Book 7

Deceased was now that my evil and abominable youth, and I was passing into early manhood; the more defiled by vain things as I grew in years, who could not imagine any substance, but such as is wont to be seen with these eyes. I thought not of Thee, O God, under the figure of a human body; since I began to hear aught of wisdom, I always avoided this; and rejoiced to have found the same in the faith of our spiritual mother, Thy Catholic Church. But what else to conceive of Thee I knew not. And I, a man, and such a man, sought to conceive of Thee the sovereign, only, true God; and I did in my inmost soul believe that Thou wert incorruptible, and uninjurable, and unchangeable; because though not knowing whence or how, yet I saw plainly, and was sure, that that which may be corrupted must be inferior to that which cannot; what could not be injured I preferred unhesitatingly to what could receive injury; the unchangeable to things subject to change. My heart passionately cried out against all my phantoms, and with this one blow I sought to beat away from the eye of my mind all that unclean troop which buzzed around it. And lo, being scarce put off, in the twinkling of an eye they gathered again thick about me, flew against my face, and beclouded it; so that though not under the form of the human body, yet was I constrained to conceive of Thee (that incorruptible, uninjurable, and unchangeable, which I preferred before the corruptible, and injurable, and changeable) as being in space, whether infused into the world, or diffused infinitely without it. Because whatsoever I conceived, deprived of this space, seemed to me nothing, yea altogether nothing, not even a void, as if a body were taken out of its place, and the place should remain empty of any body at all, of earth and water, air and heaven, yet would it remain a void place, as it were a spacious nothing.

My wicked and shameful youth was now behind me as I entered early adulthood. Yet as I aged, I became more corrupted by meaningless pursuits, unable to grasp any reality beyond what my eyes could see. Though I believed in God, I couldn't picture Him in human form—a notion I had long rejected and was glad to find absent from the Catholic Church's teachings. Still, I struggled to understand what God truly was. I, despite my flaws, tried to comprehend You, the supreme and only true God. Deep down, I believed You were incorruptible, invulnerable, and immutable. My reasoning was clear: whatever can be corrupted must be lesser than what cannot; the invulnerable superior to the vulnerable; the unchangeable preferable to the changeable. My heart fought fiercely against these illusions, trying to clear them from my mind in one sweep. But these impure thoughts, barely dismissed, would swarm back instantly, clouding my vision. Though I knew You weren't in human form, I still had to imagine You—the incorruptible, invulnerable, and unchangeable being I valued above all else—as existing in space, either permeating the world or extending infinitely beyond it. Anything I imagined without spatial dimensions seemed like nothing at all—not even empty space, like when an object is removed leaving a void, absent of earth, water, air, or sky. Even that void would be something—a vast nothingness.

I then being thus gross-hearted, nor clear even to myself, whatsoever was not extended over certain spaces, nor diffused, nor condensed, nor swelled out, or did not or could not receive some of these dimensions, I thought to be altogether nothing. For over such forms as my eyes are wont to range, did my heart then range: nor yet did I see that this same notion of the mind, whereby I formed those very images, was not of this sort, and yet it could not have formed them, had not itself been some great thing. So also did I endeavour to conceive of Thee, Life of my life, as vast, through infinite spaces on every side penetrating the whole mass of the universe, and beyond it, every way, through unmeasurable boundless spaces; so that the earth should have Thee, the heaven have Thee, all things have Thee, and they be bounded in Thee, and Thou bounded nowhere. For that as the body of this air which is above the earth, hindereth not the light of the sun from passing through it, penetrating it, not by bursting or by cutting, but by filling it wholly: so I thought the body not of heaven, air, and sea only, but of the earth too, pervious to Thee, so that in all its parts, the greatest as the smallest, it should admit Thy presence, by a secret inspiration, within and without, directing all things which Thou hast created. So I guessed, only as unable to conceive aught else, for it was false. For thus should a greater part of the earth contain a greater portion of Thee, and a less, a lesser: and all things should in such sort be full of Thee, that the body of an elephant should contain more of Thee, than that of a sparrow, by how much larger it is, and takes up more room; and thus shouldest Thou make the several portions of Thyself present unto the several portions of the world, in fragments, large to the large, petty to the petty. But such art not Thou. But not as yet hadst Thou enlightened my darkness.

At that time, my thinking was clouded and uncertain. I couldn't grasp anything that wasn't physically measurable—things that couldn't be spread out, concentrated, expanded, or measured in some way seemed completely nonexistent to me. My mind could only process what my eyes could see, even though the very thought process I used to form these mental images wasn't physical itself. Despite this limitation, my mind had to be something significant to create such images at all. I tried to understand You, the Life of my life, as an immense force penetrating infinite space, flowing through the entire universe and beyond, through endless unmeasured expanses. I imagined You pervading everything—earth, heaven, all things contained within You, while You remained unbounded. Just as sunlight passes through air above Earth—not by breaking or cutting through it, but by filling it completely—I thought You must penetrate not just heaven, air, and sea, but earth too. I believed You existed in everything, large and small, through some hidden influence, guiding all Your creation from within and without. But this reasoning was flawed, born from my inability to conceive anything else. It suggested that larger parts of Earth would contain more of You than smaller parts, as if You were divisible. By this logic, an elephant would contain more of You than a sparrow simply because it occupies more space, as if You could be broken into pieces—larger portions for larger things, smaller for smaller things. But this isn't Your nature. Back then, I was still in darkness, unenlightened.

It was enough for me, Lord, to oppose to those deceived deceivers, and dumb praters, since Thy word sounded not out of them;—that was enough which long ago, while we were yet at Carthage, Nebridius used to propound, at which all we that heard it were staggered: "That said nation of darkness, which the Manichees are wont to set as an opposing mass over against Thee, what could it have done unto Thee, hadst Thou refused to fight with it? For, if they answered, 'it would have done Thee some hurt,' then shouldest Thou be subject to injury and corruption: but it could do Thee no hurt,' then was no reason brought for Thy fighting with it; and fighting in such wise, as that a certain portion or member of Thee, or offspring of Thy very Substance, should be mingled with opposed powers, and natures not created by Thee, and be by them so far corrupted and changed to the worse, as to be turned from happiness into misery, and need assistance, whereby it might be extricated and purified; and that this offspring of Thy Substance was the soul, which being enthralled, defiled, corrupted, Thy Word, free, pure, and whole, might relieve; that Word itself being still corruptible because it was of one and the same Substance. So then, should they affirm Thee, whatsoever Thou art, that is, Thy Substance whereby Thou art, to be incorruptible, then were all these sayings false and execrable; but if corruptible, the very statement showed it to be false and revolting." This argument then of Nebridius sufficed against those who deserved wholly to be vomited out of the overcharged stomach; for they had no escape, without horrible blasphemy of heart and tongue, thus thinking and speaking of Thee.

Lord, it was enough for me to counter those deceptive and empty-talking frauds, since Your word wasn't in them. I recalled what Nebridius proposed back in Carthage that left us all stunned: "What harm could this 'nation of darkness' that the Manicheans claim opposes God have done if You had refused to fight it? If they say it could have harmed You, that would mean You're vulnerable to injury and corruption. But if they say it couldn't harm You, then there was no reason to fight it at all. And to fight in such a way that part of Your very Substance would mix with hostile powers and foreign elements—becoming corrupted and changed from joy to misery, needing rescue and purification? They claim this corrupted piece of Your Substance was the soul, which Your Word—free, pure and complete—would save. Yet they also claimed the Word itself could be corrupted, being of the same Substance. So if they declare Your Substance to be incorruptible, their whole argument falls apart as false and despicable. But if they claim You're corruptible, that statement itself proves how wrong and offensive their thinking is." Nebridius's logic was enough to counter these people who deserved to be completely rejected. They had no defense without committing horrible blasphemy in both thought and speech about You.

