Chapter 1

HIS MILITARY LIFE—HE IS WOUNDED AT THE SIEGE OF PAMPELUNA—HIS CURE—SPIRITUAL READING—THE APPARITION—THE GIFT OF CHASTITY—HIS LONGING FOR THE JOURNEY TO JERUSALEM AND FOR A HOLIER LIFE

HIS MILITARY LIFE. HE IS WOUNDED AT THE SIEGE OF PAMPELUNA. HIS RECOVERY. SPIRITUAL READING. THE APPARITION. THE GIFT OF CHASTITY. HIS LONGING TO JOURNEY TO JERUSALEM AND LIVE A HOLIER LIFE.

Up to his twenty-sixth year the heart of Ignatius was enthralled by the vanities of the world. His special delight was in the military life, and he seemed led by a strong and empty desire of gaining for himself a great name. The citadel of Pampeluna was held in siege by the French. All the other soldiers were unanimous in wishing to surrender on condition of freedom to leave, since it was impossible to hold out any longer; but Ignatius so persuaded the commander, that, against the views of all the other nobles, he decided to hold the citadel against the enemy.

Until he was twenty-six, Ignatius was captivated by the vanities of the world. He especially delighted in military life and seemed driven by a strong but empty desire to win great fame. The French had laid siege to the citadel of Pampeluna. All the other soldiers wanted to surrender, on condition that they could leave freely. They agreed that they could not hold out any longer. But Ignatius persuaded the commander to defend the citadel against the enemy, despite the opposition of all the other nobles.

When the day of assault came, Ignatius made his confession to one of the nobles, his companion in arms. The soldier also made his to Ignatius. After the walls were destroyed, Ignatius stood fighting bravely until a cannon ball of the enemy broke one of his legs and seriously injured the other.

On the day of the assault, Ignatius confessed to a nobleman who fought alongside him. The soldier also confessed to Ignatius. After the walls were destroyed, Ignatius fought bravely until an enemy cannonball broke one of his legs and seriously injured the other.

When he fell, the citadel was surrendered. When the French took possession of the town, they showed great admiration for Ignatius. After twelve or fifteen days at Pampeluna, where he received the best care from the physicians of the French army, he was borne on a litter to Loyola. His recovery was very slow, and doctors and surgeons were summoned from all parts for a consultation. They decided that the leg should be broken again, that the bones, which had knit badly, might be properly reset; for they had not been properly set in the beginning, or else had been so jostled on the journey that a cure was impossible. He submitted to have his flesh cut again. During the operation, as in all he suffered before and after, he uttered no word and gave no sign of suffering save that of tightly clenching his fists.

When he fell, the citadel surrendered. After the French took the town, they showed great admiration for Ignatius. He spent twelve or fifteen days at Pampeluna, receiving the best care from French army doctors. Then he was carried on a litter to Loyola. His recovery was very slow, and doctors and surgeons came from all over to consult on his case. They decided to break his leg again so they could properly reset the bones, which had healed badly. The bones had either been set incorrectly at first or jostled so much during the journey that they could not heal properly. He agreed to have his flesh cut again. During the operation, as in all he suffered before and after, he said nothing and showed no sign of pain except by tightly clenching his fists.

In the meantime his strength was failing. He could take no food, and showed other symptoms of approaching death. On the feast of St. John the doctors gave up hope of his recovery, and he was advised to make his confession. Having received the sacraments on the eve of the feasts of Sts. Peter and Paul, toward evening the doctors said that if by the middle of the night there were no change for the better, he would surely die. He had great devotion to St. Peter, and it so happened by the goodness of God that in the middle of the night he began to grow better.

Meanwhile, his strength was failing. He could eat nothing and showed other signs that death was near. On the feast of St. John, the doctors gave up hope that he would recover. He was advised to confess. He received the sacraments on the eve of the feast of Sts. Peter and Paul. Toward evening, the doctors said he would surely die unless he improved by midnight. He was deeply devoted to St. Peter, and by the goodness of God, he began to improve at midnight.

