Gotama

In the town of Savathi, every child knew the name of the exalted Buddha, and every house was prepared to fill the alms-dish of Gotama’s disciples, the silently begging ones. Near the town was Gotama’s favourite place to stay, the grove of Jetavana, which the rich merchant Anathapindika, an obedient worshipper of the exalted one, had given him and his people for a gift.

In the town of Savathi, every child knew the name of the revered Buddha. Every household was ready to fill the alms bowls of Gotama’s disciples, who begged in silence. Near the town was Gotama’s favorite place to stay, the grove of Jetavana. The wealthy merchant Anathapindika, a devoted follower of the Buddha, had given the grove to Gotama and his followers.

All tales and answers, which the two young ascetics had received in their search for Gotama’s abode, had pointed them towards this area. And arriving at Savathi, in the very first house, before the door of which they stopped to beg, food has been offered to them, and they accepted the food, and Siddhartha asked the woman, who handed them the food:

All the stories and answers the two young ascetics had heard while searching for Gotama’s dwelling had led them to this area. When they arrived in Savathi, they stopped to beg at the first house they came to. A woman offered them food, and they accepted it. Siddhartha asked her:

“We would like to know, oh charitable one, where the Buddha dwells, the most venerable one, for we are two Samanas from the forest and have come, to see him, the perfected one, and to hear the teachings from his mouth.”

“Kind one, we would like to know where the most venerable Buddha lives. We are two Samanas from the forest, and we have come to see the perfected one and hear his teachings.”

Quoth the woman: “Here, you have truly come to the right place, you Samanas from the forest. You should know, in Jetavana, in the garden of Anathapindika is where the exalted one dwells. There you pilgrims shall spend the night, for there is enough space for the innumerable, who flock here, to hear the teachings from his mouth.”

The woman said: “You Samanas from the forest have indeed come to the right place. The exalted one lives in Jetavana, in the garden of Anathapindika. You pilgrims can spend the night there. There is enough room for the countless people who come to hear him teach.”

This made Govinda happy, and full of joy he exclaimed: “Well so, thus we have reached our destination, and our path has come to an end! But tell us, oh mother of the pilgrims, do you know him, the Buddha, have you seen him with your own eyes?”

This made Govinda happy, and he exclaimed with joy: “So we have reached our destination, and our journey is over! But tell us, mother of the pilgrims, do you know the Buddha? Have you seen him with your own eyes?”

Quoth the woman: “Many times I have seen him, the exalted one. On many days, I have seen him, walking through the alleys in silence, wearing his yellow cloak, presenting his alms-dish in silence at the doors of the houses, leaving with a filled dish.”

The woman said: “I have seen the exalted one many times. On many days, I have seen him walk silently through the alleys in his yellow cloak. At the doors of the houses, he silently held out his alms bowl and left with it full.”

Delightedly, Govinda listened and wanted to ask and hear much more. But Siddhartha urged him to walk on. They thanked and left and hardly had to ask for directions, for rather many pilgrims and monks as well from Gotama’s community were on their way to the Jetavana. And since they reached it at night, there were constant arrivals, shouts, and talk of those who sought shelter and got it. The two Samanas, accustomed to life in the forest, found quickly and without making any noise a place to stay and rested there until the morning.

Govinda listened with delight and wanted to ask and hear much more. But Siddhartha urged him to keep walking. They gave thanks and left. They hardly needed to ask for directions, since many pilgrims and monks from Gotama’s community were also heading to the Jetavana. They reached it at night, while people were still arriving. People shouted and talked as they looked for shelter and found it. The two Samanas were used to life in the forest. They quickly and quietly found a place to stay and rested there until morning.

At sunrise, they saw with astonishment what a large crowd of believers and curious people had spent the night here. On all paths of the marvellous grove, monks walked in yellow robes, under the trees they sat here and there, in deep contemplation—or in a conversation about spiritual matters, the shady gardens looked like a city, full of people, bustling like bees. The majority of the monks went out with their alms-dish, to collect food in town for their lunch, the only meal of the day. The Buddha himself, the enlightened one, was also in the habit of taking this walk to beg in the morning.

