts thereof some things, because unharmonising with other some, are accounted evil: whereas those very things harmonise with others, and are good; and in themselves are good. And all these things which harmonise not together, do yet with the inferior part, which we call Earth, having its own cloudy and windy sky harmonising with it. Far be it then that I should say, "These things should not be": for should I see nought but these, I should indeed long for the better; but still must even for these alone praise Thee; for that Thou art to be praised, do show from the earth, dragons, and all deeps, fire, hail, snow, ice, and stormy wind, which fulfil Thy word; mountains, and all hills, fruitful trees, and all cedars; beasts, and all cattle, creeping things, and flying fowls; kings of the earth, and all people, princes, and all judges of the earth; young men and maidens, old men and young, praise Thy Name. But when, from heaven, these praise Thee, praise Thee, our God, in the heights all Thy angels, all Thy hosts, sun and moon, all the stars and light, the Heaven of heavens, and the waters that be above the heavens, praise Thy Name; I did not now long for things better, because I conceived of all: and with a sounder judgment I apprehended that the things above were better than these below, but altogether better than those above by themselves.

Nothing is truly evil to You, or even to Your creation as a whole, since nothing external can break in and corrupt the order You have established. In certain parts, some things appear evil because they conflict with others, yet these same things harmonize with different elements and are inherently good. Things that seem discordant still find harmony with the Earth below, with its cloudy and stormy skies. I shouldn't say "These things shouldn't exist." Even if these were all I could see, I would wish for better things but would still praise You for these alone. For You deserve praise, as shown by all earthly things: dragons and ocean depths, fire and hail, snow and ice, storm winds that follow Your command; mountains and hills, fruit trees and cedars; animals and livestock, crawling creatures and birds; earthly kings and all peoples, princes and judges; young men and women, the old and young—all praise Your Name. And when the heavenly bodies praise You—our God in the heights, all Your angels, Your armies, sun and moon, stars and light, the highest heavens and the waters above—I no longer yearn for better things, having understood the whole picture. With clearer judgment, I saw that while the things above were better than those below, everything together was better than the heavenly things alone.

There is no soundness in them, whom aught of Thy creation displeaseth: as neither in me, when much which Thou hast made, displeased me. And because my soul durst not be displeased at my God, it would fain not account that Thine, which displeased it. Hence it had gone into the opinion of two substances, and had no rest, but talked idly. And returning thence, it had made to itself a God, through infinite measures of all space; and thought it to be Thee, and placed it in its heart; and had again become the temple of its own idol, to Thee abominable. But after Thou hadst soothed my head, unknown to me, and closed mine eyes that they should not behold vanity, I ceased somewhat of my former self, and my frenzy was lulled to sleep; and I awoke in Thee, and saw Thee infinite, but in another way, and this sight was not derived from the flesh.

There is no soundness in those who are displeased with anything you have created. There was none in me either, when much that you made displeased me. And because my soul did not dare to be displeased with my God, it preferred not to count as yours whatever displeased it. So it had gone off into the opinion of two substances, and found no rest, but talked idly. And coming back from there, it had made itself a God spread through the infinite measures of all space. It thought this was you and set it in its heart. And once again it had become the temple of its own idol, which was abominable to you. But afterward you soothed my head, without my knowing it, and closed my eyes so that they would not look at vanity. Then I ceased a little from my former self, and my madness was lulled to sleep. And I woke up in you, and saw you infinite, but in another way. And this sight did not come from the flesh.

And I looked back on other things; and I saw that they owed their being to Thee; and were all bounded in Thee: but in a different way; not as being in space; but because Thou containest all things in Thine hand in Thy Truth; and all things are true so far as they nor is there any falsehood, unless when that is thought to be, which is not. And I saw that all things did harmonise, not with their places only, but with their seasons. And that Thou, who only art Eternal, didst not begin to work after innumerable spaces of times spent; for that all spaces of times, both which have passed, and which shall pass, neither go nor come, but through Thee, working and abiding.

I looked back and saw that everything owed its existence to You and was contained within You—not in a physical space, but because You hold all things in Your hand of Truth. All things are true to the extent they exist, and falsehood only occurs when we believe something exists that does not. I saw how everything harmonized, not just in their physical places but also in their proper times. And You, being the only Eternal One, did not begin creating after countless ages had passed. Rather, all periods of time—past and future—flow only through You, as You continue working while remaining unchanging.

