Next to the choice of the person follows that of the matter; wherein a regard must be had to time, place, proportion, quality; and to the very nicks of opportunity and humor. One man values his peace above his honor, another his honor above his safety; and not a few there are that (provided they may save their bodies) never care what becomes of their souls. So that good offices depend much upon construction. Some take themselves to be obliged, when they are not; others will not believe it, when they are; and some again take obligations and injuries, the one for the other.
After choosing the right person comes choosing the right approach. You must consider timing, location, scale, and quality. You also need to watch for the perfect moment and read people's moods. One person values peace over honor, another values honor over safety. Many people will do anything to save their bodies, no matter what happens to their souls. Good deeds depend heavily on how people interpret them. Some people feel obligated when they're not. Others refuse to believe they're obligated when they actually are. Some people confuse obligations with injuries, mistaking one for the other.
For our better direction, let it be noted, “That a benefit is a common tie betwixt the giver and receiver, with respect to both:” wherefore it must be accommodated to the rules of discretion; for all things have their bounds and measures, and so must liberality among the rest; that it be neither too much for the one nor too little for the other; the excess being every jot as bad as the defect. Alexander bestowed a city upon one of his favorites; who modestly excusing himself, “That it was too much for him to receive.” “Well, but,” says Alexander, “it is not too much for me to give.” A haughty certainly, and an imprudent speech; for that which was not fit for the one to take could not be fit for the other to give. It passes in the world for greatness of mind to be perpetually giving and loading of people with bounties; but it is one thing to know how to give, and another thing not to know how to keep. Give me a heart that is easy and open, but I will have no holes in it; let it be bountiful with judgment, but I will have nothing run out of it I know not how. How much greater was he that refused the city than the other that offered it? Some men throw away their money as if they were angry with it, which is the error commonly of weak minds and large fortunes. No man esteems of anything that comes to him by chance; but when it is governed by reason, it brings credit both to the giver and receiver; whereas those favors are, in some sort, scandalous, that make a man ashamed of his patron.
For our better guidance, let's note this: "A benefit creates a common bond between the giver and receiver, affecting both parties." Therefore, it must follow the rules of good judgment. All things have their limits and proper measures, and generosity must too. It should be neither too much for one person nor too little for the other. Excess is just as bad as shortage. Alexander gave a city to one of his favorites. The man modestly excused himself, saying, "This is too much for me to receive." "Well," Alexander replied, "it's not too much for me to give." This was certainly a proud and unwise response. What wasn't fit for one person to take couldn't be fit for the other to give. The world sees it as greatness of mind to constantly give and shower people with gifts. But knowing how to give is one thing, and not knowing how to keep is another. Give me a heart that is generous and open, but I don't want any holes in it. Let it be bountiful with good judgment, but I don't want anything flowing out carelessly. How much greater was the man who refused the city than the one who offered it? Some men throw away their money as if they're angry with it. This is usually the mistake of weak minds with large fortunes. No one values anything that comes to them by chance. But when generosity is guided by reason, it brings credit to both giver and receiver. Those favors that make a man ashamed of his patron are, in some ways, scandalous.
It is a matter of great prudence, for the benefactor to suit the benefit to the condition of the receiver: who must be either his superior, his inferior, or his equal; and that which would be the highest obligation imaginable to the one, would perhaps be as great a mockery and affront to the other; as a plate of broken meat (for the purpose) to a rich man were an indignity, which to a poor man is a charity. The benefits of princes and of great men, are honors, offices, monies, profitable commissions, countenance, and protection: the poor man has nothing to present but good-will, good advice, faith, industry, the service and hazard of his person, an early apple, peradventure, or some other cheap curiosity: equals indeed may correspond in kind; but whatsoever the present be, or to whomsoever we offer it, this general rule must be observed, that we always design the good and satisfaction of the receiver, and never grant anything to his detriment. It is not for a man to say, I was overcome by importunity; for when the fever is off, we detest the man that was prevailed upon to our destruction. I will no more undo a man with his will, than forbear saving him against it. It is a benefit in some cases to grant, and in others to deny; so that we are rather to consider the advantage than the desire of the petitioner. For we may in a passion earnestly beg for (and take it ill to be denied too) that very thing, which, upon second thoughts, we may come to curse, as the occasion of a most pernicious bounty. Never give anything that shall turn to mischief, infamy, or shame. I will consider another man’s want or safety; but so as not to forget my own; unless in the case of a very excellent person, and then I shall not much heed what becomes of myself. There is no giving of water to a man in a fever; or putting a sword into a madman’s hand. He that lends a man money to carry him to a bawdy-house, or a weapon for his revenge, makes himself a partaker of his crime.
