Part 5

Chapter 4

28 min

Raskolnikov had been a vigorous and active champion of Sonia against Luzhin, although he had such a load of horror and anguish in his own heart. But having gone through so much in the morning, he found a sort of relief in a change of sensations, apart from the strong personal feeling which impelled him to defend Sonia. He was agitated too, especially at some moments, by the thought of his approaching interview with Sonia: he had to tell her who had killed Lizaveta. He knew the terrible suffering it would be to him and, as it were, brushed away the thought of it. So when he cried as he left Katerina Ivanovna’s, “Well, Sofya Semyonovna, we shall see what you’ll say now!” he was still superficially excited, still vigorous and defiant from his triumph over Luzhin. But, strange to say, by the time he reached Sonia’s lodging, he felt a sudden impotence and fear. He stood still in hesitation at the door, asking himself the strange question: “Must he tell her who killed Lizaveta?” It was a strange question because he felt at the very time not only that he could not help telling her, but also that he could not put off the telling. He did not yet know why it must be so, he only felt it, and the agonising sense of his impotence before the inevitable almost crushed him. To cut short his hesitation and suffering, he quickly opened the door and looked at Sonia from the doorway. She was sitting with her elbows on the table and her face in her hands, but seeing Raskolnikov she got up at once and came to meet him as though she were expecting him.

Raskolnikov had defended Sonia vigorously against Luzhin, despite the burden of horror and anguish in his own heart. His strong personal feelings had driven him to defend her. But after all he had been through that morning, the change of feelings also brought him some relief. At times, the thought of his coming meeting with Sonia made him anxious. He had to tell her who had killed Lizaveta. He knew how terribly he would suffer, and he tried to push the thought away. So when he left Katerina Ivanovna’s, he cried, “Well, Sofya Semyonovna, we shall see what you’ll say now!” He was still excited on the surface, still energetic and defiant after his victory over Luzhin. But strangely, by the time he reached Sonia’s lodgings, he suddenly felt powerless and afraid. He hesitated at the door, asking himself a strange question: “Must he tell her who killed Lizaveta?” The question was strange because he felt he had no choice but to tell her. He also felt he could not put it off. He did not yet know why he had to tell her. He only felt it, and the painful sense that he was powerless to prevent it nearly crushed him. To end his hesitation and suffering, he quickly opened the door and looked at Sonia from the doorway. She was sitting with her elbows on the table and her face in her hands. But when she saw Raskolnikov, she stood up at once and came to meet him, as though she had been expecting him.

“What would have become of me but for you?” she said quickly, meeting him in the middle of the room.

“What would have happened to me without you?” she said quickly, meeting him in the middle of the room.

Evidently she was in haste to say this to him. It was what she had been waiting for.

Clearly, she was eager to tell him this. It was what she had been waiting for.

Raskolnikov went to the table and sat down on the chair from which she had only just risen. She stood facing him, two steps away, just as she had done the day before.

Raskolnikov went to the table and sat in the chair she had just left. She stood facing him, two steps away, just as she had the day before.

“Well, Sonia?” he said, and felt that his voice was trembling, “it was all due to ‘your social position and the habits associated with it.’ Did you understand that just now?”

“Well, Sonia?” he said, feeling his voice tremble. “It was all because of ‘your social position and the habits that come with it.’ Did you understand that just now?”

Her face showed her distress.

“Only don’t talk to me as you did yesterday,” she interrupted him. “Please don’t begin it. There is misery enough without that.”

“Just don’t talk to me the way you did yesterday,” she interrupted him. “Please don’t start. There’s enough misery already.”

She made haste to smile, afraid that he might not like the reproach.

She quickly smiled, afraid he might not like being criticized.

“I was silly to come away from there. What is happening there now? I wanted to go back directly, but I kept thinking that... you would come.”

“It was foolish of me to leave. What’s happening there now? I wanted to go back right away, but I kept thinking that... you would come.”

He told her that Amalia Ivanovna was turning them out of their lodging and that Katerina Ivanovna had run off somewhere “to seek justice.”

He told her that Amalia Ivanovna was evicting them from their rooms. Katerina Ivanovna had run off somewhere “to seek justice.”

“My God!” cried Sonia, “let’s go at once....”

“My God!” Sonia cried. “Let’s go right away....”

And she snatched up her cape.

And she grabbed her cape.

“It’s everlastingly the same thing!” cried Raskolnikov, irritably. “You’ve no thought except for them! Stay a little with me.”

“It’s always the same thing!” Raskolnikov cried irritably. “You only think about them! Stay with me a little while.”

“But... Katerina Ivanovna?”

“You won’t lose Katerina Ivanovna, you may be sure, she’ll come to you herself since she has run out,” he added peevishly. “If she doesn’t find you here, you’ll be blamed for it....”

“You won’t lose Katerina Ivanovna, you can be sure of that. Since she’s run out, she’ll come to you herself,” he added irritably. “If she doesn’t find you here, you’ll be blamed for it....”

Sonia sat down in painful suspense. Raskolnikov was silent, gazing at the floor and deliberating.

Sonia sat down, painfully anxious as she waited. Raskolnikov said nothing. He stared at the floor, deep in thought.

“This time Luzhin did not want to prosecute you,” he began, not looking at Sonia, “but if he had wanted to, if it had suited his plans, he would have sent you to prison if it had not been for Lebeziatnikov and me. Ah?”

“This time Luzhin didn’t want to press charges against you,” he began, without looking at Sonia. “But if he had wanted to, if it had suited his plans, he would have sent you to prison. Only Lebeziatnikov and I stopped him. Right?”

“Yes,” she assented in a faint voice. “Yes,” she repeated, preoccupied and distressed.

“Yes,” she agreed in a faint voice. “Yes,” she repeated, distracted and upset.

“But I might easily not have been there. And it was quite an accident Lebeziatnikov’s turning up.”

“But I could easily have been somewhere else. And Lebeziatnikov showed up entirely by chance.”

Sonia was silent.

“And if you’d gone to prison, what then? Do you remember what I said yesterday?”

Again she did not answer. He waited.

Again, she didn't answer. He waited.

“I thought you would cry out again ‘don’t speak of it, leave off.’” Raskolnikov gave a laugh, but rather a forced one. “What, silence again?” he asked a minute later. “We must talk about something, you know. It would be interesting for me to know how you would decide a certain ‘problem’ as Lebeziatnikov would say.” (He was beginning to lose the thread.) “No, really, I am serious. Imagine, Sonia, that you had known all Luzhin’s intentions beforehand. Known, that is, for a fact, that they would be the ruin of Katerina Ivanovna and the children and yourself thrown in—since you don’t count yourself for anything—Polenka too... for she’ll go the same way. Well, if suddenly it all depended on your decision whether he or they should go on living, that is whether Luzhin should go on living and doing wicked things, or Katerina Ivanovna should die? How would you decide which of them was to die? I ask you?”

“I thought you would cry out again, ‘Don’t talk about it, stop.’” Raskolnikov laughed, but it sounded forced. “What, silent again?” he asked a minute later. “We have to talk about something, you know. I’d be interested to know how you would solve a certain ‘problem,’ as Lebeziatnikov would say.” (He was beginning to lose the thread.) “No, really, I’m serious. Imagine, Sonia, that you had known all Luzhin’s plans beforehand. Suppose you had known for certain that they would ruin Katerina Ivanovna and the children, and you too. Though you don’t count yourself for anything. And Polenka too... for she’ll end up the same way. Well, suppose it suddenly depended on your decision whether he or they would go on living. Luzhin would go on living and doing wicked things, or Katerina Ivanovna would die. How would you decide which of them should die? I’m asking you?”

