"I had not always bleared eyes and red eyelids; neither did my nose always touch my chin; nor was I always a servant. I am the daughter of Pope Urban X, and of the Princess of Palestrina. Until the age of fourteen I was brought up in a palace, to which all the castles of your German barons would scarcely have served for stables; and one of my robes was worth more than all the magnificence of Westphalia. As I grew up I improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful accomplishment, in the midst of pleasures, hopes, and respectful homage. Already I inspired love. My throat was formed, and such a throat! white, firm, and shaped like that of the Venus of Medici; and what eyes! what eyelids! what black eyebrows! such flames darted from my dark pupils that they eclipsed the scintillation of the stars—as I was told by the poets in our part of the world. My waiting women, when dressing and undressing me, used to fall into an ecstasy, whether they viewed me before or behind; how glad would the gentlemen have been to perform that office for them!
"I did not always have bleary eyes and red eyelids. My nose did not always seem to touch my chin. I was not always a servant. I am the daughter of Pope Urban X, and of the Princess of Palestrina. Until I was fourteen, I was raised in a palace. Even the castles of your German barons would hardly have served as stables for it. One of my gowns was worth more than all the splendor of Westphalia. As I grew up I became more beautiful and clever. I learned every graceful accomplishment. I lived surrounded by pleasures, hopes, and respectful admiration. I already inspired love. My throat had taken shape. What a throat. White, firm, and shaped like the Venus of Medici. And what eyes, what eyelids, what black eyebrows! Flames shot from my dark pupils. They outshone the stars, or so the poets in our region told me. My waiting women, when they dressed and undressed me, would fall into ecstasy whether they looked at me from the front or the back. How gladly the gentlemen would have done that task for them!
The following posthumous note of Voltaire's was first added to M. Beuchot's edition of his works issued in 1829; "See the extreme discretion of the author; there has not been up to the present any Pope named Urban X.; he feared to give a bastard to a known Pope. What circumspection! What delicacy of conscience!" The last Pope Urban was the eighth, and he died in 1644.
"I was affianced to the most excellent Prince of Massa Carara. Such a prince! as handsome as myself, sweet-tempered, agreeable, brilliantly witty, and sparkling with love. I loved him as one loves for the first time—with idolatry, with transport. The nuptials were prepared. There was surprising pomp and magnificence; there were fêtes, carousals, continual opera bouffe; and all Italy composed sonnets in my praise, though not one of them was passable. I was just upon the point of reaching the summit of bliss, when an old marchioness who had been mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited him to drink chocolate with her. He died in less than two hours of most terrible convulsions. But this is only a bagatelle. My mother, in despair, and scarcely less afflicted than myself, determined to absent herself for some time from so fatal a place. She had a very fine estate in the neighbourhood of Gaeta. We embarked on board a galley of the country which was gilded like the great altar of St. Peter's at Rome. A Sallee corsair swooped down and boarded us. Our men defended themselves like the Pope's soldiers; they flung themselves upon their knees, and threw down their arms, begging of the corsair an absolution in articulo mortis.
"I was engaged to the most excellent Prince of Massa Carara. Such a prince! He was as handsome as I was, sweet-tempered, agreeable, brilliantly witty, and sparkling with love. I loved him as one loves for the first time, with idolatry, with rapture. The wedding was prepared. There was astonishing pomp and magnificence. There were fêtes, pageants on horseback, and continual opera bouffe. All Italy composed sonnets in my praise, though not one of them was passable. I was just about to reach the height of bliss when an old marchioness, who had been the mistress of the Prince, my husband, invited him to drink chocolate with her. He died in less than two hours, in the most terrible convulsions. But this is only a trifle. My mother was in despair, and hardly less grief-stricken than I was. She decided to get away for a while from so fatal a place. She had a very fine estate near Gaeta. We boarded a local galley, gilded like the great altar of St. Peter's in Rome. A Sallee corsair swooped down and boarded us. Our men defended themselves like the Pope's soldiers. They threw themselves on their knees and threw down their arms, begging the corsair for absolution in articulo mortis.
"Instantly they were stripped as bare as monkeys; my mother, our maids of honour, and myself were all served in the same manner. It is amazing with what expedition those gentry undress people. But what surprised me most was, that they thrust their fingers into the part of our bodies which the generality of women suffer no other instrument but—pipes to enter. It appeared to me a very strange kind of ceremony; but thus one judges of things when one has not seen the world. I afterwards learnt that it was to try whether we had concealed any diamonds. This is the practice established from time immemorial, among civilised nations that scour the seas. I was informed that the very religious Knights of Malta never fail to make this search when they take any Turkish prisoners of either sex. It is a law of nations from which they never deviate.
"Instantly they were stripped as bare as monkeys. My mother, our maids of honor, and I were all treated the same way. It is amazing how quickly those gentlemen undress people. But what surprised me most was that they thrust their fingers into the part of our bodies where most women allow no other instrument to enter, except, well, enema pipes. It seemed a very strange kind of ceremony to me. But that is how one judges things when one has not seen the world. I learned afterward that it was to find out whether we had hidden any diamonds. This practice has been established since time immemorial among civilized nations that scour the seas. I was told that the very religious Knights of Malta never fail to make this search when they take Turkish prisoners of either sex. It is a law of nations from which they never stray.