But I also as yet, although I held and was firmly persuaded that Thou our Lord the true God, who madest not only our souls, but our bodies, and not only our souls and bodies, but all beings, and all things, wert undefilable and unalterable, and in no degree mutable; yet understood I not, clearly and without difficulty, the cause of evil. And yet whatever it were, I perceived it was in such wise to be sought out, as should not constrain me to believe the immutable God to be mutable, lest I should become that evil I was seeking out. I sought it out then, thus far free from anxiety, certain of the untruth of what these held, from whom I shrunk with my whole heart: for I saw, that through enquiring the origin of evil, they were filled with evil, in that they preferred to think that Thy substance did suffer ill than their own did commit it.

Though I firmly believed that You, our Lord and true God, created not just our souls and bodies, but all beings and things, and that You were pure and unchangeable, I still struggled to understand the origin of evil. Yet I knew that in seeking this answer, I must not allow myself to doubt God's immutable nature, for then I would become part of the evil I was investigating. I pursued this question with some peace of mind, knowing with certainty that those I rejected were wrong. I saw that in their search for evil's origins, they became corrupted, choosing to believe that Your divine essence could suffer evil rather than admit their own wrongdoing.

And I strained to perceive what I now heard, that free-will was the cause of our doing ill, and Thy just judgment of our suffering ill. But I was not able clearly to discern it. So then endeavouring to draw my soul's vision out of that deep pit, I was again plunged therein, and endeavouring often, I was plunged back as often. But this raised me a little into Thy light, that I knew as well that I had a will, as that I lived: when then I did will or nill any thing, I was most sure that no other than myself did will and nill: and I all but saw that there was the cause of my sin. But what I did against my will, I saw that I suffered rather than did, and I judged not to be my fault, but my punishment; whereby, however, holding Thee to be just, I speedily confessed myself to be not unjustly punished. But again I said, Who made me? Did not my God, Who is not only good, but goodness itself? Whence then came I to will evil and nill good, so that I am thus justly punished? who set this in me, and ingrafted into me this plant of bitterness, seeing I was wholly formed by my most sweet God? If the devil were the author, whence is that same devil? And if he also by his own perverse will, of a good angel became a devil, whence, again, came in him that evil will whereby he became a devil, seeing the whole nature of angels was made by that most good Creator? By these thoughts I was again sunk down and choked; yet not brought down to that hell of error (where no man confesseth unto Thee), to think rather that Thou dost suffer ill, than that man doth it.

I struggled to understand what I was hearing—that free will causes us to do wrong, and Your fair judgment causes us to suffer for it. Unable to fully grasp this, I tried repeatedly to lift my thoughts from confusion, only to fall back each time. Yet these attempts brought me closer to Your light, helping me realize I had free will just as surely as I lived. When I chose to do or not do something, I knew without doubt it was my own choice. I began to see this was the source of my sin. Yet what I did unwillingly felt more like something done to me than by me. I considered this not my fault but my punishment. Believing You to be just, I accepted that my punishment was fair. But then I questioned: Who created me? Was it not my God, who is goodness itself? So why did I choose evil over good, leading to this justified punishment? Who planted this bitterness in me, when I was created by my loving God? If the devil was responsible, where did he come from? And if he became evil through his own choice, having once been a good angel, what caused that evil choice, since You, the good Creator, made all angels? These thoughts overwhelmed me again, though not so deeply that I believed the false idea that You suffer evil rather than humans doing evil.

For I was in such wise striving to find out the rest, as one who had already found that the incorruptible must needs be better than the corruptible: and Thee therefore, whatsoever Thou wert, I confessed to be incorruptible. For never soul was, nor shall be, able to conceive any thing which may be better than Thou, who art the sovereign and the best good. But since most truly and certainly, the incorruptible is preferable to the corruptible (as I did now prefer it), then, wert Thou not incorruptible, I could in thought have arrived at something better than my God. Where then I saw the incorruptible to be preferable to the corruptible, there ought I to seek for Thee, and there observe "wherein evil itself was"; that is, whence corruption comes, by which Thy substance can by no means be impaired. For corruption does no ways impair our God; by no will, by no necessity, by no unlooked-for chance: because He is God, and what He wills is good, and Himself is that good; but to be corrupted is not good. Nor art Thou against Thy will constrained to any thing, since Thy will is not greater than Thy power. But greater should it be, were Thyself greater than Thyself. For the will and power of God is God Himself. And what can be unlooked-for by Thee, Who knowest all things? Nor is there any nature in things, but Thou knowest it. And what should we more say, "why that substance which God is should not be corruptible," seeing if it were so, it should not be God?

I was searching for truth, having already discovered that the unchangeable must be superior to the changeable. Therefore, whatever You were, I knew You must be unchangeable. No mind has ever conceived, nor will ever conceive, anything greater than You, the ultimate and highest good. Since the unchangeable is clearly better than the changeable (as I now understood), if You were not unchangeable, my mind could have imagined something better than God. Thus, where I recognized the unchangeable as superior to the changeable, there I needed to seek You and understand "the nature of evil"—that is, the source of corruption, which cannot affect Your essence. For corruption cannot touch our God through any will, necessity, or unexpected event. Because He is God, what He wills is good, and He is that good itself; corruption is not good. You are never forced against Your will, since Your will matches Your power perfectly. If Your will were greater, You would be greater than Yourself—which is impossible, as God's will and power are God Himself. What could surprise You, who knows everything? There is nothing in existence You do not know. What more needs to be said about why God's essence cannot be corruptible? If it were, it simply wouldn't be God.

And I sought "whence is evil," and sought in an evil way; and saw not the evil in my very search. I set now before the sight of my spirit the whole creation, whatsoever we can see therein (as sea, earth, air, stars, trees, mortal creatures); yea, and whatever in it we do not see, as the firmament of heaven, all angels moreover, and all the spiritual inhabitants thereof. But these very beings, as though they were bodies, did my fancy dispose in place, and I made one great mass of Thy creation, distinguished as to the kinds of bodies; some, real bodies, some, what myself had feigned for spirits. And this mass I made huge, not as it was (which I could not know), but as I thought convenient, yet every way finite. But Thee, O Lord, I imagined on every part environing and penetrating it, though every way infinite: as if there were a sea, every where, and on every side, through unmeasured space, one only boundless sea, and it contained within it some sponge, huge, but bounded; that sponge must needs, in all its parts, be filled from that unmeasurable sea: so conceived I Thy creation, itself finite, full of Thee, the Infinite; and I said, Behold God, and behold what God hath created; and God is good, yea, most mightily and incomparably better than all these: but yet He, the Good, created them good; and see how He environeth and fulfils them. Where is evil then, and whence, and how crept it in hither? What is its root, and what its seed? Or hath it no being? Why then fear we and avoid what is not? Or if we fear it idly, then is that very fear evil, whereby the soul is thus idly goaded and racked. Yea, and so much a greater evil, as we have nothing to fear, and yet do fear. Therefore either is that evil which we fear, or else evil is, that we fear. Whence is it then? seeing God, the Good, hath created all these things good. He indeed, the greater and chiefest Good, hath created these lesser goods; still both Creator and created, all are good. Whence is evil? Or, was there some evil matter of which He made, and formed, and ordered it, yet left something in it which He did not convert into good? Why so then? Had He no might to turn and change the whole, so that no evil should remain in it, seeing He is All-mighty? Lastly, why would He make any thing at all of it, and not rather by the same All-mightiness cause it not to be at all? Or, could it then be against His will? Or if it were from eternity, why suffered He it so to be for infinite spaces of times past, and was pleased so long after to make something out of it? Or if He were suddenly pleased now to effect somewhat, this rather should the All-mighty have effected, that this evil matter should not be, and He alone be, the whole, true, sovereign, and infinite Good. Or if it was not good that He who was good should not also frame and create something that were good, then, that evil matter being taken away and brought to nothing, He might form good matter, whereof to create all things. For He should not be All-mighty, if He might not create something good without the aid of that matter which Himself had not created. These thoughts I revolved in my miserable heart, overcharged with most gnawing cares, lest I should die ere I had found the truth; yet was the faith of Thy Christ, our Lord and Saviour, professed in the Church Catholic, firmly fixed in my heart, in many points, indeed, as yet unformed, and fluctuating from the rule of doctrine; yet did not my mind utterly leave it, but rather daily took in more and more of it.