Sonia looked uneasily at him. There was something peculiar in this hesitating question, which seemed approaching something in a roundabout way.

Sonia looked at him uneasily. There was something strange about his hesitant question. It seemed to approach something indirectly.

“I felt that you were going to ask some question like that,” she said, looking inquisitively at him.

“I had a feeling you were going to ask a question like that,” she said, looking at him curiously.

“I dare say you did. But how is it to be answered?”

“I suppose you did. But how can it be answered?”

“Why do you ask about what could not happen?” said Sonia reluctantly.

“Why do you ask about something that couldn't happen?” Sonia said reluctantly.

“Then it would be better for Luzhin to go on living and doing wicked things? You haven’t dared to decide even that!”

“Then would it be better for Luzhin to keep living and doing evil things? You haven’t even dared to decide that!”

“But I can’t know the Divine Providence.... And why do you ask what can’t be answered? What’s the use of such foolish questions? How could it happen that it should depend on my decision—who has made me a judge to decide who is to live and who is not to live?”

“But I can’t know God’s plan.... And why do you ask questions that can’t be answered? What’s the point of such foolish questions? How could such a thing depend on my decision? Who made me the judge of who should live and who should die?”

“Oh, if the Divine Providence is to be mixed up in it, there is no doing anything,” Raskolnikov grumbled morosely.

“Oh, if divine providence is involved, there’s nothing we can do,” Raskolnikov grumbled gloomily.

“You’d better say straight out what you want!” Sonia cried in distress. “You are leading up to something again.... Can you have come simply to torture me?”

“Just tell me what you want!” Sonia cried in distress. “You’re leading up to something again.... Did you come just to torture me?”

She could not control herself and began crying bitterly. He looked at her in gloomy misery. Five minutes passed.

She couldn't control herself and began to cry bitterly. He looked at her in gloomy misery. Five minutes passed.

“Of course you’re right, Sonia,” he said softly at last. He was suddenly changed. His tone of assumed arrogance and helpless defiance was gone. Even his voice was suddenly weak. “I told you yesterday that I was not coming to ask forgiveness and almost the first thing I’ve said is to ask forgiveness.... I said that about Luzhin and Providence for my own sake. I was asking forgiveness, Sonia....”

“Of course you’re right, Sonia,” he said softly at last. He had suddenly changed. His affected arrogance and helpless defiance were gone. Even his voice had suddenly grown weak. “I told you yesterday that I wasn’t coming to ask forgiveness. Yet almost the first thing I’ve done is ask forgiveness.... I said that about Luzhin and Providence for my own sake. I was asking forgiveness, Sonia....”

He tried to smile, but there was something helpless and incomplete in his pale smile. He bowed his head and hid his face in his hands.

He tried to smile, but his pale smile was helpless and incomplete. He lowered his head and hid his face in his hands.

And suddenly a strange, surprising sensation of a sort of bitter hatred for Sonia passed through his heart. As it were wondering and frightened of this sensation, he raised his head and looked intently at her; but he met her uneasy and painfully anxious eyes fixed on him; there was love in them; his hatred vanished like a phantom. It was not the real feeling; he had taken the one feeling for the other. It only meant that that minute had come.

Suddenly, a strange and surprising feeling of bitter hatred for Sonia passed through his heart. As if puzzled and frightened by it, he raised his head and looked intently at her. But her uneasy, painfully anxious eyes were fixed on him. There was love in them, and his hatred vanished like a ghost. Hatred was not what he really felt. He had mistaken one feeling for another. It only meant that that minute had come.

He hid his face in his hands again and bowed his head. Suddenly he turned pale, got up from his chair, looked at Sonia, and without uttering a word sat down mechanically on her bed.

He hid his face in his hands again and bowed his head. Suddenly, he turned pale and got up from his chair. He looked at Sonia and sat down on her bed without a word, as if on autopilot.

His sensations that moment were terribly like the moment when he had stood over the old woman with the axe in his hand and felt that “he must not lose another minute.”

What he felt then was terribly like what he had felt standing over the old woman, axe in hand. He had felt that “he must not lose another minute.”

“What’s the matter?” asked Sonia, dreadfully frightened.

“What’s wrong?” asked Sonia, terrified.

He could not utter a word. This was not at all, not at all the way he had intended to “tell” and he did not understand what was happening to him now. She went up to him, softly, sat down on the bed beside him and waited, not taking her eyes off him. Her heart throbbed and sank. It was unendurable; he turned his deadly pale face to her. His lips worked, helplessly struggling to utter something. A pang of terror passed through Sonia’s heart.

He could not say a word. This was not at all, not at all how he had intended to “tell” her. He did not understand what was happening to him now. She came up to him quietly and sat down beside him on the bed. She waited, keeping her eyes on him. Her heart pounded and sank. He could not bear it. He turned his deathly pale face toward her. His lips moved as he struggled helplessly to say something. A pang of terror went through Sonia’s heart.

“What’s the matter?” she repeated, drawing a little away from him.

“What’s the matter?” she repeated, pulling slightly away from him.

“Nothing, Sonia, don’t be frightened.... It’s nonsense. It really is nonsense, if you think of it,” he muttered, like a man in delirium. “Why have I come to torture you?” he added suddenly, looking at her. “Why, really? I keep asking myself that question, Sonia....”

“Nothing, Sonia, don’t be scared.... It’s nonsense. It really is nonsense, if you think about it,” he muttered, like a man in a delirium. “Why have I come to torture you?” he added suddenly, looking at her. “Really, why? I keep asking myself that question, Sonia....”

He had perhaps been asking himself that question a quarter of an hour before, but now he spoke helplessly, hardly knowing what he said and feeling a continual tremor all over.

Perhaps he had asked himself that question fifteen minutes earlier. But now he spoke helplessly, hardly knowing what he was saying, and trembling all over.

“Oh, how you are suffering!” she uttered in distress, looking intently at him.

“Oh, how you’re suffering!” she said in distress, looking intently at him.

“It’s all nonsense.... Listen, Sonia.” He suddenly smiled, a pale helpless smile for two seconds. “You remember what I meant to tell you yesterday?”

“It’s all nonsense.... Listen, Sonia.” He suddenly smiled, a pale, helpless smile that lasted two seconds. “Do you remember what I meant to tell you yesterday?”

Sonia waited uneasily.

Sonia waited nervously.

“I said as I went away that perhaps I was saying good-bye for ever, but that if I came to-day I would tell you who... who killed Lizaveta.”

“When I left, I said that perhaps I was saying goodbye forever. But I said that if I came today, I would tell you who... who killed Lizaveta.”

She began trembling all over.

She began to shake all over.

“Well, here I’ve come to tell you.”

“Well, I’ve come to tell you.”

“Then you really meant it yesterday?” she whispered with difficulty. “How do you know?” she asked quickly, as though suddenly regaining her reason.

“Then you really meant it yesterday?” she whispered with difficulty. “How do you know?” she asked quickly, as if suddenly coming to her senses.

Sonia’s face grew paler and paler, and she breathed painfully.

Sonia’s face grew paler and paler, and she struggled to breathe.

“I know.”

She paused a minute.

She paused for a minute.

“Have they found him?” she asked timidly.

“No.”

“Then how do you know about it?” she asked again, hardly audibly and again after a minute’s pause.

“Then how do you know about it?” she asked again, barely audibly, after another minute’s pause.

