By the River

Siddhartha walked through the forest, was already far from the city, and knew nothing but that one thing, that there was no going back for him, that this life, as he had lived it for many years until now, was over and done away with, and that he had tasted all of it, sucked everything out of it until he was disgusted with it. Dead was the singing bird he had dreamt of. Dead was the bird in his heart. Deeply, he had been entangled in Sansara, he had sucked up disgust and death from all sides into his body, like a sponge sucks up water until it is full. And full he was, full of the feeling of been sick of it, full of misery, full of death, there was nothing left in this world which could have attracted him, given him joy, given him comfort.

Siddhartha walked through the forest, far from the city by now. He knew only one thing: there was no going back for him. The life he had lived for so many years was over and done with. He had tasted all of it and sucked everything out of it until he was disgusted. The singing bird he had dreamed of was dead. The bird in his heart was dead. He had become deeply entangled in Sansara. He had soaked up disgust and death from all sides, like a sponge soaking up water until it is full. And he was full, full of weariness, misery, and death. Nothing remained in this world that could attract him, give him joy, or comfort him.

Passionately he wished to know nothing about himself anymore, to have rest, to be dead. If there only was a lightning-bolt to strike him dead! If there only was a tiger to devour him! If there only was a wine, a poison which would numb his senses, bring him forgetfulness and sleep, and no awakening from that! Was there still any kind of filth he had not soiled himself with, a sin or foolish act he had not committed, a dreariness of the soul he had not brought upon himself? Was it still at all possible to be alive? Was it possible to breathe in again and again, to breathe out, to feel hunger, to eat again, to sleep again, to sleep with a woman again? Was this cycle not exhausted and brought to a conclusion for him?

He longed to know nothing more about himself, to rest, to be dead. If only lightning would strike him dead! If only a tiger would devour him! If only there were wine or poison that would numb his senses and bring him forgetfulness and sleep, with no awakening! Was there any filth he had not covered himself in? Was there any sin or foolish act he had not committed? Was there any misery of the soul he had not brought on himself? Was it even possible to go on living? Could he keep breathing in and out, feeling hungry, eating, sleeping, and sleeping with a woman again? Had this cycle not run its course and come to an end for him?

Siddhartha reached the large river in the forest, the same river over which a long time ago, when he had still been a young man and came from the town of Gotama, a ferryman had conducted him. By this river he stopped, hesitantly he stood at the bank. Tiredness and hunger had weakened him, and whatever for should he walk on, wherever to, to which goal? No, there were no more goals, there was nothing left but the deep, painful yearning to shake off this whole desolate dream, to spit out this stale wine, to put an end to this miserable and shameful life.

Siddhartha reached the large river in the forest. Long ago, when he was still a young man coming from Gotama’s town, a ferryman had taken him across this same river. Siddhartha stopped there and stood hesitantly on the bank. Tiredness and hunger had weakened him. Why should he walk on, and where could he go? What goal did he have? No, there were no more goals. All that remained was a deep, painful yearning to shake off this whole desolate dream, to spit out this stale wine, to end this miserable and shameful life.

A hang bent over the bank of the river, a coconut-tree; Siddhartha leaned against its trunk with his shoulder, embraced the trunk with one arm, and looked down into the green water, which ran and ran under him, looked down and found himself to be entirely filled with the wish to let go and to drown in these waters. A frightening emptiness was reflected back at him by the water, answering to the terrible emptiness in his soul. Yes, he had reached the end. There was nothing left for him, except to annihilate himself, except to smash the failure into which he had shaped his life, to throw it away, before the feet of mockingly laughing gods. This was the great vomiting he had longed for: death, the smashing to bits of the form he hated! Let him be food for fishes, this dog Siddhartha, this lunatic, this depraved and rotten body, this weakened and abused soul! Let him be food for fishes and crocodiles, let him be chopped to bits by the daemons!

A coconut tree leaned over the riverbank. Siddhartha leaned his shoulder against its trunk and wrapped one arm around it. He looked down at the green water flowing endlessly beneath him. As he watched, he felt an overwhelming desire to let go and drown in the river. The water reflected a frightening emptiness back at him, matching the terrible emptiness in his soul. Yes, he had reached the end. Nothing remained for him but to destroy himself. He would smash the failure he had made of his life and throw it at the feet of mocking, laughing gods. This was the great vomiting he had longed for: death, the shattering of the form he hated! Let this dog Siddhartha, this lunatic, be food for fish! Let this depraved and rotten body, this weakened and abused soul, be food for fish and crocodiles! Let him be chopped to pieces by the daemons!