And I perceived and found it nothing strange, that bread which is pleasant to a healthy palate is loathsome to one distempered: and to sore eyes light is offensive, which to the sound is delightful. And Thy righteousness displeaseth the wicked; much more the viper and reptiles, which Thou hast created good, fitting in with the inferior portions of Thy Creation, with which the very wicked also fit in; and that the more, by how much they be unlike Thee; but with the superior creatures, by how much they become more like to Thee. And I enquired what iniquity was, and found it to be no substance, but the perversion of the will, turned aside from Thee, O God, the Supreme, towards these lower things, and casting out its bowels, and puffed up outwardly.

I perceived, and found it nothing strange, that bread which is pleasant to a healthy palate is loathsome to a sick one. And light is painful to sore eyes, though it delights sound ones. And your righteousness displeases the wicked. Much more, then, do the viper and the reptile displease, though you created them good, fitting in with the lower parts of your creation. The wicked themselves also fit in with these lower parts, and the more so the more unlike you they are. But they fit in with the higher creatures the more they become like you. And I asked what iniquity was. I found that it is no substance at all, but the perversion of the will, turned aside from you, O God, the Supreme, toward these lower things. It casts away its own inner parts and is puffed up outwardly.

And I wondered that I now loved Thee, and no phantasm for Thee. And yet did I not press on to enjoy my God; but was borne up to Thee by Thy beauty, and soon borne down from Thee by mine own weight, sinking with sorrow into these inferior things. This weight was carnal custom. Yet dwelt there with me a remembrance of Thee; nor did I any way doubt that there was One to whom I might cleave, but that I was not yet such as to cleave to Thee: for that the body which is corrupted presseth down the soul, and the earthly tabernacle weigheth down the mind that museth upon many things. And most certain I was, that Thy invisible works from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even Thy eternal power and Godhead. For examining whence it was that I admired the beauty of bodies celestial or terrestrial; and what aided me in judging soundly on things mutable, and pronouncing, "This ought to be thus, this not"; examining, I say, whence it was that I so judged, seeing I did so judge, I had found the unchangeable and true Eternity of Truth above my changeable mind. And thus by degrees I passed from bodies to the soul, which through the bodily senses perceives; and thence to its inward faculty, to which the bodily senses represent things external, whitherto reach the faculties of beasts; and thence again to the reasoning faculty, to which what is received from the senses of the body, is referred to be judged. Which finding itself also to be in me a thing variable, raised itself up to its own understanding, and drew away my thoughts from the power of habit, withdrawing itself from those troops of contradictory phantasms; that so it might find what that light was whereby it was bedewed, when, without all doubting, it cried out, "That the unchangeable was to be preferred to the changeable"; whence also it knew That Unchangeable, which, unless it had in some way known, it had had no sure ground to prefer it to the changeable. And thus with the flash of one trembling glance it arrived at THAT WHICH IS. And then I saw Thy invisible things understood by the things which are made. But I could not fix my gaze thereon; and my infirmity being struck back, I was thrown again on my wonted habits, carrying along with me only a loving memory thereof, and a longing for what I had, as it were, perceived the odour of, but was not yet able to feed on.

I was amazed that I now loved you, and not some phantasm in place of you. Yet I did not press on to enjoy my God. Your beauty carried me up to you, but soon my own weight dragged me down from you, and I sank with sorrow into these lower things. This weight was the habit of the flesh. Yet a memory of you stayed with me. I did not doubt at all that there was One I might cling to. But I was not yet the kind of person who could cling to you. For the body, which is corrupted, presses down the soul, and the earthly dwelling weighs down the mind that thinks on many things. And I was completely certain that your invisible things are clearly seen from the creation of the world, being understood through the things that are made, even your eternal power and Godhead. I asked myself why I admired the beauty of bodies, whether in the heavens or on earth. I asked what helped me judge soundly about changeable things, and declare, "This ought to be so, this not." I examined, I say, how I came to judge this way, since I did judge this way. And I found the unchangeable and true Eternity of Truth above my changeable mind. So step by step I passed from bodies to the soul, which perceives through the bodily senses. From there I passed to the soul's inner faculty, to which the bodily senses report outward things. The powers of animals reach this far. From there I passed again to the reasoning faculty, which judges what the bodily senses receive. This faculty also found that it was changeable in me. So it raised itself up to its own understanding. It drew my thoughts away from the power of habit, and pulled itself away from those crowds of contradictory phantasms. It did this to find what light had been shed on it when it cried out, without any doubt, "The unchangeable is to be preferred to the changeable." From this it also knew the Unchangeable itself. Unless it had known the Unchangeable in some way, it would have had no sure ground for preferring it to the changeable. And so, in the flash of one trembling glance, it arrived at THAT WHICH IS. Then I saw your invisible things, understood through the things that are made. But I could not fix my gaze on them. My weakness was struck back, and I was thrown again on my usual habits. I carried with me only a loving memory of it, and a longing for something I had, as it were, smelled, but was not yet able to eat.

