Chapter 50

And in this life mercy and forgiveness is our way and evermore leadeth us to grace. And by the tempest and the sorrow that we fall into on our part, we be often dead as to man's doom in earth; but in the sight of God the soul that shall be saved was never dead, nor ever shall be.

In this life, mercy and forgiveness are our path, and they always lead us to grace. Because of the turmoil and sorrow we fall into through our own actions, people on earth often judge us dead. But in God’s sight, the soul that will be saved has never been dead and never will be.

But yet here I wondered and marvelled with all the diligence of my soul, saying thus within me: Good Lord, I see Thee that art very Truth; and I know in truth¹ that we sin grievously every day and be much blameworthy; and I may neither leave the knowing of Thy truth,² nor do I see Thee shew to us any manner of blame. How may this be?

But still I wondered and marveled with all the attention of my soul, saying to myself: Good Lord, I see you, who are truth itself. And I know in truth¹ that we sin grievously every day and are very much to blame. Yet I cannot give up knowing your truth,² and I do not see you show us any blame. How can this be?

For I knew by the common teaching of Holy Church and by mine own feeling, that the blame of our sin continually hangeth upon us, from the first man unto the time that we come up unto heaven: then was this my marvel that I saw our Lord God shewing to us no more blame than if we were as clean and as holy as Angels be in heaven. And between these two contraries my reason was greatly travailed through my blindness, and could have no rest for dread that His blessed presence should pass from my sight and I be left in unknowing [of] how He beholdeth us in our sin. For either [it] behoved me to see in God that sin was all done away, or else me behoved to see in God how He seeth it, whereby I might truly know how it belongeth to me to see sin, and the manner of our blame. My longing endured, Him continually beholding;—and yet I could have no patience for great straits³ and perplexity, thinking: If I take it thus that we be no sinners and not blameworthy, it seemeth as I should err and fail of knowing of this truth⁴; and if it be so that we be sinners and blameworthy,—Good Lord, how may it then be that I cannot see this true thing⁵ in Thee, which art my God, my Maker, in whom I desire to see all truths?⁶

I knew from the common teaching of Holy Church and from my own experience that the blame for our sin hangs over us continually. It has done so from the first man and will continue until we reach heaven. Yet I was amazed to see our Lord God show us no more blame than if we were as pure and holy as angels in heaven. These two things seemed to contradict each other. In my blindness, my reason struggled greatly with them and could find no rest. I feared that his blessed presence would pass from my sight, leaving me without knowing how he sees us in our sin. For I needed either to see in God that sin was entirely done away with, or to see how he sees it. Then I could truly know how I should see sin and understand the nature of our blame. I continued to long for this understanding as I kept looking at him. Yet I could not be patient, because of my great distress³ and perplexity. I thought: If I take it that we are not sinners and deserve no blame, I seem to be making a mistake and failing to recognize this truth⁴. But if we are sinners and deserve blame, good Lord, how can it be that I cannot see this true thing⁵ in you? You are my God, my Maker, in whom I desire to see all truths.⁶

For three points make me hardy to ask it. The first is, because it is so low a thing: for if it were an high thing I should be a-dread. The second is, that it is so common: for if it were special and privy, also I should be a-dread. The third is, that it needeth me to know it (as methinketh) if I shall live here for knowing of good and evil, whereby I may, by reason and grace, the more dispart them asunder, and love goodness and hate evil, as Holy Church teacheth. I cried inwardly, with all my might seeking unto God for help, saying thus: Ah! Lord Jesus, King of bliss, how shall I be eased? Who shall teach me and tell me that [thing] me needeth to know, if I may not at this time see it in Thee?

Three things give me courage to ask it. First, it is such a humble thing. If it were a lofty thing, I would be afraid. Second, it is so common. If it were special and hidden, I would also be afraid. Third, it seems to me that I need to know it if I am to live here knowing good and evil. Then, through reason and grace, I may better distinguish between them, love goodness, and hate evil, as Holy Church teaches. I cried out inwardly, seeking God’s help with all my might, saying: Ah! Lord Jesus, King of bliss, how shall I find relief? Who will teach me and tell me what I need to know, if I cannot see it in you now?