He turned to her and looked very intently at her.

He turned to her and looked at her very closely.

“Guess,” he said, with the same distorted helpless smile.

“Guess,” he said, with the same twisted, helpless smile.

A shudder passed over her.

She shuddered.

“But you... why do you frighten me like this?” she said, smiling like a child.

“But you... why are you scaring me like this?” she said, smiling like a child.

“I must be a great friend of his... since I know,” Raskolnikov went on, still gazing into her face, as though he could not turn his eyes away. “He... did not mean to kill that Lizaveta... he... killed her accidentally.... He meant to kill the old woman when she was alone and he went there... and then Lizaveta came in... he killed her too.”

“I must be a great friend of his... since I know,” Raskolnikov went on. He kept staring into her face, as though he could not look away. “He... did not mean to kill Lizaveta... he... killed her by accident.... He meant to kill the old woman when she was alone. He went there... and then Lizaveta came in... he killed her too.”

Another awful moment passed. Both still gazed at one another.

Another awful moment passed. They were still looking at each other.

“You can’t guess, then?” he asked suddenly, feeling as though he were flinging himself down from a steeple.

“Can’t you guess?” he asked suddenly, feeling as if he were throwing himself from a steeple.

“N-no...” whispered Sonia.

“Take a good look.”

As soon as he had said this again, the same familiar sensation froze his heart. He looked at her and all at once seemed to see in her face the face of Lizaveta. He remembered clearly the expression in Lizaveta’s face, when he approached her with the axe and she stepped back to the wall, putting out her hand, with childish terror in her face, looking as little children do when they begin to be frightened of something, looking intently and uneasily at what frightens them, shrinking back and holding out their little hands on the point of crying. Almost the same thing happened now to Sonia. With the same helplessness and the same terror, she looked at him for a while and, suddenly putting out her left hand, pressed her fingers faintly against his breast and slowly began to get up from the bed, moving further from him and keeping her eyes fixed even more immovably on him. Her terror infected him. The same fear showed itself on his face. In the same way he stared at her and almost with the same childish smile.

As soon as he said this again, the same familiar feeling froze his heart. He looked at her, and suddenly her face seemed to become Lizaveta’s. He clearly remembered the expression on Lizaveta’s face when he approached her with the axe. She had backed against the wall and held out her hand, her face full of childish terror. She looked like a small child beginning to feel afraid, staring intently and anxiously at what frightened her, shrinking back and holding out her little hands, on the verge of tears. Almost the same thing happened to Sonia now. With the same helplessness and terror, she looked at him for a while. Then she suddenly held out her left hand and pressed her fingers weakly against his chest. She slowly began to rise from the bed, moving farther away while keeping her eyes fixed even more steadily on him. Her terror spread to him. The same fear appeared on his face. He stared at her in the same way, with almost the same childish smile.

“Have you guessed?” he whispered at last.

“Have you guessed?” he finally whispered.

“Good God!” broke in an awful wail from her bosom.

“Good God!” she cried in an awful wail.

She sank helplessly on the bed with her face in the pillows, but a moment later she got up, moved quickly to him, seized both his hands and, gripping them tight in her thin fingers, began looking into his face again with the same intent stare. In this last desperate look she tried to look into him and catch some last hope. But there was no hope; there was no doubt remaining; it was all true! Later on, indeed, when she recalled that moment, she thought it strange and wondered why she had seen at once that there was no doubt. She could not have said, for instance, that she had foreseen something of the sort—and yet now, as soon as he told her, she suddenly fancied that she had really foreseen this very thing.

She sank helplessly onto the bed, her face buried in the pillows. But a moment later, she got up and hurried to him. She seized both his hands, gripping them tightly in her thin fingers. Once again, she stared intently into his face. In that last desperate look, she tried to see inside him and find some last hope. But there was no hope. No doubt remained. It was all true! Later, when she remembered that moment, she thought it strange. She wondered why she had seen at once that there was no doubt. She could not have said, for instance, that she had foreseen anything like it. And yet, as soon as he told her, she suddenly imagined that she had foreseen this very thing.

“Stop, Sonia, enough! don’t torture me,” he begged her miserably.

“Stop, Sonia, enough! Don’t torture me,” he begged her miserably.

It was not at all, not at all like this he had thought of telling her, but this is how it happened.

This was not at all, not at all how he had imagined telling her, but this is how it happened.

She jumped up, seeming not to know what she was doing, and, wringing her hands, walked into the middle of the room; but quickly went back and sat down again beside him, her shoulder almost touching his. All of a sudden she started as though she had been stabbed, uttered a cry and fell on her knees before him, she did not know why.

She jumped up, seeming not to know what she was doing. Wringing her hands, she walked to the middle of the room. But she quickly returned and sat down beside him again, her shoulder almost touching his. Suddenly, she flinched as if she had been stabbed. She cried out and fell to her knees before him, not knowing why.

“What have you done—what have you done to yourself?” she said in despair, and, jumping up, she flung herself on his neck, threw her arms round him, and held him tight.

“What have you done? What have you done to yourself?” she cried in despair. She jumped up and threw herself around his neck, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tight.

Raskolnikov drew back and looked at her with a mournful smile.

Raskolnikov pulled back and looked at her with a sad smile.

“You are a strange girl, Sonia—you kiss me and hug me when I tell you about that.... You don’t think what you are doing.”

“You’re a strange girl, Sonia. You kiss and hug me when I tell you about that.... You don’t think about what you’re doing.”

“There is no one—no one in the whole world now so unhappy as you!” she cried in a frenzy, not hearing what he said, and she suddenly broke into violent hysterical weeping.

“No one, no one in the whole world is as unhappy as you are now!” she cried wildly. She did not hear what he said. Suddenly, she burst into violent, hysterical sobs.

A feeling long unfamiliar to him flooded his heart and softened it at once. He did not struggle against it. Two tears started into his eyes and hung on his eyelashes.

A feeling he had not known for a long time flooded his heart and softened it at once. He did not resist it. Two tears came to his eyes and hung on his eyelashes.

“Then you won’t leave me, Sonia?” he said, looking at her almost with hope.

“Then you won’t leave me, Sonia?” he said, looking at her with almost a hint of hope.

“No, no, never, nowhere!” cried Sonia. “I will follow you, I will follow you everywhere. Oh, my God! Oh, how miserable I am!... Why, why didn’t I know you before! Why didn’t you come before? Oh, dear!”

“No, no, never, nowhere!” Sonia cried. “I’ll follow you. I’ll follow you everywhere. Oh, my God! I’m so miserable! Why, why didn’t I know you before? Why didn’t you come before? Oh, dear!”

“Here I have come.”

“Here I am.”

“Yes, now! What’s to be done now?... Together, together!” she repeated as it were unconsciously, and she hugged him again. “I’ll follow you to Siberia!”

“Yes, now! What are we going to do now?… Together, together!” she repeated, as if without realizing it. She hugged him again. “I’ll follow you to Siberia!”

He recoiled at this, and the same hostile, almost haughty smile came on to his lips.

He recoiled at this, and the same hostile, almost arrogant smile appeared on his lips.

“Perhaps I don’t want to go to Siberia yet, Sonia,” he said.

“Maybe I don’t want to go to Siberia yet, Sonia,” he said.

Sonia looked at him quickly.

Again after her first passionate, agonising sympathy for the unhappy man the terrible idea of the murder overwhelmed her. In his changed tone she seemed to hear the murderer speaking. She looked at him bewildered. She knew nothing as yet, why, how, with what object it had been. Now all these questions rushed at once into her mind. And again she could not believe it: “He, he is a murderer! Could it be true?”