Then I sought a way of obtaining strength sufficient to enjoy Thee; and found it not, until I embraced that Mediator betwixt God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who is over all, God blessed for evermore, calling unto me, and saying, I am the way, the truth, and the life, and mingling that food which I was unable to receive, with our flesh. For, the Word was made flesh, that Thy wisdom, whereby Thou createdst all things, might provide milk for our infant state. For I did not hold to my Lord Jesus Christ, I, humbled, to the Humble; nor knew I yet whereto His infirmity would guide us. For Thy Word, the Eternal Truth, far above the higher parts of Thy Creation, raises up the subdued unto Itself: but in this lower world built for Itself a lowly habitation of our clay, whereby to abase from themselves such as would be subdued, and bring them over to Himself; allaying their swelling, and fomenting their love; to the end they might go on no further in self-confidence, but rather consent to become weak, seeing before their feet the Divinity weak by taking our coats of skin; and wearied, might cast themselves down upon It, and It rising, might lift them up.

Then I looked for a way to gain the strength I needed to enjoy you. I did not find it until I embraced that Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who is over all, God blessed forever. He was calling to me and saying, I am the way, the truth, and the life. He mixed with our flesh that food which I was unable to receive. For the Word was made flesh, so that your wisdom, by which you created all things, might provide milk for us in our infancy. For I was not yet humble, and so I did not hold on to my Lord Jesus Christ, who is humble. Nor did I yet know where his weakness was meant to lead us. For your Word, the Eternal Truth, is far above the higher parts of your creation, and it raises up to itself those who submit. But in this lower world it built itself a humble dwelling from our clay. By this it would bring down from themselves those who were to be made subject, and bring them over to himself. It would reduce their swelling pride and nourish their love. Its purpose was that they would go no further in self-confidence, but would rather agree to become weak. For they would see at their feet the Godhead made weak by taking on our coats of skin. Then, weary, they would throw themselves down on it, and it would rise and lift them up.

But I thought otherwise; conceiving only of my Lord Christ as of a man of excellent wisdom, whom no one could be equalled unto; especially, for that being wonderfully born of a Virgin, He seemed, in conformity therewith, through the Divine care for us, to have attained that great eminence of authority, for an ensample of despising things temporal for the obtaining of immortality. But what mystery there lay in "The Word was made flesh," I could not even imagine. Only I had learnt out of what is delivered to us in writing of Him that He did eat, and drink, sleep, walk, rejoiced in spirit, was sorrowful, discoursed; that flesh did not cleave by itself unto Thy Word, but with the human soul and mind. All know this who know the unchangeableness of Thy Word, which I now knew, as far as I could, nor did I at all doubt thereof. For, now to move the limbs of the body by will, now not, now to be moved by some affection, now not, now to deliver wise sayings through human signs, now to keep silence, belong to soul and mind subject to variation. And should these things be falsely written of Him, all the rest also would risk the charge, nor would there remain in those books any saving faith for mankind. Since then they were written truly, I acknowledged a perfect man to be in Christ; not the body of a man only, nor, with the body, a sensitive soul without a rational, but very man; whom, not only as being a form of Truth, but for a certain great excellence of human nature and a more perfect participation of wisdom, I judged to be preferred before others. But Alypius imagined the Catholics to believe God to be so clothed with flesh, that besides God and flesh, there was no soul at all in Christ, and did not think that a human mind was ascribed to Him. And because he was well persuaded that the actions recorded of Him could only be performed by a vital and a rational creature, he moved the more slowly towards the Christian Faith. But understanding afterwards that this was the error of the Apollinarian heretics, he joyed in and was conformed to the Catholic Faith. But somewhat later, I confess, did I learn how in that saying, The Word was made flesh, the Catholic truth is distinguished from the falsehood of Photinus. For the rejection of heretics makes the tenets of Thy Church and sound doctrine to stand out more clearly. For there must also be heresies, that the approved may be made manifest among the weak.