At sunrise, they were amazed to see how many believers and curious people had spent the night there. Monks in yellow robes walked along every path in the beautiful grove. Others sat here and there under the trees, deep in thought or talking about spiritual matters. The shady gardens looked like a city, full of people bustling like bees. Most of the monks went into town with their alms bowls to collect food for lunch, their only meal of the day. The Buddha himself, the enlightened one, also made a habit of going out to beg each morning.

Siddhartha saw him, and he instantly recognised him, as if a god had pointed him out to him. He saw him, a simple man in a yellow robe, bearing the alms-dish in his hand, walking silently.

Siddhartha saw him and instantly recognized him, as if a god had pointed him out to him. He saw him, a simple man in a yellow robe, carrying the alms bowl in his hand and walking silently.

“Look here!” Siddhartha said quietly to Govinda. “This one is the Buddha.”

“Look!” Siddhartha said quietly to Govinda. “This is the Buddha.”

Attentively, Govinda looked at the monk in the yellow robe, who seemed to be in no way different from the hundreds of other monks. And soon, Govinda also realized: This is the one. And they followed him and observed him.

Govinda looked closely at the monk in the yellow robe. He seemed no different from the hundreds of other monks. Soon, Govinda realized too: This is the one. They followed the monk and watched him.

The Buddha went on his way, modestly and deep in his thoughts, his calm face was neither happy nor sad, it seemed to smile quietly and inwardly. With a hidden smile, quiet, calm, somewhat resembling a healthy child, the Buddha walked, wore the robe and placed his feet just as all of his monks did, according to a precise rule. But his face and his walk, his quietly lowered glance, his quietly dangling hand and even every finger of his quietly dangling hand expressed peace, expressed perfection, did not search, did not imitate, breathed softly in an unwhithering calm, in an unwhithering light, an untouchable peace.

The Buddha went on his way, modest and deep in thought. His calm face was neither happy nor sad. He seemed to smile quietly to himself. With that hidden smile, quiet and calm, he somewhat resembled a healthy child. The Buddha walked, wore his robe, and placed his feet according to a precise rule, just as all his monks did. But his face and his walk, his quietly lowered gaze, his relaxed hand, and even each finger of that hand expressed peace and perfection. They showed no searching or imitation. They seemed to breathe softly in a lasting calm, a lasting light, an untouchable peace.

Thus Gotama walked towards the town, to collect alms, and the two Samanas recognised him solely by the perfection of his calm, by the quietness of his appearance, in which there was no searching, no desire, no imitation, no effort to be seen, only light and peace.

Gotama walked toward the town to collect alms. The two Samanas recognized him solely by his perfect calm and quiet appearance. There was no searching, no desire, no imitation, and no effort to be seen. There was only light and peace.

“Today, we’ll hear the teachings from his mouth,” said Govinda.

“Today, we’ll hear his teachings from him directly,” said Govinda.

Siddhartha did not answer. He felt little curiosity for the teachings, he did not believe that they would teach him anything new, but he had, just as Govinda had, heard the contents of this Buddha’s teachings again and again, though these reports only represented second- or third-hand information. But attentively he looked at Gotama’s head, his shoulders, his feet, his quietly dangling hand, and it seemed to him as if every joint of every finger of this hand was of these teachings, spoke of, breathed of, exhaled the fragrant of, glistened of truth. This man, this Buddha was truthful down to the gesture of his last finger. This man was holy. Never before, Siddhartha had venerated a person so much, never before he had loved a person as much as this one.