With a distorted face, he stared into the water, saw the reflection of his face and spit at it. In deep tiredness, he took his arm away from the trunk of the tree and turned a bit, in order to let himself fall straight down, in order to finally drown. With his eyes closed, he slipped towards death.

His face twisted, he stared into the water and spat at his reflection. Exhausted, he let go of the tree trunk and turned slightly so he could fall straight down and finally drown. With his eyes closed, he slipped toward death.

Then, out of remote areas of his soul, out of past times of his now weary life, a sound stirred up. It was a word, a syllable, which he, without thinking, with a slurred voice, spoke to himself, the old word which is the beginning and the end of all prayers of the Brahmans, the holy “Om”, which roughly means “that what is perfect” or “the completion”. And in the moment when the sound of “Om” touched Siddhartha’s ear, his dormant spirit suddenly woke up and realized the foolishness of his actions.

Then a sound stirred from the distant reaches of his soul, from earlier times in his now weary life. Without thinking, he spoke the word, a single syllable, to himself in a slurred voice. It was the ancient, sacred word “Om”, which begins and ends all the prayers of the Brahmans. It roughly means “what is perfect” or “completion”. The moment Siddhartha heard “Om”, his sleeping spirit suddenly awoke, and he realized the foolishness of his actions.

Siddhartha was deeply shocked. So this was how things were with him, so doomed was he, so much he had lost his way and was forsaken by all knowledge, that he had been able to seek death, that this wish, this wish of a child, had been able to grow in him: to find rest by annihilating his body! What all agony of these recent times, all sobering realizations, all desperation had not brought about, this was brought on by this moment, when the Om entered his consciousness: he became aware of himself in his misery and in his error.

Siddhartha was deeply shocked. He was so doomed, so lost, and so cut off from all knowledge that he had been able to seek death. A childish wish had grown in him: to find rest by destroying his body! All the agony, sobering realizations, and desperation of recent times had not achieved what happened now. In the moment when Om entered his mind, he became aware of his misery and his error.

Om! he spoke to himself: Om! and again he knew about Brahman, knew about the indestructibility of life, knew about all that is divine, which he had forgotten.

Om! he said to himself. Om! Once again, he knew about Brahman, the indestructibility of life, and all that is divine. He had forgotten all of this.

But this was only a moment, flash. By the foot of the coconut-tree, Siddhartha collapsed, struck down by tiredness, mumbling Om, placed his head on the root of the tree and fell into a deep sleep.

But this lasted only a moment, a flash. At the foot of the coconut tree, Siddhartha collapsed from exhaustion. Mumbling Om, he rested his head on a root and fell into a deep sleep.

Deep was his sleep and without dreams, for a long time he had not known such a sleep any more. When he woke up after many hours, he felt as if ten years had passed, he heard the water quietly flowing, did not know where he was and who had brought him here, opened his eyes, saw with astonishment that there were trees and the sky above him, and he remembered where he was and how he got here. But it took him a long while for this, and the past seemed to him as if it had been covered by a veil, infinitely distant, infinitely far away, infinitely meaningless. He only knew that his previous life (in the first moment when he thought about it, this past life seemed to him like a very old, previous incarnation, like an early pre-birth of his present self)—that his previous life had been abandoned by him, that, full of disgust and wretchedness, he had even intended to throw his life away, but that by a river, under a coconut-tree, he had come to his senses, the holy word Om on his lips, that then he had fallen asleep and had now woken up and was looking at the world as a new man. Quietly, he spoke the word Om to himself, speaking which he had fallen asleep, and it seemed to him as if his entire long sleep had been nothing but a long meditative recitation of Om, a thinking of Om, a submergence and complete entering into Om, into the nameless, the perfected.

His sleep was deep and dreamless. He had not slept so well in a long time. When he woke after many hours, he felt as if ten years had passed. He heard the water flowing quietly. He did not know where he was or who had brought him there. He opened his eyes and was surprised to see trees and the sky above him. Then he remembered where he was and how he had gotten there. But it took him a long time to remember. The past seemed covered by a veil, infinitely distant, infinitely far away, infinitely meaningless. All he knew was that he had abandoned his former life. When he first thought of that life, it seemed like a very old incarnation, an early life before his present self was born. Full of disgust and misery, he had even intended to throw his life away. But beside a river, under a coconut tree, he had come to his senses with the sacred word Om on his lips. Then he had fallen asleep. Now he had woken and was looking at the world as a new man. He quietly spoke Om to himself, the word he had spoken as he fell asleep. It seemed to him that his entire long sleep had been one long meditation on Om. He had been thinking of Om, sinking into it and entering it completely, into the nameless, the perfected.

