Parental Love

Parental affection is, perhaps, the blindest modification of perverse self-love; for we have not, like the French two terms (L'amour propre, L'amour de soi meme) to distinguish the pursuit of a natural and reasonable desire, from the ignorant calculations of weakness. Parents often love their children in the most brutal manner, and sacrifice every relative duty to promote their advancement in the world. To promote, such is the perversity of unprincipled prejudices, the future welfare of the very beings whose present existence they imbitter by the most despotic stretch of power. Power, in fact, is ever true to its vital principle, for in every shape it would reign without controul or inquiry. Its throne is built across a dark abyss, which no eye must dare to explore, lest the baseless fabric should totter under investigation. Obedience, unconditional obedience, is the catch-word of tyrants of every description, and to render "assurance doubly sure," one kind of despotism supports another. Tyrants would have cause to tremble if reason were to become the rule of duty in any of the relations of life, for the light might spread till perfect day appeared. And when it did appear, how would men smile at the sight of the bugbears at which they started during the night of ignorance, or the twilight of timid inquiry.

Parental affection is perhaps the blindest form of misguided self-love. Unlike the French, we do not have two terms (L'amour propre, L'amour de soi meme) to distinguish reasonable, natural desires from the misguided calculations of weakness. Parents often love their children in the most brutal way. They sacrifice every duty to others to help their children advance in the world. Such is the perversity of prejudice without principle. They seek the future welfare of the very beings whose present lives they make miserable through the most tyrannical use of power. Power, in fact, is always true to its basic nature. In every form, it seeks to rule without restraint or questioning. Its throne is built over a dark abyss that no one must dare to explore. Otherwise, investigation might make the baseless structure topple. Obedience, unconditional obedience, is the slogan of tyrants of every kind. To make "assurance doubly sure," one form of tyranny supports another. Tyrants would have reason to tremble if reason became the guide to duty in any relationship. For the light might spread until full daylight appeared. And when daylight did appear, how people would smile at the imaginary terrors that startled them in the night of ignorance or the twilight of timid questioning.

Parental affection, indeed, in many minds, is but a pretext to tyrannize where it can be done with impunity, for only good and wise men are content with the respect that will bear discussion. Convinced that they have a right to what they insist on, they do not fear reason, or dread the sifting of subjects that recur to natural justice: because they firmly believe, that the more enlightened the human mind becomes, the deeper root will just and simple principles take. They do not rest in expedients, or grant that what is metaphysically true can be practically false; but disdaining the shifts of the moment they calmly wait till time, sanctioning innovation, silences the hiss of selfishness or envy.

Indeed, for many people, parental affection is merely an excuse to act like a tyrant without fear of consequences. Only good and wise men are content with respect that can withstand questioning. Convinced that they are entitled to what they demand, they do not fear reason or the careful examination of questions of natural justice. They firmly believe that the more enlightened the human mind becomes, the more deeply just and simple principles will take root. They do not settle for quick fixes or accept that something true in theory can be false in practice. Instead, they scorn temporary workarounds and calmly wait for time to make innovation acceptable and silence the hissing of selfishness or envy.

If the power of reflecting on the past, and darting the keen eye of contemplation into futurity, be the grand privilege of man, it must be granted that some people enjoy this prerogative in a very limited degree. Every thing now appears to them wrong; and not able to distinguish the possible from the monstrous, they fear where no fear should find a place, running from the light of reason as if it were a firebrand; yet the limits of the possible have never been defined to stop the sturdy innovator's hand.

If the great privilege of humanity is the power to reflect on the past and look keenly into the future, some people clearly enjoy this privilege only to a very limited degree. Everything now seems wrong to them. Unable to distinguish the possible from the monstrous, they feel fear where there should be none. They run from the light of reason as if it were a burning torch. Yet the limits of what is possible have never been defined, so they cannot stop the determined innovator.

Woman, however, a slave in every situation to prejudice seldom exerts enlightened maternal affection; for she either neglects her children, or spoils them by improper indulgence. Besides, the affection of some women for their children is, as I have before termed it, frequently very brutish; for it eradicates every spark of humanity. Justice, truth, every thing is sacrificed by these Rebekahs, and for the sake of their own children they violate the most sacred duties, forgetting the common relationship that binds the whole family on earth together. Yet, reason seems to say, that they who suffer one duty, or affection to swallow up the rest, have not sufficient heart or mind to fulfil that one conscientiously. It then loses the venerable aspect of a duty, and assumes the fantastic form of a whim.