I searched for the source of evil, but did so wrongly, blind to the evil in my very search. I imagined all of creation before me—everything visible (seas, earth, air, stars, trees, living creatures) and invisible (the heavens, angels, and spiritual beings). In my mind, I arranged these as if they were physical objects, creating one vast collection of your creation, sorted by type—some real, some imagined spiritual beings. I made this collection huge but finite, unlike its true unknowable nature. I imagined you, Lord, surrounding and penetrating it all, infinite in every direction. It was like an endless sea containing a large but limited sponge—that sponge would be completely saturated by the boundless ocean. That's how I saw your creation: finite yet filled with your infinity. I said, "Here is God, and here is what God created." God is good, far better than all these things, and being good, created them good. See how he surrounds and fills them. So where does evil come from? How did it enter? What are its origins? Does it even exist? If not, why do we fear what isn't real? If our fear is baseless, isn't that fear itself an evil, needlessly tormenting our souls? The greater evil is fearing something that doesn't exist. So either what we fear is evil, or our fear itself is evil. Where does this evil come from, since God, who is good, created everything good? He, the supreme Good, created these lesser goods. Both creator and creation are good. So again, where is evil from? Was there some evil material He used but didn't fully transform to good? Why not? Wasn't He powerful enough to convert everything to good, being all-powerful? Why make anything from evil material instead of using His power to prevent its existence? Could anything resist His will? If evil existed eternally, why did He tolerate it for so long before creating something from it? If He suddenly decided to create now, shouldn't He, being all-powerful, have eliminated this evil material, remaining alone as the complete, true, supreme, and infinite Good? Or if it wasn't right for Him, being good, to not create something good, couldn't He have destroyed the evil material and created good material instead? He wouldn't be all-powerful if He needed pre-existing material He hadn't created to make something good. These thoughts consumed my troubled heart. I feared death before finding truth, yet my faith in Christ, professed in the Catholic Church, remained firm in my heart. Though my understanding was incomplete and sometimes strayed from doctrine, my mind never abandoned it but grew stronger in faith daily.

By this time also had I rejected the lying divinations and impious dotages of the astrologers. Let Thine own mercies, out of my very inmost soul, confess unto Thee for this also, O my God. For Thou, Thou altogether (for who else calls us back from the death of all errors, save the Life which cannot die, and the Wisdom which needing no light enlightens the minds that need it, whereby the universe is directed, down to the whirling leaves of trees?)—Thou madest provision for my obstinacy wherewith I struggled against Vindicianus, an acute old man, and Nebridius, a young man of admirable talents; the first vehemently affirming, and the latter often (though with some doubtfulness) saying, "That there was no such art whereby to foresee things to come, but that men's conjectures were a sort of lottery, and that out of many things which they said should come to pass, some actually did, unawares to them who spake it, who stumbled upon it, through their oft speaking." Thou providedst then a friend for me, no negligent consulter of the astrologers; nor yet well skilled in those arts, but (as I said) a curious consulter with them, and yet knowing something, which he said he had heard of his father, which how far it went to overthrow the estimation of that art, he knew not. This man then, Firminus by name, having had a liberal education, and well taught in Rhetoric, consulted me, as one very dear to him, what, according to his so-called constellations, I thought on certain affairs of his, wherein his worldly hopes had risen, and I, who had herein now begun to incline towards Nebridius' opinion, did not altogether refuse to conjecture, and tell him what came into my unresolved mind; but added, that I was now almost persuaded that these were but empty and ridiculous follies. Thereupon he told me that his father had been very curious in such books, and had a friend as earnest in them as himself, who with joint study and conference fanned the flame of their affections to these toys, so that they would observe the moments whereat the very dumb animals, which bred about their houses, gave birth, and then observed the relative position of the heavens, thereby to make fresh experiments in this so-called art. He said then that he had heard of his father, that what time his mother was about to give birth to him, Firminus, a woman-servant of that friend of his father's was also with child, which could not escape her master, who took care with most exact diligence to know the births of his very puppies. And so it was that (the one for his wife, and the other for his servant, with the most careful observation, reckoning days, hours, nay, the lesser divisions of the hours) both were delivered at the same instant; so that both were constrained to allow the same constellations, even to the minutest points, the one for his son, the other for his new-born slave. For so soon as the women began to be in labour, they each gave notice to the other what was fallen out in their houses, and had messengers ready to send to one another so soon as they had notice of the actual birth, of which they had easily provided, each in his own province, to give instant intelligence. Thus then the messengers of the respective parties met, he averred, at such an equal distance from either house that neither of them could make out any difference in the position of the stars, or any other minutest points; and yet Firminus, born in a high estate in his parents' house, ran his course through the gilded paths of life, was increased in riches, raised to honours; whereas that slave continued to serve his masters, without any relaxation of his yoke, as Firminus, who knew him, told me.

By this time I had also rejected the false prophecies and ungodly nonsense of astrologers. Let me acknowledge Your mercy for this, my God, from the depths of my soul. You alone—for who else saves us from fatal errors except the immortal Life and the self-illuminating Wisdom that guides everything, down to falling leaves? You helped me overcome my stubbornness in arguing against Vindicianus, a sharp-minded elder, and Nebridius, a brilliant young man. Vindicianus insisted strongly, while Nebridius often suggested (though with some uncertainty), that there was no real art of predicting the future. They said people's predictions were mere guesswork, and when they occasionally came true, it was just by chance due to making so many predictions. You then brought me a friend named Firminus, who regularly consulted astrologers without being an expert himself. He knew something from his father that might discredit astrology, though he wasn't sure how much. Firminus, well-educated and skilled in rhetoric, sought my opinion about his future prospects based on his "star chart." Though I was beginning to agree with Nebridius, I shared my uncertain thoughts while adding that I now considered such things foolish nonsense. He then told me about his father's deep interest in astrology and a like-minded friend. Together, they fueled their obsession, even tracking the birth times of animals born near their homes to study the corresponding star positions. Firminus said that when his mother was about to give birth to him, his father's friend's servant was also pregnant. His father's friend, who meticulously recorded even the births of his dogs, carefully noted both births. Both women delivered at exactly the same moment, with both men recording precise times down to the smallest fraction. This meant both babies had identical star charts—one for the master's son, one for the servant's child. When labor began, the women notified each other, and messengers stood ready to announce the births. The messengers met at exactly halfway between the houses, confirming identical star positions. Yet Firminus, born to wealth, lived a privileged life of increasing fortune and honor, while the slave's child remained in perpetual servitude, as Firminus, who knew him, told me.

Upon hearing and believing these things, told by one of such credibility, all that my resistance gave way; and first I endeavoured to reclaim Firminus himself from that curiosity, by telling him that upon inspecting his constellations, I ought if I were to predict truly, to have seen in them parents eminent among their neighbours, a noble family in its own city, high birth, good education, liberal learning. But if that servant had consulted me upon the same constellations, since they were his also, I ought again (to tell him too truly) to see in them a lineage the most abject, a slavish condition, and every thing else utterly at variance with the former. Whence then, if I spake the truth, I should, from the same constellations, speak diversely, or if I spake the same, speak falsely: thence it followed most certainly that whatever, upon consideration of the constellations, was spoken truly, was spoken not out of art, but chance; and whatever spoken falsely, was not out of ignorance in the art, but the failure of the chance.

After hearing these credible claims, my resistance crumbled. First, I tried to guide Firminus away from his fascination with astrology. I explained that if I were to make accurate predictions based on his star chart, I should have seen signs of distinguished parents, respected in their community, a noble family heritage, excellent education, and classical learning. However, if that servant had asked me to read the same star configuration—since they shared the same stars—I would have had to truthfully predict a completely different fate: the lowest social status, enslavement, and circumstances entirely opposite to Firminus's. So if I spoke truthfully, I would have to give contradictory readings from identical stars. And if I gave identical readings, one would necessarily be false. This clearly proves that any accurate astrological prediction comes from luck rather than skill, while inaccurate predictions stem not from poor technique but from simple misfortune.

