The Beginning of the End

It had been decided that I should remain in H—— for the summer semester. Instead of staying in the house, we were almost always in the garden by the river. The Japanese, who by the way had been thoroughly beaten in the boxing match, was away, and the disciple of Tolstoy was also missing. Demian had procured a horse, and went for long rides every day. I was often alone with his mother.

It had been decided that I would stay in H-- for the summer semester. Instead of staying in the house, we spent almost all our time in the garden by the river. The Japanese man was away. He had, by the way, been thoroughly beaten in the boxing match. The follower of Tolstoy was also away. Demian had gotten a horse and went on long rides every day. I was often alone with his mother.

Sometimes I wondered greatly at the peaceableness of my life. I had been so long accustomed to being alone, to practise renunciation, to fight toilfully my own battles, that these months in H—— seemed to me like a time passed on a dream island, where I might live tranquilly in beautiful, enchanted surroundings. I felt that this was a foretaste of that new, higher community, on which we meditated. And now and then I was seized by a deep feeling of sadness, for I knew that this happiness could not last. I was not destined to breathe in the fulness of peace and comfort, I needed torment to spur me on. I felt that one day I should wake up from these dreams of beautiful love-pictures to find myself standing once more alone, in the cold world of others, where for me there would be only loneliness and fighting, no peace, no community of spirit.

Sometimes I was amazed at how peaceful my life was. I had grown so used to being alone, giving things up, and struggling through my own battles. The months in H—— felt like time spent on a dream island. There I could live peacefully in beautiful, enchanted surroundings. I felt that this was a foretaste of the new, higher community we reflected on. Now and then, a deep sadness came over me, because I knew this happiness could not last. I was not meant to enjoy peace and comfort fully. I needed torment to drive me on. I felt that one day I would wake from these dreams of beautiful images of love. I would find myself alone again in the cold world of others. There, I would have only loneliness and struggle, with no peace and no shared spirit.

Then I yielded myself to the charms of Mother Eve’s presence. My feeling for her was now doubly tender. I was glad that my fate bore still these beautiful, tranquil features.

Then I let myself be drawn in by the charm of Mother Eve’s presence. My feelings for her were now twice as tender. I was glad that my fate still had these beautiful, peaceful features.

The summer weeks passed quickly and easily. Already the semester was drawing to a close. Leave-taking was near, I dared not think of it, and did not, but clung to the beautiful days like a butterfly to a honeyed flower. That was my period of happiness, the first fulfillment of my life’s wishes, and my reception into the league—what was to come next? I would again have to fight my battles, be consumed by longing, have dreams, be alone.

The summer weeks passed quickly and easily. The semester was already coming to an end. Soon it would be time to say goodbye. I didn’t dare think about it, and I didn’t. Instead, I clung to the beautiful days like a butterfly to a flower full of nectar. This was my time of happiness, when my life’s wishes were first fulfilled and I was welcomed into the league. What would come next? I would have to fight my battles again, be consumed by longing, have dreams, and be alone.

At this time the feeling, the foretaste of separation, came over me so strongly that my love for Mother Eve blazed up suddenly, causing me pain. My God! how soon would the time come to say good-bye, and I should see her no more, no more hear her firm step in the house, should find no more her flowers on my table! And what had I attained? I had dreamed and had lulled myself in comfort, instead of winning her, instead of fighting for her and drawing her to me for always! All that she had said to me about genuine love crossed my mind, hundreds of fine, suggestive words, a hundred tender invitations, promises perhaps—and what had I made of them? Nothing! Nothing!

At this time, the feeling that we would soon be separated came over me so strongly that my love for Mother Eve suddenly blazed up, causing me pain. My God! How soon would I have to say goodbye? I would never see her again, never hear her firm step in the house, never find her flowers on my table again! And what had I achieved? I had dreamed and let myself grow comfortable instead of winning her. I should have fought for her and drawn her to me forever! I remembered all she had told me about true love. Hundreds of beautiful, suggestive words came to mind, a hundred tender invitations, perhaps even promises. And what had I made of them? Nothing! Nothing!

I took up a position in the middle of my room, collected my whole conscious self together and thought of Eve. I wished to concentrate the forces of my soul, in order to let her feel my love, in order to draw her to me. She was to come, longing for my embrace. My kisses were to suck insatiably the ripe fruit of her lips.

