How I Gained My Freedom

The years passed and brought many changes to me, but on these I will not dwell, as I wish to hasten to the most interesting part of my story. My troubles in North Carolina were brought to an end by my unexpected return to Virginia, where I lived with Mr. Garland, who had married Miss Ann[e] Burwell, one of my old master's daughters. His life was not a prosperous one, and after struggling with the world for several years he left his native State, a disappointed man. He moved to St. Louis, hoping to improve his fortune in the West; but ill luck followed him there, and he seemed to be unable to escape from the influence of the evil star of his destiny. When his family, myself included, joined him in his new home on the banks of the Mississippi, we found him so poor that he was unable to pay the dues on a letter advertised as in the post-office for him. The necessities of the family were so great, that it was proposed to place my mother out at service. The idea was shocking to me. Every gray hair in her old head was dear to me, and I could not bear the thought of her going to work for strangers. She had been raised in the family, had watched the growth of each child from infancy to maturity; they had been the objects of her kindest care, and she was wound round about them as the vine winds itself about the rugged oak. They had been the central figures in her dream of life—a dream beautiful to her, since she had basked in the sunshine of no other. And now they proposed to destroy each tendril of affection, to cloud the sunshine of her existence when the day was drawing to a close, when the shadows of solemn night were rapidly approaching. My mother, my poor aged mother, go among strangers to toil for a living! No, a thousand times no! I would rather work my fingers to the bone, bend over my sewing till the film of blindness gathered in my eyes; nay, even beg from street to street. I told Mr. Garland so, and he gave me permission to see what I could do. I was fortunate in obtaining work, and in a short time I had acquired something of a reputation as a seamstress and dress-maker. The best ladies in St. Louis were my patrons, and when my reputation was once established I never lacked for orders. With my needle I kept bread in the mouths of seventeen persons for two years and five months. While I was working so hard that others might live in comparative comfort, and move in those circles of society to which their birth gave them entrance, the thought often occurred to me whether I was really worth my salt or not; and then perhaps the lips curled with a bitter sneer. It may seem strange that I should place so much emphasis upon words thoughtlessly, idly spoken; but then we do many strange things in life, and cannot always explain the motives that actuate us. The heavy task was too much for me, and my health began to give way. About this time Mr. Keckley, whom I had met in Virginia, and learned to regard with more than friendship, came to St. Louis. He sought my hand in marriage, and for a long time I refused to consider his proposal; for I could not bear the thought of bringing children into slavery—of adding one single recruit to the millions bound to hopeless servitude, fettered and shackled with chains stronger and heavier than manacles of iron. I made a proposition to buy myself and son; the proposition was bluntly declined, and I was commanded never to broach the subject again. I would not be put off thus, for hope pointed to a freer, brighter life in the future. Why should my son be held in slavery? I often asked myself. He came into the world through no will of mine, and yet, God only knows how I loved him. The Anglo-Saxon blood as well as the African flowed in his veins; the two currents commingled—one singing of freedom, the other silent and sullen with generations of despair. Why should not the Anglo-Saxon triumph—why should it be weighed down with the rich blood typical of the tropics? Must the life-current of one race bind the other race in chains as strong and enduring as if there had been no Anglo-Saxon taint? By the laws of God and nature, as interpreted by man, one-half of my boy was free, and why should not this fair birthright of freedom remove the curse from the other half—raise it into the bright, joyous sunshine of liberty? I could not answer these questions of my heart that almost maddened me, and I learned to regard human philosophy with distrust. Much as I respected the authority of my master, I could not remain silent on a subject that so nearly concerned me. One day, when I insisted on knowing whether he would permit me to purchase myself, and what price I must pay for myself, he turned to me in a petulant manner, thrust his hand into his pocket, drew forth a bright silver quarter of a dollar, and proffering it to me, said:

The years passed and brought many changes to my life. But I will not dwell on them, because I want to reach the most interesting part of my story. My troubles in North Carolina ended when I unexpectedly returned to Virginia. There I lived with Mr. Garland, who had married Miss Ann[e] Burwell, one of my old master's daughters. His life was not prosperous. After struggling for several years, he left his native State, a disappointed man. He moved to St. Louis, hoping to improve his fortune in the West. But bad luck followed him there. He seemed unable to escape the influence of his destiny's evil star. His family, myself included, joined him in his new home on the banks of the Mississippi. We found him so poor that he could not pay the postage on a letter advertised as waiting for him at the post office. The family's needs were so great that someone proposed sending my mother to work as a servant. The idea shocked me. Every gray hair on her old head was dear to me. I could not bear the thought of her going to work for strangers. She had been raised in the family and had watched each child grow from infancy to adulthood. They had received her kindest care. She was wrapped around them like a vine around a rugged oak. They had been the central figures in her dream of life. It was a beautiful dream to her, since she had known the sunshine of no other. And now they proposed to tear away every tendril of affection. They would cloud the sunshine of her life as its day drew to a close and the shadows of solemn night rapidly approached. My mother, my poor aged mother, go among strangers to work for a living! No, a thousand times no! I would rather work my fingers to the bone, or bend over my sewing until my eyes grew clouded with blindness. I would even rather beg from street to street. I told Mr. Garland so, and he gave me permission to see what I could do. I was fortunate enough to find work. Before long, I had gained something of a reputation as a seamstress and dressmaker. The best ladies in St. Louis were my customers. Once my reputation was established, I never lacked for orders. With my needle, I kept bread in the mouths of seventeen people for two years and five months. I worked hard so that others could live in comparative comfort. They could also move in the social circles their birth gave them access to. As I worked, I often wondered whether I was really worth my salt. Then perhaps my lips would curl in a bitter sneer. It may seem strange that I put so much emphasis on words spoken thoughtlessly and idly. But we do many strange things in life and cannot always explain what motivates us. The heavy workload was too much for me, and my health began to fail. Around this time, Mr. Keckley came to St. Louis. I had met him in Virginia and had come to feel more than friendship for him. He asked me to marry him, but for a long time I refused to consider his proposal. I could not bear the thought of bringing children into slavery. I could not add a single recruit to the millions bound to hopeless servitude, fettered and shackled with chains stronger and heavier than iron manacles. I proposed to buy freedom for myself and my son. My proposal was bluntly refused, and I was ordered never to raise the subject again. But I would not be put off, because hope pointed toward a freer, brighter future. Why should my son be held in slavery? I often asked myself. He came into the world through no will of mine, and yet God only knows how I loved him. Anglo-Saxon blood as well as African blood flowed in his veins. The two currents mingled, one singing of freedom, the other silent and sullen with generations of despair. Why should the Anglo-Saxon blood not triumph? Why should it be weighed down by the rich blood typical of the tropics? Must the life-current of one race bind the other in chains as strong and enduring as if there had been no Anglo-Saxon taint? By the laws of God and nature, as interpreted by man, half of my boy was free. Why should his fair birthright of freedom not remove the curse from the other half? Why should it not raise that half into the bright, joyous sunshine of liberty? I could not answer these questions of my heart, which almost drove me mad. I learned to distrust human philosophy. Much as I respected my master's authority, I could not remain silent about a subject that concerned me so deeply. One day I insisted on knowing whether he would let me buy my freedom and what price I must pay. He turned to me irritably, put his hand into his pocket, and drew out a bright silver quarter. He held it out to me and said:

"Lizzie, I have told you often not to trouble me with such a question. If you really wish to leave me, take this: it will pay the passage of yourself and boy on the ferry-boat, and when you are on the other side of the river you will be free. It is the cheapest way that I know of to accomplish what you desire."

"Lizzie, I have often told you not to bother me with that question. If you really want to leave me, take this. It will pay for you and your boy to cross on the ferry. Once you are on the other side of the river, you will be free. It is the cheapest way I know to get what you want."

I looked at him in astonishment, and earnestly replied: "No, master, I do not wish to be free in such a manner. If such had been my wish, I should never have troubled you about obtaining your consent to my purchasing myself. I can cross the river any day, as you well know, and have frequently done so, but will never leave you in such a manner. By the laws of the land I am your slave—you are my master, and I will only be free by such means as the laws of the country provide." He expected this answer, and I knew that he was pleased. Some time afterwards he told me that he had reconsidered the question; that I had served his family faithfully; that I deserved my freedom, and that he would take $1200 for myself and boy.

I looked at him in astonishment and replied earnestly: "No, master, I do not want to be free that way. If I did, I would never have asked for your consent to buy my freedom. As you well know, I can cross the river any day, and I have often done so. But I will never leave you that way. By the laws of the land, I am your slave, and you are my master. I will only become free through the means the law provides." He expected this answer, and I knew he was pleased. Some time later, he told me he had reconsidered. I had served his family faithfully and deserved my freedom. He would take $1,200 for my freedom and my boy's.

This was joyful intelligence for me, and the reflection of hope gave a silver lining to the dark cloud of my life—faint, it is true, but still a silver lining.

This was joyful news for me, and the glimmer of hope gave the dark cloud of my life a silver lining. The lining was faint, but it was still there.