An opening thus made, ruminating with myself on the like things, that no one of those dotards (who lived by such a trade, and whom I longed to attack, and with derision to confute) might urge against me that Firminus had informed me falsely, or his father him; I bent my thoughts on those that are born twins, who for the most part come out of the womb so near one to other, that the small interval (how much force soever in the nature of things folk may pretend it to have) cannot be noted by human observation, or be at all expressed in those figures which the astrologer is to inspect, that he may pronounce truly. Yet they cannot be true: for looking into the same figures, he must have predicted the same of Esau and Jacob, whereas the same happened not to them. Therefore he must speak falsely; or if truly, then, looking into the same figures, he must not give the same answer. Not by art, then, but by chance, would he speak truly. For Thou, O Lord, most righteous Ruler of the Universe, while consulters and consulted know it not, dost by Thy hidden inspiration effect that the consulter should hear what, according to the hidden deservings of souls, he ought to hear, out of the unsearchable depth of Thy just judgment, to Whom let no man say, What is this? Why that? Let him not so say, for he is man.

I reflected on the case of twins, realizing none of those fraudulent astrologers (whom I wanted to challenge and mock) could claim Firminus or his father had misled me. Consider that twins emerge from the womb nearly simultaneously, with a gap so tiny that no human could measure it—let alone capture it in the charts astrologers claim to interpret with accuracy. Yet their predictions cannot be true. Looking at identical charts, an astrologer would have to make identical predictions for Esau and Jacob, though their lives turned out quite differently. So either the astrologer speaks falsely, or if truthfully, must give different readings for identical charts. This means any accurate prediction comes from luck, not skill. For You, Lord, most just Ruler of the Universe, work in hidden ways. Neither the fortune-teller nor the seeker knows that through Your divine guidance, the seeker hears what they need to hear, according to the mysterious worthiness of souls—all flowing from the depths of Your righteous judgment. Let no one question "Why this?" or "Why that?" Such questions are beyond human understanding.

Now then, O my Helper, hadst Thou loosed me from those fetters: and I sought "whence is evil," and found no way. But Thou sufferedst me not by any fluctuations of thought to be carried away from the Faith whereby I believed Thee both to be, and Thy substance to be unchangeable, and that Thou hast a care of, and wouldest judge men, and that in Christ, Thy Son, Our Lord, and the holy Scriptures, which the authority of Thy Catholic Church pressed upon me, Thou hadst set the way of man's salvation, to that life which is to be after this death. These things being safe and immovably settled in my mind, I sought anxiously "whence was evil?" What were the pangs of my teeming heart, what groans, O my God! yet even there were Thine ears open, and I knew it not; and when in silence I vehemently sought, those silent contritions of my soul were strong cries unto Thy mercy. Thou knewest what I suffered, and no man. For, what was that which was thence through my tongue distilled into the ears of my most familiar friends? Did the whole tumult of my soul, for which neither time nor utterance sufficed, reach them? Yet went up the whole to Thy hearing, all which I roared out from the groanings of my heart; and my desire was before Thee, and the light of mine eyes was not with me: for that was within, I without: nor was that confined to place, but I was intent on things contained in place, but there found I no resting-place, nor did they so receive me, that I could say, "It is enough," "it is well": nor did they yet suffer me to turn back, where it might be well enough with me. For to these things was I superior, but inferior to Thee; and Thou art my true joy when subjected to Thee, and Thou hadst subjected to me what Thou createdst below me. And this was the true temperament, and middle region of my safety, to remain in Thy Image, and by serving Thee, rule the body. But when I rose proudly against Thee, and ran against the Lord with my neck, with the thick bosses of my buckler, even these inferior things were set above me, and pressed me down, and no where was there respite or space of breathing. They met my sight on all sides by heaps and troops, and in thought the images thereof presented themselves unsought, as I would return to Thee, as if they would say unto me, "Whither goest thou, unworthy and defiled?" And these things had grown out of my wound; for Thou "humbledst the proud like one that is wounded," and through my own swelling was I separated from Thee; yea, my pride-swollen face closed up mine eyes.

Even as You helped me break free from those chains, I searched for the source of evil but found no answer. Yet You did not let my wandering thoughts shake my Faith—my belief in Your existence, Your unchanging nature, Your watchful care, and Your judgment of mankind. Through Christ Your Son, our Lord, and the Holy Scriptures (supported by the Catholic Church's authority), You showed me the path to salvation beyond death. With these truths firmly anchored in my mind, I still desperately wondered: "Where does evil come from?" What anguish filled my heart, what groans, O God! Your ears were open, though I didn't realize it. My silent, intense searching and my soul's quiet distress were powerful cries to Your mercy. You alone knew my suffering. Could my closest friends, hearing fragments through my words, understand the complete turmoil in my soul? Time and words weren't enough to express it. Yet You heard everything—all my heart's desperate cries. My yearning lay before You, but I had lost my inner light. Though my distress was internal, I looked outward for answers. I searched among earthly things but found no peace, no place to say "This is enough" or "All is well." Nor could I retreat to safety. I was above these worldly things but beneath You. True joy comes only in submission to You, just as You placed Your creation under my authority. This was the perfect balance for my wellbeing: to remain in Your image, serving You while governing the body. But when I proudly rebelled against You, charging like a warrior with raised shield, these lesser things rose above me, crushing me until I couldn't breathe. Everywhere I looked, they overwhelmed me. When I tried returning to You, their images haunted my thoughts, taunting: "Where do you think you're going, you unworthy, tainted one?" These torments grew from my own wound—for You "humble the proud like one who is wounded." My swelling pride separated me from You, and my puffed-up face blinded my eyes.

But Thou, Lord, abidest for ever, yet not for ever art Thou angry with us; because Thou pitiest our dust and ashes, and it was pleasing in Thy sight to reform my deformities; and by inward goads didst Thou rouse me, that I should be ill at ease, until Thou wert manifested to my inward sight. Thus, by the secret hand of Thy medicining was my swelling abated, and the troubled and bedimmed eyesight of my mind, by the smarting anointings of healthful sorrows, was from day to day healed.

Lord, you remain eternal, yet your anger toward us is not endless. You show mercy to us—mere dust and ashes—and it pleased you to reshape my flaws. Through inner promptings, you stirred within me a divine restlessness that could only be calmed when you revealed yourself to my soul. Like a skilled physician working in secret, you reduced my pride, while my clouded mental vision was gradually restored through the healing balm of beneficial suffering.

And Thou, willing first to show me how Thou resistest the proud, but givest grace unto the humble, and by how great an act of Thy mercy Thou hadst traced out to men the way of humility, in that Thy Word was made flesh, and dwelt among men:—Thou procuredst for me, by means of one puffed up with most unnatural pride, certain books of the Platonists, translated from Greek into Latin. And therein I read, not indeed in the very words, but to the very same purpose, enforced by many and divers reasons, that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God: the Same was in the beginning with God: all things were made by Him, and without Him was nothing made: that which was made by Him is life, and the life was the light of men, and the light shineth in the darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not. And that the soul of man, though it bears witness to the light, yet itself is not that light; but the Word of God, being God, is that true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world. And that He was in the world, and the world was made by Him, and the world knew Him not. But, that He came unto His own, and His own received Him not; but as many as received Him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God, as many as believed in His name; this I read not there.

You first wanted to show me how You resist the proud but give grace to the humble. You also showed me how, through Your great mercy, You created a path of humility for humanity when Your Word became flesh and lived among us. You provided me, through someone filled with unnatural pride, certain Platonist texts translated from Greek to Latin. In these, I found teachings that matched—though not word for word—those reinforced through various arguments: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." This Word existed with God from the start, and everything was created through Him—nothing was made without Him. What He created is life, and that life was humanity's light. This light shines in darkness, though darkness doesn't understand it. While the human soul witnesses this light, it isn't the light itself. Rather, God's Word, being God, is the true light that illuminates everyone who enters the world. Though He was in the world He created, the world didn't recognize Him. And while He came to His own people, they rejected Him. However, I didn't find in those texts that He gave those who accepted Him—those who believed in His name—the power to become God's children.