I stood in the middle of my room, gathered all my conscious thoughts, and thought of Eve. I wanted to focus the forces of my soul so she would feel my love and be drawn to me. She would come, longing for my embrace. My kisses would drink insatiably from the ripe fruit of her lips.

I stood tense, until fingers and feet became stiff with cold. I felt force was going out of me. For a few seconds something seemed to take shape with me, something bright and cool; I had for a moment the sensation as if I carried a crystal in my heart, and I knew that was myself. A cold chill pierced to my heart.

I stood tense until my fingers and feet grew stiff with cold. I felt my strength draining away. For a few seconds, something bright and cool seemed to take shape within me. For a moment, I felt as if I carried a crystal in my heart, and I knew it was myself. A chill pierced my heart.

As I woke out of my fearful state of tension I felt something was approaching. I was exhausted to the point of death, but I was prepared to see Eve step into the room, burning with passion, ravished.

As I emerged from my fearful tension, I felt something approaching. I was exhausted to the point of death. But I was ready to see Eve enter the room, burning with passion and overcome with ecstasy.

The sound of horse’s hoofs clattering down the long street rang nearer and nearer, then suddenly ceased. I sprang to the window. Below Demian was dismounting.

The sound of a horse’s hooves clattering down the long street grew closer and closer, then suddenly stopped. I rushed to the window. Below, Demian was getting off his horse.

“What is the matter, Demian? Nothing can have happened to your mother?”

“What’s wrong, Demian? Nothing has happened to your mother, has it?”

He did not listen to my words. He was very pale, and perspiration ran down both sides of his forehead over his cheeks. His horse was flecked with foam. He tied the reins to the garden fence, then he took my arm and walked with me down the street.

He did not listen to what I said. He was very pale, and sweat ran down both sides of his forehead and over his cheeks. His horse was speckled with foam. He tied the reins to the garden fence, then took my arm and walked with me down the street.

“Have you already heard the news?” I had heard nothing.

“Have you heard the news yet?” I hadn’t heard anything.

Demian pressed my arm and turned his face to me, with a dark, compassionate, singular look.

Demian squeezed my arm and turned to me with a dark, compassionate, unusual look.

“Yes, old man, now we’re in for it. You know of the strained relations with Russia——”

“Yes, old man, now we’re in for it. You know about the tensions with Russia...”

“What? Is it war? I had never believed it.”

“What? Is there a war? I had never believed it.”

He spoke in an undertone, although no one was near.

He spoke quietly, although no one was nearby.

“It is not yet declared. But it’s war. Rely on it. I haven’t worried you lately, but I have seen three new omens since. It will be no foundering of the world, no earthquake, no revolution. It’s war. You will see how that strikes everybody. It will be a joy to people; everyone already rejoices that hostilities are about to commence. So insipid has life become for them. But you will see now, Sinclair, that is only the beginning. This will perhaps be a great war, a very great war. The new dispensation commences and for those who adhere to the old, the new will be terrible. What will you do?”

“War has not yet been declared. But it is coming. You can count on it. I haven’t worried you lately, but since then I’ve seen three new omens. It won’t be the end of the world, an earthquake, or a revolution. It’s war. You’ll see how it affects everyone. People will be glad. Everyone is already rejoicing that the fighting is about to begin. Life has become so dull for them. But you’ll see now, Sinclair, that this is only the beginning. This may be a great war, a very great war. A new order is beginning, and for those who cling to the old, the new will be terrible. What will you do?”

I was perplexed, everything sounded so strange and improbable.

I was confused. Everything sounded so strange and unlikely.

“I don’t know—and you?”

“I don’t know. Do you?”

He shrugged his shoulders.

He shrugged.

“As soon as mobilization orders are out, I join up. I am a lieutenant.”

“As soon as mobilization orders are issued, I’ll join up. I’m a lieutenant.”

“You? I had no idea of that.”

“You? I didn’t know that.”

“Yes. It was one of my adaptations. You know, I have never wanted to appear out of the ordinary, and have rather done too much, in order to be correct, to do the right thing. In eight days, I think, I shall be already in the field.”

“Yes. It was one of the ways I adapted. You know, I’ve never wanted to stand out. If anything, I’ve tried too hard to behave properly and do the right thing. I think I’ll already be in the field in eight days.”