Again, after her first rush of anguished sympathy for the unhappy man, the terrible thought of the murder overwhelmed her. His changed tone made her feel she was hearing the murderer speak. She looked at him in confusion. She still knew nothing about why or how he had done it, or what his purpose had been. Now all these questions rushed into her mind at once. And again she could not believe it: “He, he is a murderer! Could it be true?”

“What’s the meaning of it? Where am I?” she said in complete bewilderment, as though still unable to recover herself. “How could you, you, a man like you.... How could you bring yourself to it?... What does it mean?”

“What does it mean? Where am I?” she said, completely bewildered, as if she still hadn’t regained her senses. “How could you, you, a man like you.... How could you bring yourself to do it?... What does it mean?”

“Oh, well—to plunder. Leave off, Sonia,” he answered wearily, almost with vexation.

“Oh, well, to rob. Stop it, Sonia,” he answered wearily, almost annoyed.

Sonia stood as though struck dumb, but suddenly she cried:

Sonia stood as if unable to speak, but suddenly she cried out:

“You were hungry! It was... to help your mother? Yes?”

“You were hungry! It was... to help your mother? Right?”

“No, Sonia, no,” he muttered, turning away and hanging his head. “I was not so hungry.... I certainly did want to help my mother, but... that’s not the real thing either.... Don’t torture me, Sonia.”

“No, Sonia, no,” he muttered, turning away and lowering his head. “I wasn’t that hungry.... I did want to help my mother, but... that’s not the real reason either.... Don’t torture me, Sonia.”

Sonia clasped her hands.

“Could it, could it all be true? Good God, what a truth! Who could believe it? And how could you give away your last farthing and yet rob and murder! Ah,” she cried suddenly, “that money you gave Katerina Ivanovna... that money.... Can that money...”

“Could it, could it all be true? Good God, what a terrible truth! Who could believe it? How could you give away your last penny and still rob and murder? Oh,” she cried suddenly, “that money you gave Katerina Ivanovna... that money.... Could that money...”

“No, Sonia,” he broke in hurriedly, “that money was not it. Don’t worry yourself! That money my mother sent me and it came when I was ill, the day I gave it to you.... Razumihin saw it... he received it for me.... That money was mine—my own.”

“No, Sonia,” he interrupted hurriedly, “that wasn't the money. Don't worry! My mother sent me that money. It arrived when I was ill, on the day I gave it to you.... Razumihin saw it... he received it for me.... That money was mine, my own.”

Sonia listened to him in bewilderment and did her utmost to comprehend.

Sonia listened to him, confused, and did her best to understand.

“And that money.... I don’t even know really whether there was any money,” he added softly, as though reflecting. “I took a purse off her neck, made of chamois leather... a purse stuffed full of something... but I didn’t look in it; I suppose I hadn’t time.... And the things—chains and trinkets—I buried under a stone with the purse next morning in a yard off the V—— Prospect. They are all there now....”

“And that money.... I don’t even know if there was any money,” he added softly, as if thinking it over. “I took a chamois leather purse from around her neck... a purse stuffed full of something... but I didn’t look inside. I suppose I didn’t have time.... The next morning, I buried the things, chains and trinkets, under a stone with the purse. It was in a yard off the V—— Prospect. They are all still there....”

Sonia strained every nerve to listen.

Sonia listened with all her might.

“Then why... why, you said you did it to rob, but you took nothing?” she asked quickly, catching at a straw.

“Then why... why did you say you did it to rob, if you took nothing?” she asked quickly, grasping at a straw.

“I don’t know.... I haven’t yet decided whether to take that money or not,” he said, musing again; and, seeming to wake up with a start, he gave a brief ironical smile. “Ach, what silly stuff I am talking, eh?”

“I don’t know.... I still haven’t decided whether to take that money,” he said, lost in thought again. Then he seemed to wake with a start and gave a brief, ironic smile. “Oh, what silly things I’m saying, huh?”

The thought flashed through Sonia’s mind, wasn’t he mad? But she dismissed it at once. “No, it was something else.” She could make nothing of it, nothing.

A thought flashed through Sonia’s mind. Was he insane? But she dismissed the thought at once. “No, it was something else.” She couldn’t make sense of it, not at all.

“Do you know, Sonia,” he said suddenly with conviction, “let me tell you: if I’d simply killed her because I was hungry,” laying stress on every word and looking enigmatically but sincerely at her, “I should be happy now. You must believe that! What would it matter to you,” he cried a moment later with a sort of despair, “what would it matter to you if I were to confess that I did wrong? What do you gain by such a stupid triumph over me? Ah, Sonia, was it for that I’ve come to you to-day?”

“Do you know, Sonia,” he said suddenly and firmly, “let me tell you something. If I’d killed her simply because I was hungry,” he stressed every word and gave her a mysterious but sincere look, “I’d be happy now. You must believe that! What would it matter to you,” he cried a moment later, almost in despair, “if I confessed that I did wrong? What would you gain from such a stupid triumph over me? Ah, Sonia, is that why I came to you today?”

Again Sonia tried to say something, but did not speak.

Again, Sonia tried to say something, but she remained silent.

“I asked you to go with me yesterday because you are all I have left.”

“I asked you to come with me yesterday because you are all I have left.”

“Go where?” asked Sonia timidly.

“Go where?” Sonia asked timidly.

“Not to steal and not to murder, don’t be anxious,” he smiled bitterly. “We are so different.... And you know, Sonia, it’s only now, only this moment that I understand where I asked you to go with me yesterday! Yesterday when I said it I did not know where. I asked you for one thing, I came to you for one thing—not to leave me. You won’t leave me, Sonia?”

“Not to steal or murder, don’t worry,” he said with a bitter smile. “We’re so different.... And you know, Sonia, only now, at this very moment, do I understand where I asked you to go with me yesterday! Yesterday, when I said it, I didn’t know where. I asked you for one thing. I came to you for one thing, not to leave me. You won’t leave me, Sonia?”

She squeezed his hand.

“And why, why did I tell her? Why did I let her know?” he cried a minute later in despair, looking with infinite anguish at her. “Here you expect an explanation from me, Sonia; you are sitting and waiting for it, I see that. But what can I tell you? You won’t understand and will only suffer misery... on my account! Well, you are crying and embracing me again. Why do you do it? Because I couldn’t bear my burden and have come to throw it on another: you suffer too, and I shall feel better! And can you love such a mean wretch?”

“And why, why did I tell her? Why did I let her know?” he cried a minute later in despair, looking at her with endless anguish. “You expect an explanation from me, Sonia. I can see you sitting there, waiting for one. But what can I tell you? You won’t understand, and you’ll only suffer... because of me! Now you’re crying and holding me again. Why do you do it? Because I couldn’t bear my burden and came to dump it on someone else. You suffer too, and I’ll feel better! Can you love such a contemptible wretch?”

“But aren’t you suffering, too?” cried Sonia.

“But aren’t you suffering too?” cried Sonia.

Again a wave of the same feeling surged into his heart, and again for an instant softened it.

Once again, the same feeling swept over him and softened his heart for a moment.

“Sonia, I have a bad heart, take note of that. It may explain a great deal. I have come because I am bad. There are men who wouldn’t have come. But I am a coward and... a mean wretch. But... never mind! That’s not the point. I must speak now, but I don’t know how to begin.”