Taking a prospective glance at liberty, I consented to marry. The wedding was a great event in the family. The ceremony took place in the parlor, in the presence of the family and a number of guests. Mr. Garland gave me away, and the pastor, Bishop Hawks, performed the ceremony, who had solemnized the bridals of Mr. G.'s own children. The day was a happy one, but it faded all too soon. Mr. Keckley—let me speak kindly of his faults—proved dissipated, and a burden instead of a help-mate. More than all, I learned that he was a slave instead of a free man, as he represented himself to be. With the simple explanation that I lived with him eight years, let charity draw around him the mantle of silence.

Looking ahead to freedom, I agreed to marry. The wedding was a great event for the family. The ceremony took place in the parlor, with the family and a number of guests present. Mr. Garland gave me away. Bishop Hawks, the pastor, performed the ceremony. He had also performed the wedding ceremonies for Mr. G.'s own children. The day was a happy one, but it passed all too soon. Let me speak kindly of Mr. Keckley's faults. He proved to be a man given to excess, a burden rather than a partner. Worse still, I learned that he was a slave, not a free man as he had claimed. I will say only that I lived with him for eight years. Let charity draw a veil of silence around him.

I went to work in earnest to purchase my freedom, but the years passed, and I was still a slave. Mr. Garland's family claimed so much of my attention—in fact, I supported them—that I was not able to accumulate anything. In the mean time Mr. Garland died, and Mr. Burwell, a Mississippi planter, came to St. Louis to settle up the estate. He was a kind-hearted man, and said I should be free, and would afford me every facility to raise the necessary amount to pay the price of my liberty. Several schemes were urged upon me by my friends. At last I formed a resolution to go to New York, state my case, and appeal to the benevolence of the people. The plan seemed feasible, and I made preparations to carry it out. When I was almost ready to turn my face northward, Mrs. Garland told me that she would require the names of six gentlemen who would vouch for my return, and become responsible for the amount at which I was valued. I had many friends in St. Louis, and as I believed that they had confidence in me, I felt that I could readily obtain the names desired. I started out, stated my case, and obtained five signatures to the paper, and my heart throbbed with pleasure, for I did not believe that the sixth would refuse me. I called, he listened patiently, then remarked:

I worked hard to buy my freedom, but the years passed, and I was still a slave. Mr. Garland's family demanded so much of my attention that I could not save anything. In fact, I supported them. Meanwhile, Mr. Garland died, and Mr. Burwell, a Mississippi planter, came to St. Louis to settle the estate. He was a kind-hearted man and said I should be free. He promised to give me every opportunity to raise the money needed to pay for my freedom. My friends suggested several plans. At last, I decided to go to New York, tell my story, and appeal to the generosity of the people. The plan seemed workable, and I prepared to carry it out. When I was almost ready to head north, Mrs. Garland said she required the names of six gentlemen. They would have to guarantee my return and take responsibility for the price set on my freedom. I had many friends in St. Louis, and I believed they had confidence in me. So I felt sure I could easily get the names she wanted. I went out, explained my situation, and obtained five signatures on the paper. My heart throbbed with pleasure, for I did not believe the sixth man would refuse me. I called on him, and he listened patiently. Then he remarked:

"Yes, yes, Lizzie; the scheme is a fair one, and you shall have my name. But I shall bid you good-by when you start."

"Yes, yes, Lizzie. The plan is fair, and you may use my name. But I will say goodbye when you leave."

"Good-by for a short time," I ventured to add.

"Goodbye for a short time," I dared to add.

"No, good-by for all time," and he looked at me as if he would read my very soul with his eyes.

"No, goodbye forever," and he looked at me as if he could read my very soul.

I was startled. "What do you mean, Mr. Farrow? Surely you do not think that I do not mean to come back?"

I was startled. "What do you mean, Mr. Farrow? Surely you don't think I have no intention of coming back?"

"No."

"No."

"No, what then?"

"No, what happened then?"

"Simply this: you mean to come back, that is, you mean so now, but you never will. When you reach New York the abolitionists will tell you what savages we are, and they will prevail on you to stay there; and we shall never see you again."

"Simply this: you mean to come back. That is, you mean to now, but you never will. When you reach New York, the abolitionists will tell you what savages we are. They will persuade you to stay there, and we will never see you again."

"But I assure you, Mr. Farrow, you are mistaken. I not only mean to come back, but will come back, and pay every cent of the twelve hundred dollars for myself and child."

"But I assure you, Mr. Farrow, you are mistaken. I not only intend to come back, but will come back. And I will pay every cent of the twelve hundred dollars for myself and my child."

I was beginning to feel sick at heart, for I could not accept the signature of this man when he had no faith in my pledges. No; slavery, eternal slavery rather than be regarded with distrust by those whose respect I esteemed.

