It is good for every man to fortify himself on his weak side: and if he loves his peace he must not be inquisitive, and hearken to tale-bearers; for the man that is over-curious to hear and see everything, multiplies troubles to himself: for a man does not feel what he does not know. He that is listening after private discourse, and what people say of him, shall never be at peace. How many things that are innocent in themselves are made injuries yet by misconstruction! Wherefore, some things we are to pause upon, others to laugh at, and others again to pardon. Or, if we cannot avoid the sense of indignities, let us however shun the open profession of it, which may easily be done, as appears by many examples of those that have suppressed their anger under the awe of a greater fear. It is a good caution not to believe any thing until we are very certain of it; for many probable things prove false, and a short time will make evidence of the undoubted truth. We are prone to believe many things which we are willing to hear, and so we conclude, and take up a prejudice before we can judge. Never condemn a friend unheard; or without letting him know his accuser, or his crime. It is a common thing to say, “Do not you tell that you had it from me: for if you do, I will deny it, and never tell you any thing again:” by which means friends are set together by the ears, and the informer slips his neck out of the collar. Admit no stories upon these terms: for it is an unjust thing to believe in private and to be angry openly. He that delivers himself up to guess and conjecture runs a great hazard; for there can be no suspicion without some probable grounds; so that without much candor and simplicity, and making the best of every thing, there is no living in society with mankind. Some things that offend us we have by report; others we see or hear. In the first case, let us not be too credulous: some people frame stories that they may deceive us; others only tell what they hear, and are deceived themselves: some make it their sport to do ill offices, others do them only to pick a thank: there are some that would part the dearest friends in the world; others love to do mischief, and stand aloof off to see what comes of it. If it be a small matter, I would have witnesses; but if it be a greater, I would have it upon oath, and allow time to the accused, and counsel too, and hear over and over again.
Everyone should strengthen themselves where they're weakest. If you want peace, don't be too curious or listen to gossips. The person who's overly eager to hear and see everything just creates more problems for themselves. After all, you can't feel hurt by what you don't know. Anyone who listens for private conversations and what people say about them will never have peace. How many innocent things become insults simply through misunderstanding! Some things we should think carefully about, others we should laugh off, and still others we should forgive. If we can't avoid feeling insulted, we should at least avoid showing it openly. This can be done easily, as shown by many examples of people who held back their anger out of greater fear. It's wise not to believe anything until you're very sure of it. Many likely-sounding things turn out to be false, and time will reveal the real truth. We tend to believe things we want to hear, so we jump to conclusions and form prejudices before we can judge properly. Never condemn a friend without hearing their side, or without letting them know who accused them and what they're accused of. People often say, "Don't tell anyone you heard this from me. If you do, I'll deny it and never tell you anything again." This sets friends against each other while the gossip escapes blame. Don't accept stories on these terms. It's unfair to believe something privately and then be angry publicly. Anyone who relies on guesswork and assumptions takes a big risk. There can't be suspicion without some reasonable grounds. Without much kindness, simplicity, and making the best of everything, there's no way to live peacefully with other people. Some things that offend us come through reports, others we see or hear ourselves. In the first case, don't be too trusting. Some people make up stories to deceive us. Others just repeat what they heard and are deceived themselves. Some enjoy causing trouble between people, others do it to gain favor. There are those who would break up the closest friendships in the world. Others love to cause mischief and then stand back to watch what happens. If it's a small matter, I'd want witnesses. But if it's something serious, I'd want it sworn under oath. I'd give the accused time to respond, let them have counsel, and hear the case over and over again.