It's very important for someone giving help to match their gift to the person receiving it. The receiver might be above you, below you, or equal to you in status. What would be a tremendous favor to one person might be a cruel insult to another. Giving leftover scraps to a rich person would be an insult, but to a poor person it's charity. Princes and wealthy people can give honors, jobs, money, profitable positions, support, and protection. A poor person has nothing to offer but goodwill, good advice, loyalty, hard work, personal service and risk, maybe an early apple, or some other small gift. People of equal status can exchange similar gifts. But whatever the gift is, and whoever you're giving it to, you must follow this rule: always aim for the good and happiness of the person receiving it. Never give anything that will harm them. A person shouldn't say, "I was pressured into it." When the excitement wears off, we hate the person who convinced us to do something destructive. I won't ruin someone even if they want me to, just as I won't stop myself from saving someone even if they resist. Sometimes it's helpful to say yes, and sometimes it's helpful to say no. We should think about what's good for the person asking, not just what they want. In the heat of the moment, we might desperately beg for something and get angry if we're refused. But later, we might curse that very thing as a terrible mistake. Never give anything that will lead to trouble, disgrace, or shame. I'll think about another person's needs and safety, but I won't forget my own. The only exception is if the person is truly exceptional, and then I won't worry much about what happens to me. You don't give water to someone with a fever, or put a sword in a madman's hand. If you lend someone money to visit a brothel, or give them a weapon for revenge, you become part of their crime.
He that would make an acceptable present, will pitch upon something that is desired, sought for, and hard to be found; that which he sees nowhere else, and which few have; or at least not in that place or season; something that may be always in his eye, and mind him of his benefactor. If it be lasting and durable, so much the better; as plate, rather than money; statues than apparel; for it will serve as a monitor to mind the receiver of the obligation, which the presenter cannot so handsomely do. However, let it not be improper, as arms to a woman, books to a clown, toys to a philosopher: I will not give to any man that which he cannot receive, as if I threw a ball to a man without hands; but I will make a return, though he cannot receive it; for my business is not to oblige him, but to free myself: nor anything that may reproach a man of his vice or infirmity; as false dice to a cheat; spectacles to a man that is blind. Let it not be unseasonable neither; as a furred gown in summer, an umbrella in winter. It enhances the value of the present, if it was never given to him by anybody else, nor by me to any other; for that which we give to everybody is welcome to nobody.
Anyone who wants to give an acceptable gift should choose something that is desired, sought after, and hard to find. Pick something the recipient sees nowhere else, something that few people have, or at least not in that place or season. Choose something that will always catch their eye and remind them of your generosity. If the gift lasts a long time, that's even better. Silver or gold items work better than money. Statues work better than clothing. These lasting gifts serve as reminders of your kindness, which you can't do as gracefully yourself. Don't give inappropriate gifts, though. Don't give weapons to a woman, books to an uneducated person, or toys to a philosopher. I won't give anyone something they can't use, like throwing a ball to someone without hands. I will give something in return even if they can't receive it properly, because my goal isn't to please them but to fulfill my own obligation. Never give anything that highlights someone's faults or weaknesses, like loaded dice to a cheater or glasses to a blind person. Don't give gifts at the wrong time either, like a fur coat in summer or an umbrella in winter. A gift becomes more valuable if no one else has ever given it to that person, and if you've never given it to anyone else. What we give to everyone is welcome to no one.
The particularity does much, but yet the same thing may receive a different estimate from several persons; for there are ways of marking and recommending it in such a manner, that if the same good office be done to twenty people, every one of them shall reckon himself peculiarly obliged as a cunning whore, if she has a thousand sweethearts, will persuade every one of them she loves him best. But this is rather the artifice of conversation than the virtue of it.
Personal attention matters a lot, but the same action can be viewed differently by different people. There are ways to present and promote something so that if you do the same favor for twenty people, each one will think you did it especially for them. It's like a clever prostitute who, even with a thousand lovers, convinces each one that she loves him best. But this is more about the tricks of conversation than its true virtue.
The citizens of Megara send ambassadors to Alexander in the height of his glory, to offer him, as a compliment, the freedom of their city. Upon Alexander’s smiling at the proposal, they told him, that it was a present which they had never made but to Hercules and himself. Whereupon Alexander treated them kindly, and accepted of it; not for the presenters’ sake, but because they had joined him with Hercules; now unreasonably soever; for Hercules conquered nothing for himself, but made his business to vindicate and to protect the miserable, without any private interest or design; but this intemperate young man (whose virtue was nothing else but a successful temerity) was trained up from his youth in the trade of violence; the common enemy of mankind, as well of his friends as of his foes, and one that valued himself upon being terrible to all mortals: never considering, that the dullest creatures are as dangerous and as dreadful, as the fiercest; for the poison of a toad, or the tooth of a snake, will do a man’s business, as sure as the paw of a tiger.
The citizens of Megara sent ambassadors to Alexander at the height of his glory. They offered him the freedom of their city as a compliment. When Alexander smiled at the proposal, they told him this was a gift they had never given to anyone except Hercules and himself. Alexander treated them kindly and accepted the honor. He did this not because of who was offering it, but because they had compared him to Hercules, however unreasonable that comparison might be. Hercules conquered nothing for himself. He made it his business to defend and protect the suffering, without any personal interest or selfish plan. But this reckless young man, whose virtue was nothing more than successful boldness, had been trained from childhood in violence. He was the common enemy of mankind, threatening both friends and foes alike. He took pride in being feared by all people. He never considered that even the weakest creatures can be as dangerous and deadly as the fiercest ones. The poison of a toad or the bite of a snake will kill a man just as surely as the claws of a tiger.