I was beginning to feel sick at heart. I could not accept this man’s signature when he did not trust my promises. No, I would rather remain in slavery forever than be distrusted by people whose respect I valued.

"But—I am not mistaken," he persisted. "Time will show. When you start for the North I shall bid you good-by."

"But I’m not mistaken," he insisted. "Time will tell. When you leave for the North, I’ll say goodbye."

The heart grew heavy. Every ray of sunshine was eclipsed. With humbled pride, weary step, tearful face, and a dull, aching pain, I left the house. I walked along the street mechanically. The cloud had no silver lining now. The rosebuds of hope had withered and died without lifting up their heads to receive the dew kiss of morning. There was no morning for me—all was night, dark night.

My heart grew heavy. Every ray of sunshine was blocked out. My pride humbled, my steps weary, and my face wet with tears, I left the house. I felt a dull, aching pain. I walked down the street mechanically. The cloud had no silver lining now. The rosebuds of hope had withered and died before they could lift their heads to receive the morning dew. There was no morning for me. All was night, dark night.

I reached my own home, and weeping threw myself upon the bed. My trunk was packed, my luncheon was prepared by mother, the cars were ready to bear me where I would not hear the clank of chains, where I would breathe the free, invigorating breezes of the glorious North. I had dreamed such a happy dream, in imagination had drunk of the water, the pure, sweet crystal water of life, but now—now—the flowers had withered before my eyes; darkness had settled down upon me like a pall, and I was left alone with cruel mocking shadows.

I reached home and threw myself on the bed, weeping. My trunk was packed, and Mother had prepared my lunch. The train was ready to carry me away, somewhere I would not hear the clank of chains. There I would breathe the fresh, invigorating breezes of the glorious North. I had dreamed such a happy dream. In my imagination, I had drunk the pure, sweet, crystal-clear water of life. But now, now the flowers had withered before my eyes. Darkness had settled over me like a funeral shroud, and I was left alone with cruel, mocking shadows.

The first paroxysm of grief was scarcely over, when a carriage stopped in front of the house; Mrs. Le Bourgois, one of my kind patrons, got out of it and entered the door. She seemed to bring sunshine with her handsome cheery face. She came to where I was, and in her sweet way said:

The first wave of grief had barely passed when a carriage stopped in front of the house. Mrs. Le Bourgois, one of my kind patrons, stepped out and came inside. Her handsome, cheerful face seemed to bring sunshine with her. She came over to me and said in her sweet way:

"Lizzie, I hear that you are going to New York to beg for money to buy your freedom. I have been thinking over the matter, and told Ma it would be a shame to allow you to go North to beg for what we should give you. You have many friends in St. Louis, and I am going to raise the twelve hundred dollars required among them. I have two hundred dollars put away for a present; am indebted to you one hundred dollars; mother owes you fifty dollars, and will add another fifty to it; and as I do not want the present, I will make the money a present to you. Don't start for New York now until I see what I can do among your friends."

"Lizzie, I hear you're going to New York to beg for money to buy your freedom. I've been thinking about it. I told Ma it would be a shame to let you go North to beg for what we should give you. You have many friends in St. Louis. I'm going to raise the twelve hundred dollars you need from them. I have two hundred dollars set aside for a present. I also owe you one hundred dollars. Mother owes you fifty dollars, and she'll add another fifty to it. Since I don't want the present, I'll give you the money. Don't leave for New York yet. Wait until I see what I can do among your friends."

Like a ray of sunshine she came, and like a ray of sunshine she went away. The flowers no longer were withered, drooping. Again they seemed to bud and grow in fragrance and beauty. Mrs. Le Bourgois, God bless her dear good heart, was more than successful. The twelve hundred dollars were raised, and at last my son and myself were free. Free, free! what a glorious ring to the word. Free! the bitter heart-struggle was over. Free! the soul could go out to heaven and to God with no chains to clog its flight or pull it down. Free! the earth wore a brighter look, and the very stars seemed to sing with joy. Yes, free! free by the laws of man and the smile of God—and Heaven bless them who made me so!

She came like a ray of sunshine, and she left like one too. The flowers were no longer withered and drooping. Once again, they seemed to bud and grow in fragrance and beauty. Mrs. Le Bourgois was more than successful. God bless her dear, good heart. The twelve hundred dollars were raised, and at last my son and I were free. Free, free! What a glorious sound that word has. Free! The bitter struggle in my heart was over. Free! My soul could rise to heaven and God without chains to hold it back or pull it down. Free! The earth looked brighter, and even the stars seemed to sing with joy. Yes, free! Free under the laws of man and with God's smile. Heaven bless those who made me free!