What a wonderful sleep had this been! Never before by sleep, he had been thus refreshed, thus renewed, thus rejuvenated! Perhaps, he had really died, had drowned and was reborn in a new body? But no, he knew himself, he knew his hands and his feet, knew the place where he lay, knew this self in his chest, this Siddhartha, the eccentric, the weird one, but this Siddhartha was nevertheless transformed, was renewed, was strangely well rested, strangely awake, joyful and curious.

What a wonderful sleep it had been! Never before had sleep left him so refreshed, so renewed, so young again! Perhaps he had really died, drowned, and been reborn in a new body? But no, he knew himself. He knew his hands and feet, and he knew the place where he lay. He knew the self in his chest, Siddhartha, the eccentric, strange one. But Siddhartha had changed. He was renewed, strangely well rested, strangely awake, joyful, and curious.

Siddhartha straightened up, then he saw a person sitting opposite to him, an unknown man, a monk in a yellow robe with a shaven head, sitting in the position of pondering. He observed the man, who had neither hair on his head nor a beard, and he had not observed him for long when he recognised this monk as Govinda, the friend of his youth, Govinda who had taken his refuge with the exalted Buddha. Govinda had aged, he too, but still his face bore the same features, expressed zeal, faithfulness, searching, timidness. But when Govinda now, sensing his gaze, opened his eyes and looked at him, Siddhartha saw that Govinda did not recognise him. Govinda was happy to find him awake; apparently, he had been sitting here for a long time and been waiting for him to wake up, though he did not know him.

Siddhartha sat up straight. He saw a stranger sitting opposite him, a monk in a yellow robe with a shaved head. The monk sat in meditation. Siddhartha watched the man, who had neither hair nor a beard. Before long, he recognized the monk as Govinda, his childhood friend who had taken refuge with the exalted Buddha. Govinda had grown older too. But his face still showed the same qualities: devotion, loyalty, a searching spirit, and shyness. Now Govinda sensed Siddhartha’s gaze and opened his eyes. When Govinda looked at him, Siddhartha saw that Govinda did not recognize him. Govinda was glad to find him awake. Apparently, he had been sitting there a long time, waiting for Siddhartha to wake up, though he did not know him.

“I have been sleeping,” said Siddhartha. “However did you get here?”

“I’ve been sleeping,” said Siddhartha. “How did you get here?”

“You have been sleeping,” answered Govinda. “It is not good to be sleeping in such places, where snakes often are and the animals of the forest have their paths. I, oh sir, am a follower of the exalted Gotama, the Buddha, the Sakyamuni, and have been on a pilgrimage together with several of us on this path, when I saw you lying and sleeping in a place where it is dangerous to sleep. Therefore, I sought to wake you up, oh sir, and since I saw that your sleep was very deep, I stayed behind from my group and sat with you. And then, so it seems, I have fallen asleep myself, I who wanted to guard your sleep. Badly, I have served you, tiredness has overwhelmed me. But now that you’re awake, let me go to catch up with my brothers.”

“You have been sleeping,” Govinda answered. “It is not safe to sleep in places like this, where snakes are often found and forest animals pass by. Sir, I am a follower of the exalted Gotama, the Buddha, the Sakyamuni. I was on a pilgrimage along this path with several other followers when I saw you sleeping in this dangerous place. So I tried to wake you, sir. But I saw that you were sleeping deeply, so I stayed behind and sat with you while my group continued on. And then, it seems, I fell asleep myself, though I had meant to guard you while you slept. I have served you badly. Tiredness overcame me. But now that you are awake, let me go and catch up with my brothers.”

“I thank you, Samana, for watching out over my sleep,” spoke Siddhartha. “You’re friendly, you followers of the exalted one. Now you may go then.”

“Thank you, Samana, for watching over me while I slept,” said Siddhartha. “You followers of the exalted one are kind. You may go now.”

“I’m going, sir. May you, sir, always be in good health.”

“I’m going, sir. May you always be healthy, sir.”

