The Universal Colour Bill

But meanwhile the intellectual Arts were fast decaying.

But meanwhile, the intellectual arts were rapidly declining.

The Art of Sight Recognition, being no longer needed, was no longer practised; and the studies of Geometry, Statics, Kinetics, and other kindred subjects, came soon to be considered superfluous, and fell into disrespect and neglect even at our University. The inferior Art of Feeling speedily experienced the same fate at our Elementary Schools. Then the Isosceles classes, asserting that the Specimens were no longer used nor needed, and refusing to pay the customary tribute from the Criminal classes to the service of Education, waxed daily more numerous and more insolent on the strength of their immunity from the old burden which had formerly exercised the twofold wholesome effect of at once taming their brutal nature and thinning their excessive numbers.

The Art of Sight Recognition was no longer needed, so it was no longer practised. Geometry, Statics, Kinetics, and related subjects soon came to be seen as unnecessary. Even at our University, these studies lost respect and were neglected. The inferior Art of Feeling soon met the same fate at our Elementary Schools. Then the Isosceles classes declared that the Specimens were no longer used or needed. They refused to provide the customary tribute from the Criminal classes for Education. Freed from this old burden, the Isosceles classes grew more numerous and more insolent every day. The burden had previously served two beneficial purposes: taming their brutal nature and reducing their excessive numbers.

Year by year the Soldiers and Artisans began more vehemently to assert—and with increasing truth—that there was no great difference between them and the very highest class of Polygons, now that they were raised to an equality with the latter, and enabled to grapple with all the difficulties and solve all the problems of life, whether Statical or Kinetical, by the simple process of Colour Recognition. Not content with the natural neglect into which Sight Recognition was falling, they began boldly to demand the legal prohibition of all "monopolizing and aristocratic Arts" and the consequent abolition of all endowments for the studies of Sight Recognition, Mathematics, and Feeling. Soon, they began to insist that inasmuch as Colour, which was a second Nature, had destroyed the need of aristocratic distinctions, the Law should follow in the same path, and that henceforth all individuals and all classes should be recognized as absolutely equal and entitled to equal rights.

Year by year, the Soldiers and Artisans argued more forcefully that little separated them from the very highest class of Polygons. Their claim was increasingly true, now that Colour Recognition had put them on equal terms with those Polygons. Simply by recognizing Colour, they could tackle all life's difficulties and solve all its problems, whether Statical or Kinetical. But they were not content to let Sight Recognition fall naturally into neglect. They began boldly demanding a legal ban on all "monopolizing and aristocratic Arts". As a result, they wanted all funding for the study of Sight Recognition, Mathematics, and Feeling abolished. Soon, they began insisting that Colour, a second Nature, had removed the need for aristocratic distinctions. Since Colour had done this, the Law should follow the same path. From then on, all individuals and all classes should be recognized as absolutely equal and entitled to equal rights.

Finding the higher Orders wavering and undecided, the leaders of the Revolution advanced still further in their requirements, and at last demanded that all classes alike, the Priests and the Women not excepted, should do homage to Colour by submitting to be painted. When it was objected that Priests and Women had no sides, they retorted that Nature and Expediency concurred in dictating that the front half of every human being (that is to say, the half containing his eye and mouth) should be distinguishable from his hinder half. They therefore brought before a general and extraordinary Assembly of all the States of Flatland a Bill proposing that in every Woman the half containing the eye and mouth should be coloured red, and the other half green. The Priests were to be painted in the same way, red being applied to that semicircle in which the eye and mouth formed the middle point; while the other or hinder semicircle was to be coloured green.

Seeing the higher Orders hesitate, the leaders of the Revolution pushed their demands further. At last, the leaders demanded that all classes honor Colour by agreeing to be painted, including the Priests and Women. Critics objected that Priests and Women had no sides. The leaders replied that both Nature and practical necessity required everyone's front half to be distinguishable from their back half. The front half was the half containing the eye and mouth. The leaders therefore presented a Bill to a special general Assembly of all the States of Flatland. The Bill proposed painting the half of each Woman containing the eye and mouth red, and the other half green. The Priests were to be painted in the same way. The semicircle with the eye and mouth at its midpoint would be painted red. The other semicircle, forming the back half, would be painted green.