“For God’s sake!”

“For God’s sake!”

“Look here, old fellow, you mustn’t take things so sentimentally. At bottom it certainly won’t give me pleasure to order machine gunfire to be turned on living creatures, but that is a secondary matter. Now each one of us will be seized by the great wheel of fate. You as well. You will certainly be called up.”

“Look, old friend, you mustn’t be so sentimental about these things. Of course, I won’t enjoy ordering machine gun fire on living creatures, but that’s a secondary concern. Now the great wheel of fate will catch up each of us. You too. You’ll certainly be called up.”

“And your mother, Demian?”

“And your mother, Demian?”

Then for the first time I recollected what I was doing a quarter of an hour before. How the world had changed! I had summoned together all my force in order to conjure up the sweetest picture, and now fate had suddenly put on a new, horrible mask.

Then, for the first time, I remembered what I had been doing fifteen minutes earlier. How the world had changed! I had gathered all my strength to summon the sweetest picture, and now fate had suddenly put on a new, horrible mask.

“My mother? We need have no cares for her safety. She is safe, safer than anyone else in the world to-day. You love her so very much?”

“My mother? We don't need to worry about her safety. She's safe, safer than anyone else in the world today. Do you love her that much?”

“You knew it, Demian?” He laughed brightly and without any embarrassment.

“You knew it, Demian?” He laughed cheerfully, without any embarrassment.

“You child! Naturally I knew it. No one has yet called my mother Mother Eve without loving her. By the way, how was that? You have called to either her or myself to-day, haven’t you?”

“You child! Of course I knew. No one has ever called my mother Mother Eve without loving her. By the way, how did that happen? You called out to her or me today, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I called—I called to Mother Eve.”

“Yes, I called. I called to Mother Eve.”

“She felt it. She suddenly sent me away, I was to come to you. I had just told her the news about Russia.”

“She felt it. She suddenly sent me away and told me to come to you. I had just told her the news about Russia.”

We turned back, scarcely speaking, he untied his horse and mounted.

We turned back, hardly speaking. He untied his horse and got on.

I first realized in my room how exhausted I was by Demian’s message, and even more so by my previous spiritual exertions. But Mother Eve had heard me! My thoughts had reached her. She would have come herself, if—how wonderful all this was, and how beautiful! Now it was to be war. Now what we had so often spoken of was about to happen. And Demian had known so much in advance. How strange that the world’s stream would no longer flow somewhere or other by us—that now it was suddenly flowing through us, that fate and adventure called us, and that now, or soon, the moment would come when the world would need us, when it would be transformed. Demian was right, one should not be sentimental over it. Only it was strange that I was now to experience that lonely thing, “fate,” with so many, with the whole world. Good then!

Only when I reached my room did I realize how exhausted Demian’s message had left me. My earlier spiritual struggles had exhausted me even more. But Mother Eve had heard me! My thoughts had reached her. She would have come herself, if... How wonderful and beautiful it all was! Now there would be war. What we had so often spoken of was about to happen. And Demian had known so much beforehand. How strange that the world’s stream would no longer flow somewhere past us. Now it was suddenly flowing through us. Fate and adventure were calling us. Now, or soon, the moment would come when the world would need us, when it would be transformed. Demian was right. There was no reason to be sentimental about it. Still, it was strange that I would now experience that lonely thing, “fate,” with so many others, with the whole world. Well then!

I was ready. In the evening, when I went through the town, every corner was alive with bustle and excitement. Everywhere the word “war”!

I was ready. That evening, I walked through town. Every corner was buzzing with activity and excitement. Everywhere I heard the word “war”!

I went to Mother Eve’s house. We had supper in the summer house. I was the only guest. No one spoke a word about the war. But later, shortly before I left, Mother Eve said: “Dear Sinclair, you called me to-day. You know why I did not come myself. But don’t forget, you know the call now and if ever you need someone who bears the sign, call me again.”

I went to Mother Eve’s house. We had dinner in the summer house. I was the only guest. No one said a word about the war. But later, just before I left, Mother Eve said: “Dear Sinclair, you called me today. You know why I didn’t come myself. But don’t forget, you know how to call now. If you ever need someone who bears the sign, call me again.”