“I thank you, Samana.”

“Thank you, Samana.”

Govinda made the gesture of a salutation and said: “Farewell.”

Govinda made a gesture of greeting and said, “Goodbye.”

“Farewell, Govinda,” said Siddhartha.

“Goodbye, Govinda,” said Siddhartha.

The monk stopped.

The monk stopped.

“Permit me to ask, sir, from where do you know my name?”

“May I ask how you know my name, sir?”

Now, Siddhartha smiled.

Now Siddhartha smiled.

“I know you, oh Govinda, from your father’s hut, and from the school of the Brahmans, and from the offerings, and from our walk to the Samanas, and from that hour when you took your refuge with the exalted one in the grove Jetavana.”

“I know you, Govinda, from your father’s hut, the Brahmans’ school, and the offerings. I know you from our walk to the Samanas. I know you from the moment you took refuge with the exalted one in the grove of Jetavana.”

“You’re Siddhartha,” Govinda exclaimed loudly. “Now, I’m recognising you, and don’t comprehend any more how I couldn’t recognise you right away. Be welcome, Siddhartha, my joy is great, to see you again.”

“You’re Siddhartha!” Govinda exclaimed loudly. “Now I recognize you. I can’t understand how I didn’t recognize you right away. Welcome, Siddhartha. I’m so happy to see you again.”

“It also gives me joy, to see you again. You’ve been the guard of my sleep, again I thank you for this, though I wouldn’t have required any guard. Where are you going to, oh friend?”

“I’m happy to see you again, too. You watched over me while I slept. I thank you again for doing so, though I didn’t need anyone to watch over me. Where are you going, my friend?”

“I’m going nowhere. We monks are always travelling, whenever it is not the rainy season, we always move from one place to another, live according to the rules of the teachings passed on to us, accept alms, move on. It is always like this. But you, Siddhartha, where are you going to?”

“I’m not going anywhere in particular. We monks are always traveling, except during the rainy season. We move from place to place, live by the rules we were taught, accept alms, and move on. We always live this way. But where are you going, Siddhartha?”

Quoth Siddhartha: “With me too, friend, it is as it is with you. I’m going nowhere. I’m just travelling. I’m on a pilgrimage.”

Siddhartha said, “It’s the same with me, friend. I’m going nowhere. I’m just traveling. I’m on a pilgrimage.”

Govinda spoke: “You’re saying: you’re on a pilgrimage, and I believe you. But, forgive me, oh Siddhartha, you do not look like a pilgrim. You’re wearing a rich man’s garments, you’re wearing the shoes of a distinguished gentleman, and your hair, with the fragrance of perfume, is not a pilgrim’s hair, not the hair of a Samana.”

Govinda said: “You say you’re on a pilgrimage, and I believe you. But forgive me, Siddhartha, you don’t look like a pilgrim. You’re wearing a rich man’s clothes and a distinguished gentleman’s shoes. Your hair smells of perfume. It is not a pilgrim’s hair, or a Samana’s.”

“Right so, my dear, you have observed well, your keen eyes see everything. But I haven’t said to you that I was a Samana. I said: I’m on a pilgrimage. And so it is: I’m on a pilgrimage.”

“That’s right, my dear. You’ve noticed well. Your sharp eyes see everything. But I didn’t tell you I was a Samana. I said I’m on a pilgrimage. And that’s true: I’m on a pilgrimage.”

“You’re on a pilgrimage,” said Govinda. “But few would go on a pilgrimage in such clothes, few in such shoes, few with such hair. Never I have met such a pilgrim, being a pilgrim myself for many years.”

“You’re on a pilgrimage,” said Govinda. “But few would go on a pilgrimage wearing clothes and shoes like yours, or with hair like yours. I’ve been a pilgrim for many years, but I’ve never met one like you.”

“I believe you, my dear Govinda. But now, today, you’ve met a pilgrim just like this, wearing such shoes, such a garment. Remember, my dear: Not eternal is the world of appearances, not eternal, anything but eternal are our garments and the style of our hair, and our hair and bodies themselves. I’m wearing a rich man’s clothes, you’ve seen this quite right. I’m wearing them, because I have been a rich man, and I’m wearing my hair like the worldly and lustful people, for I have been one of them.”