There was no little cunning in this proposal, which indeed emanated not from any Isosceles—for no being so degraded would have had angularity enough to appreciate, much less to devise, such a model of state-craft—but from an Irregular Circle who, instead of being destroyed in his childhood, was reserved by a foolish indulgence to bring desolation on his country and destruction on myriads of his followers.

There was considerable cunning in this proposal, which did not come from any Isosceles. For no being so degraded would have had enough angularity to appreciate, let alone devise, such masterful political strategy. Instead, the proposal came from an Irregular Circle who had been foolishly spared destruction in childhood. He lived to devastate his country and bring destruction on vast numbers of his followers.

On the one hand the proposition was calculated to bring the Women in all classes over to the side of the Chromatic Innovation. For by assigning to the Women the same two colours as were assigned to the Priests, the Revolutionists thereby ensured that, in certain positions, every Woman would appear like a Priest, and be treated with corresponding respect and deference—a prospect that could not fail to attract the Female Sex in a mass.

On the one hand, the proposal was designed to win Women of all classes over to the Chromatic Innovation. For the Revolutionists gave Women the same two colours as the Priests. This ensured that, in certain positions, every Woman would look like a Priest and receive the same respect and deference. Such a prospect was certain to appeal to Women as a whole.

But by some of my Readers the possibility of the identical appearance of Priests and Women, under the new Legislation, may not be recognized; if so, a word or two will make it obvious.

But some of my readers may not see how Priests and Women could look identical under the new laws. If so, a brief explanation will make the possibility clear.

Imagine a woman duly decorated, according to the new Code; with the front half (i.e. the half containing eye and mouth) red, and with the hinder half green. Look at her from one side. Obviously you will see a straight line, HALF RED, HALF GREEN.

Imagine a woman colored according to the new Code. Her front half (the half containing her eye and mouth) is red, and her back half is green. Look at her from one side. Obviously, you will see a straight line, HALF RED, HALF GREEN.

Now imagine a Priest, whose mouth is at M, and whose front semicircle (AMB) is consequently coloured red, while his hinder semicircle is green; so that the diameter AB divides the green from the red. If you contemplate the Great Man so as to have your eye in the same straight line as his dividing diameter (AB), what you will see will be a straight line (CBD), of which ONE HALF (CB) WILL BE RED, AND THE OTHER (BD) GREEN. The whole line (CD) will be rather shorter perhaps than that of a full-sized Woman, and will shade off more rapidly towards its extremities; but the identity of the colours would give you an immediate impression of identity of Class, making you neglectful of other details. Bear in mind the decay of Sight Recognition which threatened society at the time of the Colour Revolt; add too the certainty that Women would speedily learn to shade off their extremities so as to imitate the Circles; it must then be surely obvious to you, my dear Reader, that the Colour Bill placed us under a great danger of confounding a Priest with a young Woman.

Now imagine a Priest whose mouth is at M. His front semicircle (AMB) is therefore coloured red, while his rear semicircle is green. So the diameter AB separates the green from the red. Suppose you look at the Great Man with your eye on the same straight line as his dividing diameter (AB). You will see a straight line (CBD). ONE HALF (CB) WILL BE RED, AND THE OTHER (BD) GREEN. The whole line (CD) will perhaps be slightly shorter than the line of a full-sized Woman. It will also fade more rapidly towards its ends. But the matching colours would immediately suggest a matching Class, making you overlook other details. Remember how Sight Recognition was declining and threatening society at the time of the Colour Revolt. Remember, too, that Women would certainly soon learn to shade their ends to imitate the Circles. Surely, then, my dear Reader, the danger must be obvious to you. The Colour Bill put us at great risk of mistaking a Priest for a young Woman.