She rose and went out through the gloaming into the garden. Tall and queenly, invested with mystery, she stepped between the trees, the foliage ceased its whispering at her approach, and over her head glimmered tenderly the many stars.

She stood up and went out into the garden at dusk. Tall and queenly, surrounded by mystery, she walked between the trees. The leaves stopped whispering as she approached, and many stars glimmered softly above her head.

I am coming to the end. Events marched quickly. War was declared. Demian, who looked strange in uniform, with a silver-grey cloak, went away. I brought his mother home. Soon after I also said good-bye to her. She kissed me on the lips and held me a moment on her breast, and her large eyes burned steadily close to mine.

I am coming to the end. Events moved quickly. War was declared. Demian went away, looking strange in his uniform and silver-gray cloak. I took his mother home. Soon afterward, I said goodbye to her too. She kissed me on the lips and held me against her breast for a moment. Her large eyes burned steadily close to mine.

And all men were like brothers. They had in mind their country and their honor. But it was fate, they peeped for a moment into the unveiled face. Young men came out of barracks, stepped into trains, and on many a face I saw a sign—not ours—a beautiful and dignified sign, signifying love and death. I as well was embraced by people I had never seen before. I understood and responded gladly. It was an atmosphere of intoxication in which they moved, not that of a fated will. But the intoxication was sacred, it was due to the fact that they had all looked into the rousing eyes of destiny.

And all men were like brothers. They were thinking of their country and their honor. But it was fate. For a moment, they glimpsed its unveiled face. Young men came out of barracks and boarded trains. On many faces I saw a sign, though not ours. It was a beautiful and dignified sign of love and death. I too was embraced by people I had never seen before. I understood and gladly responded. They moved in an atmosphere of intoxication, not of a will shaped by fate. But the intoxication was sacred. It came from the fact that they had all looked into the stirring eyes of destiny.

It was already nearly winter when I went to the front.

It was already almost winter when I went to the front.

At first, in spite of the sensation of the bombardment, I was disappointed with everything. Formerly I had often wondered why people so seldom were able to live for an ideal. Now I saw that many, yes, all men, are capable of dying for an ideal, provided that such an ideal is not personal, not chosen of their own free will. For them it had to be an ideal accepted by and common to a great number.

At first, despite the excitement of the bombardment, I was disappointed with everything. I had often wondered why people were so rarely able to live for an ideal. Now I saw that many men, yes, all men, are capable of dying for an ideal. But the ideal must not be personal or chosen of their own free will. It had to be an ideal shared and accepted by many people.

But with time I saw that I had underestimated men. Although service and a common danger renders them uniform, I saw many, living and dying, approach fate magnificently. Not only in an attack, but the whole time, many, very many of them had a fixed, far-away look, rather like that of a person possessed, a look which indicates entire ignorance of the end pursued, and a complete surrender of self to the unknown. No matter what they might believe and think they were ready, they were there in case of need, out of them would the future be formed. And, however strongly the world’s attention appeared to be focused on war and heroic deeds, on honor and other old ideals, however distantly and unnaturally sang the voices of humanity—all this was merely the surface, just as the question with regard to the foreign and political aims of the war was superficial. Deep down, below the surface of human affairs, something was in process of forming. Something which might be a new order of humanity. For I could see many—many such died at my side—to whom the understanding was brought home that hate and rage, murder and destruction had no connection with the real object of the war. No, the object, just as the aims in view, was purely a matter of chance. Their deepest and most primitive feelings, even their wildest instincts were not actually directed against the enemy, their murderous and bloody work was an expression of their own inner being, of their cleft soul, which wished to rave and kill, to destroy and die, in order to be able to be born anew. A giant bird was fighting its way out of the egg, and the egg was the world, and the world had to go to ruin.