In those cases where we ourselves are witnesses, we should take into consideration all the circumstances. If a child, it was ignorance: if a woman, a mistake: if done by command a necessity; if a man be injured, it is but quod pro quo: if a judge, he knows what he does: if a prince, I must submit; either if guilty, to justice, or if innocent, to fortune: if a brute, I make myself one by imitating it: if a calamity or disease, my best relief is patience: if providence, it is both impious and vain to be angry at it: if a good man, I will make the best of it: if a bad, I will never wonder at it. Nor is it only by tales and stories that we are inflamed, but suspicions, countenances, nay, a look or a smile, is enough to blow us up. In these cases, let us suspend our displeasure, and plead the cause of the absent. “Perhaps he is innocent; or, if not, I have time to consider of it and may take my revenge at leisure:” but when it is once executed it is not to be recalled. A jealous head is apt to take that to himself which was never meant him. Let us therefore trust to nothing but what we see, and chide ourselves where we are over-credulous. By this course we shall not be so easily imposed upon, nor put to trouble ourselves about things not worth the while: as the loitering of a servant upon an errand, and the tumbling of a bed, or the spilling of a glass of drink.
When we witness something ourselves, we should consider all the circumstances. If a child did it, blame ignorance. If a woman did it, call it a mistake. If someone was following orders, it was necessary. If a man was hurt, it's just payback. If a judge did it, he knows what he's doing. If a prince did it, I must accept it. I must submit either to justice if I'm guilty, or to fortune if I'm innocent. If an animal did it, I become like an animal by copying it. If it's a disaster or disease, patience is my best remedy. If it's providence, being angry is both wrong and pointless. If a good man did it, I'll make the best of it. If a bad man did it, I won't be surprised. We get worked up not just by stories and tales, but by suspicions, expressions, even a look or smile. These things are enough to set us off. In these cases, let's hold back our anger and defend the person who isn't here. "Maybe he's innocent. Or if not, I have time to think about it and can get my revenge later." But once revenge is taken, it can't be undone. A jealous person tends to think everything is aimed at them, even when it isn't. So let's trust only what we actually see, and scold ourselves when we're too quick to believe things. This way we won't be fooled so easily or waste time worrying about trivial things. Things like a servant taking too long on an errand, a messy bed, or a spilled drink.
It is a madness to be disordered at these fooleries; we consider the thing done, and not the doer of it. “It may be he did it unwillingly, or by chance. It was a trick put upon him, or he was forced to it. He did it for reward perhaps, not hatred; nor of his own accord, but he was urged on to it.” Nay, some regard must be had to the age of the person, or to fortune; and we must consult humanity and candor in the case. One does me a great mischief at unawares; another does me a very small one by design, or peradventure none at all, but intended me one. The latter was more in fault, but I will be angry with neither. We must distinguish betwixt what a man cannot do and what he will not. “It is true he has once offended me; but how often has he pleased me! He has offended me often, and in other kinds; and why should not I bear it as well now as I have done?” Is he my friend? why then, “It was against his will.” Is he my enemy? It is “no more than I looked for.” Let us give way to wise men, and not squabble with fools; and say thus to ourselves, “We have all of us our errors.” No man is so circumspect, so considerate, or so fearful of offending, but he has much to answer for.
It's foolish to get upset over these silly things. We should focus on what was done, not who did it. "Maybe he didn't mean to do it, or it happened by accident. Someone might have tricked him into it, or he was forced to do it. Perhaps he did it for money, not out of hatred. He might not have wanted to do it, but someone pressured him into it." We need to consider the person's age or circumstances. We should approach the situation with understanding and fairness. One person hurts me badly without realizing it. Another person barely hurts me on purpose, or maybe doesn't hurt me at all but meant to. The second person is more at fault, but I won't be angry with either of them. We must tell the difference between what someone can't do and what they won't do. "Yes, he offended me once, but how many times has he made me happy! He has offended me many times in different ways, so why shouldn't I put up with it now like I have before?" Is he my friend? Then "he didn't want to hurt me." Is he my enemy? Then "this is exactly what I expected." Let's give in to wise people and not argue with fools. Let's tell ourselves, "We all make mistakes." No one is so careful, thoughtful, or afraid of offending others that they don't have plenty to answer for.
