The three main points in the question of benefits are, first, a judicious choice in the object; secondly, in the matter of our benevolence; and thirdly, a grateful felicity in the manner of expressing it. But there are also incumbent upon the benefactor other considerations, which will deserve a place in this discourse.
When giving benefits to others, three main points matter most. First, choose the right person to help. Second, decide what kind of help to give. Third, express your generosity in a graceful way. But those who give benefits must also consider other important factors, which deserve discussion here.
It is not enough to do one good turn, and to do it with a good grace too, unless we follow it with more, and without either upbraiding or repining. It is a common shift, to charge that upon the ingratitude of the receiver, which, in truth, is most commonly the levity and indiscretion of the giver; for all circumstances must be duly weighed to consummate the action. Some there are that we find ungrateful; but what with our forwardness, change of humor and reproaches, there are more that we make so. And this is the business: we give with design, and most to those that are able to give most again. We give to the covetous, and to the ambitious; to those that can never be thankful, (for their desires are insatiable,) and to those that will not. He that is a tribune would be prætor; the prætor, a consul; never reflecting upon what he was, but only looking forward to what he would be. People are still computing, Must I lose this or that benefit? If it be lost, the fault lies in the ill bestowing of it; for rightly placed, it is as good as consecrated; if we be deceived in another, let us not be deceived in ourselves too. A charitable man will mend the matter: and say to himself, Perhaps he has forgot it, perchance he could not, perhaps he will yet requite it. A patient creditor will, of an ill paymaster, in time make a good one; an obstinate goodness overcomes an ill disposition, as a barren soil is made fruitful by care and tillage. But let a man be never so ungrateful or inhuman, he shall never destroy the satisfaction of my having done a good office.
Doing one good deed isn't enough, even if you do it gracefully. You need to follow it with more good deeds, without complaining or making the recipient feel guilty. People often blame the receiver's ingratitude when the real problem is the giver's carelessness and poor judgment. You must consider all circumstances to make a truly good action. Some people are genuinely ungrateful, but we create more ungrateful people through our pushiness, mood swings, and criticism. Here's the real issue: we give with ulterior motives, mostly to those who can give us the most in return. We give to greedy and ambitious people who can never be thankful because their desires are endless, and to those who simply won't be grateful. A tribune wants to become a prætor, the prætor wants to become a consul. They never reflect on what they have, only on what they want next. People constantly worry: "Will I lose this benefit or that one?" If a benefit is lost, the fault lies in giving it poorly. When placed correctly, a good deed is as sacred as something consecrated. If someone deceives us, let's not deceive ourselves too. A charitable person will improve the situation by thinking: "Maybe he forgot, maybe he couldn't repay me, maybe he'll still make it right." A patient creditor can turn a bad debtor into a good one over time. Persistent goodness overcomes a bad attitude, just as careful farming makes barren soil fertile. But no matter how ungrateful or cruel someone is, they can never destroy my satisfaction in having done a good deed.