Again I read there, that God the Word was born not of flesh nor of blood, nor of the will of man, nor of the will of the flesh, but of God. But that the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, I read not there. For I traced in those books that it was many and divers ways said, that the Son was in the form of the Father, and thought it not robbery to be equal with God, for that naturally He was the Same Substance. But that He emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men, and found in fashion as a man, humbled Himself, and became obedient unto death, and that the death of the cross: wherefore God exalted Him from the dead, and gave Him a name above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should how, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; and that every tongue should confess that the Lord Jesus Christ is in the glory of God the Father; those books have not. For that before all times and above all times Thy Only-Begotten Son remaineth unchangeable, co-eternal with Thee, and that of His fulness souls receive, that they may be blessed; and that by participation of wisdom abiding in them, they are renewed, so as to be wise, is there. But that in due time He died for the ungodly; and that Thou sparedst not Thine Only Son, but deliveredst Him for us all, is not there. For Thou hiddest these things from the wise, and revealedst them to babes; that they that labour and are heavy laden might come unto Him, and He refresh them, because He is meek and lowly in heart; and the meek He directeth in judgment, and the gentle He teacheth His ways, beholding our lowliness and trouble, and forgiving all our sins. But such as are lifted up in the lofty walk of some would-be sublimer learning, hear not Him, saying, Learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest to your souls. Although they knew God, yet they glorify Him not as God, nor are thankful, but wax vain in their thoughts; and their foolish heart is darkened; professing that they were wise, they became fools.

I read there that God's Word was born not from flesh, blood, or human will, but from God Himself. However, I did not find mention that the Word became flesh and lived among us. While these books spoke in various ways of the Son being equal to the Father in form and substance, they omitted His humbling transformation. They didn't speak of how He took the form of a servant, became human, and submitted Himself to death on the cross. Nor did they tell of how God then raised Him, giving Him a name above all others, so that at Jesus's name every knee should bow—in heaven, on earth, and below—and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ exists in God the Father's glory. These texts acknowledge that Your Son exists eternally with You, unchanged before and above all time. They speak of how souls receive His abundance and find blessing, and how they gain wisdom through participating in His wisdom. But they don't mention His death for sinners, or how You sacrificed Your only Son for everyone's sake. You concealed these truths from the supposedly wise and revealed them to the innocent. You showed how the weary could find rest in Him because of His humble heart. He guides the modest with good judgment and teaches the gentle His ways, seeing our struggles and forgiving our sins. But those who pride themselves on their superior knowledge refuse to hear His invitation: "Learn from Me, for I am humble and gentle in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Though they recognize God, they neither glorify nor thank Him. Instead, their thoughts become meaningless and their foolish hearts darken. While claiming wisdom, they become fools.

And therefore did I read there also, that they had changed the glory of Thy incorruptible nature into idols and divers shapes, into the likeness of the image of corruptible man, and birds, and beasts, and creeping things; namely, into that Egyptian food for which Esau lost his birthright, for that Thy first-born people worshipped the head of a four-footed beast instead of Thee; turning in heart back towards Egypt; and bowing Thy image, their own soul, before the image of a calf that eateth hay. These things found I here, but I fed not on them. For it pleased Thee, O Lord, to take away the reproach of diminution from Jacob, that the elder should serve the younger: and Thou calledst the Gentiles into Thine inheritance. And I had come to Thee from among the Gentiles; and I set my mind upon the gold which Thou willedst Thy people to take from Egypt, seeing Thine it was, wheresoever it were. And to the Athenians Thou saidst by Thy Apostle, that in Thee we live, move, and have our being, as one of their own poets had said. And verily these books came from thence. But I set not my mind on the idols of Egypt, whom they served with Thy gold, who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator.

I also read how they had degraded Your eternal nature into idols of various forms—images of mortal humans, birds, animals, and reptiles. This was like the Egyptian food that caused Esau to lose his birthright, as Your chosen people worshipped a four-legged beast instead of You. They turned their hearts back to Egypt, degrading their souls—Your image within them—by bowing before a hay-eating calf. I found these accounts, but they did not sway me. Instead, You chose to remove Jacob's shame of being the younger son, declaring that the elder would serve the younger, and You welcomed the Gentiles into Your inheritance. I came to You as one of those Gentiles, and I focused on the gold You allowed Your people to take from Egypt, knowing it was Yours wherever it existed. Through Your Apostle, You told the Athenians that in You we live, move, and exist, as even their own poets acknowledged. These teachings indeed came from there. But I did not focus on Egypt's idols, which they served using Your gold, as they twisted God's truth into lies and worshipped creation instead of the Creator.

And being thence admonished to return to myself, I entered even into my inward self, Thou being my Guide: and able I was, for Thou wert become my Helper. And I entered and beheld with the eye of my soul (such as it was), above the same eye of my soul, above my mind, the Light Unchangeable. Not this ordinary light, which all flesh may look upon, nor as it were a greater of the same kind, as though the brightness of this should be manifold brighter, and with its greatness take up all space. Not such was this light, but other, yea, far other from these. Nor was it above my soul, as oil is above water, nor yet as heaven above earth: but above to my soul, because It made me; and I below It, because I was made by It. He that knows the Truth, knows what that Light is; and he that knows It, knows eternity. Love knoweth it. O Truth Who art Eternity! and Love Who art Truth! and Eternity Who art Love! Thou art my God, to Thee do I sigh night and day. Thee when I first knew, Thou liftedst me up, that I might see there was what I might see, and that I was not yet such as to see. And Thou didst beat back the weakness of my sight, streaming forth Thy beams of light upon me most strongly, and I trembled with love and awe: and I perceived myself to be far off from Thee, in the region of unlikeness, as if I heard this Thy voice from on high: "I am the food of grown men, grow, and thou shalt feed upon Me; nor shalt thou convert Me, like the food of thy flesh into thee, but thou shalt be converted into Me." And I learned, that Thou for iniquity chastenest man, and Thou madest my soul to consume away like a spider. And I said, "Is Truth therefore nothing because it is not diffused through space finite or infinite?" And Thou criedst to me from afar: "Yet verily, I AM that I AM." And I heard, as the heart heareth, nor had I room to doubt, and I should sooner doubt that I live than that Truth is not, which is clearly seen, being understood by those things which are made.

Guided by You, I turned inward to examine myself, and found I was capable of this introspection because You had become my support. As I looked deeper, I saw with my soul's vision—limited as it was—a Light above my mind that never changes. This wasn't ordinary light that physical eyes can see, nor was it simply a brighter version of that light. It wasn't like this light multiplied or filling all space. No, this Light was completely different. It didn't float above my soul like oil on water, nor was it distant like the sky above earth. Instead, it was above my soul because it created me, and I was below it because I am its creation. Those who know Truth understand this Light, and in understanding it, they know eternity. Love knows this Light. O Truth that is Eternal! Love that is Truth! Eternity that is Love! You are my God, and I long for You day and night. When I first knew You, You lifted me up to show me what was possible to see, though I wasn't yet ready to fully see it. You pushed back against my weak vision, flooding me with your intense light. I trembled with love and awe, realizing how far I was from You, in a place of unlikeness. It was as if I heard Your voice from above saying, "I am food for the mature—grow, and you will feed on Me. But you won't transform Me into yourself like ordinary food; instead, you will be transformed into Me." I learned that You discipline us for our wrongs, making my soul waste away like a spider's web. I wondered, "Is Truth nothing just because it doesn't exist in finite or infinite space?" You called back from afar: "I AM WHO I AM." I heard this in my heart, leaving no room for doubt. I would sooner doubt my own existence than doubt Truth, which is clearly visible through all creation.

And I beheld the other things below Thee, and I perceived that they neither altogether are, nor altogether are not, for they are, since they are from Thee, but are not, because they are not what Thou art. For that truly is which remains unchangeably. It is good then for me to hold fast unto God; for if I remain not in Him, I cannot in myself; but He remaining in Himself, reneweth all things. And Thou art the Lord my God, since Thou standest not in need of my goodness.