“Sonia, I have a bad heart. Remember that. It may explain a lot. I came because I am bad. Some men wouldn’t have come. But I am a coward and... a worthless wretch. But... never mind! That’s not the point. I have to speak now, but I don’t know how to begin.”

He paused and sank into thought.

He paused and became lost in thought.

“Ach, we are so different,” he cried again, “we are not alike. And why, why did I come? I shall never forgive myself that.”

“Oh, we are so different,” he cried again. “We are not alike. And why, why did I come? I will never forgive myself for coming.”

“No, no, it was a good thing you came,” cried Sonia. “It’s better I should know, far better!”

“No, no, I’m glad you came,” Sonia cried. “It’s better for me to know, much better!”

He looked at her with anguish.

He looked at her in anguish.

“What if it were really that?” he said, as though reaching a conclusion. “Yes, that’s what it was! I wanted to become a Napoleon, that is why I killed her.... Do you understand now?”

“What if that really was the reason?” he said, as if he had reached a conclusion. “Yes, that’s what it was! I wanted to become a Napoleon. That’s why I killed her.... Do you understand now?”

“N-no,” Sonia whispered naïvely and timidly. “Only speak, speak, I shall understand, I shall understand in myself!” she kept begging him.

“N-no,” Sonia whispered naively and timidly. “Just speak, speak, I’ll understand, I’ll understand inside myself!” she kept begging him.

“You’ll understand? Very well, we shall see!” He paused and was for some time lost in meditation.

“You’ll understand? All right, we’ll see!” He paused and fell silent, lost in thought for some time.

“It was like this: I asked myself one day this question—what if Napoleon, for instance, had happened to be in my place, and if he had not had Toulon nor Egypt nor the passage of Mont Blanc to begin his career with, but instead of all those picturesque and monumental things, there had simply been some ridiculous old hag, a pawnbroker, who had to be murdered too to get money from her trunk (for his career, you understand). Well, would he have brought himself to that if there had been no other means? Wouldn’t he have felt a pang at its being so far from monumental and... and sinful, too? Well, I must tell you that I worried myself fearfully over that ‘question’ so that I was awfully ashamed when I guessed at last (all of a sudden, somehow) that it would not have given him the least pang, that it would not even have struck him that it was not monumental... that he would not have seen that there was anything in it to pause over, and that, if he had had no other way, he would have strangled her in a minute without thinking about it! Well, I too... left off thinking about it... murdered her, following his example. And that’s exactly how it was! Do you think it funny? Yes, Sonia, the funniest thing of all is that perhaps that’s just how it was.”

“It was like this. One day I asked myself a question. What if Napoleon, for example, had been in my place? What if he hadn’t had Toulon, Egypt, or the passage of Mont Blanc to start his career? Instead of all those picturesque, monumental things, suppose there had been only a ridiculous old hag, a pawnbroker. And he had to murder her to get the money from her trunk. For his career, you understand. Well, could he have brought himself to do it if there had been no other way? Wouldn’t it have troubled him that the murder was so far from monumental and... and sinful, too? Well, I must tell you, I worried terribly over that ‘question.’ So I was terribly ashamed when I finally realized, suddenly, somehow, that it wouldn’t have troubled him at all. It wouldn’t even have occurred to him that the murder wasn’t monumental... He wouldn’t have seen anything in it worth stopping to think about. And if he had had no other way, he would have strangled her in a minute, without thinking about it! Well, I too... stopped thinking about it... and murdered her, following his example. And that’s exactly how it was! Do you think it’s funny? Yes, Sonia, the funniest thing of all is that perhaps that’s just how it was.”

Sonia did not think it at all funny.

Sonia did not find it funny at all.

“You had better tell me straight out... without examples,” she begged, still more timidly and scarcely audibly.

“You'd better tell me plainly... without examples,” she begged, even more timidly and barely audibly.

He turned to her, looked sadly at her and took her hands.

He turned to her, looked at her sadly, and took her hands.

“You are right again, Sonia. Of course that’s all nonsense, it’s almost all talk! You see, you know of course that my mother has scarcely anything, my sister happened to have a good education and was condemned to drudge as a governess. All their hopes were centered on me. I was a student, but I couldn’t keep myself at the university and was forced for a time to leave it. Even if I had lingered on like that, in ten or twelve years I might (with luck) hope to be some sort of teacher or clerk with a salary of a thousand roubles” (he repeated it as though it were a lesson) “and by that time my mother would be worn out with grief and anxiety and I could not succeed in keeping her in comfort while my sister... well, my sister might well have fared worse! And it’s a hard thing to pass everything by all one’s life, to turn one’s back upon everything, to forget one’s mother and decorously accept the insults inflicted on one’s sister. Why should one? When one has buried them, to burden oneself with others—wife and children—and to leave them again without a farthing? So I resolved to gain possession of the old woman’s money and to use it for my first years without worrying my mother, to keep myself at the university and for a little while after leaving it—and to do this all on a broad, thorough scale, so as to build up a completely new career and enter upon a new life of independence.... Well... that’s all.... Well, of course in killing the old woman I did wrong.... Well, that’s enough.”

“You’re right again, Sonia. Of course, that’s all nonsense, almost all talk! You know, of course, that my mother has almost nothing. My sister was lucky enough to get a good education, but was condemned to work as a governess. All their hopes were pinned on me. I was a student, but I couldn’t afford to stay at the university. I was forced to leave for a while. Even if I had somehow stayed, what then? In ten or twelve years, with luck, I might hope to be some sort of teacher or clerk. I might earn a thousand roubles a year,” he repeated, as if reciting a lesson. “By then, my mother would be worn out with grief and anxiety. I wouldn’t be able to keep her comfortable. And my sister... well, she might have fared even worse! “It’s hard to spend your whole life passing everything by, turning your back on everything. To forget your mother and politely accept the insults inflicted on your sister. Why should anyone do that? And after burying them, should you burden yourself with others, a wife and children? Only to leave them without a penny in turn? “So I decided to take the old woman’s money. I would use it for my first few years, without troubling my mother. It would keep me at the university and support me for a little while after I left. I meant to do it on a grand, thorough scale, so I could build a completely new career. I would begin a new, independent life.... Well... that’s all.... Well, of course I was wrong to kill the old woman.... Well, that’s enough.”

He struggled to the end of his speech in exhaustion and let his head sink.

He struggled to finish speaking, exhausted, and let his head sink.

“Oh, that’s not it, that’s not it,” Sonia cried in distress. “How could one... no, that’s not right, not right.”

“Oh, that’s not it, that’s not it,” Sonia cried in distress. “How could anyone... no, that’s not right, not right.”

“You see yourself that it’s not right. But I’ve spoken truly, it’s the truth.”

“You can see for yourself that it’s not right. But I’ve spoken honestly, it’s the truth.”

“As though that could be the truth! Good God!”

“As if that could be true! Good God!”

“I’ve only killed a louse, Sonia, a useless, loathsome, harmful creature.”

“I only killed a louse, Sonia, a useless, disgusting, harmful creature.”

“A human being—a louse!”

“A human being, a louse!”

“I too know it wasn’t a louse,” he answered, looking strangely at her. “But I am talking nonsense, Sonia,” he added. “I’ve been talking nonsense a long time.... That’s not it, you are right there. There were quite, quite other causes for it! I haven’t talked to anyone for so long, Sonia.... My head aches dreadfully now.”