But over time I saw that I had underestimated men. Military service and shared danger made them seem alike. Yet I saw many meet their fate magnificently, both in life and in death. Not just during an attack, but all the time, many, very many of them had a fixed, distant look. They looked almost possessed. Their expression showed that they knew nothing of the end they were pursuing and had surrendered themselves completely to the unknown. Whatever they believed or thought, they were ready. They were there if needed, and the future would be formed from them. The world’s attention seemed firmly fixed on war and heroic deeds, on honor and other old ideals. The voices of humanity sang distantly and unnaturally. But all this was only the surface, just as the question of the war’s foreign and political aims was superficial. Deep below the surface of human affairs, something was taking shape. It might have been a new order of humanity. For I could see many who had come to understand that hate and rage, murder and destruction had no connection with the war’s real purpose. Many such men died at my side. No, the purpose, like the aims in view, was purely a matter of chance. Their deepest and most primitive feelings, even their wildest instincts, were not really directed against the enemy. Their murderous, bloody work expressed their own inner being, their divided soul. That soul wanted to rage and kill, to destroy and die, so that it could be born again. A giant bird was fighting its way out of the egg. The egg was the world, and the world had to be destroyed.

One night in early spring I was doing sentry duty in front of a farm we had occupied. The wind was blowing in fitful gusts, shrieking and moaning according to the vagaries of its mood; over the high Flanders sky rode an army of clouds, somewhere or other behind was a suspicion of moon. I had been restless throughout the whole of that day, troubled by cares which I could not precisely define. Now, at my dark post, I thought with fervor of the picture of my life up to that time, of Mother Eve, of Demian. I stood leaning against a poplar, staring into the agitated sky, the mysterious quivering brightness of which soon resolved itself into a series of pictures. I felt by the odd slowness of my pulse, by the insensibility of my skin to wind and rain, by the lively wakefulness of my inner being, that a guide was near me.

One night in early spring, I was standing guard outside a farm we had occupied. The wind blew in uneven gusts, shrieking and moaning as its mood shifted. An army of clouds crossed the high sky over Flanders. Somewhere behind them was a hint of moonlight. I had been restless all day, troubled by worries I could not quite name. Now, at my dark post, I thought intensely about my life up to that point, about Mother Eve, about Demian. I leaned against a poplar and stared into the restless sky. Its mysterious, shimmering light soon took the shape of a series of pictures. My pulse was strangely slow, and my skin could not feel the wind or rain. My inner self was vividly awake. From all this, I felt that a guide was near me.

In the clouds a large city could be seen, out of which millions of men were streaming, spreading in swarms over the broad countryside. In their very midst there appeared the mighty figure of a god, as big as a mountain, with glittering stars in its hair, and with the features of Mother Eve. Into it disappeared the processions of men, as into a gigantic cave, and were lost to view. The goddess shrank down on the ground, the sign on her forehead glittered brightly. She seemed to be under the influence of a dream. She closed her eyes and her large features were twisted in pain. Suddenly she cried out, and out of her forehead sprang stars, which hurried in lovely arcs and half-circles over the black sky.

A large city appeared in the clouds. Millions of men streamed out of it, spreading in swarms across the broad countryside. In their midst stood the mighty figure of a god, as big as a mountain. Stars glittered in its hair, and it had Mother Eve’s features. The processions of men disappeared into the figure, as if entering a gigantic cave, and were lost from view. The goddess sank to the ground, and the sign on her forehead glittered brightly. She seemed to be dreaming. She closed her eyes, and her large features twisted in pain. Suddenly she cried out, and stars sprang from her forehead. They raced across the black sky in lovely arcs and half-circles.

One of the stars rushed noisily through the air to meet me, as if seeking me out. With a crash it burst into a thousand sparks, lifting me off my feet and hurling me on to the ground. The world broke up thunderously about me.

One of the stars rushed noisily through the air toward me, as if seeking me out. It burst into a thousand sparks with a crash, lifting me off my feet and throwing me to the ground. The world shattered around me with a thunderous roar.

They found me close to the poplar, covered with earth and wounded in several places.

They found me near the poplar, covered in dirt and wounded in several places.

I lay in a cellar, guns growled and rumbled overhead, I lay in a cart, and was jolted over empty fields. For the most part I was either asleep or unconscious. But the more deeply I slept, the more strongly I felt that I was being drawn, that I followed at the will of a force over which I was not master.

I lay in a cellar while guns growled and rumbled overhead. I lay in a cart, jolting across empty fields. Most of the time, I was either asleep or unconscious. But the deeper I slept, the more strongly I felt myself being drawn along. I followed a force beyond my control.