Siddhartha did not answer. He felt little curiosity about the teachings. He did not believe they would teach him anything new. But, like Govinda, he had heard their contents again and again, though only through secondhand or thirdhand reports. Still, he studied Gotama’s head, shoulders, feet, and quietly dangling hand. Every joint of every finger seemed to embody the teachings, to speak and breathe them, to exhale their fragrance and shine with truth. This man, this Buddha, was truthful down to the gesture of his smallest finger. This man was holy. Never before had Siddhartha revered anyone so much. Never before had he loved anyone as much as this man.

They both followed the Buddha until they reached the town and then returned in silence, for they themselves intended to abstain from on this day. They saw Gotama returning—what he ate could not even have satisfied a bird’s appetite, and they saw him retiring into the shade of the mango-trees.

They both followed the Buddha to town, then returned in silence, because they too intended to abstain that day. They saw Gotama return. What he ate could not have satisfied even a bird’s appetite. Then they saw him go into the shade of the mango trees.

But in the evening, when the heat cooled down and everyone in the camp started to bustle about and gathered around, they heard the Buddha teaching. They heard his voice, and it was also perfected, was of perfect calmness, was full of peace. Gotama taught the teachings of suffering, of the origin of suffering, of the way to relieve suffering. Calmly and clearly his quiet speech flowed on. Suffering was life, full of suffering was the world, but salvation from suffering had been found: salvation was obtained by him who would walk the path of the Buddha. With a soft, yet firm voice the exalted one spoke, taught the four main doctrines, taught the eightfold path, patiently he went the usual path of the teachings, of the examples, of the repetitions, brightly and quietly his voice hovered over the listeners, like a light, like a starry sky.

But in the evening, when the heat cooled and everyone in the camp began to bustle about and gather around, they heard the Buddha teaching. They heard his voice, and it too was perfect, perfectly calm, full of peace. Gotama taught about suffering, the origin of suffering, and the way to relieve suffering. His quiet speech flowed on calmly and clearly. Life was suffering, and the world was full of suffering. But salvation from suffering had been found. Whoever walked the path of the Buddha obtained salvation. The exalted one spoke in a soft yet firm voice. He taught the four main doctrines and the eightfold path. Patiently he went the usual way of the teachings, with its examples and repetitions. His voice hovered brightly and quietly over the listeners, like a light, like a starry sky.

When the Buddha—night had already fallen—ended his speech, many a pilgrim stepped forward and asked to be accepted into the community, sought refuge in the teachings. And Gotama accepted them by speaking: “You have heard the teachings well, it has come to you well. Thus join us and walk in holiness, to put an end to all suffering.”

Night had already fallen when the Buddha finished his speech. Many pilgrims stepped forward and asked to join the community, seeking refuge in the teachings. Gotama accepted them, saying: “You have heard the teachings well, and they have reached you well. Join us and live a holy life, so that you may put an end to all suffering.”

Behold, then Govinda, the shy one, also stepped forward and spoke: “I also take my refuge in the exalted one and his teachings,” and he asked to be accepted into the community of his disciples and was accepted.

Then Govinda, the shy one, also stepped forward and spoke: “I also take refuge in the exalted one and his teachings.” He asked to join the community of disciples and was accepted.

Right afterwards, when the Buddha had retired for the night, Govinda turned to Siddhartha and spoke eagerly: “Siddhartha, it is not my place to scold you. We have both heard the exalted one, we have both perceived the teachings. Govinda has heard the teachings, he has taken refuge in it. But you, my honoured friend, don’t you also want to walk the path of salvation? Would you want to hesitate, do you want to wait any longer?”

Soon afterward, when the Buddha had gone to bed, Govinda turned to Siddhartha and spoke eagerly: “Siddhartha, it is not my place to scold you. We have both heard the exalted one. We have both understood the teachings. Govinda has heard the teachings and taken refuge in them. But you, my honored friend, don’t you also want to follow the path to salvation? Do you want to hesitate and wait any longer?”