I saw everything beneath You and realized that these things exist in an in-between state—they both are and are not. They exist because they come from You, yet they are not complete because they differ from Your nature. True existence belongs only to that which never changes. So it's best for me to stay connected to God, since I cannot sustain myself alone. While God remains constant, He continuously renews everything. You are my Lord and God, and You have no need for my goodness.

And it was manifested unto me, that those things be good which yet are corrupted; which neither were they sovereignly good, nor unless they were good could be corrupted: for if sovereignly good, they were incorruptible, if not good at all, there were nothing in them to be corrupted. For corruption injures, but unless it diminished goodness, it could not injure. Either then corruption injures not, which cannot be; or which is most certain, all which is corrupted is deprived of good. But if they be deprived of all good, they shall cease to be. For if they shall be, and can now no longer be corrupted, they shall be better than before, because they shall abide incorruptibly. And what more monstrous than to affirm things to become better by losing all their good? Therefore, if they shall be deprived of all good, they shall no longer be. So long therefore as they are, they are good: therefore whatsoever is, is good. That evil then which I sought, whence it is, is not any substance: for were it a substance, it should be good. For either it should be an incorruptible substance, and so a chief good: or a corruptible substance; which unless it were good, could not be corrupted. I perceived therefore, and it was manifested to me that Thou madest all things good, nor is there any substance at all, which Thou madest not; and for that Thou madest not all things equal, therefore are all things; because each is good, and altogether very good, because our God made all things very good.

It became clear to me that things that can be corrupted must first contain good, since if they were perfectly good they couldn't be corrupted, and if they contained no good at all, there would be nothing in them to corrupt. Corruption causes harm by reducing goodness—if it didn't diminish goodness, it wouldn't be harmful. So either corruption doesn't cause harm (which is impossible), or more logically, anything that becomes corrupted loses some of its goodness. If something loses all its goodness, it ceases to exist. If things could exist without any goodness, they would actually be better off since they could no longer be corrupted. But it's absurd to suggest that losing all goodness makes something better. Therefore, when something loses all its goodness, it must cease to exist. As long as things exist, they must contain some good. So everything that exists contains some good. The evil I was searching for isn't a substance—if it were, it would have to be good. It would either be an incorruptible substance (making it supremely good) or a corruptible substance (which must contain good to be corruptible). I realized then that God made all things good, and there is no substance He didn't create. Because He didn't make all things equal, everything exists as it is—each thing is good individually, and together everything is very good, because our God made all things very good.

And to Thee is nothing whatsoever evil: yea, not only to Thee, but also to Thy creation as a whole, because there is nothing without, which may break in, and corrupt that order which Thou hast appointed it. But in the parts thereof some things, because unharmonising with other some, are accounted evil: whereas those very things harmonise with others, and are good; and in themselves are good. And all these things which harmonise not together, do yet with the inferior part, which we call Earth, having its own cloudy and windy sky harmonising with it. Far be it then that I should say, "These things should not be": for should I see nought but these, I should indeed long for the better; but still must even for these alone praise Thee; for that Thou art to be praised, do show from the earth, dragons, and all deeps, fire, hail, snow, ice, and stormy wind, which fulfil Thy word; mountains, and all hills, fruitful trees, and all cedars; beasts, and all cattle, creeping things, and flying fowls; kings of the earth, and all people, princes, and all judges of the earth; young men and maidens, old men and young, praise Thy Name. But when, from heaven, these praise Thee, praise Thee, our God, in the heights all Thy angels, all Thy hosts, sun and moon, all the stars and light, the Heaven of heavens, and the waters that be above the heavens, praise Thy Name; I did not now long for things better, because I conceived of all: and with a sounder judgment I apprehended that the things above were better than these below, but altogether better than those above by themselves.

Nothing is truly evil to You, or even to Your creation as a whole, since nothing external can break in and corrupt the order You have established. In certain parts, some things appear evil because they conflict with others, yet these same things harmonize with different elements and are inherently good. Things that seem discordant still find harmony with the Earth below, with its cloudy and stormy skies. I shouldn't say "These things shouldn't exist." Even if these were all I could see, I would wish for better things but would still praise You for these alone. For You deserve praise, as shown by all earthly things: dragons and ocean depths, fire and hail, snow and ice, storm winds that follow Your command; mountains and hills, fruit trees and cedars; animals and livestock, crawling creatures and birds; earthly kings and all peoples, princes and judges; young men and women, the old and young—all praise Your Name. And when the heavenly bodies praise You—our God in the heights, all Your angels, Your armies, sun and moon, stars and light, the highest heavens and the waters above—I no longer yearn for better things, having understood the whole picture. With clearer judgment, I saw that while the things above were better than those below, everything together was better than the heavenly things alone.

There is no soundness in them, whom aught of Thy creation displeaseth: as neither in me, when much which Thou hast made, displeased me. And because my soul durst not be displeased at my God, it would fain not account that Thine, which displeased it. Hence it had gone into the opinion of two substances, and had no rest, but talked idly. And returning thence, it had made to itself a God, through infinite measures of all space; and thought it to be Thee, and placed it in its heart; and had again become the temple of its own idol, to Thee abominable. But after Thou hadst soothed my head, unknown to me, and closed mine eyes that they should not behold vanity, I ceased somewhat of my former self, and my frenzy was lulled to sleep; and I awoke in Thee, and saw Thee infinite, but in another way, and this sight was not derived from the flesh.

Those who dislike any part of Your creation are unsound, as I was when I rejected much of what You made. Since my soul dared not blame God directly, it refused to accept these things as Your work. This led me to believe in two separate forces, leaving me restless and speaking nonsense. Turning away from this truth, I created my own god, one that filled all of space, and convinced myself it was You. I placed this false god in my heart, making myself a temple to my own idol—something You found hateful. But then You quietly calmed my mind and closed my eyes to prevent them from seeing emptiness. I began to let go of my old self, and my madness faded away. I awakened to find You, seeing Your infinite nature in a new light—one that came from beyond physical perception.

And I looked back on other things; and I saw that they owed their being to Thee; and were all bounded in Thee: but in a different way; not as being in space; but because Thou containest all things in Thine hand in Thy Truth; and all things are true so far as they nor is there any falsehood, unless when that is thought to be, which is not. And I saw that all things did harmonise, not with their places only, but with their seasons. And that Thou, who only art Eternal, didst not begin to work after innumerable spaces of times spent; for that all spaces of times, both which have passed, and which shall pass, neither go nor come, but through Thee, working and abiding.

I looked back and saw that everything owed its existence to You and was contained within You—not in a physical space, but because You hold all things in Your hand of Truth. All things are true to the extent they exist, and falsehood only occurs when we believe something exists that does not. I saw how everything harmonized, not just in their physical places but also in their proper times. And You, being the only Eternal One, did not begin creating after countless ages had passed. Rather, all periods of time—past and future—flow only through You, as You continue working while remaining unchanging.

And I perceived and found it nothing strange, that bread which is pleasant to a healthy palate is loathsome to one distempered: and to sore eyes light is offensive, which to the sound is delightful. And Thy righteousness displeaseth the wicked; much more the viper and reptiles, which Thou hast created good, fitting in with the inferior portions of Thy Creation, with which the very wicked also fit in; and that the more, by how much they be unlike Thee; but with the superior creatures, by how much they become more like to Thee. And I enquired what iniquity was, and found it to be no substance, but the perversion of the will, turned aside from Thee, O God, the Supreme, towards these lower things, and casting out its bowels, and puffed up outwardly.

I realized it made perfect sense that bread, which tastes good when you're healthy, becomes repulsive when you're sick. Similarly, bright light that normally delights healthy eyes becomes painful to infected ones. Just as Your righteousness offends the wicked, so too do the snakes and crawling creatures You created—though they are good and well-suited to their place in Your creation. The wicked belong to these lower ranks, becoming more distant from You as their nature diverges from Yours, while higher beings grow closer as they become more like You. When I examined what sin really is, I discovered it wasn't a physical thing, but rather the corrupted will turning away from You, Supreme God, toward lesser things—emptying itself while becoming outwardly inflated.