“I know it wasn’t a louse too,” he answered, looking at her strangely. “But I’m talking nonsense, Sonia,” he added. “I’ve been talking nonsense for a long time.... That’s not it, you’re right about that. There were other reasons for it, very different reasons! I haven’t talked to anyone for so long, Sonia.... My head aches terribly now.”

His eyes shone with feverish brilliance. He was almost delirious; an uneasy smile strayed on his lips. His terrible exhaustion could be seen through his excitement. Sonia saw how he was suffering. She too was growing dizzy. And he talked so strangely; it seemed somehow comprehensible, but yet... “But how, how! Good God!” And she wrung her hands in despair.

His eyes shone with a feverish brightness. He was almost delirious, and an uneasy smile flickered on his lips. Despite his excitement, his terrible exhaustion showed. Sonia could see how he was suffering. She was growing dizzy too. And he spoke so strangely. Somehow, she seemed to understand, and yet... “But how, how! Good God!” She wrung her hands in despair.

“No, Sonia, that’s not it,” he began again suddenly, raising his head, as though a new and sudden train of thought had struck and as it were roused him—“that’s not it! Better... imagine—yes, it’s certainly better—imagine that I am vain, envious, malicious, base, vindictive and... well, perhaps with a tendency to insanity. (Let’s have it all out at once! They’ve talked of madness already, I noticed.) I told you just now I could not keep myself at the university. But do you know that perhaps I might have done? My mother would have sent me what I needed for the fees and I could have earned enough for clothes, boots and food, no doubt. Lessons had turned up at half a rouble. Razumihin works! But I turned sulky and wouldn’t. (Yes, sulkiness, that’s the right word for it!) I sat in my room like a spider. You’ve been in my den, you’ve seen it.... And do you know, Sonia, that low ceilings and tiny rooms cramp the soul and the mind? Ah, how I hated that garret! And yet I wouldn’t go out of it! I wouldn’t on purpose! I didn’t go out for days together, and I wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t even eat, I just lay there doing nothing. If Nastasya brought me anything, I ate it, if she didn’t, I went all day without; I wouldn’t ask, on purpose, from sulkiness! At night I had no light, I lay in the dark and I wouldn’t earn money for candles. I ought to have studied, but I sold my books; and the dust lies an inch thick on the notebooks on my table. I preferred lying still and thinking. And I kept thinking.... And I had dreams all the time, strange dreams of all sorts, no need to describe! Only then I began to fancy that... No, that’s not it! Again I am telling you wrong! You see I kept asking myself then: why am I so stupid that if others are stupid—and I know they are—yet I won’t be wiser? Then I saw, Sonia, that if one waits for everyone to get wiser it will take too long.... Afterwards I understood that that would never come to pass, that men won’t change and that nobody can alter it and that it’s not worth wasting effort over it. Yes, that’s so. That’s the law of their nature, Sonia,... that’s so!... And I know now, Sonia, that whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. Anyone who is greatly daring is right in their eyes. He who despises most things will be a lawgiver among them and he who dares most of all will be most in the right! So it has been till now and so it will always be. A man must be blind not to see it!”

“No, Sonia, that’s not it,” he suddenly began again, raising his head. It was as if a sudden new thought had awakened him. “That’s not it! Better... imagine, yes, that’s certainly better, imagine that I’m vain, envious, malicious, base, vindictive and... well, perhaps prone to insanity. (Let’s get it all out at once! I noticed they’ve already talked about madness.) I just told you I couldn’t afford to stay at the university. But do you know, perhaps I could have? My mother would have sent me the money for fees. And I could surely have earned enough for clothes, boots and food. Tutoring jobs had come up, paying half a rouble. Razumihin works! But I got sulky and refused. (Yes, sulkiness, that’s the right word!) I sat in my room like a spider. You’ve been in my den. You’ve seen it.... “And do you know, Sonia, that low ceilings and tiny rooms cramp the soul and the mind? Ah, how I hated that attic room! And yet I refused to leave it! I stayed inside on purpose! For days at a time, I didn’t go out. I refused to work or even eat. I just lay there doing nothing. If Nastasya brought me anything, I ate it. If she didn’t, I went all day without food. I refused to ask, on purpose, out of sulkiness! At night I had no light. I lay in the dark and refused to earn money for candles. I should have been studying, but I sold my books. And the dust is an inch thick on the notebooks on my table. I preferred to lie still and think. And I kept thinking.... I had dreams all the time, strange dreams of every kind. There’s no need to describe them! “It was only then that I began to imagine that... No, that’s not it! I’m telling you wrong again! You see, I kept asking myself: why am I so stupid? If others are stupid, and I know they are, why won’t I be wiser? Then I saw, Sonia, that waiting for everyone to get wiser would take too long.... Later, I understood that it would never happen. People won’t change, nobody can change that, and it isn’t worth wasting effort on it. Yes, that’s so. It’s the law of their nature, Sonia,... that’s so!... And now I know, Sonia, that whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. In their eyes, anyone who dares greatly is right. Whoever despises most things will make their laws. And whoever dares the most will be the most right! That’s how it has been until now, and that’s how it will always be. A man would have to be blind not to see it!”

Though Raskolnikov looked at Sonia as he said this, he no longer cared whether she understood or not. The fever had complete hold of him; he was in a sort of gloomy ecstasy (he certainly had been too long without talking to anyone). Sonia felt that this gloomy creed had become his faith and code.

Raskolnikov looked at Sonia as he said this, but he no longer cared whether she understood him. The fever had taken complete hold of him. He was in a kind of gloomy ecstasy. (He had certainly gone too long without talking to anyone.) Sonia sensed that this gloomy creed had become his faith and his code.

“I divined then, Sonia,” he went on eagerly, “that power is only vouchsafed to the man who dares to stoop and pick it up. There is only one thing, one thing needful: one has only to dare! Then for the first time in my life an idea took shape in my mind which no one had ever thought of before me, no one! I saw clear as daylight how strange it is that not a single person living in this mad world has had the daring to go straight for it all and send it flying to the devil! I... I wanted to have the daring... and I killed her. I only wanted to have the daring, Sonia! That was the whole cause of it!”

“I realized then, Sonia,” he went on eagerly, “that power comes only to the man who dares to stoop and pick it up. There is only one thing, one thing needed: you only have to dare! Then, for the first time in my life, an idea formed in my mind. No one had ever thought of it before me, no one! I saw as clearly as daylight how strange it was. Not one person alive in this mad world had dared to go straight for it all and send it flying to the devil! I... I wanted to dare... and I killed her. I only wanted to dare, Sonia! That was the whole reason!”

“Oh hush, hush,” cried Sonia, clasping her hands. “You turned away from God and God has smitten you, has given you over to the devil!”

“Oh, be quiet, be quiet,” cried Sonia, clasping her hands. “You turned away from God, and God has struck you down. He has handed you over to the devil!”

“Then, Sonia, when I used to lie there in the dark and all this became clear to me, was it a temptation of the devil, eh?”

“Then, Sonia, when I used to lie there in the dark and all this became clear to me, was the devil tempting me?”

“Hush, don’t laugh, blasphemer! You don’t understand, you don’t understand! Oh God! He won’t understand!”

“Quiet, don’t laugh, blasphemer! You don’t understand, you don’t understand! Oh God! He won’t understand!”