But what if others will be wicked? does it follow that we must be so too? If others will be ungrateful, must we therefore be inhuman? To give and to lose, is nothing; but to lose and to give still, is the part of a great mind. And the others in effect is the greater loss; for the one does but lose his benefit, and the other loses himself. The light shines upon the profane and sacrilegious as well as upon the righteous. How many disappointments do we meet with in our wives and children, and yet we couple still? He that has lost one battle hazards another. The mariner puts to sea again after a wreck. An illustrious mind does not propose the profit of a good office, but the duty. If the world be wicked, we should yet persevere in well-doing, even among evil men. I had rather never receive a kindness than never bestow one: not to return a benefit is the greater sin, but not to confer it is the earlier. We cannot propose to ourselves a more glorious example than that of the Almighty, who neither needs nor expects anything from us; and yet he is continually showering down and distributing his mercies and his grace among us, not only for our necessities, but also for our delights; as fruits and seasons, rain and sunshine, veins of water and of metal; and all this to the wicked as well as to the good, and without any other end than the common benefit of the receivers. With what face then can we be mercenary one to another, that have received all things from Divine Providence gratis? It is a common saying, “I gave such or such a man so much money: I would I had thrown it into the sea;” and yet the merchant trades again after a piracy, and the banker ventures afresh after a bad security. He that will do no good offices after a disappointment, must stand still, and do just nothing at all. The plow goes on after a barren year: and while the ashes are yet warm, we raise a new house upon the ruins of a former. What obligations can be greater than those which children receive from their parents? and yet should we give them over in their infancy, it were all to no purpose. Benefits, like grain, must be followed from the seed to the harvest. I will not so much as leave any place for ingratitude. I will pursue, and I will encompass the receiver with benefits; so that let him look which way he will, his benefactor shall be still in his eye, even when he would avoid his own memory: and then I will remit to one man because he calls for it; to another, because he does not; to a third, because he is wicked; and to a fourth, because he is the contrary. I will cast away a good turn upon a bad man, and I will requite a good one; the one because it is my duty, and the other that I may not be in debt.
But what if others choose to be wicked? Does that mean we must be wicked too? If others are ungrateful, must we therefore be cruel? To give and then lose what we gave is nothing. But to lose and still keep giving shows a great mind. The ungrateful person actually loses more. The giver only loses his gift, but the ungrateful person loses himself. Light shines on both the wicked and the righteous. How many disappointments do we face with our wives and children, yet we still marry and have families? A general who loses one battle will fight another. A sailor goes back to sea after a shipwreck. A noble mind doesn't focus on the profit of doing good, but on the duty. If the world is wicked, we should still keep doing good, even among evil people. I would rather never receive a kindness than never give one. Failing to return a favor is a greater sin, but failing to give one comes first. We cannot find a better example than God himself. He neither needs nor expects anything from us, yet he constantly pours out his mercies and grace on us. He gives us not only what we need, but what delights us: fruits and seasons, rain and sunshine, water and metals. He gives all this to the wicked as well as the good, with no other purpose than the common benefit of everyone who receives it. How can we be greedy with each other when we have received everything from God for free? People often say, "I gave that man so much money. I wish I had thrown it into the sea." Yet merchants trade again after pirates rob them. Bankers invest again after bad loans. Anyone who stops doing good after one disappointment must stand still and do nothing at all. The plow works the field after a barren year. While the ashes are still warm, we build a new house on the ruins of the old one. What greater obligations exist than those children receive from their parents? Yet if we abandoned them in infancy, it would all be pointless. Benefits, like grain, must be followed from seed to harvest. I will not even leave room for ingratitude. I will pursue and surround the receiver with benefits. Wherever he looks, he will see his benefactor, even when he tries to avoid his own memory. Then I will forgive one man because he asks for it. I'll forgive another because he doesn't ask. I'll forgive a third because he is wicked, and a fourth because he is good. I will waste a good deed on a bad man, and I will repay a good one. I do the first because it is my duty, and the second so I won't be in debt.
I do not love to hear any man complain that he has met with a thankless man. If he has met but with one, he has either been very fortunate or very careful. And yet care is not sufficient: for there is no way to escape the hazard of losing a benefit but the not bestowing of it, and to neglect a duty to myself for fear another should abuse it. It is another’s fault if he be ungrateful, but it is mine if I do not give. To find one thankful man, I will oblige a great many that are not so. The business of mankind would be at a stand, if we should do nothing for fear of miscarriages in matters of certain event. I will try and believe all things, before I give any man over, and do all that is possible that I may not lose a good office and a friend together. What do I know but he may misunderstand the obligation? business may have put it out of his head, or taken him off from it: he may have slipt his opportunity. I will say, in excuse of human weakness, that one man’s memory is not sufficient for all things; it is but a limited capacity, so as to hold only so much, and no more: and when it is once full, it must let out part of what it had to take in anything beside; and the last benefit ever sits closest to us. In our youth we forget the obligations of our infancy, and when we are men we forget those of our youth. If nothing will prevail, let him keep what he has and welcome; but let him have a care of returning evil for good, and making it dangerous for a man to do his duty. I would no more give a benefit for such a man, than I would lend money to a beggarly spendthrift; or deposit any in the hands of a known knight of the post. However the case stands, an ungrateful person is never the better for a reproach; if he be already hardened in his wickedness, he gives no heed to it; and if he be not, it turns a doubtful modesty into an incorrigible impudence: beside that, he watches for all ill words to pick a quarrel with them.
