Chapter 3

And when I was thirty years old and a half, God sent me a bodily sickness, in which I lay three days and three nights; and on the fourth night I took all my rites of Holy Church, and weened not to have lived till day. And after this I languored forth¹ two days and two nights, and on the third night I weened oftentimes to have passed;² and so weened they that were with me.

When I was thirty and a half years old, God sent me a bodily illness. I lay sick for three days and three nights. On the fourth night, I received all the rites of the Holy Church. I did not expect to live until morning. After this, I remained weak and ill¹ for two days and two nights. On the third night, I often thought I was about to die.² Those who were with me thought so too.

And being in youth as yet, I thought it great sorrow to die;—but for nothing that was in earth that meliked to live for, nor for no pain that I had fear of: for I trusted in God of His mercy. But it was to have lived that I might have loved God better, and longer time, that I might have the more knowing and loving of God in bliss of Heaven. For methought all the time that I had lived here so little and so short in regard of that endless bliss,—I thought [it was as] nothing. Wherefore I thought: Good Lord, may my living no longer be to Thy worship!³ And I understood by my reason and by my feeling of my pains that I should die; and I assented fully with all the will of my heart to be at God's will.

I was still young, and I thought it would be a great sorrow to die. This was not because of anything on earth that I wanted to live for, or because I feared any pain. I trusted in God’s mercy. Rather, I wanted to live so that I might love God better and longer. Then I would know and love God more in the bliss of heaven. It seemed to me that all the time I had lived here was so little and so short. Compared with that endless bliss, I thought it was nothing. So I thought: Good Lord, can my life no longer bring you glory!³ My reason and the pain I felt told me that I would die. And I agreed with all my heart to accept God’s will.

Thus I dured till day, and by then my body was dead from the middle downwards, as to my feeling. Then was I minded to be set upright, backward leaning, with help,—for to have more freedom of my heart to be at God's will, and thinking on God while my life would last.

I remained like this until daybreak. By then, I felt as though my body was dead from the waist down. I wanted to be helped into an upright position, leaning back. This would give my heart more freedom to submit to God’s will and think of God as long as I lived.

My Curate was sent for to be at my ending, and by that time when he came I had set my eyes, and might⁴ not speak. He set the Cross before my face and said: I have brought thee the Image of thy Maker and Saviour: look thereupon and comfort thee therewith.

My curate was sent for to attend me as I died. By the time he came, my eyes were fixed, and I could⁴ not speak. He held the cross before my face and said: I have brought you the image of your Maker and Savior. Look at it and take comfort from it.

Methought I was well [as it was], for my eyes were set uprightward unto Heaven, where I trusted to come by the mercy of God; but nevertheless I assented to set my eyes on the face of the Crucifix, if I might;⁵ and so I did. For methought I might longer dure to look even-forth⁶ than right up.

I thought I was fine as I was. My eyes were turned up toward Heaven, where I trusted I would come by God’s mercy. But I agreed to look at the face on the Crucifix, if I could,⁵ and I did. For I thought I could keep looking straight ahead⁶ longer than I could look straight up.

After this my sight began to fail, and it was all dark about me in the chamber, as if it had been night, save in the Image of the Cross whereon I beheld a common light; and I wist not how. All that was away from⁷ the Cross was of horror to me, as if it had been greatly occupied by the fiends.

After this, my sight began to fail, and the room around me grew dark, as if it were night. Only the image of the Cross had ordinary light on it, and I did not know how. Everything away from⁷ the Cross filled me with horror, as if it were crowded with demons.

After this the upper⁸ part of my body began to die, so far forth that scarcely I had any feeling;—with shortness of breath. And then I weened in sooth to have passed.

After this, the upper⁸ part of my body began to die, until I could hardly feel anything. I was short of breath. Then I truly thought I was dying.

And in this [moment] suddenly all my pain was taken from me, and I was as whole (and specially in the upper part of my body) as ever I was afore.

And at this [moment], all my pain suddenly left me. I was as well as I had ever been before, especially in the upper part of my body.

I marvelled at this sudden change; for methought it was a privy working of God, and not of nature. And yet by the feeling of this ease I trusted never the more to live; nor was the feeling of this ease any full ease unto me: for methought I had liefer have been delivered from this world.

I was amazed by this sudden change. It seemed to me to be the secret work of God, not of nature. Yet the relief did not make me any more confident that I would live. Nor did it bring me complete comfort, for I thought I would rather have been delivered from this world.

Then came suddenly to my mind that I should desire the second wound of our Lord's gracious gift: that my body might be fulfilled with mind and feeling of His blessed Passion. For I would that His pains were my pains, with compassion and afterward longing to God. But in this I desired never bodily sight nor shewing of God, but compassion such as a kind⁹ soul might have with our Lord Jesus, that for love would be a mortal man: and therefore I desired to suffer with Him.

Then it suddenly came to mind that I should desire the second wound of our Lord’s gracious gift. I wanted my body to be filled with the memory and feeling of his blessed suffering. I wanted his pains to be my pains, through compassion and then longing for God. But I never desired to see God with my bodily eyes or receive a vision of him. I wanted only the compassion a loving⁹ soul might feel for our Lord Jesus, who for love chose to become a mortal man. That is why I wanted to suffer with him.