“Hush, Sonia! I am not laughing. I know myself that it was the devil leading me. Hush, Sonia, hush!” he repeated with gloomy insistence. “I know it all, I have thought it all over and over and whispered it all over to myself, lying there in the dark.... I’ve argued it all over with myself, every point of it, and I know it all, all! And how sick, how sick I was then of going over it all! I kept wanting to forget it and make a new beginning, Sonia, and leave off thinking. And you don’t suppose that I went into it headlong like a fool? I went into it like a wise man, and that was just my destruction. And you mustn’t suppose that I didn’t know, for instance, that if I began to question myself whether I had the right to gain power—I certainly hadn’t the right—or that if I asked myself whether a human being is a louse it proved that it wasn’t so for me, though it might be for a man who would go straight to his goal without asking questions.... If I worried myself all those days, wondering whether Napoleon would have done it or not, I felt clearly of course that I wasn’t Napoleon. I had to endure all the agony of that battle of ideas, Sonia, and I longed to throw it off: I wanted to murder without casuistry, to murder for my own sake, for myself alone! I didn’t want to lie about it even to myself. It wasn’t to help my mother I did the murder—that’s nonsense—I didn’t do the murder to gain wealth and power and to become a benefactor of mankind. Nonsense! I simply did it; I did the murder for myself, for myself alone, and whether I became a benefactor to others, or spent my life like a spider catching men in my web and sucking the life out of men, I couldn’t have cared at that moment.... And it was not the money I wanted, Sonia, when I did it. It was not so much the money I wanted, but something else.... I know it all now.... Understand me! Perhaps I should never have committed a murder again. I wanted to find out something else; it was something else led me on. I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like everybody else or a man. Whether I can step over barriers or not, whether I dare stoop to pick up or not, whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right...”

“Hush, Sonia! I’m not laughing. I know the devil was leading me. Hush, Sonia, hush!” he repeated with gloomy insistence. “I know it all. I’ve thought it all over, again and again, and whispered it all to myself as I lay there in the dark.... I’ve argued every point with myself, and I know it all, all! And how sick, how sick I was then of going over it all! I kept wanting to forget it, make a fresh start, Sonia, and stop thinking. And you don’t suppose I rushed into it like a fool? I went into it like a wise man, and that was exactly what destroyed me. “And you mustn’t suppose I didn’t know this, for example. If I had to ask myself whether I had the right to gain power, then I certainly didn’t. And if I asked myself whether a human being was a louse, that proved it wasn’t true for me. Though it might be true for a man who would go straight for his goal without asking questions.... For days I worried about whether Napoleon would have done it. Of course, I knew clearly that I wasn’t Napoleon. “I had to endure all the agony of that battle of ideas, Sonia, and I longed to be free of it. I wanted to murder without making clever excuses, to murder for my own sake, for myself alone! I didn’t even want to lie to myself about it. I didn’t commit the murder to help my mother. That’s nonsense. I didn’t do it to gain wealth and power and become someone who helped humanity. Nonsense! I simply did it. I committed the murder for myself, for myself alone. At that moment, I didn’t care whether I went on to help others. I didn’t care if I spent my life like a spider, catching men in my web and sucking the life out of them.... “And it wasn’t the money I wanted, Sonia, when I did it. It wasn’t so much the money I wanted, but something else.... I know it all now.... Understand me! Perhaps I would never have committed another murder. I wanted to find out something else. Something else drove me on. I wanted to find out then, and quickly, whether I was a louse like everybody else or a man. Whether I can step over barriers or not, whether I dare stoop to pick up or not, whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right...”

“To kill? Have the right to kill?” Sonia clasped her hands.

“Ach, Sonia!” he cried irritably and seemed about to make some retort, but was contemptuously silent. “Don’t interrupt me, Sonia. I want to prove one thing only, that the devil led me on then and he has shown me since that I had not the right to take that path, because I am just such a louse as all the rest. He was mocking me and here I’ve come to you now! Welcome your guest! If I were not a louse, should I have come to you? Listen: when I went then to the old woman’s I only went to try.... You may be sure of that!”

“Oh, Sonia!” he cried irritably. He seemed about to argue back, but fell silent in contempt. “Don’t interrupt me, Sonia. I only want to prove one thing. The devil led me on then. Since then, he has shown me that I had no right to take that path, because I’m a louse, just like everyone else. He was mocking me, and now I’ve come to you! Welcome your guest! If I weren’t a louse, would I have come to you? Listen: when I went to the old woman’s place that time, I only went to try.... You can be sure of that!”

“And you murdered her!”

“But how did I murder her? Is that how men do murders? Do men go to commit a murder as I went then? I will tell you some day how I went! Did I murder the old woman? I murdered myself, not her! I crushed myself once for all, for ever.... But it was the devil that killed that old woman, not I. Enough, enough, Sonia, enough! Let me be!” he cried in a sudden spasm of agony, “let me be!”

“But how did I murder her? Is that how men commit murder? Do men go to commit murder the way I did? I’ll tell you someday how I went! Did I murder the old woman? I murdered myself, not her! I crushed myself once and for all, forever.... But the devil killed that old woman, not me. Enough, enough, Sonia, enough! Leave me alone!” he cried in a sudden burst of agony, “leave me alone!”

He leaned his elbows on his knees and squeezed his head in his hands as in a vise.

He rested his elbows on his knees and squeezed his head in his hands as if it were in a vise.

“What suffering!” A wail of anguish broke from Sonia.

“What suffering!” Sonia cried out in anguish.

“Well, what am I to do now?” he asked, suddenly raising his head and looking at her with a face hideously distorted by despair.

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?” he asked. He suddenly raised his head and looked at her, his face horribly twisted with despair.

“What are you to do?” she cried, jumping up, and her eyes that had been full of tears suddenly began to shine. “Stand up!” (She seized him by the shoulder, he got up, looking at her almost bewildered.) “Go at once, this very minute, stand at the cross-roads, bow down, first kiss the earth which you have defiled and then bow down to all the world and say to all men aloud, ‘I am a murderer!’ Then God will send you life again. Will you go, will you go?” she asked him, trembling all over, snatching his two hands, squeezing them tight in hers and gazing at him with eyes full of fire.

“What should you do?” she cried, jumping up. Her eyes, which had been full of tears, suddenly began to shine. “Stand up!” (She grabbed his shoulder. He stood up, looking at her, almost bewildered.) “Go right now, this very minute. Stand at the crossroads and bow down. First kiss the earth you have defiled. Then bow down to the whole world and say aloud to everyone, ‘I am a murderer!’ Then God will give you life again. Will you go, will you go?” she asked, trembling all over. She seized both his hands and squeezed them tightly, gazing at him with eyes full of fire.

He was amazed at her sudden ecstasy.

He was amazed by her sudden joy.

“You mean Siberia, Sonia? I must give myself up?” he asked gloomily.

“You mean Siberia, Sonia? Do I have to turn myself in?” he asked gloomily.

“Suffer and expiate your sin by it, that’s what you must do.”

“You must suffer and atone for your sin through that suffering.”

“No! I am not going to them, Sonia!”

“No! I'm not going to them, Sonia!”

“But how will you go on living? What will you live for?” cried Sonia, “how is it possible now? Why, how can you talk to your mother? (Oh, what will become of them now?) But what am I saying? You have abandoned your mother and your sister already. He has abandoned them already! Oh, God!” she cried, “why, he knows it all himself. How, how can he live by himself! What will become of you now?”

“But how will you go on living? What will you live for?” cried Sonia. “How is it possible now? How can you talk to your mother? (Oh, what will become of them now?) But what am I saying? You’ve already abandoned your mother and sister. He’s already abandoned them! Oh, God!” she cried. “He knows all of it himself. How, how can he live on his own? What will become of you now?”