And I wondered that I now loved Thee, and no phantasm for Thee. And yet did I not press on to enjoy my God; but was borne up to Thee by Thy beauty, and soon borne down from Thee by mine own weight, sinking with sorrow into these inferior things. This weight was carnal custom. Yet dwelt there with me a remembrance of Thee; nor did I any way doubt that there was One to whom I might cleave, but that I was not yet such as to cleave to Thee: for that the body which is corrupted presseth down the soul, and the earthly tabernacle weigheth down the mind that museth upon many things. And most certain I was, that Thy invisible works from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even Thy eternal power and Godhead. For examining whence it was that I admired the beauty of bodies celestial or terrestrial; and what aided me in judging soundly on things mutable, and pronouncing, "This ought to be thus, this not"; examining, I say, whence it was that I so judged, seeing I did so judge, I had found the unchangeable and true Eternity of Truth above my changeable mind. And thus by degrees I passed from bodies to the soul, which through the bodily senses perceives; and thence to its inward faculty, to which the bodily senses represent things external, whitherto reach the faculties of beasts; and thence again to the reasoning faculty, to which what is received from the senses of the body, is referred to be judged. Which finding itself also to be in me a thing variable, raised itself up to its own understanding, and drew away my thoughts from the power of habit, withdrawing itself from those troops of contradictory phantasms; that so it might find what that light was whereby it was bedewed, when, without all doubting, it cried out, "That the unchangeable was to be preferred to the changeable"; whence also it knew That Unchangeable, which, unless it had in some way known, it had had no sure ground to prefer it to the changeable. And thus with the flash of one trembling glance it arrived at THAT WHICH IS. And then I saw Thy invisible things understood by the things which are made. But I could not fix my gaze thereon; and my infirmity being struck back, I was thrown again on my wonted habits, carrying along with me only a loving memory thereof, and a longing for what I had, as it were, perceived the odour of, but was not yet able to feed on.

I now loved You truly, not some illusion of You. Yet I couldn't fully embrace my God; Your beauty lifted me up, but my own weight dragged me down again, sinking me back into worldly concerns. This weight was merely habitual attachment to earthly things. Still, I remembered You; I never doubted there was One to whom I could connect, though I wasn't yet ready to make that connection. As scripture says, the corrupted body weighs down the soul, and earthly concerns distract the contemplative mind. I was absolutely certain that Your invisible qualities have been clearly seen since creation, understood through what has been made—Your eternal power and divine nature. I examined why I admired the beauty in both heavenly and earthly bodies, and what helped me judge changeable things and declare "This should be so, that should not." In this examination, I discovered that above my changeable mind lay the unchangeable and true Eternity of Truth. Step by step, I progressed from physical bodies to the soul (which perceives through physical senses), then to the inner faculty that processes sensory information (which animals also possess), and finally to reason, which judges what the senses perceive. Finding my own reason variable, it elevated itself to understanding and broke free from habitual thoughts and contradictory illusions. It sought the source of its illumination when it confidently declared "the unchangeable is preferable to the changeable." It could only make this judgment through some prior knowledge of the Unchangeable. In a single trembling glimpse, I reached THAT WHICH IS. I saw Your invisible nature revealed through creation. But I couldn't maintain this vision; my weakness forced me back to my usual state. All I carried back was a loving memory and a yearning for what I had briefly sensed but couldn't yet fully grasp.

Then I sought a way of obtaining strength sufficient to enjoy Thee; and found it not, until I embraced that Mediator betwixt God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, who is over all, God blessed for evermore, calling unto me, and saying, I am the way, the truth, and the life, and mingling that food which I was unable to receive, with our flesh. For, the Word was made flesh, that Thy wisdom, whereby Thou createdst all things, might provide milk for our infant state. For I did not hold to my Lord Jesus Christ, I, humbled, to the Humble; nor knew I yet whereto His infirmity would guide us. For Thy Word, the Eternal Truth, far above the higher parts of Thy Creation, raises up the subdued unto Itself: but in this lower world built for Itself a lowly habitation of our clay, whereby to abase from themselves such as would be subdued, and bring them over to Himself; allaying their swelling, and fomenting their love; to the end they might go on no further in self-confidence, but rather consent to become weak, seeing before their feet the Divinity weak by taking our coats of skin; and wearied, might cast themselves down upon It, and It rising, might lift them up.

I searched for a way to find enough strength to truly experience You, but couldn't until I accepted Jesus Christ as the bridge between God and humanity. He is supreme, God blessed forever, who calls out "I am the way, the truth, and the life." He made divine wisdom digestible by becoming human. The Word became flesh so that Your wisdom, which created everything, could nourish us in our spiritual infancy. I hadn't yet embraced Jesus Christ—me, humbled before the Humble One—and didn't understand how His vulnerability would guide us. Your Word, the Eternal Truth, which exists far above creation, lifts up those who submit to It. Yet in our earthly realm, it built itself a modest home of clay. This was done to humble the proud and draw them closer, cooling their ego and nurturing their love. The goal was to stop them from relying on themselves, instead accepting their weakness when they saw divinity made vulnerable in human form. Then, exhausted, they could rest upon It, and as It rose, be lifted up themselves.

But I thought otherwise; conceiving only of my Lord Christ as of a man of excellent wisdom, whom no one could be equalled unto; especially, for that being wonderfully born of a Virgin, He seemed, in conformity therewith, through the Divine care for us, to have attained that great eminence of authority, for an ensample of despising things temporal for the obtaining of immortality. But what mystery there lay in "The Word was made flesh," I could not even imagine. Only I had learnt out of what is delivered to us in writing of Him that He did eat, and drink, sleep, walk, rejoiced in spirit, was sorrowful, discoursed; that flesh did not cleave by itself unto Thy Word, but with the human soul and mind. All know this who know the unchangeableness of Thy Word, which I now knew, as far as I could, nor did I at all doubt thereof. For, now to move the limbs of the body by will, now not, now to be moved by some affection, now not, now to deliver wise sayings through human signs, now to keep silence, belong to soul and mind subject to variation. And should these things be falsely written of Him, all the rest also would risk the charge, nor would there remain in those books any saving faith for mankind. Since then they were written truly, I acknowledged a perfect man to be in Christ; not the body of a man only, nor, with the body, a sensitive soul without a rational, but very man; whom, not only as being a form of Truth, but for a certain great excellence of human nature and a more perfect participation of wisdom, I judged to be preferred before others. But Alypius imagined the Catholics to believe God to be so clothed with flesh, that besides God and flesh, there was no soul at all in Christ, and did not think that a human mind was ascribed to Him. And because he was well persuaded that the actions recorded of Him could only be performed by a vital and a rational creature, he moved the more slowly towards the Christian Faith. But understanding afterwards that this was the error of the Apollinarian heretics, he joyed in and was conformed to the Catholic Faith. But somewhat later, I confess, did I learn how in that saying, The Word was made flesh, the Catholic truth is distinguished from the falsehood of Photinus. For the rejection of heretics makes the tenets of Thy Church and sound doctrine to stand out more clearly. For there must also be heresies, that the approved may be made manifest among the weak.