Women, however, are slaves to prejudice in every situation, and they rarely show enlightened maternal affection. They either neglect their children or spoil them by indulging them improperly. Besides, as I have said before, some women’s affection for their children is often very brutish. It wipes out every spark of humanity. These Rebekahs sacrifice justice, truth, and everything else for their own children. They violate the most sacred duties, forgetting the common bond that unites the whole human family on earth. Yet reason seems to say that those who let one duty or affection swallow up all the rest lack the heart or mind to fulfill even that one conscientiously. It then loses the dignity of a duty and becomes a fanciful whim.

As the care of children in their infancy is one of the grand duties annexed to the female character by nature, this duty would afford many forcible arguments for strengthening the female understanding, if it were properly considered.

Nature makes caring for infants one of women’s great duties. If properly considered, this duty would provide many strong arguments for strengthening women’s understanding.

The formation of the mind must be begun very early, and the temper, in particular, requires the most judicious attention—an attention which women cannot pay who only love their children because they are their children, and seek no further for the foundation of their duty, than in the feelings of the moment. It is this want of reason in their affections which makes women so often run into extremes, and either be the most fond, or most careless and unnatural mothers.

The mind must be shaped from a very early age. A child’s temperament, in particular, requires careful and wise attention. Women cannot give this attention if they love their children only because they are their own. Such women base their sense of duty only on what they feel at the moment. Because their affection is not guided by reason, women so often go to extremes. They become either overly indulgent mothers or extremely careless mothers who lack natural affection.

To be a good mother—a woman must have sense, and that independence of mind which few women possess who are taught to depend entirely on their husbands. Meek wives are, in general, foolish mothers; wanting their children to love them best, and take their part, in secret, against the father, who is held up as a scarecrow. If they are to be punished, though they have offended the mother, the father must inflict the punishment; he must be the judge in all disputes: but I shall more fully discuss this subject when I treat of private education, I now only mean to insist, that unless the understanding of woman be enlarged, and her character rendered more firm, by being allowed to govern her own conduct, she will never have sufficient sense or command of temper to manage her children properly. Her parental affection, indeed, scarcely deserves the name, when it does not lead her to suckle her children, because the discharge of this duty is equally calculated to inspire maternal and filial affection; and it is the indispensable duty of men and women to fulfil the duties which give birth to affections that are the surest preservatives against vice. Natural affection, as it is termed, I believe to be a very weak tie, affections must grow out of the habitual exercise of a mutual sympathy; and what sympathy does a mother exercise who sends her babe to a nurse, and only takes it from a nurse to send it to a school?

To be a good mother, a woman must have good sense and an independent mind. Few women have such independence when they are taught to depend entirely on their husbands. Meek wives are generally foolish mothers. They want their children to love them best and secretly take their side against the father, who is presented as a frightening figure. If the children must be punished, the father must punish them, even if they have offended the mother. He must judge every dispute. But I will discuss this subject more fully when I consider education at home. For now, I only mean to insist that a woman must be allowed to govern her own conduct. Unless this broadens her understanding and strengthens her character, she will never have enough sense or self-control to manage her children properly. Indeed, her parental affection scarcely deserves the name if it does not lead her to breastfeed her children. This duty is equally likely to inspire affection in both mother and child. Men and women have an indispensable duty to do the things that give rise to affection. Such affection is the surest safeguard against vice. I believe that what is called natural affection is a very weak bond. Affection must grow through the regular practice of mutual sympathy. And what sympathy does a mother show when she sends her baby to a nurse, only to take the child from the nurse and send it to school?

In the exercise of their natural feelings, providence has furnished women with a natural substitute for love, when the lover becomes only a friend and mutual confidence takes place of overstrained admiration—a child then gently twists the relaxing cord, and a mutual care produces a new mutual sympathy. But a child, though a pledge of affection, will not enliven it, if both father and mother are content to transfer the charge to hirelings; for they who do their duty by proxy should not murmur if they miss the reward of duty—parental affection produces filial duty.

In their natural feelings, providence has given women a natural substitute for love. A lover may become only a friend, and mutual trust may replace excessive admiration. Then a child gently tightens the loosening bond, and shared care creates a new mutual sympathy. But a child, though a sign of affection, will not renew that affection if both parents leave the care to hired workers. Those who have others do their duty should not complain if they miss its reward. Parental affection inspires children to do their duty in return.