“I believe you, my dear Govinda. But today, you have met just such a pilgrim, wearing those shoes and clothes. Remember, my dear: The world of appearances does not last forever. Neither do our clothes, our hairstyles, our hair, or our bodies. You are right that I’m wearing a rich man’s clothes. I wear them because I have been a rich man. And I wear my hair like worldly, lustful people because I have been one of them.”

“And now, Siddhartha, what are you now?”

“And now, Siddhartha, what are you now?”

“I don’t know it, I don’t know it just like you. I’m travelling. I was a rich man and am no rich man any more, and what I’ll be tomorrow, I don’t know.”

“I don’t know it. I don’t know it any more than you do. I’m traveling. I was rich, but I’m not rich anymore. I don’t know what I’ll be tomorrow.”

“You’ve lost your riches?”

“You’ve lost your wealth?”

“I’ve lost them or they me. They somehow happened to slip away from me. The wheel of physical manifestations is turning quickly, Govinda. Where is Siddhartha the Brahman? Where is Siddhartha the Samana? Where is Siddhartha the rich man? Non-eternal things change quickly, Govinda, you know it.”

“I’ve lost them, or they’ve lost me. Somehow, they slipped away from me. The wheel of physical forms is turning quickly, Govinda. Where is Siddhartha the Brahman? Where is Siddhartha the Samana? Where is Siddhartha the rich man? Things that don’t last forever change quickly, Govinda. You know that.”

Govinda looked at the friend of his youth for a long time, with doubt in his eyes. After that, he gave him the salutation which one would use on a gentleman and went on his way.

Govinda looked at his old friend for a long time, doubt in his eyes. Then he greeted him as he would a gentleman and went on his way.

With a smiling face, Siddhartha watched him leave, he loved him still, this faithful man, this fearful man. And how could he not have loved everybody and everything in this moment, in the glorious hour after his wonderful sleep, filled with Om! The enchantment, which had happened inside of him in his sleep and by means of the Om, was this very thing that he loved everything, that he was full of joyful love for everything he saw. And it was this very thing, so it seemed to him now, which had been his sickness before, that he was not able to love anybody or anything.

Siddhartha smiled as he watched him leave. He still loved this faithful, fearful man. And how could he not love everyone and everything at that moment? It was the glorious hour after his wonderful sleep, filled with Om! In his sleep, Om had worked a kind of magic within him. He loved everything and felt joyful love for everything he saw. Now it seemed to him that his earlier sickness had been his inability to love anyone or anything.

With a smiling face, Siddhartha watched the leaving monk. The sleep had strengthened him much, but hunger gave him much pain, for by now he had not eaten for two days, and the times were long past when he had been tough against hunger. With sadness, and yet also with a smile, he thought of that time. In those days, so he remembered, he had boasted of three things to Kamala, had been able to do three noble and undefeatable feats: fasting—waiting—thinking. These had been his possessions, his power and strength, his solid staff; in the busy, laborious years of his youth, he had learned these three feats, nothing else. And now, they had abandoned him, none of them was his any more, neither fasting, nor waiting, nor thinking. For the most wretched things, he had given them up, for what fades most quickly, for sensual lust, for the good life, for riches! His life had indeed been strange. And now, so it seemed, now he had really become a childlike person.

With a smiling face, Siddhartha watched the monk leave. The sleep had greatly strengthened him, but hunger gave him much pain. By now he had not eaten for two days, and the times when he had been tough against hunger were long past. He thought of that time with sadness, and yet also with a smile. In those days, he remembered, he had boasted to Kamala of three things. He had been able to do three noble and unbeatable feats: fasting, waiting, thinking. These had been his possessions, his power and strength, his solid staff. In the busy, laborious years of his youth, he had learned these three feats and nothing else. And now they had abandoned him. None of them was his anymore, neither fasting, nor waiting, nor thinking. He had given them up for the most wretched things, for what fades most quickly: for sensual lust, for the good life, for riches! His life had indeed been strange. And now, it seemed, he had really become a childlike person.

Siddhartha thought about his situation. Thinking was hard on him, he did not really feel like it, but he forced himself.

Siddhartha thought about his situation. Thinking was hard for him, and he did not really feel like doing it, but he forced himself.

Now, he thought, since all these most easily perishing things have slipped from me again, now I’m standing here under the sun again just as I have been standing here a little child, nothing is mine, I have no abilities, there is nothing I could bring about, I have learned nothing. How wondrous is this! Now, that I’m no longer young, that my hair is already half gray, that my strength is fading, now I’m starting again at the beginning and as a child! Again, he had to smile. Yes, his fate had been strange! Things were going downhill with him, and now he was again facing the world void and naked and stupid. But he could not feel sad about this, no, he even felt a great urge to laugh, to laugh about himself, to laugh about this strange, foolish world.

