Chapter 19

In this [time] I would have looked up from the Cross, but I durst not. For I wist well that while I beheld in the Cross I was surely-safe; therefore I would not assent to put my soul in peril: for away from the Cross was no sureness, for frighting of fiends.

At this time, I wanted to look away from the Cross, but I did not dare. I knew well that as long as I looked at the Cross, I was safe. So I would not agree to put my soul in danger. Away from the Cross, there was no safety from the terror of fiends.

Then had I a proffer in my reason,¹ as if it had been friendly said to me: Look up to Heaven to His Father. And then saw I well, with the faith that I felt, that there was nothing betwixt the Cross and Heaven that might have harmed me. Either me behoved to look up or else to answer. I answered inwardly with all the might of my soul, and said: Nay; I may not: for Thou art my Heaven. This I said for that I would not. For I would liever have been in that pain till Doomsday than to come to Heaven otherwise than by Him. For I wist well that He that bound me so sore, He should unbind me when that He would. Thus was I learned to choose Jesus to my Heaven, whom I saw only in pain at that time: meliked no other Heaven than Jesus, which shall be my bliss when I come there.

Then a suggestion came to my mind,¹ as if someone had said to me in a friendly way: Look up to Heaven, to his Father. Then, through the faith I felt, I saw clearly that nothing between the Cross and Heaven could harm me. I had either to look up or to answer. Inwardly, with all the strength of my soul, I answered: No, I cannot, for you are my Heaven. I said I could not because I would not. For I would rather have remained in that pain until Judgment Day than come to Heaven any other way than through him. I knew well that he who bound me so tightly would free me whenever he wished. In this way I was taught to choose Jesus as my Heaven, though at that time I saw him only in pain. I wanted no Heaven but Jesus, who will be my joy when I come there.

And this hath ever been a comfort to me, that I chose Jesus to my Heaven, by His grace, in all this time of Passion and sorrow; and that hath been a learning to me that I should evermore do so: choose only Jesus to my Heaven in weal and woe.

It has always comforted me that, by his grace, I chose Jesus as my heaven throughout this time of suffering and sorrow. This taught me always to do the same: to choose only Jesus as my heaven in good times and bad.

And though I as a wretched creature had repented me (I said afore if I had wist what pain it would be, I had been loth to have prayed), here saw I truly that it was reluctance and frailty of the flesh without assent of the soul: to which God assigneth no blame. Repenting and willing choice be two contraries which I felt both in one at that time. And these be [of our] two parts: the one outward, the other inward. The outward part is our deadly flesh-hood, which is now in pain and woe, and shall be, in this life: whereof I felt much in this time; and that part it was that repented. The inward part is an high, blissful life, which is all in peace and in love: and this was more inwardly felt; and this part is [that] in which mightily, wisely and with steadfast will I chose Jesus to my Heaven.

Though I had regretted my prayer as a wretched creature, I saw the truth here. I said earlier that, if I had known how much pain it would bring, I would have been reluctant to pray. But I saw that this reluctance came from the weakness of the flesh, without my soul’s consent. God assigns no blame for it. Regret and willing choice are opposites, yet I felt both at once. They belong to our two parts, one outward and the other inward. The outward part is our mortal flesh, which suffers pain and sorrow now and throughout this life. I felt much of this suffering at that time, and it was my outward part that regretted the prayer. The inward part is a high, blissful life, all peace and love. I felt this part more deeply. And with this part, I chose Jesus as my heaven, with power, wisdom, and a steadfast will.

And in this I saw verily that the inward part is master and sovereign to the outward, and doth not charge itself with, nor take heed to, the will of that: but all the intent and will is set to be oned unto our Lord Jesus. That the outward part should draw the inward to assent was not shewed to me; but that the inward draweth the outward by grace, and both shall be oned in bliss without end, by the virtue of Christ,—this was shewed.

And in this I saw clearly that the inner part rules over the outer part. It does not concern itself with or pay attention to the outer part’s will. Instead, all its intention and will are set on being united with our Lord Jesus. I was not shown that the outer part draws the inner part to agree with it. But I was shown that the inner part, through grace, draws the outer part. And this was shown to me: both shall be united in endless bliss through the power of Christ.