“Don’t be a child, Sonia,” he said softly. “What wrong have I done them? Why should I go to them? What should I say to them? That’s only a phantom.... They destroy men by millions themselves and look on it as a virtue. They are knaves and scoundrels, Sonia! I am not going to them. And what should I say to them—that I murdered her, but did not dare to take the money and hid it under a stone?” he added with a bitter smile. “Why, they would laugh at me, and would call me a fool for not getting it. A coward and a fool! They wouldn’t understand and they don’t deserve to understand. Why should I go to them? I won’t. Don’t be a child, Sonia....”

“Don’t be childish, Sonia,” he said softly. “What wrong have I done them? Why should I go to them? What should I say to them? That’s just a phantom.... They kill millions of people themselves and call it a virtue. They’re crooks and scoundrels, Sonia! I’m not going to them. And what should I tell them? That I murdered her, but didn’t dare take the money and hid it under a stone?” he added with a bitter smile. “Why, they’d laugh at me and call me a fool for not taking it. A coward and a fool! They wouldn’t understand, and they don’t deserve to understand. Why should I go to them? I won’t. Don’t be childish, Sonia....”

“It will be too much for you to bear, too much!” she repeated, holding out her hands in despairing supplication.

“It will be too much for you to bear, too much!” she repeated, holding out her hands in desperate pleading.

“Perhaps I’ve been unfair to myself,” he observed gloomily, pondering, “perhaps after all I am a man and not a louse and I’ve been in too great a hurry to condemn myself. I’ll make another fight for it.”

“Perhaps I’ve been unfair to myself,” he said gloomily, lost in thought. “Perhaps I am a man after all, not a louse, and I was too quick to condemn myself. I’ll fight for it again.”

A haughty smile appeared on his lips.

An arrogant smile appeared on his lips.

“What a burden to bear! And your whole life, your whole life!”

“What a burden to carry! And for your whole life, your whole life!”

“I shall get used to it,” he said grimly and thoughtfully. “Listen,” he began a minute later, “stop crying, it’s time to talk of the facts: I’ve come to tell you that the police are after me, on my track....”

“I’ll get used to it,” he said grimly, lost in thought. A minute later, he began, “Listen, stop crying. It’s time to talk about the facts. I’ve come to tell you that the police are after me. They’re on my trail....”

“Ach!” Sonia cried in terror.

“Oh!” Sonia cried in terror.

“Well, why do you cry out? You want me to go to Siberia and now you are frightened? But let me tell you: I shall not give myself up. I shall make a struggle for it and they won’t do anything to me. They’ve no real evidence. Yesterday I was in great danger and believed I was lost; but to-day things are going better. All the facts they know can be explained two ways, that’s to say I can turn their accusations to my credit, do you understand? And I shall, for I’ve learnt my lesson. But they will certainly arrest me. If it had not been for something that happened, they would have done so to-day for certain; perhaps even now they will arrest me to-day.... But that’s no matter, Sonia; they’ll let me out again... for there isn’t any real proof against me, and there won’t be, I give you my word for it. And they can’t convict a man on what they have against me. Enough.... I only tell you that you may know.... I will try to manage somehow to put it to my mother and sister so that they won’t be frightened.... My sister’s future is secure, however, now, I believe... and my mother’s must be too.... Well, that’s all. Be careful, though. Will you come and see me in prison when I am there?”

“Well, why are you crying out? You want me to go to Siberia, and now you’re frightened? But let me tell you: I’m not going to turn myself in. I’ll fight, and they won’t be able to do anything to me. They have no real evidence. Yesterday I was in great danger and thought I was lost. But today things are going better. Every fact they know can be explained two ways. That means I can turn their accusations to my advantage, do you understand? And I will, because I’ve learned my lesson. But they’ll certainly arrest me. If something hadn’t happened, they would have arrested me today for certain. Perhaps they’ll still arrest me today.... But that doesn’t matter, Sonia. They’ll let me out again... because there’s no real proof against me, and there won’t be. I give you my word. They can’t convict a man on the evidence they have against me. Enough.... I’m only telling you so you’ll know.... I’ll try somehow to explain it to my mother and sister so they won’t be frightened.... Still, I believe my sister’s future is secure now... and my mother’s must be too.... Well, that’s all. But be careful. Will you come and see me when I’m in prison?”

“Oh, I will, I will.”

They sat side by side, both mournful and dejected, as though they had been cast up by the tempest alone on some deserted shore. He looked at Sonia and felt how great was her love for him, and strange to say he felt it suddenly burdensome and painful to be so loved. Yes, it was a strange and awful sensation! On his way to see Sonia he had felt that all his hopes rested on her; he expected to be rid of at least part of his suffering, and now, when all her heart turned towards him, he suddenly felt that he was immeasurably unhappier than before.

They sat side by side, both sad and dejected, as if a storm had washed them ashore alone on a deserted coast. He looked at Sonia and felt how deeply she loved him. Strangely, he suddenly found her love burdensome and painful. Yes, it was a strange and awful feeling! On his way to see Sonia, he had felt that all his hopes rested on her. He had expected her to relieve at least some of his suffering. But now, when she gave him all her heart, he suddenly felt immeasurably unhappier than before.

“Sonia,” he said, “you’d better not come and see me when I am in prison.”

“Sonia,” he said, “you’d better not visit me when I’m in prison.”

Sonia did not answer, she was crying. Several minutes passed.

Sonia didn't answer. She was crying. Several minutes passed.

“Have you a cross on you?” she asked, as though suddenly thinking of it.

“Do you have a cross on you?” she asked, as though she had just thought of it.

He did not at first understand the question.

At first, he did not understand the question.

“No, of course not. Here, take this one, of cypress wood. I have another, a copper one that belonged to Lizaveta. I changed with Lizaveta: she gave me her cross and I gave her my little ikon. I will wear Lizaveta’s now and give you this. Take it... it’s mine! It’s mine, you know,” she begged him. “We will go to suffer together, and together we will bear our cross!”

“No, of course not. Here, take this one. It’s made of cypress wood. I have another one, a copper cross that belonged to Lizaveta. Lizaveta and I traded. She gave me her cross, and I gave her my little icon. I’ll wear Lizaveta’s cross now and give you this one. Take it... it’s mine! It’s mine, you know,” she pleaded. “We’ll go and suffer together, and together we’ll bear our cross!”

“Give it me,” said Raskolnikov.

“Give it to me,” said Raskolnikov.

He did not want to hurt her feelings. But immediately he drew back the hand he held out for the cross.

He did not want to hurt her feelings. But he immediately pulled back the hand he had held out for the cross.

“Not now, Sonia. Better later,” he added to comfort her.

“Not now, Sonia. Later would be better,” he added to comfort her.

“Yes, yes, better,” she repeated with conviction, “when you go to meet your suffering, then put it on. You will come to me, I’ll put it on you, we will pray and go together.”

“Yes, yes, that’s better,” she repeated firmly. “Put it on when you go to face your suffering. Come to me, and I’ll put it on you. We’ll pray and go together.”

At that moment someone knocked three times at the door.

At that moment, someone knocked on the door three times.

“Sofya Semyonovna, may I come in?” they heard in a very familiar and polite voice.

“Sofya Semyonovna, may I come in?” they heard a very familiar, polite voice ask.

Sonia rushed to the door in a fright. The flaxen head of Mr. Lebeziatnikov appeared at the door.

Sonia rushed to the door, frightened. Mr. Lebeziatnikov's blond head appeared in the doorway.