His recovery was so rapid that in a few days he was out of danger. As the bones of his leg settled and pressed upon each other, one bone protruded below the knee. The result was that one leg was shorter than the other, and the bone causing a lump there, made the leg seem quite deformed. As he could not bear this, since he intended to live a life at court, he asked the doctors whether the bone could be cut away. They replied that it could, but it would cause him more suffering than all that had preceded, as everything was healed, and they would need space in order to cut it. He determined, however, to undergo this torture.

He recovered so quickly that within a few days he was out of danger. As the bones in his leg settled and pressed against each other, one bone stuck out below his knee. As a result, one leg was shorter than the other. The protruding bone also caused a lump that made his leg look badly deformed. He could not bear this, since he intended to live at court. So he asked the doctors whether they could cut away the bone. They said they could, but it would cause him more pain than everything he had already endured. The leg had healed, and they would need room to cut the bone. Still, he decided to undergo this torture.

His elder brother looked on with astonishment and admiration. He said he could never have had the fortitude to suffer the pain which the sick man bore with his usual patience. When the flesh and the bone that protruded were cut away, means were taken to prevent the leg from becoming shorter than the other. For this purpose, in spite of sharp and constant pain, the leg was kept stretched for many days. Finally the Lord gave him health. He came out of the danger safe and strong with the exception that he could not easily stand on his leg, but was forced to lie in bed.

His older brother watched with amazement and admiration. He said he could never have endured the pain that the sick man bore with his usual patience. After the protruding flesh and bone were cut away, steps were taken to keep the leg from becoming shorter than the other. To prevent this, the leg was kept stretched for many days, despite the sharp, constant pain. Finally, the Lord restored his health. He was out of danger and strong again, but he could not easily stand on his leg and had to stay in bed.

As Ignatius had a love for fiction, when he found himself out of danger he asked for some romances to pass away the time. In that house there was no book of the kind. They gave him, instead, "The Life of Christ," by Rudolph, the Carthusian, and another book called the "Flowers of the Saints," both in Spanish. By frequent reading of these books he began to get some love for spiritual things. This reading led his mind to meditate on holy things, yet sometimes it wandered to thoughts which he had been accustomed to dwell upon before.

Ignatius loved fiction, so once he was out of danger, he asked for some romances to pass the time. But there were no such books in the house. Instead, he was given "The Life of Christ," by Rudolph, the Carthusian, and another book called the "Flowers of the Saints." Both were in Spanish. As he read these books often, he began to develop some love for spiritual things. His reading led him to reflect on holy things. But sometimes his mind wandered to the thoughts he had often dwelt on before.

Among these there was one thought which, above the others, so filled his heart that he became, as it were, immersed and absorbed in it. Unconsciously, it engaged his attention for three and four hours at a time. He pictured to himself what he should do in honor of an illustrious lady, how he should journey to the city where she was, in what words he would address her, and what bright and pleasant sayings he would make use of, what manner of warlike exploits he should perform to please her. He was so carried away by this thought that he did not even perceive how far beyond his power it was to do what he proposed, for she was a lady exceedingly illustrious and of the highest nobility.

Among these thoughts, one filled his heart more than all the others, and he became, as it were, immersed in it. Without realizing it, he spent three or four hours at a time thinking about it. He imagined what he might do to honor an illustrious lady. He pictured himself traveling to the city where she lived and imagined how he would address her. He thought of the clever and pleasant things he would say, and the feats of arms he would perform to please her. He was so carried away by this thought that he did not notice how far beyond his power his plans were. For she was an exceedingly illustrious lady of the highest nobility.

In the meantime the divine mercy was at work substituting for these thoughts others suggested by his recent readings. While perusing the life of Our Lord and the saints, he began to reflect, saying to himself: "What if I should do what St. Francis did?" "What if I should act like St. Dominic?" He pondered over these things in his mind, and kept continually proposing to himself serious and difficult things. He seemed to feel a certain readiness for doing them, with no other reason except this thought: "St. Dominic did this; I, too, will do it." "St. Francis did this; therefore I will do it." These heroic resolutions remained for a time, and then other vain and worldly thoughts followed. This succession of thoughts occupied him for a long while, those about God alternating with those about the world. But in these thoughts there was this difference. When he thought of worldly things it gave him great pleasure, but afterward he found himself dry and sad. But when he thought of journeying to Jerusalem, and of living only on herbs, and practising austerities, he found pleasure not only while thinking of them, but also when he had ceased.