How attractive this prospect must have been to the Frail Sex may readily be imagined. They anticipated with delight the confusion that would ensue. At home they might hear political and ecclesiastical secrets intended not for them but for their husbands and brothers, and might even issue commands in the name of a priestly Circle; out of doors the striking combination of red and green, without addition of any other colours, would be sure to lead the common people into endless mistakes, and the Women would gain whatever the Circles lost, in the deference of the passers by. As for the scandal that would befall the Circular Class if the frivolous and unseemly conduct of the Women were imputed to them, and as to the consequent subversion of the Constitution, the Female Sex could not be expected to give a thought to these considerations. Even in the households of the Circles, the Women were all in favour of the Universal Colour Bill.

It is easy to imagine how appealing this prospect must have been to the Frail Sex. They looked forward with delight to the confusion that would follow. At home, they might hear political and church secrets meant not for them but for their husbands and brothers. They might even give orders in the name of a priestly Circle. Outdoors, the striking combination of red and green, with no other colours, would certainly lead ordinary people into endless mistakes. The Women would gain whatever respect the Circles lost among passers-by. If the Women's frivolous and improper conduct were attributed to the Circular Class, the resulting scandal would disgrace the Circles. But the Female Sex could not be expected to spare a thought for that scandal or the resulting undermining of the Constitution. Even in the households of the Circles, the Women were all in favour of the Universal Colour Bill.

The second object aimed at by the Bill was the gradual demoralization of the Circles themselves. In the general intellectual decay they still preserved their pristine clearness and strength of understanding. From their earliest childhood, familiarized in their Circular households with the total absence of Colour, the Nobles alone preserved the Sacred Art of Sight Recognition, with all the advantages that result from that admirable training of the intellect. Hence, up to the date of the introduction of the Universal Colour Bill, the Circles had not only held their own, but even increased their lead of the other classes by abstinence from the popular fashion.

The Bill’s second aim was to gradually corrupt the Circles themselves. Despite the general intellectual decline, the Circles still retained their original clarity and strength of understanding. From earliest childhood, the Nobles grew used to the complete absence of Colour in their Circular households. As a result, the Nobles alone preserved the Sacred Art of Sight Recognition. They also retained all the advantages of that excellent intellectual training. So, until the Universal Colour Bill was introduced, the Circles had not merely maintained their position. By avoiding the popular fashion, they had even widened their lead over the other classes.

Now therefore the artful Irregular whom I described above as the real author of this diabolical Bill, determined at one blow to lower the status of the Hierarchy by forcing them to submit to the pollution of Colour, and at the same time to destroy their domestic opportunities of training in the Art of Sight Recognition, so as to enfeeble their intellects by depriving them of their pure and colourless homes. Once subjected to the chromatic taint, every parental and every childish Circle would demoralize each other. Only in discerning between the Father and the Mother would the Circular infant find problems for the exercise of its understanding—problems too often likely to be corrupted by maternal impostures with the result of shaking the child's faith in all logical conclusions. Thus by degrees the intellectual lustre of the Priestly Order would wane, and the road would then lie open for a total destruction of all Aristocratic Legislature and for the subversion of our Privileged Classes.

So the cunning Irregular I described above, the true author of this diabolical Bill, planned to strike two blows at once. He would lower the status of the Hierarchy by forcing them to accept the pollution of Colour. At the same time, he would destroy their opportunities to train at home in the Art of Sight Recognition. By depriving them of their pure, colourless homes, he aimed to weaken their intellects. Once tainted by Colour, every Circle, parent and child alike, would corrupt the other. The Circular infant would find intellectual challenges only in distinguishing the Father from the Mother. Too often, the Mother's deceptions would likely distort these challenges, shaking the child's faith in all logical conclusions. In this way, the intellectual brilliance of the Priestly Order would gradually fade. The way would then be open to destroy all Aristocratic Legislature and overthrow our Privileged Classes.