I considered Jesus differently back then. I viewed him as a man of extraordinary wisdom without equal—especially since his miraculous virgin birth seemed to demonstrate divine intervention, elevating him as an example of choosing eternal life over worldly attachments. However, I couldn't grasp the deeper meaning of "The Word was made flesh." I only understood the basic human aspects described in scripture: that he ate, drank, slept, walked, felt joy and sorrow, and engaged in conversation. I realized these actions required not just a physical body joined to God's Word, but also a human soul and mind. Anyone who understands the unchanging nature of God's Word knows this, as I did then, however imperfectly. After all, distinctly human traits—controlling body movements at will, experiencing changing emotions, speaking wisdom through human language, choosing when to remain silent—all require a soul and mind capable of change. If these accounts of Jesus were false, it would cast doubt on everything else in scripture, destroying its saving power for humanity. Since I accepted these accounts as true, I recognized Christ as fully human—not just a body, nor a body with basic animal instincts, but a complete person. I considered him superior to others, not just as an embodiment of Truth, but for his exceptional human nature and profound wisdom. Meanwhile, Alypius misunderstood Catholic teaching. He thought Catholics believed Christ was simply God wrapped in flesh, without a human soul. Since he was convinced Christ's recorded actions required both consciousness and reason, this misunderstanding slowed his acceptance of Christianity. When he later learned this was actually the Apollinarian heresy, he gladly embraced Catholic teaching. It took me even longer to understand how the phrase "The Word was made flesh" distinguished Catholic truth from Photinus's false teaching. Heresies actually serve a purpose—they help highlight true Church doctrine more clearly. As scripture says, "There must be heresies so that the faithful may be recognized among the weak."

But having then read those books of the Platonists, and thence been taught to search for incorporeal truth, I saw Thy invisible things, understood by those things which are made; and though cast back, I perceived what that was which through the darkness of my mind I was hindered from contemplating, being assured "That Thou wert, and wert infinite, and yet not diffused in space, finite or infinite; and that Thou truly art Who art the same ever, in no part nor motion varying; and that all other things are from Thee, on this most sure ground alone, that they are." Of these things I was assured, yet too unsure to enjoy Thee. I prated as one well skilled; but had I not sought Thy way in Christ our Saviour, I had proved to be, not skilled, but killed. For now I had begun to wish to seem wise, being filled with mine own punishment, yet I did not mourn, but rather scorn, puffed up with knowledge. For where was that charity building upon the foundation of humility, which is Christ Jesus? or when should these books teach me it? Upon these, I believe, Thou therefore willedst that I should fall, before I studied Thy Scriptures, that it might be imprinted on my memory how I was affected by them; and that afterwards when my spirits were tamed through Thy books, and my wounds touched by Thy healing fingers, I might discern and distinguish between presumption and confession; between those who saw whither they were to go, yet saw not the way, and the way that leadeth not to behold only but to dwell in the beatific country. For had I first been formed in Thy Holy Scriptures, and hadst Thou in the familiar use of them grown sweet unto me, and had I then fallen upon those other volumes, they might perhaps have withdrawn me from the solid ground of piety, or, had I continued in that healthful frame which I had thence imbibed, I might have thought that it might have been obtained by the study of those books alone.

But at that time I had read those books of the Platonists, and they had taught me to seek a truth that is not bodily. So I saw your invisible things, understood through the things that are made. Though I was thrown back, I perceived what the darkness of my mind kept me from contemplating. I was sure of this: "You were, and you were infinite, yet not spread through space, whether finite or infinite. You truly are, the One who is always the same, varying in no part and in no motion. And all other things are from you, and the one most certain proof of this is simply that they exist." I was sure of these things, yet too unsure to enjoy you. I chattered away like an expert. But if I had not sought your way in Christ our Savior, I would have proved to be not skilled, but killed. For I had now begun to want to seem wise. I was full of my own punishment, yet I did not weep. Instead I scorned, puffed up with knowledge. For where was that love which builds on the foundation of humility, which is Christ Jesus? And when would those books ever teach me it? I believe this is why you willed that I should come upon these books before I studied your Scriptures. You wanted it pressed into my memory how they affected me. Then later, when your books had tamed my spirit and your healing fingers had touched my wounds, I would be able to tell presumption from confession. I would see the difference between those who saw where they were to go but did not see the way, and the way that leads not only to seeing the blessed country but to living in it. For suppose I had first been formed by your Holy Scriptures, and you had grown sweet to me through my familiar use of them. If I had then come upon those other books, they might perhaps have pulled me away from the solid ground of piety. Or, if I had kept the healthy state of mind I had drawn from Scripture, I might have thought that it could have been gained from the study of those books alone.