Siddhartha awakened as if he had been asleep, when he heard Govinda’s words. For a long time, he looked into Govinda’s face. Then he spoke quietly, in a voice without mockery: “Govinda, my friend, now you have taken this step, now you have chosen this path. Always, oh Govinda, you’ve been my friend, you’ve always walked one step behind me. Often I have thought: Won’t Govinda for once also take a step by himself, without me, out of his own soul? Behold, now you’ve turned into a man and are choosing your path for yourself. I wish that you would go it up to its end, oh my friend, that you shall find salvation!”

When Siddhartha heard Govinda’s words, he woke as if from sleep. He looked at Govinda’s face for a long time. Then he spoke quietly, without mockery: “Govinda, my friend, you have taken this step and chosen this path. You have always been my friend, Govinda, and you have always walked one step behind me. Often I have wondered: Won’t Govinda ever take a step on his own, without me, guided by his own soul? Look, now you have become a man and are choosing your own path. I hope you follow it to the end, my friend, and find salvation!”

Govinda, not completely understanding it yet, repeated his question in an impatient tone: “Speak up, I beg you, my dear! Tell me, since it could not be any other way, that you also, my learned friend, will take your refuge with the exalted Buddha!”

Govinda still did not fully understand. He repeated his question impatiently: “Please speak, my dear! Tell me that you too, my learned friend, will take refuge with the exalted Buddha. Surely it could not be otherwise!”

Siddhartha placed his hand on Govinda’s shoulder: “You failed to hear my good wish for you, oh Govinda. I’m repeating it: I wish that you would go this path up to its end, that you shall find salvation!”

Siddhartha placed his hand on Govinda’s shoulder: “You didn’t hear my good wish for you, Govinda. I’ll repeat it: I hope you follow this path to its end and find salvation!”

In this moment, Govinda realized that his friend had left him, and he started to weep.

At that moment, Govinda realized his friend had left him, and he began to cry.

“Siddhartha!” he exclaimed lamentingly.

“Siddhartha!” he cried sorrowfully.

Siddhartha kindly spoke to him: “Don’t forget, Govinda, that you are now one of the Samanas of the Buddha! You have renounced your home and your parents, renounced your birth and possessions, renounced your free will, renounced all friendship. This is what the teachings require, this is what the exalted one wants. This is what you wanted for yourself. Tomorrow, oh Govinda, I’ll leave you.”

Siddhartha spoke kindly to him: “Don’t forget, Govinda, that you are now one of the Buddha’s Samanas! You have given up your home and your parents, your birth and your possessions, your free will, and all friendship. The teachings require this. The exalted one wants it. You wanted it for yourself. Tomorrow, Govinda, I’ll leave you.”

For a long time, the friends continued walking in the grove; for a long time, they lay there and found no sleep. And over and over again, Govinda urged his friend, he should tell him why he would not want to seek refuge in Gotama’s teachings, what fault he would find in these teachings. But Siddhartha turned him away every time and said: “Be content, Govinda! Very good are the teachings of the exalted one, how could I find a fault in them?”

For a long time, the friends walked in the grove. Then they lay there for a long time, unable to sleep. Again and again, Govinda asked his friend why he would not seek refuge in Gotama’s teachings. He asked what fault Siddhartha found in them. But Siddhartha turned him away each time and said: “Be content, Govinda! The exalted one’s teachings are very good. How could I find fault with them?”

Very early in the morning, a follower of Buddha, one of his oldest monks, went through the garden and called all those to him who had as novices taken their refuge in the teachings, to dress them up in the yellow robe and to instruct them in the first teachings and duties of their position. Then Govinda broke loose, embraced once again his childhood friend and left with the novices.

Very early in the morning, a follower of Buddha walked through the garden. He was one of Buddha’s oldest monks. He called together all those who had taken refuge in the teachings as novices. He would dress them in yellow robes and teach them the first lessons and duties of their new position. Then Govinda pulled away, embraced his childhood friend once more, and left with the novices.