A generous prisoner cannot immediately comply with all the sordid and laborious offices of a slave. A footman that is not breathed cannot keep pace with his master’s horse. He that is over-watched may be allowed to be drowsy. All these things are to be weighed before we give any ear to the first impulse. If it be my duty to love my country, I must be kind also to my countrymen; if a veneration be due to the whole, so is a piety also to the parts: and it is the common interest to preserve them. We are all members of one body, and it is as natural to help one another as for the hands to help the feet, or the eyes the hands. Without the love and care of the parts, the whole can never be preserved, and we must spare one another because we are born for society, which cannot be maintained without a regard to particulars. Let this be a rule to us, never to deny a pardon, that does no hurt either to the giver or receiver. That may be well enough in one which is ill in another; and therefore we are not to condemn anything that is common to a nation; for custom defends it. But much more pardonable are those things which are common to mankind.
A generous prisoner cannot immediately handle all the dirty and exhausting work of a slave. A servant who is out of shape cannot keep up with his master's horse. Someone who hasn't slept enough should be allowed to feel drowsy. We must consider all these things before we listen to our first impulse. If it is my duty to love my country, I must also be kind to my fellow citizens. If we owe respect to the whole nation, we also owe loyalty to its individual parts. It serves everyone's interest to protect them. We are all members of one body, and it is as natural to help one another as it is for the hands to help the feet, or the eyes to help the hands. Without love and care for the parts, the whole can never survive. We must be gentle with one another because we are born for society, which cannot exist without regard for individuals. Let this be our rule: never refuse to forgive someone when it hurts neither the one who forgives nor the one who is forgiven. What may be fine for one person might be wrong for another. So we should not condemn anything that is common to a nation, because custom defends it. Even more forgivable are those things which are common to all humanity.
It is a kind of spiteful comfort, that whoever does me an injury may receive one; and that there is a power over him that is above me. A man should stand as firm against all indignities as a rock does against the waves. As it is some satisfaction to a man in a mean condition that there is no security in a more prosperous; and as the loss of a son in a corner is borne with more patience upon the sight of a funeral carried out of a palace; so are injuries and contempts the more tolerable from a meaner person, when we consider, that the greatest men and fortunes are not exempt. The wisest also of mortals have their failings, and no man living is without the same excuse. The difference is, that we do not all of us transgress the same way; but we are obliged in humanity to bear one with another.
There's a bitter comfort in knowing that whoever hurts me might get hurt in return. There's a power above me that has control over them too. A person should stand firm against all insults, like a rock stands against waves. It gives some satisfaction to someone in a humble position to know that those who are more successful aren't truly secure either. When someone in a poor neighborhood loses a son, they bear it with more patience after seeing a funeral procession leaving a palace. In the same way, injuries and insults from lesser people become more bearable when we remember that even the greatest and wealthiest people aren't exempt from suffering. Even the wisest people have their flaws, and no living person is without the same excuse for their mistakes. The difference is that we don't all make mistakes in the same way. But out of basic humanity, we're obligated to put up with each other.
We should, every one of us, bethink ourselves, how remiss we have been in our duties, how immodest in our discourses, how intemperate in our cups; and why not, as well, how extravagant we have been in our passions? Let us clear ourselves of this evil, purge our minds, and utterly root out all those vices, which upon leaving the least sting, will grow again and recover. We must think of everything, expect everything, that we may not be surprised. It is a shame, says Fabius, for a commander to excuse himself by saying, “I was not aware of it.”
We should all take a moment to think about how we've failed in our duties. We should consider how inappropriate our conversations have been, how much we've overindulged in drinking. And why not also think about how excessive we've been with our emotions? Let us rid ourselves of this evil and cleanse our minds. We must completely eliminate all those vices, because if we leave even the smallest trace, they will grow back and return. We must think of everything and expect everything, so that nothing catches us off guard. As Fabius says, it's shameful for a commander to make excuses by saying, "I didn't know about it."