I lay on straw in a stable, it was dark, someone trod on my hand. But my inner self willed to go further, the mysterious force drew me on. Again I lay in a cart, and later on a stretcher. Even more strongly I felt in me the command to go forward, I was conscious only of the pressure, the force which seemed to be controlling my journeying thus from place to place.

I lay on straw in a dark stable. Someone stepped on my hand. But deep inside, I wanted to go farther. A mysterious force drew me on. Again, I lay in a cart, and later on a stretcher. I felt the command to go forward even more strongly within me. I was aware only of the pressure, the force that seemed to control my journey from place to place.

At last I was there. It was night. I was fully conscious and I felt strongly the secret attraction and power which had brought me to that place. Now I was lying in a room, on a bed made up on the floor. I felt I had arrived at the place to which I had been called. I glanced around, close to my mattress was another, on which someone was lying, someone who bent over and looked at me. It was Max Demian.

At last I was there. It was night. I was fully aware of where I was, and I strongly felt the secret pull and power that had brought me there. Now I was lying in a room, on a bed made up on the floor. I felt I had reached the place where I had been called. I looked around. Close to my mattress was another, with someone lying on it. He leaned over and looked at me. It was Max Demian.

I could not speak, and he either could not or would not. He only looked at me. A lamp which hung over him on the wall cast a light on his face. He smiled at me.

I couldn't speak, and he either couldn't or wouldn't. He just looked at me. A lamp on the wall above him lit his face. He smiled at me.

For what seemed an immeasurably long time he gazed unwaveringly into my eyes. Slowly he inclined his face towards me, until we almost touched.

For what felt like an endlessly long time, he stared steadily into my eyes. Slowly, he leaned his face toward mine until we almost touched.

“Sinclair!” he said in a whisper.

“Sinclair!” he whispered.

I signaled to him with my eyes that I understood him.

I showed him with my eyes that I understood him.

He smiled again, almost as if in compassion.

He smiled again, almost as if he felt compassion.

“Little one!” he said, smiling.

“Little one!” he said, smiling.

His mouth lay now quite close to mine. Softly he continued to speak.

His mouth was now very close to mine. He continued to speak softly.

“Can you still remember Frank Kromer?” he asked.

“Do you still remember Frank Kromer?” he asked.

I winked at him, and could even manage to smile.

I winked at him and even managed to smile.

“Sinclair, old man, listen: I shall have to go away. Perhaps you will need me once again, on account of Kromer, or something. When you call me, I shall not come riding on a horse, or in a train. You must hearken to the voice inside you, then you will notice it is I, that I am in you. Do you understand? And one other thing: Mother Eve said that if ever you were ill I was to give you a kiss from her, which she gave me.... Close your eyes, Sinclair!”

“Sinclair, old man, listen: I have to go away. Perhaps you will need me again, because of Kromer or something else. When you call me, I won’t come on horseback or by train. Listen to the voice inside you. Then you’ll recognize it as my voice and know that I am in you. Do you understand? And one more thing: Mother Eve gave me a kiss for you. She said that if you were ever ill, I should give it to you.... Close your eyes, Sinclair!”

I obediently closed my eyes. I felt a light kiss on my lips, on which there was a trace of blood, which never seemed to stop flowing. And then I fell asleep.

I did as I was told and closed my eyes. I felt a light kiss on my lips, where a trace of blood remained. The blood never seemed to stop flowing. Then I fell asleep.

In the morning I was awakened to have my wounds dressed. When at last I was properly awake, I turned quickly to the mattress by my side. A stranger lay upon it, a man on whom I had never before set eyes.

In the morning, I was awakened so my wounds could be dressed. When I was fully awake, I quickly turned to the mattress beside me. A stranger lay there, a man I had never seen before.

The bandaging hurt me. All that has happened to me since hurt me. But my soul is like a mysterious, locked house. And when I find the key and step right down into myself, to where the pictures painted by my destiny seem reflected on the dark mirror of my soul, then I need only stoop towards the black mirror and see my own picture, which now completely resembles Him, my guide and friend.

The bandaging hurt me. Everything that has happened to me since has hurt me. But my soul is like a mysterious, locked house. When I find the key, I step deep inside myself. There, the pictures painted by my destiny seem to be reflected in the dark mirror of my soul. Then I only need to bend toward the black mirror and see my own image. It now looks exactly like Him, my guide and friend.

The End

The End