But Siddhartha walked through the grove, lost in thought.

But Siddhartha walked through the grove, lost in thought.

Then he happened to meet Gotama, the exalted one, and when he greeted him with respect and the Buddha’s glance was so full of kindness and calm, the young man summoned his courage and asked the venerable one for the permission to talk to him. Silently the exalted one nodded his approval.

Then he happened to meet Gotama, the revered one, and greeted him respectfully. The Buddha’s gaze was so kind and calm that the young man found the courage to ask permission to speak with him. Gotama silently nodded his approval.

Quoth Siddhartha: “Yesterday, oh exalted one, I had been privileged to hear your wondrous teachings. Together with my friend, I had come from afar, to hear your teachings. And now my friend is going to stay with your people, he has taken his refuge with you. But I will again start on my pilgrimage.”

Siddhartha said, “Yesterday, honored one, I had the privilege of hearing your wonderful teachings. My friend and I had come from far away to hear them. Now my friend will stay with your followers. He has taken refuge with you. But I will continue on my pilgrimage.”

“As you please,” the venerable one spoke politely.

“As you wish,” the honored one said politely.

“Too bold is my speech,” Siddhartha continued, “but I do not want to leave the exalted one without having honestly told him my thoughts. Does it please the venerable one to listen to me for one moment longer?”

“My words are too bold,” Siddhartha continued, “but I do not want to leave you without honestly sharing my thoughts. Would you listen to me for one moment longer?”

Silently, the Buddha nodded his approval.

The Buddha nodded silently in approval.

Quoth Siddhartha: “One thing, oh most venerable one, I have admired in your teachings most of all. Everything in your teachings is perfectly clear, is proven; you are presenting the world as a perfect chain, a chain which is never and nowhere broken, an eternal chain the links of which are causes and effects. Never before, this has been seen so clearly; never before, this has been presented so irrefutably; truly, the heart of every Brahman has to beat stronger with love, once he has seen the world through your teachings perfectly connected, without gaps, clear as a crystal, not depending on chance, not depending on gods. Whether it may be good or bad, whether living according to it would be suffering or joy, I do not wish to discuss, possibly this is not essential—but the uniformity of the world, that everything which happens is connected, that the great and the small things are all encompassed by the same forces of time, by the same law of causes, of coming into being and of dying, this is what shines brightly out of your exalted teachings, oh perfected one. But according to your very own teachings, this unity and necessary sequence of all things is nevertheless broken in one place, through a small gap, this world of unity is invaded by something alien, something new, something which had not been there before, and which cannot be demonstrated and cannot be proven: these are your teachings of overcoming the world, of salvation. But with this small gap, with this small breach, the entire eternal and uniform law of the world is breaking apart again and becomes void. Please forgive me for expressing this objection.”

Siddhartha said: “Most venerable one, there is one thing I have admired in your teachings most of all. Everything in your teachings is perfectly clear and proven. You present the world as a perfect chain, a chain that is never and nowhere broken, an eternal chain whose links are causes and effects. Never before has this been seen so clearly. Never before has it been presented so irrefutably. Truly, every Brahman’s heart must beat stronger with love once he has seen the world through your teachings. He sees it perfectly connected, without gaps, clear as crystal, dependent neither on chance nor on gods. “Whether this may be good or bad, and whether living by it would be suffering or joy, I do not wish to discuss. Possibly that is not essential. But this is what shines brightly out of your exalted teachings, perfected one: the uniformity of the world. Everything that happens is connected. Great and small things are all encompassed by the same forces of time, by the same law of causes, of coming into being and of dying. “But according to your very own teachings, this unity and necessary sequence of all things is nevertheless broken in one place. Through a small gap, something alien invades this world of unity. It is something new, something that was not there before, and it cannot be demonstrated or proven. This is your teaching of overcoming the world, of salvation. But with this small gap, this small breach, the entire eternal and uniform law of the world breaks apart again and becomes void. Please forgive me for expressing this objection.”