Now, he thought, all these things that perish so easily have slipped away from me again. I stand here under the sun just as I did as a little child. Nothing is mine. I have no skills. I can accomplish nothing. I have learned nothing. How wonderful! Now I am no longer young. My hair is already half gray, and my strength is fading. Yet I am starting over at the beginning, like a child! Again, he had to smile. Yes, his fate had been strange! His life was going downhill, and now he faced the world again, empty, naked, and foolish. But he could not feel sad about it. No, he even felt a great urge to laugh, to laugh at himself and at this strange, foolish world.

“Things are going downhill with you!” he said to himself, and laughed about it, and as he was saying it, he happened to glance at the river, and he also saw the river going downhill, always moving on downhill, and singing and being happy through it all. He liked this well, kindly he smiled at the river. Was this not the river in which he had intended to drown himself, in past times, a hundred years ago, or had he dreamed this?

“Things are going downhill for you!” he said to himself, and laughed. As he spoke, he happened to glance at the river. It too was going downhill, always moving downhill, singing and happy all the while. He liked that and smiled kindly at the river. Wasn’t this the river where he had once intended to drown himself, a hundred years ago? Or had he dreamed it?

Wondrous indeed was my life, so he thought, wondrous detours it has taken. As a boy, I had only to do with gods and offerings. As a youth, I had only to do with asceticism, with thinking and meditation, was searching for Brahman, worshipped the eternal in the Atman. But as a young man, I followed the penitents, lived in the forest, suffered of heat and frost, learned to hunger, taught my body to become dead. Wonderfully, soon afterwards, insight came towards me in the form of the great Buddha’s teachings, I felt the knowledge of the oneness of the world circling in me like my own blood. But I also had to leave Buddha and the great knowledge. I went and learned the art of love with Kamala, learned trading with Kamaswami, piled up money, wasted money, learned to love my stomach, learned to please my senses. I had to spend many years losing my spirit, to unlearn thinking again, to forget the oneness. Isn’t it just as if I had turned slowly and on a long detour from a man into a child, from a thinker into a childlike person? And yet, this path has been very good; and yet, the bird in my chest has not died. But what a path has this been! I had to pass through so much stupidity, through so much vice, through so many errors, through so much disgust and disappointments and woe, just to become a child again and to be able to start over. But it was right so, my heart says “Yes” to it, my eyes smile to it. I’ve had to experience despair, I’ve had to sink down to the most foolish one of all thoughts, to the thought of suicide, in order to be able to experience divine grace, to hear Om again, to be able to sleep properly and awake properly again. I had to become a fool, to find Atman in me again. I had to sin, to be able to live again. Where else might my path lead me to? It is foolish, this path, it moves in loops, perhaps it is going around in a circle. Let it go as it likes, I want to take it.

My life has been extraordinary, he thought. It has taken such remarkable detours. As a boy, I knew only gods and offerings. As a youth, I knew only asceticism, thought, and meditation. I searched for Brahman and worshipped the eternal in the Atman. Then, as a young man, I followed the penitents and lived in the forest. I suffered through heat and frost, learned to go hungry, and trained my body to become dead. Then, remarkably, insight came to me through the teachings of the great Buddha. I felt the knowledge of the world’s oneness circulating in me like my own blood. But I also had to leave Buddha and that great knowledge. I went on to learn the art of love with Kamala and trading with Kamaswami. I piled up money and wasted it. I learned to love my stomach and please my senses. I had to spend many years losing my spirit, unlearning thought, and forgetting the oneness. Isn’t it as if I slowly took a long detour from a man into a child? As if I went from a thinker to a childlike person? And yet, this path has been very good. The bird in my chest has not died. But what a path it has been! I had to pass through so much stupidity, vice, error, disgust, disappointment, and sorrow. All this, just to become a child again and be able to start over. But it was right that way. My heart says “Yes” to it, and my eyes smile at it. I had to experience despair and sink to the most foolish thought of all, the thought of suicide. Only then could I experience divine grace, hear Om again, and sleep and wake properly again. I had to become a fool to find Atman in me again. I had to sin to be able to live again. Where else might my path lead me? It is a foolish path. It loops around, and perhaps it goes in a circle. Let it go where it likes. I want to follow it.