"I need not tell you how great a hardship it was for a young princess and her mother to be made slaves and carried to Morocco. You may easily imagine all we had to suffer on board the pirate vessel. My mother was still very handsome; our maids of honour, and even our waiting women, had more charms than are to be found in all Africa. As for myself, I was ravishing, was exquisite, grace itself, and I was a virgin! I did not remain so long; this flower, which had been reserved for the handsome Prince of Massa Carara, was plucked by the corsair captain. He was an abominable negro, and yet believed that he did me a great deal of honour. Certainly the Princess of Palestrina and myself must have been very strong to go through all that we experienced until our arrival at Morocco. But let us pass on; these are such common things as not to be worth mentioning.
"I need not tell you how hard it was for a young princess and her mother to be enslaved and taken to Morocco. You can easily imagine everything we suffered on board the pirate vessel. My mother was still very beautiful. Our maids of honour, and even our waiting women, had more charms than are to be found in all of Africa. As for me, I was ravishing and exquisite. I was grace itself, and I was a virgin! I did not remain so long. The flower that had been reserved for the handsome Prince of Massa Carara was plucked by the corsair captain. He was an abominable Black man, and yet he believed he was doing me a great honour. Certainly the Princess of Palestrina and I must have been very strong to endure all that we went through before our arrival in Morocco. But let us move on. These are such ordinary things they are not worth mentioning.
"Morocco swam in blood when we arrived. Fifty sons of the Emperor Muley-Ismael had each their adherents; this produced fifty civil wars, of blacks against blacks, and blacks against tawnies, and tawnies against tawnies, and mulattoes against mulattoes. In short it was a continual carnage throughout the empire.
"Morocco was awash in blood when we arrived. Fifty sons of the Emperor Muley-Ismael each had their own followers. This led to fifty civil wars. They were fights of blacks against blacks, blacks against tawnies, tawnies against tawnies, and mulattoes against mulattoes. In short, it was constant carnage across the empire.
Muley-Ismael was Emperor of Morocco from 1672 to 1727, and was a notoriously cruel tyrant.
"No sooner were we landed, than the blacks of a contrary faction to that of my captain attempted to rob him of his booty. Next to jewels and gold we were the most valuable things he had. I was witness to such a battle as you have never seen in your European climates. The northern nations have not that heat in their blood, nor that raging lust for women, so common in Africa. It seems that you Europeans have only milk in your veins; but it is vitriol, it is fire which runs in those of the inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighbouring countries. They fought with the fury of the lions, tigers, and serpents of the country, to see who should have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm, while my captain's lieutenant held her by the left; a Moorish soldier had hold of her by one leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. Thus almost all our women were drawn in quarters by four men. My captain concealed me behind him; and with his drawn scimitar cut and slashed every one that opposed his fury. At length I saw all our Italian women, and my mother herself, torn, mangled, massacred, by the monsters who disputed over them. The slaves, my companions, those who had taken them, soldiers, sailors, blacks, whites, mulattoes, and at last my captain, all were killed, and I remained dying on a heap of dead. Such scenes as this were transacted through an extent of three hundred leagues—and yet they never missed the five prayers a day ordained by Mahomet.
"No sooner had we landed than the blacks of a faction opposed to my captain tried to rob him of his booty. After the jewels and gold, we were his most valuable possessions. I witnessed a battle you would never see in Europe. People in northern countries do not have that heat in their blood. They lack the fierce lust for women common in Africa. It seems you Europeans have only milk in your veins. In the inhabitants of Mount Atlas and nearby lands there is vitriol and fire in their blood. They fought with the fury of the country's lions, tigers, and serpents. They fought to decide who would have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm. My captain's lieutenant held her by the left. A Moorish soldier grabbed one of her legs, and one of our corsairs held the other. Thus nearly all our women were torn apart by four men. My captain hid me behind him. With his drawn scimitar he cut and slashed everyone who opposed him. At last I saw all our Italian women, and my own mother, torn and mangled. They were massacred by the monsters fighting over them. The slaves, my companions, those who had captured us, the soldiers, the sailors, blacks, whites, and mulattoes were all killed. Even my captain died. I lay dying on a heap of corpses. Scenes like this happened over a stretch of three hundred leagues. Yet they never missed the five daily prayers ordained by Mahomet.
"With difficulty I disengaged myself from such a heap of slaughtered bodies, and crawled to a large orange tree on the bank of a neighbouring rivulet, where I fell, oppressed with fright, fatigue, horror, despair, and hunger. Immediately after, my senses, overpowered, gave themselves up to sleep, which was yet more swooning than repose. I was in this state of weakness and insensibility, between life and death, when I felt myself pressed by something that moved upon my body. I opened my eyes, and saw a white man, of good countenance, who sighed, and who said between his teeth: 'O che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!'"
"I struggled out from among the heap of slaughtered bodies. I crawled to a large orange tree by a nearby stream. There I collapsed, weighed down by fear, exhaustion, horror, despair, and hunger. Soon my exhausted senses gave way. I fell into a sleep that felt more like fainting than rest. I lay in that weak, half-unconscious state, between life and death. Then I felt something move and press against my body. I opened my eyes and saw a white man with a pleasant face. He sighed and muttered between his teeth: O che sciagura d'essere senza coglioni!"
"Oh, what a misfortune to be an eunuch!"