I considered Jesus differently back then. I viewed him as a man of extraordinary wisdom without equal—especially since his miraculous virgin birth seemed to demonstrate divine intervention, elevating him as an example of choosing eternal life over worldly attachments. However, I couldn't grasp the deeper meaning of "The Word was made flesh." I only understood the basic human aspects described in scripture: that he ate, drank, slept, walked, felt joy and sorrow, and engaged in conversation. I realized these actions required not just a physical body joined to God's Word, but also a human soul and mind. Anyone who understands the unchanging nature of God's Word knows this, as I did then, however imperfectly. After all, distinctly human traits—controlling body movements at will, experiencing changing emotions, speaking wisdom through human language, choosing when to remain silent—all require a soul and mind capable of change. If these accounts of Jesus were false, it would cast doubt on everything else in scripture, destroying its saving power for humanity. Since I accepted these accounts as true, I recognized Christ as fully human—not just a body, nor a body with basic animal instincts, but a complete person. I considered him superior to others, not just as an embodiment of Truth, but for his exceptional human nature and profound wisdom. Meanwhile, Alypius misunderstood Catholic teaching. He thought Catholics believed Christ was simply God wrapped in flesh, without a human soul. Since he was convinced Christ's recorded actions required both consciousness and reason, this misunderstanding slowed his acceptance of Christianity. When he later learned this was actually the Apollinarian heresy, he gladly embraced Catholic teaching. It took me even longer to understand how the phrase "The Word was made flesh" distinguished Catholic truth from Photinus's false teaching. Heresies actually serve a purpose—they help highlight true Church doctrine more clearly. As scripture says, "There must be heresies so that the faithful may be recognized among the weak."

But having then read those books of the Platonists, and thence been taught to search for incorporeal truth, I saw Thy invisible things, understood by those things which are made; and though cast back, I perceived what that was which through the darkness of my mind I was hindered from contemplating, being assured "That Thou wert, and wert infinite, and yet not diffused in space, finite or infinite; and that Thou truly art Who art the same ever, in no part nor motion varying; and that all other things are from Thee, on this most sure ground alone, that they are." Of these things I was assured, yet too unsure to enjoy Thee. I prated as one well skilled; but had I not sought Thy way in Christ our Saviour, I had proved to be, not skilled, but killed. For now I had begun to wish to seem wise, being filled with mine own punishment, yet I did not mourn, but rather scorn, puffed up with knowledge. For where was that charity building upon the foundation of humility, which is Christ Jesus? or when should these books teach me it? Upon these, I believe, Thou therefore willedst that I should fall, before I studied Thy Scriptures, that it might be imprinted on my memory how I was affected by them; and that afterwards when my spirits were tamed through Thy books, and my wounds touched by Thy healing fingers, I might discern and distinguish between presumption and confession; between those who saw whither they were to go, yet saw not the way, and the way that leadeth not to behold only but to dwell in the beatific country. For had I first been formed in Thy Holy Scriptures, and hadst Thou in the familiar use of them grown sweet unto me, and had I then fallen upon those other volumes, they might perhaps have withdrawn me from the solid ground of piety, or, had I continued in that healthful frame which I had thence imbibed, I might have thought that it might have been obtained by the study of those books alone.

After reading the Platonic texts, I learned to seek intangible truth and began to understand Your invisible nature through Your creations. Though I struggled, I grasped what my clouded mind had prevented me from seeing before—that You exist, are infinite yet not spread through space, and remain eternally unchanging. I understood that everything else exists simply because it comes from You. While I was certain of these things, I wasn't yet ready to find peace in You. I spoke like an expert but, had I not sought Your path through Christ our Savior, my knowledge would have led to my downfall rather than wisdom. I had become eager to appear wise, filled with my own vanity. Instead of feeling remorse, I grew arrogant with my knowledge. Where was the love built on Christ's humble foundation? These philosophical texts couldn't teach me that. I believe You wanted me to discover these books before studying Scripture, so I would remember their impact on me. Later, when Your holy texts had humbled my spirit and Your healing touch had mended my wounds, I could distinguish between arrogance and true confession. I could see the difference between those who knew their destination but not the path, and the true way that leads not just to glimpse but to dwell in heaven's glory. Had I studied Your Scripture first and found comfort in its familiar wisdom, then encountered these philosophical works, they might have weakened my religious foundation. Or if I had maintained my faith, I might have wrongly believed that these philosophical texts alone could provide the same spiritual truth.

Most eagerly then did I seize that venerable writing of Thy Spirit; and chiefly the Apostle Paul. Whereupon those difficulties vanished away, wherein he once seemed to me to contradict himself, and the text of his discourse not to agree with the testimonies of the Law and the Prophets. And the face of that pure word appeared to me one and the same; and I learned to rejoice with trembling. So I began; and whatsoever truth I had read in those other books, I found here amid the praise of Thy Grace; that whoso sees, may not so glory as if he had not received, not only what he sees, but also that he sees (for what hath he, which he hath not received?), and that he may be not only admonished to behold Thee, who art ever the same, but also healed, to hold Thee; and that he who cannot see afar off, may yet walk on the way, whereby he may arrive, and behold, and hold Thee. For, though a man be delighted with the law of God after the inner man, what shall he do with that other law in his members which warreth against the law of his mind, and bringeth him into captivity to the law of sin which is in his members? For, Thou art righteous, O Lord, but we have sinned and committed iniquity, and have done wickedly, and Thy hand is grown heavy upon us, and we are justly delivered over unto that ancient sinner, the king of death; because he persuaded our will to be like his will whereby he abode not in Thy truth. What shall wretched man do? who shall deliver him from the body of his death, but only Thy Grace, through Jesus Christ our Lord, whom Thou hast begotten co-eternal, and formedst in the beginning of Thy ways, in whom the prince of this world found nothing worthy of death, yet killed he Him; and the handwriting, which was contrary to us, was blotted out? This those writings contain not. Those pages present not the image of this piety, the tears of confession, Thy sacrifice, a troubled spirit, a broken and a contrite heart, the salvation of the people, the Bridal City, the earnest of the Holy Ghost, the Cup of our Redemption. No man sings there, Shall not my soul be submitted unto God? for of Him cometh my salvation. For He is my God and my salvation, my guardian, I shall no more be moved. No one there hears Him call, Come unto Me, all ye that labour. They scorn to learn of Him, because He is meek and lowly in heart; for these things hast Thou hid from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes. For it is one thing, from the mountain's shaggy top to see the land of peace, and to find no way thither; and in vain to essay through ways unpassable, opposed and beset by fugitives and deserters, under their captain the lion and the dragon: and another to keep on the way that leads thither, guarded by the host of the heavenly General; where they spoil not who have deserted the heavenly army; for they avoid it, as very torment. These things did wonderfully sink into my bowels, when I read that least of Thy Apostles, and had meditated upon Thy works, and trembled exceedingly.

I eagerly embraced the sacred writings of Your Spirit, especially those of the Apostle Paul. The contradictions that once confused me—where he seemed to disagree with himself and with the Law and Prophets—suddenly disappeared. The pure word revealed itself with perfect consistency, and I learned to rejoice, though with reverence. As I read, I discovered that all the truths found in other books were here too, but now embedded in praise of Your Grace. I understood that those who see should not boast, since both their vision and understanding are gifts (for what do we have that wasn't given to us?). We are guided not only to see You, who remains unchanging, but also to be healed and embrace You. Even those who cannot see far ahead may still walk the path that leads to seeing and holding You. Though one may delight in God's law in their inner being, what can they do about the other law within them—the one that fights against their mind and enslaves them to sin? For You are righteous, Lord, but we have sinned and done wrong. Your hand weighs heavy on us, and we're justly handed over to death, the ancient deceiver, because we chose to follow his rebellious will instead of Your truth. What can troubled humanity do? Who will free us from this deadly burden, if not Your Grace through Jesus Christ our Lord? He who is eternal with You, formed at the beginning of Your ways, in whom evil found no fault, yet was killed. Through His death, our debt was erased. Other writings lack these truths. They don't show this devotion, the tears of confession, Your sacrifice, the troubled spirit, the broken and contrite heart, our people's salvation, the Holy City, the Holy Spirit's promise, and our Redemption's Cup. None there sing, "Shouldn't my soul submit to God? He is my salvation, my God, my protector—I shall not be shaken." None hear His call: "Come to me, all who struggle." They refuse to learn from Him because of His humility, for You've hidden these things from the wise and revealed them to the simple. It's one thing to see the peaceful land from a distant mountaintop, unable to find a path there, struggling through impassable terrain guarded by deserters under their lion and dragon leader. It's another to stay on the protected path, guided by heaven's General, where deserters from heaven's army cannot plunder, for they avoid it like torture. These truths deeply moved me when I read Your humble Apostle's words, contemplated Your works, and trembled in awe.