Wonderfully, he felt joy rolling like waves in his chest.

He felt joy rolling through his chest like waves, and it was wonderful.

Wherever from, he asked his heart, where from did you get this happiness? Might it come from that long, good sleep, which has done me so good? Or from the word Om, which I said? Or from the fact that I have escaped, that I have completely fled, that I am finally free again and am standing like a child under the sky? Oh how good is it to have fled, to have become free! How clean and beautiful is the air here, how good to breathe! There, where I ran away from, there everything smelled of ointments, of spices, of wine, of excess, of sloth. How I hated this world of the rich, of those who revel in fine food, of the gamblers! How I hated myself for staying in this terrible world for so long! How I hated myself, have deprived, poisoned, tortured myself, have made myself old and evil! No, never again I will, as I used to like doing so much, delude myself into thinking that Siddhartha was wise! But this one thing I have done well, this I like, this I must praise, that there is now an end to that hatred against myself, to that foolish and dreary life! I praise you, Siddhartha, after so many years of foolishness, you have once again had an idea, have done something, have heard the bird in your chest singing and have followed it!

Where did you get this happiness, he asked his heart. Could it come from that long, good sleep, which did me so much good? Or from the word Om, which I said? Or from having escaped completely, from being free again at last and standing like a child under the sky? Oh, how good it is to have escaped, to be free! How clean and beautiful the air is here, how good it is to breathe! Back where I came from, everything smelled of ointments, spices, wine, excess, and idleness. How I hated that world of the rich, of those who delighted in fine food, of gamblers! How I hated myself for staying in that terrible world so long! How I hated myself, deprived myself, poisoned and tortured myself, and made myself old and evil! No, never again will I deceive myself into thinking that Siddhartha is wise, as I once liked to do! But one thing I have done well. I am glad of it, and I must praise it: my hatred of myself and that foolish, dreary life have now come to an end! I praise you, Siddhartha. After so many years of foolishness, you have had an idea again. You have done something. You have heard the bird singing in your chest and followed it!

Thus he praised himself, found joy in himself, listened curiously to his stomach, which was rumbling with hunger. He had now, so he felt, in these recent times and days, completely tasted and spit out, devoured up to the point of desperation and death, a piece of suffering, a piece of misery. Like this, it was good. For much longer, he could have stayed with Kamaswami, made money, wasted money, filled his stomach, and let his soul die of thirst; for much longer he could have lived in this soft, well upholstered hell, if this had not happened: the moment of complete hopelessness and despair, that most extreme moment, when he hung over the rushing waters and was ready to destroy himself. That he had felt this despair, this deep disgust, and that he had not succumbed to it, that the bird, the joyful source and voice in him was still alive after all, this was why he felt joy, this was why he laughed, this was why his face was smiling brightly under his hair which had turned gray.

So he praised himself and found joy in himself. He listened curiously to his stomach, which was rumbling with hunger. He felt that in recent days he had fully tasted and spit out a portion of suffering and misery. He had devoured it to the point of desperation and death. This was good. He could have stayed with Kamaswami much longer, making money, wasting it, filling his stomach, and letting his soul die of thirst. He could have lived much longer in this soft, well-cushioned hell if the moment of complete hopelessness and despair had not come. At that most extreme moment, he had hung over the rushing water, ready to destroy himself. He had felt this despair and deep disgust, yet he had not given in to them. The bird, the joyful source and voice within him, was still alive after all. That was why he felt joy, why he laughed, and why his face smiled brightly beneath his hair, which had turned gray.

“It is good,” he thought, “to get a taste of everything for oneself, which one needs to know. That lust for the world and riches do not belong to the good things, I have already learned as a child. I have known it for a long time, but I have experienced only now. And now I know it, don’t just know it in my memory, but in my eyes, in my heart, in my stomach. Good for me, to know this!”

“It is good,” he thought, “to experience for yourself everything you need to know. As a child, I learned that desire for worldly pleasures and riches is not a good thing. I have known this for a long time, but only now have I experienced it. Now I know it not just in my memory, but in my eyes, my heart, and my stomach. It is good for me to know this!”