I don't like hearing anyone complain about meeting an ungrateful person. If someone has only met one ungrateful person, they've been either very lucky or very careful. But even being careful isn't enough. The only way to avoid losing a favor is to never give one in the first place. I won't neglect my duty to myself just because someone else might abuse my kindness. It's their fault if they're ungrateful, but it's my fault if I don't give. To find one thankful person, I'm willing to help many who aren't. Human society would come to a standstill if we did nothing for fear of failure in uncertain situations. I will try and believe in people before I give up on them. I'll do everything possible to avoid losing both a good deed and a friend at the same time. How do I know he didn't misunderstand the favor? Business might have made him forget, or distracted him from it. He might have missed his chance to respond. I'll say this to excuse human weakness: one person's memory isn't enough for everything. It has limited space and can only hold so much. When it's full, it must let go of some things to make room for new ones. The most recent favor always feels closest to us. In our youth we forget what people did for us as children. When we're adults we forget the favors from our youth. If nothing works, let him keep what he has. But he should be careful not to return evil for good, making it dangerous for someone to do their duty. I wouldn't give a favor to such a person any more than I'd lend money to a broke spendthrift or trust anything to a known liar. Whatever the situation, an ungrateful person never benefits from being scolded. If he's already hardened in his wickedness, he pays no attention to it. If he's not, it turns uncertain shame into stubborn rudeness. Besides, he watches for harsh words to start a fight.
As the benefactor is not to upbraid a benefit, so neither to delay it: the one is tiresome, and the other odious. We must not hold men in hand, as physicians and surgeons do their patients, and keep them longer in fear and pain than needs, only to magnify the cure. A generous man gives easily, and receives as he gives, but never exacts. He rejoices in the return, and judges favorably of it whatever it be, and contents himself with bare thanks for a requital. It is a harder matter with some to get the benefit after it is promised than the first promise of it, there must be so many friends made in the case. One must be desired to solicit another; and he must be entreated to move a third; and a fourth must be at last besought to receive it; so that the author, upon the upshot, has the least share in the obligation. It is then welcome when it comes free, and without deduction; and no man either to intercept or hinder, or to detain it. And let it be of such a quality too, that it be not only delightful in the receiving, but after it is received; which it will certainly be, if we do but observe this rule, never to do any thing for another which we would not honestly desire for ourselves.
A person who gives help shouldn't lecture about it or delay giving it. Lecturing is annoying, and delaying is hateful. We shouldn't keep people waiting like doctors do with their patients, making them suffer in fear and pain longer than necessary just to make the cure seem more impressive. A generous person gives easily and receives in the same spirit, but never demands anything back. They're happy when something is returned and think well of whatever they get, even if it's just a simple thank you. Some people make it harder to actually get help after they've promised it than it was to get the promise in the first place. They require so many friends to get involved. One person has to ask another to help. That person has to beg a third person to get involved. Finally, a fourth person has to be convinced to actually give the help. By the end, the original person who made the promise has the smallest role in actually helping. Help is truly welcome when it comes freely, without strings attached, and without anyone blocking, interfering with, or holding it back. The help should be the kind that brings joy not only when received, but long after. This will certainly happen if we follow this simple rule: never do anything for someone else that we wouldn't honestly want for ourselves.