Quietly, Gotama had listened to him, unmoved. Now he spoke, the perfected one, with his kind, with his polite and clear voice: “You’ve heard the teachings, oh son of a Brahman, and good for you that you’ve thought about it thus deeply. You’ve found a gap in it, an error. You should think about this further. But be warned, oh seeker of knowledge, of the thicket of opinions and of arguing about words. There is nothing to opinions, they may be beautiful or ugly, smart or foolish, everyone can support them or discard them. But the teachings, you’ve heard from me, are no opinion, and their goal is not to explain the world to those who seek knowledge. They have a different goal; their goal is salvation from suffering. This is what Gotama teaches, nothing else.”

Gotama listened quietly, unmoved. Then the perfected one spoke in his kind, polite, and clear voice: “You have heard the teachings, son of a Brahman. It is good that you have thought about them so deeply. You have found a gap in them, an error. You should think about this further. But beware, seeker of knowledge, of getting tangled in opinions and arguments about words. Opinions have no substance. They may be beautiful or ugly, wise or foolish. Anyone can accept or reject them. But the teachings you heard from me are not an opinion. Their purpose is not to explain the world to those who seek knowledge. They have a different purpose: freedom from suffering. This is what Gotama teaches, nothing else.”

“I wish that you, oh exalted one, would not be angry with me,” said the young man. “I have not spoken to you like this to argue with you, to argue about words. You are truly right, there is little to opinions. But let me say this one more thing: I have not doubted in you for a single moment. I have not doubted for a single moment that you are Buddha, that you have reached the goal, the highest goal towards which so many thousands of Brahmans and sons of Brahmans are on their way. You have found salvation from death. It has come to you in the course of your own search, on your own path, through thoughts, through meditation, through realizations, through enlightenment. It has not come to you by means of teachings! And—thus is my thought, oh exalted one,—nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings! You will not be able to convey and say to anybody, oh venerable one, in words and through teachings what has happened to you in the hour of enlightenment! The teachings of the enlightened Buddha contain much, it teaches many to live righteously, to avoid evil. But there is one thing which these so clear, these so venerable teachings do not contain: they do not contain the mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for himself, he alone among hundreds of thousands. This is what I have thought and realized, when I have heard the teachings. This is why I am continuing my travels—not to seek other, better teachings, for I know there are none, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach my goal by myself or to die. But often, I’ll think of this day, oh exalted one, and of this hour, when my eyes beheld a holy man.”

“I hope you will not be angry with me, exalted one,” said the young man. “I have not spoken this way to argue with you or to dispute words. You are right that opinions matter little. But let me say one more thing: I have never doubted you. I have never doubted that you are Buddha and have reached the highest goal. Thousands of Brahmans and their sons are striving toward that same goal. You have found salvation from death. You found it through your own search, on your own path, through thought, meditation, insight, and enlightenment. You did not find it through teachings! “And I believe, exalted one, that no one will find salvation through teachings. You cannot use words or teachings to tell anyone what happened to you at the hour of your enlightenment, venerable one. The enlightened Buddha’s teachings contain much. They teach many people to live rightly and avoid evil. But these clear and venerable teachings do not contain one thing: the mystery of what you yourself experienced, exalted one. You alone among hundreds of thousands have had that experience. “That is what I thought and realized when I heard your teachings. That is why I am continuing my travels. I am not seeking other, better teachings, for I know there are none. Instead, I am leaving all teachings and teachers behind. I will reach my goal on my own or die. But I will often think of this day and this hour, exalted one, when I saw a holy man.”

The Buddha’s eyes quietly looked to the ground; quietly, in perfect equanimity his inscrutable face was smiling.

The Buddha gazed quietly at the ground. His unreadable face wore a quiet smile of perfect calm.