Meanwhile, divine mercy was replacing these thoughts with others inspired by his recent reading. As he read about the life of Our Lord and the saints, he began to ask himself: "What if I did what St. Francis did?" "What if I acted like St. Dominic?" He thought about these things and kept setting himself serious and difficult tasks. He seemed ready to undertake them for no other reason than this thought: "St. Dominic did this; I will do it too." "St. Francis did this; therefore I will do it." These heroic resolutions stayed with him for a while. Then other vain and worldly thoughts followed. This succession of thoughts occupied him for a long time. His thoughts about God alternated with thoughts about the world. But there was a difference between them. Thinking about worldly things gave him great pleasure, but afterward he felt empty and sad. He also found pleasure in thinking about traveling to Jerusalem, living only on herbs, and practicing austerities. But this pleasure remained even after he stopped thinking about those things.

This difference he did not notice or value, until one day the eyes of his soul were opened and he began to inquire the reason of the difference. He learned by experience that one train of thought left him sad, the other joyful. This was his first reasoning on spiritual matters. Afterward, when he began the Spiritual Exercises, he was enlightened, and understood what he afterward taught his children about the discernment of spirits. When gradually he recognized the different spirits by which he was moved, one, the spirit of God, the other, the devil, and when he had gained no little spiritual light from the reading of pious books, he began to think more seriously of his past life, and how much penance he should do to expiate his past sins.

He did not notice or appreciate this difference until one day, when the eyes of his soul were opened. Then he began to ask why the thoughts affected him differently. He learned from experience that one train of thought left him sad and the other left him joyful. This was his first reflection on spiritual matters. Later, when he began the Spiritual Exercises, he gained insight and understood what he would later teach his children about the discernment of spirits. Gradually, he recognized the different spirits that moved him: one was the spirit of God, the other was the devil. He also gained considerable spiritual insight from reading pious books. He then began to think more seriously about his past life and how much penance he should do to atone for his past sins.

Amid these thoughts the holy wish to imitate saintly men came to his mind; his resolve was not more definite than to promise with the help of divine grace that what they had done he also would do. After his recovery his one wish was to make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. He fasted frequently and scourged himself to satisfy the desire of penance that ruled in a soul filled with the spirit of God.

As he thought about these things, he felt a holy desire to imitate saintly men. His resolve went no further than a promise to do what they had done, with the help of divine grace. After he recovered, his only wish was to make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. His soul was filled with the spirit of God, and a desire to do penance ruled him. To satisfy this desire, he often fasted and whipped himself.

The vain thoughts were gradually lessened by means of these desires—desires that were not a little strengthened by the following vision. While watching one night he plainly saw the image of the Blessed Mother of God with the Infant Jesus, at the sight of which, for a considerable time, he received abundant consolation, and felt such contrition for his past life that he thought of nothing else. From that time until August, 1555, when this was written, he never felt the least motion of concupiscence. This privilege we may suppose from this fact to have been a divine gift, although we dare not state it, nor say anything except confirm what has been already said. His brother and all in the house recognized from what appeared externally how great a change had taken place in his soul.

These desires gradually reduced his vain thoughts. They were strengthened considerably by the following vision. One night, while he was awake, he clearly saw the Blessed Mother of God with the Infant Jesus. The sight brought him deep comfort for a considerable time. He also felt such sorrow for his past life that he could think of nothing else. From then until August 1555, when this was written, he never felt the slightest movement of concupiscence. From this fact, we may suppose that this privilege was a divine gift. But we dare not say so, or say anything beyond confirming what has already been said. His brother and everyone in the house saw from his outward behavior how great a change had taken place in his soul.

He continued his reading meanwhile, and kept the holy resolution he had made. At home his conversation was wholly devoted to divine things, and helped much to the spiritual advancement of others.

Meanwhile, he continued reading and kept the holy resolve he had made. At home, he spoke only about spiritual matters. His conversations greatly helped others grow spiritually.