Most eagerly then did I seize that venerable writing of Thy Spirit; and chiefly the Apostle Paul. Whereupon those difficulties vanished away, wherein he once seemed to me to contradict himself, and the text of his discourse not to agree with the testimonies of the Law and the Prophets. And the face of that pure word appeared to me one and the same; and I learned to rejoice with trembling. So I began; and whatsoever truth I had read in those other books, I found here amid the praise of Thy Grace; that whoso sees, may not so glory as if he had not received, not only what he sees, but also that he sees (for what hath he, which he hath not received?), and that he may be not only admonished to behold Thee, who art ever the same, but also healed, to hold Thee; and that he who cannot see afar off, may yet walk on the way, whereby he may arrive, and behold, and hold Thee. For, though a man be delighted with the law of God after the inner man, what shall he do with that other law in his members which warreth against the law of his mind, and bringeth him into captivity to the law of sin which is in his members? For, Thou art righteous, O Lord, but we have sinned and committed iniquity, and have done wickedly, and Thy hand is grown heavy upon us, and we are justly delivered over unto that ancient sinner, the king of death; because he persuaded our will to be like his will whereby he abode not in Thy truth. What shall wretched man do? who shall deliver him from the body of his death, but only Thy Grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord, whom Thou hast begotten co-eternal, and formedst in the beginning of Thy ways, in whom the prince of this world found nothing worthy of death, yet killed he Him; and the handwriting, which was contrary to us, was blotted out? This those writings contain not. Those pages present not the image of this piety, the tears of confession, Thy sacrifice, a troubled spirit, a broken and a contrite heart, the salvation of the people, the Bridal City, the earnest of the Holy Ghost, the Cup of our Redemption. No man sings there, Shall not my soul be submitted unto God? for of Him cometh my salvation. For He is my God and my salvation, my guardian, I shall no more be moved. No one there hears Him call, Come unto Me, all ye that labour. They scorn to learn of Him, because He is meek and lowly in heart; for these things hast Thou hid from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. For it is one thing, from the mountain's shaggy top to see the land of peace, and to find no way thither; and in vain to essay through ways unpassable, opposed and beset by fugitives and deserters, under their captain the lion and the dragon: and another to keep on the way that leads thither, guarded by the host of the heavenly General; where they spoil not who have deserted the heavenly army; for they avoid it, as very torment. These things did wonderfully sink into my bowels, when I read that least of Thy Apostles, and had meditated upon Thy works, and trembled exceedingly.

So I seized most eagerly on that holy writing of your Spirit, and above all on the Apostle Paul. Then those difficulties vanished. Paul had once seemed to me to contradict himself, and the text of his teaching had seemed not to agree with the witness of the Law and the Prophets. Now the face of that pure word appeared to me as one and the same, and I learned to rejoice with trembling. So I began. Whatever truth I had read in those other books, I found here, joined with the praise of your grace. Here the one who sees must not boast as if he had not received. He has received not only what he sees, but also the very power to see it (for what does he have that he has not received?). He is not only urged to see you, who are always the same, but also healed so that he may hold you. And the one who cannot see from far off may still walk on the way by which he may arrive, and see, and hold you. For though a man delights in the law of God in his inner self, what will he do with that other law in his members? It wars against the law of his mind, and brings him captive to the law of sin that is in his members. For you are righteous, O Lord, but we have sinned and done wrong and acted wickedly, and your hand has grown heavy on us. We are justly handed over to that ancient sinner, the king of death, because he persuaded our will to be like his own will, by which he did not remain in your truth. What will wretched man do? Who will deliver him from the body of his death, but only your grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord? You begot him co-eternal with you, and formed him at the beginning of your ways. The prince of this world found nothing in him that deserved death, yet he killed him. And the written record that stood against us was wiped out. Those writings of the Platonists do not contain this. Those pages do not show the face of this piety: the tears of confession, your sacrifice, a troubled spirit, a broken and contrite heart, the salvation of the people, the Bridal City, the pledge of the Holy Spirit, the Cup of our Redemption. No one there sings, Shall not my soul be subject to God? For from him comes my salvation. For he is my God and my salvation, my guardian, I shall be moved no more. No one there hears him call, Come to me, all you who labor. They scorn to learn from him, because he is gentle and humble in heart. For you have hidden these things from the wise and prudent, and revealed them to little children. For it is one thing to see the land of peace from a wild, wooded mountaintop, and to find no way there. It is one thing to try in vain to get there through trackless ways, opposed and ambushed by runaways and deserters under their captain, the lion and the dragon. It is another thing to keep to the way that leads there, guarded by the army of the heavenly General. There those who have deserted the heavenly army do not rob travelers, for they avoid that way like torture itself. These things sank wonderfully deep into my inmost being when I read that least of your Apostles, and meditated on your works, and trembled greatly.