“I wish,” the venerable one spoke slowly, “that your thoughts shall not be in error, that you shall reach the goal! But tell me: Have you seen the multitude of my Samanas, my many brothers, who have taken refuge in the teachings? And do you believe, oh stranger, oh Samana, do you believe that it would be better for them all the abandon the teachings and to return into the life the world and of desires?”

“I hope,” the venerable one said slowly, “that your thoughts are not mistaken and that you will reach your goal! But tell me: Have you seen the many Samanas, my brothers, who have taken refuge in the teachings? And do you believe, stranger, Samana, that all of them would be better off abandoning the teachings? Would they be better off returning to a worldly life of desire?”

“Far is such a thought from my mind,” exclaimed Siddhartha. “I wish that they shall all stay with the teachings, that they shall reach their goal! It is not my place to judge another person’s life. Only for myself, for myself alone, I must decide, I must chose, I must refuse. Salvation from the self is what we Samanas search for, oh exalted one. If I merely were one of your disciples, oh venerable one, I’d fear that it might happen to me that only seemingly, only deceptively my self would be calm and be redeemed, but that in truth it would live on and grow, for then I had replaced my self with the teachings, my duty to follow you, my love for you, and the community of the monks!”

“Nothing could be further from my mind,” Siddhartha exclaimed. “I hope they all stay with the teachings and reach their goal! It is not my place to judge another person’s life. I must decide, choose, and refuse for myself alone. We Samanas seek freedom from the self, exalted one. If I were one of your disciples, venerable one, I would be afraid. My self might only appear to be calm and redeemed, while in truth it lived on and grew. For I would have replaced my self with the teachings, my duty to follow you, my love for you, and the community of monks!”

With half of a smile, with an unwavering openness and kindness, Gotama looked into the stranger’s eyes and bid him to leave with a hardly noticeable gesture.

With a slight smile and steady openness and kindness, Gotama looked into the stranger’s eyes. With a barely noticeable gesture, he asked him to leave.

“You are wise, oh Samana,” the venerable one spoke. “You know how to talk wisely, my friend. Be aware of too much wisdom!”

“You are wise, Samana,” the venerable one said. “You know how to speak wisely, my friend. Beware of too much wisdom!”

The Buddha turned away, and his glance and half of a smile remained forever etched in Siddhartha’s memory.

The Buddha turned away. Siddhartha would always remember his glance and faint smile.

I have never before seen a person glance and smile, sit and walk this way, he thought; truly, I wish to be able to glance and smile, sit and walk this way, too, thus free, thus venerable, thus concealed, thus open, thus childlike and mysterious. Truly, only a person who has succeeded in reaching the innermost part of his self would glance and walk this way. Well so, I also will seek to reach the innermost part of my self.

I have never seen anyone look, smile, sit, or walk like that before, he thought. I truly wish I could look, smile, sit, and walk that way too. He is so free, so worthy of respect, so hidden, yet so open, so childlike and mysterious. Surely, only someone who has reached the deepest part of himself could look and walk that way. So I too will seek to reach the deepest part of myself.

I saw a man, Siddhartha thought, a single man, before whom I would have to lower my glance. I do not want to lower my glance before any other, not before any other. No teachings will entice me any more, since this man’s teachings have not enticed me.

I saw one man, Siddhartha thought, one man before whom I would have to lower my eyes. I do not want to lower my eyes before anyone else, not anyone else. No teachings will tempt me anymore, since even this man’s teachings did not tempt me.

I am deprived by the Buddha, thought Siddhartha, I am deprived, and even more he has given to me. He has deprived me of my friend, the one who had believed in me and now believes in him, who had been my shadow and is now Gotama’s shadow. But he has given me Siddhartha, myself.

The Buddha has taken something from me, Siddhartha thought, but he has given me even more. He has taken my friend, who believed in me and now believes in him. My friend was once my shadow and is now Gotama’s shadow. But the Buddha has given me Siddhartha, myself.