Chapter 5

And so, after a few days, I returned to Paris, and there for several years I peacefully directed the school which formerly had been destined for me, nay, even offered to me, but from which I had been driven out. At the very outset of my work there, I set about completing the glosses on Ezekiel which I had begun at Laon. These proved so satisfactory to all who read them that they came to believe me no less adept in lecturing on theology than I had proved myself to be in the held of philosophy. Thus my school was notably increased in size by reason of my lectures on subjects of both these kinds, and the amount of financial profit as well as glory which it brought me cannot be concealed from you, for the matter was widely talked of. But prosperity always puffs up the foolish, and worldly comfort enervates the soul, rendering it an easy prey to carnal temptations. Thus I, who by this time had come to regard myself as the only philosopher remaining in the whole world, and had ceased to fear any further disturbance of my peace, began to loosen the rein on my desires, although hitherto I had always lived in the utmost continence. And the greater progress I made in my lecturing on philosophy or theology, the more I departed alike from the practice of the philosophers and the spirit of the divines in the uncleanness of my life. For it is well known, methinks, that philosophers, and still more those who have devoted their lives to arousing the love of sacred study, have been strong above all else in the beauty of chastity.

A few days later, I returned to Paris. For several years, I peacefully ran the school that had once been intended for me and even offered to me, but from which I had been driven out. As soon as I began teaching there, I set about completing the commentaries on Ezekiel that I had begun at Laon. All who read them were so pleased that they came to believe I was as skilled at lecturing on theology as I had proved myself in philosophy. As a result, my school grew considerably because I lectured on both subjects. I cannot conceal how much profit and glory the school brought me, since the matter was widely discussed. But prosperity always makes fools proud, and worldly comfort weakens the soul, making it easy prey to desires of the flesh. By this time, I had come to regard myself as the only philosopher left in the world. I no longer feared any further disturbance of my peace. So I began to give my desires freer rein, although until then I had always lived with the utmost restraint. And the more progress I made in lecturing on philosophy or theology, the further my impure life strayed from both the practice of philosophers and the spirit of theologians. For I think it is well known that philosophers have been distinguished above all by the beauty of their chastity. This is even more true of those who have devoted their lives to inspiring a love of sacred study.

Thus did it come to pass that while I was utterly absorbed in pride and sensuality, divine grace, the cure for both diseases, was forced upon me, even though I, forsooth, would fain have shunned it. First was I punished for my sensuality, and then for my pride. For my sensuality I lost those things whereby I practiced it; for my pride, engendered in me by my knowledge of letters—and it is even as the Apostle said: "Knowledge puffeth itself up" (I Cor. viii, 1)—I knew the humiliation of seeing burned the very book in which I most gloried. And now it is my desire that you should know the stories of these two happenings, understanding them more truly from learning the very facts than from hearing what is spoken of them, and in the order in which they came about. Because I had ever held in abhorrence the foulness of prostitutes, because I had diligently kept myself from all excesses and from association with the women of noble birth who attended the school, because I knew so little of the common talk of ordinary people, perverse and subtly flattering chance gave birth to an occasion for casting me lightly down from the heights of my own exaltation. Nay, in such case not even divine goodness could redeem one who, having been so proud, was brought to such shame, were it not for the blessed gift of grace.

While I was utterly absorbed in pride and sensuality, divine grace was forced upon me as a cure for both diseases. I, of course, would gladly have avoided it. First I was punished for my sensuality, and then for my pride. For my sensuality, I lost the parts of my body by which I practiced it. My pride came from my learning, just as the Apostle said: "Knowledge puffeth itself up" (I Cor. viii, 1). For that pride, I suffered the humiliation of seeing the very book I was proudest of burned. Now I want you to know the stories of these two events, in the order they happened. By learning the facts, you will understand them more truly than you would from what people say about them. I had always hated the filth of prostitutes. I had carefully kept myself from all excesses and from associating with the noblewomen who attended the school. I also knew little of the everyday talk of ordinary people. Because of this, perverse and subtly flattering chance found an opportunity to cast me down easily from my lofty self-esteem. Indeed, not even divine goodness could redeem a man who had been so proud and brought to such shame, were it not for the blessed gift of grace.