For a long time, he pondered his transformation, listened to the bird, as it sang for joy. Had not this bird died in him, had he not felt its death? No, something else from within him had died, something which already for a long time had yearned to die. Was it not this what he used to intend to kill in his ardent years as a penitent? Was this not his self, his small, frightened, and proud self, he had wrestled with for so many years, which had defeated him again and again, which was back again after every killing, prohibited joy, felt fear? Was it not this, which today had finally come to its death, here in the forest, by this lovely river? Was it not due to this death, that he was now like a child, so full of trust, so without fear, so full of joy?

For a long time, he thought about his transformation and listened to the bird singing with joy. Had this bird not died inside him? Had he not felt its death? No, something else inside him had died, something that had long wanted to die. Was this not what he had tried to kill during his passionate years as a penitent? Was it not his self, his small, frightened, proud self? He had wrestled with it for so many years, and it had defeated him again and again. Each time he killed it, it came back, forbidding joy and feeling fear. Had this self not finally died today, here in the forest, by this lovely river? Was it not because of this death that he was now like a child, so trusting, fearless, and joyful?

Now Siddhartha also got some idea of why he had fought this self in vain as a Brahman, as a penitent. Too much knowledge had held him back, too many holy verses, too many sacrificial rules, to much self-castigation, so much doing and striving for that goal! Full of arrogance, he had been, always the smartest, always working the most, always one step ahead of all others, always the knowing and spiritual one, always the priest or wise one. Into being a priest, into this arrogance, into this spirituality, his self had retreated, there it sat firmly and grew, while he thought he would kill it by fasting and penance. Now he saw it and saw that the secret voice had been right, that no teacher would ever have been able to bring about his salvation. Therefore, he had to go out into the world, lose himself to lust and power, to woman and money, had to become a merchant, a dice-gambler, a drinker, and a greedy person, until the priest and Samana in him was dead. Therefore, he had to continue bearing these ugly years, bearing the disgust, the teachings, the pointlessness of a dreary and wasted life up to the end, up to bitter despair, until Siddhartha the lustful, Siddhartha the greedy could also die. He had died, a new Siddhartha had woken up from the sleep. He would also grow old, he would also eventually have to die, mortal was Siddhartha, mortal was every physical form. But today he was young, was a child, the new Siddhartha, and was full of joy.

Now Siddhartha also began to understand why he had struggled in vain against his self as a Brahman and a penitent. Too much knowledge had held him back, along with too many holy verses, sacrificial rules, and acts of self-punishment. He had done and striven so much to reach that goal! He had been full of arrogance. He was always the smartest, always working the hardest, always one step ahead of everyone else. He was always the knowledgeable and spiritual one, always the priest or wise man. His self had taken refuge in his role as a priest, in his arrogance and spirituality. There it had settled firmly and grown, while he believed he was killing it through fasting and penance. Now he saw this and knew that the secret voice had been right. No teacher could ever have brought about his salvation. So he had to go out into the world and lose himself to lust and power, women and money. He had to become a merchant, a gambler, a drinker, and a greedy man. He had to live this way until the priest and Samana in him were dead. So he had to endure those ugly years to the end. He had to endure the disgust, the lessons, and the pointlessness of a dreary, wasted life. He had to reach bitter despair before Siddhartha the lustful and Siddhartha the greedy could also die. That Siddhartha had died, and a new Siddhartha had awakened from sleep. He too would grow old and eventually die. Siddhartha was mortal, as was every physical form. But today the new Siddhartha was young, a child, and full of joy.

He thought these thoughts, listened with a smile to his stomach, listened gratefully to a buzzing bee. Cheerfully, he looked into the rushing river, never before he had liked a water so well as this one, never before he had perceived the voice and the parable of the moving water thus strongly and beautifully. It seemed to him, as if the river had something special to tell him, something he did not know yet, which was still awaiting him. In this river, Siddhartha had intended to drown himself, in it the old, tired, desperate Siddhartha had drowned today. But the new Siddhartha felt a deep love for this rushing water, and decided for himself, not to leave it very soon.

As he thought these thoughts, he smiled and listened to his stomach. He listened gratefully to a buzzing bee. Cheerfully, he gazed into the rushing river. He had never liked any water as much as this. Never before had he sensed the voice and the lesson of moving water so strongly and beautifully. It seemed as if the river had something special to tell him, something he did not yet know and that still awaited him. Siddhartha had intended to drown himself in this river. Today, the old, tired, desperate Siddhartha had drowned in it. But the new Siddhartha felt a deep love for the rushing water and decided not to leave it anytime soon.